Yu-Gi-Oh GX: The Crying Comet

[keyblademaster20]

Prologue

The wind picked up, snow fell against the glass door, and cries of sadness could be heard from the room. The sound of many zippers could be heard. I was packing, packing to leave forever. Tears dripped down my face as my parents started shouting about how bad I was. I was always blamed when they got into a fight and now I couldn’t take it I was leaving for good.

 

I threw piles of my old clothes everywhere trying to find my piggy bank with my $202 bucks I had saved for years. I couldn’t find it and looked under my bed and I found it! It was a purple like pig with advertisements for a company that my parents worked at.

 

‘I can finally be away from this loneliness I can finally be free.’ I thought.

 

I picked up my pack and looked out the glass door thinking of my own freedom. Tears dripped down my face as I watched the snow fall and my parents’ shouts. I walked out the door in between my shouting parents and walked into the cold snow.

 

I heard more shouts from my parents as I walked I even heard footsteps behind me. I didn’t look back hearing my parents’ shouts and complaints to return. I looked at the sky knowing I was never going to return then walked ahead on a white snowy path.

 

 

~ End of Prologue ~

 

This is an OC's point of view so please don't get confused later on!!!

[Umbra]

I like how you've set up the descriptions in the first paragraph. It feels as if the reader is some sort of spirit or similar, as it approaches the house from outside, and closes in on the room. You get a point for that.

 

However, what you need to fix is the punctuation and your commas. Sometimes, you make your sentences too long, and the commas make them easier to digest for the readers.

 

I'll give a 6/10 for now. You're certainly good, but it could be better.

[Steven Cope]

Wow!! I don't usually like emotional stuff but that was awsome!!

Only error i see is ($202 bucks) The $ sign and the word bucks mean the same thing so you only need one.