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~{Rising Star}~ -New Chapter Two out!-

Crystal Beast 123

By Crystal Beast 123
in Creative Writing

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Crystal Beast 123 Newbie

Crystal Beast 123

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First of all' date=' this isn't a BAD fan fiction, and I know I've done worse than this (I'm not very good with chapter stories), but there are still some qualms I have with this story's first four chapters (all I've read so far). I think this time it would be best to review this...Weather Report style -

 

Here is my first ever fanfic. So here I go!

Hey' date=' a first try. Unfortunately I shan't go easy on this one.[/color']

[spoiler=Chapter 1]

Chapter 1

 

“Wake up Mark, and I’m not going to tell you again,” Mrs. Nguyen said.

 

Mark rolled out of bed.

Wow. That needed a whole 'nother paragraph? What an intense roll.

Mark Nguyen was a boy of fourteen with long, jet-black hair. Every day, he wore

A boy of fourteen? Fourteen what? I know it's fourteen YEARS, but saying 'boy of fourteen' sounds...medieval or something. He wore what? You just ended the paragraph saying "he wore". Whaaaaa?

the same thing. Baggy jeans and a T-shirt. His attire was laughed at, but he

OHHHH. The SAME THING. These paragraphs are whack, yo. Did you e-mail this to yourself, in which case this can be somewhat forgiven? And, wow. He sleeps in his regular clothes. What a weird kid.

didn’t care.

 

It was the first day of school. Mark bolted down his breakfast, grabbed his

I'm just wondering exactly how you BOLT down breakfast. So it flies into his mouth as he holds it wide open to catch? What an awesome picture.

dueling deck, and speeded out the door.

Speeded? That's the word you use when you're driving too fast. Even then, it's incorrect spelling. So he can already drive? Lucky luck boy.

After he arrived at the dueling school, he chained up his bike and rushed

You can speed on bikes?

through the school gates. He saw a hallway and noticed it was in the 200’s.

So what if they're in the 200's? What does that mean for us?

(He was in room 264.) He quickly found the room.

OHHHH. Fix these paragraphs! I command you!

Mark twisted the doorknob, took a deep breath, and went in.

 

The room was filled with young duelists just like him. Mark saw a girl, a pretty

So she's pretty...and that's it.

girl, talking with all of her friends. She looked at him, and he quickly turned

I'm just gonna say she's a horse. A tall, brown horse.

away.

What a rude horse.

“If you would all sit in a seat, we can begin today’s lesson,” said Mr. Henderson,

I imagine that Mr. Henderson is chopped liver. Of course, he's in a robotic suit.

room 264’s instructor. He passed out Duel Disks while talking. “I would

 

normally say to open your duel guides, but I

What are these duel guides of which you speak? They're fourteen and STILL need duel guides? Is this the special class or something? Because that would explain the horse and the chopped liver.

would rather get to know you all. Can I have a few volunteers?”

 

Only a handful of students actually raised their hands. The girl Mark had saw

 

earlier was one of them.

So the horse has two hands in front of its four legs. That horse creeps me out, man!

“Serene,” he said, pointing to the girl. “And Mark. Would you both come to the

 

front of the class?”

 

Mark was stretching and didn’t know he would be picked.

 

Serene was staring at him. Mark blushed.

“Ready, set, DUEL!!!!!!!!!!!!” Mr. Henderson yelled.

I sense a relationship~ And it's an obvious one, too. Let me guess: Mark wins miraculously, as he does in every one of the early chapters. Whoopdedoo.

The class roared.

Wow. They're ALL ferocious wild animals. Except for Serene. She's a tamed horse.

“What?” Mark thought.

 

Serene looked a bit surprised, too.

I'd be shocked. Why is everyone roaring at them? It must frighten them.

They both strapped on their new Duel Disks and yelled. “Let’s Duel!”

 

They both drew five cards.

 

Mark: 8000

Serene: 8000

 

“I take the initiative. Draw!” said Serene.

Uhh...do fourteen-year-olds really talk like that?

“I play Crystal Beast Amethyst Cat in attack mode!” (ATK: 1200)

I forget what she looks like! So what am I, chopped liver? NO. That's Mr. Henderson's job.

“I’ll also play a face-down card and end my turn.”

 

Mark drew. “I play Flame Dragon in attack mode!” (ATK: 1800)

 

“Attack with Flame Dragon!”

This doesn't deserve a new paragraph.

A prodigious sphere of flame flew out of the dragon’s mouth toward the cat.

 

It was blasted into oblivion.

THAT didn't deserve a new paragraph either.

Mark: 8000

Serene: 7400

 

“You activated my cat’s special ability!” Serene said.

 

“It will move to my Spell and Trap card Zone as a Continuous Spell Card. All

 

other Crystal Beasts have this effect. It’s my turn.”

 

Serene drew her card. She smiled. “I play Crystal Beast Sapphire Pegasus!”

 

(ATK: 1800) “It allows me to put from my deck one Crystal Beast monster in my

 

Spell and Trap Card Zone. I choose another Pegasus!”

 

“Now there are two of them in her Spell and Trap Card Zone.” thought Mark.

 

“What is she going to do with them?”

Fix these wacky paragraphs. Plox.

“I activate Crystal Promise!” Serene yelled. “With this I can Special Summon a

 

Crystal Beast monster from my Spell and Trap Card Zone to the field. I choose

 

Sapphire Pegasus! When my Sapphire Pegasus is Summoned, I get to get another

 

Crystal Beast to my Spell and Trap Card Zone! I will add a Crystal Beast Topaz

 

Tiger,” Serene said.

Serene must love to explain her monsters' abilities. SHE'S SAID THAT ONE TWICE!

“I am safe from her attacks,” Mark thought. “Unless……….”

What about I'M safe!?

“I’ll attack with my first Pegasus!” Serene said.

No expression? No screaming or squelching? Man, that horse is bland.

Flame Dragon: ATK 1800. Crystal Beast Sapphire Pegasus: ATK 1800.

 

With an explosion, both creatures died.

Don't they just shatter into a million pieces? Dying is too harsh.

“Now it goes to my Spell and Trap Card Zone,” Serene said smugly.

 

“I’ll also attack you directly!”

 

“Agghhhhh….” Mark said.

She declares it, but no animation of the holograms happens. Yet Mark says "Agghhhhh...." Does he have a stomachache or something?

Mark: 6200

Serene: 7400

 

Mark drew a card. “I activate Monster Reborn, reviving Flame Dragon!

 

he won’t be around much longer, though,” Mark smirked. “I sacrifice Flame

Be wise! CAPITALIZE!

Dragon in order to summon Thestalos, the Firestorm Monarch!” (ATK: 2400)

 

“With his special ability, I discard a card from your hand and you take damage

 

equal to that monster’s Level x100!”

x100 should be TIMES 100.

Mark chose a card, and by the look on her face, he had nailed a key card.

 

She was forced to discard Level 10 Hamon, Lord of Striking Thunder.

HA! Those Nguyens always choose the darndest cards.

1000 Life Points sizzled away.

 

Mark: 6200

Serene: 6400

 

“Before I attack, I’ll use Mystical Space Typhoon on Topaz Tiger!” Mark yelled.

For those of you who forget what that does, you are now chopped liver.

“Now I’ll attack your Sapphire Pegasus!” It went to the Spell and Trap card Zone.

 

Mark: 6200

Serene: 5800

“End turn!” Mark felt like he had the upper hand, and he did.

 

Serene drew a card, and her gloomy expression suddenly lightened.

 

“I activate Monster Reincarnation! By discarding one card from my hand, I get a

 

monster from my graveyard to my hand. And the one I choose can be

 

summoned by tributing three Continuous Spell Cards on my side of the field.”

 

“Wait, no way, could it…………..” Mark thought.

 

“I choose Hamon, Lord of Stiking Thunder!!!!!” (ATK: 4000) Serene yelled

Stiking Thunder? Whaaaaa?

triumphantly.

 

The class oohed and ahhed at the ferocious Sacred Beast.

 

“Hamon, attack!” Thestalos was stuck by lightning and immediately

 

disinagrated.

It's DISINTEGRATED.

Mark: 3800

Serene: 5800

 

“Why did I take 1000 extra damage?” Mark asked.

 

“Because of Hamon’s special ability,” Serene said. “When he destroys a monster,

 

you take 1000 extra damage.”

 

“My turn.” Mark drew a card.

 

“I play Fire Wall of the Ancients in Defense mode. (DEF: 2100)

 

“I’ll also play a face-down card.”

 

“Now it’s my turn,” Serene said. “I play Fairy Meteor Crush on Hamon!”

 

“Oh, no…..” Mark thought.

 

“Now when Hamon attacks, all the difference of my ATK over your DEF will be

 

inflicted to you! Hamon, attack!! And don’t forget his special effect.”

 

Mark: 900

Serene: 5800

 

“Draw,” said Mark. “Sorry, Serene! I’m ‘gonna wrap this up! Activate Premature

 

Burial to bring Thestalos back!”

 

Mark: 100

Serene: 5800

 

“So what?” Serene said. “Hamon is more than a match for Thestalos.”

 

“Not when I sacrifice him for the Great Maju Garzett!!!!” Mark yelled.

 

Great Maju Garzett ATK: 4800

 

“What? A 6-star with 4800 ATK??!!?!” Serene stared in disbelief.

What? She doesn't know Great Maju Garzett? I guess horses really can't play card games.

My Great Maju Garzett’s ATK points are the sacrificed monster’s ATK, but

 

doubled!” Mark grinned. “Great Maju Garzett, ATTACK!”

 

A slimy ball of sludge flew at Hamon. Serene knew nothing in her deck could

 

stop this beast. The mire hit Hamon square in the chest.

 

Mark: 100

Serene: 5000

 

Mark was motivated. “Come on! It’s your turn!”

 

Serene didn’t even need to draw a card to play her turn. She placed her hand

 

over her deck. (Placing your hand over your deck is a way of surrendering)

Yeah, AS WE JUST FOUND OUT IN THE NEXT SENTENCE.

“I surrender.”

 

Mark: 100

Serene:0

HA! Of course. Because Mark is a special kid. Or else she just likes him.

 

 

[spoiler=Chapter 2]

Chapter 2

 

“And the winner is Mark!” Mr. Henderson said.

 

The class applauded the great duel.

 

Mark didn’t believe it.

He thought he was too stupid to win against a horse in a duel.

“Serene still had a chance,” Mark thought. “Why did she surrender?”

 

That question burned into his brain until the end of school, when Mark

 

finally got the courage to ask.

 

Serene answered, “You won, isn’t that enough for you?”

 

“No, it’s not! If you threw the game, I want a rematch!” Mark said.

 

“Hmph,” Serene said. She walked away.

 

Mark rode home on his bicycle, infuriated for winning a fake duel.

That infuriates him? He must be a problem child. ANGER ISSUES.

When his mom asked, “How was school, honey?” he answered “Good.”

 

Later that night, Mark was thinking, “why would Serene surrender?”

He was already thinking about that. He's still a problem child. ANGER ISSUES.

He mulled that question over for quite some time. He finally fell asleep.

 

The next day at school, Mark asked again. Serene still wouldn’t answer.

 

He gave up after a week of pestering.

 

One day at school, Mark was buying lunch. Marvin Lukinson, the

 

class bully, tapped him on the shoulder. Instinctively, Mark looked to see

 

who wanted to talk with him. However, it wasn’t a he. Or a she. It was a

 

fist. It hit him smack in the face. Mark was thrown to the ground. Marvin

TELL THE FREAKING CHOPPED LIVER. PUNCH HIM BACK. ANYTHING IS BETTER THAN FALLING TO THE GROUND AND NOT DOING ANYTHING ABOUT IT.

stole his lunch money and walked away. “He’s out like a light,” Marvin

 

sniggered with all his other bulky friends. Marvin was just going to use

 

the money when…………………………………………………….

SO MANY DOTS! And then........................I'M TIRED OF WAITING! TELL US ALREADY!

“I’ll duel you for that money!” Mark had gotten up.

 

“Sure, but do you know what you’re getting yourself into?” Marvin asked.

 

Mark ignored him. “The rules are simple: I win, I get my money back. You

 

win,……what do you want?”

 

Marvin said, “I get your deck.” Mark flinched. His own deck? His own

 

hand-crafted deck? “It’s not worth it,” Mark said.

 

“Fine then,” Marvin said. “I will repay every kid I stole from, and give them

 

one rare card each. Also, I will never bully again.”

 

Mark hesitated. “Fine!”

So if Mark wins, he gets the money. If he loses, Marvin NEVER BULLIES HIM AGAIN and gives everyone a RARE CARD. Huh. Which should I choose? (loses on purpose) Marvin: Ha ha! I win! Wait, what? I'm also going to imagine Marvin as Marvin the Martian. Since that's the only Marvin I know.

“Let’s Duel!”

 

Mark: 8000

Marvin: 8000

 

“I will go first,” Mark said. “Draw!”

 

“I play Red Pyromancer, in attack mode!” (ATK: 1500)

We are still chopped liver.

“I’ll also play a facedown.

 

“My turn,” Marvin yells. Activate Double Summon! I summon Kuriboh, and

 

now sacrifice it for Lava Battleguard!” (ATK: 1550)

 

“What a weak monster,” Mark thought. “For one sacrifice?”

 

“I know what you’re thinking,” Marvin said. “But too bad for you, my Lava

 

Battleguard gains 500 ATK for every other Lava Battleguard on the field,

 

including itself!” Lava Battleguard ATK: 2050.

 

“Whoa,” Mark said.

He is in awe of a Metal Raiders card. Without good reason! I know if I saw a Cyber Stein, my mouth would most likely be closed.

“Attack!” Marvin yelled.

 

The Lava Battleguard clubbed the Pyromancer with his thorny club.

Clubbed with a club. Well, duh.

Mark: 7450

Marvin: 8000

 

“When my Red Pyromancer goes to the Graveyard, I can draw a card,”

 

Mark said. “My turn.”

 

Mark analyzed Marvin and the situation.

 

“His deck is obviously a beatdown, probably revolving around

 

Battleguards,” Mark thought.

And he is obviously a martian.

“I play Fire Wall of the Ancients, in defense mode!” (DEF: 2100)

 

“He has just enough defense points to survive,” Mark thought.

 

“I play Monster Reborn, to bring Red Pyromancer back from YOUR

 

Graveyard to MY field!” Marvin smiled. “Now I sacrifice it to play another

Marvin has a mouth? That scares me.

Lava Battleguard!” Both Lava Battleguards: ATK: 2550

 

“Before I attack, I activate Mystical Space Typhoon!”

 

“My facedown is gone!” Mark exclaimed.

Show, don't tell. Who says "My facedown is gone!" after an MST? Mark, and only Mark.

“Attack!” His wall was destroyed and he took a direct hit.

 

Mark: 4900

Marvin: 8000

 

“I play Flame Dragon in Defense Mode!” Mark said. (DEF: 1600)

 

“Draw,” Marvin said.

 

“I play Lava Minion in Attack Mode!” (ATK: 1300) “And I’ll play a facedown

I am still chopped liver.

card.”

 

“Attack!” Flame Dragon died by the prickly club.

 

“And two direct attacks!”

 

Mark: 1050

Marvin: 8000

 

“My t-turn,” Mark stuttered. He drew his card. It was nothing that could

 

save him. He should surrender, he thought.

 

He moved his arm to place it on the deck. Just before he did………..

 

“Mark!” He turned. It was Serene.

 

“Don’t surrender! You’ve still got a chance!” Serene yelled.

 

“Tell that to yourself,” Mark smiled weakly, remembering their previous

 

duel.

 

Serene thought for a few seconds, then said, “The reason I surrendered

 

was because I was scared. Scared of losing. Before this, I had never lost a

 

duel.” Serene had tears in her eyes. “And just because I surrendered,

 

doesn’t mean you should too!”

Wow. That's kind of a lame reason to surrender. At least it's not as lame as...LOVE. <3

“Okay!” Mark was determined.

 

Mark: 1050

Marvin: 8000

Didn't we see this before?

This was it. The final draw. Could he do it?

 

“Draw!” Mark yelled. He glanced at his card.

 

“I play three cards facedown,” Mark said. “And end my turn.”

 

“Draw,” Marvin smirked.

 

“Play Pot of Greed.” Hand: 4

 

“Now I sacrifice Lava Minion to play Swamp Battleguard!” (ATK: 1800)

 

“Swamp Battleguard gains 500 ATK for every Lava Battleguard on my

field.” Swamp Battleguard ATK: 2800

 

“Now I play Gift of the Martyr!”

 

“What does that do?” Mark asked.

 

“By sacrificing Lava Battleguard, I can add his ATK to Swamp Battleguard’s

 

ATK! Now go!” Swamp Battleguard ATK: 4850

 

“Now play one more Gift of the Martyr!” Swamp Battleguard ATK: 6400

 

“Attack!!!!!!”

 

“Activate trap card Magic Cylinder! Now you will take 6400 damage!”

 

“Not so fast, I play Seven Tools of the Bandit! By paying 1000 Life Points,

 

your card will die!”

 

“Not if I have another trap………Seven Tools of the Bandit!” Mark yelled

 

triumphantly.

 

“What?!!??” Marvin said.

 

“Now Magic Cylinder will go through!”

 

Mark: 50

Marvin: 1600

 

“Now it’s my turn!” Mark said.

 

“Swamp Battleguard’s ATK fades back to normal……..” Marvin said,

 

stunned.

 

“I play Monster Reborn on Lava Battleguard!” (ATK: 2050)

 

“You fool! When Lava Battleguard is on my field, he gains 500 ATK!”

Yep. Saying "You fool!" is definetly something Marvin the Martian would declare. Hardly anyone else these days would, though.

Marvin said, gesturing at Swamp Battleguard.

 

“Too bad for you…….” Mark said coolly, “He’s on my side of the field!!!!!!”

 

“Summon Fire Lancer in attack mode!” Mark said. (ATK: 1400)

 

“Lava Battleguard, Attack!” Swamp Battleguard was killed.

 

Mark: 50

Marvin: 1350

 

“Now, Fire Lancer, hit him!”

 

Mark: 50

Marvin: 0

 

“It’s over, you jerk,” Mark said, taking back his money.

Then Mark thought to himself, If only I'd have lost...that would have helped me more in the long run. I'm such an idiot. :D

 

 

[spoiler=Chapter 3]

Chapter 3

 

Later that night, Mark lay in bed, thinking about his duel with Marvin.

 

“I did well,” he thought. He rolled over and fell asleep.

 

The next day at school was normal. The bell rang for class to be out.

 

Everyone ran home, but Mark stayed to study a bit, for they were having a

 

test the next day. “Counter Traps cannot be Chained on, unless it is

 

another Counter Trap, because it is a Speed Spell 3, no 4…...” Mark

 

muttered under his breath. He couldn’t take it any more. He closed his

 

book and stood up. He looked outside of the window.

 

“Whoa,” he said aloud, even though no one was there to hear it.

 

It was dusk. “I’d better ride home, fast!” Mark exclaimed.

An idiot he is. He stayed THAT long. Take a book and study at home!

He hopped on his bike and pedaled at top speed. Suddenly, a rope flew

 

out of nowhere. It got caught in the spokes of the wheel and Mark

 

crashed. “Owww…” Mark said, touching his cut. He got up and saw a

 

cloaked figure right next to him. The man swiftly chopped at Mark’s

 

neck. He blacked out.

*karate chop* Ow! My Adam's Apple! *faints*

He awoke 4 hours later in a dark alley. His neck throbbed. It was 10:00

 

P.M. “What the….!” Mark said. His mother was strapped against a wall,

 

trying to break free. Mark rushed to her aid. The cloaked figure appeared

 

out of thin air and blocked his route. “What do you want from me??!!!??!?”

 

Mark screamed. “You and your mother’s soul…” the cloaked figure said in

 

a cracked voice. “Why?” Mark carefully asked. “The Almighty One needs

 

some fresh souls..” he replied, then added, “The only way out of here,” He

 

held out a card. “Is through me.” Mark knew what he had to do. Mark

 

hesitated. “Fine…….” Mark said quietly.

 

“What did you say?” the cloaked figure urged.

 

“I said, fine!” Mark yelled. “If I lose, you get both of our souls!”

 

Mrs. Nguyen fainted. “But if I win, you will tell me about this “Almighty

 

One”, and you will never bother us again!”

 

“Sure, I’ll do that,” the cloaked man said. “If you can beat me!”

In this world, whenever someone's life is in jeopardy, they simply ask for a duel to set them free. FOR SOME STUPID REASON, it's usually accepted by the criminal. That must be why the crime rate in Domino City is so low...

“Let’s Duel!”

 

Mark: 8000

??????: 8000

 

“By the way, my name is Xavier, if that makes your dueling any easier,”

 

Xavier ragged.

It doesn't.

“Shut up and let’s duel,” Mark said, disgusted. “I’ll go first,” Mark said,

 

“Play Blue Pyromancer in Defense Mode!” (DEF: 1500) “End turn with a

 

facedown.”

 

“My turn,” Xavier stated. “I play Beige, Vanguard of Dark World in Attack

 

Mode.” (ATK: 1600)

 

“Attack!” Xavier yelled.

 

The Blue Pyromancer was slashed into sashimi.

He turned into a fish, then was slashed into tasty bite-sized pieces.

“His special ability means that you discard a card!” Mark said, confidently.

 

“Go ahead, and choose one,” Xavier said, holding out his hand.

 

“The one on the far right!” Mark said, hoping for his best card.

 

“Good choice, it’s my best card,” Xavier said. “It’s a Dark World card, and

 

you know what happens when a Dark World monster is sent to the

 

Graveyard from your hand……” Mark cringed.

 

“I can Special Summon it!!!!!” Xavier finished.

 

“I Special Summon Reign-Beaux, Overlord of Dark World!” (ATK: 2500)

 

“I use his Special Ability!” Mark’s trap card blew up.

 

“Attack, Reign-Beaux!”

 

Mark: 5500

Xavier: 8000

 

“My turn,” Mark said. He drew. “By discarding Thestalos, the Firestorm

 

‘Monarch, I can Special Summon The Tricky!” (ATK: 2000)

For those of you who don't know what The Tricky looks like, you are still chopped liver.

“Next I play Rush Recklessly! It adds 700 ATK to The Tricky!” (ATK: 2700)

 

“Attack Reign Beaux!”

 

“Agghhhh….” Xavier moaned.

He has a habit of moaning...what? He's a problem child. More like a zombie in disguise...

Mark: 5500

Xavier: 7800

 

“I’ll end,” Mark said. The Tricky: ATK 2000.

 

“Draw,” Xavier said. “Yes! Set one card facedown. End turn.”

 

“Draw,” Mark said. “I summon Flame Dragon!” (ATK:1800)

 

“Double Attack!”

 

“Not so fast, I activate my Trap Card, Fine!”

 

“Ohhh, crap,” Mark thought.

 

“I get to discard two cards!” Xavier yelled. “I’ll choose……….”

 

“Silva, Warlord of Dark World, and Goldd, Wu-lord of Dark World!”

How do they look? Chopped liver.

(Silva: ATK: 2300/Goldd: ATK: 2300)

 

“I won’t attack then…….” Mark said, dismayed.

 

“My turn! Attack!”

 

Both of Mark’s monsters were killed instantly.

 

Mark: 4700

Xavier: 7800

 

“My turn,” Mark said. “I set one facedown, and end my turn.”

 

“Draw,” Xavier said. “Attack!”

 

Mark: 100

Xavier: 7800

 

“My t-turn,” Mark stuttered. “Draw. Set another facedown. End.”

He has a habit of stuttering...what? He had a traumatic experience at age four.

“Draw,” Xavier said. “ATTACK!!!!!”

 

“Reverse card open,” Mark said. “Mirror Force!”

 

The attack was rejected and sent back at the monsters.

 

KABAM! They both detonated.

What detonated? What bombs? And if it's the mirror, mirrors don't detonate. Who attacked?

“Now it’s my turn! Draw!” Mark said. “Activate Monster Reborn! Bring back

 

Thestalos!” (ATK: 2400)

 

“Sacrifice him for………Great Maju Garzett!!!” (ATK: 4800)

 

“He’s not enough to defeat me,” Xavier laughed.

 

“Yeah, not until I activate my facedown, Megamorph! When I have lower

 

Life Points, one monster on my side of the field’s ATK doubles!”

 

Great Maju Garzett: ATK: 9600

 

“Attack!!!!!” Mark yelled.

 

Mark: 100

Xavier: 0

 

“It’s over, give it up,” Mark said.

 

“Alright, alright,” Xavier said. “I’ll tell you…………………………..

He waits for ten minutes until the answer finally comes to him. Then he continues.

 

 

[spoiler=Chapter 4]

Chapter 4

 

“The Almighty One is the foundation of all evil in this world,”

 

Xavier elucidated. “He’s a bloodthirsty fiend.” Mark listened

Ooh, elucidated. Fancy word. Too bad I don't know what the heck it means. And I thought I knew a lot of words! Way to make me feel less intelligent.

attentively. “I actually was forced to battle you, not that I

 

wanted to kill you,” Xavier reassured him.

Which reminds me, Mark bet both of their LIVES in a CARD GAME. What? He has gambling issues.

Should I trust him? Mark contemplated. He might have useful

 

information. “My master will have my head for this,” Xavier

 

smiled. “Goodbye Mark, and next time we meet, you won’t be

 

so lucky.” Suddenly, Xavier’s body dissolved. Mark watched in

 

perplexity.

 

Mark’s mother was able to move again, and they walked home,

 

too tired to talk. They both went to bed without a word.

 

“Mark!” yelled Mrs. Nguyen. “Mark!” Mark blinked. Sunlight

 

pierced through his drapes on his windows. He suddenly

 

recalled the previous night’s events. It seemed it had never

 

happened, but it had. He sat up, and dozily responded “Yeah?”

 

“Get up! It’s time for school!” Oh, crap. School. He had

 

completely forgotten. School started at 8:15. It was 8:10. Mark

 

threw his clothes on and grabbed a banana and ate it on his

 

bike, during the red lights. He was 5 minutes late. Not too

 

shabby. Mr. Henderson was straight-forward this morning.

 

“Today, class, by request of the principal we will hold an

 

extra-curricular tournament in our class. But it’s not just any

 

tournament,” Mr. Henderson grinned. “It’s a tag-team

 

tournament.” The room was silent until one boy asked, “How

 

will partners be decided?” Mr. Henderson replied, “Good

 

question. The partners will be randomly decided by. . . . this!!”

 

An electronic board in the back of the class read:

 

 

 

Mark/Serene | Bobby/Marisa | Kevin/Rene | Udonis/Sarah.

 

There was more names, but this half was the only part that mattered.

THEY CAN AFFORD THT STUFF. Well, it's plausible, seeing as Yu-Gi-Oh GX was as unplausible.

Mark could not believe it, but the board clearly read

 

“Mark/Serene.” Serene looked at him, but he couldn’t return

HA!!!!!Kids get into the darndest romantic situations.

the glance. “Well,” Mr. Henderson said. “How about we kick it

 

off with. . . .Mark Nguyen and Serene Jowgen versus Bobby

 

Court and Marisa Edmonson!!”

A human and a horse versus a llama and a humpback whale!

Before rising from his seat, Mark slipped two cards into his

 

deck. All four of them bellowed, “Let’s Duel!”

Yeah, especially the whale. She can really bellow.

Overall, what this story REQUIRES is more description and AWESOMER PARAGRAPHING. Some things aren't as explained as I would have hoped. I also predict that Serene and Mark will go on some sort of awesome quest, maybe even along with another male character. I DID get a kick out of knowing hat Marvin was a martian and thee was a humpback whale in the classroom. I'm not attached to any of the characters as of yet, because Mark bet LIVES on a duel, Serene is so afraid of losing, and Marvin is an idiotic bully. I hope you describe more in the future. :U

 

Well, now that you point out the gaping plotholes, I should explain things better. I think I'm going to remake it, with better paragraphing and desciption.

 

Veteran readers, bear with me. As of now, Rising Star is in a complete remake.

 

Crystal Beast 123

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Crystal Beast 123

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Alright' date=' thanks Nazello! I might have the next few chapters up pretty quick.

[/quote']

 

That's good to hear. That way this thread won't go over to the next page

Yeah. Whenever a thread is on the second page, it gets about zero posts.

 

that is why it is necessary to keep it on page 1

Yeah.

 

Anyway, I should have the remade Chapter one out tonight.

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