a bad post Posted February 24, 2014 Report Share Posted February 24, 2014 This is a fanfiction based on a manga of the same name by Yoshiki Tonogai, and its one of my favorites so I decided why not write a fanfiction about since I'd been meaning to get into this section anyway. [spoiler='Chapter 0 - Judge START!!'] Haruka Ayane picked herself off the floor with a pounding headache, finding her whole world tinted red. She reached her hand up to check for any sign of bleeding, but found instead something furry blocking her way. “What the hell…?” Haruka turned to the side to find a hideously stitched up and rotting grey bunny mask on her head. “Oh. My. God!” For the first time Haruka fully took in all her surroundings, finding herself in a concrete room which stank of urine, and mold. The last thing she remembered was closing up her beauty shop and then… blackness. What had happened to her…? “Hello!? Hello…?” Haruka called out waiting a moment for an answer… nothing. The single wooden door in front her seemed to be the only exit from the room, picking herself up off the floor Haruka tentatively turned the nob and peeking around the corner. The hallway seemed deserted all except seven identical doors to her’s. The hairdresser’s heeled steps echoed softly on the concrete, any flooring having been pulled up long ago, and the wallpaper was slowly peeling off the wall, water eating at the fragile material. “What is this place,” the young woman thought. In her deep thought Haruka nearly missed the turn near the middle of the hallway. Back tracking two steps she turned down what was a rather short hallway, with another set of the rotting wooden doors. From behind the wooden double doors Haruka heard voices. Haruka hesitated listening to the voices a bit, from behind the doors they were muffled, but she could tell that it was more than just 2 people. Ready to kick ass and take names Haruka through the door open to find a courthouse-like room filled with 13 other people. The room was arranged with 14 seats in a rectangle, with a large statue of a blind-folded goddess with a sword in one hand, and a scale in the other. Behind the judge’s seat was a TV that was turned off at the moment. “Oh, so you were who was in that last room… not gonna lie thought you’d be a dude…” a young man with a horse mask said. “Excuse me!?” Haruka’s eye twitched under the bunny mask at what she perceived to be an insult. “What my uncouth young friend meant was that if you notice there are two of each type of masked person in this room,” a man in a fox mask stepped up gesturing around him. Now that Haruka noticed she could see they weren’t just wearing random animal masks there was a pattern. 2 Horses, 2 Bears, 2 Lions, 2 Cats, 2 Pigs, 2 Foxes, and 1 Rabbit plus herself made 2. “If you’ll notice,” the fox man began again, “each mask has 1 person of each gender, so since there is already a female rabbit, we assumed that you would be male.” Haruka was about to respond when the TV behind the judge’s seat flicked on, showing a disturbing looking plushie, that looked like a mix of stuffed animal limbs had been ripped off and stitched on to it, what it might have been before Haruka couldn’t tell. The repulsive thing sat in a plain wooden chair remain silent for a moment while all of the people in the “courtroom” stared at it. “Welcome sinners,” the voice came from the TV in a cold monotone, “you have all committed grave acts of sin, to be precise the 7 deadly sins. I, the Bastion of Justice, have decided to absolve you of your sins O Evil Ones.” The voice stopped momentarily as if deciding to let them all process what it had just said, “Now if you’ll turn to your left you’ll notice a large electronic board right about it should start counting down from 12 hours. That clock denotes how long you’ll have until you’ll have to decide on which sinner to cleanse, which can be done from the voting tables behind you. Who dies will be decided upon by majority vote. Once only 4 of you are left you will be free to go, forgiven in the eyes of God, for the rest you sinners you shall repent for all eternity in the fires of damnation. Now let the baptism begin.” With those final macabre words the TV switched off leaving all the sinners in shocked silence. Judge START! [spoiler='Chapter Listings'] Chapter 0 - Judge START!! Click on the spoiler above this one Chapter 1: First Judge: Scroll down to the sixth post you lazy butt[/spoiler] [spoiler='Character List'] This is going to have a lot of characters, so to help you keep track of them all I'll be placing new characters in the spoiler everytime they are revealed. Haruka Ayane:(2nd Female Rabbit) :(): The main character. She had been locking up her beauty shop when she suddenly blacked. She now finds herself locked in a courthouse, forced to play the death game- Judge- to be absolved of her sins.[/spoiler] So anyway I plan on updating every Friday (including this upcoming one), and I had originally decided that I'd to have this longer, but decided to cut the last part of this chapter and stick it on the front of chapter 1 since it would fit better there. So yeah this is not the chapter length you'll expect. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maeriberii Haan Posted February 24, 2014 Report Share Posted February 24, 2014 Oh my god, you read that manga too? Oh my, this will be quite interesting. Will edit this with an actual review when I'm finished reading Ch.0. EDIT: After reading it.. I'm not quite a fan for Haruka to be instaneously moved into the place without any prior things happening. It just felt somewhat...weird, in my opinion. You could have used one or two paragraphs to make Haruka more identifiable to the readers. This just kinda made her to be just a female name wearing a bunny head. Maybe in the manga this would work, but since this is not a visual media, the reader will need some description or something.y That aside, not much things to be commented here as not much has happened, though I believe one of Haruka's sentence shouldn't be ending with a comma instead of a question mark. Warmly waiting for Ch1. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
a bad post Posted February 26, 2014 Author Report Share Posted February 26, 2014 Oh my god, you read that manga too? Oh my, this will be quite interesting. Will edit this with an actual review when I'm finished reading Ch.0. EDIT: After reading it.. I'm not quite a fan for Haruka to be instaneously moved into the place without any prior things happening. It just felt somewhat...weird, in my opinion. You could have used one or two paragraphs to make Haruka more identifiable to the readers. This just kinda made her to be just a female name wearing a bunny head. Maybe in the manga this would work, but since this is not a visual media, the reader will need some description or something.y That aside, not much things to be commented here as not much has happened, though I believe one of Haruka's sentence shouldn't be ending with a comma instead of a question mark. Warmly waiting for Ch1. See I had originally intended to describe each character in detail, but decided that I would rather just tack it at the beginning of Ch. 1. This chapter was just intended to set up their surroundings, don't worry I'll have more description in chapter 1. Also did you read Doubt too, its the spiritual prequel to this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maeriberii Haan Posted February 26, 2014 Report Share Posted February 26, 2014 Yes, I did read Doubt too. That ending was quite surprising. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wildflame Posted February 27, 2014 Report Share Posted February 27, 2014 I'm kind of a fan of those 2 manga too (Dobut and Judge), will keep reading this if I remember to do it. Also pls no Judge spoilers, haven't found the latest scans anywhere Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
a bad post Posted March 1, 2014 Author Report Share Posted March 1, 2014 I promised an update on Friday and here's the update on Friday... almost 10 minutes from Saturday, but oh well. So here's chapter 1: [spoiler='First Judge'] “Well I suppose we should take off our masks, it will help us get to know one another for the next 12 hours,” the fox said, again taking charge. “Who named you leader you damn nuisance, what you really mean by get to know each other is figure out who to kill am I right!?” The horse screamed, except now it was the girl horse. The fox seemed shocked into silence by this. “I don’t care what his motives are, this mask is stifling,” the female pig sighed taking off her mask, to reveal long, pink hair that was styled in two ponytails hanging of the side of her head, “it was ruining my hair too.” She was pretty, and young too. She had a large chest, and wore a tight purple t-shirt with a big smiling sun on it, and loose purple pants with the same smiling sun. The slippers she wore made Haruka think she was probably kidnapped in her sleep. Behind her mask Haruka narrowed her eyes at the girl, jealous of the girl’s youthful beauty, then shook her head, surprised by the malicious thought. “Oh yeah… I suppose I should introduce myself, my name is Yuuki Minakato.” The girl smiled placing the pig mask tucked under her arm. “You best watch yourself b****! Next Judge you just bought yourself a one-way ticket to Hell!” The horse girl seemed infuriated by the fact that Yuuki had taken her mask off. “Now if you’ll excuse me I’d rather be alone. Especially not with you in the room,” the horse girl pointed to the fox man, who shrugged, before storming out the east door and slamming it. “Sorry I do not want to be on her bad side so I’m outtie,” the male horse snickered, and Haruka knew behind that mask he was smirking as half-jumped, half-walked off going through the same door as the horse girl. One by one others began to voice their agreement and left the room until only the male fox, the other rabbit, Yuuki, Haruka, and the female bear remained. With the absence of so many people Haruka suddenly felt extremely cold, and rubbed her bare arms the white tang-top and tight jeans she wore offering little warmth. “Well, like I said earlier I believe we should all get to know each other,” the male fox repeated, this time taking off his own mask. He was an older man with a receding grey-brown hair line, and wore and all black business suit. “I am Gin Katako… and ironically my profession is that of a… judge.” “I see,” Haruka said finally removing her mask letting her long pale purple hair free, one side of it tied in a braid with a blue gradient at the bottom. “My name is Haruka Ayane, and I’m a hairdresser.” Shivers travelled up Haruka’s skin at the thought of giving even such simple information to the people who may very well kill her. The bear girl went next, pulling off the stitched up mask, revealing she had long electric blue hair that reached her hips, with eyes of the same color. “My name is Keiko Hibiki,” the girl had a soft voice, but it wasn’t shy either, it was simply lazy and monotone as if she couldn’t be bothered to put any emotion into her voice, “as you can see by my school uniform, I am a student.” Keiko bowed slightly, setting her mask down on the floor. The other rabbit girl was the only one yet to go, she seemed in no hurry to share anything, silently picking at the space in front her. From what she could see this last girl wore a brown sweater vest, over a loose white colored shirt, a pink bow tying the collar together. Wondering what she could be doing Haruka walked across to the other rabbit, looking behind her. The sight sent shivers up her spine. In two neat rows of seven lay her face, Yuuki’s face, Keiko’s face, and Gin’s face, all with a small rectangular buttons underneath. The other 10 photos she assumed were the faces of the other “players”. Though she had expected there would be a way for them to vote for the “victim”, finally seeing what it was gave her a sickening feeling. Noticing her reaction the other rushed over from either side to join them, with similar reactions. “It’s our voting system,” in her surprise Haruka hadn’t noticed the rabbit girl take her mask off. From this perspective Haruka could see that she wore a grey plaid dress, but was also surprised by how young she looked. The girl was slender and short, and her saucer-like blue eyes, thick white hair that framed her face, and flat-chest made her look like she could be little over 12. “Yo- Yoruno Miki, and despite my looks I’m a 2nd year highschooler,” the girl spoke again, but it was difficult to hear her, as she had a soft voice, but unlike Keiko it was shy as if the girl wished she could just melt into the seat. “I see,” Gin sighed clasping his hands together in front of him, “so I believe that we should get on to figuring out who to… who to…” Gin choked on the words, and Haruka could empathize. Never once in her life would she have expected to have to choose someone, someone she hardly knew, to be sacrificed for her own well-being. The thought made her sick and made her not want to vote at all, but at the same time her survival instinct kicked in. “I hate to say this, but I think we should vote for that horse girl,” Yuuki spoke up in the silence, “It’s not just a personal grudge either, with that attitude of hers she’s a danger to everyone, and if push comes to shove I think some of the others will be easier to reason with.” “I must say I agree with you, the girl was particularly uncouth, speaking of harming others she most likely planning both mine and your downfalls Minakato-san, so then we are all in agreement-” “So you’re deciding on who to vote for then eh…?” the group of 5 jerked their heads towards the voice to find a young man with black hair that flowed around his eyes, and down the back of his neck. His brown eyebrows told everyone that wasn’t natural hair color loud and clear, but the dazzling smile he wore distracted everyone from that anyway. The boy wore a black sweater, over black jeans giving him, despite his smile, a very dreary feel. “You are…?” Gin’s voice lowered, and his eyes narrowed. Needless to say all of them were quite suspiscious of the young man who had strode into the room, more so since he had emerged from the same door that the horse girl had gone down. “Keiske Hijiri, gentleman and scholar, oh and I’m also a student class president. Anyway pleasure to make your acquaintance.” Keiske wore a friendly smile, and despite his friendliness they were still reluctant to trust him, “I was the male bear in case you were wondering. I despised that awful mask, I mean smelled of death, and it was awfully ugly but I dared not take my mask off in front of that girl, it seems though that you my friend,” Keiske pointed at Yuuki, “have a target on your head right now.” “What the hell! All I did was take my mask off!” Yuuki seemed dumbstruck, she already knew that the horse girl had been out for her, but hearing it seemed to put her into a worse mood, “I mean what’s that b****’s deal-” “I get it,” came the small voice of Yoruno, “it’s much easier to kill someone when you don’t have to look into their eyes. It’s like killing an animal, you don’t have to feel regret over killing it, because it’s not human. Th-that girl, she was trying to make it easier for herself to kill us… t-to rationalize her actions and de-humanize us!” This seemed to break Yoruno causing her to burst into tears, but was pulled into a quick embrace by Yuuki. Haruka let out a shaky breath, disturbed by the horse’s ability to so easily slip into her killer instincts. This seemed to disturb even the Keiske whose constant smile slipped to reveal horror. “My God, we have to kill her,” Keiske’s voice cracked, it seemed that he was beginning to lose his calm, “I’m sure she’s the one who you guys were already gunning for anyway right?” “Why,” Keiko suddenly spoke up after being silent for so long, “why are you all so disturbed by this? This is a killing game correct, and she was just trying to rationalize what we ourselves are thinking about doing to her! What’s the difference really?” Keiko, although she had kept her same lazy tone, seemed extremely upset for some reason, perhaps the gravity of the situation had gotten to her. “The reason,” Yoruno sniffled, taking her face out of Yuuki’s arms, “the r-reason she’s d-d-different is… is because she’s trying make it okay to kill us off by doing what sh-she’s doing. We are admitting, although trying to avoid the subject, that what we are doing is in essence murder.” “I see… so then we’re all in agreement?” Keiko asked looking around the room, and all of them nodded, “alright in that case, I’ll cast my vote for the horse girl. So… what do we do now, there’s still 10 hours before the Judge?” “I guess we wait,” Gin said, and all of them fell quiet lost in their own thoughts. In the last 7 hours Keiske had shown them the face of the horse girl, and courthouse group had explored every inch of the room. Unfortunately there search had turned up little, revealing… nothing except for the fact that the only other door, besides the two that lead, to the rooms, was locked. Haruka had also found something interesting herself; the fact that the plates containing their photos could be switched, but she wasn’t sure whether it would affect the voting or not, so she switched her photo with that of the bear girl. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ 3 hours before the Judge the group from the west door entered. Though it was quite the understatement to say group as there was only two of them, a boy and a girl. The girl a slender face, and regal looking features, her silver, white hair done up into a ponytail with a tiara like band, and piercing ice blue eyes. She a sleek black body suit, and tight combat boot that went up to her mid-thigh. The boy hazel colored eyes, and honey brown hair that was combed in a swoop to the side of his head. All he wore was an extremely tight blue singlet, which made it hard for Haruka to look directly at him, so she choose to stare at the wall directly behind him. “I take it that at 5 of you were the residents of our side of the courthouse,” the girl said scanning over them. “Yes,” Gin replied, he pointed Haruka, Yuuki, Keiko, and Yoruno, “we are from your side of the courthouse, this young man,” indicating Keiske, “was from the horse woman’s side of courthouse. He has realized what great a danger she is, and has agreed to vote with us against her, but where are my manners my name is Gin Katako. Please sit, I know this is quite a hard decision to make, but would you consider voting with us.” “I cannot,” the girl said as she and the boy took a seat, “both I and Kazuya have decided that we will vote for ourselves even if it means our lives, and although that girl was a bit uncouth I don’t think she poses any threat to you.” “Did you hear her, she said she was going to murder me during this next Judge,” Yuuki pointed to the clock which now read only 2 hours and 3 minutes. “What do you mean no-” The girl cut Yuuki off with a wave of her hand. “Yes, but look at your numbers, 6 correct? At this point, with addition of him you have more than enough to vote for her, as I don’t think that girl has the persuasive ability to gather enough votes to get it to swing her way,” the girl had a calm demeanor about her, as death games were a thing she played every day. “Besides at worst you will at least meet her in a tie, assuming she doesn’t try to spread her votes out if she can rally them all. Right, but I’m being rude I believe I have neglected to introduce myself. My name is Miyoko Hazama, and I’m a third-year in highschool.” “My name is Kazuya Mizuhashi, and I’m also a third year in high school,” Kazuya said offering an easy smile despite the situation, “and as you can see I’m a wrestler, though I apologize for my… ah lack of clothing.” “Oh, no don’t apologize,” Yuuki said with a devious look, “it looks quite dashing on you heehee. So you any good?” “Heh, well I’ve never lost a match, so I think my track record speaks for itself,” Kazuya wore a confident smile, lifting up an eyebrow at Yuuki. “Oh well maybe you could show some of your moves-” “Okay! Conversation, we gotta keep this sh*t PG-16!” Haruka and Gin both shot up at the same time giving both kids a disapproving stare, while Yoruno covered her face with her hands and Keiske grabbed at his collar. Miyoko seemed none too pleased were the conversation had been headed either giving Kazuya a deadly glare, while Keiko seemed to remain in apathy by the whole situation. “Ahem,” Miyoko cleared her throat, “I don’t believe, besides Katako-san, that any of you have introduced yourselves.” “Oh, right. I’m Haruka. Haruka Ayane.” “Yuuki Minakato.” “Keiko Hibiki.” “Yoruno Miki.” “Keiske Hijiri.” “I see,” Miyoko sighed laying her head on to of interlaced fingers, “well I guess we wait.” And they sat in silence only Kazuya and Yuuki making goo-goo eyes at each other. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ The final group of seven arrived an hour before the voting had to commence. In the empty chairs they took their seats, and Haruka, with her attention to detail observed each one. The first was a woman with black hair that hung low, almost covering part of her right eye, that was put up in a bun, assorted gaudy baubles lining her hair, and equally gaudy rings on her fingers. She wore a ocean blue kimono, and carried a fan of the same color, which complemented her olive complexion. This woman had walked in with a young man in his early twenties not much older than her with close cropped brown hair, and sad eyes of the same color. He wore a bland beige colored sweater and jeans, which caused Haruka to brush him off as unimportant. Next was a girl who look like she was wearing ready to go to a country club. She had long red hair, and wore a wide brimmed white hat with a yellow flower on her head, how had she managed to get a hold of that… she couldn’t have been wearing it under her mask could she have? This girl also wore a pastel pink dress and white sandals. The boy behind her had equally subtle fashion flair; his black hair was styled in an unkempt way hanging just above his blue eyes, which seemed extremely clear under his square glasses. The boy wore a teal hat that hung halfway off the back of his head, and black scarf over a white ¾ shirt, jeans and black sneakers. Finally the girl they had planned to kill walked in. The dangerous girl’s black hair was put into two messy pigtails that came down to her waist. She wore a silver cross over a gothic Lolita style dress that came to just above her knees, and long gray striped socks which came up to just below her knee, and combat boots. Immdiately she cast an angry glare at Keiske, made a cutting noise dragging her thumb across her neck. Then last came the boy who had made fun of her, she recognized him by his clothes. He had mess brown hair, and mischievous red eyes, and a constant arrogant smile on his face. He wore a red and grey long-sleeved shirt under a ripped black t-shirt with a large white cross on it. His jeans were also black, as well as his high-tops. “So… let’s not delay this any longer…” once everybody was seated the angry horse girl was the first to speak, but now even though she still had that malicious look in her eyes, her tone sounded completely defeated, “ I think everybody knows who they’re voting for so if there are no objections let’s get on with it.” The girl cast her gaze around the courtroom, getting solemn nods from everybody, “Alright then let’s cast our votes.” Haruka looked down at the picture of the horse girl’s face, and then back up at her, and saw the girl press down her choice. A large lump formed in Haruka’s throat, and now faced with having to kill someone she felt terrified. All nerve gone the hairdresser wondered if she could do this. It only took 1 look at Yuuki to find her answer. If she didn’t vote the young girl would die, and she couldn’t have that. Haruka again, before she could talk herself out of it, pressed down the button under her face were the horse’s face had been originally. Clicks were heard around the courtroom as each person pressed their choice, and within seconds the clicks were finished. Moments later a ding went off, and the clocked blinked once… twice… three times before turning off. The television on the Judge’s seat turned on and held a black screen for a few seconds. In those seconds Haruka saw her life flash before her eyes, and wondered whether or not she’d lived it to the fullest. With her heart beating at a mile a minute Haruka thought she might just keel over then and there, and nearly jumped three feet in the air when she heard the click of the TV coming on. The results were then presented as follows: Lion (F): 1 Lion (M): 1 Rabbit (F): 0 Rabbit (F): 0 Cat (F): 0 Cat (M): 0 Bear (F): 0 Bear (M) 0 Pig(F): 7 Pig (M): 0 Fox (F): 0 Fox (M): 0 Horse (F): 5 Horse (M): 0 Haruka stared at the TV… incredulous at the results… even if her experiment had failed a vote should’ve been cast for her, and Yuuki still should have had only 6 votes unless. “Congratulations Satoko,” Keiske clapped, “your plan worked like a charm.” “Keiske you betrayed us!?” Yuuki’s eyes were brimming with tears, and she could see the girl was gripping the table hard, “w-why!? We trusted you!” “Ha you were dead from the start b****!” Keiske spat all semblance of niceness gone, and room erupted into chaos. Shouts came from everywhere, accusations a fingers pointed, the hipster boy grabbed the side of his forehead and broke down. Haruka didn’t pay any mind to it though she saw Yuuki tear for the west door running away, most likely attempting to avoid her fate. Knowing the girl wouldn’t want to be alone at a time like this she ran after her, and noticed she followed quite closely by Kazuya and Yoruno. They found her sobbing within her room near the end of the hallway, or rather heard her as the door was locked. “Please Yuuki-chan,” Yoruno called out, “open up… maybe we can help you.” The small girl banged against the door, and pushed the handle up and down futilely. The sobbing soon abated into sniffles, and finally the room fell silent. “Okay,” came Yuuki’s weak response, “but promise me you won’t take me back to the courtroom, okay.” “I promise honey,” Haruka said, “we’ll stay right here, and make sure nobody comes to hurt you.” “Alright,” the door handle turned… and then caught… from the inside it jiggled and then desperately slammed, “oh God! Its locked from both sides!” The girl became frantic her voice high-pitched from panic on the other side of the door, and then there was a hiss sound. Within moments a raspy cough came from the other side of the door, “I-I can’t breathe, the air its poisoned.” More choking came, and Haruka heard the sounds of vomit.” “Hold on Yuuki-chan we’ll get you out in a sec!” Haruka’s mind enter panic mood searching for something anything to jimmy the door open. “N-no… wait,” Yuuki’s voice although still had the choking came calmer, “I have just a few last thing I want to say.” “No! Yuuki don’t you start thinking like that,” Kazuya yelled and slammed his shoulder into the door. “Stop… guys,” Yuuki’s voice was becoming weaker, and Haruka heard the girl vomit again, “Kazuya please… please find yourself a nice girl… someone who will treat you right. Oh- a-and be sure I would approve of her.” There was now a lightness to Yuuki’s voice even though it barely audible. “Alright…” was the only thing Kazuya could manage as he sunk to the floor, defeated. “Good. Now- Haruka-san… promise something…” “Anything.” “T-take care… care of… Yoruno-chan.” “Of course, you can count on me!” “Good, now guys…. Good night,” Yuuki breathed her last words barely audible, and Haruka could’ve sworn she heard a small giggle echo from behind the door. After a few seconds the door opened, and Yuuki’s body dropped out, and serene look on her face, despite her violent death. Blackness rose within Haruka. A desire to kill. To kill Keiske for betraying Yuuki’s hopes. To kill Satoko for convincing all of those people to vote for Yuuki. And most of all to kill the bastard who orchestrated this thing! [/spoiler](3,686 Words) Sorry if the formatting it kind of off in some places I tried pasting from a word doc, and for some reason I can't fix a few areas. Anyways hope you enjoy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
a bad post Posted March 2, 2014 Author Report Share Posted March 2, 2014 BUMP Come on guys give me some reveiws T.T Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bahamut - Envoy of the End Posted March 4, 2014 Report Share Posted March 4, 2014 BUMP Come on guys give me some reveiws T.T Welcome to Creative Writing. <_< And on that note. I come into this with no knowledge of the manga, it's characters, etc Wo-ho-hoo, read the prologue and what a brilliant twisted concept! This is a really cool idea (even if it is taken from another story). The opening few paragraphs were kind of... lacking. Unlike Kirisame I'm happy with getting straight into the action without much pre-amble regarding her background before her kidnapping, but it could have done with a bit more of her thought process or description to build her up. And... er, she looked at the side of her head? Er... mirror might have served better for that, rather than this girl seemingly having a detachable head she can examine. But that's all that was needed because her waking up just kinda went in a blink. From the courtroom on, I think you assumed too much about the readers knowledge of what courtrooms look like, as I found things confusing in places regarding where things were placed, for example there was no actual mention of a table until near the end of chapter one. I gathered enough info to determine central courtroom, two flanking wings with seven cells in each wing, and I appreciate there is little in the room, but stuff could have been clearer. Similar could be said about the voting devices. I found these very confusing and not described properly. So there's 14 buttons at each seat of the table on a plate, or, sorry I can't picture it or where it's placed or what. I love anything to do with the seven deadly sins. So anyway the pipebomb is dropped, and I go straight to chapter 1. ... ... too many characters introduced in one go. Simply put. Got in a hopeless muddle almost instantly with names, descriptions and respective masks and was having to go back and forth constantly to remind myself who was who. Especially when the 2nd group returned near the end. Really some people should have kept their masks on and gone unnamed and undescribed for now and introduced steadily throughout when they gained relevance, should have less names here. Certainly bear girl and the other rabbit didn't need the intros here, even if Yuuri just said 'look after the little rabbit' at the end or something. Speaking of, the voting system, do they have their real faces on the pics or their masks (see what I mean?) Don't get the girls experiment with the swapping of plates and expecting to get a vote at all. Also, I don't think for something that should be a tense, gripping, horror/thriller.... there wasn't enough tense, gripping, horror/thriller writing atmosphere built up. I'm glad the chapter ended on the point it did as an immediate execution was needed, but I'm hoping it won't be 12 hours/judge/death every chapter. However good things, I like the characters like fox guy (this is just easier alright) and the horses. The end was, well horse girl was never gonna get killed and something like that was gonna happen, but it still hit hard and was a well done twist and everything. The... death, or the body, could have been a bit more horrific than poison gas. I hope for some nastier (and sin relevant aka Seven) ends for people. But overall I've already developed some anomisity for that horse pair and the mad puppeteer orchestrating this thing, and sympathy for Haruka and the young rabbit. So I'm getting involved with these characters. Just don't... try to make me be invested in all of them at once. I enjoyed this, and although there are gaps in your skill set in terms of writing ability/knowledge and things to work on as you go, who cares really? Because you've got a really good story going here and that's the important thing. You have a new reader in tow and excitedly looking forward to Chapter 2. Repped :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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