SuperVegeta258 Posted December 24, 2008 Report Share Posted December 24, 2008 Plot:The villians wanna take over the whole universe with a bunch of money taken.The heros around the world wanna stop them and theres the only one that has strength to grow a army of good to stop them!Star Fox! [spoiler= Heros so far introduced!]1.Fox (colored Gold)2.Falco (colored Blue)3.Pikachu(colored Yellow)4.Diddy Kong(colored Brown)5.Luigi(colored Green) [spoiler=Villians so far introduced!]1.Wolf(colored Grey)2.Bowser(colored Orange)3.Draco[New!](colored Purple)4.Wario(colored light yellow) [spoiler= Chapter One]"You won't leave now I must destroy you and your fellow birdy friend." "Sorry but me and Falco gotta jet."Falco and Fox went running to the Arwing to run away as Wolf was behind them. "not so fast Fox.I-destroyers kill them" Then a bunch of robots came out from the floor. "We got company" "C'mon we can take them." Fox and Falco got there ray guns out.The robots started toward them and punch them.Then Fox went and started to shoot a bunch of the robots and then Falco soared into the sky and twisted and shooted at the same time.The robots we're destroyed. "Ha I will frezze you and take you to my lair." He took out his Ray gun and aimed at fox.Fox however hit Wolf's hand and made a run for it. "See ya later" Then they got in the Arwings and left. On another world.Luigi,Pikachu,and Diddy Kong were fighting a bunch of villians Bowser,Draco,and Wario. The battle ranged on as Diddy Kong attack Draco hiting him in the guts but Draco returned the favor doing a quick finisher finishing Diddy Kong.Pikachu did a thunderbolt but it did nothing he was caught and taaken away by a glass and his electrictiy was gone.Luigi fought but however was captured by Wario. Fox and Falco heard Luigi screamed and went to the world to save them C,mon Falco lets go and save them" "Whatever Fox" They went to the world as behind them we're some other flyers.It was Wolf. "We got company Fox." "Lets take them out." "Your not going to escape now Fox!' The other flyers went behind Fox and Falco shooting them.Falco and Fox made there way around them and shot them making them go down.BOOM!They were destroyed.Fox and Falco made thier way to the world and didn't notice Wolf was behind them. On the other world. "Wheres your brother Mario?" "I don't know?!?" Bowser took out a simalair gun like Wolf's and aimed for Luigi. "Not so fast!" "Falco and Fox made it as Falco took the Gun from Bowser.Then Wolf hit both Falco and Fox. "Not so clever are you Fox?" "Wait for it Falco...Now!" Falco went and grabbed Pikachu and released him.Then so was Diddy Kong. "Ha we will beat you down!" "Bring it on Villians" "Pikapika" "Show us what you got!" "This is for you D.K." "Marioooo!" Please comment and what will happen in Chapter 2?[/color] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SuperVegeta258 Posted December 25, 2008 Author Report Share Posted December 25, 2008 Bump edited Chapter One! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Supreme Gamesmaster Posted December 25, 2008 Report Share Posted December 25, 2008 Four problems, and they're all HUGE. Listed in order from most to least severe. 1. SCRIPT FORMAT. There is no description about anything, at all. We have no effing idea what's going on, nor when, where, how, or why it's happening. Everything is introduced with no description or introduction at all. For example, how in hell do Fox and Falco change worlds? What are the worlds like? How did they get into this mess? How does everyone know each other? How do the worlds interact? You leave us in the dark to all of these things. I know that en media res is an excellent way to write, but you haven't given us any flashbacks to help explain this world, even when they're direly needed. 2. AWFUL GRAMMAR. This one explains itself. Honestly, my nine-year-old brother can do a lot better than this if he tries, as far as conventions go. 3. IT'S SO CHEESY. Power Rangers has more original lines than this; I should know, my other brother is completely obsessed with it. Everything is so linear, predictable, and cliché, it's just plain boring. 4. MAJOR BIAS. Fox and Falco are the only heroes that can do anything. This fact in particular makes me think that this is simply a rather lackluster attempt to promote Star Fox as the best of Nintendo's franchises. If it is, it isn't working; if not, you've got a long way to go before it stops appearing like one. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Toxic-skull Posted December 26, 2008 Report Share Posted December 26, 2008 it's chapter one what do you think will happen~_0 aas the chapters go by it will make more sents. good job on it SuperVegeta258! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SuperVegeta258 Posted December 27, 2008 Author Report Share Posted December 27, 2008 Yea its supossed to flow for now.Thanks Midnight Wolf 16! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Supreme Gamesmaster Posted December 28, 2008 Report Share Posted December 28, 2008 ...Did you even read my critique? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SuperVegeta258 Posted December 30, 2008 Author Report Share Posted December 30, 2008 not all lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TurboTom Posted January 1, 2009 Report Share Posted January 1, 2009 Four problems' date=' and they're all HUGE. Listed in order from most to least severe. 1. SCRIPT FORMAT. There is no description about anything, at all. We have no effing idea what's going on, nor when, where, how, or why it's happening. Everything is introduced with no description or introduction at all. For example, how in hell do Fox and Falco change worlds? What are the worlds like? How did they get into this mess? How does everyone know each other? How do the worlds interact? You leave us in the dark to all of these things. I know that [i']en media res[/i] is an excellent way to write, but you haven't given us any flashbacks to help explain this world, even when they're direly needed. 2. AWFUL GRAMMAR. This one explains itself. Honestly, my nine-year-old brother can do a lot better than this if he tries, as far as conventions go. 3. IT'S SO CHEESY. Power Rangers has more original lines than this; I should know, my other brother is completely obsessed with it. Everything is so linear, predictable, and cliché, it's just plain boring. 4. MAJOR BIAS. Fox and Falco are the only heroes that can do anything. This fact in particular makes me think that this is simply a rather lackluster attempt to promote Star Fox as the best of Nintendo's franchises. If it is, it isn't working; if not, you've got a long way to go before it stops appearing like one. ...Did you even read my critique? not all lol Well you should of done, because Supreme Gamesmaster is absolutly right about those things he said, and even if it is the introduction, you could of at least explained the fights in more detail, what the worlds are rather than just saying "On another World" etc I'm not very impressed with this so far, as not only have you done a poor job with this RP, but you also completly ignored someones advice and feedback, and that is as daft as you can get!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.