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THE BEST JOKE EVER, AND I MEAN EVER

tonisanoob

By tonisanoob
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cyberdude Newbie

cyberdude

Posted
Posted

Allright i have one

[spoiler=Warning the following joke contains sexual refrences]

A preacher wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase a horse and enter it in the races. However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third!

 

The next day the local paper carried this headline: PREACHER'S ASS SHOWS. The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won. The paper read: PREACHER'S ASS OUT IN FRONT. The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in another race. The paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S ASS. This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the preacher to get rid of the donkey. The preacher decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The paper headline the next day read: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN. The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.00.

 

The next day the headline read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.00. This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey, lead it to the plains, and let it go. Next day, the headline in the paper read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE. The Bishop was buried the next day.

 

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cyberdude Newbie

cyberdude

Posted
Posted

allright i got anthor one

[spoiler=contains swears]

Son: Dad, I have to do a special report for school. Can I ask you a question?

Father: Sure, son. What's the question?

Son: What is politics?

Father: Well, let's take our home for example. I am the wage earner, so let's call me “Tony Blair.” Your mother is the administrator of money, so we'll call her “Gordon Brown.” We take care of your needs, so we'll call you “the People.” We'll call the maid “the Working Class,” and your baby brother we can call “the Future.” Do you understand, son?

Son: I'm not really sure, Dad. I'll have to think about it.

 

That night, awakened by his baby brother's crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the boy went to his parents' room and found his mother sound asleep. He went to the maid's room where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheeded by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep. The next morning he reported to his father.

Son: Dad, now I think I understand what politics is.

Father: Good, son! Can you explain it to me in your own words?

Son: Well, dad, while Tony Blair is screwing the Working Class, Gordon Brown is sound asleep, the People are being completely ignored and the Future is full of sheet.

 

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cyberdude Newbie

cyberdude

Posted
Posted

You guys like that one

heres anthor one

* THESE ARE ACTUAL QUOTES I DIN'T MAKE THESE UP*

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."

...George W. Bush

 

"Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child."

...Governor George W. Bush

 

"Welcome to Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts."

...Governor George W. Bush

 

"Mars is essentially in the same orbit...Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe."

...Governor George W. Bush, 8/11/94

 

"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century."

...Governor George W. Bush, 9/15/95

 

"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy -- but that could change."

...Governor George W. Bush, 5/22/98

 

"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'."

...Governor George W. Bush, 12/6/93

 

"Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things."

...Governor George W. Bush, 11/30/96

 

"I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future."

...Governor George W. Bush

 

"The future will be better tomorrow."

...Governor George W. Bush

 

"We're going to have the best educated American people in the world."

...Governor George W. Bush 9/21/97

 

"People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history."

...Governor George W. Bush

 

"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."

...Governor George W. Bush to Sam Donaldson, 8/17/93

 

"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe."

...Governor George W. Bush

 

"Public speaking is very easy."

...Governor George W. Bush to reporters

 

"I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican."

...Governor George W. Bush

 

"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."

...Governor George W. Bush

 

"When I have been asked who caused the riots and the killing in LA, my answer has been direct & simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame."

...George W. Bush

 

"Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it."

...Governor George W. Bush 5/20/96

 

"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur."

...Governor George W. Bush 9/22/97

 

"For NASA, space is still a high priority."

...Governor George W. Bush, 9/5/93

 

"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children."

...Governor George W. Bush , 9/18/95

 

"The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that George Bush may or may not make."

...Governor George W. Bush

 

"We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the mistakes we may or may not have made."

...Governor George W. Bush

 

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."

...Governor George W. Bush

 

"[it's] time for the human race to enter the solar system."

...Governor George W. Bush

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Atomix Newbie

Atomix

Posted
Posted

err.... i'm not good at this but

 

[spoiler=contains bad language]

A boy comes home from school with homework to learn the alphabet, he goes to his dad who's hammering some wood

"dad," said the boy

"oh sheet, f*** o** you b****," said the dad.

so the boy went up to the teacher and said,

"oh sheet, f*** o** you b****"

 

 

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Kaitou Kid Newbie

Kaitou Kid

Posted
Posted

thay 1 PWNS

 

Try This 1

[spoiler=1st=Blonde Joke]

There once was a blonde who was very tired of blonde jokes and insults directed at her intelligence.

 

So, she cut and dyed her hair, got a make-over, got in her car, and began driving around in the country.

 

Suddenly, she came to a herd of sheep in the road. She stopped her car and went over to the shepherd who was tending to them.

 

"If I can guess the exact number of sheep here, will you let me have one?" she asked.

 

The shepherd, thinking this was a pretty safe bet, agreed.

 

"You have 171 sheep," said the blonde in triumph.

 

Surprised, the shepherd told her to pick out a sheep of her choice.

 

She looked around for a while and finally found one that she really liked.

 

She picked it up and was petting it when the shepherd walked over to her and asked, "if I can guess your real hair color, will you give me my sheep back?"

 

The blonde thought it was only fair to let him try. "You're a blonde! Now give me back my dog."

 

 

[spoiler=2nd Women Translations]

Yes = No

 

No = Yes

 

Maybe = No

 

I'm sorry. = You' ll be sorry.

 

We need... = I want

 

It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now. Do what you want... = You'll pay for this later. We need to talk... = I need to complain Sure...go ahead = I don't want you to.

 

I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron! You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about? Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs. This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house. I want new curtains = ...and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper..... Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there! I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep. Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive. How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like.

 

I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.

 

Am I fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful.

 

You have to learn to communicate. = Just agree with me.

 

Are you listening to me!? = Too late, you're dead.

 

Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep.

 

I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.

 

In response to What's wrong?:

 

The same old thing = Nothing

 

Nothing = Everything

 

Nothing, really = It's just that you're such an idiot!

 

 

I found these on Aha!Jokes

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