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Bahamut - Envoy of the End Newbie

Bahamut - Envoy of the End

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*sits in the middle of YCM with a microphone in hand, arms resting on my knees and staring around with a slightly heavy expression*

 

....My name is Matt Bahamut. And I have something to say, that some of you may have suspected has been coming for a while now.... (You might want to make yourselves comfortable at this point, because as usual with me, this is quite long.)

 

...I’ve been here for a long time. I joined nearly three years ago - initially as most people do - for the card-maker, and first posted here on the forum to display a frankly terrible fusion based archetype based on Dante and the seven sins. (Wow, feels like forever ago now.) Since then I have drifted from section to section; realistic cards, contests, clubs and organizations, multimedia, and settling largely for written cards near the end. And every so often I’ve made a contribution to those sections. Maybe.

 

Then we come to the Creative Writing section *wry smile*. This is where I’ve felt most at home here. This is where I discovered some stories that captivated me, and because of them that one day I decided on a complete whim that it might be fun to try and write one of my own. It’s where I discovered I could do something that I had never done before. This whim of an idea - the story and the characters that would play it out - suddenly exploded in my head and into life, and a piece of fun fiction that I honestly didn’t really expect to last five minutes suddenly turned into a full scale fantasy adventure. And people liked it. And they followed it and wanted more. And I wanted more. The lives of these characters I’d created were now suddenly captivating and important to me, moving me forward to find out for myself where they would be at the end I had never even thought about, and I felt everything they went through as I imagined they did. And so did the people reading it. The lives of those characters: Juruo, Hikari, Dravir, Sabin, Yuma, Melanc... and Erin..., they made people smile and gasp and cry. The connection and the impact those characters made was just... I can only say it was incredible, and I achieved something that apparently not many people here have ever done; in that the story I’d dreamed up, on a half-cooked whim, actually reached a proper ending. And then unbelievably, I did it again with another story. The heavily planned Yu-Gi-Oh! 24; a totally different approach to the ‘made up as it went along’ of Armageddon, came out. That planning made it less of a personal adventure, without the same feel of discovery, but it did have its plus points of creating a complex plot with many characters. Overly complex, but never mind. It was still for the large part enjoyable and was liked by lots more people; and the lives and trials of the guys in that story hopefully also touched a few people and gave them a good story. It was a lot harder that time, as people are aware, but again the story did, eventually, reach the completion that I had set out for and met the goals I’d set. But it was very, very strenuous to do.

 

Which brings me onto the dark side of me, my persona, and my time here. All those things I’ve done on this site, they were in the early stages. More recently, over the last 8-12 months, the main thing I’ve been doing here is spamming the forum status bar with hysterical, maniacal rage and depression. Which has quite rightly got on a lot of people’s nerves, and upset others. A lot of people have tried to help, and I appreciate the efforts they made, but I can’t honestly say I’ve helped myself. Every set back in my life has sent me scurrying back into a ball in the corner into a shaking, screaming wreck, and now the first thing I do when I get into this state of despair... is come on YCM to vent and lash out. And... Well I’ve been doing this for so long now that now it feels like... well I can only describe it as that when I come on YCM, because of the misery and anger I’ve associated with it, I have created a toxic environment in my head that is connected to this place. This is where I have come to rage and cry and scream and nothing else, so when I docome on feeling good and just to read or talk to people, I immediately feel down just by being here. I have done a lot of stupid things wrong here, I have nothing more positive to contribute to this site, and I’ve created this dark place in my head... So now, for my own sanity, I have to leave.

 

I need to go away to try and break this cycle I’ve got myself stuck in by continually coming here to indulge in this selfish and crippling depression, and focus on other things in my life. I want to go away and dedicate more to my martial arts training and getting fit again. To focus more on family and friends around me, and also the relationship I hope to develop with a remarkable person I’ve met which, unless I can sort myself out, is not going to happen. And to try and break out of this plaguing depression. Again.

 

I’m not saying that I’m never going to come back here. I would love, absolutely love, to come back here one day in a clear state of mind and in a happy and stable place in my life again. Maybe for just a flying visit over Christmas to see how everyone is doing or something like that. But it would only be a visit. I’ll never be a major member of this place long term again, and as long as I’m still vulnerable to the demons in my head, I’m not coming back. I don’t know what will happen after this. I might pop back in a few months, a year, or I might never be seen here again if I don’t recover. If that’s the way it will be, that’s unfortunately how it will be. I hope I come back, as it will mean I have got better...

 

Either way, I just want to say that.... despite all that I’ve turned this place in my head into in the end, I am glad I found this place. Here I have had a lot of fun at times, and been involved in some good things. Here I’ve discovered new parts of myself, as well as some amazing people who I have met. People who have guided me when I needed help, looked after me or kept me company when I was down, or have made me smile and laugh when I was up. There have been a lot of people I’ve met here who have been amazing, and some of them have become very special to me and will stay with me forever. I want to pay tributes to those people, and let them know how important they are and how much they mean:

  • Dion. When I first went into Creative Writing, I was a bit overwhelmed by everything I looked at. Even the rubbish stuff looked great to me. But then I found a story that was so gripping, and so exciting, well it just blew me away. It was your story. And it inspired me to try writing myself, and we all know what happened then. But it happened because I asked for your help, and you guided me with great feedback and advice with both Armageddon as a reader and as my beta for 24. I know I’ve been a right mule sometimes, but I respect you so much. You are my idol, and you are such an amazing person otherwise. I wish I’d been better help for you than I have been, and I hope things work out for you and we keep in touch. And finish Dead Zone for god’s sake! :P

 

  • Cinnabon. I was going to only do people here I know the real names of, but you mean a lot and I respect it if you don’t want to tell me just for this. But I’m still gonna mention you here. You’ve been lovely and kind and patient with me. Your bubbly and chirpy personality is so infectious. Even when I’ve been a moron and a pain, you’ve been nice to me. And got me to come out and tried to involve me in things and events to get me to cheer up. And you’ve helped me with events. And your clubs are awesome. And you’re very sweet. You’re just the loveliest, most charming lady I’ve met here.

 

  • Tom. I’ve not known you for as long as the others mentioned here, but you’ve been pretty incredible talking to. You’ve sat me down and talked to me when I’ve needed help, even though what I’m going through is nothing compared to you. You’ve been a great supporter and helper with writing YGO24, and you’ve been such a supportive friend. I liked your story as well. I hope things settle down for you and you can achieve happiness too.

 

  • Rodrigo. Yeah, yeah, we all know that Rodrigo is still going to read this forum as an unregistered guest no matter how many times you ban him, so I can say this. Not that I really need to since he knows, but anyway, Rodrigo. You are so special to me, more than I could ever describe. I have been a total jerk to you sometimes, because I got in this state and didn’t know what to think, but you never let me go. You never abandoned me no matter what. You have protected me and made me feel genuinely loved, in a way that no-one else has ever made me feel. I was so happy. I’ll always have a place in my heart for you. Genuinely.

 

  • Masha. Ah, my lovely Masha. Glomp! :D I’ve left you til last because I’ve know you the longest, and because you’re the best friend I’ve made here. Really. We’ve talked so much, sometimes about serious things, sometimes about random funny nothings at all. It was all fun, and it all meant a lot. And you’ve looked after me in my darkest, most desperate states of despair when I needed help, and you’ve dragged me, kicking and screaming sometimes but still you stuck to it, and made me calm down or see sense. I’ve burdened you with a lot of crap, but you just took it all regardless and stuck with me. Thank you so much for that. But it’s not been all bad either. We’ve had some great talks too. I think we’d have been great friends if we grew up together, maybe. You’re a thoroughly brilliant person. Thank you for being and continuing to be my great friend. I promise I’ll try to talk to you more in future.

There are so many other people I want to mention, people like 5D’s, Tomtekorv, Lexadin, Umbra, Dae,  Miror, Dante, Demmy, Final Fan, Jester, Black Fang, Spoon, Corona, Fusion, Agro, Tommo, Spike, Lunar, Evilfusion, Skizo, Rai, British, Yin, Koko... and even more I probably can’t remember. There’s too many.

 

Well, I think that covers everything, in what has taken me hours to write and is probably the longest post in this section ever. But I felt I needed it because I wanted to do this and myself justice by getting everything out, because this place has been a major part of my life. I know that probably sounds silly, but it has. The experiences gone through here and the people I’ve met, good and bad, they’ve been pretty incredible. Writing this leaving speech as it’s suddenly turned out as I read it back has made me feel so emotional because I’ve not going to have these good feelings anymore that I’ve had here. Yeah I could have rant and highlight the bad things about this place because there’s a bloody ton of things I could and have ranted about, but I don’t really want to do that. It wouldn’t be right, since really, most of things here have been more than I could have expected when I started. In the same way it doesn’t feel completely right to make my last post here. I will do that in the place I’ve felt most bipolicly low and high, in my home section in Creative Writing. To respond to all the nice comments that I’ve received since I first announced to readers of my fiction that I was leaving, and close the thread - and my time here off. I just wanted this to show my feelings for all of you, and show how I really feel. To apologise for all the awful crap I’ve spouted and that I’ve done. To let everyone know that I have enjoyed being here, and hope for the most part that I’ve done alright as a proud and humble member of this forum.

 

I love you all. And I’m sorry. But everything must pass in the end, and my time has long since passed. Now I need to go.

 

Goodbye.

 

*stands up, puts the mic down, and slowly walks backwards out of YCM towards the exit, staring out at all the members*

 

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Aerion Brightflame Newbie

Aerion Brightflame

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Firstly thank ye. Twas my pleasure knowing you after all, even through the bad and the good, it's kinda been a leveler on both our parts methinks.

 

Secondly. You should know you won't get forgotten. Partially because of all the good you've done for the site (I mean you pracitcally kept a section alive), partially because of all the friends you've made. And partially because I intend to steal your avatars as things go along. Mostly the first two. In fact definitely the first two.

 

Thirdly, I'm kinda bad at goodbyes. Particularly to people that have mattered to me. I can say that you are probably the reason I've actually stuck around here, and that it'll be weird without you here. But I understand how important sorting out your life is right now, and I can only wish you the best of luck, and hope for your happiness and success. Because I know that you deserve a great life. And that one day you'll manage to find one. And I think everyone here shares that feeling.

 

If we see you again, we'll see ya. And if not well... It was a pleasure knowing you. And no being to much of an idiot now.

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