The YCM Writers Guild

[The Warden]

actually, could you read and review my fic as well, it's in my sig too. also, when does the contest close?

[Guest Supreme Gamesmaster]

Damn, short story? -.- I suck at those; there's no room for development in a single chapter. Anyway, I say we should do something like The Lady, or the Tiger?.

 

Right. I need critiques on this prologue so I can make moar epic monehz.

 

[spoiler=Teh first chapterz. Nine 5 1/2" x 8" pages. It's called Cloud Cover.]

Callused fingers slipped into a thin crack in a sawn tree trunk, hungry for the hidden contents contained within. The shadowy interior of the stump was suddenly revealed, only to be obscured as a hardened face appeared in the opening. The face’s vivid golden eyes began to scan the hollow. Its treasure was minimal: a few round fruits, easily standing out as a vivid crimson; some scrappy bits of bread crust; a nearly empty cloth bag containing a pitifully small amount of a fine, dark grey powder; a few nuts and berries.

 

Est Darclit Omnis frowned slightly in worry, though the deviance from his standard leer was minimal. He closed over his makeshift vault and recoiled; some of his dark, greasy hair was caught in the ‘door.’ He irately jerked his head away.

 

The trunk’s emptiness was unusual, but it was late autumn, and few trees in the Jokuda Woods yielded harvest at this time of year. Est’s scowl turned to a ponderous grimace; it seemed he would have to return to his usual standard of feeding himself in the winter. Certainly, he couldn’t expect the forest to provide, not when the autumn had been so barren that his food supply was at midwinter levels before the harshest season had even begun. So, the only option was theft from civilization.

 

There were two towns which he could plunder to supply himself. The village of Pæh was renowned for its delicacies by all who had ever tasted a bite of its produce, including Est. It was also a very small town. However, Est was very tired at the moment; he’d been forced to walk from Pæh’s outskirts to here in order to check on his other food stock. Therefore, the choice was none. The city of Sek Sual was much larger than Pæh, and they rarely ate prepared food there, but Est had never been to Sek Sual and seen a villager outside. He could simply walk into a field, grab some produce, eat a full lunch there, and return to the forest, and no one would notice a thing.

 

He’d better, hurry, too, he decided as he glanced to the sky. What little made it through the dense canopy of Hastonwood was cloaked in darkness. If he didn’t make it soon, the rain would begin to fall on the crops, making them utterly inedible. He crossed his gloved left hand across his body and drew a shining, razor-sharp golden spatha.

 

It was time for him to go.

 

•••

 

A dread rumbling filled the air, booming and echoing amongst the trees of the nearby forest. Hantirs and hantors, the tiny brown scamperers of the forests and their larger, lighter cousins, fled from the noise like the growling of some vicious predator. The clouds over the city were dark and terrifyingly low.

 

A storm’s rolling in? Est wondered to himself as he strode through the gates. The weather rarely changes this quickly, not even in the mountains, or so I’m told. Oh, well — now that they have a reason to stay inside, they should take the opportunity.

 

They, being the inhabitants of Sek Sual, most certainly did. As Est strolled leisurely through the crops, picking out the finest and most edible among them to place in his uprooted stump of a container, he was not once disturbed for the next sixteen minutes. At that point, though, he became thoroughly disturbed, and not because of his solitude.

 

That thunder… it still hasn’t let up, he thought suspiciously. Something’s — maybe it’s some sorceror? I’d better get out of here… Sorcerors, the mages of darkness, were fairly well-known across the continent of Axina, especially as its ruler was one. A sorceror mercenary could easily have been dispatched to influence the minds of city-dwellers for some advertising interest. If that was the case, Est had better escape; he valued his free will highly.

 

Est sprinted out of the city, his next month’s bounty in tow. He took a step outside the city gates — and that’s when it started.

 

It only began with a more intense rumbling. The clouds flashed crackling whispers amongst themselves, in anticipation of the event yet to transpire. Even the hairwings, unafraid as they normally were of storms, were now screeching in terror as they hurtled away through the sky, only slightly darker than the clouds.

 

There was no wind, no rain — but the screeches of the hairwings were barely audible over the thunder at this point. Est was now sprinting towards the forest, his golden sword instinctively drawn. He dove into the cover of the stonewood trees, laid down his stump, scrambled up one of the older trees, and watched the clouds in pure fascination. No natural event was transpiring over Sek Sual.

 

What appeared to be an impossibly smooth black wall was slowly descending from the sky. The further it fell, the louder the rumblings became, though they were already deafening prior to the wall’s descent. Finally, it touched a few of the buildings’ roofs, which failed to impede its progress towards the ground in the slightest. Est could only watch in horror as the wood cracked and splintered beneath what was now revealed to be an enormous block, warping inwards and shattering into raining splinters. Finally, the screams of the mysteriously absent people of Sek Sual were audible — and all Est could do was watch as the mammoth brick crushed them. He never saw their bodies.

 

Finally, the block touched down. The clouds had dissipated utterly, leaving only the shining sun, which illuminated the block in an eerie juxtaposition of warmth and destruction. A few broken planks still emerged from beneath the brick. Meh, leave it, Est’s common sense appealed to his curiosity. Nothing really worth seeing —

 

But common sense can rarely outdo curiosity, especially when both are in agreement. I’ll need to start a fire soon; it’s getting colder. Isgrdaar could probably light those planks faster than dead wood, and you’ll be conserving resources, his curiosity argued.

 

Predictably, common sense caved. Go salvage some wood, then, but you’re leaving afterward. Est slipped down the branches, swinging down by his hands, landing on a lower branch on his feet, falling purposefully to allow his gauntlets a proper hold, until he’d hit the ground. He then jogged over, and despite common sense’s arguments, began to examine the block that had crushed the city.

 

Up close enough to see that it was a massive black stone, Est couldn’t see the ends of it. He frowned; no sorceror would have the power to teleport something so massive, even if they could gather the enormous amount of herbs required to encircle the massive thing. So how had it arrived?

 

A sudden clank from above alerted his presence. He drew the golden sword Isgrdaar out of instinct and aimed it at the top of the giant stone, backing away. The brick was nowhere near as tall as it was high, so he was able to see the figure atop it.

 

His skin was completely black, to the point that it very nearly matched the night sky. His eyes were in sharp contrast to his skin, and vaguely resembled Est’s own in their color; they seemed to glow gold against his dark skin. The hair that vaguely obscured these eyes matched the warrior’s skin in color, and was adorned with a helm crafted with what appeared to be the skull of some horned animal. Heavy black armor covered his body completely, and in his right hand was an enormous golden labrys.

 

The apparently glowing eyes narrowed, seeming to focus the shine into a laser directed at Est. The vagrant refused to cower.

 

The man spoke in a rasping voice: “How do you break my power?”

 

What madness is he raving? Est wondered to himself. He remained silent; when the warrior postured into a hostile position, he mimicked his enemy.

 

However, he was seriously concerned about his nemesis now: from his opponent’s posture, and the light grip of the dark gauntlets on his double-sided axe, that he was up against a deceptively maneuverable opponent. Maneuverability, plus the immense power of an axe, made for a deadly opponent. He considered using his “secret weapon” of sorts.

 

After a few moments of thought, he made his choice: This person can use lightning, but he’s not the only one with such powers. He imagined the groove running down his spatha filling with a glowing, scarlet liquid. Isgrdaar was promptly surrounded in fire.

 

Fortunately, his foe's response to the glowing blade was typical: fear. He stood for a moment, frozen mid-gasp, staring at the blade. He soon regained his composure, however. “We're not alone,” he growled, his voice cold. He raised his axe, and more of the same dark clouds formed over his head. Est stared, as this man had obviously called the massive stone. He’d never be able to survive combat with someone that powerful —

 

But he was already leaving. A bolt of lightning sailed down from the thundercloud, striking the man’s axe and emitting a burst of light.

 

Oddly enough, the light seemed to eclipse Est’s vision. Nothing but prismatic swirls on a black background were apparent. His eyes — no, his face — now his whole body was burning with the energy.

 

When Est recovered his vision, his opponent was gone.

 

…I’ve got to escape, he realized numbly. Head to Pæh, ask for shelter. It's worked before. He reached for his stump full of crops, sheathed Isgrdaar, and sprinted into the forest, thoroughly disturbed by the recent encounter.

 

 

[Lemniscate]

Here is a poem I just wrote...

What do you think?

[spoiler=Madness]

Madness all enveloping

Sickeningly developing

Hellishly detailing

All the super-sensory ailing

Making such a din

In sin it all curtailing

The frail pale wailing

Of the dark inside availing

 

 

[Guest Supreme Gamesmaster]

The second-last line is excellent. However, I have to question the fifth line down.

 

The poem sounds rather emotive. :?

 

Rate mah chapter pl0x?

[Lemniscate]

I thought that having all of the lines rhyme would be too much, so I instead had a line that purposefully doesn't fit, and emphasizes the ending.

 

 

I like your story.

Good job.

Nothing really to complain about.

[The Warden]

That is a cool one, I remember, I once made a parody to shakepearean sonnet 21, Shall i compare the to a sommers day?

[Guest Supreme Gamesmaster]

It doesn't emphasize the last line at all.

 

Maybe elaborate more on the frailty of madness? You brought that up once or twice, and without pointing out that it's easy to snap out of madness as it is to fall in, your poem sounds gratuitously emotive.

[Lemniscate]

[spoiler=2nd Draft]

Madness all enveloping

Sickeningly developing

Hellishly detailing

All the super-sensory ailing

The mind within impaling

In sin it all curtailing

The frail pale wailing

Of the dark inside availing

 

 

 

How is it now?

Also, please say what lines you would change.

[Guest Supreme Gamesmaster]

Hm... Well, looking back on it, 'detailing' doesn't seem like such a good adjective for madness. Some people even say that madness blinds.

[Lemniscate]

I am trying to say that madness opens you up more, that when you are mad, the feelings inside of you are even more acute and painful.

[Poseidon©]

I'll join! :)

 

Member Name: Parablank

 

Favorite Book*: Percy Jackson Series, Diary of a Wimpy Kid Series, Harry Potter Series,

Because of Winn-Dixie, Manic Magee, and a bunch of others...

 

Do you prefer: Other: Fictional Humor, Fiction, Realisistic Fiction, Myth, and Fantasy.

 

Thanks!

[Davok]

I'm sorry to say that I'm unable to find many faults that you can improve on that particular chapter. The writing's just... great. Descriptive, detailed, great characters. If it gets published, then I would be sure to buy it. :)

[Final Fantasy Revolution]

Parablank, your accepted. Jeez, I gave two members accepting power and they refuse to use it...

[Umbra]

Alright, I have finished the first chapter of A Thousand Times Your Hatred, that 5D's fanfic of mine, and I need some beta readers. Any of you up for it?

 

Current length of chapter: Three and three quarters of a page in OpenOffice Writer, and almost three thousand words. Be warned.

[Flavour]

Alright' date=' I have finished the first chapter of A Thousand Times Your Hatred, that 5D's fanfic of mine, and I need some beta readers. Any of you up for it?

 

Current length of chapter: Three and three quarters of a page in OpenOffice Writer, and almost three thousand words. Be warned.

[/quote']

 

Opalmoon?

[Umbra]

^It was directed at anyone, not just Opal. I'll check on FF.net too, but I wanted to go by here first.

[Flavour]

Ok. Anyway, I can't find it, can you give me the link please?

[Umbra]

I haven't put it up anywhere yet, seeing as it's still beta. I'll send the first chapter through PM.

[CinnamonStar]

That is a cool one' date=' I remember, I once made a parody to shakepearean sonnet 21, Shall i compare the to a sommers day?

[/quote']

 

Post it? That should be fun.:D

 

 

Alright' date=' I have finished the first chapter of A Thousand Times Your Hatred, that 5D's fanfic of mine, and I need some beta readers. Any of you up for it?

 

Current length of chapter: Three and three quarters of a page in OpenOffice Writer, and almost three thousand words. Be warned.

[/quote']

 

5D’s...¬.¬ I don’t like it so I might be a bit rusty at some aspects like content and how it relates to the original plot, but I can revise anything else.

I would love to help out with detail, style, syntax balance and that jazz, but you should probably get someone else for any content fixes.

You can PM me the chapter if you want.:)

[Umbra]

Alright' date=' I have finished the first chapter of A Thousand Times Your Hatred, that 5D's fanfic of mine, and I need some beta readers. Any of you up for it?

 

Current length of chapter: Three and three quarters of a page in OpenOffice Writer, and almost three thousand words. Be warned.

[/quote']

 

5D’s...¬.¬ I don’t like it so I might be a bit rusty at some aspects like content and how it relates to the original plot, but I can revise anything else.

I would love to help out with detail, style, syntax balance and that jazz, but you should probably get someone else for any content fixes.

You can PM me the chapter if you want.:)

 

Well, it's basically all un-canon so far, part a few things such as the city itself. It's the latter I could use some check-up on rather than the former.

[Final Fantasy Revolution]

Okay, I took all the Short Story ideas and shared them with two none club members, and then we narrowed it down to two. Please vote for your favorite, Voting ends February 12th-2009.

 

 

 

Man on the Moon (Original pitch on post #87)

 

The Pocket Watch (Original pitch on post #91)

[Umbra]

The problem with those two is that they're basically the same thing.

 

- Kid lives with older male relative

- Kid goes away

- Kid comes back to find said relative either dead or dying

 

There isn't really an option. However, out of the two variations, The Pocket Watch is better.

[The Warden]

Let's see if I can find my poem............here it is. Despite the fact the wording is off, I kept it true to the shakespearean sonnet format, so that must be worth something. Ahem.

 

Shall I compare thee to sickness & gore?

Though art more loathsome, and vilely tainted.

Sick yellow pus drips from your weeping sores;

With a face that horror itself painted.

 

To little does the eye of Hades shine,

& often is his grim complexion scarred.

With ev'ry heart from heart is darkly defined;

By malicious hate & anger unbarred.

 

But thy eternal darkness shall not fade;

Nor loss your saddened aura of despair.

Like death itself you wander in the shade,

In eternal lines of darkness you stare.

So long as men can live and they be free,

So ends this, and this ends the life of thee

[Final Fantasy Revolution]

Not bad you did stick to Shakespearin quite a bit but it's still a little shakey...

 

8.5/10 Keep writing =)

[The Warden]

thanks for that