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Pokemon: Cut up into a Thousand Pieces Version (Episode 1: Pokemon, I Abuse You!)

Davok

By Davok
in Creative Writing

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Davok

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This fan fic is inspired by Mew 101's Kiss Under the Misteltoe.

 

Episode: Pokemon! I abuse You!

 

 

 

This episode starts with an eleven year old boy with ridiculous hair watching a show.

 

Announcer: Nun Wrestling is proudly sponsored by Nintendo!

Ash: Yeah! Go, beat on her, Sister Teresa!

Mrs. Ketchum: Ash, you should watch more educational films!

Ash: Why? Nun Wrestling is a very educational show!

Mrs. Ketchum: How?

Ash: It shows that nuns can still beat on eachother senselessly old school style!

Mrs. Ketchum: Why don’t you go watch that educational program on the Discovery Channel?

Ash: No! I’m too rebellious and cool to learn things!

Mrs. Ketchum: Well your watching them anyway! {switches to Discover Channel, where it shows a 50 year old scientist}

Professor Oak: Is your child rebellious? Is he a pain to have around? Are you divorced, and don’t want any interruptions looking for a new, single man? Then send the kid off on a year long Pokemon journey across Kanto. Worried about education? The brat doesn’t need an education! Because he will be an official Pokemon Trainer™, and have a Pokemon Trainer’s License™! With it, your son will go on a wild goose chase across the country going to different Gyms and getting badges, and with eight badges he could enter the Indigo League Grand Tournament™! If he wins, he will become Pokemon Master™ of Kanto and get lots and lots of sweet sweet green to support you in your old age! And he will get chicks, too! So sign your boy up for Pokemon Training now!

{after the commercial}

Mrs. Ketchum: Ash, your going on a Pokemon journey.

Ash: Aaaaw! Why?

Mrs. Ketchum: Because you should have a more positive way to vent your anger! Having a tiny anthropomorphic animal to do your bidding is much more positive than doing heroin!

Ash: But I don’t do heroin!

Mrs. Ketchum: You be quiet, young man! That’s my excuse to get rid of you and I’m sticking to it!

Tomorrow morning…

Mrs. Ketchum: Ash, your late! You have to see Professor Oak!

Ash: Aaaawww… why?

Mrs. Ketchum: Because I told you so! Now run, Professor Oak’s evil laboratory is just up that hill!

Ash runs up the hill where he sees a mob of fangirls.

Ash: Wow, a fan club? I guess becoming a Pokemon Trainer™ has made me more popular!

Fangirl: Out of the way, n00b!

Ash gets trampled by the mob of fangirls as they crowd around a guy with even more ridiculous hair than Ash!

Gary: Girls, girls, please! You can admire me more at that angle, where my hair looks even more anatomically inaccurate!

Mob of Fangirls: Gary! Gary! He’s our man! If he can’t do it, no one can!

Gary: I’ve just taken all three of the beginner’s PokeBalls™ when more adventure some, worthy boys could have taken them!

Ash: Not if I have anything to say about it!

Batman: Not if I have anything to say about it!

Ash: Go away, Batman.

Batman: Nobody appreciates me! {sobs and runs off}

Ash: I wanted those PokeBalls™!

Gary: Well, tough luck, n00b! Now I have Bulbasaur, Charmander and Squirtle, three of the most impossible to find Pokemon in Kanto!

Gary and his crowd of fangirls trample Ash on their way out.

Ash: Oh, well! The prof probably has some more!

Ash enters the evil lair of Professor Oak.

Professor Oak: IT’S ALIVE! IIIIIIIITTTT’SSS AAAALIIIIIIIIVVVVEEEEE!!!!!!!!! {thunder cracks}

Ash: Um, can I have a Pokemon?

Professor Oak: Oh, sure, sonny boy! Here’s one rabid pokemon that just escaped from the zoo yesterday!

Pikachu: Pika-pi! (I shall destroy you all!!!)

Ash: Aw, isn’t he cute! I’ll take him!

Pikachu: Pika-pika-chu! (Your strangled screams shall be lost in the fires of oblivion!)

Ash: Come on, Pikachu!

Pikachu and Ash go outside Professor Oak’s evil laboratory.

Professor Oak: Wait, Ash! You forgot something!

Ash: What is it?

Professor Oak: It’s a PokeDex™! It can tell you all sorts of information about Pokemon, even though I’m just a crazy old man who’s never even been out of my lab! It’s even got an A.I, which is so crazy and insane that I got it from a Star Trek Convention!

Dexter: You cannot resist the Borg. Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated.

Ash: Gee, thanks Prof!

And so Ash goes on his intrepid adventures with the psychotic Pikachu and the untrustworthy PokeDex Dexter. Ash paused as he sees a bird.

Ash: Wow, what’s that, Dexter?

Dexter: You cannot resist the Borg. Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated

Ash: Wow! Thanks! I’m gonna catch it! Go, Pikachu! Thundershock!

Pikachu: Pika-chu! (Your death is awaited with great glee!) {Pikachu thundershocks Ash}

Ash: Ow! Lucky I’m used to it with all those hours of Electroshock Therapy, or I would’ve been done for sure!

Narrator: And so Ash, knowing that he cannot trust Pikachu to deal with the bird, Ash commences in doing completely comical and unnecessary things to capture the pidgey.

Ash: I’ll use put this metal trap inside the bird bath!

Pidgey: uses another bird bath

Ash: I’ll send in the Duck Hunt dog!

Pidgey: attacks the Duck Hunt dog, causing it to flee

Ash: I’ll send in Garfield, then!

Pidgey: evades Garfield through one of the comical escapees of the birds in the comic strip

Ash: I’ll SHOOT IT!!!!

4Kids: *does not allow*

Ash: DAMN YOU, 4KIDS! DAMN YOU!!!!

Narrator: Eventually, Ash gives up trying to catch the Pidgey and in his frustration threw a rock at some Pidgeys. Unfortunately he hits a Spearrow hiding in the crowd of Pidgeys looking for some easy prey.

Spearrow: ¡Usted maldice monos, yo le demostrará para abordar a Tortilla le Espado!

Ash: I didn’t know Spearrows were Spanish!

Spearrow: ¡Dado!

Spearrow attacks Pikachu and Ash.

Pikachu: Pika-pika-chu! (your muffled screams are lost in the Eternal Abyss!)

Pikachu thundershocks Spearrow.

Spearrow: ¡Me han derrotado! ¡Pero, mis hermanos, SE VENGAN ME!!

Ash: Wow, I wonder what he’s saying, Pikachu!

Suddenly a giant army of Spearrows appear from behind the bushes.

Spearrows: ¡Para la revolución!

Ash and Pikachu get bombarded by the Spanish Spearrows.

Ash: RUN THE FRIK’ AWAY!!!

Narrator: And so, Ash and Pikachu ran the frik’ away from the Spearrows to come to a waterfall.

Spearrows: ¡Para la revolución!

Narrator: Oh, crap, RUN THE FRIK’ AWAY!!!! NOT THE EYBALLS!!!!! AAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!

Other Narrator: And so the narrator had his untimely demise, and I took his place.

Ash: Well, Pikachu, there’s only one thing to do!

Pikachu; Pika-chu pika-pi! (I will eat your soul and devour it slowly!)

Ash and Pikachu hop off the waterfall.

SFX: SPLOOSH!

Ash: Sploosh?

Pikachu: Pik? (Sploosh frikkin’ sploosh.)

SFX: I’m sorry! I-I’m having problems right now! M-my wife left me… .and nobody appreciates me! BOOHOOOHOOOOO…. {runs of sobbing}

Misty: Who the Cinnamon Toast Crush are you?

Ash: Who the heck are YOU?

Misty: I’m Misty! I’m a qualified Pokemon Trainer™!

Ash: A Pokemon Trainer™? Cool! Do you want to battle?

Misty: Um… a… no. You should be going to Virdidian City, that where the next Gym is.

Ash: Okay! Do you mind if I hijack your bike?

Misty: What!? Of course no-

Ash: Too late! Bye-bye!

And so Ash and Pikachu make off with their hijacked bike. When suddenly…

Ash: The Spanish Sparrows blot out the skies!

Pikachu: Pika-pi chu! (Then we shall fight in the shade!)

Spearrows: ¡Para la revolución!

The Spearrows swarm Pikachu and Ash.

Ash: No! Pikachu, I won’t let them hurt you! I haven’t bought insurance on you yet!

Ash covers Pikachu’s body while the Spearrows peck at him mercilessly.

Pikachu; PIKA-CHU!!! (SUPER SAILOR MOON FRIENDSHIP ATTACK!!!!)

Pikachu volts all the Spearrows, destroying them and unfortunately Misty’s bike.

Spearrows: -9999

Ash: Yay! Pikachu! We won! And I have several punctured arteries! Oh, well, I didn’t need that much blood in the first place!

Pikachu: Pika-pi! (You owe me big time for that!)

Ash: You said it, Pikachu!

Suddenly, a golden bird Pokemon flies over a rainbow over where Ash and Pikachu stood.

Ash: Wow! What’s that Pokemon?

Dexter: You cannot resist the Borg. Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated.

Ash: Oh, so there’s a lot of Unidentified Flying Pokemon in this world? Well that’s way I gotta Catch `em All!

Pikachu: Pika-chu! (You owe me 100 bucks.)

THE END

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Guest Supreme Gamesmaster

Guest Supreme Gamesmaster

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Bwaha. I guess that would be 100 PokéBucks, which equates to about $10 in real life. Ash, you're so lucky Pikachu missed that. XD

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