LordCowCowCowCowCowCowCowCow Posted October 23, 2014 Report Share Posted October 23, 2014 Posting here, mainly because I don't want anyone who happens to reply to have to worry about General rules and crap. And to be frank, because it likely will get noticed more here and I'm at a point where I won't hide that I need that. But I still want this taken seriously, for reasons that will become painfully clear soon. Also, before anything else. I know that what I am going to talk about isn't exactly rare and in the grand scheme of things probably doesn't really matter. So I just had, basically, an emotional breakdown. This has been happening for..a long time now off and on but this one was particularly bad which prompted me to do this. And because I've struggled with suicidal thoughts quite often over the years, but more often lately. To sum it up, I hate who I am most of the time, and even when i don't, I don't feel good about myself. Frankly I'm pretty pathetic, I know I should be able to change the things that make me feel this way but I just can't. I do nothing, I have no job, no school, no prospects of any kind of future. There are very few people who I actually care about and who care about me. Even my family. Essentially my life is meaningless and it doesn't look like it will get any better. I've tried and tried to improve myself and my life but nothing I do works. Every day I find myself hating what my life is and wishing I had something else. I have almost nothing. Those few that I think care, even they I'm not too sure about. I have my writing but that's not going well, and while I try and delude myself I can't see it getting anywhere. I'm 21 years old and I basically f***ed up my life. That might sound extreme but it's how it is. You can call this sad and whiny, because it really is, but oh well I felt I had to post it. Maybe you think it's me looking for attention, maybe it is. As I said I'm pathetic, it's totally possible. But this is honestly, with no tricks or anything, how I feel most of the time. I don't even know if this makes sense or if it looks like a jumbled rambling mess, but again. Oh well. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shiki Posted October 23, 2014 Report Share Posted October 23, 2014 Everyone probably says "Things get better." and most people just take it as a lie made to make them feel better, but statistically, things do get better if you keep trying. It's like continually rolling dice until you get two sixes, it may not happen the first time, the second time or even the thirty-sixth time, but so long you keep giving yourself a chance, there will come a day when things get better. Maybe you already do this, but do write down your thoughts, your situation, everything, it does help you organize them and see them more clearly. Try looking at things from a different perspective, I sometimes try and think if I was a character in a novel, or if I was looking back in order to write a memoir, how would things have happened? What would have made things right? Writing is something powerful, beautiful. Lastly, if you think few people care about you, do remember that you have made friends here on YCM. We all may be separated by thousands of miles, but it doesn't change that we are still friends. Don't think that you don't matter. I do think you are a genuinely nice person, and I'm not the type of person to lie, not even to make someone feel better. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LordCowCowCowCowCowCowCowCow Posted October 23, 2014 Author Report Share Posted October 23, 2014 I must say that I did not expect this of all things, Shiki replying to this. Anyway. Taking this piece by piece. I do realize that things should get better if I keep trying, I know that. I just find it harder and harder to keep it up. Every time I feel actually good, and hopeful inevitably it will fade. Not even always because of something happening, it just...goes. And all my insecurities and such come rushing in, hitting me harder every time. That being said...I know I need to keep going... That's mostly why I wrote this. I posted it...I don't know why for sure, probably selfish reasons but basically it just felt like what I needed to do. I will try and not keep my thoughts just inside my head but it's rough. This wasn't easy to type, of course it wasn't easy to think either... ...Honestly yeah there are times I doubt that. Which I feel bad for, because the people here generally have been really good to me. It's so hard to think anyone cares, especially when I don't see why anyone would bother with me. I'm glad to know there are people who think well of me. Thank you...I won't lie and say everything's all better now, because I still feel basically as...broken. But even if a little bit, this helps. Plus I find it...weirdly fitting that you're the one saying this, took me off guard to say the least. Came back after a bit....I don't think I said it enough, thank you, so much. Like, this gave me the good kind of cry. As I said I still don't feel okay, really. But...I feel closer to it. I can't really express it well....Like...damn, I have the best wife.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
(GigaDrillBreaker) Posted October 23, 2014 Report Share Posted October 23, 2014 I probably don't show it, because I put up one hell of an act, but I, for the most part, am not a happy person. The way I see myself, I am rude, inconsiderate, vain, and just a liar. Oftentimes, I think that if I can tell the truth, fess up to my own insecurities, I will be a better person. I try, oh boy do I try, but I simply can't. Then you go out and do this. Just saying something about it is important. You have taken that first step, and the next one is realizing that, whether you value all of us here on the forum as true friends or not (I wouldnt be offended if you didn't), we are all here for you, and you are easily one of the nicest, most caring people around here. I know that you are a few years further down the road than me, but frankly, if an asshole such as myself can make it in life, you can. You are the one I would rather entrust this world's future to anyway. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LordCowCowCowCowCowCowCowCow Posted October 23, 2014 Author Report Share Posted October 23, 2014 Ah, and then Giga. Trust me I get the act thing, if I hadn't not slept very well I may not have been able to do this. And while it shouldn't surprise me, since all people have some issues, this does a bit. I am serious when i say I think you're a really good person. I don't think me posting this was anything all that special honestly....And I don't want to make it sound like I don't value you people, I do, you have been really good to me. I just...have a hard time with this stuff, and like I said, there's that part that thinks "Well why would they?" Which doesn't help. That was really sweet, actually. Thank you as well....Jeez. I honestly had no idea what I expected (I kinda thought no one would respond, or if they did they'd be...not so nice.). I really didn't expect this. I think I may be able to actually say, and sincerely mean, I love you guys.... I do however realize that it's not gonna be easy, I don't want to because you guys don't deserve it, but it will be hard for me not to think that it's not legit, and that I'm on my own. Because that's how it's been for me so why would it stop now? But I'll try. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JessicaMuddy Posted October 23, 2014 Report Share Posted October 23, 2014 Your post kinda moved me. I'm not having trouble in life (Except for homework but w/e) but this post make me stop and think. But, as these other guys said, it will get better. Ever heard the saying "No dog ever peed on a moving car"? Odd I know, but, (Bear with me now) that car is your life and dreams, and that pee is your hand reaching out towards the car. You've tried peeing on it several times, but to no avail. It just runs away from you. You just gotta wait for the car to stop. Your attitude on the forums don't even show the slightest bit of sadness, so I was very surprised by this. Just know that everyone on YCM (Or at least the ones who posted here) is fully supporting you! I feel these songs are relevant:https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=Sv6dMFF_ytshttps://m.youtube.com/watch?v=Ufd-WVY9EQE Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Azure Wolf Posted October 23, 2014 Report Share Posted October 23, 2014 I've been going through a rough patch a bit so I know roughly what your going through. At times I have felt like no-one cares about me and usually seem like I don't care about people myself. While deep down I know my family care about me, I'm not entirely sure if I care deeply about others. Though I myself am a very hard person to get down if a certain topic about is breached in a specific way I will break down. Shiki and Giga have already touched on most of the points, though the main advice I can give is to find a physical activate you enjoy and stick to it. I had a very bad depression stage from early December last year to the end of May and the main thing that help (besides anti-depressants) was starting kendo. Since then I've been feeling slightly better but will still have some bad stages. While I'm not a psychologist I think that most people will go through a stage like this sometime in their life. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JessicaMuddy Posted October 23, 2014 Report Share Posted October 23, 2014 Actually, this song is probably best: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=oKsxPW6i3pM Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
宇佐見 蓮子@C94 Posted October 23, 2014 Report Share Posted October 23, 2014 I swear the best thing people can do at this stage in life is form a relationship. You don't have to be lovers or anything, just... Someone you can rest your back on, someone you know you can turn to when you feel down. Even with no future prospect in life, people who has someone worth living are happier than those sitting on a pile of gold money. Shiki perhaps put it down better than I did, but I still want to say it anyway. Oh, another thing. Simply going through the motions telling yourself "Perhaps something good will happen one day", isn't going to save you. You have to break out of the loop and start doing things. Come to the good things you want, not wait for them to come to you. Think of this 15-year-old naive, idealistic girl's rambling what you like, but I hope that your life will soon get better. No, I'm positive it will get better. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LordCowCowCowCowCowCowCowCow Posted October 23, 2014 Author Report Share Posted October 23, 2014 Oh my gosh so much more than I expected. First, James. It's a bit weird hearing this stuff from someone I don't...know....at all really. But I do appreciate the thought. I hope you're not offended by the short response or anything, but I'd be lying if I tried to come up with more to say. Similar to what I felt about Ara's. I would also add that I do understand many people have similar issues. (I don't know why I thought I should single mine out to be honest.) And I might have to try and go out and do something. Toyo, another unexpected, though not as much. Then again I really didn't expect much at all but anyway. I do believe that to be true, which is why more than being successful I, basically, just want to be loved and be able to love. In whichever kind of love I can get. Though....It often feels I really don't trust in myself (And while I know this is wrong to think, trust in other people) enough to be able to form those relationships. I do know that I have to go do those things, like I said before the hard part is when doing that doesn't work so often. Thanks Toyo, thanks all of you. I'm saying thanks a lot. But I don't know what else to say.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Slinky Posted October 23, 2014 Report Share Posted October 23, 2014 I'm too lazy to fully read this. Apologies, but could you give a tl;dr? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tourmaline Posted October 23, 2014 Report Share Posted October 23, 2014 A lot of people have said that nihilism is my thing. Through years of my own issues, I also concluded that my life was meaningless and that I had no prospects or goals clearly in mind to have some sort of accomplishment in my life, and that did make me depressed then. I still am more often than I would like to be, but the amount of time I spend in my own mind on questions like this made me realize something. Prospects and doing well for society mean absolutely nothing in giving your life inherent meaning. Family, too, is zero in inherent happiness and meaning. You are living your own life and nobody else's or vice-versa, so even if life is meaningless itself, the significance you put in whatever part(s) of it are what give life a separated, independent meaning and potential happiness to you. In short, because your life itself means absolutely nothing, base the significance of your happiness on what makes your meaningless life worth living and not if your meaningless life makes happiness worth attaining. That's just a very brief description of how I feel about life. It works very well in tandem with being a radical leftist, too. Socially, at least. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pinkie_Pie Posted October 23, 2014 Report Share Posted October 23, 2014 *Gives OP a big hug* Feeling any better? Nothing works like a big Pinkie Pie hug :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LordCowCowCowCowCowCowCowCow Posted October 23, 2014 Author Report Share Posted October 23, 2014 Hmm...Thank you Hina, that's certainly a different way of looking at it. I suppose it could help to not worry so much about those kinds of things. I'm not sure I can manage to do it though, seeing as I don't have control over those thoughts really. It's another thing I can try though. And "Pinkie" Sorry but...don't. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Toffee. Posted October 23, 2014 Report Share Posted October 23, 2014 I also concluded that my life was meaningless-But you and Sakurai share the same goal of Ganon being the best character =D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shiki Posted October 23, 2014 Report Share Posted October 23, 2014 Change is a gradual process. Just try to think about the happy things, even just the little things that can make you smile or feel better. And... I wouldn't mind if you... thought about... me sometimes... *blush* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LordCowCowCowCowCowCowCowCow Posted October 23, 2014 Author Report Share Posted October 23, 2014 Yeah...I think, that's probably a good idea...Aww, Shiki, if I'm going to think of what makes me smile of COURSE I'll think of you. <3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Arawn Posted October 23, 2014 Report Share Posted October 23, 2014 My suggestion is to stay curious. In the face of death and despair there is no greater power in this world than curiosity. A wonder about the world around you and an unknown future with many unfathomable occurrences. But don't tell anyone that because then they won't fear me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LordCowCowCowCowCowCowCowCow Posted October 23, 2014 Author Report Share Posted October 23, 2014 Huh, you know, that actually does sound pretty nice. I have always been a curious person... And don't worry, your secret is safe with me. .... ..... ...... Say, Shiki, want to help me with my curiosity? (Yes, I know I'm the one who said keep it serious, but come on I had to....) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shiki Posted October 23, 2014 Report Share Posted October 23, 2014 What... W-What do you want me to do?! *agitated* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LordCowCowCowCowCowCowCowCow Posted October 23, 2014 Author Report Share Posted October 23, 2014 Hmm...I'm sure we can figure some new, fun things out, we've got quite a bit of time after all... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shiki Posted October 23, 2014 Report Share Posted October 23, 2014 If... it makes you happy then... I don't mind. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LordCowCowCowCowCowCowCowCow Posted October 23, 2014 Author Report Share Posted October 23, 2014 Don't worry, I'll make sure you're plenty happy as well. :) Also...Thank you Shiki. *hugs* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mugendramon Posted October 23, 2014 Report Share Posted October 23, 2014 I can relate, though I'm in high school so I technically still have something to do, I definitely have days where I think I do nothing but take up space and generally be shit to everyone. I don't tell myself I'm pathetic only because my classmates kindly do that anyway. For me at least, I found the key to happiness to be finding the right people to hang out with. People who are totally (or somewhat!) accepting or are actually open to people who are different. Just cling to any and everything that makes you happy, or less miserable, and make it your reason to keep going. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LordCowCowCowCowCowCowCowCow Posted October 23, 2014 Author Report Share Posted October 23, 2014 For some reason I constantly forget that Mugen is younger than me. Anyway, thanks (another thanks, I'm full of them apparently). I do try to do that, I really do. It's part of why I do stuff here more often now honestly. (And...um, well cause Shiki is here...). Because this place generally seems more friendly to me for whatever reason. It's tough though, finding and being sure who the right people are. I admit I still have my doubts even after all this time, but, I can try and hope. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.