Yusei Fudou Posted April 13, 2008 Report Share Posted April 13, 2008 Introduction: Conspiracy The world is full of hate, sinful people, war… and heroes nowadays are never respected. But, it isn't their choice anymore. If goodness wasn't going to change anything, it was the time to use the hard way, and make your opponents bow to you. It was time to fight fire with fire and evil with evil. A wise one who said: "Temporary destruction would later lead to eternal utopia." It is a rainy night, and the voice of lightning can be heard, while an old black Mercedes Benz is parked near a house in a silent alley. The door is opened, while a man with a black trench coat, a black hat and a suitcase comes out of it. He closes the door, and heads straight to the house's door, and rings the bell. "I'm comin', one second pal" the man in the house says. The door is opened, and there appears a man wearing a sweater and jeans pants. "Good, you're at time. Come in, Damien." The man says. Damien (the man in black wear) enters the house, and is introduced by the man to sit on a sofa near the fireplace. The man sits on the sofa in front of Damien, starting the conversation with "So, what's up man?" Damien coldly replies "Just give me the amount of money you offered, and I'll give you the weapons you need." The man looks at Damien and grins, saying "You are really one professional, pal." He then grabs a suitcase near the fireplace, and hands it over to Damien. Damien opens the suitcase, and finds the money in it. He counts it all, and checks them from being fake money. He then puts the money back in the suitcase, closes it and puts it in front of him. Damien then grabs his suitcase (the one he came with) and hands it over to the man. "Here they are, Nate. Enjoy." Damien says. Nate opens the suitcase, finds three pistols, and starts touching them slowly, saying how these pistols have really good quality. Damien looks at Nate seriously, telling him "So, now our deal is finished?" Nate looks at Damien, while touching the weapons, saying comfortably "Of course, Damien. You can go now." Damien stands up, grabs his things and heads to the door. As soon as Damien opens the door to get out, a bullet is fired. Damien backs off, screaming at Nate "Is this some sort of conspiracy?! Because it has ended now, and I will kill you all!" Nate simply responds "No, Mr. Alexander" and then he continues. "It has just begun." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kizzi Posted April 13, 2008 Report Share Posted April 13, 2008 Not bad. Work on the opening sentence, I don't really think it's too effective. :/Also, add a couple of short sentences for impact, especially if it's a thriller. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wesleypeterson Posted April 13, 2008 Report Share Posted April 13, 2008 Meh.....it didn't really catch me. You see, the best way to get readers to read, and finish a book is to have a first page that is totally gripping. That wasn't. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Diableos Auros Posted April 13, 2008 Report Share Posted April 13, 2008 I agree, it was nice but maybe not put the start, maybe put an action-packed part in instead :D, they always hook me! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Yusei Fudou Posted April 13, 2008 Author Report Share Posted April 13, 2008 Right. Thanks for the advices. :P Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Yusei Fudou Posted April 13, 2008 Author Report Share Posted April 13, 2008 Bump. Replaced this with a brand new introduction. ^^ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Draco Straybyrn Posted April 13, 2008 Report Share Posted April 13, 2008 Introduction: Conspiracy The world is full of hate' date=' sinful people, war… and heroes nowadays are never respected. But, it isn't their choice anymore. If goodness wasn't going to change anything, it was the time to use the hard way, and make your opponents bow to you. It was time to fight fire with fire and evil with evil. A wise one who said: "Temporary destruction would later lead to eternal utopia." It is a rainy night, and the voice of lightning can be heard, while an old black Mercedes Benz is parked near a house in a silent alley. The door is opened, while a man with a black trench coat, a black hat and a suitcase comes out of it. He closes the door, and heads straight to the house's door, and rings the bell. "I'm comin', one second pal" the man in the house says. The door is opened, and there appears a man wearing a sweater and jeans pants. "Good, you're at time. Come in, Damien." The man says. Damien (the man in black wear) enters the house, and is introduced by the man to sit on a sofa near the fireplace. The man sits on the sofa in front of Damien, starting the conversation with "So, what's up man?" Damien coldly replies "Just give me the amount of money you offered, and I'll give you the weapons you need." The man looks at Damien and grins, saying "You are really one professional, pal." He then grabs a suitcase near the fireplace, and hands it over to Damien. Damien opens the suitcase, and finds the money in it. He counts it all, and checks them from being fake money. He then puts the money back in the suitcase, closes it and puts it in front of him. Damien then grabs his suitcase (the one he came with) and hands it over to the man. "Here they are, Nate. Enjoy." Damien says. Nate opens the suitcase, finds three pistols, and starts touching them slowly, saying how these pistols have really good quality. Damien looks at Nate seriously, telling him "So, now our deal is finished?" Nate looks at Damien, while touching the weapons, saying comfortably "Of course, Damien. You can go now." Damien stands up, grabs his things and heads to the door. As soon as Damien opens the door to get out, a bullet is fired. Damien backs off, screaming at Nate "Is this some sort of conspiracy?! Because it has ended now, and I will kill you all!" Nate simply responds "No, Mr. Alexander" and then he continues. "It has just begun."[/quote'] Interesting. Keep it up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Yusei Fudou Posted April 13, 2008 Author Report Share Posted April 13, 2008 ^Thanks. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tefached Posted April 14, 2008 Report Share Posted April 14, 2008 really good, keep adding to it Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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