[Original Work] Oh My God (title and chapter names not finalized) - Ch.2 out!

[Astolfo]

[Catterjune]

The formatting is a huge pain in the ass to read.

 

The story is basically non existant.

 

The characters are equally non existant, other than... I assume the Sleeping Man? Doesn't seem to care much for his job. It's... something. Though we don't get too much about his job or why he doesn't care about it or some other nonsense like that.

 

I don't wanna make the obvious joke of "Hurr, Chapter 1 is called Who Cares? which is what you'll be saying after you finish reading it!" but... well honestly, yeah. I don't really care about any of the people in this story so far. I mean, maybe on a basic human level. Suck that you got dragged to hell but even then the Sleepy Man tells us they never exited anyway so whatever...

 

I miss the old minimum post count rule. =|

[Astolfo]

Bump, a few edits to chapter 1 made for clarity.

 

Chapter 2 now out!

[Astolfo]

Bump, reps for not lazy reviews.

[Catterjune]

I mean, I thought my review was pretty not-lazy...

 

Your first chapter is 286 words. My review of it is 144 words. I mean, if you want me to write more in my review then you did in your entire actual first chapter.... here goes! ;D

 

 

Chapter 1:

 

The writing style is awful. It reads like a court stenographer describing, visually, what he sees.

 

"Two humans are standing somewhere."

 

That's the best you can do? That's putting your best foot forward? It's crap!

 

How exactly were they standing? Were they cautious? "They shifted their weight as they remained unsure of what exactly they were standing on. " Were they worried? "Their eyes flitted about from [marble columns?] to [statues?] before finally resting on [man in front of gate?]" Were they tired? "Though the bright lights around them could keep anyone awake, they couldn't help but feel fatigued and overwhelmed by what they saw." Were they confused? "There minds were as cloudy as the mist before them." This is a WRITING forum, not a describing sheet exactly as you see it forum.

 

Don't get me wrong, describing sheet is important. But there's better ways to do. Show action, and through your action describe and set up the scene.

 

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You keep calling the lazy sleeping "figure" by... not a gender, even though you have one of your characters refer to this figure as "Lord" rather then... anything else. It's distracting, at best, and funking confusing at worst. And there's no real reason to it, as far as I can tell. The story is not enriched by having a gender-neutral guardian on the throne.

 

And if you did want to make them ambiguous, why use the word "it" instead of "they"? It's completely off putting.

 

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So in the ending, nothing really happens. Or rather, something happens but it happens to some chumps we don't know, don't care about, and will likely never see again. And even if we do see them again, nothing of consequence was built up here. If they do show up again, we could have skipped this chapter and not been worse off. And if they don't show up again... this chapter was an even bigger dumb waste of time.

 

 

 

CHAPTER 2!

 

So like, God goes into a burger shack or something, and he keeps changing genders, ages, and ethnicity. He sits down, orders a burger, and... eats it and then whatever. Nothing happens again, is basically what i"m saying.

 

This chapter was slightly better, in that it at least wasn't completely straight forward. "sheet happened. No one cares. The end." Like... you may have had to re-read it or think about the title to get the shapeshifting "twist".

 

The problem I guess is that... we don't really get a reaction from the people in Company Burger. That's like, half the fun. There's a reason sheet's filmed before a live studio audience. There's a reason magician's don't do cool magic tricks in front of no one. The reaction of people to clever things is often the most enjoyable part. So he shows up as a twelve year old boy, then turns into a Black man. The cashier is just... non-existant. She's not shocked. She's not even like "oh, that's a normal thing that happens!" She just... isn't mentioned anymore. And that really funking sucks. It was a mildly interesting concept and you just funked it up by writing poorly.

 

 

 

tl;dr - It's a bad story that could be greatly improved by not being lazy and writing more to it.

[Astolfo]

First of all, I was referring to future reviews.

I wasn't calling yours lazy.

Chill, no need to be an ass.

 

Second of all, the whole point to the first chapter was the ambiguity, but yes, I could have described it better.

 

Third, no, God did not shapeshift or whatever. I thought that was fairly clear, but guess not.

If there was someone shape shifting like that, do you really think I'd be stupid enough to have none of them notice it?

The point was that God had no set figure or appearance and that everyone saw God differently. Hence, someone saw God as some 12 year old white boy.

Someone else saw God as some African American man.

Someone else saw God as a young Mexican girl.

So on and so forth.

 

tl;dr - You're acting childish and immature that could have been greatly improved by not immediately shitting out whatever the first thing that popped into your head was and using a bit of common sense.