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Final Fantasy Revolution

What Will Be Our Febuary Piece of Litterature to Write as a Club?  

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  1. 1. What Will Be Our Febuary Piece of Litterature to Write as a Club?

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Toxic-skull Newbie

Toxic-skull

Posted
Posted

your welcome :) hey can you read this? tell me if it's sad/ creeapy

[spoiler= random parts from my strory]

I looked away from the window and took a deep breath “I know about the night of the red

 

moon because I’m a moon guardian and my name is Midnight now I have a question for

 

you Nights do you know who Reala is or where he is at?” I asked in a worried voice.

 

“Yea, I know where Ree is” Night said in a joyful voice okay my mood changed from

 

worried to confusion “who is Ree I asked “oh, sorry that’s what I call Reala and he is in

 

the cell right across from us” she said pointing to the cell across the hall. When I was able

 

to make out what had happened to Reala, he was covered in his own blood and chained

 

up to the walls, his head down, eyes shut and he looked like he was lifeless. “Oh my god

 

what did the Fire Lord do to him?” I asked frightened

 

 

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Brendano Harns Rookie

Brendano Harns

Posted
Posted

your welcome :) hey can you read this? tell me if it's sad/ creeapy

[spoiler= random parts from my strory]

I looked away from the window and took a deep breath “I know about the night of the red

 

moon because I’m a moon guardian and my name is Midnight now I have a question for

 

you Nights do you know who Reala is or where he is at?” I asked in a worried voice.

 

“Yea' date=' I know where Ree is” Night said in a joyful voice okay my mood changed from

 

worried to confusion “who is Ree I asked “oh, sorry that’s what I call Reala and he is in

 

the cell right across from us” she said pointing to the cell across the hall. When I was able

 

to make out what had happened to Reala, he was covered in his own blood and chained

 

up to the walls, his head down, eyes shut and he looked like he was lifeless. “Oh my god

 

what did the Fire Lord do to him?” I asked frightened

 

 

[/quote']

 

It's good, but I'd like to rewrite it if you don't mind :D

 

[spoiler=rewrite]

I glanced away from the window and took a deep breath.

 

“I know about the night of the red moon, because...I’m a moon guardian. My name is Midnight. Now, I have a question for you Nights." no one moved; silence filled the room. "Do you know who Reala is?...” I asked in a worried voice.

 

“Yea, I know where Ree is,” Night said in a joyful voice. My mood changed from worried to confused. “Who is Ree I asked “Oh, sorry, that’s what I call Reala. He's in the cell right across from us,” she said motioning towards the cell across the hall. When I was able to make out what had happened to Reala, I was stricken with grief for him. He was covered in blood, chained to the walls, his head down, eyes shut, and looked like he was lifeless.

 

“Oh my god!...w-what did the Fire Lord do to him?...” I asked frightened. I didn't want to know, but I had to. It might be the only way to help him now.

 

 

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Supreme Gamesmaster Newbie

Supreme Gamesmaster

Posted
Posted

your welcome :) hey can you read this? tell me if it's sad/ creeapy

[spoiler= random parts from my strory]

I looked away from the window and took a deep breath “I know about the night of the red

 

moon because I’m a moon guardian and my name is Midnight now I have a question for

 

you Nights do you know who Reala is or where he is at?” I asked in a worried voice.

 

“Yea' date=' I know where Ree is” Night said in a joyful voice okay my mood changed from

 

worried to confusion “who is Ree I asked “oh, sorry that’s what I call Reala and he is in

 

the cell right across from us” she said pointing to the cell across the hall. When I was able

 

to make out what had happened to Reala, he was covered in his own blood and chained

 

up to the walls, his head down, eyes shut and he looked like he was lifeless. “Oh my god

 

what did the Fire Lord do to him?” I asked frightened

 

 

[/quote']

 

Punctuation.

Spacing.

Sentence structure.

Description.

 

I love the concept (NiGHTS = WiNNAGE), but the spacing, sentence structure, and detail are so lacking it's pathetically monotonous.

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Toxic-skull Newbie

Toxic-skull

Posted
Posted

your welcome :) hey can you read this? tell me if it's sad/ creeapy

[spoiler= random parts from my strory]

I looked away from the window and took a deep breath “I know about the night of the red

 

moon because I’m a moon guardian and my name is Midnight now I have a question for

 

you Nights do you know who Reala is or where he is at?” I asked in a worried voice.

 

“Yea' date=' I know where Ree is” Night said in a joyful voice okay my mood changed from

 

worried to confusion “who is Ree I asked “oh, sorry that’s what I call Reala and he is in

 

the cell right across from us” she said pointing to the cell across the hall. When I was able

 

to make out what had happened to Reala, he was covered in his own blood and chained

 

up to the walls, his head down, eyes shut and he looked like he was lifeless. “Oh my god

 

what did the Fire Lord do to him?” I asked frightened

 

 

[/quote']

 

It's good, but I'd like to rewrite it if you don't mind :D

 

[spoiler=rewrite]

I glanced away from the window and took a deep breath.

 

“I know about the night of the red moon, because...I’m a moon guardian. My name is Midnight. Now, I have a question for you Nights." no one moved; silence filled the room. "Do you know who Reala is?...” I asked in a worried voice.

 

“Yea, I know where Ree is,” Night said in a joyful voice. My mood changed from worried to confused. “Who is Ree I asked “Oh, sorry, that’s what I call Reala. He's in the cell right across from us,” she said motioning towards the cell across the hall. When I was able to make out what had happened to Reala, I was stricken with grief for him. He was covered in blood, chained to the walls, his head down, eyes shut, and looked like he was lifeless.

 

“Oh my god!...w-what did the Fire Lord do to him?...” I asked frightened. I didn't want to know, but I had to. It might be the only way to help him now.

 

 

 

0.0 holy crap! t...that is really good..... um... mind if i use it in my stroy?

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Brendano Harns Rookie

Brendano Harns

Posted
Posted

I don't mind. I could help you with more if you want.

 

EDIT: I found some grammer mistakes in my version.

 

FIXED:

 

I glanced away from the window and took a deep breath.

 

“I know about the night of the red moon, because...I’m a moon guardian. My name is Midnight. Now I have a question for you, Nights." No one moved; silence enveloped the room. "Do you know...Reala?...” I asked worriedly.

 

“Yeah, I know where Ree is,” Night said in a joyful voice. My mood changed from worried to confused.

 

“Who's Ree?"

 

“Oh, sorry, that’s what I call Reala." She paused for a second, as if wanting to forget everything she knew. I questioned myself on why I was thinking like that, but was abruptly intterupted. "He's in the cell right across from us,” she said, motioning towards the cell across the hall. When I was able to make out what seemed to be Reala, I was stricken with grief for him. Covered in blood, chained to the walls, his head down, eyes shut, he looked as if he was lifeless.

 

“Oh my god!...w-what did the Fire Lord do to him?...” I asked, frightened. I didn't want to know, but I had to. It might be the only way to help him now.

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Queen-Dragoon Newbie

Queen-Dragoon

Posted
Posted

Read' date=' Reviewed, and it's an Official Fan Fic of the YCM Writers Guild.

[/quote']

 

I've read the review and I appreciate the high marks. I do have one query. Random battles are a large part of what Pokemon is... the concept of trainers and all that... what would you replace them with if you were writing it?

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Jericho Newbie

Jericho

Posted
Posted

He's a snippet of a story I'm writing.

 

… and that’s when he made a break for it. He rolled under the opening garage door and ran as fast as he could. Only once while escaping did he look back at the suburban establishment that had served as his prison. He ran for the cliff, high above the beach he had once called paradise, but was now restricted from. With all his might, he made one last sprint to the edge of the cliff and jumped out over the water, staring down at the few small boats. He felt like he was flying away, but then he began to dive toward the deep depths of the lake.

 

Don't comment on the over use of pronouns. I've yet to come up with the character's name.

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