Yellow Pressure

[Yuuji Kazami]

Inspired by a short, visual novel-like game. I decided to write the different endings as a single story.

 

Note: Underwent a first revision. It takes a decent amount of skill to interpret, but if finished and you still didn't understand, there's an explanation at the ending. However, it is much more satisfying when you realize for yourself as to what it is actually about, rather than skip to it.

 

"Character thoughts/imagination"

___________________________________________________________________________________________

 

I met her when I was a teenager.

 

From the second we met, she wrapped herself around my left arm, and has stuck there ever since.

 

It's several years later now, and she's still here with me.

 

"How's it going?" Leigh chirped as she popped up in her usual carefree tone.

 

I'm not sure how I feel about her being around anymore.

 

"I'm fine..." I said, sighing as I closed my eyes for a brief second. After a moment, I re-opened them to observe the dull, pasty, and yellow colour of the apartment. The years spent with her felt like an eternity.

 

"That's good." Leigh gave me a small, gentle smile at my reply. Suddenly, her smile broke into a grin as she leaned over me, her short blonde hair falling messily over her pleasant facial features.

 

"Hey, do you know what day it is? It's the anniversary of the day we met." Her bright, yellow eyes reflected mischief as she spoke.

 

"Of course it is..."

 

"So... Do you want to do anything?" Picking myself up from the bed, I caught Leigh looking at me expectantly.

 

"Huh. How about..." I trailed off. We could've stayed in, I guess, but I really felt like I needed some time by myself. "Never mind, I think I'm just going to go for a walk."

 

"Uh... Okay." Leigh looked sad and disappointed as I quickly put on my sweater. Stepping out the door, I closed it behind me as I ignored her forlorn face.

___________________________________________________________________________________________

 

I thought I would head out into the town for awhile.

 

It was busy; people were everywhere. I loved it, yet I hated it for everything being yellow around me.

 

I wanted to get lost amongst the crowd. Maybe even feel like a normal person for a bit.

 

But then, I heard someone. Someone very, very familiar. Oh no.

 

I realized that I should stop, as it was the polite thing to do. However, my instincts took over, and I carried on wading through the crowds of other people.

 

I don't stop walking.

 

"Oi, are you ignoring me?" Leigh blocked off my path in front of me as I stopped for a moment, looking away. I stood silent, avoiding her eyes.

 

"..."

 

"You are, aren't you?" Leigh whispered sadly as I finally looked at her. Her face was streaked with tears.

 

"Uh..." Feeling no words come out, I stared at the grey pavement instead.

 

"Hey!" Her expression was now one of anger as she glared at me.

 

"...I want to be alone, I'm sorry." I whispered.

 

"Right, whatever." Leigh put her left arm on her right bicep as she now wore an annoyed expression. I noticed that she was dressed in her usual attire; a black sweater with a yellow dress over it.

 

That same pasty, dull yellow.

 

"..."

 

We both stood silent, avoiding each other's gazes. Having enough, I decided to finally break the silence.

 

"Why are you even here?" I questioned monotonously.

 

Putting her hands on her hips, Leigh gave me a look that easily spoke "are you really serious about this?".

 

"Stupid, I thought you needed me. Clearly I am wrong..." She rolled her eyes.

 

I remained silent.

 

"Ugh!" Leigh suddenly turned and sprinted away. I felt compelled to chase after her.

___________________________________________________________________________________________

 

"What an idiot I am."

 

"She ran away in a huff, and I'm the idiot, because I decided to followed her..."

 

I walked beside her in the local park... Well, a little behind her too. She's quiet, probably very annoyed with me.

 

I decided to stay silent.

 

Finally, Leigh turned on me as her pleasant features were now marred with anger. We had passed numerous Oaks and Aspens, which were now yellowing from the change in season.

 

"Are you going to say anything?" She huffed.

 

"That same, dull, disgusting yellow."

 

...I couldn't think of anything worthwhile to say.

 

Suddenly, she had a evil look on her face as she chuckled. "Heh."

 

"Hmm?"

 

"I'm tired, I don't want to help you anymore." Leigh wore a smug look as she declared her intentions. Glancing down at her fingernails, she now avoided my stare. "You rely on me too much."

 

"...I don't care." I looked away.

 

"Oh, really?" Leigh's evil look returned as she wagged her right index finger. "So you would be fine if I stopped helping you completely?"

"...You wouldn't." I crossed my arms.

 

"Heh." However, she lost her facade as her features transformed into a mix of sadness and anger. "You think you can get by without me to back you up?"

 

"Well..." Thinking about how my life has been, I had finally come to a decision. "Yes. Well, I would like to try."

 

"Heh, and come running to me when you fail!" She was now being really intolerable.

 

"Not if you're not going to help." I felt my resolve hardening.

 

"..."

 

"...Don't be like that." I immediately felt sorry for my words as she looked to be near tears. My willpower was breaking. "You know I'll always help you."

 

"No matter how bad things seem." She gently stroked my cheek before putting her head on my chest. The conversation ended there.

___________________________________________________________________________________________

 

We still argued a little more on the way home.

 

However, I think I'm realizing that I don't want her around. Not anymore.

 

She can threaten me with leaving, but I think she's more scared of it than I am.

 

"..." She had a fearful expression once we got settled back into the apartment. Sighing, I patted down on the empty space beside me as I made myself comfortable on our yellow sofa.

 

"We need to talk." I spoke solemnly.

 

"T-that's never good." She began to fidget as she slowly sat down.

 

"Can't we just carry on like always?" I watched in listlessness as her restlessness increased. "It's alright, isn't it?"

 

I then imagined myself if I had agreed with her. What would it have been like to have said "yes" as opposed to outright denying her?

 

Was I really happy right now, being with her? Or had I been happier before meeting her?

___________________________________________________________________________________________

 

"Good." Leigh smiled brightly as she embraced me. "What's upsetting you anyways?"

 

Ugh, did I have to tell her?

 

"Well..." I began, trying to find a good way to start. I thought of telling her to forget about it, but why shouldn't I speak the truth?

"I'm not happy." I confessed. "Lately I've not been feeling so happy about things."

 

"Things?" Leigh questioned.

 

I sighed. "Well... Us, I mean."

 

"Why?"

 

"I... Just don't know if that's right anymore."

 

"Oh."

 

"Yeah. Sorry."

 

Leigh sighed as well after a brief moment of pause. "Aren't things alright as they are?"

 

"Well..."

 

"It's just a bad patch. You don't have to decide now." By this point, I was certain that she had convinced me.

"Give it a little while. I'm sure that things will get better."

 

I let her persuade me. She was right, I changed my mind awhile later.

 

She knows me too well. I think I made the right decision...

 

I think that we can stay like this forever. Maybe we won't be happy, but I know that we also wouldn't be sad.

 

When it comes down to it, I'm too scared to with her, or without her.

 

I can be satisfied with a comfortable life. I don't need any answers or solutions.

 

I think that we can stay like this forever...

___________________________________________________________________________________________

 

That night was the closest that we've ever been.

 

I felt relief, now that I'd finally done it. I know that I've made the right decision.

 

...I woke up in a hospital bed.

 

"You're lucky this time." A nurse appeared to me when my thoughts became active again.

 

"You didn't hit any nerves or arteries."

 

As if I'd be that stupid!

 

"Uh, when can I go home?" I asked, resisting the urge to retort.

 

"You have to wait to see the doctor in the morning, and we'll see then." The nurse replied.

 

"Right..."

 

"Do you feel better now?" It was now the nurse's turn to ask questions. Observing her appearance, I felt repulsed by her yellow hair and yellow eyes.

 

"...Yes." I was reluctant to reply.

 

"So why did you do it?" The nurse asked, but I ignored her.

___________________________________________________________________________________________

 

Of course, it was no problem to talk my way out of the hospital.

 

It was easy, because I've never honestly felt so good.

 

I felt complete. I should never have doubted that I needed her. At the end of the day, my flaws are as defining as my good qualities.

 

I needed her to carry on being myself. To sustain my personality.

 

I needed her to be happy.

___________________________________________________________________________________________

 

Shaking my head, I cleared out all of the unnecessary thoughts of the different possibilities. I needed to stop being like this. I needed to move on.

 

She had to go.

 

"No."

 

Leigh began to fade before my very eyes as she stepped back in shock. Her physical appearance now acted like static, rippling through and distorting her proportions.

 

"Sorry, I can't do this anymore." I apologized.

 

"Heh, I don't believe you." Leigh tried to rebuke me. However, I caught onto the fear in her eyes. She would not win and influence me anymore.

 

"I know you. You're useless without me. Just empty, boring, like everyone else." However, her words were nothing more than empty threats at this point.

 

"I've made up my mind." I felt proud that I finally was able to make a stand for myself, after all these years that passed.

 

Leigh laughed, but it was no longer a pleasant sound. It was loud, and obnoxious. "I doubt it. You're too scared."

 

"Without me around, you can't do anything. Who else is going to help you? No one." She was becoming more and more desperate.

 

However, I was adamant in my words. "I don't care. You have to go."

 

"...No one can help you. Not as much as I can." She was now fading before my very eyes. Her body disappeared into thin air bit by bit.

"You have to go."

 

Seeing her fade from existence, part of me agreed with her, with all those things that she had said.

 

Of course, I knew that I couldn't let myself believe her anymore. I've made the right decision.

___________________________________________________________________________________________

 

She was out of my life within a month. I no longer rely on her. I've gained my independence. I'm happy now!

 

The future feels uncertain, but I'm excited to be free! I hope the day will never come when I want to see her again.

 

The yellow has finally faded...

___________________________________________________________________________________________

 

Rate/hate. =)

[вєgσттєη ιηѕαηιту]

[spoiler=Notes While Reading]
Important note regarding "decent amount of skill to interpret." My fiction writing professor taught me an important lesson about symbology in fiction. It is absolutely crucial that before an object can work as a symbol, it must first be a believable and real object within the story itself. I feel like you do this in in almost side-stepped kind of way. What I mean is that you're only half attempting to tell this story and half attempting to tell a story about Leigh representing self harm. Rather, you should fully tell the story about Leigh (not as a symbol but about HER and the nararrator). Allow her character to be symbolic of self harm, even leave hints and clues about it.

The issue I have is that you start by having Leigh as an actual physical character within the story and then you later turn her into just a personification without any explaination or justification within the story (yet you literally have the character self harm at the end, thus contradicting your whole "Leigh is real but she is a symbol" ordeal).

One recommendation I could make would be that if you want Leigh to be a mentally personification for the lead then I would throw in subtle hints about how people in public shy away from her or even ignore her existance. Then at the end the lead could reveal that - Hey! She never actually existed in the first place... - instead of leaving that entirely up to the reader to interpret and try to understand what the self harm at the end of the story has to do with the rest of the plot.

***

(from this point on I will put moments of the story in quotes and just write my thoughts at that point in the story/what I say may not directly relate to the quote)

"I'm not sure how I feel about her being around anymore." - We are getting a lot of interiority with no setting/scene or narration. The key part of fiction is placing the reader deeply rooted in the scene. The short lines and unframed dialogue leaves the text feeling choppy and the reader has no clue what the context is. I notice this theme is common throughout the text where you include subtle details about the surroundings but there should certainly be more to solidify your story. Build your credibility to your reader through small details.

"'I'm fine...' I said, sighing as I closed my eyes for a brief second." - Tense changes: "I said with a sigh as I closed my eyes for a breif second" maintains the past-tense.

"I re-opened them to observe the dull, pasty, and yellow colour of the apartment." - Right... the yellow theme. You reference yellow a LOT in this text with no direct relation to the plot, somehow solidify this detail to the reader. (If you decide to make this story strictly symbolic, in which Leigh is an actual person, then I would possibly tie it to some event in the Lead's past or so. If you decide to make this a story where Leigh is an actual personifcation then further express his detest of how frequently she wears yellow or maybe relate the yellow to the sun or her "overly bright and cheery personality" that possibly "drives him up a wall". Make this yellow matter to the lead, and thus it will matter and resonate with the reader as well.

"'So... Do you want to do anything?' Picking myself up from the bed, I caught Leigh looking at me expectantly." - Unclear who is speaking here.

"We could've stayed in, I guess, but I really felt like I needed some time by myself." - I don't understand why the lead immidiately thinks about staying in when asked if they wanted to do something? I would clarify or change this sentence to clarify why they say "we could've stayed in".

"yet I hated it for everything being yellow around me." - Is everything literally yellow? This is an example of a time where you switched between Leigh being an actual person and Leigh being a personification. I get that he is walking outside and the life around him is wonderful, yet he is still downed by the depression. But in the previous scene Leigh was an actual person, so using her stricly as a color in this opening without any understanding of what the yellow means is confusing for the reader. It breaks them out of their immersion because they are left trying to analyze what you mean by this phrase.

"But then, I heard someone. Someone very, very familiar. Oh no." - Two things here. 1, you said that interiority would be in quotes and italics, but "Oh no." is not. 2, it almost makes sense that if your significant other were to just walk out of the door on an important date, that you would follow them (it also seems common for Leigh's character to not leave the lead alone for any amount of time), thus the lead's surprise at seeing Leigh is kinda out of character.

"wading through the crowds of other people." - An example of where I would love to get more detail about the setting/scene. Why are there "crowds" of people? how crowded is this area? For some reason the first time I read this I imagined he was walking on a path within a sparesly wooded park (with like people passing frisbee and walking their dogs near by). But the fact that the area is crowded confuses me.

"Her expression was now one of anger as she glared at me." - You are doing a lot of telling vs showing. Don't tell the readers that she is mad, show them. You do this better a couple lines prior with the tears streaking down her face. Additionally I am bothered by her abrupt mood change (this happens frequently throughout the text). She is almost TOO moody (often at time where I think she is supposed to be sad, she is mad. When she is supposed to be mad, she is being mischeivous. When she is supposed to be misscheivous she is sad). Now I believe the whole part where she basically mocks his sadness with the "heh" is because she wants him to self harm, and the more sad he is the more likely he is to self harm. (additionally his act of self harming is her "helping"). Which this case is another example of where you both personify self harm and not at the same time (this co-existance of human leigh blended with the ideal of self harm actually makes it HARDER for the reader to comprehend the idea you are trying to get across).

"a look that easily spoke 'are you really serious about this?'." - The use of quotes here makes it difficult to tell if she was actually saying this or not, took a couple of reads to understand that her body language made the lead think this. Consider clarifying.

"'Ugh!' Leigh suddenly turned and sprinted away. I felt compelled to chase after her." - Leigh goes through a lot of VERY sudden mood changes (sadness/anger/sarcasm/anger) until she just up and randomly runs away (after she is the person who followed him to the location KNOWING that he was upset). I get that this is less awkward when not taken as a literal story, but because it is written presently as a narrative I believe this needs reworked.

"'...Don't be like that.' I immediately felt sorry for my words as she looked to be near tears. My willpower was breaking. 'You know I'll always help you.' 'No matter how bad things seem.' She gently stroked my cheek before putting her head on my chest. The conversation ended there." - This section is hard to comprehend who is talking, consider merging the entire section into one paragraph considering that Leigh is the only one talking. (also in this section Leigh's words/actions don't make sense within the story, they only make sense when you consider her as a symbol).

"However, I think I'm realizing that I don't want her around. Not anymore." - Tense change from past to present.

"'Good.' Leigh smiled brightly as she embraced me. 'What's upsetting you anyways?'" - This scene change is confusing, I have no clue what is going on during this scene, or why the next few are italicized. It felt like a very abrupt shift with little to no information given to the reader.

"I felt relief, now that I'd finally done it. I know that I've made the right decision." - So once I was explained that Leigh was self harm, this phrase makes sense. But it does not make sense in the story without that.

"Shaking my head, I cleared out all of the unnecessary thoughts of the different possibilities. I needed to stop being like this. I needed to move on." - Only just now (after reading this for a 3rd time) did I comprehend that the previously italicized scenes were a flash back to a time he had harmed himself before. I read the lines saying that he needed Leigh and that he loved her and did not comprehend why he then proceded to leave her in the next few lines. I would consider clarifying that those past few italicized scenes were a flashback.

"Seeing her fade from existence, part of me agreed with her, with all those things that she had said." - So here is where you drew a line between personification and symbolic where previously the line was very blurry. My issues with this scene is that problems like self harm do not go away as suddenly as you made Leigh disappear. It would change gradually over time.

"The future feels uncertain, but I'm excited to be free! I hope the day will never come when I want to see her again." - Shift to present tense (this may work in later edits, but currently this shift felt jarring for the reader).

[spoiler=Analysis]
Story title/Author: Yellow Pressure / Yuuji

What is the surface problem?

Nararrator no longer wishes to be with his/her significant other Leigh.

What is the story-worthy problem?

Leigh is a personification of self harm, and the story represents the leads struggle with fighting his/her problem of self harm.

Describe the main character.

The main character is not described much outside of his/her desire to break free from Leigh.

What is at stake for the main character?

Very little.

Name two of the story’s strengths:
1. The story is not boring, it held my attention the entire time. I desired to know whether or not the lead would leave Leigh, and if so how that would result.

2. You use a lot of solid imagery at times which I greatly applaud.

Name two things the author should consider in revision (be specific, and say why you think this):
1. Currently the story is very very symbolic but at times it is rooted in details and facts. I would consider choosing one or the other and modifying the story such that it fits around that decision.

2. The story lacks in detail and scene/setting descriptions. I would add more details to draw the reader in further.

Final thoughts: Conceptually, I absolutely love what you are tyring to do with this story and with subsequent edits I believe this will be truly great. When you feel happy with this, and feel it is complete, I would love to consider publishing it on my blog to share with others! (obviously I would credit you and all :3)

[spoiler=Score]
Craft issues: 60 Points
The story begins at the “last possible second” and is the appropriate place to begin the story.

7/10 - While I believe that this story does happen at the last possible second, I am curious about what inciting event lead to the lead making the decision to leave Leigh. After years he/she would have grown accustomed to the life style, something would need to cause this change.

There is a story-worthy problem and a surface problem in the story. These conflicts are established early on and are significant to the characters.

10/10 - Both exist, are established early, and are significant.

Characters are revealed through action, not just explained to the reader. Author “shows” rather than “tells” what the characters are like and what it is they want.

1/10 - You do this very little, often you just tell the readers how the characters are feeling or what their desires are. This needs much more description.

Scenes are clear, well-drawn, and employ the right balance of elements—dialogue, interiority, description, narration, and exposition.

3/10 - The story mostly consists of interiority and dialogue and I feel it could benefit from a more equal balance with the other elements.

The author employs causality to move the story along, and the action that takes place is significant to the characters.

4/10 - There are certainly times at which events and actions move the story along, but presently majority of the story is Leigh and the lead going back and forth on basically the same discussion multiple times.

The ending addresses the surface and story-worthy problems raised in the story, is believable, and is both surprising and inevitable.

7/10 - The ending does this well and is crippled by the rest of the story not setting the proper road work for the end to be as powerful as it currently is.

 

Mechanical issues: 40 Points
There is less than one mechanical error per two pages in grammar, punctuation, etc.

10/10 - I didn't notice any mistakes.

Dialogue is correctly formatted.

10/10 - Same as above.

The tense is consistent.

7/10 - There are a few mistakes in tense, but they are not awful.

The point-of-view is consistent.

10/10 - No issues with POV

Total: 69/100

I apologize if this feels too harsh, I mean it in the most constructive criticism way possible. I believe you have potential and I would love to help you flourish as a writer.

[Catterjune]

I'll give this a read when I have the time (probably tomorrow) buuuut....

 

>"It takes a decent amount of skill to interpret, but if finished and you still didn't understand, there's an explanation at the ending."

 

Decent amount of skill to interpret = Bad writer trying to pawn off his bad writing skills to the audience. An inability to be understood due to poor communication does not constitute cleverness.

 

Explanation at the ending = Pretty shabby to put an "explanation" at the end. Hell, I'd prefer a character spell it out like it was a Scooby Doo episode as opposed to a sudden immersion breaking thing like that just to enjoy the story.

 

I'll still read it (unless you delete it all for a third revision before I get the chance) but... not exactly putting your best foot forward here.

[Yuuji Kazami]

I'll give this a read when I have the time (probably tomorrow) buuuut....

 

>"It takes a decent amount of skill to interpret, but if finished and you still didn't understand, there's an explanation at the ending."

 

Decent amount of skill to interpret = Bad writer trying to pawn off his bad writing skills to the audience. An inability to be understood due to poor communication does not constitute cleverness.

 

Explanation at the ending = Pretty shabby to put an "explanation" at the end. Hell, I'd prefer a character spell it out like it was a Scooby Doo episode as opposed to a sudden immersion breaking thing like that just to enjoy the story.

 

I'll still read it (unless you delete it all for a third revision before I get the chance) but... not exactly putting your best foot forward here.

I copy and pasted this from my fictionpress account; it's merely there to see if I can attract more readers.

 

In all honestly, this is quite hard to interpret the meaning. I don't know if it is a lack of communication, but once you've read it, I hope you can give me a more accurate judgment in my writing.

 

I'll remove the explanation on here then.

[Catterjune]

Surprise! I read it!

I also read the explanation... and before I read the story too so it might cloud my judgment! ;D


--warning! This review will reference the explantion!--


[spoilers Why are these spoiler tags so terrible?]So just to be a nice gal, I won't put the spoiler right in the beginning of this paragraph in case you clicked spoiler by mistake and your eyes just wandered. But anyway, the explanation is that the girl is self-harm personified.

That's all well and good, every good story needs a twist but... why? I mean, it doesn't make sense.

"Oh, well the hospital scene shoulda tipped you off!"

Well yeah, it's obvious there's a problem but why is she, specifically, self-harm personified? Her actions, her personality, none of that really reflects self-harm or really personification.

I dunno, in my opinion a character who is supposed to be the personification of something should... have a personality that matches it. A girl who is the definition of self-harm shouldn't be giving "small, gentle smiles" and "chirping as they pop up in their usual carefree tone". And if that is just how it is to make the ending even more shocking, then then later on shouldn't "wear an annoyed expression" and be "marred with anger". I guess in my head, people who are meant to be personifications of things should have more static and more rigid emotions, assuming the thing they are personifying is static and rigid. If she was the personification of water, she'd be bubbly when warm, solid and frigid and cold when it was winter, always "going with the flow" any other time. That sorta stuff. As the personification of self-harm, I'd have though she'd be like more... physically harmful, or at least as a personification of anything she'd be more static and less flowy. Instead it's the other way around, with a more static, depressed main character (which does make sense) and a "carefree" girl who fluctuates which doesn't make sense for a character meant to be a personification of something.

I don't suffer from depression (anymore ;D) but I just don't see the appeal of self-harm, so maybe that's what I'm not getting. From what I've always read or heard about, those suffering from depression just plain don't feel anything. No joy, no saddness, but the one thing they can control, the one thing that lets them feel anything at all is self-harm.

If I had to write it, I'd have a boring depressed main character and a happy upbeat girlfriend. When they were younger she used to "sing" for him, and it would always improve his mood. He reveals he's always hated her singing but at least it made him feel something. Eventually he'd reach the choice where she asks to sing for him or not, on one end he does it and ends up in the hospital. On the other he lets her go. I dunno, I guess the act of her physically doing something would make it a little more clear that she's... supposed to be an action as opposed to just something that exists.

So... out with the bad, in with the good?

The prose is pretty good, as is the specific word choice. Even though I already knew the ending it was still an alright read and I got to the end without punching myself.

The idea is pretty clever, but then again, you mention it was inspired by a visual novel so I'm not sure how much was your own cleverness and how much was plagerism from the visual novel.

The execution of the idea is where it all falls flat. I did read the whole thing though, so you get some points for that. I give the story, as a whole a 6/10.

[Yuuji Kazami]

Surprise! I read it!

 

I also read the explanation... and before I read the story too so it might cloud my judgment! ;D

 

 

--warning! This review will reference the explantion!--

 

 

[spoilers Why are these spoiler tags so terrible?]So just to be a nice gal, I won't put the spoiler right in the beginning of this paragraph in case you clicked spoiler by mistake and your eyes just wandered. But anyway, the explanation is that the girl is self-harm personified.

 

That's all well and good, every good story needs a twist but... why? I mean, it doesn't make sense.

 

"Oh, well the hospital scene shoulda tipped you off!"

 

Well yeah, it's obvious there's a problem but why is she, specifically, self-harm personified? Her actions, her personality, none of that really reflects self-harm or really personification.

 

I dunno, in my opinion a character who is supposed to be the personification of something should... have a personality that matches it. A girl who is the definition of self-harm shouldn't be giving "small, gentle smiles" and "chirping as they pop up in their usual carefree tone". And if that is just how it is to make the ending even more shocking, then then later on shouldn't "wear an annoyed expression" and be "marred with anger". I guess in my head, people who are meant to be personifications of things should have more static and more rigid emotions, assuming the thing they are personifying is static and rigid. If she was the personification of water, she'd be bubbly when warm, solid and frigid and cold when it was winter, always "going with the flow" any other time. That sorta stuff. As the personification of self-harm, I'd have though she'd be like more... physically harmful, or at least as a personification of anything she'd be more static and less flowy. Instead it's the other way around, with a more static, depressed main character (which does make sense) and a "carefree" girl who fluctuates which doesn't make sense for a character meant to be a personification of something.

 

I don't suffer from depression (anymore ;D) but I just don't see the appeal of self-harm, so maybe that's what I'm not getting. From what I've always read or heard about, those suffering from depression just plain don't feel anything. No joy, no saddness, but the one thing they can control, the one thing that lets them feel anything at all is self-harm.

 

If I had to write it, I'd have a boring depressed main character and a happy upbeat girlfriend. When they were younger she used to "sing" for him, and it would always improve his mood. He reveals he's always hated her singing but at least it made him feel something. Eventually he'd reach the choice where she asks to sing for him or not, on one end he does it and ends up in the hospital. On the other he lets her go. I dunno, I guess the act of her physically doing something would make it a little more clear that she's... supposed to be an action as opposed to just something that exists.

 

 

So... out with the bad, in with the good?

 

The prose is pretty good, as is the specific word choice. Even though I already knew the ending it was still an alright read and I got to the end without punching myself.

 

The idea is pretty clever, but then again, you mention it was inspired by a visual novel so I'm not sure how much was your own cleverness and how much was plagerism from the visual novel.

 

The execution of the idea is where it all falls flat. I give it a 6/10.

For the part about plagarism: I added more dialogue as well as gave more description, and established more themes/personality of both characters, making it more novel paced as opposed to watching the pixelated novel's brief choices. The game was more or less choosing how you wanted the protagonist's life to end up: Continuing to hurt himself/herself or stop the self-harm, and I expanded on it with more ideas. Note that there is no defined gender other than the depiction of Leigh as a female.

 

The whole theme of "Yellow" is a reference to the short story, "The Yellow Wallpaper", where the protagonist is driven insane by society's treatment and judgment of females in the past. It was the fact that her depression got to the point of completely eliminating her rational thoughts. I'm surprised that you only mention Leigh, because the colour Yellow was also a major theme of the story. 

 

I was also surprised that you said that the main character needed to be depressed, because my initial intention was to give that vibe off. It was supposed to portray the protagonist's inner struggle of temptation, to choose between continuing to inflict self-harm or to stop, because they knew that it was wrong to do so. 

 

However, it looks like I need to improve on that aspect... As well as executing the idea, I guess. 

 

Well, thanks for taking the time on giving the honest review. I'll still be making changes on this story to make it better, because it has only gone through a first revision. 

[Catterjune]

The theme of yellow was obvious. It's in the title, it's what she wears. You say yellow about 11 times. But like... so? Okay, yellow's showing up a lot... does it seem to show up when anything is happening? No? Then it's just a lot of yellow. It just a thing that's there, but it's not showing up at any specific time and it's not anything I personally identify as being "the color of depression" so I don't see a point about the overload of yellow.

I'll admit no gender for our protagonist is one I missed, though... again it feels like just "a thing that happens but doesn't contribute to the story". I gave it a second quick skim but it didn't feel like it changed anything for the protag to be a girl.

I don't understand what you mean when you said: "I was surprised that you said that the main character needed to be depressed, because my initial intention was to give that vibe off."
... He was depressed, and I think you did a good job of showing off the depressed vibe. Did I seem to indicate that you didn't make him depressed? It was pretty obvious he was depressed yo'.

And that's about it.

[Yuuji Kazami]

"If I had to write it, I'd have a boring depressed main character and a happy upbeat girlfriend."

 

Sorry, I must have misinterpreted the meaning. I initially assumed you meant that I had not created a depressed protagonist.

 

Well, I see. Looks like I haven't established the "Yellow" theme correctly. Thanks.

[Catterjune]

I was refering to the girl as the part I would write differently.

So.... to write out a full and complete thought:

"If I had to write it, I'd have a boring depressed main character and a happy upbeat girlfriend [as opposed to your story which has a boring depressed main character and a girl who starts out happy and carefree but wavers and runs the gambit of a full spectrum of emotions]."

[Yuuji Kazami]

I was refering to the girl as the part I would write differently.

 

So.... to write out a full and complete thought:

 

"If I had to write it, I'd have a boring depressed main character and a happy upbeat girlfriend [as opposed to your story which has a boring depressed main character and a girl who starts out happy and carefree but wavers and runs the gambit of a full spectrum of emotions]."

Oh, I see now. I'll keep that in mind. Thanks again.

[вєgσттєη ιηѕαηιту]

Yuuji, I edited in my response.

[Yuuji Kazami]

Yuuji, I edited in my response.

Oh wow, thank you so much~ <3

 

Yeah, I guess posting the raw with only a brief first revision wasn't even close to make a good story. I had the general idea in mind of what I wanted to bring out, but it looks like I need major improvement on refining them. Curse me for being so rusty in writing short stories... =x

 

I had no complaints to the criticisms, because I feel that they are all just. Taking into the consideration of everyone having varying opinions, I still accept for the fact that I'm still lacking in lots of areas.

 

But really, thank you so much for hitting all the points that stood out uncomfortably. It looks like I've forgotten some of my weaker points that I needed to work on, but I'll try harder to improve! This is more or less my first time trying to write a story with more of a light-novel feel. 

 

I feel like you'll be the one to officially revive this thread, lol. XD