Yu-Gi-Oh! Post Mortem [First Fan Fic]

[Ookami Moriyama]

The story begins!...

 

[spoiler=Characters]

[spoiler=Kansuke Pitsura]

Name: Kansuke Pitsura

Age: 17

Appearances: spiky dark hair, dark eyes, wears a black T-shirt and a pair of black jeans

Bio: Kansuke is a lazy, but very smart guy. He is almost always alone, and he doesn't have many friends. He likes to spend his time alone, relax, take a nap maybe. However, when it's time to duel, he doesn't back of. He is always prepared for anything and always finds a strategy for anything.

 

 

[spoiler=Kojiro Yamamoto]

Name: Kojiro Yamamoto

Age: 17

Appearances: long dark hair, dark eyes, wears a black shirt, and black jeans

Bio: Kojiro is actually Kansuke's best friend, but he doesn't know yet. His personality is very similar to Kansuke's. They are like twins. Kojiro likes to spend his time alone, is a smart guy, but he likes to relax, and he is always ready for any challenge.

 

 

[spoiler=Ryuichi Shinoyama]

Name: Ryuichi Shinoyama

Age: 16

Appearances: spiky blond hair, blue eyes, wears a blue T-shirt and blue jeans

Bio: Ryuichi likes to hang out with Kansuke and Kojiro. They are like a guide for him. He is always full of energy, and talks a bit to much. It's good that Kojro is always around to stop him saying something wrong, or just stop him.

 

 

[spoiler=Ayame Yano]

Name: Ayame Yano

Age:16

Appearances: long blue hair, blue eyes, wears a beautiful blue dress

Bio: Ayame is always thinking about something, or at last it seems so. She loves Kansuke, but she speaks about this only with her best friend Saori. Kansuke doesn't know about Ayame's feelings, and he is not trying to talk to her.

 

 

[spoiler=Saori Isawa]

Name: Saori Isawa

Age: 17

Appearances: short brown hair, brown eyes, wears a blue shirt and a black skirt

Bio: Saori Isawa is a rebel schoolgirl, that likes to party all the time. She is bored all the time. She is also Ayame's best friend. Always supports her, and they spend a lot of time together.

 

 

[spoiler=Tetsuo Hagiwara]

Name: Tetsuo Hagiwara

Age: 19

Appearances: brown hair, dark eyes, wears a black mask on his face, a grey T-shirt and black jeans.

Bio: Tetsuo is Tetsuya's older brother. He likes to give orders. He is a really bad guy, and has an evil aura. He always is in search of power, and crushes everything in it's way.

 

 

[spoiler=Tetsuya Hagiwara]

Name: Tetsuya Hagiwara

Age: 18

Appearances: brown hair, green eyes, wears a black hat and a black mask on his face, a blue T-shirt, and black jeans.

Bio: Tetsuya is Tetsuo's younger brother. He doesn't like following orders, but he must follow his older brother's orders. Hi's not so evil like his brother, but evil enough to help Tetsuo to accomplish his plans.

 

 

 

 

 

[spoiler=Decks]

[spoiler=Kansuke Pitsura]

[spoiler=Deck1: Main Deck]None yet

 

[spoiler=Deck2: Dinosaur Deck]None yet

 

[spoiler=Deck3: Dragon Deck]None yet

 

 

 

[spoiler=Kojiro Yamamoto]

[spoiler=Deck1: Zombie Deck]None yet

 

[spoiler=Deck2: Dark Ruler Deck]None yet

 

 

 

[spoiler=Ryuichi Shinoyama]

[spoiler=Deck: Weapons Deck]

Monsters:

 

1x Blowback Dragon

1x Spikebot

1x Flint Lock

1x Gradius

1x Rocket Jumper

 

Spells:

 

1x Flint

1x Mass Driver

1x Reload

 

Traps:

 

1x Draining Shield

1x Interdimensional Matter Transporter

 

Extra Deck:

-

 

 

 

 

[spoiler=Ayame Yano]

[spoiler=Deck: Fairy Deck]None yet

 

 

 

[spoiler=Saori Isawa]

[spoiler=Deck: Harpie Deck]None yet

 

 

 

[spoiler=Tetsuo Hagiwara]

[spoiler=Deck: Knights Deck]None yet

 

 

 

[spoiler=Tetsuya Hagiwara]

[spoiler=Deck: Swordsmen Deck]

Monsters:

 

1x Gearfried, the Iron Knight

1x Neo, the Magic Swordsman

1x Blade Knight

1x Obnoxious Celtic Guard

1x Swordsman of Landstar

 

Spells:

 

1x Block Attack

1x Legendary Sword

1x Sogen

 

Traps:

 

1x Draining Shield

1x Sakuretsu Armor

 

Extra Deck:

-

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Story

 

[spoiler=[b]Season 1[/b]]

[spoiler=[b]Chapter 1: Adventure Begins! Shadows Appear![/b]]

Yeah! Duel! Now Summon: "Chaos Emperor Dragon - Envoy of the End". Activate Effect! Yeah! Crush him!!!!!! I won.

I woke up suddenly.

Kansuke: "What!? What happened?... Oh, it was just a dream."

 

It was a beautiful Sunday morning. I woke up suddenly, because I had a really sweet dream and a nightmare at the same time. I was dreaming about a great Duel with an evil guy. I don't know who is he, but the good part was that I was winning.

Hi! My name is Kansuke Pitsura. I'm a young duelist with big dreams. I'm a simple guy though; not many people know me and I don't have many friends. I like to spend my time alone and I'm a really lazy guy. I like to relax and maybe even take a nap when I'm not disturbed.

Ok...it's time to get some sleep.

[spoiler=[b]Meanwhile[/b]] Ayame's house.

Ayame is thinking about something and doesn't listen to Saiko's words.

Saiko: "Hey! Are you listening to me?"

Ayame (Depressive): "Sorry...I'm just wondering what is he doing, that's all."

Saiko: "Kansuke, right?"

Ayame (Depressive): "Yeah..."

Saiko: "Well, maybe he's sleeping, like always."

Ayame (Still depressive): "Yeah... I guess you're right."

 

 

 

Kansuke's House.

Kojiro: "Hey! Kansuke! Wake up!"

Ryuichi: "Yeah! Wake up man!"

I woke up and I heard that someone is calling me. Actually Kojiro Yamamoto and Ryuichi Shinoyama are calling for me. They are my friends I think, because we spend a lot of time together. Well, anyway, I opened the window:

Kansuke: "Huh?! Oh, hi guys! What's up?"

Ryuichi: "Man, what took you so long??? You're always so lazy???"

Kansuke (Smiling): "Well, I guess I am. Ha-ha-ha!"

Ryuichi (Bored): "Oh man..."

Kansuke: "So, what are you guys doing so early in the morning?"

Ryuichi (Nervous): "What??? You..."

Kojiro: "Calm down Ryuichi! Hey Kansuke! Let's go. It's time to get some serious training."

Kansuke: "Ok! Just a second..."

I dressed up quickly, took my Duel Disk and I was ready to go and have some fun, training at the same time.

Just before I leave the house...:

Kansuke's Mom: "Don't get in trouble Kansuke! And don't be late for dinner!"

Kansuke: "Yeah Mom, I know... <>"

I get outside...:

Ryuichi (Nervous): "What took you so long???"

Kansuke: "<> Well... You know. Traffic..."

Ryuichi (Angry): "Traffic...??? You cannot find a better reason? You...."

Kojiro: "That's enough!!! We don't have time to lose. Let's go!"

[spoiler=[b]Meanwhile[/b]]

Two hidden shadows are watching the scene...

Shadow1 (Evil voice): "Yeah... We've finally found him..."

Shadow2 (Evil laugh): "The ultimate weapon..."

Shadow1 (Evil voice with echo): "The Spark...."

 

 

 

We're walking down the street, heading somewhere...

Kansuke: "So! Where are we going today?"

Kojiro: "I chose the park for today's training. Is that fine with you?"

Kansuke: "Yeah, it's cool."

Ryuichi (Happy): "We're going to Duel!!!"

But suddenly two shadows appeared in front of us.

Shadow1: "Not so fast..."

Shadow2: "You're not going anywhere."

Kansuke: "What do you mean?"

Shadow1: "You're not going anywhere until you Duel us!"

Kansuke (Confused): "Who??? Me???"

Shadow1 (Ironic): "No, my grandma..."

Kansuke (Silly face): "Oh, sorry. I though..."

Shadow2 (Angry): "Of course it's you, you little..."

Kojiro: "Who are you guys anyway?"

Shadow1: "My name is Tetsuo Hagiwara..."

Shadow2: "... And mine is Tetsuya Hagiwara!"

Tetsuo & Tetsuya: "We are brothers! And we are known as "The Perfect Hagiwara Duo". Ha-ha-ha! You have no chance against us!"

Kojiro: "Whatever... Prepare to Duel!"

Tetsuo: "No, no no. We want him."

Tetsuo is pointing on me.

Kojiro: "If you want him, you must beat me first!"

Ryuichi: "<> Not so fast! This time you Duel me!"

Kansuke: "<>"

Kojiro: "What?!"

Ryuichi: "That's right! I'll Duel '!"

Kojiro: "But Ryuichi..."

Ryuichi: "It's ok Kojiro. I always stand back and watch you guys. Now it's your turn to watch and my turn to shine."

Tetsuya: "Allright! I'll Duel you!"

Ryuichi: "Let's go!"

[spoiler=[b]Meanwhile[/b]]

Ayame's house.

Ayame (Depressive): "I can't wait anymore... I want to see him..."

Saiko: "Relax! Tomorrow is Monday. You can see him at school."

Ayame (Still depressive): "Yeah, I know... But so much time without him..."

 

 

 

Ryuichi: "It's time to start the Duel!"

Tetsuya: "You can start it, because I'll finish it!"

Kansuke: "Hey, Ryuichi! Kick his butt man! Good luck!"

Ryuichi: "Thanks! I think I'll need it..."

Kojiro: "Ryuichi..."

Ryuichi: "Huh?!..."

Kojiro: "Good luck."

Ryuichi (Smiling): "<>"

Ryuichi & Tetsuya: "Let's Duel!!!"

[spoiler=[size=medium]Duel]

(Ryuichi=8000 LP) (Tetsuya=8000 LP)

Ryuichi: "Ok! My turn. Draw!... Sweet. I'll Set two cards face-down. Now I activate "Reload" from my hand."

Ryuichi shuffles his hand into his Deck and Draws the same amount of cards.

Ryuichi: "I Summon "Flint Lock" (1500 / 800) and I activate "Flint". I'll equip my "Flint" card to my "Flint Lock" monster on my field. Now "Flint Lock" cannot be destroyed by battle and is unaffected by "Flint" card's effect."

Kansuke: "Yeah! That's the way you do it!"

Ryuichi: "That's right. Ok, I'll end my turn."

(Ryuichi=8000 LP) (Tetsuya=8000 LP)

Tetsuya: "Ok. My turn. Draw. I Set 1 card and 1 Monster face-down Defense Position. That's all."

(Ryuichi=8000 LP) (Tetsuya=8000 LP)

Ryuichi: "<> Well, my turn. Draw! <> Ok! I'll Summon "Rocket Jumper" (1000 / 800). Now, "Rocket Jumper" attack directly. (Tetsuya: -1000 LP)"

Tetsuya: "Huh... Looser!"

Ryuichi: "Yeah, whatever. "Flint Lock" attack!"

Tetsuya: "I activate my face-down card: "Sakuretsu Armor"! Your "Flint Lock" is history!"

Tetsuya's card destroyed Ryuichi's "Flint Lock" and "Flint" card was equipped to "Rocket Jumper" (ATK: 1000-300), because it was the only face-up monster at that time.

Ryuichi: "Fine. I'll end my turn... <>"

(Ryuichi=8000 LP) (Tetsuya=7000 LP)

Tetsuya: "Draw. I Summon "Obnoxious Celtic Guard" (1400 / 1200). I also equip "Legendary Sword" to my "Obnoxious Celtic Guard" (ATK: 1400+300; DEF:1200+300). Flip Summon: "Swordsman of Landstar" (500 / 1200). Celtic G. attack his Junk."

Ryuichi's "Rocket Jumper" was destroyed. (Ryuichi: -1000 LP)

Ryuichi: "Ok. Then I choose to equip "Flint" to your "Swordsman of Landstar" (ATK: 500-300)."

Tetsuya: "Whatever. I end my turn."

(Ryuichi=7000 LP) (Tetsuya=7000 LP)

Ryuichi: "Ok. Then I'll Draw! I'll Set 1 card face-down. Then I Summon "Gradius" (1200 / 800). Now "Gradius" attack his Swordsman."

Tetsuya: "Not so fast! I activate "Draining Shield". Your attack is ended and my LP are increased. Ha-ha-ha! (Tetsuya: +1200 LP)"

Ryuichi: "<>. I'll end my turn."

(Ryuichi=7000 LP) (Tetsuya=8200 LP)

Tetsuya: "Fine! My turn. Draw! Celtic G. attack!"

Ryuichi: "I activate my Trap Card: "Interdimensional Matter Transporter". My "Gradius is removed from play until the end of the turn. But that's not all; your attack lost it's target so it's negated. Ha-ha-ha!"

Tetsuya: "It doesn't matter. You're finished anyway. End of my turn."

(Ryuichi=7000 LP) (Tetsuya=8200 LP)

Ryuichi: "Allright! My "Gradius" is back! Now Draw! I Release my "Gradius" to Advance Summon "Blowback Dragon". I activate the effect of my Dragon; Here's the coin. First flip....: It's Heads. Second flip.....: It's Tails."

Tetsuya: "And third will be Tails too!"

Ryuichi: "And third flip...: <> Yeah! It's Heads! Your Celtic G., by the way: it's a stupid name, is destroyed!"

Tetsuya: "You are stupid for calling my card stupid."

Ryuichi: "Whatever... Now "Blowback Dragon" attack his Swordsman (Tetsuya: -2000 LP)."

Kansuke: "Go Ryuichi! Go!"

Ryuichi: "Thanks!"

Tetsuya: "Yeah. But now your stupid Dragon is equipped with "Flint"."

Ryuichi: "You should care about you, not about my Dragon. I end my turn."

(Ryuichi=7000 LP) (Tetsuya=6200 LP)

Tetsuya: "I think you should watch for yourself. My turn. Draw. I Summon "Gearfried, the Iron Knight" (1800 / 1600)! I also activate "Block Attack". Your "Blowback Dragon" is changed to Defense Position."

Kojiro (Worried): "It's not good..."

Kansuke: "What do you mean?"

Kojiro: "Look at the field Kansuke."

Kansuke: "Damn! You're right..."

Tetsuya: "Gearfried attack his worthless Dragon!"

Kojiro: "You see. Now "Flint" should be equipped to Gearfried, but his effect destroys the card. This way Tetsuya don't have to be afraid about "Flint anymore."

Kansuke (Worried): "Yeah. You're right. I see now..."

Tetsuya: "It's your turn now."

(Ryuichi=7000 LP) (Tetsuya=6200 LP)

Ryuichi: "<> Ok. Draw! I activate "Mass Driver" and end my turn."

(Ryuichi=7000 LP) (Tetsuya=6200 LP)

Tetsuya: "Draw. I summon "Neo , the Magic Swordsman". Gerafried attack (Ryuichi: -1800 LP), Neo you too (Ryuichi: -1700 LP). That's for now."

(Ryuichi=3500 LP) (Tetsuya=6200 LP)

Ryuichi: "My turn. Draw! <> I Set 1 card. That's all"

(Ryuichi=3500 LP) (Tetsuya=6200 LP)

Kansuke: "C'mon Ryuichi! Fight! You can beat him!"

Kojiro: "It's worthless Kansuke. I shouldn't let him do this. He's not an opponent for this guys..."

Kansuke: "What do you mean?"

Kojiro: "<> This guys are not ordinary duelists. But I don't think they're on their own. Someone else is the head of all this thing."

Tetsuya: "I guess it's my turn. Draw a card and... I activate "Sogen" (All Warrior-Type monsters - ATK: +200; DEF: +200). Gearfried attack!"

Ryuichi: "Not so fast! I activate "Draining Shield" (Ryuichi: +2000 LP)."

Tetsuya: "So, you have one too. It doesn't matter. Neo attack! (Ryuichi: -1700 LP) I end my turn."

(Ryuichi=3800 LP) (Tetsuya=6200 LP)

Ryuichi: "<> Draw! <> I'll end my turn..."

(Ryuichi=3800 LP) (Tetsuya=6200 LP)

Kansuke (Worried): "<>"

Tetsuya: "Draw a card. I'll Summon "Blade Knight" (1600 / 1000) ("Sogen" activates - ATK: +200; DEF: +200). Then I Set 1 card face-down. now, because I have only one card in my hand, my Knight's effect activates and he gains 400 ATK points (ATK: 1800+400). Neo attack! (Ryuichi: -1700) Gearfried attack! (Ryuichi: -2000 LP) "Blade Knight" attack! (Ryuichi: -2200 LP) It's over!"

(Ryuichi=0 LP) (Tetsuya=6200 LP)

End of Duel

 

 

 

 

Ryuichi: "<>"

Kansuke (In silence): "Ryuichi... No..."

Kojiro: "<>"

Tetsuo (Evil voice&laugh): "Your up next Kansuke! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!"

 

 

To Be Continued...

 

 

[spoiler=[b]Chapter 2]

Coming soon...

 

 

 

[.:Traceur:.]

very nice chapter...this could be a good fic....

i like your idea....:D

[Ookami Moriyama]

very nice chapter...this could be a good fic....

i like your idea....:D

 

Thanks a lot ^_^

 

It took me pretty much time to come out with this idea

 

now it's a lot easier, because I already have a base idea

 

I also decided to change the title

 

Chapter 2 is almost done....

 

Thanks a lot again man ^_^

[.:Traceur:.]

no problem...i have a Fic too...so you could read and reply...i hope you will like it...

http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/thread-124653.html

[Ookami Moriyama]

no problem...i have a Fic too...so you could read and reply...i hope you will like it...

http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/thread-124653.html

 

sure ^_^

 

why not

[.:Traceur:.]

thanks man...PM me when a new chapter comes...

[Ookami Moriyama]

thanks man...PM me when a new chapter comes...

 

well

 

I've read it and replied ^_^

 

take a look

 

sure, I'll PM you and you me too ^_^

[.:Traceur:.]

yes i saw it...^^

ofc...

[Ookami Moriyama]

yes i saw it...^^

ofc...

 

^_^

 

anyone else?

[bury the year]

Your names are surprisingly accurate; the only one that doesn't make any sense is "Pitsura". However, why you decided to use scriptspeak is beyond me, because it lacks description in any way. Add to that, because right now, they're all blobs in a blob room.

 

Truth in Sig: 5/10. Not bad, but not good either.

[Ookami Moriyama]

Your names are surprisingly accurate; the only one that doesn't make any sense is "Pitsura". However' date=' why you decided to use scriptspeak is beyond me, because it lacks description in any way. Add to that, because right now, they're all blobs in a blob room.

 

[b']Truth in Sig:[/b] 5/10. Not bad, but not good either.

 

well...

 

thanks

 

"Pitsura" is my name, that's why

 

but I was already thinking to change that soon

 

when I'll post chapter 2

 

any ideas to improve?

 

I'd appreciate...

 

thx again

 

someone else?

[Weather Report - Stand]

Well, hello, it's time for Weather Report.

The story begins!...

Okay' date=' then... no, it doesn't begin yet. We have a CHARACTER LIST.[/color']

[spoiler=Characters]

[spoiler=Kansuke Pitsura]

Name: Kansuke Pitsura

Age: 17

Appearances: spiky dark hair, dark eyes, wears a black T-shirt and a pair of black jeans

Bio: Kansuke is a lazy, but very smart guy. He is almost always alone, and he doesn't have many friends. He likes to spend his time alone, relax, take a nap maybe. However, when it's time to duel, he doesn't back of. He is always prepared for anything and always finds a strategy for anything.

 

 

[spoiler=Kojiro Yamamoto]

Name: Kojiro Yamamoto

Age: 17

Appearances: long dark hair, dark eyes, wears a black shirt, and black jeans

Bio: Kojiro is actually Kansuke's best friend, but he doesn't know yet. His personality is very similar to Kansuke's. They are like twins. Kojiro likes to spend his time alone, is a smart guy, but he likes to relax, and he is always ready for any challenge.

 

 

[spoiler=Ryuichi Shinoyama]

Name: Ryuichi Shinoyama

Age: 16

Appearances: spiky blond hair, blue eyes, wears a blue T-shirt and blue jeans

Bio: Ryuichi likes to hang out with Kansuke and Kojiro. They are like a guide for him. He is always full of energy, and talks a bit to much. It's good that Kojro is always around to stop him saying something wrong, or just stop him.

 

 

[spoiler=Ayame Yano]

Name: Ayame Yano

Age:16

Appearances: long blue hair, blue eyes, wears a beautiful blue dress

Bio: Ayame is always thinking about something, or at last it seems so. She loves Kansuke, but she speaks about this only with her best friend Saori. Kansuke doesn't know about Ayame's feelings, and he is not trying to talk to her.

 

 

[spoiler=Saori Isawa]

Name: Saori Isawa

Age: 17

Appearances: short brown hair, brown eyes, wears a blue shirt and a black skirt

Bio: Saori Isawa is a rebel schoolgirl, that likes to party all the time. She is bored all the time. She is also Ayame's best friend. Always supports her, and they spend a lot of time together.

 

 

[spoiler=Tetsuo Hagiwara]

Name: Tetsuo Hagiwara

Age: 19

Appearances: brown hair, dark eyes, wears a black mask on his face, a grey T-shirt and black jeans.

Bio: Tetsuo is Tetsuya's older brother. He likes to give orders. He is a really bad guy, and has an evil aura. He always is in search of power, and crushes everything in it's way.

 

 

[spoiler=Tetsuya Hagiwara]

Name: Tetsuya Hagiwara

Age: 18

Appearances: brown hair, green eyes, wears a black hat and a black mask on his face, a blue T-shirt, and black jeans.

Bio: Tetsuya is Tetsuo's younger brother. He doesn't like following orders, but he must follow his older brother's orders. Hi's not so evil like his brother, but evil enough to help Tetsuo to accomplish his plans.

 

 

 

 

*WHEW* It's over. NOW THE ADVENTURE BEGI--no, DECK LISTS.

[spoiler=Decks]

[spoiler=Kansuke Pitsura]

[spoiler=Deck1: Main Deck]None yet

 

[spoiler=Deck2: Dinosaur Deck]None yet

 

[spoiler=Deck3: Dragon Deck]None yet

 

 

 

[spoiler=Kojiro Yamamoto]

[spoiler=Deck1: Zombie Deck]None yet

 

[spoiler=Deck2: Dark Ruler Deck]None yet

 

 

 

[spoiler=Ryuichi Shinoyama]

[spoiler=Deck: Weapons Deck]

Monsters:

 

1x Blowback Dragon

1x Spikebot

1x Flint Lock

1x Gradius

1x Rocket Jumper

 

Spells:

 

1x Flint

1x Mass Driver

1x Reload

 

Traps:

 

1x Draining Shield

1x Interdimensional Matter Transporter

 

Extra Deck:

-

 

 

 

 

[spoiler=Ayame Yano]

[spoiler=Deck: Fairy Deck]None yet

 

 

 

[spoiler=Saori Isawa]

[spoiler=Deck: Harpie Deck]None yet

 

 

 

[spoiler=Tetsuo Hagiwara]

[spoiler=Deck: Knights Deck]None yet

 

 

 

[spoiler=Tetsuya Hagiwara]

[spoiler=Deck: Swordsmen Deck]

Monsters:

 

1x Gearfried, the Iron Knight

1x Neo, the Magic Swordsman

1x Blade Knight

1x Obnoxious Celtic Guard

1x Swordsman of Landstar

 

Spells:

 

1x Block Attack

1x Legendary Sword

1x Sogen

 

Traps:

 

1x Draining Shield

1x Sakuretsu Armor

 

Extra Deck:

-

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Story

Okay, NOW it begins. Since it's called 'Postmortem'(just one word, really, it is), it has to do with death, right?

[spoiler=[b]Season 1[/b]]

[spoiler=[b]Chapter 1: Adventure Begins! Shadows Appear![/b]]

Yeah! Duel! Now Summon: "Chaos Emperor Dragon - Envoy of the End". Activate Effect! Yeah! Crush him!!!!!! I won.

I woke up suddenly.

Kansuke: "What!? What happened?... Oh, it was just a dream."

What a bland, crappy dream. You just win a game? Wow, that's boring.

It was a beautiful Sunday morning. I woke up suddenly, because I had a really sweet dream and a nightmare at the same time. I was dreaming about a great Duel with an evil guy. I don't know who is he, but the good part was that I was winning.

How does this make sense? He has a nice, crappy dream? That's ridiculous.

Hi! My name is Kansuke Pitsura. I'm a young duelist with big dreams. I'm a simple guy though; not many people know me and I don't have many friends. I like to spend my time alone and I'm a really lazy guy. I like to relax and maybe even take a nap when I'm not disturbed.

Ok...it's time to get some sleep.

Weird name. Sorry if that's an insult, but it's a very odd name to most people. Is he some sort of foreigner? Because he SHOULD be, with that name. So we get a VERY basic bio from himself, but we don't know what he looks like, OR if he's even a human! Wait... he's a living rock. That's why he doesn't have friends; he's too creepy.

[spoiler=[b]Meanwhile[/b]] Ayame's house.

Why do we need a spoiler for this conversation? It's as if this spoiler should say; "Warning. Plot or ending details inside." I seriously don't get it.

Ayame is thinking about something and doesn't listen to Saiko's words.

WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?! You just throw them at us without properly introducing them?! Okay, so let's meet the living couch and the lemur and get it over with.

Lemur: "Hey! Are you listening to me?"

Of course not. You're a lemur speaking in script format. NOBODY listens to script format.

Couch (Depressive): "Sorry...I'm just wondering what is he doing, that's all."

Buck up, kid. NOBODY likes a depressed COUCH.

Lemur: "Rock, right?"

This is the 'stalker/lover' character, right? Why else would sh ebe like that, wondering about that 'Kansuke' guy.

Couch (Depressive): "Yeah..."

This just cements that fact.

Lemur: "Well, maybe he's sleeping, like always."

Okay, just please stop.

Couch (Still depressive): "Yeah... I guess you're right."

I hate their guts already.

 

 

 

Rock's House.

Kojiro: "Hey! Rock! Wake up!"

Ew! More script format! So now the next guy's a cotton ball...

Ryuichi: "Yeah! Wake up man!"

... and this guy's a torpedo with no grammar habits...

I woke up and I heard that someone is calling me. Actually Cotton Yamamoto and Torpedo Shinoyama are calling for me. They are my friends I think, because we spend a lot of time together. Well, anyway, I opened the window:

... and they're BOTH friends with a ROCK.

Rock: "Huh?! Oh, hi guys! What's up?"

Torpedo: "Man, what took you so long??? You're always so lazy???"

Woah, so much inquisitiveness, that torpedo! Ha-ha. Besides, you don't even need quotation marks in script format, even when IT DIDN'T BEGIN THIS WAY.

Rock (Smiling): "Well, I guess I am. Ha-ha-ha!"

Torpedo (Bored): "Oh man..."

Rock: "So, what are you guys doing so early in the morning?"

Torpedo (Nervous): "What??? You..."

Cotton: "Calm down Torpedo! Hey Rock! Let's go. It's time to get some serious training."

Rock: "Ok! Just a second..."

I dressed up quickly, took my Duel Disk and I was ready to go and have some fun, training at the same time.

Just more grammatical errors and format errors here. This story can't decide if it's a script or not...

Just before I leave the house...:

Rock's Mom: "Don't get in trouble Rock! And don't be late for dinner!"

Rock: "Yeah Mom, I know... <>"

I get outside...:

Torpedo (Nervous): "What took you so long???"

Rock: "<> Well... You know. Traffic..."

Torpedo (Angry): "Traffic...??? You cannot find a better reason? You...."

Cotton: "That's enough!!! We don't have time to lose. Let's go!"

So far, this is incredibly boring and bland. And they live in 'Blob Land' apparently, since there aren't any buildings, trees, or any decorative items. around here. If you want to write a good first-person story, I'd suggest going to a bookstore and asking them if they have any books by Darren Shan. He's made two children's horror series(not very scary, just exciting and awesome. This also cements my young age), both written completely in first-person. Try them and use your newfound knowledge to make this better and not a script!!

[spoiler=[b]Meanwhile[/b]]

Two hidden shadows are watching the scene...

Shadow1 (Evil voice): "Yeah... We've finally found him..."

Shadow2 (Evil laugh): "The ultimate weapon..."

Shadow1 (Evil voice with echo): "The Spark...."

 

That's lame. So this kid's got magic powers inside? Doy...

 

We're walking down the street, heading somewhere...

Rock: "So! Where are we going today?"

Cotton: "I chose the park for today's training. Is that fine with you?"

Rock: "Yeah, it's cool."

Torpedo (Happy): "We're going to Duel!!!"

But suddenly two shadows appeared in front of us.

What park? What street? They live in BLOB TOWN!! And the shadow guys are lame and improbable. So even in the direct rays of the sun, they're STILL too dark to see? Nonsense! Shadow1 is now G.I. Joe and Shadow2 is now Sonic the Hedgehog(the crappy one, from all the 3-D games, like "Sonic and the Black Knight", or the were-hog thing. The early one was cool).

G.I. Joe: "Not so fast..."

Sonic the Hedgehog: "You're not going anywhere."

Rock: "What do you mean?"

You're not goin' anywhere! With Sonic's super-speed and Joe's knowledge of weaponry and war training, you're dead if you try to leave...

G.I. Joe: "You're not going anywhere until you Duel us!"

Boy, if he left, they'd annoy him SO much... but that's about it.

Rock (Confused): "Who??? Me???"

G.I. Joe (Ironic): "No, my grandma..."

Oh, Joe. You and your humor that nobody likes.

Rock (Silly face): "Oh, sorry. I though..."

Wow. This kid's an idiot. These dudes could kill him and he's smiling and carrying on? He's dumb. Just dumb.

Sonic the Hedgehog (Angry): "Of course it's you, you little..."

Woah woah woah, Sonic. Slow down, he's just a stupid rock. He'll get what's comin' to 'im.

Cotton: "Who are you guys anyway?"

G.I. Joe: "My name is Tetsuo Hagiwara..."

Sonic the Hedgehog: "... And mine is Tetsuya Hagiwara!"

Joe & Sonic : "We are brothers! And we are known as "The Perfect Hagiwara Duo". Ha-ha-ha! You have no chance against us!"

Liars. Sonic+G.I. Joe= Invincible Cartoon Duo.

Cotton: "Whatever... Prepare to Duel!"

Sonic the Hedgehog: "No, no no. We want him."

Tetsuo is pointing on me.

Pointing ON you? Then push'm off!

Cotton: "If you want him, you must beat me first!"

Torpedo: "<> Not so fast! This time you Duel me!"

It's like they keep looking at one guy, then looking at the guy who just opened his mouth, then repeating the process until their heads begin spinning... JUST PICK A GUY AND BE DONE WITH IT!! And I guess we'll soon see why this guy thinks his friends think he's worthless... because he is.

Rock: "<>"

Cotton: "What?!"

Torpedo: "That's right! I'll Duel '!"

Cotton: "But Torpedo..."

Torpedo: "It's ok Cotton. I always stand back and watch you guys. Now it's your turn to watch and my turn to shine."

G.I. Joe: "Allright! I'll Duel you!"

Torpedo: "Let's go!"

That hunk of text above = useless.

[spoiler=[b]Meanwhile[/b]]

Couch's house.

STOP DOING THIS!!

Couch (Depressive): "I can't wait anymore... I want to see him..."

Gosh, this couch's Hinata, Mr. Guy With Kakashi Avatar. Break away from Naruto and make new people! Or, she's like a girl from this chapter of a manga...

Lemur: "Relax! Tomorrow is Monday. You can see him at school."

Couch (Still depressive): "Yeah, I know... But so much time without him..."

SHUT UP, jabroni-COUCH! *slaps*

 

 

 

Torpedo: "It's time to start the Duel!"

Sonic the Hedgehog: "You can start it, because I'll finish it!"

Cotton: "Hey, Torpedo! Kick his butt man! Good luck!"

Torpedo: "Thanks! I think I'll need it..."

Cotton: "Torpedo..."

Torpedo: "Huh?!..."

Cotton: "Good luck."

JUST DUEL ALREADY AND STOP REPEATING YOURSELF!!

Torpedo (Smiling): "<>"

Torpedo & Sonic the Hedgehog: "Let's Duel!!!"

[spoiler=[size=medium]Duel]

(Torpedo=8000 LP) (Sonic the Hedgehog=8000 LP)

Torpedo: "Ok! My turn. Draw!... Sweet. I'll Set two cards face-down. Now I activate "Reload" from my hand."

Torpedo shuffles his hand into his Deck and Draws the same amount of cards.

Torpedo: "I Summon "Flint Lock" (1500 / 800) and I activate "Flint". I'll equip my "Flint" card to my "Flint Lock" monster on my field. Now "Flint Lock" cannot be destroyed by battle and is unaffected by "Flint" card's effect."

Rock: "Yeah! That's the way you do it!"

Torpedo: "That's right. Ok, I'll end my turn."

I like how your torpedo uses Flint Lock instead of something better.

(Torpedo=8000 LP) (Sonic the Hedgehog=8000 LP)

Sonic the Hedgehog: "Ok. My turn. Draw. I Set 1 card and 1 Monster face-down Defense Position. That's all."

Please stop showing the LP every turn exchange. Just show us when the score changes.

(Torpedo=8000 LP) (Sonic the Hedgehog=8000 LP)

Torpedo: "<> Well, my turn. Draw! <> Ok! I'll Summon "Rocket Jumper" (1000 / 800). Now, "Rocket Jumper" attack directly. (Sonic the Hedgehog: -1000 LP)"

Sonic the Hedgehog: "Huh... Looser!"

Hm? What's loose in this duel? A shoelace? A plot?

Torpedo: "Yeah, whatever. "Flint Lock" attack!"

Sonic the Hedgehog: "I activate my face-down card: "Sakuretsu Armor"! Your "Flint Lock" is history!"

Sonic the Hedgehog's card destroyed Torpedo's "Flint Lock" and "Flint" card was equipped to "Rocket Jumper" (ATK: 1000-300), because it was the only face-up monster at that time.

Torpedo: "Fine. I'll end my turn... <>"

OH NO!! HE'S SCREWED!!

(Torpedo=8000 LP) (Sonic the Hedgehog=7000 LP)

Sonic: "Draw. I Summon "Obnoxious Celtic Guard" (1400 / 1200). I also equip "Legendary Sword" to my "Obnoxious Celtic Guard" (ATK: 1400+300; DEF:1200+300). Flip Summon: "Swordsman of Landstar" (500 / 1200). Celtic G. attack his Junk."

WHO CAN HONESTLY SAY THEY USE SWORDSMAN OF LANDSTAR?!?! *two hands are raised* WELL, YOU TWO CAN GO TO HELL!!

Ryuichi's "Rocket Jumper" was destroyed. (Ryuichi: -1000 LP)

Torpedo: "Ok. Then I choose to equip "Flint" to your "Swordsman of Landstar" (ATK: 500-300)."

Sonic the Hedgehog: "Whatever. I end my turn."

(Torpedo=7000 LP) (Sonic the Hedgehog=7000 LP)

Torpedo: "Ok. Then I'll Draw! I'll Set 1 card face-down. Then I Summon "Gradius" (1200 / 800). Now "Gradius" attack his Swordsman."

This rocket deck is teh suckzors.

Sonic the Hedgehog: "Not so fast! I activate "Draining Shield". Your attack is ended and my LP are increased. Ha-ha-ha! (Sonic the Hedgehog: +1200 LP)"

Torpedo: "<>. I'll end my turn."

(Torpedo=7000 LP) (Sonic the Hedgehog=8200 LP)

Sonic the Hedgehog: "Fine! My turn. Draw! Celtic G. attack!"

Torpedo: "I activate my Trap Card: "Interdimensional Matter Transporter". My "Gradius is removed from play until the end of the turn. But that's not all; your attack lost it's target so it's negated. Ha-ha-ha!"

Sonic the Hedgehog: "It doesn't matter. You're finished anyway. End of my turn."

(Torpedo=7000 LP) (Sonic the Hedgehog=8200 LP)

Torpedo: "Allright! My "Gradius" is back! Now Draw! I Release my "Gradius" to Advance Summon "Blowback Dragon". I activate the effect of my Dragon; Here's the coin. First flip....: It's Heads. Second flip.....: It's Tails."

At least it doesn't COMPLETELY suck.

Sonic the Hedgehog: "And third will be Tails too!"

Torpedo: "And third flip...: <> Yeah! It's Heads! Your Celtic G., by the way: it's a stupid name, is destroyed!"

'Blowby'?! What kind of nickname is that?! Does he tuck it in at night, too?

Sonic the Hedgehog: "You are stupid for calling my card stupid."

How stupid is this stupid sentence? These bad guys are about as bad as... well, G.I. Joe and Sonic. They suck at being evil.

Torpedo: "Whatever... Now "Blowback Dragon" attack his Swordsman (Tetsuya: -2000 LP)."

Sonic the Hedgehog: "Go Ryuichi! Go!"

Torpedo: "Thanks!"

Sonic the Hedgehog: "Yeah. But now your stupid Dragon is equipped with "Flint"."

Torpedo: "You should care about you, not about my Dragon. I end my turn."

This is turning into a game of 'Pass the Flint'.

(Torpedo=7000 LP) (Sonic the Hedgehog=6200 LP)

Sonic the Hedgehog: "I think you should watch for yourself. My turn. Draw. I Summon "Gearfried, the Iron Knight" (1800 / 1600)! I also activate "Block Attack". Your "Blowback Dragon" is changed to Defense Position."

Cotton (Worried): "It's not good..."

It is not good...

Rock: "What do you mean?"

Cotton: "Look at the field Kansuke."

Rock: "Damn! You're right..."

Sonic the Hedgehog: "Gearfried attack his worthless Dragon!"

Cotton: "You see. Now "Flint" should be equipped to Gearfried, but his effect destroys the card. This way Sonic the Hedgehog don't have to be afraid about "Flint anymore."

Rock (Worried): "Yeah. You're right. I see now..."

Sonic the Hedgehog: "It's your turn now."

(Torpedo=7000 LP) (Sonic the Hedgehog=6200 LP)

Torpedo: "<> Ok. Draw! I activate "Mass Driver" and end my turn."

Dude, grow up.

(Torpedo=7000 LP) (Sonic the Hedgehog=6200 LP)

Sonic the Hegdehog: "Draw. I summon "Neo , the Magic Swordsman". Gerafried attack (Torpedo: -1800 LP), Neo you too (Torpedo: -1700 LP). That's for now."

(Torpedo=3500 LP) (Sonic the Hedgehog=6200 LP)

Torpedo: "My turn. Draw! <> I Set 1 card. That's all"

Oh, I bet he drew JUST the card he needed! How delightful!

(Torpedo=3500 LP) (Sonic the Hedgehog=6200 LP)

Rock: "C'mon Torpedo! Fight! You can beat him!"

Cotton: "It's worthless Rock. I shouldn't let him do this. He's not an opponent for this guys..."

So what now, Cotton? You're Torpedo's nanny? Why should you control who he has a non-life-threatening card game with?

Rock: "What do you mean?"

Cotton: "<> This guys are not ordinary duelists. But I don't think they're on their own. Someone else is the head of all this thing."

No, you just SUCK. WHO USES SWORDSMAN OF LANDSTAR?!

Sonic the Hedgehog: "I guess it's my turn. Draw a card and... I activate "Sogen" (All Warrior-Type monsters - ATK: +200; DEF: +200). Gearfried attack!"

That card makes him EVEN MORE LAME.

Torpedo: "Not so fast! I activate "Draining Shield" (Ryuichi: +2000 LP)."

Sonic the Hedgehog: "So, you have one too. It doesn't matter. Neo attack! (Torpedo: -1700 LP) I end my turn."

(Torpedo=3800 LP) (Sonic the Hedgehog=6200 LP)

Torpedo: "<> Draw! <> I'll end my turn..."

WHY DO THEY HAVE SUCH SUCKY CARDS?! NO WONDER I MADE THIS GUY A TORPEDO.

(Torpedo=3800 LP) (Sonic the Hedgehog=6200 LP)

Rock (Worried): "<>"

Sonic the Hedgehog: "Draw a card. I'll Summon "Blade Knight" (1600 / 1000) ("Sogen" activates - ATK: +200; DEF: +200). Then I Set 1 card face-down. now, because I have only one card in my hand, my Knight's effect activates and he gains 400 ATK points (ATK: 1800+400). Neo attack! (Torpedo: -1700) Gearfried attack! (Torpedo: -2000 LP) "Blade Knight" attack! (Torpedo: -2200 LP) It's over!"

(Torpedo=0 LP) (Sonic the Hedgehog=6200 LP)

At least the torpedo lost~ Also notice how they said "Attack!" but we never saw HOW they attacked or their reactions...

End of Duel

 

 

 

 

Torpedo: "<>"

Rock (In silence): "Ryuichi... No..."

Cotton: "<>"

G.I. Joe (Evil voice&laugh): "Your up next Kansuke! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!"

*The G.I. Joe theme song hauntingly plays in the background*

Dude, get over it. It's just a card game.

"I just... lost a children's card game..."

"SOMEBODY CALL AN AMBULANCE!!"

 

To Be Continued...

 

 

[spoiler=[b]Chapter 2]

Coming soon...

 

 

 

Basically... it's a story about random people doing random stuff with evil guys. How do they know that Rock has super powers? Why is Torpedo such an idiot? Why is Couch a stalker? In fact, why is she even IN this chapter? Your plot is loose, your characters are looser, and everybody in this chapter is a loser. Fix your grammar, stop using script format, make people make sense, and fix the decks. There's no excuse to use Landstar or Spikebot. AND TAKE AWAY THE STUPID STALKER SIDEPLOT!!

 

And all name changes are due to no description. Just because you describe people in bios doesn't mean you're off the hook.

[Ookami Moriyama]

Well' date=' hello, it's time for Weather Report.

The story begins!...

Okay, then... no, it doesn't begin yet. We have a CHARACTER LIST.

[spoiler=Characters]

[spoiler=Kansuke Pitsura]

Name: Kansuke Pitsura

Age: 17

Appearances: spiky dark hair, dark eyes, wears a black T-shirt and a pair of black jeans

Bio: Kansuke is a lazy, but very smart guy. He is almost always alone, and he doesn't have many friends. He likes to spend his time alone, relax, take a nap maybe. However, when it's time to duel, he doesn't back of. He is always prepared for anything and always finds a strategy for anything.

 

 

[spoiler=Kojiro Yamamoto]

Name: Kojiro Yamamoto

Age: 17

Appearances: long dark hair, dark eyes, wears a black shirt, and black jeans

Bio: Kojiro is actually Kansuke's best friend, but he doesn't know yet. His personality is very similar to Kansuke's. They are like twins. Kojiro likes to spend his time alone, is a smart guy, but he likes to relax, and he is always ready for any challenge.

 

 

[spoiler=Ryuichi Shinoyama]

Name: Ryuichi Shinoyama

Age: 16

Appearances: spiky blond hair, blue eyes, wears a blue T-shirt and blue jeans

Bio: Ryuichi likes to hang out with Kansuke and Kojiro. They are like a guide for him. He is always full of energy, and talks a bit to much. It's good that Kojro is always around to stop him saying something wrong, or just stop him.

 

 

[spoiler=Ayame Yano]

Name: Ayame Yano

Age:16

Appearances: long blue hair, blue eyes, wears a beautiful blue dress

Bio: Ayame is always thinking about something, or at last it seems so. She loves Kansuke, but she speaks about this only with her best friend Saori. Kansuke doesn't know about Ayame's feelings, and he is not trying to talk to her.

 

 

[spoiler=Saori Isawa]

Name: Saori Isawa

Age: 17

Appearances: short brown hair, brown eyes, wears a blue shirt and a black skirt

Bio: Saori Isawa is a rebel schoolgirl, that likes to party all the time. She is bored all the time. She is also Ayame's best friend. Always supports her, and they spend a lot of time together.

 

 

[spoiler=Tetsuo Hagiwara]

Name: Tetsuo Hagiwara

Age: 19

Appearances: brown hair, dark eyes, wears a black mask on his face, a grey T-shirt and black jeans.

Bio: Tetsuo is Tetsuya's older brother. He likes to give orders. He is a really bad guy, and has an evil aura. He always is in search of power, and crushes everything in it's way.

 

 

[spoiler=Tetsuya Hagiwara]

Name: Tetsuya Hagiwara

Age: 18

Appearances: brown hair, green eyes, wears a black hat and a black mask on his face, a blue T-shirt, and black jeans.

Bio: Tetsuya is Tetsuo's younger brother. He doesn't like following orders, but he must follow his older brother's orders. Hi's not so evil like his brother, but evil enough to help Tetsuo to accomplish his plans.

 

 

 

 

*WHEW* It's over. NOW THE ADVENTURE BEGI--no, DECK LISTS.

[spoiler=Decks]

[spoiler=Kansuke Pitsura]

[spoiler=Deck1: Main Deck]None yet

 

[spoiler=Deck2: Dinosaur Deck]None yet

 

[spoiler=Deck3: Dragon Deck]None yet

 

 

 

[spoiler=Kojiro Yamamoto]

[spoiler=Deck1: Zombie Deck]None yet

 

[spoiler=Deck2: Dark Ruler Deck]None yet

 

 

 

[spoiler=Ryuichi Shinoyama]

[spoiler=Deck: Weapons Deck]

Monsters:

 

1x Blowback Dragon

1x Spikebot

1x Flint Lock

1x Gradius

1x Rocket Jumper

 

Spells:

 

1x Flint

1x Mass Driver

1x Reload

 

Traps:

 

1x Draining Shield

1x Interdimensional Matter Transporter

 

Extra Deck:

-

 

 

 

 

[spoiler=Ayame Yano]

[spoiler=Deck: Fairy Deck]None yet

 

 

 

[spoiler=Saori Isawa]

[spoiler=Deck: Harpie Deck]None yet

 

 

 

[spoiler=Tetsuo Hagiwara]

[spoiler=Deck: Knights Deck]None yet

 

 

 

[spoiler=Tetsuya Hagiwara]

[spoiler=Deck: Swordsmen Deck]

Monsters:

 

1x Gearfried, the Iron Knight

1x Neo, the Magic Swordsman

1x Blade Knight

1x Obnoxious Celtic Guard

1x Swordsman of Landstar

 

Spells:

 

1x Block Attack

1x Legendary Sword

1x Sogen

 

Traps:

 

1x Draining Shield

1x Sakuretsu Armor

 

Extra Deck:

-

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Story

Okay, NOW it begins. Since it's called 'Postmortem'(just one word, really, it is), it has to do with death, right?

[spoiler=[b]Season 1[/b]]

[spoiler=[b]Chapter 1: Adventure Begins! Shadows Appear![/b]]

Yeah! Duel! Now Summon: "Chaos Emperor Dragon - Envoy of the End". Activate Effect! Yeah! Crush him!!!!!! I won.

I woke up suddenly.

Kansuke: "What!? What happened?... Oh, it was just a dream."

What a bland, crappy dream. You just win a game? Wow, that's boring.

It was a beautiful Sunday morning. I woke up suddenly, because I had a really sweet dream and a nightmare at the same time. I was dreaming about a great Duel with an evil guy. I don't know who is he, but the good part was that I was winning.

How does this make sense? He has a nice, crappy dream? That's ridiculous.

Hi! My name is Kansuke Pitsura. I'm a young duelist with big dreams. I'm a simple guy though; not many people know me and I don't have many friends. I like to spend my time alone and I'm a really lazy guy. I like to relax and maybe even take a nap when I'm not disturbed.

Ok...it's time to get some sleep.

Weird name. Sorry if that's an insult, but it's a very odd name to most people. Is he some sort of foreigner? Because he SHOULD be, with that name. So we get a VERY basic bio from himself, but we don't know what he looks like, OR if he's even a human! Wait... he's a living rock. That's why he doesn't have friends; he's too creepy.

[spoiler=[b]Meanwhile[/b]] Ayame's house.

Why do we need a spoiler for this conversation? It's as if this spoiler should say; "Warning. Plot or ending details inside." I seriously don't get it.

Ayame is thinking about something and doesn't listen to Saiko's words.

WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?! You just throw them at us without properly introducing them?! Okay, so let's meet the living couch and the lemur and get it over with.

Lemur: "Hey! Are you listening to me?"

Of course not. You're a lemur speaking in script format. NOBODY listens to script format.

Couch (Depressive): "Sorry...I'm just wondering what is he doing, that's all."

Buck up, kid. NOBODY likes a depressed COUCH.

Lemur: "Rock, right?"

This is the 'stalker/lover' character, right? Why else would sh ebe like that, wondering about that 'Kansuke' guy.

Couch (Depressive): "Yeah..."

This just cements that fact.

Lemur: "Well, maybe he's sleeping, like always."

Okay, just please stop.

Couch (Still depressive): "Yeah... I guess you're right."

I hate their guts already.

 

 

 

Rock's House.

Kojiro: "Hey! Rock! Wake up!"

Ew! More script format! So now the next guy's a cotton ball...

Ryuichi: "Yeah! Wake up man!"

... and this guy's a torpedo with no grammar habits...

I woke up and I heard that someone is calling me. Actually Cotton Yamamoto and Torpedo Shinoyama are calling for me. They are my friends I think, because we spend a lot of time together. Well, anyway, I opened the window:

... and they're BOTH friends with a ROCK.

Rock: "Huh?! Oh, hi guys! What's up?"

Torpedo: "Man, what took you so long??? You're always so lazy???"

Woah, so much inquisitiveness, that torpedo! Ha-ha. Besides, you don't even need quotation marks in script format, even when IT DIDN'T BEGIN THIS WAY.

Rock (Smiling): "Well, I guess I am. Ha-ha-ha!"

Torpedo (Bored): "Oh man..."

Rock: "So, what are you guys doing so early in the morning?"

Torpedo (Nervous): "What??? You..."

Cotton: "Calm down Torpedo! Hey Rock! Let's go. It's time to get some serious training."

Rock: "Ok! Just a second..."

I dressed up quickly, took my Duel Disk and I was ready to go and have some fun, training at the same time.

Just more grammatical errors and format errors here. This story can't decide if it's a script or not...

Just before I leave the house...:

Rock's Mom: "Don't get in trouble Rock! And don't be late for dinner!"

Rock: "Yeah Mom, I know... <>"

I get outside...:

Torpedo (Nervous): "What took you so long???"

Rock: "<> Well... You know. Traffic..."

Torpedo (Angry): "Traffic...??? You cannot find a better reason? You...."

Cotton: "That's enough!!! We don't have time to lose. Let's go!"

So far, this is incredibly boring and bland. And they live in 'Blob Land' apparently, since there aren't any buildings, trees, or any decorative items. around here. If you want to write a good first-person story, I'd suggest going to a bookstore and asking them if they have any books by Darren Shan. He's made two children's horror series(not very scary, just exciting and awesome. This also cements my young age), both written completely in first-person. Try them and use your newfound knowledge to make this better and not a script!!

[spoiler=[b]Meanwhile[/b]]

Two hidden shadows are watching the scene...

Shadow1 (Evil voice): "Yeah... We've finally found him..."

Shadow2 (Evil laugh): "The ultimate weapon..."

Shadow1 (Evil voice with echo): "The Spark...."

 

That's lame. So this kid's got magic powers inside? Doy...

 

We're walking down the street, heading somewhere...

Rock: "So! Where are we going today?"

Cotton: "I chose the park for today's training. Is that fine with you?"

Rock: "Yeah, it's cool."

Torpedo (Happy): "We're going to Duel!!!"

But suddenly two shadows appeared in front of us.

What park? What street? They live in BLOB TOWN!! And the shadow guys are lame and improbable. So even in the direct rays of the sun, they're STILL too dark to see? Nonsense! Shadow1 is now G.I. Joe and Shadow2 is now Sonic the Hedgehog(the crappy one, from all the 3-D games, like "Sonic and the Black Knight", or the were-hog thing. The early one was cool).

G.I. Joe: "Not so fast..."

Sonic the Hedgehog: "You're not going anywhere."

Rock: "What do you mean?"

You're not goin' anywhere! With Sonic's super-speed and Joe's knowledge of weaponry and war training, you're dead if you try to leave...

G.I. Joe: "You're not going anywhere until you Duel us!"

Boy, if he left, they'd annoy him SO much... but that's about it.

Rock (Confused): "Who??? Me???"

G.I. Joe (Ironic): "No, my grandma..."

Oh, Joe. You and your humor that nobody likes.

Rock (Silly face): "Oh, sorry. I though..."

Wow. This kid's an idiot. These dudes could kill him and he's smiling and carrying on? He's dumb. Just dumb.

Sonic the Hedgehog (Angry): "Of course it's you, you little..."

Woah woah woah, Sonic. Slow down, he's just a stupid rock. He'll get what's comin' to 'im.

Cotton: "Who are you guys anyway?"

G.I. Joe: "My name is Tetsuo Hagiwara..."

Sonic the Hedgehog: "... And mine is Tetsuya Hagiwara!"

Joe & Sonic : "We are brothers! And we are known as "The Perfect Hagiwara Duo". Ha-ha-ha! You have no chance against us!"

Liars. Sonic+G.I. Joe= Invincible Cartoon Duo.

Cotton: "Whatever... Prepare to Duel!"

Sonic the Hedgehog: "No, no no. We want him."

Tetsuo is pointing on me.

Pointing ON you? Then push'm off!

Cotton: "If you want him, you must beat me first!"

Torpedo: "<> Not so fast! This time you Duel me!"

It's like they keep looking at one guy, then looking at the guy who just opened his mouth, then repeating the process until their heads begin spinning... JUST PICK A GUY AND BE DONE WITH IT!! And I guess we'll soon see why this guy thinks his friends think he's worthless... because he is.

Rock: "<>"

Cotton: "What?!"

Torpedo: "That's right! I'll Duel '!"

Cotton: "But Torpedo..."

Torpedo: "It's ok Cotton. I always stand back and watch you guys. Now it's your turn to watch and my turn to shine."

G.I. Joe: "Allright! I'll Duel you!"

Torpedo: "Let's go!"

That hunk of text above = useless.

[spoiler=[b]Meanwhile[/b]]

Couch's house.

STOP DOING THIS!!

Couch (Depressive): "I can't wait anymore... I want to see him..."

Gosh, this couch's Hinata, Mr. Guy With Kakashi Avatar. Break away from Naruto and make new people! Or, she's like a girl from this chapter of a manga...

Lemur: "Relax! Tomorrow is Monday. You can see him at school."

Couch (Still depressive): "Yeah, I know... But so much time without him..."

SHUT UP, b****-COUCH! *slaps*

 

 

 

Torpedo: "It's time to start the Duel!"

Sonic the Hedgehog: "You can start it, because I'll finish it!"

Cotton: "Hey, Torpedo! Kick his butt man! Good luck!"

Torpedo: "Thanks! I think I'll need it..."

Cotton: "Torpedo..."

Torpedo: "Huh?!..."

Cotton: "Good luck."

JUST DUEL ALREADY AND STOP REPEATING YOURSELF!!

Torpedo (Smiling): "<>"

Torpedo & Sonic the Hedgehog: "Let's Duel!!!"

[spoiler=[size=medium]Duel]

(Torpedo=8000 LP) (Sonic the Hedgehog=8000 LP)

Torpedo: "Ok! My turn. Draw!... Sweet. I'll Set two cards face-down. Now I activate "Reload" from my hand."

Torpedo shuffles his hand into his Deck and Draws the same amount of cards.

Torpedo: "I Summon "Flint Lock" (1500 / 800) and I activate "Flint". I'll equip my "Flint" card to my "Flint Lock" monster on my field. Now "Flint Lock" cannot be destroyed by battle and is unaffected by "Flint" card's effect."

Rock: "Yeah! That's the way you do it!"

Torpedo: "That's right. Ok, I'll end my turn."

I like how your torpedo uses Flint Lock instead of something better.

(Torpedo=8000 LP) (Sonic the Hedgehog=8000 LP)

Sonic the Hedgehog: "Ok. My turn. Draw. I Set 1 card and 1 Monster face-down Defense Position. That's all."

Please stop showing the LP every turn exchange. Just show us when the score changes.

(Torpedo=8000 LP) (Sonic the Hedgehog=8000 LP)

Torpedo: "<> Well, my turn. Draw! <> Ok! I'll Summon "Rocket Jumper" (1000 / 800). Now, "Rocket Jumper" attack directly. (Sonic the Hedgehog: -1000 LP)"

Sonic the Hedgehog: "Huh... Looser!"

Hm? What's loose in this duel? A shoelace? A plot?

Torpedo: "Yeah, whatever. "Flint Lock" attack!"

Sonic the Hedgehog: "I activate my face-down card: "Sakuretsu Armor"! Your "Flint Lock" is history!"

Sonic the Hedgehog's card destroyed Torpedo's "Flint Lock" and "Flint" card was equipped to "Rocket Jumper" (ATK: 1000-300), because it was the only face-up monster at that time.

Torpedo: "Fine. I'll end my turn... <>"

OH NO!! HE'S SCREWED!!

(Torpedo=8000 LP) (Sonic the Hedgehog=7000 LP)

Sonic: "Draw. I Summon "Obnoxious Celtic Guard" (1400 / 1200). I also equip "Legendary Sword" to my "Obnoxious Celtic Guard" (ATK: 1400+300; DEF:1200+300). Flip Summon: "Swordsman of Landstar" (500 / 1200). Celtic G. attack his Junk."

WHO CAN HONESTLY SAY THEY USE SWORDSMAN OF LANDSTAR?!?! *two hands are raised* WELL, YOU TWO CAN GO TO HELL!!

Ryuichi's "Rocket Jumper" was destroyed. (Ryuichi: -1000 LP)

Torpedo: "Ok. Then I choose to equip "Flint" to your "Swordsman of Landstar" (ATK: 500-300)."

Sonic the Hedgehog: "Whatever. I end my turn."

(Torpedo=7000 LP) (Sonic the Hedgehog=7000 LP)

Torpedo: "Ok. Then I'll Draw! I'll Set 1 card face-down. Then I Summon "Gradius" (1200 / 800). Now "Gradius" attack his Swordsman."

This rocket deck is teh suckzors.

Sonic the Hedgehog: "Not so fast! I activate "Draining Shield". Your attack is ended and my LP are increased. Ha-ha-ha! (Sonic the Hedgehog: +1200 LP)"

Torpedo: "<>. I'll end my turn."

(Torpedo=7000 LP) (Sonic the Hedgehog=8200 LP)

Sonic the Hedgehog: "Fine! My turn. Draw! Celtic G. attack!"

Torpedo: "I activate my Trap Card: "Interdimensional Matter Transporter". My "Gradius is removed from play until the end of the turn. But that's not all; your attack lost it's target so it's negated. Ha-ha-ha!"

Sonic the Hedgehog: "It doesn't matter. You're finished anyway. End of my turn."

(Torpedo=7000 LP) (Sonic the Hedgehog=8200 LP)

Torpedo: "Allright! My "Gradius" is back! Now Draw! I Release my "Gradius" to Advance Summon "Blowback Dragon". I activate the effect of my Dragon; Here's the coin. First flip....: It's Heads. Second flip.....: It's Tails."

At least it doesn't COMPLETELY suck.

Sonic the Hedgehog: "And third will be Tails too!"

Torpedo: "And third flip...: <> Yeah! It's Heads! Your Celtic G., by the way: it's a stupid name, is destroyed!"

'Blowby'?! What kind of nickname is that?! Does he tuck it in at night, too?

Sonic the Hedgehog: "You are stupid for calling my card stupid."

How stupid is this stupid sentence? These bad guys are about as bad as... well, G.I. Joe and Sonic. They suck at being evil.

Torpedo: "Whatever... Now "Blowback Dragon" attack his Swordsman (Tetsuya: -2000 LP)."

Sonic the Hedgehog: "Go Ryuichi! Go!"

Torpedo: "Thanks!"

Sonic the Hedgehog: "Yeah. But now your stupid Dragon is equipped with "Flint"."

Torpedo: "You should care about you, not about my Dragon. I end my turn."

This is turning into a game of 'Pass the Flint'.

(Torpedo=7000 LP) (Sonic the Hedgehog=6200 LP)

Sonic the Hedgehog: "I think you should watch for yourself. My turn. Draw. I Summon "Gearfried, the Iron Knight" (1800 / 1600)! I also activate "Block Attack". Your "Blowback Dragon" is changed to Defense Position."

Cotton (Worried): "It's not good..."

It is not good...

Rock: "What do you mean?"

Cotton: "Look at the field Kansuke."

Rock: "Damn! You're right..."

Sonic the Hedgehog: "Gearfried attack his worthless Dragon!"

Cotton: "You see. Now "Flint" should be equipped to Gearfried, but his effect destroys the card. This way Sonic the Hedgehog don't have to be afraid about "Flint anymore."

Rock (Worried): "Yeah. You're right. I see now..."

Sonic the Hedgehog: "It's your turn now."

(Torpedo=7000 LP) (Sonic the Hedgehog=6200 LP)

Torpedo: "<> Ok. Draw! I activate "Mass Driver" and end my turn."

Dude, grow up.

(Torpedo=7000 LP) (Sonic the Hedgehog=6200 LP)

Sonic the Hegdehog: "Draw. I summon "Neo , the Magic Swordsman". Gerafried attack (Torpedo: -1800 LP), Neo you too (Torpedo: -1700 LP). That's for now."

(Torpedo=3500 LP) (Sonic the Hedgehog=6200 LP)

Torpedo: "My turn. Draw! <> I Set 1 card. That's all"

Oh, I bet he drew JUST the card he needed! How delightful!

(Torpedo=3500 LP) (Sonic the Hedgehog=6200 LP)

Rock: "C'mon Torpedo! Fight! You can beat him!"

Cotton: "It's worthless Rock. I shouldn't let him do this. He's not an opponent for this guys..."

So what now, Cotton? You're Torpedo's nanny? Why should you control who he has a non-life-threatening card game with?

Rock: "What do you mean?"

Cotton: "<> This guys are not ordinary duelists. But I don't think they're on their own. Someone else is the head of all this thing."

No, you just SUCK. WHO USES SWORDSMAN OF LANDSTAR?!

Sonic the Hedgehog: "I guess it's my turn. Draw a card and... I activate "Sogen" (All Warrior-Type monsters - ATK: +200; DEF: +200). Gearfried attack!"

That card makes him EVEN MORE LAME.

Torpedo: "Not so fast! I activate "Draining Shield" (Ryuichi: +2000 LP)."

Sonic the Hedgehog: "So, you have one too. It doesn't matter. Neo attack! (Torpedo: -1700 LP) I end my turn."

(Torpedo=3800 LP) (Sonic the Hedgehog=6200 LP)

Torpedo: "<> Draw! <> I'll end my turn..."

WHY DO THEY HAVE SUCH SUCKY CARDS?! NO WONDER I MADE THIS GUY A TORPEDO.

(Torpedo=3800 LP) (Sonic the Hedgehog=6200 LP)

Rock (Worried): "<>"

Sonic the Hedgehog: "Draw a card. I'll Summon "Blade Knight" (1600 / 1000) ("Sogen" activates - ATK: +200; DEF: +200). Then I Set 1 card face-down. now, because I have only one card in my hand, my Knight's effect activates and he gains 400 ATK points (ATK: 1800+400). Neo attack! (Torpedo: -1700) Gearfried attack! (Torpedo: -2000 LP) "Blade Knight" attack! (Torpedo: -2200 LP) It's over!"

(Torpedo=0 LP) (Sonic the Hedgehog=6200 LP)

At least the torpedo lost~ Also notice how they said "Attack!" but we never saw HOW they attacked or their reactions...

End of Duel

 

 

 

 

Torpedo: "<>"

Rock (In silence): "Ryuichi... No..."

Cotton: "<>"

G.I. Joe (Evil voice&laugh): "Your up next Kansuke! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!"

*The G.I. Joe theme song hauntingly plays in the background*

Dude, get over it. It's just a card game.

"I just... lost a children's card game..."

"SOMEBODY CALL AN AMBULANCE!!"

 

To Be Continued...

 

 

[spoiler=[b]Chapter 2]

Coming soon...

 

 

 

Basically... it's a story about random people doing random stuff with evil guys. How do they know that Rock has super powers? Why is Torpedo such an idiot? Why is Couch a stalker? In fact, why is she even IN this chapter? Your plot is loose, your characters are looser, and everybody in this chapter is a loser. Fix your grammar, stop using script format, make people make sense, and fix the decks. There's no excuse to use Landstar or Spikebot. AND TAKE AWAY THE STUPID STALKER SIDEPLOT!!

 

And all name changes are due to no description. Just because you describe people in bios doesn't mean you're off the hook.

 

yeah...

 

whatever... -_-

 

shoot yourself

 

I'm out

 

see ya....

[wizarddeath405]

hi hi hi hi hi hi

[Weather Report - Stand]

Well' date=' hello, it's time for Weather Report.

The story begins!...

Okay, then... no, it doesn't begin yet. We have a CHARACTER LIST.

[spoiler=Characters]

[spoiler=Kansuke Pitsura]

Name: Kansuke Pitsura

Age: 17

Appearances: spiky dark hair, dark eyes, wears a black T-shirt and a pair of black jeans

Bio: Kansuke is a lazy, but very smart guy. He is almost always alone, and he doesn't have many friends. He likes to spend his time alone, relax, take a nap maybe. However, when it's time to duel, he doesn't back of. He is always prepared for anything and always finds a strategy for anything.

 

 

[spoiler=Kojiro Yamamoto]

Name: Kojiro Yamamoto

Age: 17

Appearances: long dark hair, dark eyes, wears a black shirt, and black jeans

Bio: Kojiro is actually Kansuke's best friend, but he doesn't know yet. His personality is very similar to Kansuke's. They are like twins. Kojiro likes to spend his time alone, is a smart guy, but he likes to relax, and he is always ready for any challenge.

 

 

[spoiler=Ryuichi Shinoyama]

Name: Ryuichi Shinoyama

Age: 16

Appearances: spiky blond hair, blue eyes, wears a blue T-shirt and blue jeans

Bio: Ryuichi likes to hang out with Kansuke and Kojiro. They are like a guide for him. He is always full of energy, and talks a bit to much. It's good that Kojro is always around to stop him saying something wrong, or just stop him.

 

 

[spoiler=Ayame Yano]

Name: Ayame Yano

Age:16

Appearances: long blue hair, blue eyes, wears a beautiful blue dress

Bio: Ayame is always thinking about something, or at last it seems so. She loves Kansuke, but she speaks about this only with her best friend Saori. Kansuke doesn't know about Ayame's feelings, and he is not trying to talk to her.

 

 

[spoiler=Saori Isawa]

Name: Saori Isawa

Age: 17

Appearances: short brown hair, brown eyes, wears a blue shirt and a black skirt

Bio: Saori Isawa is a rebel schoolgirl, that likes to party all the time. She is bored all the time. She is also Ayame's best friend. Always supports her, and they spend a lot of time together.

 

 

[spoiler=Tetsuo Hagiwara]

Name: Tetsuo Hagiwara

Age: 19

Appearances: brown hair, dark eyes, wears a black mask on his face, a grey T-shirt and black jeans.

Bio: Tetsuo is Tetsuya's older brother. He likes to give orders. He is a really bad guy, and has an evil aura. He always is in search of power, and crushes everything in it's way.

 

 

[spoiler=Tetsuya Hagiwara]

Name: Tetsuya Hagiwara

Age: 18

Appearances: brown hair, green eyes, wears a black hat and a black mask on his face, a blue T-shirt, and black jeans.

Bio: Tetsuya is Tetsuo's younger brother. He doesn't like following orders, but he must follow his older brother's orders. Hi's not so evil like his brother, but evil enough to help Tetsuo to accomplish his plans.

 

 

 

 

*WHEW* It's over. NOW THE ADVENTURE BEGI--no, DECK LISTS.

[spoiler=Decks]

[spoiler=Kansuke Pitsura]

[spoiler=Deck1: Main Deck]None yet

 

[spoiler=Deck2: Dinosaur Deck]None yet

 

[spoiler=Deck3: Dragon Deck]None yet

 

 

 

[spoiler=Kojiro Yamamoto]

[spoiler=Deck1: Zombie Deck]None yet

 

[spoiler=Deck2: Dark Ruler Deck]None yet

 

 

 

[spoiler=Ryuichi Shinoyama]

[spoiler=Deck: Weapons Deck]

Monsters:

 

1x Blowback Dragon

1x Spikebot

1x Flint Lock

1x Gradius

1x Rocket Jumper

 

Spells:

 

1x Flint

1x Mass Driver

1x Reload

 

Traps:

 

1x Draining Shield

1x Interdimensional Matter Transporter

 

Extra Deck:

-

 

 

 

 

[spoiler=Ayame Yano]

[spoiler=Deck: Fairy Deck]None yet

 

 

 

[spoiler=Saori Isawa]

[spoiler=Deck: Harpie Deck]None yet

 

 

 

[spoiler=Tetsuo Hagiwara]

[spoiler=Deck: Knights Deck]None yet

 

 

 

[spoiler=Tetsuya Hagiwara]

[spoiler=Deck: Swordsmen Deck]

Monsters:

 

1x Gearfried, the Iron Knight

1x Neo, the Magic Swordsman

1x Blade Knight

1x Obnoxious Celtic Guard

1x Swordsman of Landstar

 

Spells:

 

1x Block Attack

1x Legendary Sword

1x Sogen

 

Traps:

 

1x Draining Shield

1x Sakuretsu Armor

 

Extra Deck:

-

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Story

Okay, NOW it begins. Since it's called 'Postmortem'(just one word, really, it is), it has to do with death, right?

[spoiler=[b]Season 1[/b]]

[spoiler=[b]Chapter 1: Adventure Begins! Shadows Appear![/b]]

Yeah! Duel! Now Summon: "Chaos Emperor Dragon - Envoy of the End". Activate Effect! Yeah! Crush him!!!!!! I won.

I woke up suddenly.

Kansuke: "What!? What happened?... Oh, it was just a dream."

What a bland, crappy dream. You just win a game? Wow, that's boring.

It was a beautiful Sunday morning. I woke up suddenly, because I had a really sweet dream and a nightmare at the same time. I was dreaming about a great Duel with an evil guy. I don't know who is he, but the good part was that I was winning.

How does this make sense? He has a nice, crappy dream? That's ridiculous.

Hi! My name is Kansuke Pitsura. I'm a young duelist with big dreams. I'm a simple guy though; not many people know me and I don't have many friends. I like to spend my time alone and I'm a really lazy guy. I like to relax and maybe even take a nap when I'm not disturbed.

Ok...it's time to get some sleep.

Weird name. Sorry if that's an insult, but it's a very odd name to most people. Is he some sort of foreigner? Because he SHOULD be, with that name. So we get a VERY basic bio from himself, but we don't know what he looks like, OR if he's even a human! Wait... he's a living rock. That's why he doesn't have friends; he's too creepy.

[spoiler=[b]Meanwhile[/b]] Ayame's house.

Why do we need a spoiler for this conversation? It's as if this spoiler should say; "Warning. Plot or ending details inside." I seriously don't get it.

Ayame is thinking about something and doesn't listen to Saiko's words.

WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?! You just throw them at us without properly introducing them?! Okay, so let's meet the living couch and the lemur and get it over with.

Lemur: "Hey! Are you listening to me?"

Of course not. You're a lemur speaking in script format. NOBODY listens to script format.

Couch (Depressive): "Sorry...I'm just wondering what is he doing, that's all."

Buck up, kid. NOBODY likes a depressed COUCH.

Lemur: "Rock, right?"

This is the 'stalker/lover' character, right? Why else would sh ebe like that, wondering about that 'Kansuke' guy.

Couch (Depressive): "Yeah..."

This just cements that fact.

Lemur: "Well, maybe he's sleeping, like always."

Okay, just please stop.

Couch (Still depressive): "Yeah... I guess you're right."

I hate their guts already.

 

 

 

Rock's House.

Kojiro: "Hey! Rock! Wake up!"

Ew! More script format! So now the next guy's a cotton ball...

Ryuichi: "Yeah! Wake up man!"

... and this guy's a torpedo with no grammar habits...

I woke up and I heard that someone is calling me. Actually Cotton Yamamoto and Torpedo Shinoyama are calling for me. They are my friends I think, because we spend a lot of time together. Well, anyway, I opened the window:

... and they're BOTH friends with a ROCK.

Rock: "Huh?! Oh, hi guys! What's up?"

Torpedo: "Man, what took you so long??? You're always so lazy???"

Woah, so much inquisitiveness, that torpedo! Ha-ha. Besides, you don't even need quotation marks in script format, even when IT DIDN'T BEGIN THIS WAY.

Rock (Smiling): "Well, I guess I am. Ha-ha-ha!"

Torpedo (Bored): "Oh man..."

Rock: "So, what are you guys doing so early in the morning?"

Torpedo (Nervous): "What??? You..."

Cotton: "Calm down Torpedo! Hey Rock! Let's go. It's time to get some serious training."

Rock: "Ok! Just a second..."

I dressed up quickly, took my Duel Disk and I was ready to go and have some fun, training at the same time.

Just more grammatical errors and format errors here. This story can't decide if it's a script or not...

Just before I leave the house...:

Rock's Mom: "Don't get in trouble Rock! And don't be late for dinner!"

Rock: "Yeah Mom, I know... <>"

I get outside...:

Torpedo (Nervous): "What took you so long???"

Rock: "<> Well... You know. Traffic..."

Torpedo (Angry): "Traffic...??? You cannot find a better reason? You...."

Cotton: "That's enough!!! We don't have time to lose. Let's go!"

So far, this is incredibly boring and bland. And they live in 'Blob Land' apparently, since there aren't any buildings, trees, or any decorative items. around here. If you want to write a good first-person story, I'd suggest going to a bookstore and asking them if they have any books by Darren Shan. He's made two children's horror series(not very scary, just exciting and awesome. This also cements my young age), both written completely in first-person. Try them and use your newfound knowledge to make this better and not a script!!

[spoiler=[b]Meanwhile[/b]]

Two hidden shadows are watching the scene...

Shadow1 (Evil voice): "Yeah... We've finally found him..."

Shadow2 (Evil laugh): "The ultimate weapon..."

Shadow1 (Evil voice with echo): "The Spark...."

 

That's lame. So this kid's got magic powers inside? Doy...

 

We're walking down the street, heading somewhere...

Rock: "So! Where are we going today?"

Cotton: "I chose the park for today's training. Is that fine with you?"

Rock: "Yeah, it's cool."

Torpedo (Happy): "We're going to Duel!!!"

But suddenly two shadows appeared in front of us.

What park? What street? They live in BLOB TOWN!! And the shadow guys are lame and improbable. So even in the direct rays of the sun, they're STILL too dark to see? Nonsense! Shadow1 is now G.I. Joe and Shadow2 is now Sonic the Hedgehog(the crappy one, from all the 3-D games, like "Sonic and the Black Knight", or the were-hog thing. The early one was cool).

G.I. Joe: "Not so fast..."

Sonic the Hedgehog: "You're not going anywhere."

Rock: "What do you mean?"

You're not goin' anywhere! With Sonic's super-speed and Joe's knowledge of weaponry and war training, you're dead if you try to leave...

G.I. Joe: "You're not going anywhere until you Duel us!"

Boy, if he left, they'd annoy him SO much... but that's about it.

Rock (Confused): "Who??? Me???"

G.I. Joe (Ironic): "No, my grandma..."

Oh, Joe. You and your humor that nobody likes.

Rock (Silly face): "Oh, sorry. I though..."

Wow. This kid's an idiot. These dudes could kill him and he's smiling and carrying on? He's dumb. Just dumb.

Sonic the Hedgehog (Angry): "Of course it's you, you little..."

Woah woah woah, Sonic. Slow down, he's just a stupid rock. He'll get what's comin' to 'im.

Cotton: "Who are you guys anyway?"

G.I. Joe: "My name is Tetsuo Hagiwara..."

Sonic the Hedgehog: "... And mine is Tetsuya Hagiwara!"

Joe & Sonic : "We are brothers! And we are known as "The Perfect Hagiwara Duo". Ha-ha-ha! You have no chance against us!"

Liars. Sonic+G.I. Joe= Invincible Cartoon Duo.

Cotton: "Whatever... Prepare to Duel!"

Sonic the Hedgehog: "No, no no. We want him."

Tetsuo is pointing on me.

Pointing ON you? Then push'm off!

Cotton: "If you want him, you must beat me first!"

Torpedo: "<> Not so fast! This time you Duel me!"

It's like they keep looking at one guy, then looking at the guy who just opened his mouth, then repeating the process until their heads begin spinning... JUST PICK A GUY AND BE DONE WITH IT!! And I guess we'll soon see why this guy thinks his friends think he's worthless... because he is.

Rock: "<>"

Cotton: "What?!"

Torpedo: "That's right! I'll Duel '!"

Cotton: "But Torpedo..."

Torpedo: "It's ok Cotton. I always stand back and watch you guys. Now it's your turn to watch and my turn to shine."

G.I. Joe: "Allright! I'll Duel you!"

Torpedo: "Let's go!"

That hunk of text above = useless.

[spoiler=[b]Meanwhile[/b]]

Couch's house.

STOP DOING THIS!!

Couch (Depressive): "I can't wait anymore... I want to see him..."

Gosh, this couch's Hinata, Mr. Guy With Kakashi Avatar. Break away from Naruto and make new people! Or, she's like a girl from this chapter of a manga...

Lemur: "Relax! Tomorrow is Monday. You can see him at school."

Couch (Still depressive): "Yeah, I know... But so much time without him..."

SHUT UP, b****-COUCH! *slaps*

 

 

 

Torpedo: "It's time to start the Duel!"

Sonic the Hedgehog: "You can start it, because I'll finish it!"

Cotton: "Hey, Torpedo! Kick his butt man! Good luck!"

Torpedo: "Thanks! I think I'll need it..."

Cotton: "Torpedo..."

Torpedo: "Huh?!..."

Cotton: "Good luck."

JUST DUEL ALREADY AND STOP REPEATING YOURSELF!!

Torpedo (Smiling): "<>"

Torpedo & Sonic the Hedgehog: "Let's Duel!!!"

[spoiler=[size=medium]Duel]

(Torpedo=8000 LP) (Sonic the Hedgehog=8000 LP)

Torpedo: "Ok! My turn. Draw!... Sweet. I'll Set two cards face-down. Now I activate "Reload" from my hand."

Torpedo shuffles his hand into his Deck and Draws the same amount of cards.

Torpedo: "I Summon "Flint Lock" (1500 / 800) and I activate "Flint". I'll equip my "Flint" card to my "Flint Lock" monster on my field. Now "Flint Lock" cannot be destroyed by battle and is unaffected by "Flint" card's effect."

Rock: "Yeah! That's the way you do it!"

Torpedo: "That's right. Ok, I'll end my turn."

I like how your torpedo uses Flint Lock instead of something better.

(Torpedo=8000 LP) (Sonic the Hedgehog=8000 LP)

Sonic the Hedgehog: "Ok. My turn. Draw. I Set 1 card and 1 Monster face-down Defense Position. That's all."

Please stop showing the LP every turn exchange. Just show us when the score changes.

(Torpedo=8000 LP) (Sonic the Hedgehog=8000 LP)

Torpedo: "<> Well, my turn. Draw! <> Ok! I'll Summon "Rocket Jumper" (1000 / 800). Now, "Rocket Jumper" attack directly. (Sonic the Hedgehog: -1000 LP)"

Sonic the Hedgehog: "Huh... Looser!"

Hm? What's loose in this duel? A shoelace? A plot?

Torpedo: "Yeah, whatever. "Flint Lock" attack!"

Sonic the Hedgehog: "I activate my face-down card: "Sakuretsu Armor"! Your "Flint Lock" is history!"

Sonic the Hedgehog's card destroyed Torpedo's "Flint Lock" and "Flint" card was equipped to "Rocket Jumper" (ATK: 1000-300), because it was the only face-up monster at that time.

Torpedo: "Fine. I'll end my turn... <>"

OH NO!! HE'S SCREWED!!

(Torpedo=8000 LP) (Sonic the Hedgehog=7000 LP)

Sonic: "Draw. I Summon "Obnoxious Celtic Guard" (1400 / 1200). I also equip "Legendary Sword" to my "Obnoxious Celtic Guard" (ATK: 1400+300; DEF:1200+300). Flip Summon: "Swordsman of Landstar" (500 / 1200). Celtic G. attack his Junk."

WHO CAN HONESTLY SAY THEY USE SWORDSMAN OF LANDSTAR?!?! *two hands are raised* WELL, YOU TWO CAN GO TO HELL!!

Ryuichi's "Rocket Jumper" was destroyed. (Ryuichi: -1000 LP)

Torpedo: "Ok. Then I choose to equip "Flint" to your "Swordsman of Landstar" (ATK: 500-300)."

Sonic the Hedgehog: "Whatever. I end my turn."

(Torpedo=7000 LP) (Sonic the Hedgehog=7000 LP)

Torpedo: "Ok. Then I'll Draw! I'll Set 1 card face-down. Then I Summon "Gradius" (1200 / 800). Now "Gradius" attack his Swordsman."

This rocket deck is teh suckzors.

Sonic the Hedgehog: "Not so fast! I activate "Draining Shield". Your attack is ended and my LP are increased. Ha-ha-ha! (Sonic the Hedgehog: +1200 LP)"

Torpedo: "<>. I'll end my turn."

(Torpedo=7000 LP) (Sonic the Hedgehog=8200 LP)

Sonic the Hedgehog: "Fine! My turn. Draw! Celtic G. attack!"

Torpedo: "I activate my Trap Card: "Interdimensional Matter Transporter". My "Gradius is removed from play until the end of the turn. But that's not all; your attack lost it's target so it's negated. Ha-ha-ha!"

Sonic the Hedgehog: "It doesn't matter. You're finished anyway. End of my turn."

(Torpedo=7000 LP) (Sonic the Hedgehog=8200 LP)

Torpedo: "Allright! My "Gradius" is back! Now Draw! I Release my "Gradius" to Advance Summon "Blowback Dragon". I activate the effect of my Dragon; Here's the coin. First flip....: It's Heads. Second flip.....: It's Tails."

At least it doesn't COMPLETELY suck.

Sonic the Hedgehog: "And third will be Tails too!"

Torpedo: "And third flip...: <> Yeah! It's Heads! Your Celtic G., by the way: it's a stupid name, is destroyed!"

'Blowby'?! What kind of nickname is that?! Does he tuck it in at night, too?

Sonic the Hedgehog: "You are stupid for calling my card stupid."

How stupid is this stupid sentence? These bad guys are about as bad as... well, G.I. Joe and Sonic. They suck at being evil.

Torpedo: "Whatever... Now "Blowback Dragon" attack his Swordsman (Tetsuya: -2000 LP)."

Sonic the Hedgehog: "Go Ryuichi! Go!"

Torpedo: "Thanks!"

Sonic the Hedgehog: "Yeah. But now your stupid Dragon is equipped with "Flint"."

Torpedo: "You should care about you, not about my Dragon. I end my turn."

This is turning into a game of 'Pass the Flint'.

(Torpedo=7000 LP) (Sonic the Hedgehog=6200 LP)

Sonic the Hedgehog: "I think you should watch for yourself. My turn. Draw. I Summon "Gearfried, the Iron Knight" (1800 / 1600)! I also activate "Block Attack". Your "Blowback Dragon" is changed to Defense Position."

Cotton (Worried): "It's not good..."

It is not good...

Rock: "What do you mean?"

Cotton: "Look at the field Kansuke."

Rock: "Damn! You're right..."

Sonic the Hedgehog: "Gearfried attack his worthless Dragon!"

Cotton: "You see. Now "Flint" should be equipped to Gearfried, but his effect destroys the card. This way Sonic the Hedgehog don't have to be afraid about "Flint anymore."

Rock (Worried): "Yeah. You're right. I see now..."

Sonic the Hedgehog: "It's your turn now."

(Torpedo=7000 LP) (Sonic the Hedgehog=6200 LP)

Torpedo: "<> Ok. Draw! I activate "Mass Driver" and end my turn."

Dude, grow up.

(Torpedo=7000 LP) (Sonic the Hedgehog=6200 LP)

Sonic the Hegdehog: "Draw. I summon "Neo , the Magic Swordsman". Gerafried attack (Torpedo: -1800 LP), Neo you too (Torpedo: -1700 LP). That's for now."

(Torpedo=3500 LP) (Sonic the Hedgehog=6200 LP)

Torpedo: "My turn. Draw! <> I Set 1 card. That's all"

Oh, I bet he drew JUST the card he needed! How delightful!

(Torpedo=3500 LP) (Sonic the Hedgehog=6200 LP)

Rock: "C'mon Torpedo! Fight! You can beat him!"

Cotton: "It's worthless Rock. I shouldn't let him do this. He's not an opponent for this guys..."

So what now, Cotton? You're Torpedo's nanny? Why should you control who he has a non-life-threatening card game with?

Rock: "What do you mean?"

Cotton: "<> This guys are not ordinary duelists. But I don't think they're on their own. Someone else is the head of all this thing."

No, you just SUCK. WHO USES SWORDSMAN OF LANDSTAR?!

Sonic the Hedgehog: "I guess it's my turn. Draw a card and... I activate "Sogen" (All Warrior-Type monsters - ATK: +200; DEF: +200). Gearfried attack!"

That card makes him EVEN MORE LAME.

Torpedo: "Not so fast! I activate "Draining Shield" (Ryuichi: +2000 LP)."

Sonic the Hedgehog: "So, you have one too. It doesn't matter. Neo attack! (Torpedo: -1700 LP) I end my turn."

(Torpedo=3800 LP) (Sonic the Hedgehog=6200 LP)

Torpedo: "<> Draw! <> I'll end my turn..."

WHY DO THEY HAVE SUCH SUCKY CARDS?! NO WONDER I MADE THIS GUY A TORPEDO.

(Torpedo=3800 LP) (Sonic the Hedgehog=6200 LP)

Rock (Worried): "<>"

Sonic the Hedgehog: "Draw a card. I'll Summon "Blade Knight" (1600 / 1000) ("Sogen" activates - ATK: +200; DEF: +200). Then I Set 1 card face-down. now, because I have only one card in my hand, my Knight's effect activates and he gains 400 ATK points (ATK: 1800+400). Neo attack! (Torpedo: -1700) Gearfried attack! (Torpedo: -2000 LP) "Blade Knight" attack! (Torpedo: -2200 LP) It's over!"

(Torpedo=0 LP) (Sonic the Hedgehog=6200 LP)

At least the torpedo lost~ Also notice how they said "Attack!" but we never saw HOW they attacked or their reactions...

End of Duel

 

 

 

 

Torpedo: "<>"

Rock (In silence): "Ryuichi... No..."

Cotton: "<>"

G.I. Joe (Evil voice&laugh): "Your up next Kansuke! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!"

*The G.I. Joe theme song hauntingly plays in the background*

Dude, get over it. It's just a card game.

"I just... lost a children's card game..."

"SOMEBODY CALL AN AMBULANCE!!"

 

To Be Continued...

 

 

[spoiler=[b]Chapter 2]

Coming soon...

 

 

 

Basically... it's a story about random people doing random stuff with evil guys. How do they know that Rock has super powers? Why is Torpedo such an idiot? Why is Couch a stalker? In fact, why is she even IN this chapter? Your plot is loose, your characters are looser, and everybody in this chapter is a loser. Fix your grammar, stop using script format, make people make sense, and fix the decks. There's no excuse to use Landstar or Spikebot. AND TAKE AWAY THE STUPID STALKER SIDEPLOT!!

 

And all name changes are due to no description. Just because you describe people in bios doesn't mean you're off the hook.

 

yeah...

 

whatever... -_-

 

shoot yourself

 

I'm out

 

see ya....

 

LE GASP! I take that harshly! I will now cry due to my honesty.

[Ookami Moriyama]

Well' date=' hello, it's time for Weather Report.

The story begins!...

Okay, then... no, it doesn't begin yet. We have a CHARACTER LIST.

[spoiler=Characters]

[spoiler=Kansuke Pitsura]

Name: Kansuke Pitsura

Age: 17

Appearances: spiky dark hair, dark eyes, wears a black T-shirt and a pair of black jeans

Bio: Kansuke is a lazy, but very smart guy. He is almost always alone, and he doesn't have many friends. He likes to spend his time alone, relax, take a nap maybe. However, when it's time to duel, he doesn't back of. He is always prepared for anything and always finds a strategy for anything.

 

 

[spoiler=Kojiro Yamamoto]

Name: Kojiro Yamamoto

Age: 17

Appearances: long dark hair, dark eyes, wears a black shirt, and black jeans

Bio: Kojiro is actually Kansuke's best friend, but he doesn't know yet. His personality is very similar to Kansuke's. They are like twins. Kojiro likes to spend his time alone, is a smart guy, but he likes to relax, and he is always ready for any challenge.

 

 

[spoiler=Ryuichi Shinoyama]

Name: Ryuichi Shinoyama

Age: 16

Appearances: spiky blond hair, blue eyes, wears a blue T-shirt and blue jeans

Bio: Ryuichi likes to hang out with Kansuke and Kojiro. They are like a guide for him. He is always full of energy, and talks a bit to much. It's good that Kojro is always around to stop him saying something wrong, or just stop him.

 

 

[spoiler=Ayame Yano]

Name: Ayame Yano

Age:16

Appearances: long blue hair, blue eyes, wears a beautiful blue dress

Bio: Ayame is always thinking about something, or at last it seems so. She loves Kansuke, but she speaks about this only with her best friend Saori. Kansuke doesn't know about Ayame's feelings, and he is not trying to talk to her.

 

 

[spoiler=Saori Isawa]

Name: Saori Isawa

Age: 17

Appearances: short brown hair, brown eyes, wears a blue shirt and a black skirt

Bio: Saori Isawa is a rebel schoolgirl, that likes to party all the time. She is bored all the time. She is also Ayame's best friend. Always supports her, and they spend a lot of time together.

 

 

[spoiler=Tetsuo Hagiwara]

Name: Tetsuo Hagiwara

Age: 19

Appearances: brown hair, dark eyes, wears a black mask on his face, a grey T-shirt and black jeans.

Bio: Tetsuo is Tetsuya's older brother. He likes to give orders. He is a really bad guy, and has an evil aura. He always is in search of power, and crushes everything in it's way.

 

 

[spoiler=Tetsuya Hagiwara]

Name: Tetsuya Hagiwara

Age: 18

Appearances: brown hair, green eyes, wears a black hat and a black mask on his face, a blue T-shirt, and black jeans.

Bio: Tetsuya is Tetsuo's younger brother. He doesn't like following orders, but he must follow his older brother's orders. Hi's not so evil like his brother, but evil enough to help Tetsuo to accomplish his plans.

 

 

 

 

*WHEW* It's over. NOW THE ADVENTURE BEGI--no, DECK LISTS.

[spoiler=Decks]

[spoiler=Kansuke Pitsura]

[spoiler=Deck1: Main Deck]None yet

 

[spoiler=Deck2: Dinosaur Deck]None yet

 

[spoiler=Deck3: Dragon Deck]None yet

 

 

 

[spoiler=Kojiro Yamamoto]

[spoiler=Deck1: Zombie Deck]None yet

 

[spoiler=Deck2: Dark Ruler Deck]None yet

 

 

 

[spoiler=Ryuichi Shinoyama]

[spoiler=Deck: Weapons Deck]

Monsters:

 

1x Blowback Dragon

1x Spikebot

1x Flint Lock

1x Gradius

1x Rocket Jumper

 

Spells:

 

1x Flint

1x Mass Driver

1x Reload

 

Traps:

 

1x Draining Shield

1x Interdimensional Matter Transporter

 

Extra Deck:

-

 

 

 

 

[spoiler=Ayame Yano]

[spoiler=Deck: Fairy Deck]None yet

 

 

 

[spoiler=Saori Isawa]

[spoiler=Deck: Harpie Deck]None yet

 

 

 

[spoiler=Tetsuo Hagiwara]

[spoiler=Deck: Knights Deck]None yet

 

 

 

[spoiler=Tetsuya Hagiwara]

[spoiler=Deck: Swordsmen Deck]

Monsters:

 

1x Gearfried, the Iron Knight

1x Neo, the Magic Swordsman

1x Blade Knight

1x Obnoxious Celtic Guard

1x Swordsman of Landstar

 

Spells:

 

1x Block Attack

1x Legendary Sword

1x Sogen

 

Traps:

 

1x Draining Shield

1x Sakuretsu Armor

 

Extra Deck:

-

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Story

Okay, NOW it begins. Since it's called 'Postmortem'(just one word, really, it is), it has to do with death, right?

[spoiler=[b]Season 1[/b]]

[spoiler=[b]Chapter 1: Adventure Begins! Shadows Appear![/b]]

Yeah! Duel! Now Summon: "Chaos Emperor Dragon - Envoy of the End". Activate Effect! Yeah! Crush him!!!!!! I won.

I woke up suddenly.

Kansuke: "What!? What happened?... Oh, it was just a dream."

What a bland, crappy dream. You just win a game? Wow, that's boring.

It was a beautiful Sunday morning. I woke up suddenly, because I had a really sweet dream and a nightmare at the same time. I was dreaming about a great Duel with an evil guy. I don't know who is he, but the good part was that I was winning.

How does this make sense? He has a nice, crappy dream? That's ridiculous.

Hi! My name is Kansuke Pitsura. I'm a young duelist with big dreams. I'm a simple guy though; not many people know me and I don't have many friends. I like to spend my time alone and I'm a really lazy guy. I like to relax and maybe even take a nap when I'm not disturbed.

Ok...it's time to get some sleep.

Weird name. Sorry if that's an insult, but it's a very odd name to most people. Is he some sort of foreigner? Because he SHOULD be, with that name. So we get a VERY basic bio from himself, but we don't know what he looks like, OR if he's even a human! Wait... he's a living rock. That's why he doesn't have friends; he's too creepy.

[spoiler=[b]Meanwhile[/b]] Ayame's house.

Why do we need a spoiler for this conversation? It's as if this spoiler should say; "Warning. Plot or ending details inside." I seriously don't get it.

Ayame is thinking about something and doesn't listen to Saiko's words.

WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?! You just throw them at us without properly introducing them?! Okay, so let's meet the living couch and the lemur and get it over with.

Lemur: "Hey! Are you listening to me?"

Of course not. You're a lemur speaking in script format. NOBODY listens to script format.

Couch (Depressive): "Sorry...I'm just wondering what is he doing, that's all."

Buck up, kid. NOBODY likes a depressed COUCH.

Lemur: "Rock, right?"

This is the 'stalker/lover' character, right? Why else would sh ebe like that, wondering about that 'Kansuke' guy.

Couch (Depressive): "Yeah..."

This just cements that fact.

Lemur: "Well, maybe he's sleeping, like always."

Okay, just please stop.

Couch (Still depressive): "Yeah... I guess you're right."

I hate their guts already.

 

 

 

Rock's House.

Kojiro: "Hey! Rock! Wake up!"

Ew! More script format! So now the next guy's a cotton ball...

Ryuichi: "Yeah! Wake up man!"

... and this guy's a torpedo with no grammar habits...

I woke up and I heard that someone is calling me. Actually Cotton Yamamoto and Torpedo Shinoyama are calling for me. They are my friends I think, because we spend a lot of time together. Well, anyway, I opened the window:

... and they're BOTH friends with a ROCK.

Rock: "Huh?! Oh, hi guys! What's up?"

Torpedo: "Man, what took you so long??? You're always so lazy???"

Woah, so much inquisitiveness, that torpedo! Ha-ha. Besides, you don't even need quotation marks in script format, even when IT DIDN'T BEGIN THIS WAY.

Rock (Smiling): "Well, I guess I am. Ha-ha-ha!"

Torpedo (Bored): "Oh man..."

Rock: "So, what are you guys doing so early in the morning?"

Torpedo (Nervous): "What??? You..."

Cotton: "Calm down Torpedo! Hey Rock! Let's go. It's time to get some serious training."

Rock: "Ok! Just a second..."

I dressed up quickly, took my Duel Disk and I was ready to go and have some fun, training at the same time.

Just more grammatical errors and format errors here. This story can't decide if it's a script or not...

Just before I leave the house...:

Rock's Mom: "Don't get in trouble Rock! And don't be late for dinner!"

Rock: "Yeah Mom, I know... <>"

I get outside...:

Torpedo (Nervous): "What took you so long???"

Rock: "<> Well... You know. Traffic..."

Torpedo (Angry): "Traffic...??? You cannot find a better reason? You...."

Cotton: "That's enough!!! We don't have time to lose. Let's go!"

So far, this is incredibly boring and bland. And they live in 'Blob Land' apparently, since there aren't any buildings, trees, or any decorative items. around here. If you want to write a good first-person story, I'd suggest going to a bookstore and asking them if they have any books by Darren Shan. He's made two children's horror series(not very scary, just exciting and awesome. This also cements my young age), both written completely in first-person. Try them and use your newfound knowledge to make this better and not a script!!

[spoiler=[b]Meanwhile[/b]]

Two hidden shadows are watching the scene...

Shadow1 (Evil voice): "Yeah... We've finally found him..."

Shadow2 (Evil laugh): "The ultimate weapon..."

Shadow1 (Evil voice with echo): "The Spark...."

 

That's lame. So this kid's got magic powers inside? Doy...

 

We're walking down the street, heading somewhere...

Rock: "So! Where are we going today?"

Cotton: "I chose the park for today's training. Is that fine with you?"

Rock: "Yeah, it's cool."

Torpedo (Happy): "We're going to Duel!!!"

But suddenly two shadows appeared in front of us.

What park? What street? They live in BLOB TOWN!! And the shadow guys are lame and improbable. So even in the direct rays of the sun, they're STILL too dark to see? Nonsense! Shadow1 is now G.I. Joe and Shadow2 is now Sonic the Hedgehog(the crappy one, from all the 3-D games, like "Sonic and the Black Knight", or the were-hog thing. The early one was cool).

G.I. Joe: "Not so fast..."

Sonic the Hedgehog: "You're not going anywhere."

Rock: "What do you mean?"

You're not goin' anywhere! With Sonic's super-speed and Joe's knowledge of weaponry and war training, you're dead if you try to leave...

G.I. Joe: "You're not going anywhere until you Duel us!"

Boy, if he left, they'd annoy him SO much... but that's about it.

Rock (Confused): "Who??? Me???"

G.I. Joe (Ironic): "No, my grandma..."

Oh, Joe. You and your humor that nobody likes.

Rock (Silly face): "Oh, sorry. I though..."

Wow. This kid's an idiot. These dudes could kill him and he's smiling and carrying on? He's dumb. Just dumb.

Sonic the Hedgehog (Angry): "Of course it's you, you little..."

Woah woah woah, Sonic. Slow down, he's just a stupid rock. He'll get what's comin' to 'im.

Cotton: "Who are you guys anyway?"

G.I. Joe: "My name is Tetsuo Hagiwara..."

Sonic the Hedgehog: "... And mine is Tetsuya Hagiwara!"

Joe & Sonic : "We are brothers! And we are known as "The Perfect Hagiwara Duo". Ha-ha-ha! You have no chance against us!"

Liars. Sonic+G.I. Joe= Invincible Cartoon Duo.

Cotton: "Whatever... Prepare to Duel!"

Sonic the Hedgehog: "No, no no. We want him."

Tetsuo is pointing on me.

Pointing ON you? Then push'm off!

Cotton: "If you want him, you must beat me first!"

Torpedo: "<> Not so fast! This time you Duel me!"

It's like they keep looking at one guy, then looking at the guy who just opened his mouth, then repeating the process until their heads begin spinning... JUST PICK A GUY AND BE DONE WITH IT!! And I guess we'll soon see why this guy thinks his friends think he's worthless... because he is.

Rock: "<>"

Cotton: "What?!"

Torpedo: "That's right! I'll Duel '!"

Cotton: "But Torpedo..."

Torpedo: "It's ok Cotton. I always stand back and watch you guys. Now it's your turn to watch and my turn to shine."

G.I. Joe: "Allright! I'll Duel you!"

Torpedo: "Let's go!"

That hunk of text above = useless.

[spoiler=[b]Meanwhile[/b]]

Couch's house.

STOP DOING THIS!!

Couch (Depressive): "I can't wait anymore... I want to see him..."

Gosh, this couch's Hinata, Mr. Guy With Kakashi Avatar. Break away from Naruto and make new people! Or, she's like a girl from this chapter of a manga...

Lemur: "Relax! Tomorrow is Monday. You can see him at school."

Couch (Still depressive): "Yeah, I know... But so much time without him..."

SHUT UP, b****-COUCH! *slaps*

 

 

 

Torpedo: "It's time to start the Duel!"

Sonic the Hedgehog: "You can start it, because I'll finish it!"

Cotton: "Hey, Torpedo! Kick his butt man! Good luck!"

Torpedo: "Thanks! I think I'll need it..."

Cotton: "Torpedo..."

Torpedo: "Huh?!..."

Cotton: "Good luck."

JUST DUEL ALREADY AND STOP REPEATING YOURSELF!!

Torpedo (Smiling): "<>"

Torpedo & Sonic the Hedgehog: "Let's Duel!!!"

[spoiler=[size=medium]Duel]

(Torpedo=8000 LP) (Sonic the Hedgehog=8000 LP)

Torpedo: "Ok! My turn. Draw!... Sweet. I'll Set two cards face-down. Now I activate "Reload" from my hand."

Torpedo shuffles his hand into his Deck and Draws the same amount of cards.

Torpedo: "I Summon "Flint Lock" (1500 / 800) and I activate "Flint". I'll equip my "Flint" card to my "Flint Lock" monster on my field. Now "Flint Lock" cannot be destroyed by battle and is unaffected by "Flint" card's effect."

Rock: "Yeah! That's the way you do it!"

Torpedo: "That's right. Ok, I'll end my turn."

I like how your torpedo uses Flint Lock instead of something better.

(Torpedo=8000 LP) (Sonic the Hedgehog=8000 LP)

Sonic the Hedgehog: "Ok. My turn. Draw. I Set 1 card and 1 Monster face-down Defense Position. That's all."

Please stop showing the LP every turn exchange. Just show us when the score changes.

(Torpedo=8000 LP) (Sonic the Hedgehog=8000 LP)

Torpedo: "<> Well, my turn. Draw! <> Ok! I'll Summon "Rocket Jumper" (1000 / 800). Now, "Rocket Jumper" attack directly. (Sonic the Hedgehog: -1000 LP)"

Sonic the Hedgehog: "Huh... Looser!"

Hm? What's loose in this duel? A shoelace? A plot?

Torpedo: "Yeah, whatever. "Flint Lock" attack!"

Sonic the Hedgehog: "I activate my face-down card: "Sakuretsu Armor"! Your "Flint Lock" is history!"

Sonic the Hedgehog's card destroyed Torpedo's "Flint Lock" and "Flint" card was equipped to "Rocket Jumper" (ATK: 1000-300), because it was the only face-up monster at that time.

Torpedo: "Fine. I'll end my turn... <>"

OH NO!! HE'S SCREWED!!

(Torpedo=8000 LP) (Sonic the Hedgehog=7000 LP)

Sonic: "Draw. I Summon "Obnoxious Celtic Guard" (1400 / 1200). I also equip "Legendary Sword" to my "Obnoxious Celtic Guard" (ATK: 1400+300; DEF:1200+300). Flip Summon: "Swordsman of Landstar" (500 / 1200). Celtic G. attack his Junk."

WHO CAN HONESTLY SAY THEY USE SWORDSMAN OF LANDSTAR?!?! *two hands are raised* WELL, YOU TWO CAN GO TO HELL!!

Ryuichi's "Rocket Jumper" was destroyed. (Ryuichi: -1000 LP)

Torpedo: "Ok. Then I choose to equip "Flint" to your "Swordsman of Landstar" (ATK: 500-300)."

Sonic the Hedgehog: "Whatever. I end my turn."

(Torpedo=7000 LP) (Sonic the Hedgehog=7000 LP)

Torpedo: "Ok. Then I'll Draw! I'll Set 1 card face-down. Then I Summon "Gradius" (1200 / 800). Now "Gradius" attack his Swordsman."

This rocket deck is teh suckzors.

Sonic the Hedgehog: "Not so fast! I activate "Draining Shield". Your attack is ended and my LP are increased. Ha-ha-ha! (Sonic the Hedgehog: +1200 LP)"

Torpedo: "<>. I'll end my turn."

(Torpedo=7000 LP) (Sonic the Hedgehog=8200 LP)

Sonic the Hedgehog: "Fine! My turn. Draw! Celtic G. attack!"

Torpedo: "I activate my Trap Card: "Interdimensional Matter Transporter". My "Gradius is removed from play until the end of the turn. But that's not all; your attack lost it's target so it's negated. Ha-ha-ha!"

Sonic the Hedgehog: "It doesn't matter. You're finished anyway. End of my turn."

(Torpedo=7000 LP) (Sonic the Hedgehog=8200 LP)

Torpedo: "Allright! My "Gradius" is back! Now Draw! I Release my "Gradius" to Advance Summon "Blowback Dragon". I activate the effect of my Dragon; Here's the coin. First flip....: It's Heads. Second flip.....: It's Tails."

At least it doesn't COMPLETELY suck.

Sonic the Hedgehog: "And third will be Tails too!"

Torpedo: "And third flip...: <> Yeah! It's Heads! Your Celtic G., by the way: it's a stupid name, is destroyed!"

'Blowby'?! What kind of nickname is that?! Does he tuck it in at night, too?

Sonic the Hedgehog: "You are stupid for calling my card stupid."

How stupid is this stupid sentence? These bad guys are about as bad as... well, G.I. Joe and Sonic. They suck at being evil.

Torpedo: "Whatever... Now "Blowback Dragon" attack his Swordsman (Tetsuya: -2000 LP)."

Sonic the Hedgehog: "Go Ryuichi! Go!"

Torpedo: "Thanks!"

Sonic the Hedgehog: "Yeah. But now your stupid Dragon is equipped with "Flint"."

Torpedo: "You should care about you, not about my Dragon. I end my turn."

This is turning into a game of 'Pass the Flint'.

(Torpedo=7000 LP) (Sonic the Hedgehog=6200 LP)

Sonic the Hedgehog: "I think you should watch for yourself. My turn. Draw. I Summon "Gearfried, the Iron Knight" (1800 / 1600)! I also activate "Block Attack". Your "Blowback Dragon" is changed to Defense Position."

Cotton (Worried): "It's not good..."

It is not good...

Rock: "What do you mean?"

Cotton: "Look at the field Kansuke."

Rock: "Damn! You're right..."

Sonic the Hedgehog: "Gearfried attack his worthless Dragon!"

Cotton: "You see. Now "Flint" should be equipped to Gearfried, but his effect destroys the card. This way Sonic the Hedgehog don't have to be afraid about "Flint anymore."

Rock (Worried): "Yeah. You're right. I see now..."

Sonic the Hedgehog: "It's your turn now."

(Torpedo=7000 LP) (Sonic the Hedgehog=6200 LP)

Torpedo: "<> Ok. Draw! I activate "Mass Driver" and end my turn."

Dude, grow up.

(Torpedo=7000 LP) (Sonic the Hedgehog=6200 LP)

Sonic the Hegdehog: "Draw. I summon "Neo , the Magic Swordsman". Gerafried attack (Torpedo: -1800 LP), Neo you too (Torpedo: -1700 LP). That's for now."

(Torpedo=3500 LP) (Sonic the Hedgehog=6200 LP)

Torpedo: "My turn. Draw! <> I Set 1 card. That's all"

Oh, I bet he drew JUST the card he needed! How delightful!

(Torpedo=3500 LP) (Sonic the Hedgehog=6200 LP)

Rock: "C'mon Torpedo! Fight! You can beat him!"

Cotton: "It's worthless Rock. I shouldn't let him do this. He's not an opponent for this guys..."

So what now, Cotton? You're Torpedo's nanny? Why should you control who he has a non-life-threatening card game with?

Rock: "What do you mean?"

Cotton: "<> This guys are not ordinary duelists. But I don't think they're on their own. Someone else is the head of all this thing."

No, you just SUCK. WHO USES SWORDSMAN OF LANDSTAR?!

Sonic the Hedgehog: "I guess it's my turn. Draw a card and... I activate "Sogen" (All Warrior-Type monsters - ATK: +200; DEF: +200). Gearfried attack!"

That card makes him EVEN MORE LAME.

Torpedo: "Not so fast! I activate "Draining Shield" (Ryuichi: +2000 LP)."

Sonic the Hedgehog: "So, you have one too. It doesn't matter. Neo attack! (Torpedo: -1700 LP) I end my turn."

(Torpedo=3800 LP) (Sonic the Hedgehog=6200 LP)

Torpedo: "<> Draw! <> I'll end my turn..."

WHY DO THEY HAVE SUCH SUCKY CARDS?! NO WONDER I MADE THIS GUY A TORPEDO.

(Torpedo=3800 LP) (Sonic the Hedgehog=6200 LP)

Rock (Worried): "<>"

Sonic the Hedgehog: "Draw a card. I'll Summon "Blade Knight" (1600 / 1000) ("Sogen" activates - ATK: +200; DEF: +200). Then I Set 1 card face-down. now, because I have only one card in my hand, my Knight's effect activates and he gains 400 ATK points (ATK: 1800+400). Neo attack! (Torpedo: -1700) Gearfried attack! (Torpedo: -2000 LP) "Blade Knight" attack! (Torpedo: -2200 LP) It's over!"

(Torpedo=0 LP) (Sonic the Hedgehog=6200 LP)

At least the torpedo lost~ Also notice how they said "Attack!" but we never saw HOW they attacked or their reactions...

End of Duel

 

 

 

 

Torpedo: "<>"

Rock (In silence): "Ryuichi... No..."

Cotton: "<>"

G.I. Joe (Evil voice&laugh): "Your up next Kansuke! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!"

*The G.I. Joe theme song hauntingly plays in the background*

Dude, get over it. It's just a card game.

"I just... lost a children's card game..."

"SOMEBODY CALL AN AMBULANCE!!"

 

To Be Continued...

 

 

[spoiler=[b]Chapter 2]

Coming soon...

 

 

 

Basically... it's a story about random people doing random stuff with evil guys. How do they know that Rock has super powers? Why is Torpedo such an idiot? Why is Couch a stalker? In fact, why is she even IN this chapter? Your plot is loose, your characters are looser, and everybody in this chapter is a loser. Fix your grammar, stop using script format, make people make sense, and fix the decks. There's no excuse to use Landstar or Spikebot. AND TAKE AWAY THE STUPID STALKER SIDEPLOT!!

 

And all name changes are due to no description. Just because you describe people in bios doesn't mean you're off the hook.

 

yeah...

 

whatever... -_-

 

shoot yourself

 

I'm out

 

see ya....

 

LE GASP! I take that harshly! I will now cry due to my honesty.

 

whatever...

[Guest Supreme Gamesmaster]

I take it you aren't too keen on self-enhancement?

 

Listen to Weather Report and Rinne; they've got literary devices down. I'm the plot expert.

 

Have Shinoyama pull a Setsuna and you could have one helluva story right there. You could even dump the boring Pitsura and finish it. There'd be a reason to call the story "Postmortem" then, too; it's after Shinoyama's metaphorical death in his loss to G.I. Joe and Sonic the Werehog (because, you know, they don't have any better names).

 

If you aren't willing to go that far, at least drive Shinoyama mental and boot him. The subsequent psychoanalysis of Pitsura and Yamamoto could make for quite the drama, especially as Pitsura deals with the Stalker With a Crush and is attacked by more bad-cartoon-character blobs.

 

Anyway, here's a problem that plagues most YGO fics: why in the world is Dueling important? My YGO fic is set in Albania, where blood feuds are still relevant and Duels function the same as more traditional duels. The other half of it has Duels as methods of invoking massive titans from other worlds to do the duelist's bidding. What's your excuse?

[Ookami Moriyama]

I take it you aren't too keen on self-enhancement?

 

Listen to Weather Report and Rinne; they've got literary devices down. I'm the plot expert.

 

Have Shinoyama pull a Setsuna and you could have one helluva story right there. You could even dump the boring Pitsura and finish it. There'd be a reason to call the story "Postmortem" then' date=' too; it's after Shinoyama's metaphorical death in his loss to G.I. Joe and Sonic the Werehog (because, you know, they don't have any better names).

 

If you aren't willing to go that far, at least drive Shinoyama mental and boot him. The subsequent psychoanalysis of Pitsura and Yamamoto could make for quite the drama, especially as Pitsura deals with the Stalker With a Crush and is attacked by more bad-cartoon-character blobs.

 

Anyway, here's a problem that plagues most YGO fics: [i']why in the world is Dueling important?[/i] My YGO fic is set in Albania, where blood feuds are still relevant and Duels function the same as more traditional duels. The other half of it has Duels as methods of invoking massive titans from other worlds to do the duelist's bidding. What's your excuse?

 

it's not about that...

 

you see....

 

I worked hard and a lot to get so far...:(

 

but in the end...

 

I realize that everything I've done is worthless, useless...

 

I got nothing...

 

it's worthless...:(

 

I have to give up...

 

"foolish little brother"

 

that's what I am...:(

[bury the year]

I take it you aren't too keen on self-enhancement?

 

Listen to Weather Report and Rinne; they've got literary devices down. I'm the plot expert.

 

Have Shinoyama pull a Setsuna and you could have one helluva story right there. You could even dump the boring Pitsura and finish it. There'd be a reason to call the story "Postmortem" then' date=' too; it's after Shinoyama's metaphorical death in his loss to G.I. Joe and Sonic the Werehog (because, you know, they don't have any better names).

 

If you aren't willing to go that far, at least drive Shinoyama mental and boot him. The subsequent psychoanalysis of Pitsura and Yamamoto could make for quite the drama, especially as Pitsura deals with the Stalker With a Crush and is attacked by more bad-cartoon-character blobs.

 

Anyway, here's a problem that plagues most YGO fics: [i']why in the world is Dueling important?[/i] My YGO fic is set in Albania, where blood feuds are still relevant and Duels function the same as more traditional duels. The other half of it has Duels as methods of invoking massive titans from other worlds to do the duelist's bidding. What's your excuse?

 

it's not about that...

 

you see....

 

I worked hard and a lot to get so far...:(

 

but in the end...

 

I realize that everything I've done is worthless, useless...

 

I got nothing...

 

it's worthless...:(

 

I have to give up...

 

"foolish little brother"

 

that's what I am...:(

 

Go cry to someone who cares. We don't need your self-pity; we gave you advice, and instead of using it, you just blow us off. If you aren't going to be able to take criticism, then you shouldn't have posted this in the first place, because posting something immediately says that you know that not everyone is going to love it. Suck it up, and work harder. I see promise, but if you're not going to do anything with it, there's no need to hold hands.

[Weather Report - Stand]

I agree with Rinne. You don't have to view this as a failure, view it as a rough draft. This very random story can be turned into something much better than it is now.

 

SO!

 

Take some time to reflect on your plot. Re-write the beginning to figure out how to use this idea in a SENSIBLE manner. Turn yourself into a "cool younger brother". And try not to tell people to shoot themselves for no good reason, it really doesn't add up. Oh well! *shoots self*

[Ookami Moriyama]

I take it you aren't too keen on self-enhancement?

 

Listen to Weather Report and Rinne; they've got literary devices down. I'm the plot expert.

 

Have Shinoyama pull a Setsuna and you could have one helluva story right there. You could even dump the boring Pitsura and finish it. There'd be a reason to call the story "Postmortem" then' date=' too; it's after Shinoyama's metaphorical death in his loss to G.I. Joe and Sonic the Werehog (because, you know, they don't have any better names).

 

If you aren't willing to go that far, at least drive Shinoyama mental and boot him. The subsequent psychoanalysis of Pitsura and Yamamoto could make for quite the drama, especially as Pitsura deals with the Stalker With a Crush and is attacked by more bad-cartoon-character blobs.

 

Anyway, here's a problem that plagues most YGO fics: [i']why in the world is Dueling important?[/i] My YGO fic is set in Albania, where blood feuds are still relevant and Duels function the same as more traditional duels. The other half of it has Duels as methods of invoking massive titans from other worlds to do the duelist's bidding. What's your excuse?

 

it's not about that...

 

you see....

 

I worked hard and a lot to get so far...:(

 

but in the end...

 

I realize that everything I've done is worthless, useless...

 

I got nothing...

 

it's worthless...:(

 

I have to give up...

 

"foolish little brother"

 

that's what I am...:(

 

Go cry to someone who cares. We don't need your self-pity; we gave you advice, and instead of using it, you just blow us off. If you aren't going to be able to take criticism, then you shouldn't have posted this in the first place, because posting something immediately says that you know that not everyone is going to love it. Suck it up, and work harder. I see promise, but if you're not going to do anything with it, there's no need to hold hands.

 

I know that

 

I didn't blow ya off

 

I blowed myself off

 

and I'm not saying that I don't accept your criticisms

 

but I simply don't know what to do

 

at least the idea is good....

 

I agree with Rinne. You don't have to view this as a failure' date=' view it as a rough draft. This very random story can be turned into something much better than it is now.

 

SO!

 

Take some time to reflect on your plot. Re-write the beginning to figure out how to use this idea in a SENSIBLE manner. Turn yourself into a "cool younger brother". And try not to tell people to shoot themselves for no good reason, it really doesn't add up. Oh well! *shoots self*

[/quote']

 

I don't know...

 

what should I do?

 

I don't even know how to re-write it

 

and how the dialogues should be

 

and about "shoot yourself"...

 

I didn't wanna say it like that

 

I'm really sorry

 

forgive me, plz

[Weather Report - Stand]

I shall forgive you, but in order to re-write this thing, I'd say take a look at some of the best fics on this site and do some research. Then find a new idea all your own and harness it like SOLAR ENERGY!! Or nuclear energy, if available. There is some sort of cool idea sitting in your head, and it doesn't even have to be a yugioh fic. Just come up with maybe five ideas and use the one you love enough to detail and make good characters for. I can even help come up with people for your story, if able.

[Ookami Moriyama]

I shall forgive you' date=' but in order to re-write this thing, I'd say take a look at some of the best fics on this site and do some research. Then find a new idea all your own and harness it like SOLAR ENERGY!! Or nuclear energy, if available. There is some sort of cool idea sitting in your head, and it doesn't even have to be a yugioh fic. Just come up with maybe five ideas and use the one you love enough to detail and make good characters for. I can even help come up with people for your story, if able.

[/quote']

 

Thankyou

 

new idea?

 

why it doesn't have to be yugioh fic?

 

I like yugioh

 

other than that...it's just naruto anime

 

really?

 

can you help me?

 

it would be great

 

am really sorry again

 

I really am a "foolish little brother"

 

oh!

 

can I pm you?

[bury the year]

I'm always open for idea generation, if you need some. Just FYI. ;D

[Weather Report - Stand]

So we can close this topic if you'd like and we could discuss things in a 3-person(Rinne willing) story stuff conversation. BRAINSSSSSTORM!!