Astolfo Posted December 21, 2017 Report Share Posted December 21, 2017 no name. On an island somewhere far in the ocean, a young girl with long white hair and small prismatic horns skipped about the sand. A slender tail of the same alabaster color swayed behind her. Her silvery clothes were like that of silk; soft, rippling. She flicked her head side to side for a few seconds, her near-colorless gray irises sparkling under the sun. Slowly though, the efforts died down, and her shoulders drooped slightly. “No one...” She sighed, slowly lying on her back. A small butterfly flitted lazily through the air before landing softly on her nose. The girl peered down cross-eyed as it slowly stretched out, revealing shimmery, rainbow-colored wings. Just as soon as the creature came though, a gentle briny breeze passed, causing it to take once more to the skies. “Ah.” She sat up quickly, clutching her forehead moments later, but alas, it had already left her sight. Lowering her arm back down, she paused. There was a peculiar movement at her periphery. The girl turned slowly, narrowing her eyes. On the horizon, there was a shape that brought back the faintest whispers of past memories. “A... brown... bowl... triangle-stick? It was called... booo-uht..?” The strange shape swayed back and forth, drifting closer and closer to shore. “Eep!” She scampered away, diving behind a tree, sending the resting birds flying away. Poking her head out cautiously, she stared at the foreign arrival. The shape seemed unfamiliar, yet so familiar. Just as she was about to walk out though, there was yet another movement. Rustling and shifting gave way to the sight of... a strange living creature, just a bit taller than her. In some ways, it looked like herself, but with golden hair that matched their eyes, and no horns or tail. Everything about the proportions though, seemed so... weird. The body of the creature that just emerged was a bit more muscular, with harder body lines, completely unlike her gentle, slight curves. Her mouth opened slightly as she subconsciously began to walk out. However, somewhere within her mind, she couldn’t help but feel she somehow knew of beings like this before. “Humans...” “Anyone here?” The words from the boy snapped her out of her daze. A million thoughts racing through her head, she tripped over her own feet as she tried to turn and escape. Tumbling down the soft, sandy incline, she skidded to a stop a few feet away from the human boy. Groaning, she sat up and shook her head, sending sand particles flying everywhere. Realizing she was now at the bottom of the slope instead of a good twenty yards farther away, the girl froze. Her head slowly craned upwards at a snail’s pace, widening as she took in the features of the human boy. Curling inwards, she started to tremble. A few seconds passed, but the person in front of her eyes didn’t make any move. Glaring at him, the boy flinched. “I-I won‘t bite.” Before she could respond, her thoughts were interrupted when the human placed its hand upon the top of her head. Her jaw spread open, revealing sharp, fang-like teeth. She was about to let out an angry roar, but halted. The touch was gentle, barely beyond a brush. Her shoulders relaxed slightly. It was an unusual feeling, yet... warm. Closing her eyes, the corners of her lips tilted upwards a fraction. “Ah... Can you understand what I’m saying...?” Her eyes opening a notch, she stood up, puffing out her chest as proud as she could, given her short height. “Ufufu, of course.” The boy’s eyes widened to match his mouth. “D-Do you... have a name?” The girl’s mouth opened as she pondered what to say. Her memories of her past... were dim, yet... she could feel strong attachment... even if she didn’t know to what. But she could remember one name that in another time long before, a man like this human boy had given to her, when she had none. “Naga.” For a moment, the boy’s expression darkened. But before Naga was even sure she truly saw, it disappeared and the boy spoke again, his expression warm and grinning wide. “You can call me Garuda.” Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dova Posted December 23, 2017 Report Share Posted December 23, 2017 I feel the story progresses too fast, at least in the very first section, to be gripping. I barely know who this girl is, and I'm not even quite sure of her personality; her saying "No one..." then sighting gave me the impression that she wanted someone else to be there, and Naga does seems curious when examining the boat, tapping into her memories, but then immediately runs off. Yes, it could just be a lack of experience with actual other people, but I haven't been given enough information to really get to know her. When I'm introduced to a story, I need to see it through the eyes of someone or a bunch of someones, but I have two new characters and no way to relate to either. My interest is a little piqued at the mention of all these memories, the boys expression darkening and the like, but considering this is the first chapter, I am barely familiar with the world you've created as it is, so revealing the secrets mentioned might have the same effect as just describing the island or how the boy got there, regardless of how true the initial descriptions were. In other words, I wouldn't know the different between tucked-away memories and what she had for breakfast yesterday. Even the roar threw me off, although that may have been intentional. However, aside from the story structure, the writing itself is quite nice, particularly in paragraphs like "Before she could respond, her thoughts were interrupted when the figure placed its hand upon the top of her head. Her jaw spread open, about to let out an angry roar, but halted. The touch was gentle and made no attempt to push further. Her shoulders relaxed slightly. It was an unusual feeling, yet... warm." The jerky feeling makes it feel like her actual thoughts, and the usage of small yet effective works makes it easily relatable, to an extent. If only there was more of this, to get me familiarized and invested in this universe, but unfortunately, the dialogue to narrating ratio is quite high. The one issue with the writing is something that I myself am super guilty of in fiction, and trying desperately to avoid; describing clauses with other ones before their inclusion. Its a very useful technique for building up a scene, but repeatedly using it without much pause can become a bit jarring. Take this paragraph for instance: "The words from the boy snapped her out of her daze. As a million thoughts suddenly began to race through her head, she tried to instantaneously reverse her steps and flee. Tripping over her own feet, she landed on her rear. Tumbling down the soft, sandy incline, she skidded to a stop a few feet away. Groaning, she sat up, shaking her hair rapidly, sand particles flying everywhere." At least to me, this reads awkwardly, and might be something to work on. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Astolfo Posted December 23, 2017 Author Report Share Posted December 23, 2017 Yeah it's probably because I had a bunch of ideas and I meant it to be one story at first, but then I decided I wanted to split it into the main story and a prequel to that story I would release later/once the main was done. But then I forgot that there'd be a lot of details that would be missing, but I sort of wanted to keep it in a mysterious way (at least in the beginning, until the story continuation slowly reveals more about the 'past' again). So I guess it made it a little bit awkward in writing, thanks for the words. Things should probably make more sense later in, but I'll try to figure out what to do about early too, I guess? Yeah I sort of have an issue where I basically merge what would otherwise be dialogue or thoughts into just plain text instead, which is what resulted in things like that example you mentioned. Sorry, I don't really understand what you meant by the last paragraph you wrote. Would it be like saying, "She landed on her rear after tripping over her own feet." instead? Just not sure how to interpret what you said. Thanks for the review! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dova Posted December 23, 2017 Report Share Posted December 23, 2017 Sorry, I don't really understand what you meant by the last paragraph you wrote.Would it be like saying, "She landed on her rear after tripping over her own feet." instead?Just not sure how to interpret what you said. Forget I said that. I just thought about the alternative, and that sounds even worse. My mistake :P Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MewMew3 Posted December 24, 2017 Report Share Posted December 24, 2017 The waif character and action so far remind me a bit of the Last Unicorn. I like the brief action; when I write I have the compulsion to jot down every little psychological activity happening in my character's heads. You somehow manage to do that in a short amount of time. @DovaMember, I think it's paced fine. Give @astolfo a chance to write a few more chapters. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Astolfo Posted December 27, 2017 Author Report Share Posted December 27, 2017 Edits to part 1 made to revise, edit, and change some parts. Part 2 should be coming up fairly soon (in a few hours to a day or two max). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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