Street Battles: San Morano's Finest. [PG-13]

[Mutant Monster RAEG-HAPYP]

First some background. This fanfic is essentially a cop fic. Meaning, it focuses on police officers of a fictional American city. This is probably a strange place to post it but well, there wasn't really anywhere else I wanted to post it. Not even FF.net. Well, I couldn't post it on FF.net anyway. Now, I'm not the best writer so if you have any feedback on what I can improve on or feedback in general, it would be much appreciated.

 

[spoiler=Chapter 1: Welcome to San Morano]

 

Chapter 1: Welcome to San Morano.

 

The city of San Morano is a metropolis located in northern California. It's a popular tourist destination. However, this city has a dark side. Street racing is notorious among the city's residents. Street racing crews control various neighborhoods. Recently, tensions have been high, potentially turning into a gang war.

 

…

 

Located in the heart of downtown San Morano is Precinct One of the San Morano Police Department. The large, blue building houses the office of the police commissioner. It is the main headquarters of the department.

 

Inside the building, on the topmost floor, lies the office of the police commissioner. Inside the office is a desk with a chair behind it. Behind the chair are cabinets filled with files. Sitting in the chair behiind the desk is a man in his late thirties with neatly combed black hair and dark green eyes. The main wears a black suit with a black tie and black pants. This man is Calvin Ross, the city's police commissioner. A tough but fair man, Calvin Ross is known for being the son of James Ross, a previous police commissioner. Calvin is also one of the youngest commissioners in the history of the police department with officers working for him that are older than he is.

 

The commissioner is speaking with a man who is in his mid thirties. This man has blue eyes and is wearing a fedora, a brown dress shirt with a brown trench coat over it, and brown pants. This man is police detective Carlos Malatoni. Carlos Malatoni works for the department's Street Racing Unit. The officers in this unit do go out on regular patrol but they are a special unit designed to combat street racing. The vehicles they drive represent this. While the Dodge Charger is the standard vehicle for regular officers, the standard vehicles for SRU officers are the Subaru Impreza or the Mitsubishi Lancer Evolution. Other vehicles include Ford Mustangs, Chevy Camaros, even several Chevy Corvette ZR1s and Porsche 911 GT3s. All these vehicles were purchased due to donations of several wealthy residents.

 

Today, Commissioner Ross has called in Detective Malatoni to discuss a recent case.

 

“Detective, I hope you have some good news for me.” Commissioner Ross says to Detective Malatoni.

 

“Unfortunately, no. We haven't found Harold Smith yet. Neither has the Vice Squad.” Detective Malatoni replies.

 

“Remember, this guy is not just a street racer from the back roads of California. He's wanted for multiple crimes including assault on a police officer. I want him off the streets as soon as possible.” Commissioner Ross sternly says.

 

“There's already an all-points bulletin out on him. Only a matter of time before we catch the scumbag.” Detective Malatoni says.

 

“I hope so, Detective. I hope so.” Commissioner Ross says. “There's another thing that worries me. These street racers are seemingly becoming even more brazen if that is even possible.”

 

“The officers in my unit have noticed that as well. We're on alert.” Detective Malatoni replies.

 

“I'll have Captain Lucana keep me informed on the situation. Thank you.” Commissioner Ross replies.

 

….

 

A Subaru Impreza police car is being driven down a busy street in downtown San Morano, not far from the location of Precient One. Driving the vehicle is a male in his late twenties with black hair and blue eyes. He wears a police uniform. Sitting in the front passengers seat is a female in her late twenties with short, black hair and brown eyes. She also wears a police uniform. The male is Ryan Stanson. The female is Kitsura Yukita. Both have been on the force for a few years and are currently a part of the SRU. Ryan is the son of the current SWAT Team leader while Kitsura, a Japanese-American, is the daughter of a well-known auto repair shop owner in San Morano. Kitsura is also the newest member of the SRU.

 

“They say the quarterback of Northfield High School's football team is under investigation for street racing. Word has it that he's trying to join the Mayhem Knights.” Kitsura tells Ryan. The Mayhem Knights are one of the most notorious street racing gangs in San Morano.

 

“That's the same gang Arnold Smith is in. The guy who assaulted one of our own. He's wanted for multiple crimes.” Ryan says. “I hope we catch him soon. And whoever that kid is, he doesn't know what he's getting into. I'd love to bust him for street racing to teach him a lesson.”

 

Suddenly, at a intersection, a blue Toyota Supra runs a red light. Ryan immediately turns on the lights and sirens of the squad car and pulls in behind the Supra. In the Supra, a young adult male with brown hair and green eyes sits in the driver's seat. He is in his late teens and he wears a black shirt and blue jeans. In the front passenger seat, an older male with blond hair and dark blue eyes sits. He is in his early 30s and he wears a black sleeveless shirt and black pants.

 

“Idiot!” The older male scolds the teen. “Drive this thing as fast as possible!”

 

“Alright, calm down Arnold!” The teen shouts back.

 

“Shut up and drive! I'm not going back!”

 

Instead of pulling over, the teen continues to drive at a much faster rate. Ryan steps on the gas pedal and the chase is on.

 

Kitsura picks up the radio in the car. “We're in purusit of a Toyota Supra. Heading westbound on Santoro Road. Requesting backup, over,”

 

“10-4. I'm in the vicinity. I'm on my way.” An officer from another end responds.

 

The Supra swerves through the busy traffic, narrowly avoiding other vehicles. Ryan and Kitsura and right on the Supra's trail with their Impreza. Other vehicles move of the way as the Impreza zooms by.

 

“Crap, they're gaining on us!” Arnold shouts. “Drive faster!”

 

“I'm trying!” The teen shouts back as he steps down on the gas peddle. The teen tries to turn onto another street but loses control of the car and crashes into a traffic light pole.

 

“You moron....” Arnold says in a low tone.

 

Ryan pulls the Impreza behind the crashed Supra. However, before either of them can get out, Arnold gets out of the car and begins running. Ryan and Kitsura get out of the Impreza and Ryan runs after Arnold while Kitsura deals with the teen. Before she can get to the driver's side of the car, the teen steps out of the car, clearly shaken, with his hands in the hair. “I give! I give!” The teens shouts.

 

“Turn around!” Kitsura shouts.

 

The teen turns around and Kitsura approaches him. Kitsura proceeds to handcuff the teen. Kitsura then turns the teen around. Kitsura immediately recognizes the teen.

 

“Harold, what do you think you're doing?” Kitsura angrily asks. Harold is the quarterback of Northfield High School's football team. He's no stranger to Kitsura as she has dealt with him prior to joining SRU.

 

“I'm sorry! He told me too!” The teen says, clearly scared.”

 

“Who did?” Kitsura asks.

 

“The guy that ran! Arnold Smith!” Harold says.

 

“Why were you with him? Were you trying to join the Mayhem Knights?” Kitsura asks.

 

Harold goes silent. After a few seconds, he responds. “Yes.”

 

“You don't want to get involved with these guys. They're dangerous. It's not too late to turn your life around.”

Harold looks down. “What's going to happen now?”

 

“We'll see.” Kitsura responds.

 

…

 

“Crap, I lost him.” Ryan says as he continues to run down the street, having lost sight of Arnold. “Dispatch, I lost the suspect. Suspect is wearing a black sleeveless shirt and black pants.”

 

“10-4.” The dispatcher says from the other end of the radio.

 

“This is just great.” Ryan remarks. “Nothing I can do about it,, though.” Ryan turns around and walks back to where his partner is.

 

...

 

In another part of the city lies a large Japanese restaurant name Fine Japan. It's a popular place among both locals and tourists. Today, the restaurant is quiet with very few patrons. Suddenly, a white Porsche Panamera sedan pulls up into the parking lot and two men get out of the car. The first man has black hair and brown eyes. He wears a dark blue suit and dark blue pants. He looks to be in his late thirties. The second man has black hair and green eyes. He wears a gray suit and gray pants. He looks to be in his early thirties. The two men enter the restaurant. A Japanese woman standing near the entrance is about to greet them when she suddenly recgonizes who they are. The woman's cheerful attitude turns into fear, and for a good reason; The man in the dark blue suit is Nezumi Kuratashi, one of the city's most notorious gangsters. The man in the gray suit is Nezumi's right hand man, Atashi Sato. Nezumi stares at the woman for a few seconds before speaking. “Go get the manager, now.”

 

The woman leaves her position to go into the back room to get the manager. A few moments go by before the manager shows up. The manager is a middle-aged man with brown hair and blue eyes. He wears a casual business like outfit. Nezumi sees the man and smiles.

 

“Mr. Horita. It's good to see you.” Nezumi says.

 

“What do you thugs want?” Mr. Horita says in a low but angry voice.

 

“You know why we are here.” Nezumi replies. “It's about your son.”

 

“What about my son?” Mr. Horita asks.

 

Nezumi lets out a soft chuckle. “Let's just say....the boy is over his head. He faced one of our street racers in a race. He lost. Now, he won't pay us.”

 

Mr. Horita becomes surprised at this. “What?! I don't believe you. My son knows better than to street race.”

 

“You heard me. Deal with your son like a father would. Or we will deal with him and you won't like what we we will do. I want my money, or else. That's all.” Nezumi and Atashi turn around and walk out of the restaurant, leaving the manager in a state of disbelief and fear.

 

...

 

Atashi gets into the driver's seat of the Panamera while Nezumi gets into the front passenger's seat. As the drive off, they talk.

 

“Do you think he will pay?” Atashi asks.

 

“He will. He knows our reputation. It's in his best interest to pay.” Nezumi replies.

“Remember, there are more important matters to deal with. Have you forgotten Ronald Dale?”

 

“Japanese have had a presence since the 1990s. Ronald Dale did not come to the United States until the early 2000s. We have been here longer.We have more connections. And we are more powerful. If Dale wants a fight, we'll give him a fight.”

“What are you trying to say?”

 

“Fasten your seatbelt, Atashi. It's going to be a wild ride. However, it will be our gang who is victorious.”

 

…

 

End of Chapter 1.

[/spoiler]

[LordCowCowCowCowCowCowCowCow]

A'ight so I'm not the best with advice and stuff but I'll put something at least.
First, some of the descriptions are a little basic seeming, it's not bad but it could be better.

Explaining the cars a bit more could be nice. Cause I, and others probably, don't really know much by just hearing the car name. Like I assume the street racing unit cars are special but not sure why.

 

Overall I'd say it seems fairly interesting. ^^ Little more varied descriptions (as you more or less were listing off just hair color, eye color, and clothing, for most of them) would help a ton though. And working on putting in descriptions more naturally as well.

I wish I could explain better and help more but them's my thoughts. Interesting start.

[Altαir]

A few comments:

 

I'm finding your writing style to be slightly robotic for this piece. Especially in this example below:

 

"The commissioner is speaking with a man who is in his mid thirties. This man has blue eyes and is wearing a fedora, a brown dress shirt with a brown trench coat over it, and brown pants. This man is police detective Carlos Malatoni. Carlos Malatoni works for the department's Street Racing Unit. The officers in this unit do go out on regular patrol but they are a special unit designed to combat street racing. The vehicles they drive represent this. While..."

 

Whereas I would've written:

 

"The commissioner is talking to Carlos Malatoni, a police detective wearing a brown dress shirt, a brown trench coat, and brown pants, which contrast his strikingly (was the contrast what you were going for here? if so, make explicit) blue eyes. Carlos works for the department's Street Racing Unit: the officers in this unit combat street racing, and therefore receive special cars. While..."

 

Perhaps the pace was intentional, to give the reader a sense of something monotone or systematic, however for me it really "edged" the piece and made it hard to swallow. 

 

Also, a very glaring instance of passive form:

 

A Subaru Impreza police car is being driven down a busy street in downtown San Morano, 

 

It doesn't look too pretty, in my opinion. If you really want to keep that initial sentence, change "is being driven" to "rolls" or something similar, asthetically it will read better.

 

In addition, try adding a bit more emotion in that last part, maybe a simple "Nezumi gives a crooked smile/chuckle," before that last sentence might help.

 

I absolutely love this line:

 

The Supra swerves through the busy traffic, narrowly avoiding other vehicles. Ryan and Kitsura and right on the Supra's trail with their Impreza. Other vehicles move of the way as the Impreza zooms by.

 

(though I think "and" and "of" should be "are" and "out of" respectively?) "swerves" "narrowly" "zooms" - these are good, colorful words that give extra meaning to the event, and help me see exactly what's happeneing.

 

I also agree with CowCow - I feel like I might be missing an important aspect of this story because I am ignorant of car lingo.

 

Thanks for the read, overall a solid piece.