Joke Thread

[Tkill93]

Post all your funny jokes to share. Please keep them in line with the forum's rules.

---

Adam was talking to his friend at the bar, and he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday - she has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stuck."

His friend said, "I have an idea! Why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled." Adam decided to to his friend's advice.

 

The next day at the bar his friend said, "Well? Did you take my suggestion?"

 

"Yes, I did," Adam replied.

 

 

"Did she like it?"

 

 

"Oh yes! she jumped up , thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling "I'll be back in an hour!!"

---

Dick Cheney walks into the Oval Office and sees The President whooping and hollering.

"What's the matter, Mr. President?" The Vice President inquired.

 

"Nothing at all, boss. I just done finished a jigsaw puzzle in record time!" The President beamed.

 

"How long did it take you?"

 

"Well, the box said '3 to 5 Years' but I did it in a month!"

---

[Mr. Best Male 2008]

uhm.... your so stupid you tried to put m&m's in alphabetical order? soz thats all i can think of

[gaaraofthesand617]

They say opposites attract. I hope you meet someone who is good looking, intelegent, and cultured.

 

 

You're about as useful as a betamax video recorder

[the Snakey Wolf Lord]

whats 6+6? 75834758437. lol. heres one. 1:knock knock 2: whos there? 1: me. lol

[tehodis]

Four friends decided to go golfing the day they all had a day off. One of them got suspended to the club-house, and the others went on and golfed. Around the seventh hole, they got into a conversation about their sons.

The first man started off by telling the other men, "Well, my son just started off as a seedy ol' used car salesman, and now, he owns his own dealership! He even got his best friend a Mercedes for his birthday."

The second man rebutted, "My son used to just rent disgusting motels, and now, he's a very well-known real-estate agent. He even managed to get his best friend a brand new house for his birthday."

The third man, not to be trumped, told the others, "My son was just a gambler with stocks, then a bond trader, and now he owns a huge stock-broking company. He even got his best friend a huge book of stocks for his birthday."

As they finished the 8th hole with that conversation, the fourth man came to the hole with his clubs, and as he readied his shot at the 9th hole, he asked the other men what they had been talking about. They told him, "Oh, just about how successful our sons are, and how proud we are of them."

"Oh," Said the fourth man, "I'm not very proud of my son. I mean, he's a homosexual! But I guess he must be doing pretty well. His last three boyfriends got him a Mercedes, a house and a big book of stocks!"

[Tkill93]

Four friends decided to go golfing the day they all had a day off. One of them got suspended to the club-house' date=' and the others went on and golfed. Around the seventh hole, they got into a conversation about their sons.

The first man started off by telling the other men, "Well, my son just started off as a seedy ol' used car salesman, and now, he owns his own dealership! He even got his best friend a Mercedes for his birthday."

The second man rebutted, "My son used to just rent disgusting motels, and now, he's a very well-known real-estate agent. He even managed to get his best friend a brand new house for his birthday."

The third man, not to be trumped, told the others, "My son was just a gambler with stocks, then a bond trader, and now he owns a huge stock-broking company. He even got his best friend a huge book of stocks for his birthday."

As they finished the 8th hole with that conversation, the fourth man came to the hole with his clubs, and as he readied his shot at the 9th hole, he asked the other men what they had been talking about. They told him, "Oh, just about how successful our sons are, and how proud we are of them."

"Oh," Said the fourth man, "I'm not very proud of my son. I mean, he's a homosexual! But I guess he must be doing pretty well. His last three boyfriends got him a Mercedes, a house and a big book of stocks!"

[/quote']

I lol'd :lol:

[MachineHunter]

The unlucky dude(not really funny)

One day,some one went for a walk.

A truck crashed and killed the person.

When he goes to the sky,a plane crashes on him.

Lol,the end o.O

[tehodis]

A priest was going golfing, and two nuns who really respected the good father, accompanied him. The priest was doing very well, until he reached the ninth hole. He missed by a long-shot and says 'God dammit, I missed!'. The nuns shook their heads and said, "Do not use the Lord's name in vain, father."

At the next hole he didn't even hit the ball, the priest was angry again and said "God dammit, I missed!"

The nuns, once again, shook their heads and said, "Do not use the Lord's name in vain, father."

The Priest started doing well again, until the last hole where he hit the ball, and it went way off again. He was extremely frustrated now, and yelled "God dammit, I missed!"

Just then, a bolt of lightning came down, striking the poor nuns as it did. A booming voice filled the golf course, and it said, "Dammit. I missed."

[SupaGreenMushroom]

u r sooo dumb when a guy said he wanted change for a nickle,u put a little dipar on it.

[cyberdude]

funny things to say in court

Q: What is your date of birth?

A: July fifteenth.

Q: What year?

A: Every year.

 

Q: This myasthenia gravis - does it affect your memory at all?

A: Yes.

Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

A: I forget.

Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

 

Q: All your responses must be oral, okay? What school did you go to?

A: Oral.

 

Q: How old is your son - the one living with you.

A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.

Q: How long has he lived with you?

A: Forty-five years.

 

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?

A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"

Q: And why did that upset you?

A: My name is Susan.

 

Q: Sir, what is your IQ?

A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

 

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo occult?

A: We both do.

Q: Voodoo?

A: We do.

Q: You do?

A: Yes, voodoo.

 

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

 

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

 

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

 

Q: Did he kill you?

 

Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

 

Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

 

Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

 

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

A: Yes.

Q: And what were you doing at that time?

 

Q: She had three children, right?

A: Yes.

Q: How many were boys?

A: None.

Q: Were there any girls?

 

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?

A: Yes.

Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

 

Q: Mr. Slattery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?

A: I went to Europe, sir.

Q: And you took your new wife?

 

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?

A: By death.

Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

 

Q: Can you describe the individual?

A: He was about medium height and had a beard.

Q: Was this a male, or a female?

 

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

 

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?

A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?

A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy