Depression

[Thar]

I'm not at liberty to say none of you know what depression really is, but I can tell you just how frustrating it is to see how commonly people associate it with sadness.

 

Depression is NOT sadness. In fact, people with depression WISH they were sad. Hell, they wish they felt any emotions at all. Depression is a feeling of emptiness. In fact, it's more like drowning. You're basically drowning in a sea of emotions you wish you had. All that pressure is collapsing around you while the air inside you is trying constantly to withstand it and keep you alive because any influx of emotion will crush you.

 

I've been feeling this way for years. In fact, I may have felt this way longer than I can say I have. Back when I first started feeling like there was no point in feeling anything... back before I started making friends in high school... that's when I first felt it. The feeling of emptiness along with the feeling of pressure to succeed and make friends... the crushing pressure of maintaining a friendship that could end in catastrophic failure if I made the wrong move at the wrong time...

 

...and I did just that. I snapped where snapping would cause the chain to break and collapse the relationship I had with those people. Since then, I've been shattered. All of the friends I made that I had hoped to keep were gone. Since then, my life had returned to the way it has been... empty. Crushing. The feeling of pressure to succeed on my own had returned at full force and continued to add up with the pressure of getting a job and my parents constantly beckoning me to find a job. At this point, all I could do was do what they told me. I could not pursue my ambition to become what I wanted because I only found self-worth in finding something that they would be proud of as well as something I could actually afford doing on my own.

 

After years and months of searching and applying, I finally landed the job I had hoped to get. I finally moved out of my parents' house. I finally got a job that paid more than enough to give me a place to live, food to eat, and entertainment to last me a lifetime. My life could not have been more fortunate in my experience...

 

...yet even after a miracle, that feeling of emptiness and pressure still lingers. I still feel nothing and I still feel pressured by an unknown force. Something is still weighing me down. Something is still keeping me from feeling satisfied despite everything I have. No, it's not greed. It's not ambition. It's not the will to impress anyone...

 

...it's me. No, it shouldn't seem like me, but it's me. It's everything I don't want to feel. It's everything I wish I could feel but can't.

 

This is depression. There are few who know it, and even fewer who understand it.

 

Discuss.

[Toffee.]

Honestly, if it were possible from my end, I'd come live with you.

[Dova]

This was extremely revealing. I never really came close to understanding it, and although I am a little bit closer, the best way to understand these things is to really feel it. No one I know has Deperession as far as I am aware, yet I also know that some people hide it, until they inevitably snap. I wish I could do more to help people with these kinds of issues, but it's difficult for me to put myself in other's sure.

[Tinkerer]

I'm not at liberty to say none of you know what depression really is, but I can tell you just how frustrating it is to see how commonly people associate it with sadness.

 

Yeah, I'm really glad you prefaced this topic by saying this.  It is really annoying when one who hasn't experienced it in any form tries talking about it like they understand.  It's even more annoying when they think its something you can simply choose to get over...

 

My depression seems to manifest itself a little differently from yours from what I see.  The closest way for me to describe mine to others is kinda... like... boredom?  Bored with everything, as though you know what's going to happen.  Like, nothing seems to catch my attention, nothing holds any interest, I can't get happy if the day is sunny or upset when I stub my toe.  My only real thoughts are escape and desires to feel things again.  Every day is monotonous and feels like it drags on and on... and on and on...

 

It's... a real downer...

 

 

Personally, I am currently out of my slump.  However, as of this second, I can't think of anything that got me out of it directly or helped me feel better, but if I remember anything, I'll post.  I wish you all the best, Thar.

[Thar]

My depression seems to manifest itself a little differently from yours from what I see.  The closest way for me to describe mine to others is kinda... like... boredom?  Bored with everything, as though you know what's going to happen.  Like, nothing seems to catch my attention, nothing holds any interest, I can't get happy if the day is sunny or upset when I stub my toe.  My only real thoughts are escape and desires to feel things again.  Every day is monotonous and feels like it drags on and on... and on and on...

 

I failed to express this, but I'm glad you added onto it with this. I always felt bored and uninterested in the majority of things in life, and whenever I WAS interested in something, it was only temporary.

 

What I tried to explain was how I got to that point, but knowing just how blurred the line was separating those moments, I wasn't sure where to begin.

 

Let me just say that while there are people out there who are willing to reach out to people with depression, I personally find that approach to be frustrating.

 

When I see someone trying to help someone with depression, I see someone who's trying to prevent someone from committing suicide. Granted that may be the case with other people, that's not the case with me. If someone were to reach out to me that way, that would only make it worse, cause they're bringing it even more to my attention and making me feel even more stubborn about it.

[Zauls]

As someone with bipolar disorder, I very much empathise with this. I spend days at a time not doing anything and not wanting to, despite knowing there are important things that I have to do. Most of the time, I don't feel motivated to do anything. I don't feel anything towards anything and I can't concentrate on anything and I have no ambition.

 

With bipolar disorder though, there is the occasional period where I feel absolutely on top of the world, I feel like I can do anything and I will work really hard on whatever I can. But even then, I don't work on the things I need to do at the time because they're too menial, I feel like they're beneath me. The result of this is a massive neglect of day-to-day life, no matter if I'm in a stage of depression or euphoria. 

 

For example, right now I'm supposed to be looking for a job. It's really important that I do or I'm essentially screwed as far as my future is concerned. But job hunting is menial and boring and I never feel able to put my mind to it. I'm either sat in bed doing nothing or beginning one of my half-baked temporary attempts to better myself in whatever way. It's really difficult to deal with.

[Night]

Honestly, if it were possible from my end, I'd come live with you.

 

It's funny that you said that because that's literally what I was thinking while reading that.

 

I think you're really lonely man, and not typical loneliness that fades with the advent of a few familiar faces. The kind that really digs deep and resides inside you like a parasite castrating the possibility of everything ever becoming "good". 

 

Just keep going man, and I know that feels like a cop out response but it really isn't. I know that you feel as if you've done all you can to succeed and even then it doesn't feel like anything has changed but that's just because it hasn't. Society will tell you that when you graduate, get a good career and move out from the nest you're going to be happy but that's complete bullshit. It doesn't make you happy, but it sets you on the road to happiness. You've done well for yourself, you should be proud of that. I'm not one to just say sheet in an effort to make people feel better, if I say something then I genuinely believe it and honestly if it were someone else posting this thread I doubt I'd respond.

 

The worst thing you can do is expect immediate change and shut down the possibility of ever feeling happiness. 

You deserve to be happy, and you will be, just give it time.  

[Aerion Brightflame]

My depression seems to manifest itself a little differently from yours from what I see.  The closest way for me to describe mine to others is kinda... like... boredom?  Bored with everything, as though you know what's going to happen.  Like, nothing seems to catch my attention, nothing holds any interest, I can't get happy if the day is sunny or upset when I stub my toe.  My only real thoughts are escape and desires to feel things again.  Every day is monotonous and feels like it drags on and on... and on and on...

 

It's... a real downer...

 

The word you are looking for the describe that boredom is apathy. It's a pretty common symptom/manifestation of chronic depression. Unlike maniac depression, which is the fun one. I use fun loosely, because of the choice between mania, apathy and misery, oscillating between mania and misery is more entertaining than apathy. 

 

As someone whose suffered depression for maybe six or seven years now, the only way I cope, and keep myself going is by challenging It whenever I can. I challenge the constant barrages of negativity and pessimism It throws my way by remembering that's not what I believe, not what I really feel. When it makes me want to curl up in bed, and hide away from the world, I force myself out there because I know that's the best way to spite It. When it keeps me awake at night, and makes me ache, makes me tired, I keep going, keep fighting It. When it tries to make me be alone, I own my alone time. I remember that It is cyclic, that for every down there will eventually be a high, and that It can only win if I let It. I try to own my condition, rather than let It own me. 

 

Essentially by being a stubborn bugger, and fighting in-spite of everything. It doesn't always work, I still get the mood swings, and the anxiety, and insomnia, and all the components that try to make life insufferable. It has still caused me to lose people, and it still keeps me from others I want to know. But I keep myself grounded, and I know that there are always people there for me. Even if it doesn't feel like it, there is always someone in your life willing to hear you out, and help you.  

 

It sounds cliche, but that really is half the battle. Mindfullness and keep fighting, and eventually it can get better. Little steps, little bits of progress, it all adds up. As Night said, the worst that can happen is you expect an immediate cure and let the knowledge that that can't happen keep you from fighting. Because if it wasn't hard, it wouldn't be worth it. 

[cr47t]

I think I probably don't get feelings as often as anyone would. I guess it may be because of spending soooo much of my free time on the computer; I guess that at that point computer activities have gotten boring for me, but everything else I try feels boring too at the start and it's hard to keep going because I would be initially partially turned off from it. I need help, people. Ik this probably isn't the right thread or topic for it; but it's the closest I can think of; the OP helped portray how I feel like that better than I could have myself beforehand.

 

I need advice.

[MiracleGhost47]

I think I probably don't get feelings as often as anyone would. I guess it may be because of spending soooo much of my free time on the computer; I guess that at that point computer activities have gotten boring for me, but everything else I try feels boring too at the start and it's hard to keep going because I would be initially partially turned off from it. I need help, people. Ik this probably isn't the right thread or topic for it; but it's the closest I can think of; the OP helped portray how I feel like that better than I could have myself beforehand.

 

I need advice.

That sucks. Yuuji just made a thread for stuff like this so go check it out if you haven't already. 

[Ryusei the Morning Star]

I'm not at liberty to say none of you know what depression really is, but I can tell you just how frustrating it is to see how commonly people associate it with sadness.

 

Depression is NOT sadness. In fact, people with depression WISH they were sad. Hell, they wish they felt any emotions at all. Depression is a feeling of emptiness. In fact, it's more like drowning. You're basically drowning in a sea of emotions you wish you had. All that pressure is collapsing around you while the air inside you is trying constantly to withstand it and keep you alive because any influx of emotion will crush you.

 

I've been feeling this way for years. In fact, I may have felt this way longer than I can say I have. Back when I first started feeling like there was no point in feeling anything... back before I started making friends in high school... that's when I first felt it. The feeling of emptiness along with the feeling of pressure to succeed and make friends... the crushing pressure of maintaining a friendship that could end in catastrophic failure if I made the wrong move at the wrong time...

 

...and I did just that. I snapped where snapping would cause the chain to break and collapse the relationship I had with those people. Since then, I've been shattered. All of the friends I made that I had hoped to keep were gone. Since then, my life had returned to the way it has been... empty. Crushing. The feeling of pressure to succeed on my own had returned at full force and continued to add up with the pressure of getting a job and my parents constantly beckoning me to find a job. At this point, all I could do was do what they told me. I could not pursue my ambition to become what I wanted because I only found self-worth in finding something that they would be proud of as well as something I could actually afford doing on my own.

 

After years and months of searching and applying, I finally landed the job I had hoped to get. I finally moved out of my parents' house. I finally got a job that paid more than enough to give me a place to live, food to eat, and entertainment to last me a lifetime. My life could not have been more fortunate in my experience...

 

...yet even after a miracle, that feeling of emptiness and pressure still lingers. I still feel nothing and I still feel pressured by an unknown force. Something is still weighing me down. Something is still keeping me from feeling satisfied despite everything I have. No, it's not greed. It's not ambition. It's not the will to impress anyone...

 

...it's me. No, it shouldn't seem like me, but it's me. It's everything I don't want to feel. It's everything I wish I could feel but can't.

 

This is depression. There are few who know it, and even fewer who understand it.

 

Discuss.

Would you consider Nihilism a form of depression? 

 

I 100% agree with you that it's not always "sadness" (not trying to offend or belittle anyone who may experience it in that manner). 

 

Crushing is basically what I would describe it as.

 

It's hopelessness on my part. There's so much I want to set right, or change. Yet I'm either temporally or mentally unable to do so. 

 

I will however consider my "depression" a little different.

 

It's not that I don't feel. I feel too much almost. There are too many emotions and the aggregate of them all make me the mess y'all see. There's to much I want to get done or see, but there's no feasible way to do so

 

The only way I can "fix" that is to put on a mask and live out my life with the illusion that I'm perfectly content with the current status quo.

 

Our problems are a little different there too I think. I have no lack of "friends," in the sense that I can pretty much always find someone to grab a beer with if I wanted to. But as far as someone who I can confide in, there's really not anyone.

 

The problem with wearing a mask is it solves nothing. The emotions just get built up and the keep pushing you down. In the end there's just thoughtless anger. The desire to lash out at anything and everything with no real reason.

 

I wish I couldn't feel, because I hate the monster I've become inside. As hard as it may be to believe, I wasn't always this way

 

Then again, depression is really not the word for the nothingness I am now. 

 

But holy sheet dude, I'm sorry I've been a jabroni w/ regards to you...I can't even begin to feel the pain you're in

[Cool Girl]

I know what you're saying. I have depression and it's really hard for me because almost every day, I feel empty. Just yesterday, I had suicidal thoughts, however, I feel better because I talked to my friends and at all. Just putting that out there because I know what it's like.