The Adventures of Terrence - 4 Volumes of this now exist, incredible

[Enguin Enguin Enguin Enguin]

Right well sure this section isn't really active so nobody's going to give much of a fuck if I post this so may as well. Not expecting anyone to say anything and not sure there's anything to say really except "what a masterpiece". Hesitant to call it a chapter because I half-think this could get locked and don't want to play with people's emotions like that by not providing closure on a character with as much depth as this one and also because there's not much shape to it.

 

But anyway, the most important thing to remember is only god can judge me, no ragrets.

 

[spoiler=Volume 1]

It was a warm winter's night, and the clouds floated aggressively in the sky. Terrence sat on his rooftop, idly throwing laptops at passing children. Suddenly, a deer sprinted into Terrence's home. Panicking, Terrence leapt from the roof in an attempt to flee, only to find upon landing that the fall had shattered his ankles and he lay prone in unbearable agony for quite some time.

 

Eventually, four days had passed, and Terrence remained on the ground, his pain long since replaced by delirium as he chewed his ears and occasionally shuddered, awaiting the sweet release of death. And there he remained for six more days and nights. On the eleventh day, as the light beckoned and Terrence took his first steps toward it, the deer which had since taken occupancy of the house emerged and found Terrence. Guilt consumed him and he called an ambulance before fleeing back to the wilderness from whence he had come.

 

Seven weeks later, Terrence was lying in his hospital bed and pondering existence. Out of nowhere, a doctor knocked on the door of the room. Terrence mistook this for a threat and whipped out his machete, brutally slaying the doctor in twixt the moment he entered. Realising that this was a mis-step on his part, Terrence mercilessly slaughtered the remaining 47 staff and 231 patients so as to avoid leaving any witnesses.

 

Unfortunately, doing this was time consuming and several hours passed before he emerged, panting and bloodsoaked, through the hospital entrance. By this time several news teams and hundreds of armed police officers, as well as members of the public attracted by the fuss, had Terrence utterly surrounded. Realising the hopelessness of a fight, Terrence immediately gave the lead officer a cheeky wink, causing him to wonder aloud "Oh Terrence, what will you do next!?" before allowing him to walk free, despite the loud and aggressive protestations of the thousands of others present.

 

The aftermath of this incident was protracted, long-winded and lengthy. Terrence unsurprisingly found little support for his unprovoked mass murder and was frequently overcharged in supermarkets. His fellow teachers frowned upon him, and he was docked a week's wages. 

 

One calm, windy autumn day a few weeks later, Terrence was once again sitting on his roof and idly tossing laptops at passing children, when a giraffe named Francis who Terrence had had a brief romantic encounter with fell from the sky and crushed half of Terrence's home. Forced to live on the streets and with few friends to turn to after his now infamous killing spree, Terrence resorted to a life of petty crime, selling the organs of homeless people to fetishists and taking on a part-time job in a child trafficking warehouse.

 

Eventually, after four long and difficult hours, Terrence had gathered enough money to buy a new house. Galloping about town to various real estate agents, Terrence began to realise that he hadn't actually gathered enough money to buy a new house because four hours work wasn't all that much and he also hadn't actually yet been paid for it anyway. Feeling foolish and disappointed, Terrence ripped off his left leg and threw it into a passing car. 

 

Almost immediately he came to regret this decision, as the massive amount of blood lost as a result caused him to collapse in an unconscious heap at the side of the road, much to the inconvenience of other pedestrians who were force to step both over and around him. Many minutes passed before Terrence awoke, and was surprised to find he had grown another leg. Vowing to not rip this one off, he galloped back to the warehouse to resume his work and earn enough money to buy a new house.

 

Six years later, Terrence was proudly polishing his collection of stuffed carrots when he heard a knock at the door. He cautiously rushed to open it, only to find a young child brandishing a fencing sword and challenging him to a duel. As an honourable knight, Terrence was bound to accept, and fetched his own fencing sword from the pantry. After a brief discussion over the rules they would be following and the format of their duel, said duel commenced. 

 

Seconds later, the child lay dead and dismembered and Terrence was going to prison unless he left immediately. Immediately, Terrence left. Gathering his stuffed carrot collection and his spare eyebrows, he packed a comically oversized suitcase and got in his car. Upon doing so, Terrence remembered he neither owned a car nor knew how to drive, and upon further inspection realised he was in fact in a police car and was going to prison for the murder of the young child, to his frustration.

 

Terrence's trial was swift, and his cheeky wink had little to no effect on the judge who sentenced him to sixteen hours of community service. For the next sixteen hours, Terrence brushed the roads of the town, clearing away all the dust and crisp packets until the roads were spotless. As a reward for carrying out his community service so well, the court allowed him to select any prisoner at all and take him home. After much internal debate, Terrence decided to take Stabby Steven the Seahorse Slayer.

 

Steven was an affable young man with a penchant for stabbing and slaying seahorses, activities which Terrence also enjoyed. For days they stabbed each other and dressed as seahorses, until eventually Steven lost a finger as a result of the sheer amount of wounds inflicted upon it. Once again, Terrence found himself in court and despite the judge agreeing with him that the situation was unrealistic at best, Terrence was sentenced to 4 consecutive life sentences with no chance of parole. Unable to control himself, Terrence blinked in disbelief.

 

As he was dragged from the courtroom, punching and whispering, Terrence pondered the decisions he had made that had brought him to this point, and vowed to be the bestest prisoner in the whole wide world.

[spoiler=Volume 2]

It was a sunny autumn night, and Terrence lay awake in his prison cell, terrified by the fact the sun was out at night and the apparent lack of reaction from those around him to this fact. He began nervously chewing his ears in an effort to calm himself, but found little success. Eventually after several seconds he began to sadly breakdance, dropping all kinds of shapes in solemn resignation to the fact that these 4 life sentences would be lengthy.

 

Terrence's breakdancing soon drew the attention of the prison guards, who watched his solemn boogie with mesmerized faces. It didn't take long for thirty seconds to pass, and it was then the guards realised Terrence was gone. Glancing around cautiously, they hesitantly charged into the cell to search. With reckless wariness they searched the tiny cell from left to right, back to front, top to bottom, east to west, north to south, black to white, light to dark, big to small, light is to day as dark is to night, up and down and all around 82 times before concluding after a busy 3 weeks that Terrence had in fact escaped, though how exactly he had done it was unclear and put down to sloppy writing and lack of forethought.

 

Fourteen months later, Terrence was reclining on his bed when he saw a bolt of lightning flash across the sky. Understanding what this meant, he grabbed his machete from the pantry and tracked a group of children trekking in the forest, before killing them and offering them as sacrifices to the sky so as to prevent a storm from ensuing.

 

Unfortunately, this did not work out as planned and Terrence was left out in the middle of a forest miles from his home with no food and the dismembered bodies of 8 children as a fierce storm raged around him. In sheer desperation he composed a mix tape and used the resulting fire to keep warm, but he knew that it simply wasn't enough. Accepting that it was the only thing to do, Terrence built a hut out of the slowly decomposing bodies of the children and sheltered within it for 3 hours until the storm began to clear.

 

As soon as Terrence exited the hut, the storm stopped clearing and actually intensified if anything. The bodies were hastily stacked and there was nothing holding them together, which was not helped by the overall shoddy workmanship of the entire structure, although it wasn't an ideal set of materials and concessions must be made given the scenario there were still fundamental errors in the construction process which have to be criticised regardless, and it was these very errors that lead to the hut giving way under the pressure of the continuing driving rain.

 

Suddenly Terrence found himself penned beneath dripping wet child corpses as lightning struck the ground mere inches from his face. In desperation he wrote a self-help book but with the time constraints and lack of anecdotes sales were poor and it was pulled after a disappointing quarter, which did nothing to aid Terrence in his struggle to escape the pile of children that had ensnared him.

 

Eight days passed, and Terrence remained trapped. Finally, a sentient wardrobe wandered by. Terrence called for help, not knowing that wardrobes are naturally vicious creatures. In the ensuing struggle, Terrence lost his eyebrows and left eyelashes, but managed to wriggle free of the pile-up before planting a fatal blow to the larynx of the wardrobe. 

 

Thirty minutes later, Terrence was back at his home and whittling some candlesticks into models of famous turnip farmers when he heard a knock at the door. Cheekily galloping over to it with his machete in hand, Terrence opened the door only to be greeted by an unusually polite tornado which went on to rip through both him and his home, decimating it and destroying all his worldly possessions in the process.

 

Homeless once more, Terrence resorted to competitive moustache waxing in an effort to generate income. At his first tournament, he was disqualified for not having a moustache and subsequently retired. Advertising himself as an ex-pro moustache waxer, Terrence found work as a paedophile. The hours were his to decide and the methods by which he lured children into his van were his to decide, a level of freedom Terrence appreciated.

 

This defence did not play well in court, and given that he was also wanted for having escaped his initial quadruple life sentence, it was no surprise that Terence was sentenced to 12 hours community service. After 12 hours of helping elderly women cross the road, Terrence was free again and began helping elderly women get hit by buses, much to the dismay of the elderly women in question who were now unsure whether Terrence was an ally or an enemy.

 

Nine years later, Terrence was happily munching on his knees when a gazelle named Patrick burst through his front door in a panic. Terrence, who was never good at crisis management, stabbed himself in the cheek. Patrick became thoroughly confused and jumped up the stairs to get his shoes, only to find that Terrence now lived in a bungalow and what he had thought were stairs was actually a collection of steps arranged in order of height. In the chaos, Terrence's son Ann-Marie crashed his helicopter through the kitchen window, destroying the left side of the house and killing both himself and Patrick. In an attempt to recover the situation Terrence set fire to his legs but this turned out to be at best a poor decision.

 

As the fire began to spread and his body was consumed with flames, Terrence slowly sprinted around the house looking for his machete. When he found it, he realised it was of absolutely no use to him in this situation and put it back in the pantry. Gasping for air as the smoke rose from his flaming legs, Terrence galloped outside and began moonwalking around his car. As he did so, his wife Benjamin returned home to see Terrence in flames and Ann-Marie's mangled remains amongst the helicopter wreckage as the house fell apart. In a daze, she assembled the Avengers and scrambled some eggs before eating her own arms in distress and dying of old age 49 years later.

 

As the fire consumed him fully, Terrence stopped moonwalking and screaming and touching his elbows inappropriately and lay down on the grass, pondering what an odd way this was to die, and wishing he had a fire extinguisher in his pocket that he kept there all the time in case emergency.

[spoiler=Volume 3]

It was a sunny winter's night, and Terrence lay on his sunbed beside the crackling fireplace, pondering the good fortune that had earlier befallen him with regards the fire extinguisher he had found in his pocket just as it seemed he was destined to burn to death. Looking out the window, he spotted nothing, because it was a winter's night and very dark and his home had no exterior lighting near to that particular window because earlier in the year a yak had fallen from the third floor and sued for damages and in the resulting settlement Terrence had had to raise money so had sold the external lighting near that particular window to partially fund this.

 

Suddenly, Terrence slowly turned around. Feeling hungry, he strolled into his kitchen and began to assemble a sandwich. Beginning with bread, Terrence was confident. As he reached for the butter and began to spread it on the 2 slices, his confidence only grew. This was going to be a great sandwich, of that he was sure. Like a pro Terrence added ingredient after ingredient, piling them several centimeters. When it came time to eat the sandwich, Terrence realised he simply could not. This sandwich was a thing of beauty, crafted from the finest breads, butters and cheeses the local Aldi had to offer.

 

Leaving the beautiful sandwich behind, Terrence headed for a cheeky midnight stroll. Putting on his sunglasses, he headed to his front door, before opening the door, exiting the house, and closing the door behind him. Sadly, somewhere along the way he made a blunder and ended up severing his left hand. In a panic, Terrence calmly called an ambulance and waited patiently for it to arrive.

 

Several months later, Terrence was fondling his armchair when a sudden noise suddenly alerted him to a sudden development in Sudan. Worriedly licking his kneecaps, Terrence listened in awe as the sudden Sudanese development was explained in great detail. Feeling moved, he slowly sprinted to his nearest ATM and withdrew all the money from all his accounts, donating it immediately to the Sudanese Support Society.

 

Unfortunately for Terrence, this left him unable to make any payments on any of his debts, and soon after his home was seized by the very bank that he had been keeping his money in, in a cruelly ironic twist of fate. As he sat crying passively at the sudden downward turn his life had taken, Terrence began to feel the funk flow through him. An irresistible urge to dance consumed him, until he had no choice but to stop feeling that way and be sad again, which he duly did.

 

After a number of seconds, Terrence realised there was no point prancing around feeling sorry for himself, and he decided to take positive action. Grabbing his machete, Terrence mercilessly butchered a family of 5. Feeling happier now and more confident in his life decisions, Terrence distributed violent retribution to a further 27 people, before being arrested on suspicion of drug trafficking. The charges were later dropped.

 

Terrence began to feel more and more like a giraffe as the weeks and months went by. One day, as he was galloping about the shopping center, he decided that he wanted to be a giraffe physically as well as mentally. After a quick phone call to his local veterinary surgeon, the appointments were made and the date was set, giraffes butchered and parts harvested.

 

On the day of the operation, Terrence began to get cold feet. He remedied this by pouring boiling water on his feet. Sadly, this caused irreversible nerve damage and Terrence found himself unable to walk. With his operation less than an hour away and his newly unlocked disability flexing its muscles, Terrence realised there was only one way he could ever become a giraffe now, and quickly dragged himself along with great caution to his bathroom where he kept his magic lamp. Upon arrival, Terrence remembered that his house had been repossessed a number of months ago and that he was just dragging himself around a public toilet and hallucinating.

 

Forty years earlier, Terrence's father Terrence was watching his son Terrence playing on the lawn. A jealous rage consumed Terrence as he watched Terrence's carefree frolicking, and he charged with a blood-curdling scream, slaying him in twixt with a single playful swing.

 

Fifty yards away from this, Terrence's father's father Terrence was watching his son Terrence charge with a blood-curdling scream at his grandson Terrence. Feeling a great motherly instinct, Terrence dived in front of Terrence, preventing Terrence from killing Terrence, instead killing Terrence. Realising the cost of what he had done, Terrence regretted ever attempting to save Terrence, and turned to him with a look of pure banter and a twinkle in his eye.

 

It was at this moment that Terrence vowed to always look both ways before crossing the street, and that he would look all around and listen before he crossed the road, remembering to let all the traffic pass him and checking both ways twice before attempting any sort of foray across the natural realms of traffic where he was a mere visitor, a guest from a different plane of reality with different rules who had to both acknowledge and accept and understand this so as to acclimatise himself to this slice of variety that pervaded into his own routine. 

 

And this promise he kept solemnly until the following Tuesday.

[spoiler=Volume 4]

It was a breezy autumn afternoon, and the moon shone brightly in the sky. Terrence sat on his veranda, nonchalantly pondering existence and the greatest mysteries of the universe, when out of the blue came some red, which was really quite surprising give their respective places on the colour wheel. Taken aback, Terrence then took a set of ribs and miscellaneous organs to construct a model torso, which he sold at a marginal loss to a Turkish collector named Daniel.

30 years later, Terrence was idly flying an attack chopper in a residential area when a song he did not particularly care for came on the radio. Channeling his indifference, Terrence began to systematically destroy every house and human being within a 5 mile radius, reigning terror from the skies and causing the single greatest loss of human life ever by an individual conspirator. After several hours of this, Terrence came to the realisation that there would likely be legal repercussions for his antics, and turned himself in to the police.

However, Terrence found that being hundreds of thousands of people at once was a less than ideal situation, and one which he was at best ill-equipped to handle, so without a moment's hesitation he carefully considered his options at length for a great deal of time, before deciding to turn back into Terrence. Back in his natural form and feelin' fine, Terrence decided the best thing to do to reacclimatise himself to life as himself was to meet with his estranged daughter, Patrick.

Patrick had been sent away to live on a big farm upstate at a young age after one too many carers at the creche were felled by her hand. It didn't take long for Terrence to trek day and night for 7 weeks to reach the farm, but when he got there he was surprised to find a tribe of ninja goldfish living on land. Thought it was going to be something just mildly out of the ordinary didn't you. Finding that anywhere would be genuinely surprising, but especially on an inland farm with no water sources for thousands of millimeters.

Brushing it aside as an inevitable hallucination resulting from the severe dehydration and hunger brought on by his 7 week slog through an unwelcoming environment, Terrence proceeded to return home and not visit Patrick because he remembered he had left the oven on, and that's not something you can afford to just leave.

Upon his return, Terrence was disappointed to find that his home had been ransacked, his family murdered and his farm burned to the ground. Solemnly snapping his fingers, Terrence called his friend Jeremy and they feasted on the corpses of the deceased in silent mourning. After they finished, Terrence realised that cannibalism was not only a crime, but that Jeremy was a police officer, and he hadn't eaten any of the bodies, and he was now arresting Terrence. Betrayed and frightened, Terrence fled to the woods, where he lived the rest of his days in solitude.

The next day, Terrence left his lakeside cabin and galloped into town, stroking his angles malevolently as he went, stopping only to pour cement on a young child. As soon as he reached the town, Terrence was startled by a keg of acid being poured on him. His skin burned away quickly, and blood became his outer layer. Screaming and writhing in agony as the acid decimated his bones and vital organs, until he was merely a smudge on the pavement, Terrence vowed to return stronger the next day, and lacerated a nearby elderly hedgehog to verify his intent.

Several centuries later, Terrence had finally formed into a full human being again. Recklessly eating a scone on a wintery spring night, he noticed a peculiar lion skulking about his kitchen. Alarmed, Terrence drew his pistol, but the linework was sloppy and his colouring left a lot to be desired, and the lion was far from impressed, leaving indignantly.

Four seconds later, Terrence began idly choking to death on his scone. In a panic, he floated his company on the stock exchange. Understanding the signal, Uzbekistan invaded France, enslaving any and all cheeky monkeys they could find, before Terrence's Welsh nephew Yhhnrllsmnppk burst into the kitchen on a unicycle and gave Terrence a friendly wink, dislodging the scone from his throat and saving his life. Pledging eternal gratitude to the great god of the sky Osiris, Terrence offered a sacrificial lamb and cut off both of his arms.

Many weeks later, Terrence awoke in hospital with 2 prosthetic arms newly attached, having collapsed from the blood loss caused by his reckless severing. After a short dance-off, Terrence left the hospital, vowing to never again remove his own limbs as a sacrifice to appease a deity he had only recently learned about. Carelessly galloping about the supermarket, Terrence was at last free, and he bought some pineapples.

 

Venturing out of the supermarket, Terrence spotted a spotted zebra, and decided to kill it. Having done so, he decided to skin it. Having done so, he decided to make a coat from its skin. Having done so, he decided to wear the coat. Having done so, he decided to take it off. Having done so, he decided it would be best to get started on the journey home. 

 

But where was home?, Terrence asked himself as he pogo-sticked off a cliff to his death. Upon respawning, Terrence skipped the hospital cutscene and decided not to kill the zebra this time due to the irritating and laboured and unfunny sequence of events he knew it would lead to. Making up his mind to simply sprout wings and fly away, Terrence unsuccessfully attempted to sprout wings and fly away. Surrendering himself to the realities of the human condition, Terrence galloped off into the sunset, before taking the third left and following on until he reached the roundabout, taking the second exit, following the road until he reached the cricket stadium, taking the second left thereafter and re-aligning with the sunset and continuing onto his humble abode.

 

Upon his return home, Terrence found a chamber of secrets beneath his house. Curious what was in there, he left, never to return.

 

[GarlandChaos]

I rather like this "story". It has a rather well-executed blend of realism and delirium throughout. The grammar is very clean as well, no errors here as far I'm aware.

 

I hope to read more of this from you.

[Enguin Enguin Enguin Enguin]

I rather like this "story". It has a rather well-executed blend of realism and delirium throughout. The grammar is very clean as well, no errors here as far I'm aware.

 

I hope to read more of this from you.

 

I forgot I had posted this so the notification startled me a bit. Thankful that the reply was something like this and not someone calling me insane. You have inspired me to write more for it, because it really doesn't take too long when cohesiveness is not a concern.

[GarlandChaos]

I personally think the second volume is equally as good as the first. I got a few chuckles out of it, especially with the sentient wardrobe and Ann-Marie crashing a helicopter into Terrence's house. If it's not against your current plans, or lack thereof, I'd like to see this continue further.

[Enguin Enguin Enguin Enguin]

I personally think the second volume is equally as good as the first. I got a few chuckles out of it, especially with the sentient wardrobe and Ann-Marie crashing a helicopter into Terrence's house. If it's not against your current plans, or lack thereof, I'd like to see this continue further.

 

It's not like I've anything else to be doing so I will be adding more to it unless I die. Probably put up another volume later or tomorrow or who knows but it won't be long because writing them isn't overly time-consuming and I'm so confident in my grammatical accuracy I don't even proofread. Definitely a good policy.

 

Only thing is I don't exactly know how fulfilling this is going to be to read as a series since I think about 20 years have passed in 2 volumes as well as the other issues plaguing it as an actual narrative. Well I mean I do know that it will be unfulfilling unless I surpass my own ability and give it some form of consistency and it may be gone past the point where that's possible but anyway.

[Enguin Enguin Enguin Enguin]

A 3rd volume has been added, for my loyal lurkers.

[Enguin Enguin Enguin Enguin]

A 4th chapter in this compelling saga has now been added.

[Dova]

This is crazy.

Sense made is minimum.

No idea what is going on.

Short af.

 

Therefore, 9/10. Good read.

[Enguin Enguin Enguin Enguin]

10/10 review glad to be of service.