Black Rose Phoenix® Posted July 30, 2008 Author Report Share Posted July 30, 2008 I will try to post the new chapter soon, sorry about the huge delay, i'm trying to make pictures of the characters... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Black Rose Phoenix® Posted July 31, 2008 Author Report Share Posted July 31, 2008 BUMP!! Chapter 4 edited!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
.:|Fallen|:. Posted July 31, 2008 Report Share Posted July 31, 2008 apart from ur spelling 8/10 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Purple Dinosaur Posted July 31, 2008 Report Share Posted July 31, 2008 It's good. I read some of it and it's really awesome so far! 8.1/10 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Luna Diviner Posted August 5, 2008 Report Share Posted August 5, 2008 Great chapter.I will start with 10/10-3 for spelling and grammar-2 for short length-1 for lack of action and the death/faint (there is a 98% chance your going to come back) coming soon.+ 4 for awesome storyline. 8/10 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Exyst Posted August 5, 2008 Report Share Posted August 5, 2008 Waht kind of crap is this!THe whole thing is wedged into 1 big paragraph' date='didn't you learn anything about compo writing![/quote'] On top of all that, too many spelling mistakes,! and I hope your giving the reps =D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
triplelet Posted August 5, 2008 Report Share Posted August 5, 2008 super cool fan fic. 10/10 keep up the good work. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bury the year Posted August 5, 2008 Report Share Posted August 5, 2008 Good plot, but your typing makes it illegible. Try something like this: (action/description) (LP) (more action/destription) Also, spell-check, spell-check, spell-check! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Black Rose Phoenix® Posted August 7, 2008 Author Report Share Posted August 7, 2008 Actualy i've started typing on word to make a lack of spelling errors. Thanks for the nice comment guy's, soon the new partner runs away because he's scared...¬_¬ (idiot) So Rahim soon partners up with a girl who is stuck somewhere, and then Rahim partners with her and they both start to use Synchros aswell...I won't spoil it any more, and you will all get your reps... P.S. I've currently given all the reps i can but you will soon get them.Sorry for the dellay. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
.Digital.Simplicity. Posted August 7, 2008 Report Share Posted August 7, 2008 awesome fan fic i enjoyed it alot Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Black Rose Phoenix® Posted August 7, 2008 Author Report Share Posted August 7, 2008 Thanks m8!!^_^ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Protoman Posted August 7, 2008 Report Share Posted August 7, 2008 its good keep on making it better and adding xhapters. so good job Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
533998 Posted August 11, 2008 Report Share Posted August 11, 2008 nice job Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lazer Yoshi Posted August 15, 2008 Report Share Posted August 15, 2008 Some grammer problems, but I really like the story :) 8.5/10 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bury the year Posted August 15, 2008 Report Share Posted August 15, 2008 It would make it a lot easier for us to read if you posted each piece of dialogue on a new line. Example: "Blah blah," said A."Rada rah rada," B replied. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Black Rose Phoenix® Posted August 17, 2008 Author Report Share Posted August 17, 2008 I'm currently working on chapter 5. It is the longest, most exciting out of the rest so far... Also, i can't do that because it isn't script... If your all just commenting spacificly for the rep, i'd prefer an honest oppinion. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Deucalion Posted August 17, 2008 Report Share Posted August 17, 2008 Please run this through a spell and grammar check. Please? I'd sit down and pick it everything with you, like the lack of paragraphs, punctuation, spelling, formatting, etc, but we'd both get bored, and I don't have the time right now. If you want, I could help you sometime next week, though. Still, the plot looks exciting, if a little cliche. Perhaps a little more back-story and scene-setting would be nice, but it is decent enough as is. I'd give you a 7/10, and boost you up to an 8/10 if you could work on your grammar. ^_^ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Black Rose Phoenix® Posted August 17, 2008 Author Report Share Posted August 17, 2008 You...are...kidding...? I'm making graphics for it soon, but the writing i even checked on micro word...¬_¬ I've changed everything and updated to the correct Grammer, redone the spelling in it, and so forth, read again for proof... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Deucalion Posted August 17, 2008 Report Share Posted August 17, 2008 Chapter 4 is noticeably improved from 1 (well done on that, btw. Nice to see someone make the effort. :)), but they still have big errors to look out for. Common ones you make are: "I am talking," says person 1 "talking talking talking"Person 2 attacks! See the bolded bit? There is no space, and there should be. Other ones are simple errors spellchecks will miss - like "knew" and "new", and small mistakes like "abit" instead of "a bit", which I've seen you do a few times. Then there are syntactical grammar errors that won't be picked up by spellcheckers - poor sentence construction, basically. Something that can help with the above if your spell checker isn't good enough to pick them up, is reading your Chapters out loud. You'll be able to hear the sentences, and judge how well they work by themselves. If you really want, I could go through Chapter 5 and bold all the errors to show you, but I'm sure you get the gist. ^_^Sorry, for double post, but I quickly checked Chapter 4. I've probably missed some stuff, since I was only flicking through quickly. Bold shows mistakes. I'll leave it up to you to figure out which ones. That way, you'll learn quickly. ^_^ Rahim had cried mean while walking with his hands in his pockets. He was trying to remain calm, but his heart beat was getting stronger, and the glow of the millennium rod and puzzle was getting brighter and bigger by the minute. He went round a corner, he suddenly heard a boy speaking, Rahim lifted his head, he saw the golden dust come out of another boy lying on the floor, and it flew into the sky like Alex’s soul. The boy remaining stood; he trembled(should be a comma here) not noticing Rahim behind him. The boy remained there crying, still un-aware of Rahim’s approach. Rahim was vague about his next movement, he decided to make the boy notice him, but not alarm him. He rested his hand over his shoulder; he said emotionally “How did he go? I lately lost a friend in a way I think is the same…” The boy turned his head slightly, and interrupted “…YOU KNOW NOTHING OF HIM!!” At this point Rahim removed his hand from his shoulder. The boy now felt guilty, he continued “…I’m sorry, he was my best friend, he saved my life death by giving his own and his soul… now I have nothing…” Realizing he had never met Rahim, he tried to patronize Rahim, “Enough about my problem’s … My name(should be an apostrophe here)s Joe. Nice to meet ya.” Rahim was obviously smart enough to know what he was doing … Rahim got back to the point with haste “Don’t worry, a friend of mine did the same thing, and I saved his body before it was destroyed, in a light I was the only one to see his soul vanish, but anyways, my names Rahim…now I want to hear all about what happened…” “…So that’s how we ended up here is it? ...At least we found each other…”sighed Rahim. He got up, “hmm, I noticed you duel through out the conversation, and also you wear a new age duel disk…” Joe interrupted “I know, I got the new X type. It has all the latest features…” Rahim went back to the former conversation, “yeah, but if you duel, I need a new partner since Alex died, would you like to be my new partner?” Joe had no idea what to say, he was full of shock…”…umm … uhh..Yeah, sure…” Rahim went on, “Of course, I’d like to be your partner, but I need to give you something, heres the god card Alex used to use … and now I’d like to see you use it…”Joe smiled he knew what to do, he wasn’t great at duelling, but he had tremendous courage. “I accept…” Rahim was now excited for the first time since he started his last duel with Alex. “Fine then, do your best… but this duel will have abit of a twist to it, we both start at 2000!!” With Joes great courage, he accepted again…”Fine by me…!!” Rahim: 2000Joe: 2000 “Ok I’ll start…!b”Shouted Joe.“First, I play a spell, Ookazi, now you deal 800 life points of damage, then I activate Final Flame, now you take another 600!! Ok, I think that’s enough life points taken from you, but now I’m going to increase mine … I play, Dian keto the cure master!! I gain 1000 life points, and then I summon, Arcana Force 0, the fool! I activate his effect, I flip a coin…” He flipped it, luck was in his favour, “Heads; So now, when ever you activate a spell, trap or monster effect to destroy thins card, it is negated and destroyed!! I set a face down and end.” Rahim new that was an amateur move, he knew all he was making is a small defence. “Ha, I know exactly what your doing. I have a different strategy though… Does that help? :P Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
staticrevenger Posted August 18, 2008 Report Share Posted August 18, 2008 Grammar tweaks should make this an awesome fanfic.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Black Rose Phoenix® Posted August 19, 2008 Author Report Share Posted August 19, 2008 Thank you, Deucalion.I'm glad to know somebody bothers to actualy know about fanfics and actualy likes to fix them and help. I appreciate it.^_^ ~cardcreator 444 P.S. Chapter 5 edited. Better and longer thsan any other chapter. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Black Rose Phoenix® Posted August 21, 2008 Author Report Share Posted August 21, 2008 BUMP!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Silver Posted August 21, 2008 Report Share Posted August 21, 2008 Very promising. The ideas and plot are original and exciting. However, as most people have suggested, you could try to improve the grammar. You claim to have used the Spell Check on Word, however I have decided to edit the first few paragraphs and outline a few errors, as I believe this FanFic has real potential and it just needs the grammar. In a street in the middle of England, 2 young lads1, who had powers currently unknown to man, stood there talking about strategies. A few years ago, when they were the same age2, they found 2 Egyptian God cards. One of them secretly possessed a millennium item. These two boys were named Rahim Jones3 and Alex Dina, and something unexpected was going to happen to them... With a angry and forceful voice, Alex proclaimed "Dude I’m hungry... i missed lunch!! TAKE ME HOME!!". With a moan of stress, Rahim said "Fine... we'll go home, JUST STOP SHOUTING"4. "Ooh, stressay. Pucha!!""WHAT WAS THAT!!" snapped Rahim I know there's a few errors in that as well, but nobodys perfect =] 1=Incorrect use of apostrophes 2=Switching of tenses3=Commas used where not needed4=Speech Terms I really can't explain it to you, but hopefully you get the jist. [ - D - ] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Black Rose Phoenix® Posted August 22, 2008 Author Report Share Posted August 22, 2008 Thank you, i know the first chapter isn't great, i was trying to build up the good part, thats why chapter 5 is so long...but thank you for your brief review... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Silver Posted August 22, 2008 Report Share Posted August 22, 2008 Thank you' date=' i know the first chapter isn't great, i was trying to build up the good part, thats why chapter 5 is so long...but thank you for your brief review...[/color']Yes, I saw a good improvement in Chapter 5 well done =] [ - D - ] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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