[Original Work] A Story Longer Than A Short Story

[ShimoHkun1]

I wrote this story about 4 months ago or so and I think it's solid, but I've not shown it to many people so here seems to be as good a place as any, so here it is.

 

(I wasn't sure if there was any particular way I needed to put this up so I just put it straight let me know if I need to do something special with it.)

 

 

A Story Longer Than a Short Story

 

[spoiler= Enter Should You So Desire]"They don't know, do they?"

 

"Not at all, they are so dense."

 

The two figures were in a cavern tinged with a purple hue, standing upon the precipice of a large chasm looking down upon a sea of a thick, silvery matter. The contents of the pit was impossible to make out with the human eye.

 

"Sadly, our helping them now will be fruitless."

 

"Through no fault of their own," the figure said. He stroked his chin, "Or his for that matter."

 

"Of course it wasn't his fault-"

 

"He is finally arriving, let us go."

 

"Shouldn't we give him some forewarning?"

 

"No or at least not yet," the figure turned his back, "We shall see each other again."

 

The first figure disappeared in a flash of light, and the second stepped into a purple-black hole and was gone.

---

"As it always will be, my friend. Our empire will stand throughout time and history."

 

The palace was adorned with gold and jewelry. The two men were sitting on lavish cushions with a bowl of fruits between them.

 

"All the same I do believe that, with your lordship's permission we should declare war upon the threat to our land. These... creatures accused you of high treachery, and-"

 

"Be still Niyethrotep. I am aware of what they have done, but it may be more fruitful to maintain peace at this time. As I trust these scoundrels value their lives over their honor they won't wish to war with us at this time or any time."

 

"All the same my king I wish there was some way to punish them," Niyethrotep replied.

 

"In due time, good friend, we will," the Pharaoh said. "But now let us celebrate our glorious victories."

 

The Pharaoh arose from his seat and stepped into a second chamber with Niyethrotep following close behind. The chamber was perfectly symmetrical on all sides, with four pillars in the four corners of the room. Two others stood in the room with their backs to the Pharaoh. One was a tall, slender, and elegant woman dressed in a turquoise silken garment, with necklaces and jewels adorning her entire body. The other was a hunched, scrawny and scruffy man who was dressed in robes that didn't fit him adequately and appeared to be golden-white drapes over his shoulders.

 

Niyethrotep bellowed, "The great and powerful Ramses II has entered."

 

The two others swiveled around quickly. The woman spoke softly,

 

"My greatest apologies, oh divine one, for I did not know you had yet graced us with your presence."

 

"As did I mighty king Ramses," the small man added quickly.

 

They both bowed at the waist so low that the woman's light and curly hair gently tapped the ground, and the man had to hold his hat from coming off.

 

"It is quite alright," Ramses replied, "For if you knew, I am assured you both would honor my presence, Lotuse and Chesterestertonester."

 

"Oh great son of Ra," Lotuse said rising from her bow, "The people are awaiting your words."

 

"Ah, let us keep them in suspense no longer," Ramses said, smiling.

 

Ramses stepped out onto a balcony draped in the finest linens. He waved, scepter in hand, to the cheering crowds that greeted him.

 

"Thank you, fine peoples of Egypt," he said, "As many if not all of you are aware, our campaign against the Nubian empire has succeeded, with two of my great sons riding with me into battle."

 

The crowd cheered as two tall, strong, handsome men appeared to the right of Ramses on a separate balcony.

 

"With this, I make this royal decree in their honor," he said as the crowd hushed gradually, "That today shall be a holiday for all peoples in the kingdom of Egypt."

 

The crowd cheered as Ramses finally bellowed,

 

"Now go and celebrate with feasts and dancing!"

 

Ramses waved to the crowd and went back to his chambers. After a few minutes Niyethrotep walked into the chamber, bowed and asked,

 

"Forgive me for saying so liege, but why is it that we build statues of the gods and not to you, one at least as great as they?"

 

Ramses furrowed his brow, sat up from his resting position and beckoned him closer.

 

"The reason is, quite simply, that the gods, like man, believe themselves to be the center of attention."

---

"Much higher, and place the royal jewels atop the crown of the effigy. Come now! This is a statue of me; do not underestimate my greatness."

 

Nebuchadnezzar stepped away from the statue, appearing to be satisfied with the progress, turned and walked to his palace. At the doors to the palace a young, scholarly man was standing reading from a scroll. As Nebuchadnezzar passed by him, he quickly looked away from his scroll, obviously startled by the kings presence.

 

"Great lord Nebuchadnezzar, I am sorry, I was wrapped up in-"

 

"Worry not, young friend, now what was it you came to speak to me about."

 

"Oh," the young man replied, "Not to question you or your infinite wisdom but....."

 

"Yes Yeskush, you may speak freely," the king assured him.

 

"Well, are we not going a bit far with the gold and jewels, I am concerned that the royal stores will run out of gold for more, how should I say, practical uses?"

 

"Come with me, Yeskush."

 

The king wrapped his arm around the scholar's shoulder and walked him into the palace. They walked along through the halls and as they were, Nebuchadnezzar gestured to the well adorned rooms saying,

 

"Now listen to me. My father began to build this palace through his own sweat and blood. When he died, I spared no expense to finish this palace. Is it not the most grand in all of the nations?"

 

"It is indeed, mighty king."

 

"Then would it not be proper to honor the one who has built such a great palace that will stand for all eternity?"

 

"Yes of course," the young man's face lit up, "I understand now."

 

"Good, then enjoy yourself, for today is a day for celebrating."

 

"I shall O great one." And the scholar left him.

 

Nebuchadnezzar walked deeper into the palace, and found a door he did not recognize. It was a deep blue with a light sea breeze seeming to come from it. He hesitated, then opened the door. The room was adorned with seashells and sea life, the floor littered with great ocean paintings.

 

"Welcome, Aca Ó Fionnáin," someone purred.

 

He turned and saw her. She was a beautiful woman, with dark wavy hair and a nice figure. The startling part about her was that her entire body was a deep and intense shade of blue, and her dress shifted like the waves.

 

"And who might you be referring to?" He replied.

 

"Do not play dumb with someone such as myself. Gods do not take lying lightly, O great son of Ra."

 

"Alright, so you know who I am. What of it?" He grinned, "I have done no wrong, although many of you have a skewed definition of what that is."

 

"I want to know what you are doing," she snarled, "You have no business with any of these peoples."

 

"I have quite a bit of business with them," he growled back, "Do you have kelp in your brain? Do you not know what I truly represent?"

 

"One of the primary rules is-"

 

"I couldn't give a damn about rules, special circumstances apply to anything, and everything. If I don't do what I must do, then the entirety of our existence may fade, and we both know that's not what anyone wants. Especially you Oceanatia."

 

She turned away from him and sat in a chair opposite to him.

 

"Do what you must," Oceanatia sighed, "But a word of caution."

 

She pursed her lips.

 

"He is looking for you."

 

"As if he could find me."

 

"I did."

 

"But it took you 150 years, with some hints. I doubt I'll have any trouble for a few millennia."

 

"Be careful."

 

"How could one as Great as I be thwarted."

 

"Let your conquest not poison your heart."

---

"Send the first line forward, and should they break through let me know at once."

 

"Yes Sir."

 

Alexander ran both of his hands through his hair and exhaled slowly. He paced back and forth across his tent, uninterrupted for several minutes.

 

"What is wrong?"

 

An elderly general stood in the entryway to the tent. He was well muscled and had a large scar across his face. He walked in hunched over. The tent was too small for him to stand straight up in so he kneeled on the floor and sat on his ankles.

 

"Ah, conquering these lands is more tedious than was expected," Alexander sighed, "Wilhelm, what am I to do with all of this, this land, prestige, all of it?"

 

"Well," the old general said stretching his legs out, "I shall tell you this, young Alexander, with great power comes great need to find out what to do with it. Many young conquerors such as yourself, wish to hold the world in their hands, and when they get it, they don't know what to do with it."

 

"But how that helps me, I know not."

 

"Listen, I have been your military adviser for many years, and a leader of conquest for even longer. I can tell you the biggest mistake I've made was not treating my people and soldiers well, and being defeated as a result. These mistakes you must not make."

 

Alexander walked in front of him and put his hand on Wilhelm's shoulder, "Thank you my good friend. Would you care to join me in reviewing the units?"

 

"Why certainly."

 

Both men clambered out of the small tent and stretched toward the sky. They continued onward, checking on their troops as they went.

 

"Indeed, Alexander," Wilhelm chuckled, "With this fine assembly of warriors, you should have no trouble procuring victory."

 

"Thank you Wilhelm," Alexander replied happily, "Your confidence is most gratifying."

 

*8 Months Later*

 

"Aha, Wilhelm, to what do I owe this most gracious honor." Alexander smiled, the formalities weren't needed but they were amusing and both men appreciated the gesture regardless.

 

The hefty general returned with a quick grin, knelt, then stood at his full height, dwarfing all who were in the room, including the king himself.

 

"Your most recent Persian campaign has been incredibly successful." Those in the room clapped and cheered until Alexander waved for silence. "With all the land your kingdom possesses you seem to be king of the world."

 

Alexander glanced upward gestured with his chalice saying, "Something that seems to be true, in this and in most cases, is true."

 

"Indeed my king, but to say in the words of your mother."

 

Alexander grinned, "Let conquest not poison your heart, and let those with power not backstab you."

---

"But Caesar, let us be reasonable-"

 

"You of all people telling me to be reasonable, when you have clearly disgraced Rome many a time yourself, and most openly I might add."

 

"In what way, my conquests have brought nothing but honor to Rome-"

 

"Again you miss the point entirely, 'My conquest this, my conquest that, I'm such a Great commander,' If that meant a thing, many a man would be the ruler of Rome. What I speak of is the way you treat the many others that make your victory last. Your soldiers, your-"

 

"Ah, you accuse me of arrogance and yet the reason I have spoken to you is due to your attempt to seize power for yourself."

 

The two men glared at each other, eye to eye, the conversation steadily increasing in volume. Both of them were dressed in military garb that was almost identical. They had bronze breastplates, with white garments underneath. They circled each other like vultures around a carcass.

 

"Pompey, what is this madness you speak of, my victories have been nothing but for the glory for Rome-"

 

"Play not with me Caesar, for I know what you do in Gaul, this leadership you seem to take temporarily will lead to a much greater evil, and with one as intelligent as yourself, I know what you plan."

 

"Is this true Pompey the Great? Indeed, tell me what it is I plan to do with this conquest?"

 

"Again, play not with me Caesar," Pompey paused, "Deus Homine, putasti nescirem?"

 

"Haha, you do amuse me," Caesar sat down, "Quis es?"

 

"A part of you, and a member of this planet."

 

"Ah," he but his head in his hands and exhaled, "Do you wish to take me back, because if so-"

 

"I came not to scold you, but with a warning," Pompey's face became stern and serious. "There are those who seek to cut short your reign, and also many who wish to find fault in your actions. Do not be amiss with these entities, for they may catch up to you sooner than you may think."

 

"Do not think I am not aware of these threats, Gaias, for I know more than what this Roman lends me, and indeed I am aware of threats both physical and not."

 

"Then remember what Alexander had done and know when to concede."

 

"Aha, maybe not Caesar, but I will still make an empire greater than his, or my own."

---

"I should reign as next Khan."

 

"Oh please, you couldn't rule a barn much less an entire kingdom."

 

"Why does it matter, we'll all get at least something anyway."

 

"That's easy for you to say, being the youngest you'll get it all anyway."

 

"SILENCE!"

 

The three in the room quieted and stared at their brother. His usual calm and collected demeanor never had broken in their presence, and because of this even their father was shocked.

 

"I am sorry father," Ögedei Khan hung his head.

 

"Do not be, for you did as a good Khagan would do." The aging Mongolian, rose from his seat, almost seeming to creak as he rose. "This is also what I came to speak to you about."

 

The four sons scrambled about the room and were eventually seated in front of their father, cross-legged and staring intently. Gehngis smiled. He knew that would peak all of their interests.

 

"As I have been the Supreme Mongol King for what has been many years now, I need to find one of you four worthy, in order to become my true and official successor."

 

Jochi stood up quickly and said, "Father, would this decision not be swift and concise? I as the eldest should-"

 

Ghengis rose his hand, interrupting him.

 

"Shh, my son, -д цаг хугацаа. This decision has not been taken lightly, nor has it been a rapid one. My final decision has already been made."

 

The four sat on the floor staring intently. Ghengis recalled when they looked this way at a much younger age, when he would speak his wisdom to them. Those memories were his fondest, when he had few worries other than the great wars and his aging form. He walked in front of them, strolling slowly.

 

"Jochi, Chagatai, Ögedei, Tolui. All of you are wonderful, and I love you four truly, but only one of you possesses the qualities of a Khan. Jochi, you may be the eldest but your maturity leaves much to be desired."

 

Chatagai poorly tried to hide a snicker. Ghengis glared at him.

 

"You are no great pillar of virtue yourself, for your temper would wear this empire so thin, you would lose all I have worked for in a single year."

 

Chatagai began to say something, but his father's intense stare caused him to change his mind.

 

"Tolui, you are a good son, and you have shown me no flaw but mere inexperience. However that means much in these matters, for inexperience could cost many men their lives."

 

Tolui nodded, "I understand father."

 

"I thought you would. Now, it is because of these reasons that I have chosen Ögedei as my heir. He is calm and collected in battle, is wise in council, and is intelligent in ways of rule."

 

Ögedei stood up to meet his father at eye level.

 

"I shall not fail you father, not now or ever."

 

"I should hope not. Now go, and do not dishonor myself or any other."

 

The four sons stood, bowed to their father and left. Ghengis Khan turned around and smiled at a pillar.

 

"If you are going to hide do a better job. Leave me, for I have decisions to make."

 

As Ghengis left the room, the figure behind the pillar smiled, waved his hand and disappeared into a cloud of black smoke.

---

"Get them both, no beating around the bush with them, they already know so it would be fruitless."

 

"Indeed my friend, I have already sent for them."

 

The two figures stood facing each other, with the chasm on their right. A cocoon of water and earth appeared and one figure arose from each. They both bent on one knee with their heads down.

 

"Rise, Gaias and Oceanatia, for you have done no wrong, I have come to discuss our mutual concern, the one who called himself Alexander."

 

The two stood up in front of them and although they were all about the same height, the two figures that stood in front of the chasm radiated an intimidating aura. They were both dressed in dark colored raiment that covered their faces. Because of the lighting in the cavern its color was impossible to make out.

 

"You both were never meant to find him, no one was. But now that you have...." He sighed. "You tell them, I'm not up to it."

 

"Hmm," the other figure pondered for a moment, then said, "The best way I can put this is that Crèator made a grave mistake. He made something with no ties to himself, and thus, Aca Ó Fionnáin was conceived."

 

"But why is this a problem?" Gaias asked, "Crèator would never explain, he was just looking for him, but he couldn't find him because he couldn't distinguish between him and all other creations."

 

"Almost a matter of control, but primarily because he doesn't have the powers that Aca has-"

 

He stopped abruptly and looked into the chasm. He smiled and looked to the other three and said, "His journey is almost complete, I think he will fill in the gaps eventually. Farewell."

 

The two figures disappeared in a black wave, while Gaias and Oceanatia exited the same way they arrived.

---

"Martha, please-"

 

"Don't 'Martha, please' me. I had to see you go to war, of which I wasn't sure that you'd survive, I will not see you take a position of leadership in this fledgling conglomerate those men call a country."

 

An argument in the Washington house was few and far between, but when they did occur, although intense, were amusing to spectate. For the time, George was a tall and strong man. He was about 180 pounds and a gargantuan 6 feet 3 inches. Martha on the other hand was a dainty 5 foot tall colonial woman. This didn't mean that she wouldn't intimidate some people regardless.

 

"Martha, I told them that neither you nor I wanted this, but I am the only candidate all of Congress can agree on. Especially after what happened with John Hanson."

 

"Then why not give him the position instead of you."

 

"Because not one person trusts Hanson after Shays' rebellion, and I am the only other person that all the people trust." George sighed and sat down. "They believe me to be a fortress that this great nation should be founded on. Are we finished Martha?"

 

She threw her hands up in exasperation, muttered something under her breath about men being stubborn and stormed out of the room.

 

He paced the room for a few moments and began to speak.

 

"No man can see what another man sees, and no man can feel what another man feels, the only way to take what belongs to a man is to take, but given his free will a man can do anything, go anywhere and challenge anyone." He stared out the window. "And that is what I will discover. Now a great symbol of freedom, soon a symbol of oppression. What will I be allowed to do? What acts can I commit?"

---

"Young men of the Hitler Youth, you will be remembered for your great efforts to defend the third Reich. And as always, Heil Hitler!"

 

The young soldiers cheered for him as Adolf went into the Führerbunker with his wife Eva. They went deep into the ground into their bunker. It was a small room, only meant for a short stay. They both knew how this was going to end. They sat on a dilapidated sofa with Eva leaning on Hitler's shoulder.

 

"You know what we will need to do?" He asked.

 

"Yes," she replied, "I am ready, just let me know, and we will go together."

 

"Good."

 

They lived there for almost a day when they heard the sounds of an army approaching. Hitler stood up barely peeking out of the exit to the bunker. He saw what he suspected. The Red Army was approaching the Chancellery. After he discovered yesterday that Mussolini was executed, he knew what he needed to do. He stepped down from the hatch and woke Eva.

 

"It is time."

 

She nodded, sat up and put the capsule in her hand.

 

"Farewell, my love."

 

Then she bit into the capsule. Her death was painless and swift. He caressed her hand for a moment, then stood to accept his own demise.

 

He smiled reminiscently and said, "Ah Mussolini, it always will be, my friend. Our empire will stand throughout time and history."

 

And then he fired.

---

Dying was always annoying. Especially the painful ones. And reincarnation was just as bad, the baby talk and all that crap got old after Alexander. No, now he had done what he had intended. No more inspirations, let them do all of this on their own. Besides now he had a purpose to fulfill. The gates of Thothre were always beautiful, no matter who looked at them. Thothre was the land of the gods, a very bright and clouded place. Almost like the human conception of heaven. It was ironic in a way, he wasn't entirely human nor entirely god and yet he was going to where neither could go. He stepped through the gates into the land of the gods. Crèator was waiting for him.

---

Crèator knew of all things created, except for him. He just didn't know who or what he was. All he knew was that he was staring at a dark haired, scrawny teenager. He was crouched on one knee, examining the clouds under his feet.

 

Crèator asked, "Who are you?"

 

The kid stood up, slightly shorter than him. He smiled, a very distinctive smile at that.

 

"I am the greatest Egyptian Pharaoh the world has known. I am the eternal Babylonian king. I am the Macedonian conquerer of Earth. I am the only Roman to be a god. I am the Mongol warrior who came from nothing to have it all. I am the most revered soldier in history. And, I am the only man to ever kill an entire race of humans, exterminating them with whatever means I could."

 

As he described himself in each sentence, his body shimmered and flickered to match whatever human he was describing.

 

"I am, not who am, but the only god of men. I am, Aca Ó Fionnáin."

 

Crèator was stunned. He didn't know what to think. All this time, thousands of years spent searching for one entity among an infinite number. And he showed up at his doorstep. Right in front of him.

 

"Why do all this," Crèator asked, "Why disappear for millennia, take the place of 7 men. Why?"

 

"Because, I wanted to see what I could get away with without interference, without being touched. I saw that one man could posses all wealth, merely by being born. I saw that man could be vain and as self-centered as the gods who live here. I saw that, if I desired, I could conquer the world, and no one would question me. I saw that a man could be viewed as a god and that humans could be swayed by power and bloodlust. I saw that, even a man's own sons would be willing to view what he has through eyes of greed. I saw that a man could be the father of millions and of a nation of freedom. I also saw that I could eliminate one type of person, a genocide of many, and I could escape, not with my life, but with the knowledge that my task was complete. And that you would do nothing. Nothing to protect that which you created."

 

Crèator was furious.

 

"Do not insinuate that I would let evil permeate anything that I had power o-"

 

"I didn't insinuate a thing. I told you. You let me kill many and escape unharmed. Now the blood is on your hands."

 

Aca strode angrily away, leaving no trail behind him.

---

It was weird. The first moment he was walking away from Crèator, the next he was in a cave, with two figures standing in front of a large chasm.

 

"Here he is."

 

"Thank you Space. Allow me to speak with him alone, it is better that way."

 

"Indeed."

 

He then disappeared in a purple flash.

 

"Ah, Aca come here." The figure said beckoning him toward the chasm. Aca walked over and stood next to the figure looking into the silvery river. The figure had a hood just barely covering all of his face.

 

"Look at this river and concentrate, what do you see."

 

He stared at it for a long time and said, "I can't make anything out except for a few scenes, nothing distinctive."

 

"This is all of history, everything. Even what you did, and without what you did, would you like to see it? Imagine what humans could have done without your assistance."

 

"How can you do this. Why are you doing this? I thought all of the powerful gods hated me."

 

"Not all of them Aca," he lifted up his hood, and Aca saw the face of every wiseman in history very quickly before his face became solidified on one distinct set of features.

 

He said, "Aca, I am Time."

 

[Catterjune]

-doesn't read it-

 

What's the story about?

[ShimoHkun1]

I'm not sure how to give a synopsis without spoiling most of the story tbh. I wish I could but I don't think I can. It's partially due to the way the story was written so, I can say it follows a good amount of history with the way the story flows.

 

Sorry if that doesn't help. :(

[ShimoHkun1]

Bump cuz I need feedback

[Catterjune]

I read the first scene and stopped 'cause it was terrible.

My feedback is write better.

Nah j/k. My feedback is to write with a purpose. What's the point of the opening scene? Put yourself in the readers shoes. What do you want them to think or feel or take away from after they finish reading it? After that, work towards that goal. That's why I asked for a summary. I wanted to know what you thought of the story and see how it compared to how your story made me feel. It... didn't work 'cause you couldn't even manage an easy task like that.

From as near as I could tell, the opening scene is some gods or or otherwise powerfully magical people watching something from somewhere. Am I wrong? I dunno, maybe. If I am, write your story better so that I get a clearer idea of the picture in your mind.

 

Then we jump to like, ancient Egypt or something and someone is talking about a war or something. I stopped reading here cause it was terrible and shitly written.

 

Write with a purpose. Try to read your story from your audiences point of view. Try to lead your reader into how you want them to think and feel. You're not a CNN reporter. You're not a court stenographer. You don't have to write it like you're reporting on just the facts.

 

Add motions and movement when you write, not this "he said/she said/they said/we said" crap. It reads like a god damn play. It feels stiff.

 

"We're no strangers to love." he said with a coy smile.

"You know the rules and so do I!" she responded with a pout as she crossed her arms.

She looked at the puppy dog face he made and sighed "A full commitments what I'm thinking of."

"You wouldn't get that from any other guy." he said earnestly.

"I just wanna tell you how I'm feeling." she said as her face began to blush.

"Gotta make you understand." he put his hand on her shoulder and leaned in for a kiss.

 

Some sheet like that. I dunno.

[ShimoHkun1]

As much as I appreciate bluntness, in the future might I suggest that you ease up a bit with the savagery on the critique? It doesn't particularly bother me, but that kind of stuff is what causes people to stop writing and become discouraged.

 

Aside from that when it comes to the actual story, it does make more sense when you read it further, but I do understand what you mean by the stiff directions and I'll try and fix that as best I can. With the story specifically how should I make it less stiff?

 

Also I love your example, just saying. :)

[Catterjune]

Re: Stiff Directions

I mean, you describe sheet but why is any of it important?

> "The two men were sitting on lavish cushions with a bowl of fruits between them."

Were any of them eating it? Was it lunch time? That helps set the time of day more.

If they ate, how did they eat? The pharaoh might eat like a dainty princess with the finest of silverware. Mr Military Man maybe eats like hungry jack and goes with his hands and eats like a slob. Maybe he's hungry from fighting the war? Maybe he's a slob? Maybe hes grotesquely overweight and as we all know bad traits = bad character. Or maybe he also eats like a dainty princess.

There's just so many ways to take "a bowl of fruit between them". Is Mr Military interrupting the Pharaoh's lunch? Is the Pharaoh so caught up his lunch and being a big fatty that he doesn't realize his military is in shambles?



I think more than anything though I find your characters boring. Mr Military tries to convince the Pharaoh to attack some people... we don't really know why, specifically. We don't need to know his specific reasons, but I'd at least like to know how they made him feel emotionally over it.

If I were writing it I'd do something like. "With the insults they swung, those craven infidels made me embarrassed to wear my family seal in public!"

Shame's a pretty common emotion, plus it establishes that Military Man values loyalty and his family. Again, I don't know if that's the direction you want to take your character. These are all pretty generic examples.

And as the Pharaoh's response, maybe something like. "Be still, I am certain they value their lives over their honor. I'm sure nobody wishes to begin another war again so soon."

Just changing the second sentence a bit and it implies something's happened before and it was something that shapped his current decision. Maybe as a youth he was eager for the riches of war but now he's matured and has people he cares about more than any riches? Maybe the last war claimed his mother and father's lives, or someone else equally important to him?

 

What I'm saying is, there has to be a reason Mr Military wants war. Maybe they insulted his family. Maybe he's a warhawk and wants to plunder their riches. Maybe the scoundrels are legit causing problems to the city and he's going to explain it scientifically. ("Ever since the scoundrels have shown up, our wheat has gone down by whatever percent!")

 

And maybe there's a reason the Pharaoh wants to avoid conquest. Maybe he lost someone before. Maybe he's a big scaredy cat. Maybe he knows something about the scoundrels that Mr Military doesn't know.

 

tl;dr - Come up with a backstory for all your characters, or at least your important ones. You don't have to tell us 100% of the details 100% of the time, but whatever backstory you think of for these people should shine in small ways throughout their mannerisms, the way they speak, and what choices they make. Your story should be about an important event in their lives, but not their whole lives. The tip of an iceberg hiding a much richer underlying story.


Re: "Ease up on savagery in the critiques"

Oh no! Less bad writers on the fanfic section!? Whatever shall I do!?