An Untitled Fan-Fiction

[Dark]

It seems odd that I of all people would write a fan-fiction, but I’ve been meaning to do this for quite some time now. This isn’t your average fan-fiction; I don’t reference Pokemon or Yugioh or Naruto or any other terrible Anime that I know next-to-nothing about. This is a fictional first-person narrative, and once there are enough chapters, you’ll hopefully understand my motive for writing this.

My influence for this piece is [u]Catcher in the Rye[/u], but other than a few aspects, it’s nothing like the novel. If the slow plot development bores you, find another fan-fiction. I’m attempting to base the plot development primarily on [i]character[/i] development, and you’ll be able to see that in the first few chapters.

If you lack the attention span or the intelligence to read one thousand-word chapters, find a simpler fan-fiction. I put effort into this fan-fiction, so do us all a favor and put effort into your comments. Positive comments are appreciated, but I will treasure comments about negative aspects of my writing much more. But don’t spam [i]this[/i] fan-fiction with shitty +1 posts because you feel you can.

[spoiler=01]All I remember was taking that last sip of beer, and subsequently waking up in my apartment. I had no idea how I got there, but at that point I didn't care. I was safe in my apartment, and all traces of the party were erased, sans the slight hangover. My roommate was sleeping on the couch as opposed to his bed, for reasons unbeknownst to me. I rolled off the bed and landed on my cell phone. I looked at it and was overcome with a sheer sense of shock realizing that it had lived the night, seemingly unscathed. I checked my messages, and upon noticing I had sixty new texts, I put my phone on my desk. I had no intention of replying to those people, especially not now, and my inner gut told me the majority of those texts were useless and extraneous at best. As if it were a normal day, I checked my calendar, confirmed that today was Saturday and I had no classes to attend, and turned on the television to check the weather for today. It was a humdrum and repetitive routine, but my life in college was defined by those two words.

My memory as of late is not particularly able to recall every minute detail of the past, and I am sincerely trying to collect my memories to paint a complete picture. The weather that day was rainy, but as always, the weatherman would cast a slight doubt on the meteorologist’s supposedly “accurate” prediction by using percentages. For some reason, that always seemed to annoy me, and I would spend minutes upon minutes pondering whether I should bring an umbrella to class if there is a twenty percent chance of rain. Surely in five parallel universes, one of them would experience rain that day, but who’s to say that a dust storm formed in Kansas would not make its way here unexpectedly? Nevertheless, I ruled out sitting under my favorite tree at the park from my daily plans, and walked over to the bathroom to freshen up. I thought that it would be an uneventful day, but I still cannot recall what led me to this blatant assumption.

I put on a fresh pair of clothes and drowned myself in cologne to cover the fact that I had not yet taken a shower, and I did not plan on it. I always had a tad bit of lethargy with taking showers on the weekends, and that has stuck with me throughout my life. I walked slowly over to my room and pulled out my iPod from my drawer. By a stroke of fortuitous chance, it was almost fully charged. I stuck the device in my pocket and let the headphones hang out, almost to display an air of coolness. It was something different, and I had hoped it would catch someone’s attention. I started to walk out of my apartment when I noticed my friend had not yet gotten up. I snickered with excitement as I picked up a shoe near the door and threw it at his sleeping body. I turned away as quickly as humanely possible and slammed the door, not knowing where the shoe struck, if it even hit him at all. I pressed my ear against the wall and was intrigued that I did not hear any screaming or yelling from my roommate. This piqued my interest, but I pushed aside my curiosity and began to walk out of the apartment complex.

On Saturdays, the college I attended burst with activity. Immediately upon walking out of my complex, despite the countless clouds in the sky, people were reading books, having picnics, and doing pretty much everything imaginable and then some. Realizing that it was not raining yet, I walked through my favorite park and stealthily stared at the numerous couples setting up picnics or holding hands and walking. I was admittedly single at the time and lonely at best. The few friends I had in high school became mere internet voices, and I had not made many friends since I had come to this college. My roommate and I had a loose relationship at best, and despite us sharing a common major, we never really spoke to each other during class. We developed a silent agreement about not mentioning school while in the apartment. I could sense he was going through a lot of stress, but my apathy forced me to push it aside like everything else.

I have avoided describing myself as I tend to overly idealize or overly criticize myself in text. The only unbiased aspects I can reveal are that I was a scrawny kid that fit the stereotype “all brains, no brawn”, and that I wasn’t dashingly attractive. Despite having female friends throughout high school, I had never left the status of “single” during those four years, and it tugged at my heartstrings for a long time. I always felt a sense of insecurity and loneliness because of this fact. I found appearance to be trivial at best and therefore wore whatever I could find. I absolutely hated expending an excessive amount of energy to be “properly dressed”, and I hated society’s obsession with proper clothing. As I walked further and further through the park, I became conscious of the fact that I had not prepared for the oncoming onslaught of rain. I was wearing a pair of jeans, a black shirt, but nothing more. Refusing to turn around and walk towards my apartment, I continued onwards figuring I’ll fix the problem when it becomes relevant. At the end of the park there was an intersection, and I then realized I had procrastinated my plans for the day until that point. I made a swift decision to turn left, and I decided to walk towards the coffee shop, as that was the first building I saw. It was oddly two floors high, and connected to our campus’s library. From my previous visits, I knew that the outcome of this trip would be wholly unexpected.[/spoiler]
I know Chapter 1 is a tad short, and I will try to make Chapter 2 longer, as well as developing the plot more. One of my goals is to get you to relate to [i]something[/i], anything I wrote about in the first chapter.

[Bahamut - Envoy of the End]

First to comment woo +1 p(shot).

Ok, you want in depth, I'll give you in depth! Not even being shot will stop me!

[quote name='Dark' timestamp='1303540531' post='5161136']

Para by Para review

[spoiler=01]All I remember was taking that last sip of beer, and subsequently waking up in my apartment. I had no idea how I got there, but at that point I didn't care. I was safe in my apartment, and all traces of the party were erased, sans the slight hangover. My roommate was sleeping on the couch as opposed to his bed, for reasons unbeknownst to me.* I rolled off the bed and landed on my cell phone. I looked at it and was overcome with a sheer sense of shock realizing that it had lived the night, seemingly unscathed. I checked my messages, and upon noticing I had sixty new texts, I put my phone on my desk. I had no intention of replying to those people, especially not now, and my inner gut told me the majority of those texts were useless and extraneous at best. As if it were a normal day, I checked my calendar, confirmed that today was Saturday and I had no classes to attend, and turned on the television to check the weather for today. It was a humdrum and repetitive routine, but my life in college was defined by those two words.

[b]Feel you could have elaborated more on the hangover here*. Such as dryness of mouth, dizzying sight due to eadache, etc. Just seemed a bit speedy without it. Checking calender and weather, riveting stuff. But other than that not a bad opening paragraph.[/b]

My memory as of late is not particularly able to recall every minute detail of the past, and I am sincerely trying to collect my memories to paint a complete picture. The weather that day was *rainy*, but as always, the weatherman would cast a slight doubt on the meteorologist’s supposedly “accurate” prediction by using percentages. For some reason, that always seemed to annoy me, and I would spend minutes upon minutes pondering whether I should bring an umbrella to class if there is a twenty percent chance of rain. Surely in five parallel universes, one of them would experience rain that day, but who’s to say that a dust storm formed in Kansas would not make its way here unexpectedly? Nevertheless, I ruled out sitting under my favorite tree at the park from my daily plans, and walked over to the bathroom to freshen up. I thought that it would be an uneventful day, but I still cannot recall what led me to this blatant assumption.

[b]It was rainy, but with a 20% chance of rain? That a typo and supposed to read 'cloudy'? It is described when he goes out as overcast mostly[/b].

I put on a fresh pair of clothes and drowned myself in cologne to cover the fact that I had not yet taken a shower, and I did not plan on it. I always had a tad bit of lethargy with taking showers on the weekends, and that has stuck with me throughout my life. I walked slowly over to my room and pulled out my iPod from my drawer. By a stroke of fortuitous chance, it was almost fully charged. I stuck the device in my pocket and let the headphones hang out, almost to display an air of coolness. It was something different, and I had hoped it would catch someone’s attention. I started to walk out of my apartment when I noticed my friend had not yet gotten up. I snickered with excitement as I picked up a shoe near the door and threw it at his sleeping body. I turned away as quickly as humanely possible and slammed the door, not knowing where the shoe struck, if it even hit him at all. I pressed my ear against the wall and was intrigued that I did not hear any screaming or yelling from my roommate. This piqued my interest, but I pushed aside my curiosity and began to walk out of the apartment complex.

[b]So he doesn't want to talk to anyone who's text him, but he wants someone (assumedly anyone as oppossed to specific someone) to notice his ipod thing? Some of the wording seems strange given the context. Intrigued to hear no shout? Why when he had no idea if he'd hit him or not. Fortuitous chance, well, just looked like a word shoved in to show off impressive vocabulary.[/b]

On Saturdays, the college I attended burst with activity. Immediately upon walking out of my complex, despite the countless clouds in the sky, people were reading books, having picnics, and doing pretty much everything imaginable and then some. Realizing that it was not raining yet, I walked through my favorite park and stealthily stared at the numerous couples setting up picnics or holding hands and walking. I was admittedly single at the time and lonely at best. The few friends I had in high school became mere internet voices, and I had not made many friends since I had come to this college. My roommate and I had a loose relationship at best, and despite us sharing a common major, we never really spoke to each other during class. We developed a silent agreement about not mentioning school while in the apartment. I could sense he was going through a lot of stress, but my apathy forced me to push it aside like everything else.

[b]This character (who is still nameless, not that that's good or bad) is getting deeper in personality.[/b]

I have avoided describing myself as I tend to overly idealize or overly criticize myself in text. The only unbiased aspects I can reveal are that I was a scrawny kid that fit the stereotype “all brains, no brawn”, and that I wasn’t dashingly attractive. Despite having female friends throughout high school, I had never left the status of “single” during those four years, and it tugged at my heartstrings for a long time. I always felt a sense of insecurity and loneliness because of this fact. I found appearance to be trivial at best and therefore wore whatever I could find. I absolutely hated expending an excessive amount of energy to be “properly dressed”, and I hated society’s obsession with proper clothing. As I walked further and further through the park, I became conscious of the fact that I had not prepared for the oncoming onslaught of rain. I was wearing a pair of jeans, a black shirt, but nothing more. Refusing to turn around and walk towards my apartment, I continued onwards figuring I’ll fix the problem when it becomes relevant. At the end of the park there was an intersection, and I then realized I had procrastinated my plans for the day until that point. I made a swift decision to turn left, and I decided to walk towards the coffee shop, as that was the first building I saw. It was oddly two floors high, and connected to our campus’s library. From my previous visits, I knew that the outcome of this trip would be wholly unexpected.

[b]Again in this paragraph, and throughout, my reading was disrupted by big words that felt, unnecessary and out of place. What's wrong with 'fork in the road'? Swift decision to turn left, why not just 'decided to turn left'? Some of the choice of words feels unnatural to say the least.[/b][/spoiler]

[/quote]

Obviously something big has been hinted at, but given it was such a short chapter, maybe chapter 2 should have joined with this one. Because it was hardly action packed, which you recently sited other fics for.

Just kind of expected... more. (Shot again)

[Dark]

And I shall respond to your comments!

[i]Feel you could have elaborated more on the hangover here*. Such as dryness of mouth, dizzying sight due to eadache, etc. Just seemed a bit speedy without it. Checking calender and weather, riveting stuff. But other than that not a bad opening paragraph.[/i]

Honestly, in the first chapter, the hangover was probably the one thing that doesn't affect anything later on in the story. Pretty much every other "event" that happened was important, but the hangover was just to show I sleepily made it back to my apartment. Honestly, the whole chapter could have used a ton more description, but there wasn't much to describe yet. I was holding off on describing the apartment for a later time when it becomes relevant. I can try to pump chapter two with a bit more "description", but it has to be to a point where it doesn't become pure filler.

[i]It was rainy, but with a 20% chance of rain? That a typo and supposed to read 'cloudy'? It is described when he goes out as overcast mostly. [/i]

Awkwardly phrased, but you missed the point. I was saying that the weatherman said the weather would be rainy, but the chance of precipitation was 80 or 90%. Weathermen, in my experience, never confirm anything. They'll use percentages like 90% or 95%, but they'll never confirm that it will be raining unless it is already raining. The 20% was just an add-on thought; the weather that day had a percentage of much higher than twenty. It was just a thought explaining why it bugged me that they used percentages to cast doubt on the weather.

[i]So he doesn't want to talk to anyone who's text him, but he wants someone (assumedly anyone as oppossed to specific someone) to notice his ipod thing? Some of the wording seems strange given the context. Intrigued to hear no shout? Why when he had no idea if he'd hit him or not. Fortuitous chance, well, just looked like a word shoved in to show off impressive vocabulary.[/i]

It wasn't to [b]demand[/b] attention. You know how people will "pop their collar" or "wear baggy pants" because it's cool? They don't want to get a specific person to notice it, nor do they want really anybody to notice it, but if someone notices it, it becomes a small example of attention. People do that all the time, and the character in the story wanted to display an air of coolness because he really wasn't all that cool nor popular. Despite whether the shoe had hit him or not, it would have made a loud enough voice to wake the roommate up. Also, it's in human nature to assume that your aim is on-target. It's kind of hard to [b]not[/b] hit somoene with a show that's less than a room away from you, but I casted doubt to parallel and reinforce what I just said about weathermen, just without percentages. Casting doubt will be a big thing in this fan-fiction, and it will be a recurring issue.

[i]This character (who is still nameless, not that that's good or bad) is getting deeper in personality.[/i]

I tried to explain his background without going into a huge flashback or adding too much useless filler.

[i]Again in this paragraph, and throughout, my reading was disrupted by big words that felt, unnecessary and out of place. What's wrong with 'fork in the road'? Swift decision to turn left, why not just 'decided to turn left'? Some of the choice of words feels unnatural to say the least. [/i]

Is "swift" a big word? I could have replaced swift with quickly and it still should have made sense. Was the character the type of character who would stop in the middle of the road, wait there, and pick slowly which direction to go? You should have gotten two things from that: the character like to make progress, and the character will often make rash decisions. I wanted to exemplify that I didn't stop at the intersection and wait before making a decision.

[i]Obviously something big has been hinted at, but given it was such a short chapter, maybe chapter 2 should have joined with this one. Because it was hardly action packed, which you recently sited other fics for.[/i]

I understand your concerns, but again, I needed to have some form of character development before I can start advancing the plot quickly. Other fan-fictions I have read had neither a large amount of character [b]nor[/b] plot development, where you can clearly see that the main character has developed quite a bit since you started reading. I understand your concerns about the length, and I have addressed that in saying chapter two will be longer, both in "word" length and plot development. I decided to end at the coffee shop because continuing any further would have caused the chapter to go on for quite some time, as the next proper ending point would have been quite a long while from there.

And I will make this comment again: if you have read the first chapter, did you connect with the character in any way? Do you remember being in any of those situations? Have you ever woken up to find sixty texts, or been jealous of couples walking and sitting in the park, or did something to display some sort of air of coolness? If you haven't connected with the character in any way, then I kind of failed to induce readers to keep reading. I tried to use real-life scenarios that the high school and college kid can relate to.

Furthermore, [B]HAVE YOU NOTICED IT WAS IN FLASHBACK[/B]? You should have realized that the whole story is in flashback. Every single chapter will be written in past tense, and I will be [i]building up[/i] to something. Notice how you are not getting any information about why I'm writing this, or from where. The main character (who I will also refer to as "I") is decribing the past me.

Also, while this story is admittedly fiction, there are a lot of factual tidbits from my life. See if you can find them.

Finally, before you ask about the setting (state, city, college name), I will tell you right now that it isn't important, nor will it be important. Assume I'm living in a fictional town in the United States where the weather bends to my whim. That information will not be revealed, so don't bother trying to figure it out. (It also kind of can't be Boston since we were more than just a shirt in September.)

[Mehmani]

[i]Catcher in the Rye[/i]? It reads more like James Joyce with the long passages of detailed description. The narrative viewpoint and style of writing do reflective Salinger's work though.

It's a not a fan-fiction at all, more a piece of entirely original literature that uses and references Salinger and Joyce. It's nice but a tad bland. I always liked slow plot development, it makes me want to read more and more. I am looking forward to the next chapter.

[Bahamut - Envoy of the End]

And I respond to your respond.

[quote name='Dark' timestamp='1303573288' post='5161854']
[i]Honestly, in the first chapter, the hangover was probably the one thing that doesn't affect anything later on in the story. Pretty much every other "event" that happened was important, but the hangover was just to show I sleepily made it back to my apartment. Honestly, the whole chapter could have used a ton more description, but there wasn't much to describe yet. I was holding off on describing the apartment for a later time when it becomes relevant. I can try to pump chapter two with a bit more "description", but it has to be to a point where it doesn't become pure filler.[/i]

I'm sure I don't need to say this, but this is a balance between adequate description, pure filler and being too sparse.

[i]Awkwardly phrased, but you missed the point. I was saying that the weatherman said the weather would be rainy, but the chance of precipitation was 80 or 90%. Weathermen, in my experience, never confirm anything. They'll use percentages like 90% or 95%, but they'll never confirm that it will be raining unless it is already raining. The 20% was just an add-on thought; the weather that day had a percentage of much higher than twenty. It was just a thought explaining why it bugged me that they used percentages to cast doubt on the weather.[/i]

Ok

[i]It wasn't to [b]demand[/b] attention. You know how people will "pop their collar" or "wear baggy pants" because it's cool? They don't want to get a specific person to notice it, nor do they want really anybody to notice it, but if someone notices it, it becomes a small example of attention. People do that all the time, and the character in the story wanted to display an air of coolness because he really wasn't all that cool nor popular. Despite whether the shoe had hit him or not, it would have made a loud enough voice to wake the roommate up. Also, it's in human nature to assume that your aim is on-target. It's kind of hard to [b]not[/b] hit somoene with a show that's less than a room away from you, but I casted doubt to parallel and reinforce what I just said about weathermen, just without percentages. Casting doubt will be a big thing in this fan-fiction, and it will be a recurring issue.[/i]

Yeah, they're divvs who are doing it for attention. Then again you said the character is lonely so... I know I'll hang my headphones out of my pocket...

[i]Is "swift" a big word? I could have replaced swift with quickly and it still should have made sense. Was the character the type of character who would stop in the middle of the road, wait there, and pick slowly which direction to go? You should have gotten two things from that: the character like to make progress, and the character will often make rash decisions. I wanted to exemplify that I didn't stop at the intersection and wait before making a decision.[/i]

Making a swift decision just looked an unnatural choice of words. I wouldn't have though choosing to go left or right on a random stroll through the park was the most reckless decision one could make.

[i]I understand your concerns, but again, I needed to have some form of character development before I can start advancing the plot quickly. Other fan-fictions I have read had neither a large amount of character [b]nor[/b] plot development, where you can clearly see that the main character has developed quite a bit since you started reading. I understand your concerns about the length, and I have addressed that in saying chapter two will be longer, both in "word" length and plot development. I decided to end at the coffee shop because continuing any further would have caused the chapter to go on for quite some time, as the next proper ending point would have been quite a long while from there.[/i]

Fair enough.

[i]And I will make this comment again: if you have read the first chapter, did you connect with the character in any way? Do you remember being in any of those situations? Have you ever woken up to find sixty texts, or been jealous of couples walking and sitting in the park, or did something to display some sort of air of coolness? If you haven't connected with the character in any way, then I kind of failed to induce readers to keep reading. I tried to use real-life scenarios that the high school and college kid can relate to.[/i]

No, didn't connect whatsoever. Wouldn't say I'm the polar opposite to him, because I'm hardly Mr.Popular with the 'cool' or chicks, but really have no likeness to him. Which may be why I don't get it.

[i]Furthermore, [B]HAVE YOU NOTICED IT WAS IN FLASHBACK[/B]? You should have realized that the whole story is in flashback. Every single chapter will be written in past tense, and I will be [i]building up[/i] to something. Notice how you are not getting any information about why I'm writing this, or from where. The main character (who I will also refer to as "I") is decribing the past me.[/i]

Yeah, I did notice that. Kinda hard not to when the character seems all 'if only I knew then what I know now'.
[/quote]

I suppose you'll now want to respond to my resposnse about your response.

[Twig]

I didn't read your whole conversation with Bahamut, but I did see that you said it was in flashback. I actually didn't notice that. ._. Now that I'm rereading it, it makes sense, but I didn't see it before for some reason.

Well, I'm ok with slow plot development, as long as there is something to interest me.

[Dark]

[quote name='Mikhail Nekem'evič Tal' timestamp='1303576892' post='5161986']
[i]Catcher in the Rye[/i]? It reads more like James Joyce with the long passages of detailed description. The narrative viewpoint and style of writing do reflective Salinger's work though.

It's a not a fan-fiction at all, more a piece of entirely original literature that uses and references Salinger and Joyce. It's nice but a tad bland. I always liked slow plot development, it makes me want to read more and more. I am looking forward to the next chapter.
[/quote]

I haven't read James Joyce, so I couldn't really tell you. But yeah, the first-person narrative style and the "go against society" realy was brought from Catcher, and at least in chapter one, the jumpy kind of disconnected plotline also reflects Catcher. I plan on getting to a more linear plot later, but for now, the jumpiness does have a purpose.

Yeah, it's not a fan-fiction, and I realized that. But I refused to post it in Literature, so I just called it a fan-fiction and hoped no one would notice. I know it's bland, and is there anything I can do to make it less boring to read? Should I add description and risk writing filler?

[quote name='Twig' timestamp='1303585065' post='5162218']
I didn't read your whole conversation with Bahamut, but I did see that you said it was in flashback. I actually didn't notice that. ._. Now that I'm rereading it, it makes sense, but I didn't see it before for some reason.

Well, I'm ok with slow plot development, as long as there is something to interest me.
[/quote]

I showed this to someone over MSN and they didn't notice the "flashback" style, either. It's all written in past tense, and I make a few references to how my memory cannot recollect the events that well, so I tried to make it obvious.

[Dark]

Chapter 2 is currently in the works and should hopefully be up by Friday (*shot*) or Saturday. It will have a ton more plot development, and will surely be longer than what I've written in Chapter 1. Hopefully once you read it you'll get a better idea of the direction I want this "story" to go in.

[Tourmaline]

Now, before I read it, I'll ask if you also wish to have an interpretation or analysis of sorts. Your basis, Catcher in the Rye, had a theme of the negative changes a person goes through from childhood to adulthood. How corrupt money and age could make people and such. In addition, Holden obviously didn't want to grow into his own adulthood, as the museum in stasis helped prove.

Anyways, would the former be appreciated, or simply a review?

[Dark]

[quote name='Hinagiku Katsura' timestamp='1303875136' post='5171066']
Now, before I read it, I'll ask if you also wish to have an interpretation or analysis of sorts. Your basis, Catcher in the Rye, had a theme of the negative changes a person goes through from childhood to adulthood. How corrupt money and age could make people and such. In addition, Holden obviously didn't want to grow into his own adulthood, as the museum in stasis helped prove.

Anyways, would the former be appreciated, or simply a review?
[/quote]

I feel like you paraphrased that from SparkNotes, to be completely honest. I based my literary piece off of the Catcher in the Rye, but one thing none of you are getting is that it isn't a parallel of the novel. It's not even close. I just stole the first-person narrative approach to a story, stole the flashback approach to a story, and stole the "society hates me I'm a nonconformist boohoo" approach to a story. Parts of me are embedded in the main character, and parts of other people I know will be embedded in future characters (including some from YCM, oh I'm so dubious), but the actual STORYLINE or THEMES (not so much the latter one, but the themes are a tad different) are nothing like Salinger's novel.

You do whatever the hell you want; read it and post whatever you want to. I honestly don't care, but I feel a [i]good[/i] review should have some sort of analysis of the prose.

[Tourmaline]

What is SparkNotes? I've never even seen the site before. Nor have I read of it. But that is irrelevant.

Anyways, I do understand your intention better. Many thanks for clearing that. Make sure to have such characters that correspond with the main protagonist, as well. Most characters in a decent novel or story have few to sole qualities that purposely conflict or correspond exceptionally well, for example, with how the main protagonist will be. Of course, you did know that. You couldn't have enjoyed Catcher in the Rye without really reading it:

We'll see if I have enough motivation. I probably will review it, but at a more unpredictable time.

Good luck typing this out, as well. It is rather difficult to rekindle lost momentum.

[Dark]

This weekend has been terribly busy and I apologize for not getting the second chapter up. I may get it up today (Sunday), but the chances are slim at best.

I am about halfway done with the chapter and I am trying my best to include more plot progression this time around, but halfway done isn't fully done. I'll get the chapter up whenever I finish, so if you are (shockingly) an avid reader of this, you won't have to wait excessively long.

[Clair]

Oooooh... I didn't like Catcher and the Rye, but this story hooked me at the start. All-in-all, it was very well-written... your vocabulary is impressive as expected, and your descriptions are creative whilst not being too overly dramatic. You also achieved your goal of character development thus far, as I felt like I was beginning to connect with the character. Good job with that. ^^

However, as the chapter progressed, I found myself losing interest. Maybe it was my mind or maybe it was your writing, but the descriptive approach you had taken started to bore me. I felt like you spent [i]too[/i] much time with character development and not enough time with plot progression. I learned a lot about the narrator, sure... but it was hard to maintain my interest towards the end of the story. What happened in chapter one... he walked out of his house and to the coffee shop? What's going to happen in the next chapter? Is he going to order some coffee? o:

There's still no real plot that I can see yet, and maybe there wasn't meant to be. I found this chapter uninteresting... but perhaps your approach in this chapter just wasn't my taste. I do want to read more, however.

Oh, and the narrator should get a Starbucks mocha if he decides to order something. Those things are gooood.

[Dark]

I understand entirely that you found the chapter to be a tad boring, and reading it over, I felt pangs of boredom as well. But the chapter's goal was to introduce you to the narrator, and hopefully you'd connect with something. Maybe weathermen using percentages ticks you off as well, or maybe you love showing an air of coolness when you really aren't. It was mostly description, I agree, and five paragraphs seems a tad lengthy to describe someone going from a dorm room to a coffee shop, but everything done by the narrator just adds to his personality. I said this would be a slow-moving piece of literature, and while I can't advance the plot at a lightning-fast pace, I am attempting to revise chapter two so that it does move a bit quicker.

[fenrir]

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