A Confession And A Set of Apologies

[VampireofDarkness]

Well, I think after a long enough time, I think it's about time I come through about some sheet. I'm gonna tell it mostly like how I told the mods just recently because I don't think I could have explained it better then:

 

I am Darkness and Queen is Darkness. Not many people know this, but I suffer from a lot of problems with depression, mental disorders, (Aspergers, ADHD) and previously drugs. A few people are fully aware of said issues, and are things I have battled for a while and unfortunately as a result of some of the way these things came about on me, I got on the wrong side of a few arguments in the chat and had a few outbursts. On top of an inconsistent output, I felt like my time was running out on here. However, I still wanted to do things like hold out to the Duel Portal section and participate in other things in YCM more prominently than I was at the time. I felt the only way to solve this was to get into a clean slate and go from there. Hence how Queen began. I based Queen on a lot of my real life past experiences, and from there it became easy to play the character. However, I still was fragile as ever as my real self, hence the giveaway. Regardless, I managed to stay afloat as Queen, but it was more meant to be Queen would give me a little push. However, this turned around and Queen became much more favored than my own self. I eventually frustrated with this to the point where I was like "f*** all this s***, if they want Queen, they can f***ing get Queen". However, this not only led to me to the extreme case of my faked suicide, but also fully adapting the Queen persona unintentionally and thus leading to some conflict elsewhere. Eventually with my other issues afloat it just got way out of hand and I didn't know what to do. I rushed in and dragged in Darkness in attempt to think "Maybe if I can escape this other persona, s*** will be back to normal", then a conversation with Koko who threatened me into revealing s*** and so I did in the Duel Portal Skype chat and was gonna do so on YCM once I sorted some things, but some recent events and accusations led me to having to reveal now.

To summarize:

- s*** hit the fan on my end, I had thought I was no longer credible

- Attempted to restart again, and use it to boost my own confidence a bit

- Everyone favored Queen it seemed, so I killed off Darkness

- In the midst of such, I ended taking the Queen persona way too far as a result of some sort of a personality crisis, which dragged in some intense s***

- I brought back Darkness in attempt to fix all this, to bad intake

- Koko basically held me at gunpoint to reveal myself. I revealed to the DP Skype chat and now I am telling you guys

 

Yes, I know what I did was funking stupid, it was an ordeal enough to run with it and see the peeps who appreciated me as Darkness, some more than Queen than I realized. I fooled even people who I respected and looked up to, and it really hit me in the gut enough times. I hope at least a few of you can understand or forgive me for pulling this and maybe I can move on from this. I'm beating myself over a bit on this still, and I know there are some people who are having a hard time forgiving me, but just know I understand what you have to say. All of you.

 

Also, Koko, thank you. I have my own personal reasons for not liking the timing and I still am a little distraught over taking way too much in, but thank you. That was much more needed than I could realize

[LordCowCowCowCowCowCowCowCow]

I'm really glad you explained everything, I was...really concerned but didn't know you well so I didn't feel it right to talk to you about it. Maybe I should have.

I hope this can be the start of things going better for you, you seem like a cool person. And hey, if you were able to adapt that persona that must mean you're creative too.

Er anyway.

 

I'm not gonna lie, I was slightly pissed off when I first found out. I felt betrayed and I know others would've felt worse. I felt uncomfortable as well. However i can to some extent understand. People do crazy and dumb things when they're dealing with this sheet and at least you understand why it was wrong.

 

But as I said, this could be the start. Not just of things going better but of making up for your mistakes. You obviously are willing to do that, otherwise you wouldn't be saying that.

People love you and care about you, and I'm sure everyone's willing to give you a chance.

 

As for people preferring Queen. Well I can't speak for anyone else but personally I barely interacted with you, while Queen was more in the areas I was. I'm not sure what it's like in DP but from what I know as Queen you were more...active?

 

.............The fact that I gave Queen the unevolved form of your Pokemon in that thread seems eerie now >.>

[Wildflame]

Not particularly surprised about this. Also, not the first time seeing something similar. The death part was when everything started sounding suspicious as funk. Heck, my suspicion was the reason I didn't even leave a single condolence message.

 

I wish I could say something more constructive, but all I have is "I knew it all along", sorry.

[Rodrigo]

Well, alright then. Good luck in dealing with your problems.

[Ryusei the Morning Star]

I've had a S/O died in the past. I know that pain. I may not be the most balanced person, but you certainly don't stay as calm as Queen was about your death.  I was already suspicious at that point, then I asked you about DMoC in MaskedDAD and "Queen" gave a very similar you gave to me in the past, that pretty much confirmed it.

 

I guess it helps to be kinda cynical and pessimistic in life though, I wasn't really saddened or upset by this event, more amused at how people were just blind to the signs

 

Get better please, Depression and being suicidal is NEVER the answer. We're here for you, IDK the exact circumstances, but I'm sure that most of us would have been more than willing to help. You're not alone. Never Forget

[Blake]

I can say for a fact that Koko did not threaten you. Implications could be drawn, but there was no threat, and it's rather unkind to talk about someone in such a way when they're incapable of replying due to IRL circumstances.

 

She told you to come clean, but she only said that she would NOT attack you if you did, despite finding what you did to be wrong.

 

What I don't get is... Why did you go so far?

 

You told Koko that it was not about a confidence boost, it was about giving the persona they wanted. But that doesn't add up, especially with this post.

 

The false suicide part is where the contradiction lies. You could have just said you were leaving as Darkness, but Queen chose to stick around. This would have kept your deception in an easier to manage capacity, with no real drawback. You could still see who all cared if you disappeared, but you chose to wound people you cared about, and that truly escapes me.

 

Was it that doing an extreme would garner more attention? That the general populace would notice? Similarly to Wildflame, I was skeptical, and that's why I refrained from posting. It seemed suspect, and I wanted to watch from afar, especially once this account popped back online after 1-2 days.

 

I have a small personal gripe as well, but it's a candle to the sun.

 

By no means do I endorse doing any of this, nor do I mean to attack. I just want some understanding.

[Simping For Hina]

I like to think the best in people when it comes to telling the truth. Even if I suspect something wrong. Yeah, I know that it can go wrong sometimes.

[VampireofDarkness]

I can say for a fact that Koko did not threaten you. Implications could be drawn, but there was no threat, and it's rather unkind to talk about someone in such a way when they're incapable of replying due to IRL circumstances.

If you could rephrase this, that would be nice. I never meant to portray Koko in a negative light, and in fact, I thanked her for such because it made me learn a bit.

 

 

What I don't get is... Why did you go so far?

 

You told Koko that it was not about a confidence boost, it was about giving the persona they wanted. But that doesn't add up, especially with this post.

 

The false suicide part is where the contradiction lies. You could have just said you were leaving as Darkness, but Queen chose to stick around. This would have kept your deception in an easier to manage capacity, with no real drawback. You could still see who all cared if you disappeared, but you chose to wound people you cared about, and that truly escapes me.

I wasn't willing to admit to such. If you can't tell, a lot of this was sheltering myself form a few real problems I had going on. I had conflicts on my shoes and my output wasn't doing it for me, so I tried using a new slate to imagine that never happened and to have a way to push myself back into the game. Said slate was favored more than what I actually was and/or represented (Or so it seemed), I made only the new slate exist by killing the other off. The moment it became imperfect, I attempted to correct it as myself. I was mostly running from my problems the whole time when really I could have done something, put some sheet down, and solve the real issue at hand. That's really the main thing you can get out of this.

[LordCowCowCowCowCowCowCowCow]

It's also important to note people dealing with these kind of issues aren't always entirely logical in how they do things.

[Simping For Hina]

It's also important to note people dealing with these kind of issues aren't always entirely logical in how they do things.

They are still responsible for their actions regardless of rationale. Logic has no game here and neither does the mind state when it comes to manipulating and toying with others. Only the person.

[LordCowCowCowCowCowCowCowCow]

They are still responsible for their actions regardless of rationale. Logic has no game here and neither does the mind state when it comes to manipulating and toying with others. Only the person.

I know I'm just saying why maybe an action they did seems illogical or contradictory.

[Blake]

It's also important to note people dealing with these kind of issues aren't always entirely logical in how they do things.

Logic can still apply. It's how you profile. The actions spoke to something different from what was presented, though I knew it was likely subconscious reasons. Doesn't mean that I can't ask for something more specific.

 

If you could rephrase this, that would be nice. I never meant to portray Koko in a negative light, and in fact, I thanked her for such because it made me learn a bit.

Things like saying she threatened you and held her at gunpoint don't seem especially positive, even with the thanks at the end.

 

I wasn't willing to admit to such. If you can't tell, a lot of this was sheltering myself form a few real problems I had going on. I had conflicts on my shoes and my output wasn't doing it for me, so I tried using a new slate to imagine that never happened and to have a way to push myself back into the game. Said slate was favored more than what I actually was and/or represented (Or so it seemed), I made only the new slate exist by killing the other off. The moment it became imperfect, I attempted to correct it as myself. I was mostly running from my problems the whole time when really I could have done something, put some sheet down, and solve the real issue at hand. That's really the main thing you can get out of this.

The question remains, though.

 

I'm sure it was mostly subconscious, but take this as an opportunity to look inward, if it was.

 

You took it to an extreme that did not need to be reached. You could have gotten all the same results for simply leaving.

 

Either you, in your deepest heart, wanted to get the most and strongest "I miss you" messages... or you wanted to spite those who chose your secondary persona. To hurt them.

 

I don't know which it is, but there is a reason for everything. And that reason is the part missing here. Figure out what that is, and your chances at mending things becomes exponentially larger. Fail to do so, and people will have the exact same confusion I have expressed, though I have my own theories.

[VampireofDarkness]

It's also important to note people dealing with these kind of issues aren't always entirely logical in how they do things.

 

They are still responsible for their actions regardless of rationale. Logic has no game here and neither does the mind state when it comes to manipulating and toying with others. Only the person.

You both are right in this tbh. While Morgan does have a point, Dae is right on it, and is why I have apologized and went out of my way to make this post. I funked with the heads of some people, including those I highly respect and some people I looked up who I'm sure are disappointed to an extent. That isn't to say the least bit of something to pass on by just cause I was rather in a beyond fragile and messed up state. I am thankful to those who understand the whole deal and lend forgiving, but at the same time I fully understand those who are confused or angered by the whole deal. This is moreso about confronting both and addressing as such.

[Simping For Hina]

You don't deserve forgiveness, and being thankful is the least worthy thing you can do to people giving it to you. Don't be thankful, make yourself worthy of it. And saying that you messed up isn't going to fix that, as it is only a stepping stone to getting on the path to deserving forgiveness. Clean yourself up. If you actually care about anyone here, you'll better yourself by getting the proper help and by making yourself do things that will better yourself.

 

Right now, you did nothing and you are consistently doing nothing about it.

[VampireofDarkness]

The question remains, though.

 

I'm sure it was mostly subconscious, but take this as an opportunity to look inward, if it was.

 

You took it to an extreme that did not need to be reached. You could have gotten all the same results for simply leaving.

 

Either you, in your deepest heart, wanted to get the most and strongest "I miss you" messages... or you wanted to spite those who chose your secondary persona. To hurt them.

 

I don't know which it is, but there is a reason for everything. And that reason is the part missing here. Figure out what that is, and your chances at mending things becomes exponentially larger. Fail to do so, and people will have the exact same confusion I have expressed, though I have my own theories.

Tbh, I expected people to give small condolences and move on, like those in British Soul and Draconus's posts. I didn't expect beyond 1 or 2 people to give any sort of real condolence cause I had at the time felt rather isolated from everyone. Queen was making a much larger name for herself, and I had basically in my eyes screwed myself up to a point beyond repair so it didn't even matter. funked up and terrible of me? Yes, absolutely. Meant in any way to hurt others? No. And would I have just left, it would have been admitting a weakness of myself and if I returned, that weakness still showed. I wasn't even intending to bring back Darkness anywho, it just happened when things got way out of hand. I had just felt that I no longer had a purpose here as Darkness and thus decided to do it the only way I could without portraying myself as a wuss: Killing myself off. I didn't expect to have to come back here, get my main account banned and just barely brought back, and come down to this. I'm trying to come up with what I want to say here but basically I just felt I didn't need to exist on here anymore.

[Tourmaline]

It was funny to see you get online at one part despite still being hidden.

[mitchermitcher]

I am Darkness and Queen is Darkness.

As someone unrelated and only saw both accounts around every once in a while, it was honestly not that hard to tell.

 

I know at least two other people who pulled something similar(One faked dying online and the other was a bit more complicated) and to my knowledge they've both fessed up and eventually became more emotionally stable for it. Might not mean much to say this but, you'll get better.

 

I actually dig this sorta reveal with the whole 'I was actually that other guy too'. If you wanna talk, except about your life problems, I'm free any time.

 

And well, what Wildflame said I guess.

 

I wish I could say something more constructive, but all I have is "I knew it all along", sorry.

[ihop]

huh, coulda fooled me.

 

I'm not really bothered either way, but am pretty glad nobody actually committed suicide (and relieved that the TCG section is not so bad it made someone kill themselves after all). I hope you stay around, I like you.

[Slinky]

So, basically, you lied about committing suicide? You dick.

 

I don't care what kind of problems you have, that is downright low as it completely toys with the emotions of the people who believed you, and is also insulting to the people who have lost someone to suicide.

 

In short, glad you're still alive, but don't EVER do that sheet again.

[Marco Polo]

I ate all of that s*** and felt genuinely really bad.

And while Queen was indeed suspiciously too much of an unrealistically perfectly-matched-soulmate, I fell for the lie through and through nonetheless.

 

You explained well how you understand and expect the whole spectrum of reactions. You understand everything that could be said, the difficulty of getting forgiven, how stupid it was etc. You basically summerized and answered almost all of the possible discussion around this in the first post by yourself.

But the only thing that really shocked me was the reason.

 

What drove you to do all of it, is - this community  ?

It was your YCM reputation that made you switch around identities, played on pre-existing personality crises and made you fake a suicide, just to be more appreciated around here? I'm empathized for you now, as that's quite sad.

And while it surely tells you a lot about yourself and that's for you to think about, it might tell a little about YCM as a community as well. Being very judgemental at the very least.

 

What is totally guaranteed however, is that nothing on here is worth even a grain of your depression; and the sooner you get that the sooner you'll get to build a strong, independent self. 

 

[Sethera]

I waited till today to type this out, to give my feelings time to calm down a bit.

 

Perhaps I'm just too gullible and naive, but I fell for what you said, hook, line, and sinker. And I have mixed feelings on it not being true. Obviously I'm happy you're not dead, but like Winter, I had a significant other who died, and I empathized with Queen. Sure, the reactions were a bit too calm, but I figured you (as Queen) were just putting up a brave front like I had done, and letting your emotions spill out in privacy.

 

Now I don't know what to feel, as apparently I was just empathizing with a liar.

 

I do understand though that a lot of this wasn't outright manipulation, but more a byproduct of personal problems and insecurities. And I am glad that you decided to explain all of this to everybody. While I didn't have much of an opinion on you before (Queen aside), I respect you more for this. It takes a lot of courage to tell the truth sometimes, especially for big lies like this. So, yeah...overall mixed feelings on this whole thing. With the circumstances being as they are, I can understand why you did it to an extent. Still, this hit a bit too personally for me to be able to just forgive you and put it behind me like that.

 

Don't let this discourage you though. As Dae said, focus on trying to improve yourself. Learn from this experience, and use it as a motivator to shape yourself into a better person. There will be people who will support you, even after this, so feel free to lean on them when it gets too much. And hopefully you'll come out better for all of this.

[Spinny]

I'm just glad you're alive! Don't worry about the whole faked death thing, main thing is that you have made it through!

 

(Sorry if this was way overdone, really trying to not say something awkward or upset someone)

[evilfusion]

This situation serves to me as a reminder of WHY I feel the need to be as distant and non-responsive as possible when I receive shocking/terrible news (from a peer).

 

Because I can never tell if someone is serious, or if they're baiting for a reaction. And showing any sort of sign that I believe the news, only for them to laugh at my gullibility or vulnerability with "Haha, just joking!" is inherently bad for me in my eyes. Also because my genuine sympathy sounds sarcastic, phony, or trying too hard to be sincere (making it seem phony) to me, but that's a social problem on my end.

 

I had the advantage of not being invested in you, odd as it is to say that. As such, I had no real reason to doubt the story given, nor feel anything particularly strong. I considered it CREDIBLE that someone was depressed and committed suicide, and their girlfriend broke it to the rest of the site. It was credible ONLY because both the person and alleged girlfriend were on the site already.

 

However, had I known you better or been closer, it would have hurt like hell to hear you died. And if I had posted my condolences or had an emotional comment in that thread, only to discover later that it was a lie, I'd have been SUPER PISSED. Because that would have been exactly what I'm afraid of - someone confiding something terrible, only to reveal it was a joke/prank/lie/whatever, and I'd be left feeling like someone had stomped on my vulnerability. And reduced my HP bar so far that I go red and my attacks go faster. I forgot where I was going with this.

 

I'm glad you're not dead. I'm glad that it doesn't appear as if the incident was for malicious intents, but rather a byproduct of emotional issues that I can fully understand causing one to act rashly and make a stupid situation in an attempt to bury the problem. I also hope you learn something from this situation that will prevent anything of the sort from happening again.

 

But you also need to know that the situations caused by emotional backlash have consequences. Rebuilding the relationships with people affected by the deception will be a difficult thing to do for some of them.

[~ P O L A R I S ~]

Good show, 10/10! Would recommend to friends and family! 

 

Sadly they all died horribly in fires, but s*** happens! 

 

 

 

Perhaps I'm just too gullible and naive

 

 

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)!

 

 

This situation serves to me as a reminder of WHY I feel the need to be as distant and non-responsive as possible when I receive shocking/terrible news (from a peer).

 

Then again, going through the motions of grief and being betrayed strengthens the immune system! 

['tyleR]

So, basically, you lied about committing suicide? You dick.

 

I don't care what kind of problems you have, that is downright low as it completely toys with the emotions of the people who believed you, and is also insulting to the people who have lost someone to suicide.

 

In short, glad you're still alive, but don't EVER do that s*** again.

 

-

 

Literally this, it took the words right out of my mouth.  I don't know or care who you are and will never give a f***.  You're a f***ing a******.  Seriously.  You're a goddamn loser, which you apparently already know.  You cared so much about what some people on the internet think and needed so much fake ass validation that you FAKED SUICIDE.  You have issues.  I know PLENTY of people with actual depression, and suffered myself from both depression AND rampant drug use for a year and a half.  Never once did I, or anyone else with these issues, do something like that.  Using your "issues" like those & your supposed Aspergers & ADHD to make excuses and gain attention makes me doubt everything you say.  Don't say you don't want attention, you f***ing crave it like a newborn puppy.  Maybe some of your friends think you're genuine but I see through f***s like you from miles away.  

 

My grandfather, friend, and cousin have all committed suicide within the past 3 years and I can't tell you how f***ing horrible that feeling is.  It's awful.  It's something you never stop thinking about, and it's traumatic in ways unexplainable.  To think you faked something like that and could have possibly done that to someone else just tells me you're a whore for the attention.  You care little about other's feelings, only how they view you.  You're lightweight sociopathic, and it makes me f***ing furious.

 

4 Years ago I would have said go jump off a bridge, but in light of my own tragedies I've stopped saying s*** like that to anyone.  Instead, I'll say go see a f***ing therapist.

 

EDIT:  And too mods, give me all the warnings, y'all know I give 0 shits about warnings and bans.  I wasn't gonna downplay this jabroni sheet.