Whitey Posted February 18, 2009 Report Share Posted February 18, 2009 [align=center]Hello and Welcome to my first fan fic, Pokemon: A New Beginning. Well, here are the chapters. I'll update when ever I can. BTW: Italics Is What They're Thinking [spoiler=Chapter 1]Chapter 1The First Morning I woke up this morning feeling drowsy. I heard my mom calling my name. "Mike, get up!" she yelled. I got off the lumpy mattress and walked slowly to the bathroom. I brushed my teeth and washed my face, still feeling sleepy. I lazily changed into my clothes and went downstairs. I walked to the kitchen seeing what's for breakfast, but seeing only a packed backpack on the table. My mom told me it was my first day as a Pokemon trainer. I totally forgot! I ran to the sink, washing my face to get awake. Then, I grabbed the backpack and ran outside. When I got outside, I noticed all of my friends already had Pokemon. I quickly ran to Professor Pike's lab. I pushed the doors open, hoping there was still a Pokemon for me. I said to Professor Pike panting, "I'm sorry I'm late! Just please tell me there's a Pokemon for me!" The professor calmed me down. Luckily, there was one more left. The professor told me it was a Bulbasaur, but he said it was still a little grouchy. I accepted the Pokemon anyways. I ran outside to join my friends, Johnny and Zack. They were all ready to go. We decided to start our journey a little early. We started walking down the road. I saw something moving in the grass. All of a sudden it jumped out at me! It was a wild Caterpie! Johnny sent out his Charmander, and Zack sent out his Squirtle. Feeling nervous about my grouchy Bulbasaur, I kept it in it’s Pokeball. My friends defeated the wild Caterpie, and returned their Pokemon. We continued to move along. In a couple of hours, we reached the next town. We went to the PokeMart to get some Pokeballs and Potions. After we got them, we continued to the next gym town, but the road was blocked. The route was piled with rocks. Apparently, some wild Golem blocked the road. The only way was by water, but the only person who had a water Pokemon was Zack. Instead, we decided to camp out in the woods for the rest of the day, hoping tomorrow the road would be cleared. As night fell, and we were about to fall asleep, I wondered what adventures lied out there. I imagined all the Pokemon I would be able to see. As the moon shone brightly, I slowly fell asleep. The day was over, with another day to come. [spoiler=Chapter 2]Chapter 2The Giant Boulder I awoke this morning feeling nice and relaxed. It turns out that my friends were already up. They were making breakfast. I asked them what we were eating. “This isn’t for us. It’s for the Pokemon.” Zack said. I looked in the bowl, noticing only Pokemon food. “Aww man…I’m hungry.” I looked into my backpack hoping to find food, but yet again, I only found Pokemon food. I looked around, hopefully to find some berries, but it seemed they were all already plucked. “I’ll go look around for berries.” I said. I went deeper into the woods, hoping to find a berry tree. After 5 minutes of walking, I got tired. I went to go sit by a tree to take a rest, when something hit my head. I looked up to see what it was, when I found a tree full of apples. I jumped up in glee. I gathered all the apples I could carry and headed by to where my friends set up camp, only to find myself lost. I looked around trying to find Johnny and Zack, but I couldn’t find them. Then, I noticed a smoke signal. I followed the smoke, and soon I was back at camp. As soon as we finished eating, we went to go see if the road was still blocked. The construction workers told us the road was almost cleared. They just had to get one more boulder off the road, but they let us pass by anyways. As we were walking down the road, I noticed the big boulder, but it wasn’t a boulder. In a second a head, arms, and legs popped out of the rock. It was a Golem! It rolled out at us. We quickly sent out our Pokemon. Charmander and Squirtle stood firm, ready to fight, but Bulbasaur dropped to the ground and fell asleep. I told Bulbasaur to get up, but it just laid there. Since it came no use in the battle, I returned it to it’s Pokeball. I watched at how Johhny and Zack and their Pokemon worked as a team listening to on another. “I wish my Bulbasaur would listen to me like that.” Johnny and Zack quickly finished off the Golem and returned their Pokemon. Then, Zack quickly threw a Pokeball at the Golem. *Ding. Ding. Ding.* Zack had caught a Golem! “Alright! I caught a Golem!” Zack yelled. Soon after that, as the sun set, and the moon rose, we started to become sleepy. We set up camp in a forest near the road. As the moon grew dimmer, we started to fall asleep. Another day gone, yet another one to look forward to. [/align] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Καsτοr Posted February 18, 2009 Report Share Posted February 18, 2009 Um, its a little short. And the whole "Late for the pokemon lab" is totally taken by the first adventure, AKA Kanto. I didn't really like it for those two reasons. And something else, but as usual, it slipped out of my mind. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Whitey Posted February 18, 2009 Author Report Share Posted February 18, 2009 Alright thanks for your comments Alph! Since it's my first fan fic, I'm trying to improve. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mysty Posted February 18, 2009 Report Share Posted February 18, 2009 This sounds like something a person would write in a diary. Diary-style is usually not the way to write a fan-fic. I suggest stretching out the chapter with more description and more dialogue. If you have any questions about that, PM me about it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Whitey Posted February 19, 2009 Author Report Share Posted February 19, 2009 Thanks for your comment and Chapter 2 Posted Up! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mysty Posted February 19, 2009 Report Share Posted February 19, 2009 It still sounds too diary-formatted. The day ended in 5 paragraphs. Although I know exactly how this fan-fic could be fixed, I can't exactly explain it with a lot of description. Sorry. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JG. Posted February 19, 2009 Report Share Posted February 19, 2009 Seems good, maybe too short though. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brushfire Posted February 19, 2009 Report Share Posted February 19, 2009 Now, it's not bad, but I'd like to give you a few pointers. It's in 1st-person, most Fan-Fics are written in 3rd-person which is how I like it. As said, it's too short. I don't expect you to go that far, but I normally write my Chapters to at least 10 pages of A4 size 12 font (Times New Roman). Try to get each chapter around 3-5 pages of A4. Try to be a bit more unique, being late for the Pokémon Lab has been done before. Work on your spacing and grammar. Every time a new character speaks, it goes on a new line. Use paragraphs wisely. That's all for now, keep it in mind. :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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