Jump to content

Post your smash main and I’ll roast them

Snatch Steal

By Snatch Steal
in Miscellaneous

Recommended Posts

Snatch Steal Apprentice

Snatch Steal

Posted
Posted

I understand that everyone is different and we all like different characters. In spite of this, I have come to find that these choices make people degenerate subhumans worthy of naught but my scorn. Therefore, this thread’s impetus was inevitable.

 

It seems too easy to say that there’s a particularly superior smash character, especially in smash 4. They all just suck, either to fight or to use.

 

So here is where we recognize these truths.

 

If you don’t have a main or you main Mario and Luigi and peach and link and Yoshi and bowser jr and Marth and zelda and toon link and pit and dark pit and Metroid and metroid’s girlfeiend then I will roast the funk out of that.

 

Don’t take it personally because I will exaggerate

Link to comment
Share on other sites
Snatch Steal Apprentice

Snatch Steal

Posted
  • Author
Posted

 

ROB
 
Ah yes, of all the iconic characters I think of when I hear Smash Bros, a robotic marketing failure from the Stone Age definitely comes to mind. I bet fighting Bayonetta sure is fun considering you’re arbitrarily heavy and big enough to get true comboed by strings that normally could be SDIed out of. Also, who let beyblade into Smash Bros? I thought that was yet another forgotten toy from the 20th century. I can’t say for certain that anyone remembers or cares about ROB or Beyblade, so good luck making it into smash for Switch. 
 

 

I'll do ya one better...I'll give you my main for Brawl and for Sm4sh.
 
Brawl: Sonic the Hedgehog
Sm4sh: Bowser
 
I’ll try not to go in-depth about how counterintuitive at best it is to pick a character other than ice climbers or meta knight in brawl since this is not about brawl and never will be about that train-wreck of a game. 
 
Honestly bowser has a lot of tricks up his sleeve. He’s got up throw, bowser bomb, side b, bair, fair, up Air, etc. all as pretty good moves. But the thing is, he’s still heavy, which inherently means he’s a sandbag for anyone with a half-decent combo game. You can scare the sheet out of the opponent, but Mario gets more up tilts, Bayo gets more witch twists, Cloud gets more up airs, Luigi gets more...everything, so on and so forth for every character that has combos. Also, let's be real, Bowser really isn't that much of a daddy. He was a daddy when I was 13 but that wore off quick. He's just a lizard, especially if you're one of those pathetic FG lowlifes that uses bowser bomb or dair whenever your opponent is below you, getting punished every time and not realizing it. 
 
Also did you seriously say "smafoursh?" 
 
KZBfIiR.png
 

 

Lucario

 

 

Dude there are so many characters in smash 4. there's like 58. you had to pick the one, the only, ultimate furbait. Fox comes close, but nothing beats Lucario when it comes to "edgy dark wulf 64 furry x3 yiffer owo nya :3" characters, especially considering there's a funking subdued grey fur skin so you can be edgy

 

But the worst thing about Lucario is his playstyle. He's a 100% fundamental character who doesn't rely on combos or spacing or zoning or bait & punish or any of that. You win with Lucario by stacking up rage + aura. No matter how much you get comboed, just don't die and Lucario will always just have the upper hand. Eliminate this factor and Lucario is nothing. Just another basic jabroni "I wuv pokeymans x3" edgy OC piece of garbage. Also, his moves are perfect for people like this. Aura Sphere is a spacing tool and an approach forcer that makes the opponent get into a circumstance where they can funk up so you get a random smash attack boosted by rage and aura. Once you get aura high enough, it even can break shields. You know what that is? The perfect formula for FG trash. 

 

Honestly though, if you don't have slant eyes you can't get good with him, so just don't. His standard moves suck, pretty much all across the board, and if you've played against him enough you can gimp his recovery pretty reliably. Extreme speed? More like extreme get stage spiked

 

 

HTTPS9pLmtpbmphLWltZy5jb20vZ2F3a2VyLW1lZ

 

It figures, doesn't it? A meme character for a meme person. Literally just get Ganondorf offstage and respect his moves is all it takes to win. Obviously, everybody loses to a good ganondorf at one point because they forget how he actually does damage unlike the usual roll spam links and marios. Thing is, though, he doesn't go very far very fast. He's just a big lug that gets comboed and spaced out until his recovery gets intercepted by pretty much the most basic aerials. If you win with Ganon, it's because your opponent is sheet, or because they're used to the awful ones on FG that just Flame Choke and ganoncide. By the way, can we talk about Ganoncide? It's pretty much a beautiful show of power from Nintendo. They recognize that Ganondorf has literally never been a good, or even really usable character, so they had this thought process:

 

"Well, Bowsercide kills bowser first, swallowcide kills Kirby/Dedede first...what about Ganondorf?"

 

"Frankly, if Ganondorf even gets a stock, he kind of deserves that kind of win button."

 

And you know what else? There's no sexy Ganondorf skin. We got Shulk and ZSS, and Bayonetta is kind of a walking sex symbol, but Ganondorf, the stunning, handsome wizard daddy? Nothing. This dude is more conservative than a Muslim woman in a TNT shop. They may as well give him a burkah. funk, just remove him from the game. It's not like it would change anything. The only reason we still have Ganon is because he was in Melee one time. So have fun with your flame choke mix-ups and throw combos, cause it's all you're gonna get. 

 

 

I don't know how to answer this because I don't play it enough for a solid main though there are two I use more often then others.

Robin and Peach

 

I'm gonna wait until robin catches up to do him, which will be quite a while.

 

Peach reminds me of Alpharad, which reminds me of dark circles, depression, demonetization, and lack of smash skill. It also reminds me of Armada, or people who want to be Armada. Luckily, Peach is a random-ass character that is also only in Smash because she was in Melee that one time. Like, okay, you can float. Dair can still be shielded and punished if you have good enough aerial mobility. But that doesn't really matter if you pull mister saturn, does it? In fact, it doesn't matter what kind of kill setups you can get if you pull a bob-omb. Why even bother learning Peach when you can just get a stitch turnip? Sure, it's unlikely, but you know what else is unlikely? Brawl tripping. 

 

Honestly though, what does peach even do? Aside from spamming side b, it seems as though you just wish it was a game where peach was actually good. Even Lucario, the furbait, is better than Peach. Just because you have good frame data doesn't mean you're not still a filler character who hasn't gotten her own game in ages. 

 

Probably a funking feminist

 

HAIL KIRBY!

 

So I see you love getting KOed early and having no late-percent follow-ups? Because wow Kirby is bad. Sakurai intentionally made Kirby bad in all iterations of Smash except 64 so that he doesn't look impartial to his own characters. You're basically setting yourself up to have a garbage character for the rest of time.

 

I mean, sure, if you go against shulk, maybe you have a chance, but pretty much just staple characters like Mario and Pikachu can KO with up smash extremely early, and zoners like Cloud and Marth can just keep him out at all times. Not only does using Kirby require you to play smash, but it also requires you to play whatever game your opponent wants. By that I mean they'll either just juggle you and keep you out of their space or get so bored of fighting a character so useless that they'll want to play literally anything else. 

 

Jigglypuff has rest. What does Kirby have? A rock that you can avoid and grab him out of. Jigglypuff also has a strong, disjointed bair. What does Kirby have? A bair that looks like a Mexican's chode. Sure it's kind of spicy, but it's so funking short. You gotta read your opponent like you're Hina if you want a kill as Kirby, but if you're honestly sticking to such a low-tier, you probably don't even have that aptitude anyway. 

 

But you and Kirby have similar hair situations so it makes sense

 

 

Roy

 

Oh my funking god. I want to like Roy. He's kind of fun to use. He's got Marth's spacing but he's much more up-close and personal, which is a really interesting combination.

 

Here's the thing: He's weebshit

 

Roy's sweet spot always lies close to the edge of his sword. This means he doesn't really get rewarded as much for spacing and instead relies on combos and close combat to get percent and kills. As an agile fastfaller that's easy enough but.......

 

his following. his funking fans. i swear to god I have never seen more anime weeaboo neko chan people in my life. These funking panchito ladies who wanna funk girly boys giving me crippling depression. It seems as though we're bringing back every single character that was in Melee that one time because hey! Notstalgia! That's cool! But did Roy's game even make it into the US? Or was he pretty much just sort of a cameo in the Fire Emblem anime sword guy series? Is that why he can't recover or space and is therefore one of the worst sword characters of the entire cast?

 

Seriously though, Roy seems like the kind of rice farmer who dyed his hair red to stand out but still gets outshined by...Wario and G&W. It's actually pretty impressive to 1. be from fire emblem, and 2. not be as good as Wario or G&W. That's pretty much being cursed by Sakurai.

 

But hey...down throw combos, right? They're supposed to be good or something? Yeah okay. Have fun winning by matchup inexperience against FG no DI kids

Link to comment
Share on other sites
Snatch Steal Apprentice

Snatch Steal

Posted
  • Author
Posted

Game & Watch

 

Well...you're better than Roy. Not sure what else I can say. Yet another character banking strictly on luck to do much outside of fundamentals. Nothing about Game & Watch is unique other than his windboxes and judge hammer. Sausages are just boneless fire breath, oil panic is more or less pocket, and parachute isn't nearly as good as it was in Melee as nair. Like, don't most of G&W's moves do more or less the same thing? Sure, some of his moves have interesting properties, but nothing is like ZSS's Zapper or Mega Man's Metal Blade or King Dedede's Gordo Throw or Sheik's Bouncing Fish. They're all just so...bland. Even a character like Ryu has unique attacks that are all just punches and kicks. Game & Watch is the same thing every single time.
 
I'm going to point out again that everyone on YCM seems to like either a heavy or a low tier aside from, like, Cow. 
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

Go to topic listing
×
×
  • Create New...