End Of The Abyss Posted January 16, 2009 Report Share Posted January 16, 2009 Trigger is more of a story than a fan fiction. I might make it into a book. Be sure to leave feedback. I will attempt to post an episode every Thursday. I cannot promise this, but I'll do my best too. [spoiler=Introduction] Midnight. It was a time where the world was dead in silence, all are resting, saving their energy for the coming morn. Well, almost everyone… There was a gunshot. It speeded toward Keith at top speed. He slid down to the ground and dodged. He reached into the pocket of his leather jacket and pulled out a gun. He turned to the man who had shot at him and he held the gun straight forward. He aimed for the man’s head. He shot twice, and the man dodged the first shot, stepping to the right, but the second bullet pierced his arm. Keith stepped forward as the man feel to the concrete ground. He looked down, gazing with his pitch black eyes. He turned away and walked. He stepped into the moonlight and his blonde hair gleamed. It was brushed back on the top, but hung down near his ears. He had shades on his forehead. His black leather jacket covered his grey T-shirt. He wore blue jeans and black sneakers. He continued to walk. He re-loaded his pistol and placed it back in his jacket. He said nothing. He knew who was after him. Hundreds of men were sent after him. He’s been fighting them off for years. He’s 26 now, and they were sent after him…what, 5 years ago? Day and night, he always had to be alert. He barely slept or ate. He was always moving, avoiding these hitmen. He pulled a cigar of his jeans and lit it. The fire was as bright as the sun. Probably because of the pure darkness that engulfed the planet. He walked several more miles before unlocking a dark blue convertible and stepping into the driver’s seat. He pressed the gas and took off. He drove for miles on end. He left Chicago and drove into the country. He pulled over at a crappy motel and checked in for the night. He knew he wouldn’t be their long, but even five minutes of rest would be fine for him. He stepped into his room and opened up the fridge. He pulled out a cold beer and laid down on the bed. He took a sip and turned on the small television. He put on the news, and watched the terror and horror taking place all over the world at four in the morning. None of them have lives as funked up as mine…He thought. Keith drank his beer and turned off the television. He threw the beer at the wall and the bottle shattered. He tried to sleep, eventually, he fell asleep on the bed. He was awoke by several screams and explosions. He ran to the window, kicked through it, and jumped out. He stayed low to the ground and ran to his convertible. He jumped in and pulled away from the ruins of the motel. He looked back at the carnage one last time before speeding down the highway. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Star Posted January 17, 2009 Report Share Posted January 17, 2009 You might want to work on the detail a little bit lot more, but other than that, it's a good start. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
End Of The Abyss Posted January 17, 2009 Author Report Share Posted January 17, 2009 Thank you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Supreme Gamesmaster Posted January 19, 2009 Report Share Posted January 19, 2009 w00t, the RPer of indeterminate gender has returned. :D This isn't terribly descriptive. Actually, I doubt it's one 5.25" x 8.5" page long. :? So, yeah, while the plot is good, there's no detail to back it up, and hence, the story collapses under its own considerable weight. It's through the details that the messages are sent. Go crazy with the adjectives, adverbs, et cetera. Also, get some variety in your sentence structure. Almost every sentence is "Subject noun - verb - object noun", in that order (or, if someone talks/thinks, "Dialogue - subject noun", though we haven't seen much of that yet).Switch it up some; say, "Verb - subject noun - verb - object noun" (Becoming apprenhensive, Rob pulled his car to a stop).Or, if you really want to get fancy, try this once in a while; it certainly works well for me: "Verb - object noun - subject noun - verb - subordinating conjunction - subject noun - verb - object noun" (Slamming the door shut, Rob dashed away from his car as bullets assailed the metal and glass on the other side).Those are just ones I thought would suit the action-oriented story. Obviously, though, there are countless ways to assemble sentences; just try and find them. Lastly, you don't capitalize after thoughts. They're treated as a different form of dialogue. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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