Lord Ursus Posted March 1, 2011 Report Share Posted March 1, 2011 [center][color="#4B0082"][size="5"]Welcome all![/size][/color] As of now I've written two fan fictions but given up on both, but I will try again, and this time, the fan-fic will be centered around the Exceed Monsters that are due to be introduced in Yu-Gi-Oh: ZeXal, psychology and Platonius Prewet, main protagonist and narrator of the story. I haven't written much as of late and really need to re-train my skills. I hope you will for once, give me some reviewing, YCM... [/center] [size="4"]Prologue[/size] [spoiler=Good day, mr...?]”Yaaawn!” [i]My gosh, office work can be so incredibly dull. I do perhaps only have this piece of paper left to sign… yes, ok. Excellent![/i] My name is Professor Platonius Prewett, newly educated psychologist and duelist. But, of course, I share the latter with, well, every single human being on earth! Strangely, people tend to become highly addicted to playing Duel Monsters, and between you and me, some of my clients have shown to develop psychological problems by this fierce obsession. I graduated from the Dueling Institute of Neulius City, (with quite good grades, mind you) and immediately took a second study in psychology. To my astonishment, I passed my doctorate, and at the age of 19! Presently I’m 20, and in the near future, (and I mean the [i]really[/i] near future) what I need is something to eat. Hhm… ah! “Papa Deo’s Special Fusion Sandwich” will do. They house not only the best sandwiches in town, but also an inside dueling arena. So, hey; good food plus entertainment? Count me in. The weather seems fine today at first glance, which is a nice surprise, as we have had nothing but rain this weekend. Now, do I want the “Chimeratech Original Spice” or “Horus Chicken Special”… huh? Curses! (It seems I were right on the money when I called the weather nice [i]at first glance[/i]) Excellent. Just excellent. Mid-way from my office to the restaurant and it has started to rain. Luckily it’s not too far, but I really should have brought my umbrella. Damn, I hate rain. At last, the front-door. I’m just going to open this… “Oh, hello, Deo.” The friendly face of Papa Deo shines at me from behind the counter. “Hello Professor, what can I provide for you today?” “Hhm, I’ll take the Horus Chicken Special, thank you.” “Right away,” Fortunately, my regular seat is not taken; it is located on the very end of the restaurant, with clear view of the arena, also unoccupied. So, what to do when there aren’t any entertainment and your food is being made? I don’t know, but apparently someone by the table opposite me has got an idea.[/spoiler] [spoiler=Chapter 1 - Analysis] The table opposite me was occupied by a family of four; a mother and father, who were fervently chewing their sandwiches while talking to a little girl between them, and a kid in the mid-teen ages that held my glance fiercely. He seemed awfully bored, and holding eye contact still, he raised his left hand clad in a D-Pad and pointed with the thumb towards the empty arena. The message was clear. We rose simultaneously from our seats and strode in positions onto the stage. The haze of chat in the place seemed to loosen, and I could very well feel without checking that we were being watched. “Any preference on the turn order?” asked I, inserting my deck into the D-Pad. “I’ll go first,” said the youth and drew his opening five. The gauntlet was thrown. Platonius – 4000 Youth – 4000 The teenager drew a card and added it indifferently to his hand. “I Summon Marauding Captain!” Forth rose a warrior clad in armor and facial scars. He drew both swords and gave me a slightly arrogant smile. [Level 3 ATK 1200] “When this card is Normal Summoned, I can Special Summon 1 Level 4 or lower Warrior-Type monster from my hand.” He slammed yet another card onto his D-Pad; a grumpy-looking dwarf with an axe. It rested both hands on the axe’s handle and examined its opposition sourly. [Level 4 - DEF 2000] “This monster is Dwarven Supporter, which when Summoned, increases the ATK and Level of one of my other monsters by 400 and 1, respectively. I’ll up the Level of my Marauding Captain to 4.” The weapons of the scarred captain glowed with a sudden impulse of power. [Level 4 – ATK 1600] “Is it time?” I asked, knowing what was coming. The teenager merely grinned, as he moved on. “I Exceed Summon, using my two monsters as Exceed Material! Come on out, Dwarf Emperor Thorrun!” Up jumped the two warriors, and they seemed to melt together in mid-air. A single stout figure loomed in a veil of dazzling light, for a moment, before the veil blasted off in a shower of sparks. A slightly short man in heavy armour fell down to the stadium and shouldered his heavy war hammer. [Rank 4 – ATK 1800] “That’s it? No fancy Summoning quote? Perhaps not all are into that trend, yet...” “Oh, there’s more; my Dwarf Emperor Thorrun gives my Warrior-Type monsters 400 ATK and DEF for each Exceed Material Monster on it, itself included. I count two, how about you?” [ATK 1800 – 2600] “Hey, that rhymed!” “...Seriously? Anyway, your turn.” “Jolly good.” I drew a card and looked at it; this might be a funny duel, after all. “You take no stock in Summoning quotes and plays an aggressive and to-the-point Warrior Deck. Hhm... this could indicate-” “Um, what? I flinched back out from my thinking bubble. “Oh, pardon. Bad habbit... Let’s see, I Summon Psychus Enforcer.” From out my D-Pad emerged a strange creature that glowed in every luster of a rainbow. [Level 4 – ATK 1000] “This card, as your Dwarf, harness other qualities than a mere 1000 ATK; I’ll show you, by setting 3 cards face-down.” I watched as my monster unfolded strings of light that connected to the overturned hides of my trio of new weapons. [ATK 1000 – 2200] “You understand? My Enforcer gains 400 ATK for each face-down card I possess.” “Yes, I figured as much,” said my opponent, quite impatiently. “There, there, understanding is not to be taken lightly. Let me see what more you have up your sleeve. Oh yeah, I forgot to ask: what’s your name?” “Gregory,” “I am Platonius Prewett, or professor Prewett, if you’d rather...” I’d failed to notice Gregory was already starting his turn. “Wait a minute,” I called, and not a moment too late. “I activate my face-down card: Induce Rivalry! So, during this turn, neither of us can Summon monsters, as we both control only a single monster. Also, our monsters must do battle this turn. Oh, additionally, now the second effect of my Psychus Enforcer activates!” As I said so, the string of light that connected my trap and monster surged with energy as the trap card evaporated and the monster flexed muscles with new-found strength. “It gains 1000 ATK each time a Trap Card is activated, but of course, as my Trap now disappears, 400 points will wear off,” [ATK 2200 – 3200 – 2800] “Ready for battle?” I asked. “Of course not; I play Divine Sword – Phoenix Blade and equip it to Thorrun, boosting his ATK to 2900.” A gold-embedded sword appeared in front of the dwarf, who grabbed it with a grin. [ATK 2600 – 2900] In this situation, I could hardly suppress a grin. But the momentary change upon my visage had not gone unnoticed; “What are you grinning at? Thorrun, attack his monster now!” At the command, Thorrun the Dwarf Emperor leapt at the coloured creature on the other side; hammer and sword readying a decisive blow. “You are really easy to analyze, you know that?” one of my face-down cards unleashed as I pressed a certain button on my D-Pad. “I activate Psycho Block. This card will, until the End Phase, negate any and all effects that affect a monster of my choosing. That will be Thorrun in this scenario. Oh, his ATK will return to its original amount, until the End Phase.” The dwarf seemed to halt, its former glow seemed to fade, and as Psychus Enforcer flickered in yet another surge of light, I added, “I activated another Trap Card, so my Enforcer gains a gross boost of 600 ATK.” [ATK 2800 – 3400] With its now superior power, my monster emitted a pulse of psychedelic splendour that blasted its target to pieces. The shock-wave reached Gregory, who winced slightly. Gregory – 3500 Gregory gave a slight cry of frustration, before he slammed a card face-down upon his field and called, “Your turn.” I gladly accepted the invitation, as the light of my monster dimmed a bit. [ATK 3400 – 1400] The way to victory lay there, in my hand. “I Summon Psychus Vassal.” I said, as a twisted, black and red figure with a hole through its head appeared to my side. [Level 3 – ATK 1500] “Now that he’s Summoned, I can reduce or increase the Level of a monster I control by 1. I’ll decrease the Level of my Enforcer.” [Level 4 -3] “Now, then, I guess the stage is set for an Excess monster of my own. I’ll give up my two monsters as Exceed Material.” As the monsters merged to one in a flash of light, I watched Gregory, who absent-mindedly moved his right index finger towards a button on his D-Pad. He withdrew it swiftly as he caught my gaze, yet the damage was done. From the vortex of light emerged a most curious gilded statue-like being upon a throne; it’s head and parts of its left torso was mechanized. Its one open eye flared in a red beam. [Rank 3 – ATK 2300] “Say hello to Identiton Freud, who will conclude my analysis.” I reckon my voice turned colder at this point. “Analysis? What-“ “Whenever I duel, I analyze the person I battle through the way they play, or how they play through the personality of my opponent. Every single card you’ve played has brought me to the solution of this duel. I activate the first ability of my Identiton Freud; I look at 1 face-down card on the field, and if its Type matches a card in my hand, I can send mine to the Graveyard to inflict 1000 damage to you.” Gregory’s card flipped out reluctantly, revealing the image of Mirror Force. "That card is a Trap, as is this card,” I said, discarding the card in my hand. At once, my monster let loose waves of heavy energy that slammed into Gregory, and albeit they being holograms, he did cover a bit. Gregory – 2500 “Next, I’ll play Deductive Intuition. So I’ll guess the Card Type of your face-down card. (It is a Trap) and if I guess it correctly, I’ll destroy it and draw 1 card.” What I mentioned did occur, and I drew a single card from my Deck. “Next up is a direct attack from Freud!” Identiton Freud hovered into position, then forged a sphere of golden energy, that was plummeted straight at Gregory, whose Life Point Meter went high-wire at the impact. Gregory – 200 “That’s not enough to beat me,” said Gregory, though not completely confident. I merely flipped up yet another Trap as an answer. “I activate my last card in this duel: The Last Straw! This card inflicts 400 damage to you for each Trap Card sent to the Graveyard this turn. That’s two cards. You lose.” A single explosion against Gregory forced his Life Points down to 0. Gregory – 0 “That was awfully fun,” I said, as the viewers applauded, Gregory found his seat and I united with my nearly lukewarm sandwich. “Nothing like the spoils of victory,” I said to myself, and began to eat.[/spoiler] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Organized Chaos Posted March 2, 2011 Report Share Posted March 2, 2011 Interesting.... I really want a Horus Chicken Special now . A good start, it allows the story to "fold out" in any way. Hope to see some dueling action soon. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vector Nightmare Posted March 2, 2011 Report Share Posted March 2, 2011 Since this is pretty short, I'll review it line-by-line, Cakey-style, for lulz. [b]Prologue[/b] Well, at least it's not a 'prolouge'. [b]”Yaaawn!” [i]My gosh, office work can be so incredibly dull. I do perhaps only have this piece of paper left to sign… yes, ok. Excellent![/i][/b] Yes. Excellent. [i]Excellent[/i]. EXCELLENT!!!!1!!!111one. My EVIL PLAN IS FINALLY SET TO MOTION. MWHAHAHAHA. MWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! [b]My name is Proffesor Platonius Prewett, newly educated psychologist and duelist. But, of course, I share the latter with, well, every single human being on earth! Strangely, people tend to become highly addicted to playing Duel Monsters, and between you and me, some of my clients have shown to develop psychological problems by this fierce obsession.[/b] Well, if I came face-to-face with a real life version of Temporal Machine God Metaion's ultimate trollface, I'd start developing psychological problems too. Also, my name is Proffesor Platonius Prewett? So Proffesor is my first name, Platonius is my middle name, and Prewett is my last name? Well, that makes more sense than spelling professor with two f's and one s. [b]I graduated from the Dueling Institute of Neulius City, (with quite good grades, mind you) and immediately took a second study in psychology. To my astonishment, I passed my doctorate, and at the age of 19! Presently I’m 20, and in the near future, (and I mean the [i]really[/i] near future) what I need is something to eat.[/b] Oh, see, this is funny because you expect to hear he has some big ambition and then he just says he wants to eat. Except no, it's not really funny. [b]Hhm… ah! “Papa Deo’s Special Fusion Sandwich” will do. They house not only the best sandwiches in town, but also an inside dueling arena. So, hey; good food plus entertainment? Count me in.[/b] Oh, see, this is funny because it was supposed to be a pun on [url="http://yugioh.wikia.com/wiki/Sanwitch"]this[/url]... except wait, it wasn't actually a pun on this, so... [b]The weather seems fine today at first glance, which is a nice surprise, as we have had nothing but rain this weekend. Now, do I want the “Chimeratech Original Spice” or “Horus Chicken Special”… huh? Curses! (It seems I were right on the money when I called the weather nice [i]at first glance[/i])[/b] Wrapping your own thoughts in parentheses. Ultimate mindscrew. Oh, and making a character say a statement then have him think about it one sentence afterward is... not that good. [b]Excellent. Just excellent. Mid-way from my office to the restaurant and it has started to rain. Luckily it’s not too far, but I really should have brought my umbrella. Damn, I hate rain.[/b] Because I'm made of sugar? [b]At last, the front-door. I’m just going to open this… “Oh, hello, Deo.”[/b] I'm just going to open this... no, wait. Should I really open it? I mean, opening this door is such a critical moment that it deserves its own mini-sentence in the story. Clearly the readers will not be able to fully appreciate the beauty of a door being opened unless I explicitly describe it... such a monumental event certainly deserves more of my time. I need to carefully calibrate all possible ways to open this - HEY, WAIT, THE PLOT MOVED AHEAD ALREADY?!?!?! BUT, I WANT TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENS WITH THE DOOR!! [b]The friendly face of Papa Deo shines at me from behind the counter. “Hello Professor, what can I provide for you today?” “Hhm, I’ll take the Horus Chicken Special, thank you.” “Right away,”[/b] You know, every time I read that "shining face" part, I keep thinking Papa Deo as [url="http://yugioh.wikia.com/wiki/Temporal_Machine_God_Razion"]this[/url] guy. Can't get shinier than this. [b]Fortunately, my regular seat is not taken; it is located on the very end of the restaurant, with clear view of the arena, also unoccupied.[/b] Yes, after the formidable task of acquiring my degree, going through dull office work, suffering through devastating rainstorms, and pondering about the opening of a door for roughly fifteen minutes, MY FAVORITE SEAT IS FREE. SOMETHING IS FINALLY GOING WELL IN MY LIFE. [b]So, what to do when there aren’t any entertainment and your food is being made? I don’t know, but apparently someone by the table opposite me has got an idea.[/b] cardgamecardgamecardgamecardgamecardgamecardgamecardgamecardgameCARDGAME!!!!!! --- Now then. It wasn't bad. Kinda short, and without much essence. In fact, it actually seemed like you were just extending pointless scenes to increase the length of this part (as opposed to actually posting a part with more content in it). Ah well. At least it has reasonably good humor. I'll keep an eye out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lord Ursus Posted March 2, 2011 Author Report Share Posted March 2, 2011 Thank you for that, well... thorough review. I wanted to make the prologue like an inside view of Platonius' personality and thoughts, plus making it seem like he's actually talking to you, or himself, depending on how you view.. Platonius is a rather peculiar person, hence why I made him seem slightly different. I do need reviews like this, to know which way my fic is going, though I'd appreciate it if you had written it in a slightly less troll-ish manner. The errors shall be fixed ASAP. I am, as previously written, way out of practice, and I seldom tend to write in first-person narrative in the present tense. I might re-write it into past tense. Love you both to watch how this unfolds. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lord Ursus Posted March 6, 2011 Author Report Share Posted March 6, 2011 Added the new chapter, folks. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lexadin Posted March 6, 2011 Report Share Posted March 6, 2011 Well I liked it. The duel was written in a way that's very enjoyable to read. Though I don't like Exceeds they do fit with the upcoming trend. Overal a good fic. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lord Ursus Posted March 6, 2011 Author Report Share Posted March 6, 2011 Thank you, Lex. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Organized Chaos Posted March 6, 2011 Report Share Posted March 6, 2011 First duel was good. Psychus seems to be Platonius' main archtype, his deck mainly focuses on knowing your Opponent's cards to activate cards like deductive Inuition or to change his strategy. Nice idea, I wonder what deck type his next opponent is going to use. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lord Ursus Posted March 6, 2011 Author Report Share Posted March 6, 2011 Very well deducted. I'll begin working on the next chapter tomorrow. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lord Ursus Posted March 23, 2011 Author Report Share Posted March 23, 2011 Bump for comments. I'll start working on the new chapter soon. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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