Blake Posted February 4, 2014 Report Share Posted February 4, 2014 Yu-Gi-Oh! Noblesse Oblige Recently, I've just felt the desire to write. I had an epiphany not too long ago that just filled me with the motivation I needed to finally sit down and write something. So, with some help from my friend and editory Creator, I've managed to finally push myself forward. This fic is rated PG-13, mostly as a precaution, so please consider that before you begin. I've posted decklists based on decks as they're revealed, as a convenience to the readers as well as to help myself keep track of what I've done. Chapter Listing: Chapter 1: Of Lightning and Ice - Post #1 Chapter 2: ... and a Cherry on Top! - Post #12 Chapter 3: Maiden of the Heavens - Post #18 [spoiler=Decklists] [spoiler=Blake Macha: Thunder Family - Last Updated: Chapter 2]Ace: Grandpahunder Main Deck Shown: 18/40 Extra Deck Shown: 3/15 Monsters:3 Mahunder3 Pahunder 2 Brohunder2 Thunder Sea Horse1 Sishunder1 Thunder Knight1 Vylon Prism Spells:1 Light of Redemption1 Recycling Batteries Traps:1 Half Unbreak1 Security Orb1 Xyz Block Extra Deck:1 Stardust Spark Dragon1 Bujintei Tsukuyomi 1 Grandpahunder Custom Cards:BrohunderLIGHT Lv. 4 Thunder/Effect When this card is Normal summoned: You can banish 1 Thunder-Type monster from your Graveyard; Draw 1 card. You can only activate the effect of "Brohunder" once per turn.900/300Thunder KnightLIGHT Lv. 4 Thunder/Effect This card gains 400 ATK for each Thunder-Type monster you control. If this card is destroyed and sent to the Graveyard: You can add 1 Thunder-Type monster from your deck to your hand with 1000 or less DEF.1300/1200 Grandpahunder LIGHT R4 Thunder/Xyz/Effect 2 Level 4 LIGHT Monsters If this card is Xyz Summoned, you can attach 1 Thunder-Type monster or Xyz Monster in your Graveyard to this card as an Xyz Material. You can detach 1 Xyz Material from this card: Normal Summon 1 Lv. 4 LIGHT Thunder-Type monster from your hand. You can only activate this effect of "Grandpahunder" once per turn.1500/0 [/spoiler] [spoiler=Cadence "Catie" Wright: Harpie Ladies - Last Updated: Chapter 3] Ace(s): Lightning Chidori Main Deck Shown: 7/40 Extra Deck Shown: 1/15 Monsters: 1 Harpie Lady 1 1 Harpie Lady 2 1 Harpie Queen Spells: 1 Elegant Egotist 1 Harpie's Hunting Grounds Traps: 1 Hysteric Party 1 Memory of an Adversary Extra Deck: 1 Lightning Chidori [/spoiler] [spoiler=Declan Laveli: Gusto - Last Updated: Chapter 3] Ace(s): Daigusto Sphreez Main Deck Shown: 8/40 Extra Deck Shown: 2/15 Monsters: 1 Gusto Gulldo 1 Musto, Oracle of Gusto 1 Pirika, Linege of Gusto 1 Winda, Priestess of Gusto Spells: 1 Emergency Teleport Traps: 1 Bye Bye Damage 1 Damage Diet 1 Dust Storm of Gusto Extra Deck: 1 Daigusto Eguls 1 Daigusto Sphreez [/spoiler] [spoiler=Elliot Maaka: Madolche - Last Updated: Chapter 3] Ace(s): Madolche Queen Tiaramisu Main Deck Shown: 8/40 Extra Deck Shown: 1/15 Monsters: 1 Madolche Angelly 1 Madolche Butlerusk 1 Madolche Magileine 1 Madolche Puddingcess Spells: 1 Double Summon 1 Madolche Box 1 Madolche Chateau Traps: 1 Madolche Nights Extra Deck: 1 Madolche Queen Tiaramisu Custom Cards: Madolche Box Quickplay Spell Target 1 "Madolche" card in your Graveyard; Return it to your deck, and if you do, draw 1 card. You must control a face-up "Madolche" monster to activate and resolve this effect. [/spoiler] [spoiler=Frederick "Fred" Damiano: Naturia - Last Updated: Chapter 3] Ace(s): ??? Main Deck Shown: 5/40 Extra Deck Shown: 1/15 Monsters: 1 Naturia Cliff 1 Naturia Pumpkin 1 Naturia Tulip Traps: 1 Exterio's Fang Extra Deck: 1 Naturia Barkion [/spoiler] [spoiler=Leona Armando: Ice Barrier - Last Updated: Chapter 2]Ace: Trishula, Dragon of the Ice Barrier Main Deck Shown: 15/40 Extra Deck Shown: 3/15 Monsters:1 Blizzed, Defender of the Ice Barrier1 Cryomancer of the Ice Barrier1 Dai-Sojo of the Ice Barrier1 Geomancer of the Ice Barrier1 Ice Knight1 Pilgrim of the Ice Barrier1 Secret Guards of the Ice Barrier Spells:2 De-Synchro 1 Magic Planter1 Pot of Dichotomy1 Salvage 1 Upstart Goblin Traps:1 Call of the Haunted1 Safe Zone Extra Deck:1 Brionac, Dragon of the Ice Barrier1 Gungnir, Dragon of the Ice Barrier1 Trishula, Dragon of the Ice Barrier Custom Cards:Ice KnightWATER Lv. 4 Aqua/Effect This card gains 400 ATK for each Aqua-Type monster you control. If this card is destroyed and sent to the Graveyard: You can add 1 Aqua-Type monster from your deck to your hand with 1000 or less DEF.1300/1200[/spoiler][/spoiler] Custom cards will be added to the bottom of the decklists. This is not to say the full effect is guaranteed to be shown all at once, but that it will show what's been done with a card thus far in the story. Constructive criticism is appreciated, and please feel free to just leave comments or ask questions. And with that I've nothing left to say, so please enjoy the fic. [spoiler=Chapter 1: Of Lightning and Icing] "Damn you, Blake Macha! I will never let your plan succeed! I'll stop you even if it takes my last breath to-" Before they could finish, a powerful shockwave struck the field, covering it in electricity. As every card on their field was blown away by the sheer force of the dragon that Blake controlled, the duelist trembled. There was nothing that they could do. Their hand had nothing left to save their 1000 life points. It was simply... The end. "You say you'll never let my plan succeed? Well, it seems to be a bit late for that. Now, Thunder Spark, attack! Bolt Stream of Destruction!" The blue serpent raised its head and charged as the duelist stared in horror before the powerful blast overtook them. "Dammit... I failed... I couldn't..." ------- "You there, Blake? Ms. Maddie has to leave early today, so we probably should, too." Blake snapped out of his daydream to see the vermilion-haired girl looking at him with wide emerald eyes from next to his desk. She stood at about 5'3", with a slim figure and slightly above average bust size. Her red hair fell just below her shoulders and stood out against her light skin. She dressed conservatively, red shirt with sleeves going almost to her elbows and pants to her ankles, though nothing so loose as to be unflattering. "Uh, yeah, let's get going. Just let me grab my things and... There, let's get out of here." The dark blue-haired teen stood up, pulled his white coat on, and threw his bag over his shoulder before following Catie out of the classroom. He was considerably taller than his companion, standing at 5'10", with a slightly darker complexion than the fair girl. His somewhat messy hair went down to just above his nose, almost framing his sapphire eyes, where the hair was swept away. His coat went about halfway down his calves, zipped only to cover his torso. The tail flapped as he walked towards their homes and talked with Catie, in the wind. "Anyways, Catie," Blake cut in as they walked, "Shouldn't we try and find some members to make a club soon? Ms. Maddie can only cover for us so much, and if the school found out we were staying after like this..." Catie sighed, but nodded. "We should, but what would we even have a club for? Making a club for Duel Monsters is like making a club for watching television, and other than just hang out that's what we usually do. Everyone does it, so it's probably too widespread a club topic to actually work..." "Well, there is a film club, and Ms. Maddie's more than willing to be the club observer, so I don't see why we couldn't at least try. Won't hurt more than being shooed out like this all the time." "I suppose so... Hey, what's Leona doing to that boy over there?" Catie motioned to a boy and girl in front of a candy store across the street. The girl, Leona Armando, stood about 4 inches over the boy in front of her, cracking her fists and scowling. Her skin was tan, despite the cool weather, and her hair was a light brown. Her crystalline eyes glared down at the smaller person, who was pushing himself against the glass behind him. On her waist was a pair of red lenses sunglasses hooked to her belt, with a green sweatshirt for a top. He wore a red and white baseball cap, with ruby eyes and an average skin tone. His outfit consisted of a short sleeved jacket with the same color scheme as his hat, light blue jeans, and sneakers, giving him an all around unassuming appearance. His frame was smaller than average, making him appear rather fragile, and he appeared to be an inch or two shorter than Catie. "Hey, Leona," Blake called out. "Why are you terrorizing that kid?" The scowl disappeared from Leona's face as she turned and smirked at the boy and girl across the street. "Well, well, if it's not everyone's favorite clueless pair. If you must know, I just finished interrogating this pervert. He claims he was drooling over the store getting a shipment of Easter-only jellybeans or something right now, in September, but you can see how I was... Less than inclined to believe him. So, I found him guilty and I'm gonna teach him a lesson. Problem, officer?" "I think she's overreacting and just enjoying making someone miserable like she does..." Catie whispered to Blake, who nodded. "Alright Leona, how about a bet?" Blake called as Leona lifted the boy by his collar. "Oh? And what would that be?" "Duel me. If I win, you have to leave the poor kid alone. If you win..." "You have to give me 50 dollars for wasting my valuable time~" Blake grimaced as the sadistic girl shrugged, but knew it was his only chance to help the kid. "So be it. I challenged, so..." Blake pulled a disk and D-Gazer out of his bag and put them on, "You can go first. Catie, please go take care of that kid." Catie nodded and ran over to him, while Leona mock curtsied. "My my, what a gentleman." ------- The words "DUEL START" appeared as the virtual arena and a 4000 Life Point marker appeared next to both players. Leona and Blake drew their first five cards, then Leona drew her sixth. After briefly viewing what was in her hand, she began. "I normal summon Pilgrim of the Ice Barrier [1500 ATK, Lv. 4] and then set 2 cards." The acolyte's card materialized on the field, then him above it, standing up with his head bowed and praying, totally still. "And that's all for my turn." "Alright then, I draw. Then I normal summon Mahunder [1400 ATK, Lv. 4] from my hand." The card materialized, followed by a bolt of red lightning shooting out of it, only to crash back down and show an otherwise normal woman in red with electricity covering the backs of her hands and forearms as well as the top of her long hair. "Then I activate the effect of Mahunder to normal summon Pahunder [1300 ATK, Lv. 4] from my hand, and Pahunder activates to normal summon Thunder Knight [1300 ATK, Lv. 4]!" Mahunder's arms flashed and shot at a card in Blake's hand. Upon contact, green lightning shot onto the field, from that card, next to Mahunder, forming a man with bright electric hair and electricity on his arms like his wife. His electricity then repeated what the female thunder had done, hitting another card in Blake's hand. This time, a large bolt struck from the sky next to the couple, forming a knight clad in yellow armor. He held a sword pulsing with lightning, a flowing black cape with lightning emblazoned on it, and 2 large shoulder pads that looked almost like coils. "Thunder Knight's effect makes him gain 400 for every Thunder-type on the field, including himself, raising his attack to [2500]! Now, I proceed to my battle phase and Knight attacks Pilgrim of the Ice Barrier!" The knight shot forward with thunder sounding as it kicked off the ground, and brought its sword down at Pilgrim. But before it came into contact with the monster, a barrier shaped like a snowflake appeared in front of the praying warrior, taking the brunt of the knight's strike. Leona's life points fell [Leona: 4000 -> 3000 LP], but Pilgrim was undeterred. "Curious?" Leona chimed in. "Pilgrim can't be destroyed in battle with a monster that has 1900 or more attack, so it's staying where it is. So sad..." "Dammit... I shoulda thought ahead," Blake muttered, but proceeded to his next phase. "I overlay my Mahunder and Pahunder" A red vortex appeared on the ground, and the couple shot into it as a pair of bolts. "To Xyz Summon Bujintei Tsukuyomi [2300 DEF, R4; 2 Materials] in defense position!" The vortex erupted with red particles everywhere, as a kneeling creature raised out of it. Its sword was sheathed in the top of the shield, its shield was raised, and its wings were folded back and energy slightly pulsed all over the yellow warrior, with 2 bright lights orbiting around it. As the field settled, Thunder Knight's attack fell [2500 -> 1700]. "Then I set 2 cards, and I activate Tsukuyomi by detaching Pahunder from it!" One of the bright lights shot into Tsukuyomi's sword, which it then waved. As it did, the last card in Blake's hand fell to the Graveyard and he drew 2 more to replace it. "I discard the Sishunder in my hand, and I draw 2 to replace it. Then I end my turn." Blake announced and flinched as he completed the transaction. ------- Catie sat the boy down at a table outside the store, then sat across from him, keeping an eye on the game. "I'm Catie. Sorry about Leona, she gets... Carried away and loves to bring others down to her level, but don't worry too much about her. What's your name?" The boy shuffled for a second, then cleared his throat. "Uh, it's Elliot. I'm new around here and just heard about the candy store. When I got here, I saw the sour jellybeans..." He glanced at the window and began to salivate, but shook himself out of it. "Anyways, I saw them and got excited, then that b**** showed up. She started saying I was drooling over the girl that works in the store and wouldn't listen to a word I said. I don't even know what girl she was talking about, there's no girl in there right now..." "I... see," Catie laughed nervously, but decided to change the topic to avoid causing the boy any more duress. "Well, don't worry. I'm sure Blake'll win and you'll get off the hook." "Oh, why's that?" "I play against him all the time, and I grew up with him. He's probably the best I know personally, so just have some faith." Catie gave a soft smile to Elliot, who blushed lightly and looked over at the game himself. "If you say so... Still, thanks Catie. I can tell you're at least trying." "Don't mention it" Catie chirped. -------- "I draw! Then I normal Summon Cryomancer of the Ice Barrier [1300 ATK, Lv. 2]!" Water bubbled out of the card that formed, then froze and broke, revealing a humanoid with an icy staff underneath. "Then I tune my Pilgrim and Cryomancer!" The cryomancer bowed to his staff before becoming a pair of green rings that rotated in mid air, while pilgrim turned clear then into four solid stars that filled in the center of the 2 rings. "Appear now, first of the frost sealed dragons! Synchro Summon! Brionac, Dragon of the Ice Barrier [2300 ATK, Lv. 6]!" A bright light shot through the rings and engulfed the stars, fading to reveal a long, white and blue serpent made of ice. It spread its wings wide and gave out a roar as it opened its three, piercing, yellow eyes. "Now, I activate my set Safe Zone and target your Knight! It cannot be destroyed by battle, and it cannot be destroyed or targeted by your own card effects!" "What the...?" Blake thought to himself, "Why would she protect my own monster...?" "Next, I activate the effect of Brionac! By discarding Blizzed, Defender of the Ice Barrier and Geomancer of the Ice Barrier, I return my own Safe Zone and your Bujintei Tsukuyomi to the hand!" 2 card icons appeared before Brionac, which bit both of them, before flapping its wings to blow away the cards declared. Tsukuyomi was swallowed up by a small red vortex to return to the Extra Deck, and Safe Zone returned to Leona's hand, simultaneously destroying Thunder Knight. "When Safe Zone is removed from the field, what it targeted is destroyed, so your Thunder Knight's gone. Oh well, guess nothing's safe forever." "Then I activate the effect of Thunder Knight! When it's destroyed and sent to the Graveyard, I can add 1 Thunder-Type monster with 1000 or less defense from my deck to my hand, so I add Mahunder! Thank you, Thunder Knight." Blake added the card to his hand and Leona shrugged. "Sure, why not. Now, Brionac, attack him directly!" The serpent launched forward, coiling in the air as it shot, but a robotic ball grabbed it and repulsed the attack. "I activate my set Security Orb!" Blake declared, "When a monster you control attacks, I can switch it to defense position! You've gotta try a bit harder than that, Leona!" "Tch, he got past Safe Zone..." Leona thought to herself. "Oh well, I'll just save it for later." "I set 1 and end my turn. Make it snappy, would you?" Blake drew his card and looked at his hand a moment, considering his next play. "Hrm... I could go for a Synchro or an Xyz... but she still has a card set, so... Should probably be safe." "I normal summon Mahunder, who then summons Vylon Prism from my hand!" Another copy of the maternal thunder-type appeared, and pulled what appeared to be a rock in gold and white armor out. It pulsed with multiple colors of light, and its green jewels began to glow as it extended its arms and lit up its energy wings. "Now, I tune my 2 monsters together!" Prism erupted into 4 green rings, followed by Mahunder becoming 4 stars that filled those rings, much like the previous Synchro. "Come forth, embodiment of a bright future! Synchro Summon, Stardust Spark Dragon!" The light faded and a dragon covered in sparkling particles, before it spread its wings suddenly to clear the air. Blake's life points dropped [Blake: 4000 -> 3500 LP] and armor started to appear on the dragon, reminiscent of Prism. "When Vylon Prism is used for a Synchro Summon, I can equip it to a monster I control for 500 Life Points. I equip it to Stardust! Now Stardust, attack Brionac!" The beast roared and took to the air, charging a blast in its mouth. As it built up energy, the armor glowed, and the dragon's attack changed [2500 -> 3500] and it fired at the ice serpent. "When a monster equipped with Vylon Prism attacks, it gains 1000 attack during damage calculation!" The ice serpent shattered into thousand of ice crystals that quickly dissipated, and Stardust came back down to earth. "And with that, I end my turn. Your go." ------- "See? I told you he was good, didn't I? He beat out Safe Zone with Security Orb, and then he had an answer that can preserve himself." Catie beamed as she talked about how well Blake was doing. "If you say so... but it looks like something's up the girl's sleeve to me." "You think so?" "Just watch." ------- Leona drew for the turn and smirked. "I normal summon Ice Knight [1300 ATK, Lv. 4]!" Bubbles rose from the ground then froze, much like Cryomancer, shattering to reveal a knight made of ice. It held out one of its hands and summoned water than instantly froze into a double sided javelin. It's aqua armor shone bright as a card behind it was raised. "But don't worry, the brother of your knight won't be staying too long. I activate Call of the Haunted! I special summon Geomancer [800 ATK, Lv. 3] from my grave in attack position! Then I tune my Geomancer and Ice Knight together!" The familiar green rings and bright stars appeared once more, 3 and 4 respectively. The bright light filled the arena as Leona announced the quadrupedal ice drake. "Be reborn frozen behemoth! Synchro Summon! Gungnir, Dragon of the Ice Barrier [2500 ATK, Lv. 7]!" The frozen beast opened its beak-like jaw and let out a roar, freezing tables and chairs in the area, including those that Elliot and Catie were sitting in. "Then I activate Magic Planter! By sending my face-up Call of the Haunted to the Grave, I can draw 2!" A flower pot appeared beneath the continuous trap, filled to the brim with acid. As Call of the Haunted was lowered into it, it slowly disintegrated, becoming 1 card for each half gone. "Then I activate Salvage! I add back Blizzed and Cryomancer from my Graveyard! But they aren't staying here long, as I'm discarding them to pay for the effect of Gungnir. Destroy Prism and Stardust!" Gungnir roared as the two cards appeared before it, which it then devoured. Upon consumption, he let out 2 large blasts of icy air from his beak, trained on the armored dragon. The first hit, and Stardust's armor shattered. However, before the second blast hit, the dragon closed its wings and repelled the shot. "I activate Stardust's effect! Once per turn it can target one face-up card I control, and during this turn that card isn't destroyed!" The dragon roared in triumph as it lived through the attack and settled back in place. "Then I activate Safe Zone and target Gungnir with it! Then Gungnir attacks your Stardust Spark Dragon!" Gungnir took in a deep breath and shot a beam of ice at the other dragon, but as it would hit the beast, a barrier appeared in front of it, deflecting half of the attack away. "I activate Half Unbreak! I can target one monster on the field, and this turn it cannot be destroyed by battle, and I take half damage from any attacks involving it!" Stardust roared and shot a blast back at the dragon, but it was deflected by a similar barrier due to Safe Zone. "Then I end my turn." "I draw! Then I activate Thunder Sea Horse by discarding it!" Blake flinched as he dropped the card from his hand, and electricity coated his hand in response. "When I activate it, in exchange for not Special Summoning this turn, I can add 2 Thunder-type monsters with the same name from my deck to my hand, so long as they have 1600 or less attack. I choose 2 Pahunder to expand my family!" Leona scoffed at his statement, and Blake put his hand to the deck and the electricity forced itself into the deck, then pushed out 2 copies of the father. Blake added them to his hand, then ended his turn. "Draw!" Leona looked at the card, and a wicked smile covered her face. "Well well, what a nice present. But first, I activate Pot of Dichotomy! I return Blizzed, Pilgrim, and Brionac to my deck and Extra Deck, then draw 2, but I can't attack this turn. Then I activate Gungnir, by discarding the Dai-Sojo of the Ice Barrier I drew! Destroy his facedown!" The dragon devoured the card, then shot an icy blast at Blake's backrow, blowing the set Xyz Block away. "Damn, I hate those dragons... All of them are based around using allies as fodder for attacks... That seems to be the only goal she's playing at..." "Awww, too bad." Leona leered. "Guess you don't get to use that. Now, I activate De-Synchro, and target Gungnir!" The dragon faded from the board with ice particles in its place, only to have them dissipate and leave the Geomancer and Ice Knight in his place, defending. "Then I normal summon Secret Guards of the Ice Barrier [100 ATK, Lv. 2]! But that's not all! I tune all 3 monsters together!" Geomancer became 3 rings, spinning faster than the previous times, and the other 2 monsters became 6 stars to fill those rings. The light erupted, taking the form of 3 prongs. "Come forth goddess of ice and destruction! Synchro Summon! Trishula, Dragon of the Ice Barrier!" The light dispersed revealing a three headed dragon, much larger than the 2 before her. The dragon's steady growl was shrill, as its heads looked at three different places. "s***, what's she aiming for?! I can't even use this time to think because it doesn't target..." "Then I activate her effect! I banish Stardust Spark Dragon from your field, a random card in your hand, and Mahunder from your grave!" Blake paled as his Stardust, Mahunder, and 1 of the Pahunders were banished, but Leona just laughed. "Now, this is the end of your little family!" "Dammit... I really need to draw something now, or that dragon will rip me to shreds!" ------- "See? I told you she had a plan." "But... C'mon Blake, you can do it!" "I don't understand how you can have such faith in him..." The small boy replied as the ice goddess roared its supremacy. "He'll do it... He's always come through, no matter how tough." Catie said, gritting her teeth as soon as the words left her mouth. "I know he can do it..." To be continued... [/spoiler] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aerion Brightflame Posted February 4, 2014 Report Share Posted February 4, 2014 Well the good news is it doesn't suck. Which already makes it of a decent standard for fan fics. Since this was a fairly standard introduction of a fic, with not a vast amount of plot to analyse, I'll keep things brief enough: Good points: The duel. Like seriously, it was really good as a first duel. The plays flowed well, the description of the attacks and summonings was extremely good to read. And the plays were what I'd expect from a fic written by you. Though seeing the Ice Barrier Dragons was interesting to say with. That was basically it, but since the chapter was primarly a duel, the fact that the duel came across well done was really good thing. The bad: Character Descriptions. The issue with these, is that they... broke apart the flow of the beginning because they were so analytical. Whilst fleshing out clothing and that is a great detail to add in, when you are doing it with 4 characters in a very short space of time, it means the text itself doesn't flow like it should, and it becomes harder for the reader to get engrossed. If the descriptions had varied more, or even been of slightly less detail each time, the opening would flow better and the chapter would be stronger as a result. Mostly I think the clothing descriptions and exact heights. It might be more down to personal preference of how to do things rather than it being actually correct, but sometimes less is more when it comes to description. I'm not sure how to phrase it properly though. So yeah, it was a decent enough start overall. Nothing amazing, but nothing terrible either. One thing I would suggest, though I can understand why you'd not do so, but would be to hyperlink to cards when they first appear. It's not only convience for the reader, but it also saves you some of the hassle with descriptions (In that you can be less specific about them) which again will help with flow latter on. And lets you cut excess details from effect explanations. But your fic, so your decision and all that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blake Posted February 4, 2014 Author Report Share Posted February 4, 2014 Honestly, I've been told before that I can really make the duel come to life when I describe it, and I actually enjoy doing it. I've tried hyperlinking in the past, and I just prefer description + reader's memory, especially considering I am going to be using some completely custom cards. It'd be odd to only begin to describe some while going into detail on others.But thanks, will try to do better with character descriptions in future chapters as they come. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bahamut - Envoy of the End Posted February 4, 2014 Report Share Posted February 4, 2014 Hey Black. First of all, welcome to writing *obligatory plays 'Poor Unfortunate Souls' as is becoming my custom for newbies getting into writing now*. Is this your first time doing anything like this? I hope it goes well for you. I'm not going to analyse everything line for line for you, but will give you a few points I enjoyed and didn't so much enjoy. The 'prologue' dream scene was kind of not bad; it was to the point and snappy, although it could have been darker with a bit of atmosphere before the opening line. But it mainly snapped into focus when the guy suddenly woke up and I went "Hang on a minute..." The guy who is seen in such an immediate way in this story that I assume him to be the leading protagonist, ten seconds ago he was in a dream scene destroying some as yet unidentified duelist in a creepy preminition kind of way... My interest is piqued by this... Characters are described in enough and not overwhelming amounts of detail, albiet a bit... directly in their delivery. They are fine. The first couple Blake and Catie seem nice enough, if a bit generic in their roles, and then we meet two more. Blake's the cool, shady guy; probably has dark secrets in his past, or memory loss of it. Catie is the happy go lucky girl. Leona is a mean bully who either becomes a reluctant anti-hero type aid to the heroes, or main antagonist. Eliot is the nervy kid who comes out of his shell and grows in confidence through the story (and I'd wager the kid in Blake's dream). The duel breaks out for... not the most exciting reasons in the world, feels kinda ZEXAL-y in its theme here, but I guess explosions and weird s*** in chapter one every time gets over done. I'm guessing this story will appeal to the younger reader given this chapter. It kinda went downhill when Catie came out with the line "He's probably the best I know personally, so just have some faith". This line in YGO fiction needs to be avoided like the Bubonic Plague! In one it creates the dreaded Mary-Yusei-Sue (see comments about memory loss/dark shady past as things to avoid with this. It's a bearpit I've fallen into.) The duel was alright. I think my own concentration waned so I kept missing cards being set, which was my fault. To be honest I think more could have been explained when announcing card effects, such as the Thunder Family. I don't actually know off the top of my head exactly what they do, or at least the criteria for their effects which I could vaguely remember are to do with extra normal summons, so that could have been expanded on more fully IMO. Descriptions of everything else were adequate. Bear in mind to ensure, although this is a two parter we've only seen half of, more 'finishing' attacks and saves from losing. I assume a direct attack from Trishula at the end would be such an attack. Can't be sure, please note LP changes like you would and have ATK scores. Otherwise, a decent first fist at it. Nothing overwhelming with OMG as situation dictated/limited that, but written promisingly enough for me. Ps: You kept writing Safe Zone where it should have said Brionac when talking about 'thwarting Safe Zone'. Just thought I'd point that out. :mellow: PPs: Wow, that got a lot longer than I thought it would. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sploda Posted February 4, 2014 Report Share Posted February 4, 2014 All your points are very well stated and can easily be address, the constructive criticism seen is also wonderful, and I thank you both for them. Hearing opinions of others outside of just Black and myself is good, especially in regards towards the duels. Being little more than a novice at YGO myself, I can't really help Black with those. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blake Posted February 4, 2014 Author Report Share Posted February 4, 2014 Hey Black. First of all, welcome to writing *obligatory plays 'Poor Unfortunate Souls' as is becoming my custom for newbies getting into writing now*. Is this your first time doing anything like this? I hope it goes well for you.Not my first, but... first really serious try. I'm not going to analyse everything line for line for you, but will give you a few points I enjoyed and didn't so much enjoy. The 'prologue' dream scene was kind of not bad; it was to the point and snappy, although it could have been darker with a bit of atmosphere before the opening line. But it mainly snapped into focus when the guy suddenly woke up and I went "Hang on a minute..." The guy who is seen in such an immediate way in this story that I assume him to be the leading protagonist, ten seconds ago he was in a dream scene destroying some as yet unidentified duelist in a creepy preminition kind of way... My interest is piqued by this...Yeah, every time I wanna write, I tend to choke at openings for the story... Will try to improve if I do something else like this. Characters are described in enough and not overwhelming amounts of detail, albiet a bit... directly in their delivery. They are fine. The first couple Blake and Catie seem nice enough, if a bit generic in their roles, and then we meet two more. Blake's the cool, shady guy; probably has dark secrets in his past, or memory loss of it. Catie is the happy go lucky girl. Leona is a mean bully who either becomes a reluctant anti-hero type aid to the heroes, or main antagonist. Eliot is the nervy kid who comes out of his shell and grows in confidence through the story (and I'd wager the kid in Blake's dream). The duel breaks out for... not the most exciting reasons in the world, feels kinda ZEXAL-y in its theme here, but I guess explosions and weird s*** in chapter one every time gets over done. I'm guessing this story will appeal to the younger reader given this chapter. It kinda went downhill when Catie came out with the line "He's probably the best I know personally, so just have some faith". This line in YGO fiction needs to be avoided like the Bubonic Plague! In one it creates the dreaded Mary-Yusei-Sue (see comments about memory loss/dark shady past as things to avoid with this. It's a bearpit I've fallen into.)Not going to kiss and tell, so to speak, but you hit the nail in some regards and missed completely with others in regards to the characters. More about Blake'll come out next chapter, which will make some comments made in regards to him/by him make a bit more sense.The story's meant to be somewhere between real life, 5D's, and little bits of ZeXal. It's supposed to be less omgduelsareeverything, which is why I gave Leona a more... monetary reason to agree to the bet. Still, not the easiest to convey without outright stating it this early, which is why I went with something less flashy than 5D's or GX but flashier than schoolyard rumble. The duel was alright. I think my own concentration waned so I kept missing cards being set, which was my fault. To be honest I think more could have been explained when announcing card effects, such as the Thunder Family. I don't actually know off the top of my head exactly what they do, or at least the criteria for their effects which I could vaguely remember are to do with extra normal summons, so that could have been expanded on more fully IMO. Descriptions of everything else were adequate. Bear in mind to ensure, although this is a two parter we've only seen half of, more 'finishing' attacks and saves from losing. I assume a direct attack from Trishula at the end would be such an attack. Can't be sure, please note LP changes like you would and have ATK scores.Need to be more descriptive with effects... got it.Trishula couldn't attack due to Pot of Dichotomy, but I still get what you mean.And I will start treating LP like ATK/DEF. I thought about it before, but opted not to for some unknown reason. Otherwise, a decent first fist at it. Nothing overwhelming with OMG as situation dictated/limited that, but written promisingly enough for me. Ps: You kept writing Safe Zone where it should have said Brionac when talking about 'thwarting Safe Zone'. Just thought I'd point that out. :mellow: PPs: Wow, that got a lot longer than I thought it would.Actually, Safe Zone was on purpose.If Security Orb hadn't forced Brionac into defense position, Blake would have had trouble removing the serpent next turn due to Safe Zone protecting it. Safe Zone can only target ATK mosnters, after all.Long is fine, I am looking to improve after all.Thanks a bunch ^-^ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fusion X. Denver Posted February 5, 2014 Report Share Posted February 5, 2014 You know how I feel. And I think the comments made here had valid points as well, so I'm glad you got some good constructive criticism. I just noticed you got rid of the coffee mug on Leona's waist...probably the better idea >.> Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blake Posted February 5, 2014 Author Report Share Posted February 5, 2014 You know how I feel. And I think the comments made here had valid points as well, so I'm glad you got some good constructive criticism. I just noticed you got rid of the coffee mug on Leona's waist...probably the better idea >.>It was a moment of... eccentricity I added to her before, but I decided to neg it. Went a little overboard in what I was trying to do with it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AGATHODAIMON BANGTAIL COW Posted February 5, 2014 Report Share Posted February 5, 2014 @ The bit about Safe Zone: But wasn't Safe Zone slapped onto Thunder Knight? During my first reading of the chapter, and after a quick skim to make sure I didn't just miss it, I don't see anything about another Safe Zone. And when Bujintei Tsukuyomi was Summoned, I think Knight should've been dropped to 1700 rather than 1300, but that doesn't really matter since it got blasted with Safe Zone. So eh. Anyway, onto the actual chapter. I don't really have much experience in writing myself, so I can't say anything about your style, what you did wrong, etc. But, given how you're... well... you, I take it that we're going to be seeing more advanced plays than most of the other Yugimonz stories here (well, I really shouldn't say that if the only Yugioh-related stories here I read are yours and Matt's)? As for custom cards, are you planning on using a lot of those outside of the... uh... what should I call them... uh, the Type-Knights, or are those Knights going to be pretty much it? Now I bet I owe Matt a post too. I should probably do that soon, instead of taking forever and ever and only commenting via status. This is all your fault. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bahamut - Envoy of the End Posted February 5, 2014 Report Share Posted February 5, 2014 @ The bit about Safe Zone: But wasn't Safe Zone slapped onto Thunder Knight? During my first reading of the chapter, and after a quick skim to make sure I didn't just miss it, I don't see anything about another Safe Zone. And when Bujintei Tsukuyomi was Summoned, I think Knight should've been dropped to 1700 rather than 1300, but that doesn't really matter since it got blasted with Safe Zone. So eh. Anyway, onto the actual chapter. I don't really have much experience in writing myself, so I can't say anything about your style, what you did wrong, etc. But, given how you're... well... you, I take it that we're going to be seeing more advanced plays than most of the other Yugimonz stories here (well, I really shouldn't say that if the only Yugioh-related stories here I read are yours and Matt's)? As for custom cards, are you planning on using a lot of those outside of the... uh... what should I call them... uh, the Type-Knights, or are those Knights going to be pretty much it? Now I bet I owe Matt a post too. I should probably do that soon, instead of taking forever and ever and only commenting via status. This is all your fault. :( Yes I concede that my plays are fairly limited in imagination when it comes to the more skilful/eccentric use of effects. Dion/Vector Nightmare is the best at that. (Although given Black's experience in this game I think some good duels will come. Also made that spot about T.Knight, but like ABC said small matter. And yeah, you do. How come Black's getting so many more views than me and people who never comment on my story are immediately commenting on yours (don't answer that)? :( And his lead lady uses Ice Barriers as well mine... ... *twitches in a slightly deranged manner, and approaches Black from behind holding a piece of lead piping*... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blake Posted February 5, 2014 Author Report Share Posted February 5, 2014 "@ The bit about Safe Zone: But wasn't Safe Zone slapped onto Thunder Knight? During my first reading of the chapter, and after a quick skim to make sure I didn't just miss it, I don't see anything about another Safe Zone. And when Bujintei Tsukuyomi was Summoned, I think Knight should've been dropped to 1700 rather than 1300, but that doesn't really matter since it got blasted with Safe Zone. So eh." Damn, I did make a mistake with Knight there... It didn't matter but still feels bad. The point was that since Brio bounced Safe Zone back to the hand, it was "reset" for Leona to protect Brionac with it. It later protected Gungnir, but couldn't save Brio. "Anyway, onto the actual chapter. I don't really have much experience in writing myself, so I can't say anything about your style, what you did wrong, etc. But, given how you're... well... you, I take it that we're going to be seeing more advanced plays than most of the other Yugimonz stories here (well, I really shouldn't say that if the only Yugioh-related stories here I read are yours and Matt's)? As for custom cards, are you planning on using a lot of those outside of the... uh... what should I call them... uh, the Type-Knights, or are those Knights going to be pretty much it?" Overly complicated...? Nah, not really. While I do wanna shy away from plot devices and make games a bit more realistic, but still going to keep the whimsy of a written world. Like Security Orb, which I've always wanted to use. I will be using a fair bit of custom cards. This is both my story making and card making outlet, so I want to be able to use what I create as much as I possibly can. In this case, that would be written form, as I can't conduct an official game with the cards I design. "Now I bet I owe Matt a post too. I should probably do that soon, instead of taking forever and ever and only commenting via status. This is all your fault."shhhhhhhhhhhhhhh EDIT: damn formatting errors :( Yes I concede that my plays are fairly limited in imagination when it comes to the more skilful/eccentric use of effects. Dion/Vector Nightmare is the best at that. (Although given Black's experience in this game I think some good duels will come. Also made that spot about T.Knight, but like ABC said small matter. And yeah, you do. How come Black's getting so many more views than me and people who never comment on my story are immediately commenting on yours (don't answer that)? :( And his lead lady uses Ice Barriers as well mine... ... *twitches in a slightly deranged manner, and approaches Black from behind holding a piece of lead piping*... I just chose a deck to define the character. Trust me, upon touching your fic and reading, I blushed in embarassment. Ask Caeda, I felt awwwwwwwwwwwks. And it's because I'm an attention whore when I want to be. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blake Posted February 6, 2014 Author Report Share Posted February 6, 2014 [spoiler=Chapter 2: ... and a Cherry on Top!]Blake shook in place as the three-headed dragon wrecked his advantage. The air chilled with each breath the beast took and each flap of its wings. His hand now only two cards, with no field to speak of. "Dammit... I really need to draw something now, or that dragon will rip me to shreds! When she attacks, I'll be on the r-" "I end my turn. I can't attack, and I've destroyed your precious family as much as I can for now." Leona shrugged as the dragon calmed down and landed behind its master, but its shrill growl never left the air. "Right... Dichotomy prevents her from entering her Battle Phase... Just need to stay calm..." Blake reminded himself as he took a deep breath. "Alright, my turn. Draw!" ------- "She needs to lay off the family thing..." Catie mumbled as she watched, earning Elliot's eyebrow. "Whaddya mean? Why's she mentioning family like that?" "Well you see..." ------- Blake looked at his hand and grimaced. "Another Thunder Sea Horse... Wish I'd drawn something more offensive... I also have Light of Redemption, so I could add back a Ma to work with this Pa, but what's one Xyz going to do if she draws well next turn? I have to go with Sea Horse for now... Should I still use Light? I guess I'll wait one more turn and hope she doesn't get rid of it, somehow." "I activate the effect of Thunder Sea Horse once more!" Blake flinched as he dropped the card to his grave and electricity coated his hand. "When I discard it from my hand, I can add two Level 4 LIGHT Thunder-Type monsters with the same name from my hand! I choose two Brohunder!" Blake touched his deck and the electricity coursed from his hand to the cards, pushing two copies of Brohunder out, which he added to his hand. "Then I set a monster and end my turn!" ------- "So he's... An orphan?" Elliot asked, surprised. "Not exactly... He lost his parents and siblings, not everyone, but... Well, that would take a heavy toll on anyone." Catie sighed as she pondered her next words and pulled some papers out of her bag. "He's lived next door to me, with his grandparents, since we were 7... They're nice people and they love him to death, but he still has a strong drive for family outside of them." "I see... So Leona's using that to unnerve him... That's a pretty horrible thing to do to someone who's been through that." Elliot watched as Leona conducted her turn and began her taunts once more. "It is, but it's not surprising. Leona's always been a b****. This isn't even close to the worst she's done." ------- "Draw!" Leona scowled at the card she drew, but played it anyways. "I activate Upstart Goblin! I get to draw one card, then my opponent gains 1000 Life Points." Leona took her extra draw, and her expression changed as Blake's life edited itself [Blake: 3500 -> 4500 LP]. "Well, I wish I hadn't had to use Upstart, but the ends justify the means, right? I activate De-Synchro and target Trishula!" "Damn!" Blake grit his teeth as the dragon goddess faded and left Secret Guards of the Ice Barrier [1600 DEF, Lv. 2], Ice Knight which gained attack by its effect [1300 -> 2100 ATK, Lv. 4], and Geomancer [1200 DEF, Lv. 3] in her stead. "Here comes Trishula again!" "Now, return to the frozen depths of hell for your queen!" Leona called out as the monsters formed three green rings and six bright stars once more. "Be released and reborn again, apocalyptic ice goddess! Synchro Summon! Trishula, Dragon of the Ice Barrier [2700 ATK, Lv. 9]!" Before the light of the summon even faded, the dragon's three heads shot out, grabbing and banishing Blake's set Brohunder, Pahunder from his hand, and a Thunder Sea Horse from his grave. Blake stood before the beast, wide open, as the three mouths charged blue energy in them. "Now Trishula, attack Blake directly!" The dragon let loose its icy beams with pinpoint aim. The blast threw Blake back a bit and left him covered in frost as he picked himself up and his life points fell [Blake: 4500 -> 1800 LP]. "That's all for my turn. Now let's see if your tattered little family can muster itself up enough strength to get past Trishula without giving itself up for others outside of it~" Leona sneered as the turn count rolled over. ------- "That b****!" Elliot snarled and turned to Catie, who was holding a hand to her mouth. "I'm not the most sympathetic person myself, but she's certainly rubbing it in. And from the looks, Blake does seem to be getting rattled. I'm really not sure how you still believe he could win this." "I just... do. He's not going to let you down like this. He can't even afford to pay her 50 dollars, and Leona knows that full well." Elliot stared, dumbfounded, at the news he'd just heard. "But... If he couldn't afford it, why'd he accept? He didn't have to stick up for me at all, logically speaking!" "That's who he is. He tries his hardest so that one day he can make sure he gives a family he has what it deserves and have them be proud of who he is." Catie smiled slightly and clenched her hands out of Elliot's view. "Come on, Blake... You can do this..." ------- Blake took a deep breath as he reached for his draw. As his hand trembled, one thought echoed in his mind. "Please... Just give me something I can work with... Anything at all..." "Draw!" Blake held his eyes tight as he drew. The fear was evident as he opened his eye slowly. However, it was quickly replaced with a wide grin. "You know what... I think I can take your offer and do it without sacrificing anyone, Leona. I normal summon Mahunder [1400 ATK, Lv. 4]!" The mother appeared from his hand with a red bolt. The moment her feet met the ground, she threw her arm back and threw a bolt that hit a card in Blake's hand. "Once per turn, I can use the ignition effect of Mahunder to normal summon a Lv. 4 LIGHT Thunder monster from my hand! I choose to normal summon Brohunder [900 ATK, Lv. 4]!" A small green bolt shot from Blake's hand, and the boy materialized in midair as he spun on a hoverboard. He landed next to his mother with a cloud of dust behind him, and a big smile on his face. His hands, forearms, and hair were all covered with spiky electricity, coming far off of his body. "And now I activate Brohunder's effect! By banishing one Thunder-type monster in my Graveyard when he's Normal Summoned, I can draw one card!" The thunder child kicked his board up and grabbed it like a cannon, shooting a bolt at the ground. A pure yellow bolt shot from Blake's graveyard as he transferred Thunder Knight from his graveyard to his banished pile, then drew one. A sigh of relief escaped his lips when he looked upon the card he drew. "Next, I activate Recycling Batteries! I'll add back one Ma and one Pa in my grave to my hand! And then I activate Light of Redemption! I pay 800 life points [Blake: 1800 -> 1000] and I can add one of my banished LIGHT monsters to my hand! I choose the Thunder Knight I just banished!" A small green and a small red bolt shot from the grave to Blake's hand, forming into two cards, while a large yellow orb slowly rose from the ground in front of Blake. He reached into the orb, and it faded away to reveal him holding another card which he added to his hand." "Does it matter? You can't do anything with them this turn, you have no way to continue normal summoning." Leona shrugged with half-lidded eyes. "Oh, but that's where you're wrong! I overlay Mahunder and Brohunder!" A red vortex appeared, whipping fast as the mother and son pair shot into it as lightning. "I Xyz summon the familial patriarch, Grandpahunder [1500 ATK, R4; 2 Materials]!" The vortex exploded to reveal a man in pale green clothing, with a long beard made of white electricity and hair to match. His two Xyz Materials rotated around him, shining bright. His right arm held a staff that looked like a lightning rod, and his arms were covered completely in white electricity, leaving only the palm of his hands uncovered. "Then I activate Grandpa's effect on summon! When he's Xyz Summoned, I can target one Thunder-Type or Xyz Monster in my Graveyard and attach it to Grandpa as Xyz Material! I choose Sishunder, so come from the grave!" A light red bolt shot from the grave to the grandfather and became a bright orb like her mother and sister [2 Materials -> 3 Materials]. The grandfather smiled, and hit the ground with the butt of his staff, and Sishunder flew into the staff. "Then I activate his effect, Family Gathering! Once per turn, I can detach one Xyz Material from Grandpahunder [3 Materials -> 2 Materials] to normal summon a Lv. 4 LIGHT Monster from my hand! I choose Mahunder [1400 ATK, Lv. 4]!" A white electricity coated the field from the base of Grandpahunder's staff, and his daughter appeared next to him from Blake's hand. "Then I activate her effect and summon Pahunder [1300 ATK, Lv. 4] from my hand! And then I activate Pahunder, who has the same effect as his wife, to Normal Summon Thunder Knight [1300 ATK, Lv. 4] as well!" The husband and knight appeared on the board together, but the knight landed with his blade lighting up, aimed at the three headed dragon. "And you remember what Thunder Knight does, right? If not, here's a refresher: He gains 400 for every Thunder-type monster I control!" Leona gasped as the knight's attack changed [1300 -> 2900 ATK], leaving Trishula weaker than it. "I'll show you that I don't have to forsake them to win! Thunder Knight, destroy Trishula!" The warrior leapt forward with the speed of lightning and disappeared from view. As Leona looked around for Thunder Knight, but the armored thunder was nowhere to be seen. "Ikazuchi Ichinoha Strike!" With a flash, the knight appeared behind Leona, on its knees with its blade against the ground. The air was still for a moment as both duelists held their breath, but then the dragon split in two straight down the middle. As her body exploded, Leona's life fell. [Leona: 3000 -> 2800] "Now, Pahunder attacks directly!" The father shot forward and punched Leona, sending the female duelist back a foot or two and shocking her [Leona: 2800 -> 1500] "Then, Mahunder, attack her directly!" The female thunder shot forward and kicked Leona, sending her further back from her starting point and shocking more life points out [Leona: 1500 ->100]. "And finally, Grandpahunder attacks!" The old man snapped out of a nap and swung his staff, lightning reigning down on Leona from above, reducing her life points to 0 and throwing her back off her feet [Leona: 100 -> 0]. The words "DUEL END" appeared in the arena, quickly followed by "WINNER: BLAKE MACHA", before the entire duel faded away. "Good game, Leona." ------- "Good job, Blake!" Catie called from the sidelines, waving to her friend. He returned her wave with a smile, then headed over to Leona. "Here, let me help you up." He offered the female duelist a hand. Leona sat still for a moment, then grabbed his hand and pulled him down as she stood up. "Whatever, I didn't care about that pervert anyways. Enjoy your victory, because your luck won't last you forever." Leona put her red shades on and walked off in a huff, leaving Blake to sigh as he sat up. "Nothing ever changes, I suppose." "Blake was it? Thanks." Blake turned to see Elliot walk over with Catie gathering up some papers on the table she was at. The smaller boy grabbed Blake's hand and pulled him up with ease, then shook it. "Yeah, and I never caught your name." "Elliot. Elliot Maaka." "Nice to meet you, Elliot. But... if you don't mind me asking... Why do you look like you're trying to be a silent protagonist?" "Boredom, mostly. Anyways, thanks for helping me out. I have no idea why idea she did that to me, considering there's no girl even in that shop at the moment." Blake shrugged. "Leona just likes making people miserable. Been that way for years now. You, however... I've never seen around. Where do you go to school and what grade?" "I'm transferring into... Trying to remember... Oh, right! Roy J. High School. I'm a sophomore." "Well then, seeing as you'll be coming to school with Catie and I from now on, how about helping us out with forming a club?" "Wait, Elliot wants to help us out?" Catie asked as she walked up. "Just asking him now. So, whaddya say?" "Hrm... Well, it's true I don't know anyone here... And you did stick your neck out for me... Sure, I'll do it." A smile lit the younger teen's face for the first time since they'd met him. "Alright then, meet us after school, here at the candy shop, would ya? I need to get home, and I'm sure Catie does too." Blake waved as he began to walk, a slight smile on his face. Catie began to follow her friend, but turned back to Elliot first. "Thanks for not letting him know you knew he couldn't afford to lose, literally... He's really shy about that thing. I'll see you tomorrow, alright?" Catie smiled back at her new acquaintance who nodded in reply. She caught up to Blake, and both of them were on the horizon not long after. Elliot smiled to himself and opened the door to the shop. "Yeah, maybe everything will work out. I'm probably just overthinking things anyways, because they seem nice enough. Though, I do wanna pay Blake back, somehow..." He stepped in the shop and stretched, only to be distracted by the very candy he was drooling at when he got in trouble with Leona. ------- "You know Blake, you really helped him out." Catie chirped, walking alongside her friend as the sun set. "He didn't seem the type that would do well in a real fight, and Lord knows how Leona gets..." Blake just shrugged and smiled. "He needed it. It was my obligation to help him because I could. That's all there is to it. You know that, Catie." "Yeah, I do... Sometimes I worry you get in a bit over your head, though. You don't have 50 dollars to pay willy nilly" Catie pouted. "Sorry about that," Blake laughed nervously, "I was in the heat of the moment. But you keep me in check most of the time, so all's well that ends well, right?" "I suppose..." Catie muttered as they stepped onto their home street. "Well, here we are again. Val and mom probably need help because Dale's out again. And I'm sure your grandparents need some help around the house, too. For all your caring about others, you tend to forget housework." "I don't forget, I just get busy..." Blake half-heartedly replied. "But you're right. So I'll see you tomorrow, okay?" "You got it!" The pair split and went into their respective homes, heading to their respective lives. "I'm home, grandma!" Blake called out to the house as he opened the door. "Just lemme get washed up real fast, then I'll come back out!" "Alright sweetie, I'm still cooking, so take your time." ------- "Another long day with Blake? You're later than normal, you know~" Catie jumped out of her skin as she turned to see her little sister with a devilish smile on her face. "Not that kind of late, Val. He just stopped to help someone out." Val's smile faded, replaced by pursed lips and a furrowed brow. "God, you're so boring. When are you going to say something?" "Wh-what!? We're just friends, Val, there's nothing going on!" "Yeah, and I'm an ostrich. So when's the wedding?" "Vaaaaaaaaal, stoooooop" Catie whined as her sister snickered. ------- Elliot pulled off his hat with a sigh and tossed it onto the corner of a chair. He looked in the mirror as he changed, putting on a frilly dress and fixing his hair. "I wonder what those two thought of me..." Elliot pondered to himself as he continued to change. "My first time meeting new people turned out pretty well, so hopefully..." Elliot stepped up to the counter of the candy store, which held the name Concoctionaries, and checked himself over one more time. "God, I hate this frilly stuff... Oh, a customer, gotta get in character." Elliot cleared his throat, as the bell for the shop finished chiming. "Hello, and welcome to Concoctionaries! Would you guys like anything today?" Was the high pitched welcome that flew from his mouth. He opened his eyes after a big smile to see a trio of idiotic looking individuals that were casual customers and his expression froze. One with black hair and tan skin, another with brown hair and average skin, and a third with blonde hair and fair skin. He knew exactly who they were. "Oh hey, it's the cute candy girl! What's up, Sweetie?" The blonde one asked. "... Oh dear God, why them... Just the kind of cherry I needed to top off my day... Tomorrow cannot get here fast enough..."[/spoiler] First post will be updated very shortly. Willing to respond to any questions~ Also comments/criticism appreciated as always. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Toffee. Posted February 8, 2014 Report Share Posted February 8, 2014 You know, given the events of that game, I'm really tempted to say this is partially a wishlist of stuff you wish to see in the TCG. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blake Posted February 8, 2014 Author Report Share Posted February 8, 2014 You know, given the events of that game, I'm really tempted to say this is partially a wishlist of stuff you wish to see in the TCG.Not exactly... I really would love the two Knights, but Brohunder's definitely over the top. Gpa's more flavor. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Toffee. Posted February 8, 2014 Report Share Posted February 8, 2014 Not exactly... I really would love the two Knights, but Brohunder's definitely over the top. Gpa's more flavor.I probably should have mentioned I was specifically talking about the knights themselves, but I didn't want to potentially spoil things. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bahamut - Envoy of the End Posted February 10, 2014 Report Share Posted February 10, 2014 Trying to psyche myself up for writing by reading stuff here. Jus thought of comments you made to me and think personally you've gone too far the other way; too much talking for my liking. Blake still comes across as Yusei-reincarnate in the tragic past/standing up for the little guy/putting self on the line/best duelist there is and so on, damn that opening prologue keeps me invested in him though! Customs all seem reasonable; think Grandpahunder is a pretty awesome custom ace, given the temptation for 99% of people would be firespitting x ATK monster that reverses the situation all on its own rather than constructed strategy. I'm satisfied with the conclusion of the duel. Last scene... what? Why? :o Well, still interested in reading Chapter 3 to see if things step up a notch. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blake Posted February 10, 2014 Author Report Share Posted February 10, 2014 Blake's only had 2 chapters to define himself so far, but he's not going to just be a Yusei expy. Last scene... All things are for a reason. If it's funny or wtf, that is merely a cherry on top. And now I wait for my main editor to get back on... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blake Posted February 14, 2014 Author Report Share Posted February 14, 2014 [spoiler=Chapter 3: Maiden of the Heavens]Elliot sighed as he stood outside Concoctionaries. He would steal a glance at his watch every few minutes, but it was only frustrating him further. "Well, today was a bust so far, so why would this be any different?" the boy thought to himself as he recalled the events of the day. "Everyone was too busy going about their day to even help me find my way around, the pricks. But, I suppose I should calm down... It's not like we had a specific meeting time or anything, just after school." Elliot leaned against the wall and was beginning to doze when he heard his name. "Elliot, sorry I'm late!" Called Catie, rushing down the street to get to him. "Blake stayed behind to talk to one of the teachers about forming a club! I'll tell you about it once we get inside!" -------- "Oh, so this is a family store?" Catie asked as Elliot handed her a drink from behind a malt bar. "Yeah, it is. My aunt and uncle run it, and my cousin works here. Which is great for me, since, you know, I love sweets, if yesterday was any indication." Catie laughed, "I guess it was. Drooling over jelly beans was a bit excessive, don't you think?" "It was, but whatever. That's how I am. Anyway... You said we can technically form a club with three people, but the more we get the better the chance of them accepting our club?" Elliot asked as he leaned over the shop's malt bar and grabbed a drink. "That's right. You meet anyone today you could invite?" "Let's... Just say I'm not going to be of much help in recruiting, if today was any indication." He grimaced. "I'm sorry about that.." Catie mumbled and looked down. "If you were in our grade we would've-" "It's fine, don't worry about it." Elliot waved. "For now, we need to figure out how to get more members...?" "Yeah... Blake and I know other people, but we're not close with them at all. It's honestly a miracle we found you." Catie laughed nervously, then took a sip of her drink. "So... Is it possible to force people in?" Catie started to choke from the sip. As she finished coughing, she gave the younger teen a look of bewilderment. "What do you mean 'force'?! This isn't a fight club, you know!" "I do, but..." Elliot let his voice trail off as he nodded towards the door. "There are a few guys I could probably blackmail into joining coming in." Catie looked to see what her friend had motioned to, only to find three kids from their school, who Elliot seemed to know. "How do you know those guys? They're in my grade at school..." "Call them the Three Million Dollar Idiots." Elliot smirked, "They come in here all the time and hit on the girl that works here. They pay gratuitously, but... She's my cousin, and I know full well she doesn't appreciate the attention they give." "... Even so, you shouldn't blackmail them, you know. Force doesn't seem the right way to get people to join anyways." "Hrm... Well, how about this, then~?" ------- The fair blonde boy was the first to walk into the store, looking around. "Tsk, guess the candy girl's not here yet... Guess we'll wait." The tall teen muttered, then turned to his two companions who were lagging behind outside. "Fred, Cal, you two gonna take all day or what?" "Just give us a minute, Cal got his shoe stuck in a stormdrain. Again." The brown-haired boy sighed as he pushed the door open, and both he and his black-haired companion walked in. Fred stood a few inches shorter than his blonde friend, with light brown hair and eyes as green as shamrocks. He wore a jacket, t-shirt, and blue jeans, which gave him a very plain appearance."Sorry about that, Declan, those things really sneak up on you."Cal chuckled adjusted his collar. He was shorter than the other two, but also much darker in skin tone, as if he grew up on the shores of Italy. He wore a white button-up collared shirt with black slacks to match, and his black hair was spiky with flecks of orange in it, and his eyes were constantly closed. "Of course they do, Cal. Of course they do." Declan smacked his own face at the other pair and closed his bronze eyes in disgust. Before the white-suited teen could say another word, Fred had gone and sat next to Elliot at the malt bar. "Excuse me, but do I know you?" Fred asked Elliot, who then turned to face his speaker. Fred gulped as the boy began to speak, as he felt his heart throb slightly. "No, you don't" Elliot answered flatly. "So would you leave me and my friend alone to talk." Fred nodded and backed off, spooked by how he had reacted to the boy. He shook it off after a moment as he realized who the boy reminded him of. "Oh, are you related to Elizabeth?" ------- "Just watch," Elliot smirked to Catie once more then turned to face Fred. "Yes, I am. And if you can tell that by my looks... Are you one of those guys she complains about hitting on her all the time?" Fred froze with a sheepish grin covering his face. Elliot stared at him for a second, then looked over his shoulder at his companions buying something over at the register. "And I guess those are the other two she mentioned?" Elliot raised an eyebrow with disgust registered on his face. "W-well, that's... Um..." Fred rubbed the back of his head and his grin widened. "I didn't realize we were causing her trouble, so I'm sorry if..." Elliot cracked his knuckles as Fred backed off slowly, eventually backing into Declan. "So, which of you would be the leader?" Elliot glared at the trio as Catie stared from her seat, red as a tomato from embarrassment. Fred pushed Declan forward, and the fair boy spoke up. "I guess I am, why?" "I want you to get out of this store and stay out of it, or I'll be tempted to call the cops because of you three harassing Elizabeth." Elliot thumbed at his pocket, but Declan merely cocked his head. "Who?" Elliot grit his teeth and spoke through them, his voice deep and menacing. "Elizabeth the girl that works the counter here." "Oooh, the pretty candy girl! Yeah, no can do. You don't even have proof, do y-" Before Declan even finished his sentence, Elliot produced a picture of the very thing he was accusing them of. "However, I'm feeling... Generous today. I propose a tag duel between me and my friend," Elliot motioned to Catie at the bar, who waved then hid her glowing face. "If you two... Say, Fred and Declan was it? If you win, I get rid of the evidence. If my partner and I win, you three have to join the Duel Monster's club we're forming. Is that fair?" "They'll do it!" Cal piped up cheerily, simultaneously causing the color to drain from Fred and Declan's faces. The black haired boy smiled genuinely and pushed them forward. "You two have decks, and you're some of the best players I know, so you should just do this to clear your names, right~?" "Then it's settled. Just let me go confer with my teammate a minute, and you two should do the same." Elliot's smirk returned as he turned his back, and he walked back to the bar. "Sorry about the grand standing, but they're filthy rich and getting some high names on the club can only help, right?" Catie puffed up her cheeks before she spoke, but instead let the air out with a sigh. "I guess you're not wrong. I don't feel quite right about this, though..." "Trust me." Elliot reached out his hand and helped his partner up before fitting his D-Gazer on. "You two ready?" Cal flashed a thumbs-up, and the bewildered pair with him raised their disks and shook off their confusion. "Looks like we have to..." muttered Declan, before the virtual reality started up. ------- [DUEL START][DECLAN AND FREDERICK: 4000 LP][ELLIOT AND CADENCE: 4000 LP] The words and gauges appeared in the air as the 4 players drew their hands, and Declan drew a sixth. He shook off the remaining anxiousness and began his turn. "I set a monster and two cards to my spell and trap zones. I end my turn." Elliot nodded and drew his card for the turn. After a brief look at it, he placed a card on his field. "I normal summon Madolche Angelly [1000 ATK, Lv. 4]!" A red blob of jelly appeared in front of Elliot, before it formed itself into the shape of puzzle piece. As it sunk into the ground before him, a girl in white with long brown hair and a serene aura about her rose in its place with a warm smile on her face. "Then I tribute her with her own effect!" The angel put her hands together and prayed, before her entire body turned into jello feathers that landed on the ground in her place. "When I do, I can special summon one Madolche monster from my deck, and I choose Madolche Puddingcess [1000 DEF, Lv. 5]!" Once more, a jigsaw piece appeared in front of Elliot. This time, it had chocolate on the top and bottom of it, with gooey yellow pudding flecked with red and green in it. It sank into the ground, and as it did a blonde girl in white and red rose out of it with her tiara gleaming. As the summon settled, she crossed her arms in front of her face and a cherry popped out of her hair halfway. Elliot's eyes gleamed a little as the princess appeared, but he quickly shook it off. "Then I set two and end my turn." "I don't get it... Why didn't you attack?" Fred asked confusedly. "You dumbass!" Declan snapped. "The first three players of a tag duel can't attack on their first turn. Only the fourth player can." "Oh... I guess that makes sense." Fred drew his sixth card and immediately slapped it on the field. "I summon Naturia Cliff [1500 ATK, Lv. 4] and end my turn. Your turn, miss." Part of the floor cut itself into a rectangle, and Cliff popped out of it in front of his owner. It had red grass-like hair, strong eyes, and what appeared to be assorted fungi growing off of it. "It's Catie." She took her turn and drew one. "I activate Harpie's Hunting Grounds!" When she placed the field spell, the candy store disappeared, and a plateau appeared in its place. The players now stood high above the clouds with galefore winds. "Next, I normal summon my Harpie Queen [1900 ATK, Lv. 4] which activates the effect of Hunting Grounds! Whenever I summon a Harpie Lady, I must destroy one spell or trap card on the field, and Queen is treated as 'Harpie Lady' while she's face-up on the field or in the grave. In addition, while Hunting Grounds is face-up, all Winged-Beast type monsters on the field gain 200 ATK and DEF." The queen shot in from the sky as a green and white streak, immediately striking one of the cards in Declan's backrow. The set "Bye Bye Damage" was destroyed immediately, and Queen returned to its summoner's side as its attack changed from [1900] to [2100]. She didn't wear much, just enough to cover up what needed to be, and she had wings white as snow, with claws in place of hands and feet. Her green hair flowed softly in the strong wind. "Then I activate Elegant Egotist! If I control a Harpie Lady, I can special summon one from my deck! I choose Harpie Lady 2 [1300 ATK, Lv. 4], which activates my field once more!" This time, a green and red blur shot down and struck Declan's other set card with its claws. The red-haired harpy shot back to her owner and her queen, landing with a flurry of green feathers as she flapped her wings for balance. Her body was the same as her queen's, even the immodest clothing, but with a slightly smaller frame. Its attack edited as well, going from [1300] to [1500]. Declan cursed under his breath as the card the Harpie had hit, "Dust Storm of Gusto", blew up and went to the Graveyard. "Hopefully they don't have ways to get over us completely, because this could be bad..." "Then Harpie Queen attacks Naturia Cliff!" The humanoid creature lurched forward, claws primed on the cliff, but before it made contact the attack was frozen. "I activate my set Madolche Box!" Came Elliot's response. "I can return one Madolche card in my graveyard to my deck, shuffle, and draw a card, provided I control a Madolche monster the whole time! So I return Angelly and draw! And with no monsters in my grave, Puddingcess gains 800 ATK and DEF!" Elliot drew his card and Puddingcess edited itself from [1000 ATK] to [1800 ATK]. Once Box had resolved, the Queen sliced through Cliff, inflicting damage to the other team, sending them from [4000 LP] to [3400 LP]. "I activate Naturia Cliff!" Fred responded with a grin as the monster was destroyed. "Since you fell for it and destroyed it, I can now Special Summon a Naturia from my deck, and I choo-" "I activate Madolche Nights!" Elliot cut in, once more. "When a monster's effect is activated and I have no monsters in my grave, I can negate it! And then, If I control a Puddingcess, I randomly return a card in its owner's hand to the deck!" The area around Fred turned dark and still. "Nononononono" came friend's worried protests, before a large toy box rose from under him and shut him in and any noise he could make was silenced. A the box and the darkness faded, a card was missing from his hand and he had no new monster. "No matter!" Fred crowed, despite now having a slightly disheveled look. "I'm sure that Declan's set monster will do some good." "Harpie Lady 2 attacks Declan's set monster!" The second harpie shot forward with talons brandished. "When she attacks a monster with a FLIP effect and destroys it, it doesn't activate!" Fred paled as Declan's card flipped face-up, revealing a human girl with green hair and a drab cloak, and a marker with [400 DEF] appeared. As the harpie struck and killed the woman, Declan's graveyard flashed and he smirked. "When Winda, Priestess of Gusto is attacked and destroyed, I can special summon one Gusto tuner monster from my deck! I choose Gusto Gulldo [500 DEF, Lv. 3]!" A small green bird manifested on the board. It shielded its face with its wings, and it wore spiked green armor on its head and breast. One of its red eyes peeked out from between its wings as it settled. "Damn, was hoping it was a flip effect... I set 2." Catie pressed the button to end her turn with a sigh. Her head began to fall a bit, but Elliot called out to her. "Don't worry too much. You made the right play, even if it didn't work out." Catie smiled softly and nodded her thanks. She raised her head back up as Declan drew. "Now, I normal summon Musto, Oracle of Gusto [1700 ATK, Lv. 4]!" A cloaked man appeared before Declan, with dark green hair and beard. He held a gnarled wooden stick with a green gem embedded in it, which he waved immediately. Both Puddingcess and Declan's grave lit up, and a card flew from his grave to his deck, which shuffled itself. "Once per turn, Musto can shuffle a Gusto in my grave to my deck, and target 1 monster on the field. For the rest of this turn, that monster's effects are negated!" Elliot frowned as Puddingcess' stats fell back down from [1800] to [1000]. "Now, I tune my Gulldo and Musto together!" Musto turned transparent and then became four bright stars, while Gulldo turned into three rotating green rings. The stars lined up within the rings, and a bright light shot through them to fill the arena. "Come down grand rider and beast! Synchro Summon! Daigusto Eguls [2600 ATK, Lv. 7]!" The giant eagle flapped its wings and shrieked, as its rider pulled back on its reigns to keep it in check. Its entire body, bar its wings, were covered in green and silver armor, the silver emblazoned with the symbol of the Gusto. "Then, I activate Emergency Teleport! This quickplay spell allows me to special summon one Level 3 or lower Psychic-type monster from my deck! I special summon Pirika, Lineage of Gusto [1500 DEF, Lv. 3]!" A portal appeared in front of Declan, and a small girl flew out and landed gracefully. She wore a colorful green cloak that was too large for her, held a wooden staff with a bird carving and a blue gem, and had lime green hair that turned red on the ends. A green penguin sat on her head and squawked as she hit the ground with her staff. "When Pirika is normal or special summoned, I'm allowed to special summon one WIND tuner in my graveyard in defense. I choose Gusto Gulldo [500 DEF, Lv. 3]!" The small bird appeared once more, next to Pirika, with a shrill cry and wings blocking. "Now, I tune them both together!" Gulldo became three green rings once more, and Pirika turned into three bright stars. The summoning sequence repeated as Declan continued. "Come forth, mother blessed with the power of saviors! Synchro Summon, Daigusto Sphreez 2000 ATK, Lv. 6]!" A woman with the same hair color scheme as Pirika emerged from the light, eyes closed. She had a golden crown on her forehead with a blue jewel in the middle, with golden rings on her shoulders. She held a wooden staff with a larger blue jewel glowing softly, and had her hair flowing wildly behind her. She waved her staff and opened her piercing Magenta eyes. A small green light rose from the grave, and Sphreez' strong piercing gaze turned to a soft smile and look of love as the light returned to Declan's hand. "When Sphreez is synchro summoned, I can add one Gusto card from my grave to my hand! So return your daughter, Pirika! In addition, she can't be destroyed by battle, and any damage I would take from battles involving Gustos I control is dealt to you two instead! Now, Sphreez, attack Puddingcess!" Declan laughed confidently as Sphreez raised her wand. The wind whipped heavily around the tip before she flung the gathered wind at Puddingcess. The small dessert princess looked like she was about to cry, but a diamond-shaped dimensional rift swallowed Sphreez and her wind instead, while Elliot and Catie's life fell from [4000] to [2000] "I activate Memory of an Adversary!" Catie called out, "When my opponent's monster declares an attack, I can take damage equal to its attack, banish it, and during your team's next turn's End Phase it will be special summoned to my field!" "Dammit..." Declan muttered to himself, "Now do I go for damage and hope that Fred has a way to win... Or do I kill Puddingcess so that it's not a problem since it's negated... Agh, I have to go for the pudding. Eguls, destroy Puddingcess!" The master and beast shot forward and devoured the princess, who shrieked in terror as she was over taken. The moment she touched the graveyard, she returned herself to Elliot's deck. "You see, when a Madolche is destroyed by my opponent and sent to my grave, it returns to my deck." Elliot explained. Declan shrugged and set a card. As his turn ended, Eguls shrieked and flapped its wings. The wind it whipped destroyed Catie's set "Hysteric Party". "During my End Phase, Eguls can banish one WIND monster in my grave to destroy one set card. And now I end my turn." "Cocky bastard.... Draw!" Elliot drew his card and smiled. "Don't worry Catie, we've got this. I normal summon Madolche Magileine [1400 ATK, Lv. 4]!" A black topped and bottomed jigsaw appeared, with layers of blue fillings between. As it descended into the ground, a witch in purple rose from the ground, gripping her hat. A smug smile adorned her face as her green eye and purple eye gleamed. She had a hoop skirt, with green stripes with black suits on them, and a large fork for a broom, with whipped cream and madeleine pastries on the other end. She moved her purple hair from her face, then stabbed her fork into Elliot's deck, producing a card from it. "When she's normal summoned, I can add one Madolche monster from my deck to my hand, so..." Elliot took the card from the fork, "I choose Madolche Butlerusk. Then, I activate Double Summon! This spell allows me to normal summon twice this turn! I normal summon Butlerusk [1500 ATK, Lv. 4]!" A thin waffle-shaped jigsaw appeared, which spun and sunk into the ground like all others before it. As it disappeared, a swanky, brown-haired butler with a monocle rose in its place. "When Butlerusk is normal summoned, if I control another Madolche, I can add a field spell from my deck to my hand, so come here Madolche Chateau!" The butler poured the pitcher he held into a puddle, which shot the field back to Elliot. He caught it and immediately placed it on the board. "Sorry Catie, but I need to replace Hunting Grounds." Elliot looked to see Catie nod her approval, before he continued. As the field activated. a large cake and countryside of candy covered the arena, sending the plateau away. The cake looked to be made up like a castle, with fresh fruits, pastries, and candies adorning it. "Then I overlay my two Level 4 monsters! Behold..." A red portal formed and the two sweet toys went into it as slightly brown lights. As it spun faster and faster, it erupted, leaving yet another jigsaw. This time, it was much larger and made of opera cake and the edges were adorned with Easter eggs and small woodland animals and birds. As the jigsaw sunk, a throne with a silver-haired woman took its place. The woman wore a large, silver tiara, she had blue eyes with red irises, and she held a staff with a white jigsaw on the end. As the summon settled, two bright lights orbited her staff, each glowing softly with brown, and a bright twinkle filled Elliot's eyes. "Madolche Queen Tiaramisu [2200 ATK, R4; 2 Materials]! Then she gains 500 from Chateau, raising [2200] to [2700]! I immediately detach one material to target the Magileine and Nights in my grave. Magileine would normally return to my deck for this, but Chateau returns her to my hand instead, and-" "Hold it!" Declan called out. "I know a little about her, and I'm not taking the brunt of this! I activate my set Damage Diet! This turn, all damage Fred and I take is halved!" Tiaramisu waved her staff and one of the materials shot into it as she detached. Magileine shot back to the hand as a purple orb, while Nights shuffled itself back, and Eguls was turned into a mountain of pudding that was immediately blown away. "Now, Tiaramisu, attack directly!" The queen pointed her staff at Declan and giggled. As the noise echoed, many stuffed candy-and-pastry-themed woodland creatures appeared and began to gnaw on Declan. Elliot laughed as the gusto player fell to the ground, writhing to get the animals off, as his team's life fell from [3400] to [2050]. "Then I set one and end. Let's see you recover from that." "Guess it's my turn then, not that I've done much this game..." Fred grimaced and drew his card. "Maybe now I can do something... I normal summon Naturia Pumpkin [1400 ATK, Lv. 4]! As Fred spoke, a vine grew out of a crack in the cookie pavement, and a small fruit began to grow, speeding up and growing faster until a full-blown green pumpkin was sitting there, smiling contentedly. It yawned wide and grabbed a flower, but as it reached its head broke open, making its stem and the equivalent of hair fall off of its head. As it reached up to feel the missing section, it lit up bright. "Then its effect activates, allowing me to special summon a Naturia Monster from my hand when it's normal summoned, as long as my opponent controls a monster! I choose the Naturia Tulip [1500 DEF, Lv. 2] in my hand!" A seed shot from the Pumpkin's head, landing in the same crack it had come from. Slowly, a flower grew out of the hole, twisting upward until it finally bloomed. The flower jumped off of its stem and knelt next to the pumpkin. It's crystal blue eyes stood out against its ruby red skin, as it smiled gently. "Then, I tune my two monsters together! Let's go!" Tulip jumped up and became a pair of green rings while Pumpkin split into four bright stars with a slightly brown tint. They formed the familiar circuit as the light filled the arena. "Descend, great dragon of the east! Synchro Summon! Naturia Barkion [2500 ATK, Lv. 6]!" A long, coiling dragon appeared out of the light, wrapping itself around Fred in a wide circle before roaring at its opponents. "Now Barkion, devour Harpie Queen! Don't even try to stop him with a trap, because you can't!" The beast roared once more, and it was upon the queen in an instant. A single bite of its strong jaws shattered the queen and sent her to the graveyard, making Elliot and Catie's life points fall from [2000] to [1400]. "Then I set one, and end my turn." Fred grinned wide as he felt he'd won them a lead. "Between Barkion and my set Exterio's Fang, they shouldn't be able to make a comeback... It's almost a perfect lockdown!" "Dammit Fred! You forgot something really important" Declan quietly spat at his partner. He saw the smile that hit Catie's face as Fred ended so innocently, and knew it was over. "Remember my trap card? Memory of an Adversary? Well now, I get Sphreez!" The ground net to the remaining harpie lady opened up in the same dimensional rift that had swalled the Daigusto earlier. Sphreez rose out of it, her eyes shut tight, and landed gently after the rift sealed itself. She remained stoic as Catie began her turn. "Alright, draw! I normal summon Harpie Lady 1!" Catie announced. The red-violet haired harpie landed next to her sister, the two back to back. "Here goes nothing..." her thoughts echoed, "Hopefully one copy is enough..." A red vortex appeared in front of the sisters, who had decided to dive in before they were even converted to energy. As they can into contact with the swirl, they shattered into pieces, with only a slightly green orb left behind for both of them, which the vortex swallowed. "Now I overlay my two Harpie Ladies! Xyz Summon! The blade of the heavens, Lightning Chidori [1900 ATK, R4; 2 Materials]!" A blade shot down from the sky like a bolt and embedded itself in the cookie crust floor in front of Catie. She reached forward and grasped the blade's hilt, and the moment she came into contact a shrill cry filled the air. Orbs of light with a tint of green began to orbit it, and storm cloud began to grow above the cake castle. Then lightning rained down and struck Fred's set card, returning it to the bottom of his deck. "By overlaying two Level 4 WIND monsters, I can summon Chidori. And when I do... it returns one face-down card my opponent controls to the bottom of their deck! But that's not all!" Catie grabbed the sword, mustered all of her strength, and yanked it from the ground, holding it straight up. One of the creature's materials stopped orbiting it, and instead entered it. The sky above Catie roared, sending a bolt straight into the upturned blade. It began to pulse with the energy within it as a single material orbited it. "Once per turn, I can detach one Xyz Material from Lightning Chidori... And when I do, it returns one face-up card on the field to the top of its owner's deck! Goodbye, Barkion! Heaven's Strike!" Catie swung the blade down hard, and an electric ring shot out from it, locking itself around Barkion's neck. It spun fast and shocked the dragon until it reverted back to a card, which was then thrown back to the Extra Deck by the ring. "This is the end! Sphreez, attack Declan!" The Daigusto opened her eyes suddenly, Sphreez' piercing gaze locked on her owner. She began to whip the very wind she had summoned before, with particles of light mixed in the wind. With a swing of her staff, the wind struck Declan, knocking him onto his back hard and causing the duo's life to drop from [2050] to [50]. "And now, the final attack! Lightning Chidori, attack Frederick directly!" Catie threw the blade at her opponent, and a spectral form covered it in the form of a plover. The bird shrieked loud as it shot through the opponent, and the force threw Fred back and reduced his team's life to [0]. "Good game~" [DUEL END][WINNERS: ELLIOT AND CADENCE] ------- "Goddammit Fred, why didn't you plan for a monster?" Declan scolded his partner after the game. Cal stood beside them laughing as Fred tried to explain, and a happy Catie and Elliot stood watching. "Y'know..." Catie whispered, "They don't seem like bad guys or players, just seeing them act like this with each other..." "I guess not... I mean, I guess being lecherous doesn't immediately damn one to hell, per se." Elliot shrugged. Catie stepped forward and offered her hand to the trio. "Sorry about Elliot's... Brash tactics. He really did have the best at heart, I promise. I'm Cadence Wright. I've seen you guys at school but never met you personally." "Oh right... You're the girl that's always with Blake, right?" Declan asked, a sly smile coating his mouth. "Say, Cadence was it? How would y-" Declan saw a dark glare from Elliot, over Catie's shoulder, and cleared his throat. "Like to be teammates with us? I know we're obligated to join now, but I'd love to know what you think." He smiled sheepishly. "Just Catie, please..." She smiled, and shook Declan's hand before turning to the other player. "And you're Frederick?" "Fred. My full name's a bit..." "Over the top!" Cal chimed in cheerily. "Er, yeah, over the top..." Fred shook her hand, sheepish smile ever present. "And that's Calvin, an old friend of ours." "Or you could call me Cal. Sounds better." Catie shook the tan boy's hand as well, then took a step back. "It's nice to meet you all. Again, I'm really sorry about Elliot..." "Don't worry about it. Momentai," Cal replied. "Momen... What?" "Nothing, just ignore Cal," Declan grimaced. "Anyways, we should probably go. If we're all in this club, we'd probably let our other friend know... He may want to join, too. Let's go, guys." "Alright, just meet us back here after school tomorrow, alright? We'll go over more about the club and forming it then." Catie waved as Declan walked out and he gave a thumbs-up. Fred finished apologizing to Elliot, who sighed and shook the apologetic teen's hand, while an amused Cal started to walk out behind Declan. "Sorry again," Fred winced and ran out after his companions, who waved to Catie and shot a quick glare at Elliot. "So, when's Blake supposed to get here, exactly? It's already almost five." Elliot asked. "Right here, Elliot." Blake said as he walked in. "Guess we got some new members or something?" "That's right!" Catie chimed in. "While I disagree with how... We won't go into that... We do have some fairly willing new members. Three to be exact!" "That's great!" Blake beamed and hugged his childhood friend, who returned it heartily. Elliot smiled at the scene, but didn't say a word. "It's better this way." "Anyways..." Blake cleared his throat, "Ms. Maddie said all we have to do is fill out the paperwork and try to get as many members as possible before we turn it in. We have 3, and did I hear those three mention something about another?" "Potentially," Elliot replied. "We'll see him soon if he wants to. If not, oh well, we don't need unwitting participants, even if they look good on paper." "Right you are. So, who wants some floats? On m-" "Beat you to it, bud." Elliot snickered. "I get stuff for free, provided I don't abuse my privileges." "You what?!" Elliot and Catie laughed at their friend's overreaction as Elliot served him a drink. The group stayed there for another couple hours, discussing life and just getting to know one another better. When closing time came, the duo waved goodbye to Elliot and headed home together once more, returning warm homes. ------- "... You guys were hitting on a girl, got caught, and now you're being forced to join a club for Duel Monster's... And you're not upset about this?" The fourth boy asked, squeezing his brow. "Well, we lost fair and square. Isn't it right to follow up on our promise, Eli?" Fred asked with genuine confusion. "No, it is... It's more just how much of sheep you three can be." Eli frowned and squinted. "Well, I guess I should probably try to join as well, at least until I get a girlfriend..." "Oh come on Ellie, you know you're the last one of us that'll ever get laid. You don't even try." Declan commented with a hand flair. "Dammit Declan, Eli. I told you to stop using that name. And I didn't know respecting women was bad... Wait, I'm not getting into that argument again." Eli sighed and ran a hand through his chocolate-colored hair. He looked out the window of the restaurant the four were at, with his obsidian eyes locked on the setting sun. "So, it's at that candy shop you three frequent for some awful reason?" "Yeah, that's where they said to meet. Why?" Fred cocked his head as Cal stuffed his face. "Hrm... Well, let's see if it's worth joining tomorrow." ------- "Are those three ever gonna get here?" Blake asked, then stretched out in his chair at the bar with a yawn. "We've been waiting for ages." "They had better. They have every reason to." Elliot scowled at the clock on the wall. "Let's... Just give them a few, alright? Don't worry!" Catie tried to maintain a hopeful complexion. The shop's bell finally rang about 20 minutes after, with Eli in the lead. "Sorry for the wait," The teen began, "The other three were lagging behind for assorted reasons, so I just decided to head here before them. Who's the proposed captain?" "I am," Blake raised his hand. Eli looked to see the raised hand, before he broke out in laughter. "And here I was thinking they lost to some random idiots. At least it's someone intelligent, eh Blake?" "If you say so, Eli." Blake stood up and shook Eli's hand, a smile on his face. Catie smiled as she watched the two boys speak, while Elliot slowly got closer to Catie. "They know each other?" "Yeah, Eli's an old friend of ours. He's just... Not been around much in high school after school because he's been interning for his dad. He's not as well off as Declan, but his family's still really wealthy." "You don't say..." "Anyways, I'm not just going to join, even so, Blake." Eli continued. "Oh? Then what's the condition for you joining?" A grin broke out on the blue-haired boy's face. "Take a wild guess." Elliot raised his disk and put on his gazer, and Blake followed suit. "Fine by me! I'll show you what you've been missing the last few years!" "Duel!" Both teens announced, while Catie and Elliot got comfortable. To be continued...[/spoiler]Decklists and the OP will be updated shortly! Comments, criticisms, enjoy please~ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bahamut - Envoy of the End Posted February 15, 2014 Report Share Posted February 15, 2014 Just ducking in with a few comments. Well that explains the cross-dressing. That Elliot kid seems... odd. It's like he doesn't really get how society works or anything, as he doesn't seem to see blackmail as anything wrong. Not like saying Tokunosuke who knows he's being a sneak, he just comes across to me at least as being 'this is what I'm doing... what do you mean that's not okay? I don't understand'. You know what I mean? In fact everyone's reactions to it were kind of weird. Catie put up a little protest, but not much. I'd have thought she'd have said something along the lines of not wanting people in the club just cuz being blackmailed'. The gang don't really get angry at first either, a little weirded out and obviously they feel that they have to do what they can to get stuff deleted, but a few threats would have been nice. But then again they're made to come across as alright guys at the end. So that's nice; we end up with just a nice friendly tag duel between four good guys and girls with slightly dubious personality traits duelling over some harrassment and blackmail setup, no big deal. We'll laugh it off later now we're all one big club. Ah ha ha ha... I'm not gonna lie and say I'm exactly riveted by this story line. :unsure: My other comment was not being entirely sure about the deck choices or whether I missed something. Madolche and Harpies were fine... just Gusto and Naturia didn't seem right for those guys. Dunno what I was expecting since they weren't the gang of thugs I intially thought they'd be, but I dunno. The customs fitted in well and didn't really notice them, they passed off as reasonable and didn't jar with reading at all. Something could be said for when it comes to more high stakes duels about getting lower LP and potential finishing attacks, but it didn't matter much here. So... yeah... I'm still kinda on the fence at the moment, more than before. Just feels like it's just missing something in the story that really grabs attention and makes me demand the next chapter from you right this second for me to keep reading. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.