An Immortal Legend

[Aix]

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An Immortal Legend

[hr]So I was thinking about what would be my ideal story, and it would be a long fantasy epic focusing on one main character and their life. The plot would involve events on a massive scale like the rising of an empire or cataclysms, but it would not forget about the intricacies of its characters and their emotions and attachments. I also wanted to see a story that took place over numerous millenia, but of course, that would conflict with my point of wanting it to focus on one characters' exploits. I decided could do it about his legacy and his descendants, sort of like JoJo's, or I could make said character an immortal. Have a look at the topic title and hazard a guess at which I picked.
 
An Immortal Legend (name subject to change) features an immortal who was left behind in the World of Man even after the Gods left. The story starts only a few hundred years after the Creation of Man and the departure of the Gods - the two primordial events that often occur in fantasy settings, but usually take place at least thousands or tens of thousands of years if not more prior to the start of the story. If I continue writing, the story will eventually take us through the course of thousands of years and show how the world, as well as Saerheim himself, changes with the ages.
 
This is a casual writing project with rather minimalistic prose akin to Light Novels, so it should be easy and fast to read. Please comment if you read it, any feedback at all will be encouraging.
[hr]
[spoiler=Book I: The First Empire][hr]For those who lack patience: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1kIRGJpGqsU2AA8E1r6xkeNsUCDa7vwtQnSA_gLKkPI0/edit?usp=sharing[hr]Book I details the rise of the legendary Holy Emperor Khan under the guidance of the Living God, Saerheim. These events will eventually serve to create an early breakthrough in the technological and social development of the human race. The story may start a little slow.
[hr][spoiler=Characters]Ralados Khan
The second prince of Parias. A serious young man who looks older than he is, and a peerless swordsman and a tactician. He has grand dreams and a certain arrogance, but is awkward with dealing with people outside of giving orders.
 
Saerheim
An immortal who lives peacefully as a doctor for the nomadic tribes in the west. He avoids prolonged contact with others because it becomes more painful when he outlives them. While his outward demeanor is flippant and relaxed, he is actually very thoughtful and caring in his actions.
 
Terese Starchild
A young woman who works as a doctor and actively seeks out Saerheim's teachings. She laments that the immortal seems to avoid her. Although she seems reserved at a glance, she is actually quite assertive and actively helps others. An orphan whose parents died of disease when she was seven while she herself was saved by Saerheim's remedies.
 
Mydas Faran
Khan's retainer. A simple, humble man with a great sense of duty. The only thing he takes quiet pride in is his swordsmanship. He is quite wary of others, especially those who approach his master.[/spoiler][hr][spoiler=0: An Introduction]Our story begins towards the fall of the thousand-year Dawn Era. Not twenty years after the Gods left Man to their own devices did the conflicts begin. Without the Gods' guidance, Man was lost. They had learned to grow crops and build basic structures, but when unpredicted problems arose and, for example, crops failed, Man grew bitter and hungry.
 
It was fortunate for Man numbered few then, and his battles were small. However, Man learned to band together into larger, and then even larger communities. The emergence of organized trade and politics suppressed the hounds of war, but it also gave birth to conspiracy and manipulation. It would seem that Man was destined to fight.
 
Fearful of the oncoming period of war, Ralados Khan, the second prince of a small monarchy, and a visionary of this time was chasing the the wisps of a rumor to lands far to the west, past the mountains that split the world. He and two of his escort rode down a seldom-trod trade road in seek of a legend, the answer to all their troubles.
 
The Gods did not leave Man completely unarmed. The Earth was laden with Their Gifts, and it was up to Man's discretion on how to use them.[/spoiler][spoiler=I: Arrival to a Foreign Land]"Young boy, do you know of a settlement nearby?"
 
Sprawled upon the long grass with a basket of herbs at his side was a fair-skinned youth. He had flowing gold hair, and beauteous features that could put the courtesans of Parias to shame. Looking over at the man on the horse inquiring him, he gave an amused expression.
 
"Aye, if you give me a ride, I can show you the way," the youth said, sitting up. His accent on the Gods' Tongue was thick and strange, but it was how the natives of this region spoke. After the Gods left, and humans created their cultures, their way of speech also changed and varied.
 
Ralados Khan, second prince of the monarchy of Parias, nodded. "Faran, allow the boy onto your horse."
 
The man named Faran and his horse were about to plod over when the youth interrupted.
 
"I like your horse best," he said.
 
Khan rode a mighty black steed that had not tired even once on their long journey. In fact, anyone who looked upon it would understand its grandeur, and know it was the horse of a prince. Khan was quite proud of it and when the time for war came, he would ride it fearlessly into battle.
 
"Impudence! To demand the prince--"
 
Khan rose a hand to stop his retainer's tirade. However, he wasn't willing to let this boy onto his warhorse either. "Indeed, mine is a fine horse, but you see, Faran's horse is as fine as any."
 
"The men from over the mountains will only be known as petty."
 
"You are truly a bold one, child," said the prince.
 
"A-Ah, please forgive me, great one!" The youth's lack of movement from his lax position on the ground betrayed his sarcasm. "Spare me! For you will have no one to show you the way."
 
Khan had to wonder what brave and impudent man would dare taunt two mounted, armed warriors like this, and ultimately attributed it to the foolishness of the young and the ignorance of this region's people. This child seemed to bear them no ill will, and he had no desire to drag this on. "You will still insist on riding my horse, boy?"
 
"Yes."
 
Khan sighed. "Very well."
 
The youth gave an amused smile and stood up. "I am honored beyond imagining by your generosity and magnanimity," he said. Then, he picked up his basket-backpack and climbed up behind Khan. "That way." With a gesture of his finger, they set off across the plains.
 
 
They rode in silence for a while before Khan spoke. "Boy, do you know the tale of the living god around these parts?" asked Khan to the youth behind him. He noted now that they were close that the youth was almost half his size, though in fairness, Khan was a warrior of considerable stature. "I hear he is a paragon of knowledge and wisdom, and the proof of his divinity shows in that he cannot die no matter what is done to him, neither blades nor old age can prevail."
 
"I live alone and don't hear of these tales," said the boy.
 
"One as young as yourself lives alone and without story of what goes on in the world around you?" Khan was genuinely curious. He considered himself a well-informed man and could not imagine a life of ignorance.
 
"Aye, my progenitors left long ago and could tell me stories no more." Despite the somber topic, there was a peculiar humor in his voice. Khan found the boy strange and felt no urge to speak further.
 
 
"Thank you for the ride, your Eminence," said the boy. He rose his hand to his head in the salute of Khan's homeland before running off. It was a moment before it struck Khan as odd, but the boy had too quickly scurried out of sight between the numerous tents the formed the nomad camp.
 
"He knew our customs," spoke Faran.
 
"It is of little concern," said Khan. He realized he should have asked the boy where this camp's chief was, but a quick glance let him locate the largest tent, isolated from the others.
 
They rode slowly to avoid bumping into anyone, but there was no real need. The people here avoided the two foreigners. Khan caught many anxious glances his way, and he supposed it was only natural to be intimidated by him. Compared to the second prince of Parias, they were but savages.
 
It turned out that the large tent was not in fact the chief's tent. Opening the flap, Khan was hit with a putrid smell like vomit and rotting flesh. Within were four occupied bedrolls, and a young woman who appeared to be a doctor.
 
She seemed surprised to see them, but immediately began speaking out. "Who are you? Go away, do you not fear the plague?"
 
Khan quickly closed the flap, unwilling to be exposed to the smell and sights inside. The bedridden ones looked terrible. However, he opened the flap again to ask the girl. "Where can I find the leader of this camp?"
 
The girl creased her eyebrows at his reappearance, but pointed past him and said. "Just right across from here."
 
Khan thanked her and as he was closing the flap the woman spoke again.
 
"You're looking for him aren't you?"
 
Khan decided against opening the flap again to answer. "Him"? There could be only one person that she was referring to. He immediately concluded that he was not the only one looking for the immortal. Connecting it to the boy before, perhaps someone had already come from his land or one of the surrounding kingdoms to look for the immortal, thus the boy had picked up on those gestures native to Parias and its neighbors.
 
"Did my brother already send someone here?" asked Khan.
 
Faran paused for a moment. "I could not know... but we have not been having much contact with your brother as of late."
 
"That is true. But it would be quite frustrating if we were beaten to the chase by men from our own kingdom. Our long journey here would have been completely redundant," said Khan.
 
Faran said nothing as they proceeded to the tent the young woman had pointed to. Khan opened the flap to the familiar noise of arguing men. They stopped as Khan entered, and turned to him with mixed expressions.
 
"What are you doing here?!" demanded the man who looked to be the chief. He was middle aged and looked small and weak in Khan's eyes, but he was the only one there sitting in a chair.
 
"I am Ralados Khan of--"
 
"Know you no manners?! Begone! Get out of here!" cried the man.
 
It was then which Khan realized his error. He had no idea of the customs of this place, especially as he simply assumed they were savages. Evidently, his entering the tent without notice was a serious affront. Knowing the time for a swift retreat as any tactician would, he backed out of the tent to come face to face with the woman in the medical tent from before.
 
She seemed quite amused at the foreigner's blunder before her expression turned apologetic. "I'm terribly sorry, I should have realized that you would have charged right in," she said. Despite her prior amusement, she seemed sincere. "Do you simply enter others' tents where you come from?"
 
"No, we have doors, like wooden gateways, which we knock, but tents without doors we simply enter," said Khan.
 
The girl pointed to a bell that hung outside the tent which Khan did not notice before. "We use those to ask for entry. It would be very awkward, after all, if one were to walk in on a couple, among other things."
 
Khan gave her a grin. "Thank you... for informing me."
 
"You're looking for him, aren't you?" she said again.
 
"If by him you mean the rumored immortal, then yes," said Khan.
 
"His name is Saerheim," said the girl. "And he is most certainly not just a rumor."
 
"So I hear," said Khan.
 
"You missed him. He came by just earlier," said the girl.
 
"Oh?" At this point, Khan suddenly had a strange suspicion.
 
"He was dropping off some medicine," she said.
 
Khan recalled that there had been numerous bins of herbs in the medical tent. His fanciful suspicion was all but confirmed. "He wouldn't happen to look like a boy of fifteen, and have long blond hair as well as a face that girls would envy, would he?"
 
The girl giggled at this description. "Yes, that would be him."
 
Khan put on a troubled expression and closed his eyes for a moment. "We met him on the way here, we even gave him a ride... This whole time, I had been calling him 'boy' and 'child'. How old is he really?"
 
The girl giggled again. "You are hardly old enough yourself to be calling others children. Saerheim has been in these parts for as long as we can remember. He is at least old enough to have lived alongside the Gods a thousand years ago."
 
"At least a thousand years old... just who is the 'boy' here," said Khan drily. He felt a bit of a fool.
 
"I'm sure he doesn't blame you," said the girl.
 
"You know him well?"
 
"He is my teacher," she asserted.
 
"Can I go meet him?" he asked. "No, first, if you would be so willing, could you teach me how to properly greet someone in your culture and any other customs I must be made aware of?"
 
"I would be glad to... Could you also tell me about where you come from?"
 
"Ah yes, equivalent exchange, I see. Saerheim had also asked that I give him a ride in return for showing the way."
 
"Oh, I don't mean anything of that sort. I'm just curious. It is not often we get visitors from over the mountains," she said. "Ah, that reminds me. Welcome to Anteria."
 
It struck Khan that he had not even known what the natives called their land.[/spoiler]II: Coercing the Lone Wolf[hr][/spoiler]
[hr]
[spoiler=Book II: The Advent of Races]Hasn't been written yet :P
 
Basically I intend to feature the introduction of races such as elves, giants, dragons, and the like into the world that was once inhabited exclusively by humans and non-magical animals. The world is actually still quite young at this point.[/spoiler]
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[King K. Azo]

So... no offense, the idea of focusing on one character's entire life as the world changes and goes through turmoil... reminds me of Dragon Quest V. And that is not an insult, that is one of my most favorite games of all time.

[Altαir]

Beautiful. I am absolutely in love with your prose.

 

It's like a dessert of which I can't get enough. It's light, acutely sweet, simplistic, and overall pleasing to the eye. I felt content throughout the reading, allow me to give an example:

 

"She seemed quite amused at the foreigner's blunder before her expression turned apologetic."

 

There's something so sweet about the narration here, it tells you so much about this girl in such a lithe way, but reveals a solf, calming tone that really permeates throughout the whole piece.

 

I do have one small comment. This story has a great amount of thematic potential (this could blow up into a full-on discourse on humanity and mortality), and I think you should write keeping that in mind. It might give a stronger life to the story, or maybe give you a stronger will to continue.

 

 

[Aix]

Beautiful. I am absolutely in love with your prose.

 

It's like a dessert of which I can't get enough. It's light, acutely sweet, simplistic, and overall pleasing to the eye. I felt content throughout the reading, allow me to give an example:

 

"She seemed quite amused at the foreigner's blunder before her expression turned apologetic."

 

There's something so sweet about the narration here, it tells you so much about this girl in such a lithe way, but reveals a solf, calming tone that really permeates throughout the whole piece.

 

I do have one small comment. This story has a great amount of thematic potential (this could blow up into a full-on discourse on humanity and mortality), and I think you should write keeping that in mind. It might give a stronger life to the story, or maybe give you a stronger will to continue.

Thanks for commenting, it really means a lot as a writer to have their work visibly acknowledged, especially as I have no clue how I'm doing since it's very difficult for me to judge my own work.

 

Yup, I do intend to have philosophical themes, and they may become quite prominent later as Saerheim lives longer among the mortals. He'll be going through many different ways of life and his worldview will undergo constant change.

[DoctorMiracle]

I've only read the first 2 chapters in Book 1 but I gotta say, this is a amazing work of writing. You might have a talent for writing stories like these. I feel like this story is about to get interesting real soon.

[Aix]

I've only read the first 2 chapters in Book 1 but I gotta say, this is a amazing work of writing. You might have a talent for writing stories like these. I feel like this story is about to get interesting real soon.

Thanks, having readers tell me this gives me the motivation to write.

[Agro]

So I don't ever really put in the time to read anything on this site anymore, ever, but I did open this up for some reason and just so happened to look at a random sentence first, being this one:

 

"Khan rose a hand to stop his retainer's tirade."

 

Should be "raised".

 

That's all I got, I have a final to study for GOODNIGHT.