Max. Posted November 4, 2008 Report Share Posted November 4, 2008 NOTE:This is my first fan fic so go easy on me. Ch.1 the beginning.... On the dueling field you could see Alan and Liza begining to have a frendly duel while waiting for Zeke and Max (they are brothers),(they didn't know they and a couple of their friends would be sucked into an alterant demention filled with monsters and villans and stuff) ''DUEL'' they said. alan started he said ''Draw,I summon Yang,Fearless Warrior in attack mode! ATK:1600 DEF:1200 and set 2 cards end turn''. Liza said ''I'll start by summoning Aether DreamLord in defence mode!ATK:1400 DEF:1000 and set a face-down. your move'' ''Draw'' alan said ''Yang,Fearless Warrior atta-''Suddenly, Max starts running towards them,screaming Max said ''Help! Zeke has been kidnapped by some guy named Saten! Help meeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!'' suddenly (again) a portal to hell opened up they all said ''That must be where Zeke is kidnapped, let's go'' so they went to hell.......to be continued....Ch.2 a terrible chapter.....The kids stepped out of the portal,and stared at hell, Max said ''So this is hell.'' he stared at spirits screaming and monsters scerching in the spirits .Suddenly a monster grabbed liza she kicked and punching at the horrorafing beast but alas, liza was hit upside the head by a club.The other two tried to get away but they were hit upside to head there worlds went black. Rate fairly! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Master of Shadows Posted November 4, 2008 Report Share Posted November 4, 2008 Ok, you have to use more spaces and stuff. But, good story anyway, so i would say, 5/10 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brittle Ice Posted November 4, 2008 Report Share Posted November 4, 2008 1st-You can do better.2nd-My card!!!Yay!!!^_^ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
.Legend Posted November 4, 2008 Report Share Posted November 4, 2008 Just beaca-use my guy (Zeke) is samll doesnt mean that he sould be kidnapped :( and yah, you could do better. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Max. Posted November 4, 2008 Author Report Share Posted November 4, 2008 Just beaca-use my guy (Zeke) is samll doesnt mean that he sould be kidnapped :( and yah' date=' you could do better.[/quote']He's got REALLY cool part later on. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
.Legend Posted November 4, 2008 Report Share Posted November 4, 2008 :) yay :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zayne13 Posted November 5, 2008 Report Share Posted November 5, 2008 I would stop the he said she said and make it like a play*Example*Boy: Hi there I'm whatever. Girl: Nice to meet you I'm whatever. I also sugest instead of (Walking) to use *Walking* :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Max. Posted November 5, 2008 Author Report Share Posted November 5, 2008 I'll remember that in my NEXT fan fic Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Toxic-skull Posted December 2, 2008 Report Share Posted December 2, 2008 whoa that was very intresting if u made more i would so read it. 10/10 good job on it ^_^ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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