Tokyo Mirage Sessions #FE 2

[Astro Dude]

This is just my idea for a Tokyo Mirage Sessions #FE 2, if Atlus, Intelligent Systems and Nintendo did not make it already. The setting will be in America, Los Angeles California to be specific. There will be more characters, more Mirages, a party of 22, with six battle members while the rest are backup. I have characters planned out:

 

[spoiler Main Characters]

Marcus

 

Age: 22

 

Main character. Marcus has known both female leads since childhood. He's a college student that accels in athletics and academics, he's a straight. He was quite surprised when he finds out he has Performa in him and has the potential to be a Mirage Master. He stands up for his friends and allies. Uses a Sword in combat, is in the Lord class

 

Ike from Fire Emblem Path of Radiance/Radiant Dawn

Marcus' partner. Unlike the Mirages from the last game, these mirages retain their memories. As such, Ike is a great leader, capable of bringing many races together. In battle, Ike transforms into a sword. Can be upgraded to either Great Lord or Vanguard.

 

Jennifer

 

Age: 20

 

One of a pair of twins who were sent to live with their grandfather after another Mass Disappearance in New York seven years prior. Jennifer is a tomboy with great physical prowess and great grades. Now that she's a college student, even though she never thought of it, she has a very strong interest in music and wants to be a pop star. Uses a naginata in combat and is in the Sky Knight (Pegasus Knight) class. Wears oriental clothing like Hinoka.

 

Hinoka From Fire Emblem Fates Birthright/Conquest/Revelations

 

Elder princess of Hoshido. Hinoka has the spirit of a warrior despite being a princess. Trained to be a Sky Knight since age 7 she strives to be the best. Often times working herself to the point of exhaustion. She sees a bit of herself in Jennifer. She can be upgraded to either a Falcon Knight or a Kinshin Knight.

 

Sally

 

Age: 20

 

Jennifer's twin sister who lives with her and her grandfather after the events seven years prior. Unlike Jennifer, genetics has been kinder to her. She looks like a long-blonde haired, tanned, chesty girl whose looks drive men crazy and make women furious. It's through seductive charm she gets teachers to give her good grades. Jennifer does not approve of this tactic however. Her whole life changes after she is brought to the principal's office only to be taken to an Idolasphere to be sapped of her Performa. Uses an indestructible electric guitar in the shape of an Axe in combat and is in the Wyvern Rider class. In combat, shows off her body by wearing an armored bikini and strap-on heels. The music from the guitar amplifies her spells. Plans to be rock star/dancer.

 

Camilla From Fire Emblem Fates Birthright/Conquest/Revelations

 

Elder princess of Nohr. She and her partner Sally are much alike as they both have curvacious bodies but Camilla's personality is motherly one minute and bloodthirsty during battle. Very affectionate. She can be promoted to either a Wyvern Lord or Malig Knight.

 

Michael

 

Age: 21

 

Friend of the trio. He's a living Michael Jackson impersonator, as if the spirit of Michael himself never left the earth. Has mastered the Moonwalk and has since obtained a strong Performa. Weilds a pair of swords in battle and is in Dancer class. He wishes one day to be a pop dancer so that Michael Jackson can live on.

 

Olivia From Fire Emblem Awakening

 

Michael's partner. Shy and introverted, The only dancer who wields a sword to be honest. Can not promote, but can provide support. Transforms into a pair of swords for Michael to use.

 

Gordo and Grace

 

Gordo is 22 years old and Grace is 21

 

Gordo and Grace are a respective brother and sister that have been together since they were children. Gordo is the muscle and talks like a surfer dude and Grace speaks with sincerity and refinement, though she does like to talk like a normal person. There are times where they would be at each other's throats but it only strengthens the bond between them. Each one has performa equal in strength. Gordo wields a spear and like Marcus is a Lord and has a sun tattoo on his left hand, while Grace wields a sword, is more of a Lady and has a moon tattoo on her right hand.

 

Ephraim and Eirika from Fire Emblem Sacred Stones

 

Gordo and Grace's respective Mirage Partners. The royal siblings of Renais. Promotions are similar to Ike's.

 

Nicole

 

Age: I would say 36, then again she should not talk about it

 

Jennifer and Sally's mother who disappeared seven years prior and has lost her performa to the evil Sonia, possessed by her and using her songs to drain away the life of others. After encountering her children after seven years she has no memory of who they are. When they sing for her, she remembers all the lullabies she sang for them, causing her to break Sonia's hold on her and allowing Marcus to set her free. Being a former performer, she is also kind to her children, but can be strict when she needs to be. She serves as a secretary for the purpose of rehabilitation. In battle, she wields a spear and starts as a Cavalier.

 

Titania From Fire Emblem Path of Radiance/Radiant Dawn

 

A sort of mother figure to Ike, and Nicole's new partner after Arete is dispelled from her. Can be upgraded to either Paladin or Great Knight.

 

Amy 

 

Age: Since she's like Maiko from TMS #FE, No one should know.

 

Head of the Fortuna Entertainment American branch. She's just as beautiful as Maiko from the previous games, has a somewhat high tolerance for alcohol and has very high performa. Despite being the boss, she does like to get her hands dirty in combat. In battle she wields a katana and is yet another Lord. She has a long and violent talk to anyone who says she's old. She founded the American branch of Fortuna Entertainment one year after Maiko founded the Japanese branch.

 

Lyndis from Fire Emblem Blazing Sword.

 

Main heroine from Blazing Sword and Amy's partner. A strong swordswoman sometimes she needs to keep Amy in check. Can be upgraded to either a Great Lord or Conqueror. 

 

Paula

 

Age: 20

 

A classmate of the trio who knew about the incident in New York and has since done research on it. After a major breakthrough she finds a nearby idolasphere. After singing a song she lures out a Mirage and uses her performa on it, thus forming a bond with it. In battle, she uses a bow and arrows and starts as an Archer.

 

Shinon from Fire Emblem Path of Radiance/Radiant Dawn

 

A veteran member of the Greil mercenaries and Paula's partner though not by choice. Always has a curt way of talking to others. Can be upgraded to either Sniper or Assassin.

 

Alexa

 

Age: 23

 

A world renowned pop star who, like Kiria, has a cool appearance and has a secret fondness of cute things. She is considered the twins idol and rival, yet is kind and compassionate. In battle she uses a staff and magic and starts as a Light Mage.

 

Micaiah from Fire Emblem Radiant Dawn

 

A member of the Daein Liberation Front and ally of Ike. An expert in Light Magic that can deal devastating blows. Can be upgraded to Light Sage or Sorcerer.

 

Ezekiel

 

Age: 25

 

A former boy-band member who never let fame get to his head. He lost his little brother to a Mirage attack 3 years prior, but reunited after all that time after saving him. Wields the Raijinto katana and starts as a Myrmidon.

 

Ryoma From Fire Emblem Fates Birthright/Conquest/Revelations

 

Ezekiel's partner who shares his sympathy for loss of loved ones. The Lord of Hoshido and Hinoka's older brother. After Evil Mirages claimed his family he felt powerless, but upon meeting Ezekiel and carrying a common purpose to find their siblings, Ezekiel puts aside his hatred toward Mirages to become Ryoma's partner. Can be upgraded to Sword Master or Master of Arms.

 

Justin

 

Age: 24

 

A former actor who quit the profession after Mirages took his little sister three years prior. After the reunion he decides to join Fortuna, with his sister joining the fight, despite his objections. Wields Siegfried and starts as a Cavalier.

 

Xander From Fire Emblem Fates Birthright/Conquest/Revelation

 

The king of Nohr and Camilla's brother. He shares Justin's plight and agrees to be his partner, like the bond between Ezekiel and Ryoma. Can be upgraded to Paladin or Dark Knight.

 

Andy

 

Age: 19

 

Ezekiel's little brother and the boss of chapter 2. Possessed by the Mirage of Anthony, a minor antagonist from Fire Emblem Revelations. When Marcus severs him, the Mirage controlling him is revealed to be a hideous monster made as an amalgamation of other horror monsters. A Chimera of sorts. After the ordeal, Andy provides moral support and serves as an NPC.

 

Kyoko

 

Age: 12

 

A child star, born in Japan and raised by her American Mother who once believed she could get away with anything she wanted. During chapter 2 she and her rival Suzie were taken by evil mirages. With no one to help her she became scared as she was prepared to be another offering to the Mirages. When Marcus saves her, she is grateful to him and swears to change her ways. She wields a staff in battle and starts as a Shrine Maiden.

 

Sakura from Fire Emblem Fates Birthright/Conquest/Revelation

 

Youngest princess of Hoshido and Ryoma's little sister. Often times she sand Kyoko would butt heads, but their resolve is unshakable. Can be upgraded to Priestess or Onmyoji.

 

Suzie

 

Age: 12

 

Kyoko's rival in show biz, and Justin's little sister. Although the same age as her, she is not spoiled. She has all the luxuries she could ever want, but no friends to share them with, making her miserable since her family is always busy. Garon took advantage of this by forcing Elise to merge with her, thus creating an evil version of herself. When Marcus freed her, she was very grateful because she has finally found a friend in her and through this, stands up for Elise when Garon berates her and nearly tries to kill her. She starts off as a Troubadour.

 

Elise from Fire Emblem Fates Birthright/Conquest/Revelation

 

Youngest daughter in the Nohr royal family and Xander's little sister. Elise shares some insight with Suzie on friendship and family. Can be upgraded to Maid or Strategist.

 

Lucy

 

Age: 31

 

A former star who has fallen from grace at the age of 30 and lost all hope in the world. With Ursula's power she goes on a destructive rampage, hurting those who have wronged her. After being reminded that there is still hope in the world for her, she and Marcus break the forced bond Ursula placed on her and defeat her. Afterwhich, she learns from the example set to her by Marcy and convinces Ursula to be her partner, which she accepts. She starts as a Troubadour. 

 

Azura from Fire Emblem Fates

 

The boss of Chapter 4 who blinded by hatred and rage after the defeat of Arete. Shares traits from Azura in Fire Emblem Fates Revelation. To achieve this, she possesses Lucy, a former star who hit rock bottom and as such helps her have revenge on those who wronged her. When Marcus separates her from Lucy, she is revealed to be a female bellydancer mirage, with a berserk look in her eyes. After the battle, Lucy will forgive Azura since she was only following orders. As such, she becomes reborn and serves as a new, true partner for Lucy, swearing to use her powers for good.

 

Marta

 

Age: 25

 

A fan of Lucy's who helps her see that the world is not as bleak as she initially thought. After the chapter she serves as an NPC.

 

Tami and Tammy

 

Age 19

 

Identical twins who are born mere seconds apart. People often assume that Tammy is the older sister because she is more outgoing, verbal, has longer hair and is an inch taller compared to Tami, who is somewhat shy, insecure about herself, has shorter hair and an inch shorter than Tammy. This could not be more further from the truth since, as it turns out, Tami is the older sister while Tammy is the younger sister. Another way you can tell these two apart are the weapons they use while in Carnage form. Tammy uses a rapier while Tami uses an axe and both start at the Lord class. Their mother was friends with Amy.

 

Hector from Fire Emblem Binding Blade

 

Tami's partner who is more brash than Tammy, however there is a method to his madness as he tries in his own way to help Tami with her insecurities.

 

Eliwood from Fire Emblem Binding Blade

 

Tammy's partner who is more humble than Tammy. He tries to help her be a better person with kindness and compassion.

 

 

 

 

[spoiler Returning Cast]

Basically, everyone from the past game, will return, all of them 2 years older with some new twists:

 

Maiko will have Elincia from FE PoR as a partner, she starts as Pegasus Knight and Elincia can be promoted to either Falcon Knight or Dragon Knight.

 

Barry will have Largo also from PoR starting off as a Fighter and can be promoted to either Warrior or Berserker.

 

Tiki will be the same.

 

Riku, from the Touma Side Quest, will have Abel as a partner, and like Cain, is a Cavalier, and can be promoted to either Paladin or Dark Knight.

 

Elenora Yumizuru joins the American branch along with Virion from Awakening and join at the end of Chapter 2.

 

Itsuki reunites with Chrom

 

Tsubasa reunites with Caeda and is still as funny as ever

 

Kiria reunites with Tharja

 

Touma reunites with Cain and takes Riku under his wing since he is partnered with Able

 

Mamorin reunites with Draug

 

Yashiro reunites with Naverre

 

 

 

[spoiler Antagonists]

Arete from Fire Emblem Fates Revelation (Voiced by Carrie Keranen)

 

The first boss of the game. She is arrogant and vain, belittling both Jennifer and Sally for not saving their mother. Once her hold on Nicole is broken, she fights the party with her own strength as a Dark Mage but is soundly defeated.

 

Anthony from Fire Emblem Revelations (voiced by Bella Hudson)

 

The boss of the second chapter. He controlled Andy to steal child stars in order to maintain his youth. After Marcus severs him from his host he is revealed to be an amalgamation of different monsters from horror films, with different heads on different parts of his body:

• The head of Frankensein's monster is his left shoulder, with a muscular left arm
• The head of the Wolfman is his left foot.
• The head of Dracula is on his chest with bat wings on his back.
• The head of Freddie Kreuger is on his right arm, with a clawed hand.
• The head of a Lamia is on his left hand, which serves as a shield.
• The head of a Harpie is on his back, providing another pair of wings.
• The head of a mummy is on his right foot.
• He wears a hockey mask, like Jason Vorhees, only with no face behind it.

He fights the party but is defeated with his last words indicating fear in his voice.

 

Azura from Fire Emblem Blazing Sword (Voiced by Rna Strober)

 

The boss of Chapter 4 who blinded by hatred and rage after the defeat of Arete. Shares traits from Azura in Fire Emblem Fates Revelation. To achieve this, she possesses Lucy, a former star who hit rock bottom and as such helps her have revenge on those who wronged her. When Marcus separates her from Lucy, she is revealed to be a female bellydancer mirage, with a berserk look in her eyes. After the battle, Lucy will forgive Azura since she was only following orders. As such, she becomes reborn and serves as a new, true partner for Lucy, swearing to use her powers for good.

 

Garon from Fire Emblem Fates Birthright/Conquest/Revelation (Voiced by Travis Willingham)

 

Evil king of Nohr, father of the Nohr royals, Xander, Camilla and Elise, and boss of chapter 3. He forces Elise to merge with Suzie and forces her to kill herself to prey on Xander's weakness. Garon is a 3-stage boss: First he is fought as his humanoid self, wielding an axe. When he loses one third of his health he becomes his Empty Vessel form, taking on a gelatinous form, slowly melting away. However, one he's down to one third of his health, the gel reforms and he transforms into his Blight Dragon form. However he is soundly defeated. 

 

 

If there are any Fire Emblem characters you might like to see, I'll add them to the roster before I write the whole story.

 

[spoiler Prologue]

Seven years ago, two girls,twins, were invited to see their mother's debut performance in a Broadway musical. The show was going great until a dark mist spread throughout the theater, devouring everyone except the two girls, who were all alone. After which, their grandfather decided to take them in.

 

Time passed, now the girls attend college in Los Angeles California and are Juniors, along with Marcus, a friend they knew since childhood. One day, Jennifer walks up to Marcus.

 

Jennifer: "Hey Marcus."

 

Marcus: "Hi Jennifer. What's up?"

 

Jennifer: "I just got another A+ on my biology exam."

 

Marcus: "That's wonderful."

 

PA: "Sally, report to the principal's office immediately."

 

Marcus: "Sounds like Sally is in trouble."

 

Jennifer: "I'm not surprised. She always uses her looks to get what she wants, but soon that will probably soon end."

 

At the principal's office, Sally was chewing her bubblegum while the principal was going over her major offenses and the crime of charming the teachers to give her good grades.

 

Principal: "Anything you'd like to say for yourself?"

 

Sally unbuttons her blouse and tries to sweet talk the principal into letting her off scott free.

 

Principal: "Very nice... Ahem. I will be willing to overlook your transgressions, in exchange for a favor."

 

Sally: "Sure thing. What is it?"

 

As Sally continued to strip...

 

Principal: "I head your mother was the famed Broadway actress Nicole, who disappeared seven years ago."

 

Sally was shocked to hear the principal mention her mother. She stopped stripping and put her clothes back on.

 

Sally: "You knew my mother?"

 

Principal: "Of course, you have her looks, which brings us to that favor I mentioned..."

 

Sally: "Like I said, what is it you want?"

 

Principal: "Nothing much--"

 

the principal soon turned purple with his arms and legs turning black.

 

Principal: "JUST YOUR PERFORMA!"

 

Sally let out a scream so loud Marcus and Jennifer heard it. They rushed over to the Principal's office. Marcus opened the door and was shocked at what he saw. Jennifer covered her eyes thinking Sally and the Principal were having an affair. When she opened her eyes, she could not believe what she saw: There was a sort of gateway in the principal's office and Sally was being dragged into it by red cloaked creatures.

 

Principal: "Sorry to leave you like this but duty calls!"

 

The principal enters the portal and disappears.

 

Marcus: "We have to go after him."

 

Jennifer: "Yeah, who knows what she'll do to them."

 

Marcus: "I think you got it backwards."

 

Jennifer: "This is my sister we're talking about."

 

Marcus: "Point taken."

 

Marcus and Jennifer enter the portal. On they other side they could not believe what they were seeing: A warped reality version of their high school. Suddenly, they get a call from Michael.

 

Marcus: "Wow, I'm surprised we get good reception here."

 

Marcus answers the phone.

 

Michael: "Hey, it's me. I've been trying to get a hold of you guys. Where have you been?"

 

Marcus: "You're not going to believe this, but we are in an alternate reality. Sally was taken here."

 

Michael: "Sal's there too? I'll be right there. Whatever you do, don't do anything stupid."

 

Marcus: "We'll try."

 

Marcus hangs up. Jennifer and Marcus agree to head deeper. As they do, they see the Utaloid Tiki, who says nothing but wants them to follow her. As they follow her they see a student, a member of the drama club, male, surrounded by the red cloaked figures. They use some magic on him and he becomes the same as the principal.

 

Principal?: "This will make a wonderful addition to our ranks. We must hurry. She grows impatient."

 

The figures vanish. As they descend deeper, they soon find themselves stalked by two other red cloaked figures. They head into a blue building. Inside, they find Sally, who has a glowing purple orb pulled out of her and another red cloaked figure trying to merge with it. As Jennifer and Marcus try to save her, they are grabbed by the two cloaked figures. While they are struggling, a blue orb of light emerged from Marcus while a pink one came out of Jennifer. The two cloaked figures released the two. Marcus uses his orb to attack the cloaked figure that restrained him. The cloak burned off to reveal a young man with dark skin, blue eyes, hair to match, a moth guard, a headband an a familiar sword. After seeing what Marcus did, Jennifer took her orb and attacked the figure who restrained her. When the cloak was burned off, it revealed a young woman with red hair and oriental clothing, carrying with her a Naginata.

 

Young man: "What happened to me?"

 

Young woman: "Probably the same thing that happened to me."

 

Suddenly, more cloaked figures emerged and attacked. Marcus and Jennifer were about to hold them off, but the young man drew his sword and the young woman readied her Naginata.

 

Young man: "We'll hold them off."

 

Young woman: "You help the girl."

 

While the two youths fended off the creatures, Marcus leapt up, grabbed Sally's purple orb of light and attacked the cloaked figure. The cloak burned off to reveal a busty woman with long lilac hair, armored boots and gauntlets and armor whose front-piece looked like the head of a dragon, though skin is revealed at certain points. The woman lets go of Sally, but the creatures were still coming. The young man told the others to watch him and Marcus and do what they do.

 

Young man: "Yell out Carnage Form!"

 

Marcus: "Okay, CARNAGE FORM!"

 

The young man turned into a sword and Marcus's clothing changed as well, to that of a mercenary. Jennifer and Sally do the same.

 

Jennifer and Sally: "Carnage Form!"

 

Jennifer's body starts glowing red and white, dons oriental clothing, her hair becomes black with red tips and she wieds a naginata. Sally's body glows black and purple. Her hair is the same only with lilac tips. She dons a black armored bikini with Dragon's head shoes, Dragon's head shoulder pads and a dragon's head crown. The bikini itelf is made of Dragon Scales. The three were then ready to fight the creatures.

 

Basic tutorial stuff. Three enemies, An Ironclad Myrmidon, Spearmaster and Fighter..

 

 

[Maeriberii Haan]

Moved. With how the thread is structured, it fits better in Story Planning and even with the prologue and epilogue not having any explicit length regulation, little bit over 3 lines doesn't pass as one.

[Astro Dude]

Thanks. Just need to come up with dialogue. Just don't expect me to write up boss battle details.

 

But what do you think of the characters so far?

[Catterjune]

I'll tell you what I think! ;D


First of all, I don't know who any of the people listed under "Voiced By" are. I might recognize their voice, and I kinda recognize Johnny Yong Bosch's name but I don't know him off the top of my head without a google search.

So like, what the funk is this exactly? Are you writing a story or are you doing a TV show or web series? Why do you even include a "voice by" section? You don't even have the first line of dialogue down and you're already putting the cart before the horse.

So anyway, you have all these [Characters] (Voice by someone) Like... why? Does that add or in some way contribute to the written text of the story? If I do ever read this story and this isn't just fan wanking, I'm gonna read everyone's voice as Gilbert Gottfried.


On-topic though: I skipped all the characters and headed straight to the prologue. It's awful. And it's not because it's a play. There's plenty of good, interesting plays with stage direction and good flow and believable characters. I hate this story mostly because it's just written so terribly. You have really funking god awful lines like: "Sally was shocked to hear the principal mention her mother. She stopped stripping and put her clothes back on."

And characters just act in a stupid, unrealistic way. There's a portal to another dimension and Marcus and Jen walk in without a second thought. I mean, is this supposed to be comedic? I guess I can find some humour in an exchange like "who knows what she'll do to them" "I think you got it backwards" "this is my sister we're talking about". Hahaha, she's more worried about the demon principal than herself.

Long story short, it's bad, poorly written, and even the style that it's written in is bad. Either write a better play, don't write a play and write it like a regular story, or just don't write it at all.

[Astro Dude]

It isn't finished yet. I still have to finish the prologue. This is an idea for a sequel for a game that was Japanese audio only. Granted it was to see what Japan is like, but still. Anyway the setting is in America, the voice cast was my choosing. It may be years from now, but it will be the next big thing.

 

 "Sally was shocked to hear the principal mention her mother. She stopped stripping and put her clothes back on."

 

Allow me to explain this line: Sally is stripping because since the principal is male and Sally has a smokin' hot body she could use it to get out of whatever trouble she is in. When the principal mentions her mother, she realizes she must be here, a woman she had not seen in seven years and she can not let her see her seducing the principal, so she puts her clothes back on.

 

Anyway, how can I make the writing better?

[Catterjune]

If you really can't tell why a line like "she stopped stripping" is completely ridiculous there's really no hope for you.

[Astro Dude]

I'm only doing this for fun, I'm not trying to win an award. But tell me, why is that line ridiculous.

[Phantom Roxas]

Do you believe that Nintendo, Atlus, and Intelligent Systems will make a sequel to the game? Is this what you would like it to be, or are you genuinely pitching a story to Nintendo? Do you aim to produce a fanfic, or do you hope that what you write would become an official product released by the companies?

 

What is the purpose of offering the voice cast? Judging by how you said “It may be years from now, but it will be the next big thing”, I’m reminded of your thread listing out who you want for the Monster Musume dub cast. Are you listing the various voice actors just because it could offer a neat bonus effect for readers to imagine specific voice actors, or if this is a proposal to the companies to make an actual game, are those who you are casting for a game you want to exist? Basically I’m trying to find the line between “fanfic” and “I want the companies to make this specific game I wrote with these specific actors.”

 

As for the prologue, I’m going to be writing points as I read them.

 

[spoiler=Here’s my review. It’s… not going to be pleasant, though.]The first three lines offer a fairly basic setup, but it’s very rushed. Saying “a dark mist spread throughout the theater, devouring everyone except the two girls, who were all alone” states what happened, but I don’t really have a reason to care. It’s so casually stated like it barely evokes much emotion. The tragedy of this scene is better off alluded, or should be given a much longer focus. It’s far too brief, and doesn’t seem to mean much in context, since you’re shifting to a different scene.

 

“Time passed” is just a completely unnecessary phrase, so just remove that. The proper start for this story is “One day, Jennifer walks up to Marcus.”, so build up to that conversation. The sentence preceding it does offer valuable information, but it’s not a good opening. Spread this information throughout the prologue, or even another chapter or two. “Now the girls attend college in Los Angeles California and are Juniors, along with Marcus, a friend they knew since childhood” is something the readers should piece together on their own, rather than have it be the fourth sentence of the entire story.

 

…And now we get to script format. While I myself am very heavy on dialogue, I try to avoid scripts. Even if all you did was write Jennifer said, “________”, it’d still be better than what you have now. What’s important of learning Jennifer’s grade on her biology exam? The most important part of this conversation is Jennifer remarking how Sally “always uses her looks to get what she wants, but soon that will probably soon end." I’d like to point out the repetition of “soon”, which I assume was accidental. In any case, I believe I spoke too soon saying that the proper start was Jennifer approaching Marcus, as the more important thing so far is the knowledge that Sally has been called to the principal’s office. I would just remove this part entirely, and instead skip to Sally being at the principal’s office.

 

As for what Sally is doing, how was she charming her professor? Couldn’t her indecent exposure be a problem? And then you have the principal complimenting her breasts. Why would he ask a favor from her? I’m fairly certain that Sally resorting to bribery should just result in her being punished. How did this guy become a principal? Then again, while I’m not sure which specific college in Los Angeles she’s going to (Is it UCLA?), since I just graduated from a California college, I can safely say that we don’t have principals. We have “deans”.

 

“As Sally continued to strip…” Putting aside how inappropriate and ridiculous this is, you could have this in the same sentence as when the dean principal begins to speak. Since he’s revealing that he knows about Sally’s mother, this is offering us information already offered in the first two sentences. It seems more important in this particular moment, which makes those first two sentences redundant. Though I thought that the show was the mother’s debut? How can she be defined as a “famed” actress when she had all of one performance to her name, which she disappeared in the middle of?

 

Oh wait, and now the dean principal is a demon. Um, okay. Are we supposed to find it terrifying that he turned a different color? Sure, Sally is screaming, but why should the reader be scared as well? Anyway, then come Jennifer and Marcus, which… I guess makes up for their pointless conversation in the beginning? But then why not introduce them with them rushing in? Did anyone else hear Sally’s scream? What does the gate look like?

 

Anyway, as they go to they other side of the portal, they find… their high school. All you tell us is that it’s a “warped reality”, but you’re assuming the reader will just understand what that means. What does this “warped reality” actually look like? Similar to the gate, you use familiar phrases, but don’t actually define them. It’s actually rather lazy.

 

Now Michael is calling… as if we’re supposed to know who Michael is. “You're not going to believe this, but we are in an alternate reality.” Ah yes, because that is something you say that casually. Not even so much as a stutter? And Michael doesn’t even doubt them.

 

“Marcus hangs up.” No, do not go with the present tense. There are some other instances, but this reiterates that you’re writing this more like a script instead of an actual narrative. Since you just say Tiki shows up, is this supposed to be a summary? Again, I’m not sure if you’re writing to tell your own story or if you’re pitching something for someone else to make. This entire paragraph is probably the worst of this prologue yet, because it’s more summary. It gives the impression that they found Sally with ease. Am I reading this right? If not, then please be more clear on what the format you’re going for is. I’ll be honest, I haven’t gotten around to playing the game, but this paragraph sounds exactly like what was shown in the early trailers for the game. Are you just rehashing what happened in the game when everyone got their powers?

 

And now we have Hinoka and… *looks at character list* Is the guy with the moth guard supposed to be Ike? Why a moth? The most I can think of is how Lucina’s shield as a Great Lord resembles a butterfly, but that’s because the shield is meant to look exactly like her mask.

 

I know that Camilla has a lot of sex appeal, but I don’t think it’s necessary for the very first thing to say about her is that she’s busty.

 

“Marcus's clothing changed as well, to that of a mercenary” What kind of Mercenary? Class designs change between each game. Severa and Inigo’s outfits become completely different once they don their disguises as Selena and Laslow, yet they’re still Mercenaries. Touma’s outfit in Tokyo Mirage Sessions cannot even be easily described as just a cavalier’s.

 

Anyway, that’s the end of that. Like Catterjune said, this is awful. A lot of this is because, again, I’m not sure if this is meant to be your pitch to the companies, or if it’s your own story, in which case it’s not clear if this meant to a script or a proper prose piece. There’s too much to work with on this, so here are the most important things I can recommend:

 

Figured out what you want this story to actually be. What is your long-term goal?

Find a proper place to start this. Everything prior to the meeting with the dean principal is either redundant, pointless, or would work better if it was spread out over time.

Use actual descriptions. Do not assume that the reader will just know what everything looks like.

Give us a reason to care about any of the characters. So far, my only reason to believe that I should care about them is just generally vague knowledge that being kidnapped is kind of a bad thing.

 

[Catterjune]

I'm only doing this for fun, I'm not trying to win an award. But tell me, why is that line ridiculous.

Sure! Let's go then.

 

If you wanna do it for fun then why are you even asking what others thought about it? I like to play video games for fun, which is why I don't record my playthroughs and put them online for others to judge.

 

If you do put something online, it's implied you want people to tell you what they thought. And what I thought was that it was awful.

 

As any kind of a creator, you'd always want to be improving or find out a better way to do something. Stop hiding behind "hurr, just for fun!" and take some damn criticism.

 

As for why that line is ridiculous...

 

This is supposed to be a play or a script and trying to imagine it being performed in front of me is laughable at best and downright insulting at worst.

 

We start with what I assume is an underaged high school girl. Sure, you started by calling it a college, then later on you say it's a "warped version of high school". You have a PA system (which most colleges do not have) and you have a principal (as opposed to a dean or chancellor) you call them teachers (as opposed to professors).

 

So we've got this underaged girl "stripping", and since it IS a play I guess I gotta picture it. But just what the hell does "stripping" entail? I assumed she just unbuttoned her blouse and started batting the eyelashes. Then you say she "continues stripping" so like... what the hell was she doing exactly? Is she getting on all fours and giving him a show? Is she unbuttoning more of her top? There's a huge jump from unbuttoning your blouse to full on stripping and the character goes from 0-to-100 in about 2 lines of dialogue.

 

Principal tells her what's going on and she apparently, "puts her clothes back on". Dude, what the funk? Just how much did she take off?

 

It's just such a creepy scene. Did she get down to her underwear? Was she willing to go all the way? Just what would "all the way" entail? What's worse is, she doesn't even stop because it's creepy or because he asks her to or because of any kind of moral dilemma about what she's doing. This is fine to her. This is natural to her. Her friends funking know this is fine and natural to her. She stops because the principal mentions her mother.

 

Nothing else stopped her. And she's done this before, so there's plenty of teachers who got the full show since I bet not many of them bothered to bring up her mother. And EVERYONE is okay with this! No one seems even a little bit outraged or confused or appalled by any of this. We just play it for laughs or something? No, it's funking disgusting for a teacher to have an underaged child strip for them in exchange for better grades. Go funk yourself you heinous funk.

 

If you REALLY can't see why that scene is an absolute funking abomination you shouldn't be allowed anywhere near humanity, much less a computer.

[Phantom Roxas]

Great points, Catterjune. If it's not clear if she's meant to be in college or high school, then she is likely underaged. Given Astro's signature, I would imagine that she's roughly sixteen to seventeen, since she's described as being in her Junior year. While the term "Junior" can be used to refer to colleges, I don't see it used as much compared to high school. Usually college uses terms like "undergraduate" and "graduate" students.

 

I decided to look at the character descriptions. Here's Sally's: "Unlike Jennifer, genetics has been kinder to her. She looks like a long-blonde haired, tanned, chesty girl whose looks drive men crazy and make women furious. It's through seductive charm she gets teachers to give her good grades."

 

Making women furious is the closest we get to any sense that this is recognized as wrong, yet it makes it sound like the women are petty for being jealous of her. The dialogue does not actually indicate whether or not Jennifer believes this is a good thing. The most she says is that she's not surprised, and say that it will probably end soon. There's no sense that she wants this to happen, or if she does believe Sally should be chastised for doing this. Plus the language of "she gets her teachers to give her good grades" doesn't acknowledge it as an attempt. She has apparently done this enough times that she's successful at this. When she's called into the dean's office, it's not actually because she's getting punished, but because a demon wants her Performa, meaning that there is no one in the prologue who blatantly disapproves of this. Sally's character seems like it's only meant to match Camilla's sex appeal.

 

What is even the point of the third-tier classes? They were in Radiant Dawn, sure, and I kind of like the idea of them, but then why would players (Because I still assume this may be a genuine pitch for Nintendo to produce this game) choose to make Ike a Conqueror, or Ryoma an Assassin (Which does not fit his character at all, especially since his alternative class is actually a Sky Knight like his sisters), or Xander a Dark Knight (Instead of Wyvern Rider like his sisters) when all of them have alternative classes than could promote to a third tier? You had to make up "Supreme Lord" for Ike. Yes, Radiant Dawn had Trueblades and Gold Knights, but you don't need to apply those to Ryoma and Xander, especially by making new forms of them. They're just pointless, and make the alternative class choices obsolete. 

 

Anyway, we already know that Nicole is not gone, but is instead taken over by… Sonia? That's a really random choice. Nicole's daughters are matched with the elder princesses of Hoshido and Nohr, but Nicole herself has possessed by a villain who has nothing to do with Fates. Not even Azura, or Arete? Tokyo Mirage Sessions #FE favored Shadow Dragon and Awakening because those two games are connected. This just seems completely random. I get the sense that the Path of Radiance / Radiant Dawn characters are meant to be a bit more important, which I suppose is why you made a thread about it recently. Ephraim and Eirika seem completely thrown in. Don't even bother with Sacred Stones at all if that's what you're going to do. Pick a few of your games, and stick with them.

 

Here's what you should narrow this down between:

- Blazing Sword and Binding Blade, or…

- Path of Radiance and Radiant Dawn, or…

- Fates. Just Fates, because the only person you have from Awakening is Olivia, and she's just there to be the partner for a Michael Jackson wannabe. Pick a different Dancer. Preferably someone from the other five games I've mentioned.

[Astro Dude]

Great points, Catterjune. If it's not clear if she's meant to be in college or high school, then she is likely underaged. Given Astro's signature, I would imagine that she's roughly sixteen to seventeen, since she's described as being in her Junior year. While the term "Junior" can be used to refer to colleges, I don't see it used as much compared to high school. Usually college uses terms like "undergraduate" and "graduate" students.

 

I decided to look at the character descriptions. Here's Sally's: "Unlike Jennifer, genetics has been kinder to her. She looks like a long-blonde haired, tanned, chesty girl whose looks drive men crazy and make women furious. It's through seductive charm she gets teachers to give her good grades."

 

Making women furious is the closest we get to any sense that this is recognized as wrong, yet it makes it sound like the women are petty for being jealous of her. The dialogue does not actually indicate whether or not Jennifer believes this is a good thing. The most she says is that she's not surprised, and say that it will probably end soon. There's no sense that she wants this to happen, or if she does believe Sally should be chastised for doing this. Plus the language of "she gets her teachers to give her good grades" doesn't acknowledge it as an attempt. She has apparently done this enough times that she's successful at this. When she's called into the dean's office, it's not actually because she's getting punished, but because a demon wants her Performa, meaning that there is no one in the prologue who blatantly disapproves of this. Sally's character seems like it's only meant to match Camilla's sex appeal.

 

What is even the point of the third-tier classes? They were in Radiant Dawn, sure, and I kind of like the idea of them, but then why would players (Because I still assume this may be a genuine pitch for Nintendo to produce this game) choose to make Ike a Conqueror, or Ryoma an Assassin (Which does not fit his character at all, especially since his alternative class is actually a Sky Knight like his sisters), or Xander a Dark Knight (Instead of Wyvern Rider like his sisters) when all of them have alternative classes than could promote to a third tier? You had to make up "Supreme Lord" for Ike. Yes, Radiant Dawn had Trueblades and Gold Knights, but you don't need to apply those to Ryoma and Xander, especially by making new forms of them. They're just pointless, and make the alternative class choices obsolete. 

 

Anyway, we already know that Nicole is not gone, but is instead taken over by… Sonia? That's a really random choice. Nicole's daughters are matched with the elder princesses of Hoshido and Nohr, but Nicole herself has possessed by a villain who has nothing to do with Fates. Not even Azura, or Arete? Tokyo Mirage Sessions #FE favored Shadow Dragon and Awakening because those two games are connected. This just seems completely random. I get the sense that the Path of Radiance / Radiant Dawn characters are meant to be a bit more important, which I suppose is why you made a thread about it recently. Ephraim and Eirika seem completely thrown in. Don't even bother with Sacred Stones at all if that's what you're going to do. Pick a few of your games, and stick with them.

 

Here's what you should narrow this down between:

- Blazing Sword and Binding Blade, or…

- Path of Radiance and Radiant Dawn, or…

- Fates. Just Fates, because the only person you have from Awakening is Olivia, and she's just there to be the partner for a Michael Jackson wannabe. Pick a different Dancer. Preferably someone from the other five games I've mentioned.

Olivia is the only dancer who uses a sword, plus in the original there were only 7 different types of classes: Lord, Pegasus Knight, Dark Mage, Archer, Cavalier, Knight (Or Axe Knight in this case), and Myrmidon. I thought a potential sequel would offer more variety, plus having just Awakening and Shadow Dragon characters also lacked variety. I just thought with more classes we could have more potential, and with such a big roster they could do various activities like being a boy band, being cast in a soap opera etc. I only listed Sonia, Anthony and Garon as antagonists, they are not main antagonists, Those will be in the antagonist section.

 

[spoiler Main Antagonists]

• Nergal
• Grima
• Anankos
• Fomortiis
• Ashera

For a final boss all five of these guys would combine to create a five headed dragon.

 

 

 

Ooo. Well, I made a copy and saved what I have so far.

 

Also, Jennifer and Sally were 13 when their mother disappeared, this happened at the same time as the Mass Disappearance in the original TMS #FE, this sequel takes place two years after the events of that Therefore both Jennifer and Sally are 20. Maybe I should put age in the character descriptions as that would lead to confusion. That does not make them underage, but what would that make them?

 

As for Voice actor selection, Recall the original TMS #FE and Digimon Cyber Sleuth. Both games take place in Japan and yet there the dialogue is spoken in Japanese. I shifted the location to America so that way if this does happen, there would be an English voice cast. I know It's pointless but this is something I would like to have. And I agree, yes Sally should be chastised, if the teachers and principal were female.

 

I suppose I could have Agate be the boss of the first chapter and have Sonia be the final boss of Sally's character quest, after all she is hated and more arrogant so she should be an extra boss.

 

Edit: Okay, tweaked character descriptions by adding ages, except for Amy cause she's like Maiko, and changed boss roster, Sonia will be an extra boss, Arete will be boss of Chapter 1 and Azura will be the boss of chapter 4.

 

Now my plans for a roster are to include at least 1 character per starting class. The only exception being the Pegasus Knights for the Triangle Attack. And we did not get a Wyvern Rider. Also in TMS #FE, Chrom could be upgraded to a Conqueror which does not fit him at all to be honest. As for third tiers, these are only accessible when the first option is picked as to not make it broken. But I suppose I can take those out. As for promotions like Ryoma being an assassin, it's the situation with Navarre, or it's like working form square one. Is there another class an Myrmidon can upgrade to aside from Hero and Assassin, like Naverre? Xander is a horseback unit, so I figure he should only stick to being a horseback unit. But I do see your point, third tiers would make them too powerful. Maybe I can either scrap the odea or only have certain party members have them.

 

And who wouldn't be jealous of Sally's looks, Closest Sally would be jealous of anyone is Sonia.

 

[spoiler Sally Character Quests]

• Part 1: Sally could start to realize her looks aren't everything
• Part 2: Sally can battle 10 of those creepy long haired mirages
• Part 3: to say goodbye to her past self, a mirage of Sonia can serve as the boss of this part and after she beats her, Sally takes her axe and chops her hair off.

 

 

 

Also, Japan has Tiki, so I think An American version Utaloid should be Yune from Radiant Dawn. She's just as cute as Tiki.

 

And after chapter 4, Lucy can serve as a replacement for Michael since Azura is a dancer and she can wield a spear.

 

This story will probably be about 10 chapters long.

 

Thanks for your honest opinion PR. In case this thread gets locked, I made a backup copy. I'll try to retweak the version here, no VA's or third tiers. And I still have the prologue to finish.

 

And this may tick you off, but I will add a few more characters to the roster:

• A pair of female twins where the one with the longer hair is often confused (I do not know how to word this right) for being the older sister when she is in fact the younger sister.
• A goth girl who has L'arachel as a partner (Need a contradicting pair, like Elenora and Virion, the Goth girl is gloomy but L'arachel is all happy and perky, her opposite)
• A lazy girl who is a Wyvern Rider. Who is her Mirage Partner? Jill from PoR and RD.

This should be all.

 

Edit: 2, tweaked things in character descriptions. 

[Phantom Roxas]

Feena, Sylvia, Leen, Laylea, and Lara are all Dancers that can use swords. The problem is that those five all come from the third, fourth, and fifth games in the series, so none of them derive from the games you're mostly using.

 

Nergal, Anankos, and Ashera all make sense as main antagonists, but since Formortiis and Grima would only have Ephraim, Eirika, and Olivia from their respective games to oppose them, I would drop them.

 

If Sally and Jennifer are twenty, then that would make them college students. That is not properly reflected, because you use the wrong terms. I don't like the implication that Sally would have only been chastised if the faculty were women. This still suggests that it's because women would be envious of her, rather than anyone genuinely be in the right to disapprove of her actions. What reason do you have for Sonia to be the bonus boss of Sally's character quests beyond Sally being jealous of her looks? Though at least the first part of Sally's quests involve her not being so shallow.

 

I get why you're picking an English voice cast, but I was not asking about the setting. I'm asking if this is a genuine proposal for a game that you want Nintendo, Intelligent Systems, and Atlus to make.

 

What about Vanguard? You know, his actual highest class from Radiant Dawn? I get that Chrom could become a Conqueror, but why not replace Conqueror for Ike with Vanguard? So his two promotions would be either Great Lord or Vanguard.

 

In Fates, a Samurai (The Myrmidon equivalents) could also upgrade into a Master of Arms. That would be much better for Ryoma than Assassin.

 

What is even the point of the twins whose age get confused? Are they NPCs, or more playable characters?

 

I like L'Arachel, and I guess four characters from Sacred Stones are at least more than you have for the Elibe games. I just assumed that, since Blazing Sword and Binding Blade are connected, you would use both, but you're using no one from Binding Blade (Even though it would make for a decent connection to Blazing Sword, though Binding Blade not being released in America might be why it's absent), and only three from Blazing Sword, since you have Sonia, Lyndis, and Nergal. I get that you want variety, but you're also using fairly little from the certain games, so it doesn't really help them stand out. Instead of Ephraim and Eirika, why not use Eliwood and Hector? Then those characters would at least have some connection to Lyndis, and in turn, Gordo and Grace (Or if you want to replace them to match Eliwood and Hector) could work with Amy due to their Mirages all working together.

 

Jill at least bolsters the amount of characters from the Tellius games, so I'm fine with her. Having Yune instead of Tiki would also be more appropriate for the story. Tiki is a character in both Shadow Dragon and Awakening, but she has no ties to the other games you're including, while Yune, like Jill, helps reinforce the amount of characters from Tellius.

 

 

Tighten your focus here, and think about what you actually want to accomplish with this.

[Astro Dude]

Feena, Sylvia, Leen, Laylea, and Lara are all Dancers that can use swords. The problem is that those five all come from the third, fourth, and fifth games in the series, so none of them derive from the games you're mostly using.

 

Nergal, Anankos, and Ashera all make sense as main antagonists, but since Formortiis and Grima would only have Ephraim, Eirika, and Olivia from their respective games to oppose them, I would drop them.

 

If Sally and Jennifer are twenty, then that would make them college students. That is not properly reflected, because you use the wrong terms. I don't like the implication that Sally would have only been chastised if the faculty were women. This still suggests that it's because women would be envious of her, rather than anyone genuinely be in the right to disapprove of her actions. What reason do you have for Sonia to be the bonus boss of Sally's character quests beyond Sally being jealous of her looks? Though at least the first part of Sally's quests involve her not being so shallow.

 

I get why you're picking an English voice cast, but I was not asking about the setting. I'm asking if this is a genuine proposal for a game that you want Nintendo, Intelligent Systems, and Atlus to make.

 

What about Vanguard? You know, his actual highest class from Radiant Dawn? I get that Chrom could become a Conqueror, but why not replace Conqueror for Ike with Vanguard? So his two promotions would be either Great Lord or Vanguard.

 

In Fates, a Samurai (The Myrmidon equivalents) could also upgrade into a Master of Arms. That would be much better for Ryoma than Assassin.

 

What is even the point of the twins whose age get confused? Are they NPCs, or more playable characters?

 

I like L'Arachel, and I guess four characters from Sacred Stones are at least more than you have for the Elibe games. I just assumed that, since Blazing Sword and Binding Blade are connected, you would use both, but you're using no one from Binding Blade (Even though it would make for a decent connection to Blazing Sword, though Binding Blade not being released in America might be why it's absent), and only three from Blazing Sword, since you have Sonia, Lyndis, and Nergal. I get that you want variety, but you're also using fairly little from the certain games, so it doesn't really help them stand out. Instead of Ephraim and Eirika, why not use Eliwood and Hector? Then those characters would at least have some connection to Lyndis, and in turn, Gordo and Grace (Or if you want to replace them to match Eliwood and Hector) could work with Amy due to their Mirages all working together.

 

Jill at least bolsters the amount of characters from the Tellius games, so I'm fine with her. Having Yune instead of Tiki would also be more appropriate for the story. Tiki is a character in both Shadow Dragon and Awakening, but she has no ties to the other games you're including, while Yune, like Jill, helps reinforce the amount of characters from Tellius.

 

 

Tighten your focus here, and think about what you actually want to accomplish with this.

Oh, well the Vanguard and Master of Arms classes can work. I was just following the first game's logic.

 

I also put in a returning characters section and I did say in it the other characters would return, that means the following characters will return

• Itsuki and Chrom
• Tsubasa and Caeda
• Kiria and Tharja
• Touma and Cain
• Mamori and Draug
• Yashiro and Naverre
• Elenora and Virion

If I said this was a proposal, this thread would be locked, correct?

 

Hmmm, we would need more characters from Sacred Stones, if character variety is your concern. I just like a balance of the games. If I were to pick more characters, I'd add Joshua, Natasha, Amelia and Duessel. And other Awakening characters to add would be Sumia, along with Nowi, (Can't add Lucina cause she comes from the future and that would be hard to impliment), I guess Gaius and Stahl, that should solidify Grima's placement and with more Sacred Stones characters, Formortiis is also staying.

 

One attack that could be implimented is the Triangle attack, performed by Tsubasa, Jennifer and Maiko, but only if they are in the main cast, and this could be an ad-lib attack.

 

Sonia serves as a reminder of what Sally used to be, using her looks to get what she wants,and as the story progresses she realizes looks aren't everything.

 

As for Eliwood and Hector, That's where the twin girls come in. The younger one has Eliwood while the older one has Hector.

 

Also it would be more complicated if Lucina and the future kids and Roy were thrown in.

 

Please tell me about Games 3, 4 and 5. Maybe I can work something in.

 

I would like to improve on what the original did, with more classes to choose from, more performers to focus on, and a plot that could affect the whole world. And with such a huge roster, I say there should be a system implimented: Six characters perform while the rest are in the sub-cast.

[Phantom Roxas]

If you said that this was a proposal, I would highly consider locking this.

 

Why not use second generation Awakening characters? So you could have Lucina anyway. Maybe use Inigo instead of Olivia, since he still has the swords. Inigo/Laslow, Severa/Selena, and Owain/Odin are all part of the first generation of Fates, and the Awakening children all come from a future ruined by Grima. You could also use other Awakening children, like Cynthia and Nah instead of Sumia and Nowi, and since Cynthia is a Pegasus Knight, she could still contribute to the Triangle Attack. Gaius and Stahl could be replaced with any of the male children from Awakening. Though since you specified them, you can cite Fates to use Gaius' Fates doppelganger's father, Saizo, and since Stahl is the Abel of Awakening, you can use the Abel of Fates, Kaze, who is Saizo's brother. There's more of a connection than Gaius and Stahl.

 

Okay, so Sally will realize that looks aren't everything. While that's good, it'd be nice if you didn't have it so men act as though that is absolutely tree, since apparently men have a history of giving her good grades just because she seduced them, and women are just jealous of her looks. If she has to realize that she's wrong, then it's even worse that the cast is split between admiring her for it, or being wrong if condemning her for it. Catterjune was right to criticize the stripping scene.

 

If adding in Roy would complicate things, then good. Avoid Binding Blade, and stick to Blazing Sword.

 

Fire Emblem 3 (Mystery of the Emblem) is the sequel to Shadow Dragon. It was remade as the twelfth game, which was never localized. 4 (Genealogy of the Holy War) is a bit similar to Awakening, in that his two generations of characters, but there is no time travel. Instead, the first half of the game focuses on an older generation, while the second half focuses largely on their children. 5 (Thracia 776) is something that I believe roughly occurs around the same as the latter half of Genealogy of the Holy War. I don't know enough about those games, I just brought them up because Olivia isn't the only Dancer with a sword.

 

I'm not sure about having six characters at once. How many do you get in the game? Because I'm pretty sure the combat system is meant to be like Shin Megami Tensei and Persona. Six characters may be a little too much.

[Astro Dude]

If you said that this was a proposal, I would highly consider locking this.

 

Why not use second generation Awakening characters? So you could have Lucina anyway. Maybe use Inigo instead of Olivia, since he still has the swords. Inigo/Laslow, Severa/Selena, and Owain/Odin are all part of the first generation of Fates, and the Awakening children all come from a future ruined by Grima. You could also use other Awakening children, like Cynthia and Nah instead of Sumia and Nowi, and since Cynthia is a Pegasus Knight, she could still contribute to the Triangle Attack. Gaius and Stahl could be replaced with any of the male children from Awakening. Though since you specified them, you can cite Fates to use Gaius' Fates doppelganger's father, Saizo, and since Stahl is the Abel of Awakening, you can use the Abel of Fates, Kaze, who is Saizo's brother. There's more of a connection than Gaius and Stahl.

 

Okay, so Sally will realize that looks aren't everything. While that's good, it'd be nice if you didn't have it so men act as though that is absolutely tree, since apparently men have a history of giving her good grades just because she seduced them, and women are just jealous of her looks. If she has to realize that she's wrong, then it's even worse that the cast is split between admiring her for it, or being wrong if condemning her for it. Catterjune was right to criticize the stripping scene.

 

If adding in Roy would complicate things, then good. Avoid Binding Blade, and stick to Blazing Sword.

 

Fire Emblem 3 (Mystery of the Emblem) is the sequel to Shadow Dragon. It was remade as the twelfth game, which was never localized. 4 (Genealogy of the Holy War) is a bit similar to Awakening, in that his two generations of characters, but there is no time travel. Instead, the first half of the game focuses on an older generation, while the second half focuses largely on their children. 5 (Thracia 776) is something that I believe roughly occurs around the same as the latter half of Genealogy of the Holy War. I don't know enough about those games, I just brought them up because Olivia isn't the only Dancer with a sword.

 

I'm not sure about having six characters at once. How many do you get in the game? Because I'm pretty sure the combat system is meant to be like Shin Megami Tensei and Persona. Six characters may be a little too much.

Fairy Fencer F Advent Dark Force allows you to use six characters at once, I should know I have played it, but you're right six is a bit of overkill. Four is plenty. I did say there would be 22 playable characters at the start of this. I did not want to leave any popular characters from the Fire Emblem community behind. Aside from the seven from the original, ooo, I went over my original quota, and with the goth and lazy girl that makes 25 out of 22. But I am limiting myself to the ones available in North America. Okay, Lucina, Owain, Cynthia, Inigo and Severa will be added to the roster. Now we need characters that can be suitable mirage partners. Oh, we also need a master for Lissa. But you realize this increases the roster to 31.

 

And this is just a fan-fic. Nothing more.

[Phantom Roxas]

And this is just a fan-fic. Nothing more.

Interesting how you only said this now after asking if I would lock this.

 

Hmm… nope, I don't believe you. There's too much going on here to make me believe that this is "just a fan-fic." I am locking this.