Hitting a little child: How unacceptable/effective can/can't it be?

[EndUser]

  I happen to live near 2 families, both of which have 2 children:

a) The parents of the one are, in average, tough with their children but treat them with respect and rarely (I don't know if ever) hit them. Both of them are generally mild children. Also, both are 6-7 years old.

b) The others parents treat theirs more harshly, mostly because the children were tense from their early ages. Unfortunately, they say bad words so often that the children do too. (The older one is way too boisterous tbh). The one is 1, the other 4 years old.

  Apparently, the way parents treat their children plays the most crucial role to how the kids will develop.

 

  Thing is, my parents were talking loudly, were saying bad words and were strict to all of us (4 to be exact) and were often hitting us. However, we managed to become responsible and not act the same way, despite the way they treated us. This makes me also think that it's not only the way parents treat you but also how you learn to grow up the way to decide to.

 

   One the one hand, violence and bad mouth lead nowhere because this is how children learn to deal with their problems as well. However, hitting the youngs is often a fast (but not always appropriate) method to show children that there are boundaries they shouldn't cross.

 

  All in all, parents need to find a balance between their tolerance to their children's actions and the need to step in, either with their hands or verbally.

 

 

  The purpose of this thread is to discuss the several aspects of the way parents should treat their children and what should they be aware of before acting on a whim (psysical/psychological/other issues). Emphasis, though, must be given to the aspect of bodily violence.

[Ｄｈａｒｃ]

Take it from someone who has been studying developmental psych in school for a couple years now, who also has seven siblings via multiple parental marriages: there is no definitive answer to what works and what doesn't, save for something as obvious as abuse causing problems down the road. I've seen my siblings all grow up for the past 11 and a half years, and I can say that everything comes down to the base temperament of the child and their perceptions just as much as it does to the way the children are educated (by parents, school, society, et cetera).

 

Personally, I feel physical punishment should only be used sparingly, if at all; only hit a child if they hit someone or intentionally break something, or anything of that sort. Generally speaking, reinforcement is considered to be more effective in terms of behavioral reinforcement and education than punishment, but there are exceptions to that. Really, it comes down to too many factors for any approach to be definitively correct or incorrect. It's mostly a matter of finding out what the child responds best to.

[Tentacruel]

IMHO, hitting kids isn't as effective as some people say it is but it isn't as traumatizing as other people say it is.  

 

I find most physical discipline unnecessary but giving a kid a slap on the wrist isn't going to funk them up for life. 

[Dad]

IMHO, hitting kids isn't as effective as some people say it is but it isn't as traumatizing as other people say it is.  

 

I find most physical discipline unnecessary but giving a kid a slap on the wrist isn't going to funk them up for life. 

 

Basically, this.  Now on one hand, I'll be honest:  if I ever lied to my grandmother / grandfather or said something inappropriate as a child, my dad would whoop my ass.  Straight up.  But usually I just got a spanking or a grounding.  And I'm not mentally destroyed in the slightest.  But this is an isolated incident, so I can't say the same would be true for someone else.  

[EndUser]

 who also has seven siblings via multiple parental marriages

 

Personally, I feel physical punishment should only be used sparingly, if at all; only hit a child if they hit someone or intentionally break something, or anything of that sort.

 

 It's mostly a matter of finding out what the child responds best to.

  Seven siblings? That's impressive. I hope you get on well with each other...   ;)

 

  The next two are good points... For the 2nd one: In order to know how the child reacts to each kind of punishment, you should experiment a bit, though. Versed, this means that you learn from your child and correspondingly you can comunnicate with each other better. Seems legit, isn't it?

  And yes, it's clearly up to everyone's understanding and experience on the matter, although we tend to diminish physical punishment gradually.

 

IMHO, hitting kids isn't as effective as some people say it is but it isn't as traumatizing as other people say it is.  

 

I find most physical discipline unnecessary but giving a kid a slap on the wrist isn't going to f*** them up for life. 

  Totally agree; it's about how each one sees it. Also, there is the parents' own growth which plays a vital role as well. They, as children, would "absorb" their parent's way of treatment or possibly learn to act depending how their overall surroundings were (i.e. the neighborhoods, the country etc.). In other words, if there is minimal to no violence in a specific territory, the children there will not know that this kind of treatment exists. Not that they won't learn it when they become independent but still.

 

Basically, this.  Now on one hand, I'll be honest:  if I ever lied to my grandmother / grandfather or said something inappropriate as a child, my dad would whoop my ass.  Straight up.  But usually I just got a spanking or a grounding.  And I'm not mentally destroyed in the slightest.  But this is an isolated incident, so I can't say the same would be true for someone else.  

  That's how every child should see it: not as a punishment but rather as a way to think how bad their actions were to receive such conduct. However, they are too young, so this alone is a problem...  :/

 

 

 

  There are laws and legislations that limitate or are totally against the bad verbal and psysical conduct, and many books/articles/psychologists etc. lean to this. The usual lesson they teach us is the understanding parents should have of their children (how they feel, how their health is and so on) and ways to prevent or punish them.

  Roughly thinking of how the youngs act, it reminds me of the little animals: They are exactly the same, only difference been their genre and their physical analogy. They are brainless (except that animals' instincts are more acute), but human children are not THAT different. Throw a baby or a 2-year-old child from a roof, together with a cat; both will try to fall with their hands and feet facing the ground to prevent hitting their head.

 

  My point? Children (especially the youngest) have little to no compunctions or understanding of matters, so they act instinctively and according to what they want at every moment. In other words, they often won't bother to just hear what their parents say, and parents' patience is not infinite, so a little "direct approach" is a good alternative. Of course, over-abusing this "advantage" is totally unacceptable, but still...

[Guardsman Sly Marbo]

Physical punishment is something that alot of parents look down on these days. Except mine.

Makes a good funking incentive not to screw up, eh?

[LordCowCowCowCowCowCowCowCow]

Pretty much what Tenta said.

 

The thing to keep in mind is to use it sparingly, and only for the really bad, INTENTIONAL offenses. I've seen people smack their kid for bumping into something and it ending up breaking, for being loud in public, etc. (Also seriously some parents are really bad at dealing with kids in public)

 

Anyway my brother was punished physically for things, he kinda has some, ah, issues. Of course my dad went too far with it at times though.

Meanwhile I have never been more than spanked a few times and I never get in trouble like...ever.
It varies person to person of course but my point is that you don't need to hit a kid to discipline them.

But depending how much you do it, it could be effective.

 

Personally I probably won't hit my kids when I have them, but I won't flat out say no one ever should.

[Sethera]

My method of discipline was the "naughty chair" that stood in the corner. I had to sit in it for a certain number of minutes (aligning with my age) until I reached 5-7 years old. It worked really, really well because I am naturally impatient. After that I moved on from the naughty chair to having toys taken away from me. That also worked really well. I was also spanked sometimes but not that often, and it never hurt, just stung.

 

Point is there are a lot more effective ways to punish a child besides spanking, so you shouldn't have to rely on it. Still, it's not bad in itself, and certainly isn't traumatizing; at least it wasn't for me.

[Aix]

The best method of discipline and upbringing is different depending on the kid.

 

Personally, I dunno if I would be willing to hit a child and yeah, there are definitely other possible punishments.

[Yui]

I'm personally against raising a hand against another human being in general, especially a child.  I can see why some offenses may require a quick slap on the wrist or something similar, but as stated previously in this thread, these should be reserved for instances where the child's offense was more deliberate and/or physical.  There's nothing a hand can do to a person that well-used words or other forms of punishment can't do just as well, if not better in some cases, though in many cases simple works best.  I'd save it for repeat offenses perhaps, if I had kids of my own.  If they turn out anything like myself, taking away the electronics ought to get the message across pretty clearly ^_^;

 

My childhood is kind of a massive blur for the most part so I can't say I recall what forms of discipline were used, but I'm more or less certain that physical punishment was not among them.

[Just Crouton]

When parents hit their kids, it isn't to discipline. They're either annoyed/embarrassed at the situation or having a bad day and just take it out on the kid. It's lazy parenting.

 

I remember one time my niece was screaming for an hour, and her mom spanked her and told her to stop it. Except inflicting pain on a screaming kid to get them to shut up makes them scream louder, so my niece continued screaming. And, she threw the exact same tantrum again the next day. Great deterrent there, champ.

 

My mom had anger issues when I was younger, and used to hit me and my brothers, and my dad eventually confronted her and made her see a psychiatrist for it. Since then, both my parents used their words to address an offense, and my relationship with my mom greatly improved.

 

I guess one of the life lessons my parents taught me without actually telling me is that you should teach your kid to use their words in a situation, not their hands. And, part of that is teaching them what they did wrong so they know how to act instead of just slapping them and moving on until they act up again.

 

Some people use the argument "well, my parents hit me and I turned out fine" to justify hitting their kids. I wonder how many times they were hit as a kid for repeat offenses before they finally learned the lesson.

[Fusion X. Denver]

I personally probably won't ever hit my kids for disciplinary purposes. Just feels wrong to me, but I think it's arrogant to claim one's parenting style is superior to another's. It's always a case by case basis when it comes to parenting, I've known kids who were spanked or hit growing up and I know plenty who haven't. I know my grandfather used the belt on my dad a lot since he was a pain in the ass, but they had a loving relationship up until the day Grandpa died. Whereas my dad would just raise his voice and give me a nasty glare if I ever misbehaved and that usually shamed me into punishment.

[Ｄｈａｒｃ]

When parents hit their kids, it isn't to discipline. They're either annoyed/embarrassed at the situation or having a bad day and just take it out on the kid. It's lazy parenting.

 

I remember one time my niece was screaming for an hour, and her mom spanked her and told her to stop it. Except inflicting pain on a screaming kid to get them to shut up makes them scream louder, so my niece continued screaming. And, she threw the exact same tantrum again the next day. Great deterrent there, champ.

 

My mom had anger issues when I was younger, and used to hit me and my brothers, and my dad eventually confronted her and made her see a psychiatrist for it. Since then, both my parents used their words to address an offense, and my relationship with my mom greatly improved.

 

I guess one of the life lessons my parents taught me without actually telling me is that you should teach your kid to use their words in a situation, not their hands. And, part of that is teaching them what they did wrong so they know how to act instead of just slapping them and moving on until they act up again.

 

Some people use the argument "well, my parents hit me and I turned out fine" to justify hitting their kids. I wonder how many times they were hit as a kid for repeat offenses before they finally learned the lesson.

The only thing I have to say about this is that sometimes children can't exactly comprehend a "This is why you shouldn't do that."  Take my youngest sibling, for example, who is a little over 18 months old.  Now, he's talking a good bit now, and he's figuring stuff out, but just a few months ago, it was a different scenario.  So, as a young child, he sometimes doesn't understand what you are and aren't supposed to do to people, which includes but is certainly not limited to knowing not to bite people.  So, when he would bite my mother or stepfather, they'd give him a quick smack on the cheek or hand, and tell him "No, don't bite" in a stern tone.  And for the record, this has nothing to do with embarrassment; this was just my family, at home.

 

Now, we've gone for a good long while without him biting anybody.  We never spanked him, we never hit him with a wooden spoon — one quick smack (enough to be unpleasant but not enough to cause any sort of lasting pain) and a stern tone every time he bit someone, and he eventually stopped.

 

I want to make it clear that I'm not saying "hit your kids, it totally fixes everything."  But you cannot deny that people of all ages respond to pain/discomfort/whatever you want to call it.  It isn't lazy parenting anymore than letting a child discover the consequences of their actions on their own is lazy parenting.  I understand that people have had issues in their lives with abuse (which is VERY DIFFERENT AND TOTALLY SEPARATE FROM A SLAP ON THE WRIST), and that can shift your perceptions on the matter; there are people very close to me who suffered abuse from their parents, so I understand what it's like (as best as one can from an outside perspective).

 

Personally, I am a pacifist, so I really don't see myself hitting my children.  But if my significant other feels as though it's in order to discipline our child, I understand, so long as they exercise proper restraint and I can see why it might be logical from a non-pacifist's perspective.

 

Again, the biggest disclaimers I can give are:

A.) very few things are inherently right or wrong in terms of educating a child (and don't try to say "but dharc, what about X"; you know what I mean), because everyone is different

and B.) abuse is a very serious issue, it comes in multiple forms (physical, emotional, sexual), and holds no place in proper human activity, let alone raising a child

[a bad post]

While I don't usually enjoy discussing my home life as it's not something I like to throw on people, however I believe this is an appropriate situation, so I'll tell you a little about my daily life. As someone who has a father who is verbally, emotionally, and physically abusive to everyone else in the family on a daily basis I can tell you that hitting a child can mess them up.

 

My dad will on a daily basis smack/punch me and my brothers quite forcefully in the head or chest for absolutely no reason, because he finds it amusing and "doesn't actually hit us that hard" or "it shouldn't have even hurt", but will fly off the handle if my younger brothers do the exact same thing. When becoming slightly frustrated he will often resort (more recently as of late) throwing things at us, and screaming what inconsiderate awful children we are.

 

This has created a family in which you have one child (myself) who interacts with him as little as possible, resents all of his parenting methods, and gets out of the house as much as possible, or locking myself in my room to avoid having to interact with him. Another child who avoids him as much as possible, and has gotten to the point where he actually hates his father. Finally, you have my youngest brother who actually hesitates to even get within arms reach of him because he worries he'll get him. So, yeah I'm very against hitting children, especially since it basically means you think your justified in beating up someone who can't actually defend themselves against you, and if they do try to defend themselves it leads to an even worse situation.

 

Anyway that just my 2 cents

[Makο]

The thing about physical discipline is that it has just as much to do with attitude as it does with the physical parts itself. Humans are surprisingly receptive to these sorts of things based off of emotional cues and expressions.

 

For example, when I was younger, I got physically disciplined from time to time. A slap on the hand, spanking, I think my dad slapped me across the face once. But the thing is, even as a child, I knew that they weren't hitting me out a frustration, or anger, or anything else. It was the solemn, unwanted task of dealing your hand unto your child so that they might learn a lesson. And I understood that.

 

Now, if they had raised their hand against me out of anger, it wouldn't be surprising if I had ended up being not only hit more, but I had been messed up in the head as a result. And even if a parent is using physical disciplined not out of anger or frustration, a child might not pick up on that.

 

So, in the end, it really boils down to your child and trying to understand them. There is no manual for how to deal with every child in every situation; it's just as much trial and error as anything else in life. Some kids can get hit and turn out fine, others need to be dealt with in different ways.

 

I dunno.

[Agro]

Ever spanked a dog to make it do what you want? The most you should really do is firmly grip the snout to train them not to bite.

 

Ever yelled at a dog when it does something bad? They give you the same look a human does when they know they did something wrong.

 

This is important to note because unlike literally every other animal in the entire world, dogs understand human social cues.

(ex. Put a treat under one of three cups, then mix them up so the dog doesn't know which one it is. After that, point to the one with the treat under it. Not even chimpanzees will know what you mean when you point. But the dog will understand immediately.)

 

My point is that if you wouldn't use physical force to discipline a dog, why would you use it to discipline a human being?

 

fuckipostedingeneralagain

[Makο]

Ever yelled at a dog when it does something bad? They give you the same look a human does when they know they did something wrong.

 

Don't yell at your kids, kids.

[Agro]

Don't yell at your kids, kids.

When I say yell, I more mean, talk sternly.

[Sunshine Jesse]

Ever yelled at a dog when it does something bad? They give you the same look a human does when they know they did something wrong.

That's actually a look of confusion because it doesn't remember what it's getting yelled at about.

 

Anyways, kids should never be hit, and it's something only awful parents make a habit of.

 

If the kid's doing something really dangerous and needs to be stopped -right then,- a firm slap could be warranted, I guess, but it's really just lazy, bad parenting.

[Ｄｈａｒｃ]

Ever spanked a dog to make it do what you want? The most you should really do is firmly grip the snout to train them not to bite.

Not to sound rude, but...How the hell do you grab a child by the snout?  Like, seriously, what does this equate to in terms of disciplining a child?  Besides, when a dog doesn't behave properly, what a lot of dog trainers do is they make a sound that the dog doesn't like (i.e., a hiss) and give a quick, small, more irritating than painful jab to the area where the neck connects to the head, whenever they respond improperly.  Again, that's a physical action, but you're not doing it to harm the dog or exert power over it for the purpose of instilling fear.

[Agro]

That's actually a look of confusion because it doesn't remember what it's getting yelled at about.

Lowering its head and shoulders and trying to sneak out of the room is a look of confusion?

 

If she didn't do anything, she doesn't actually make that motion, is the thing.

[Sunshine Jesse]

Lowering its head and shoulders and trying to sneak out of the room is a look of confusion?

Yes. Dogs are dumb (in terms of memory).

 

They might know they did something wrong, but if you don't catch them immediately, they won't know -what.-