L0SS Posted January 30, 2014 Report Share Posted January 30, 2014 In lieu of any actual music (working on it), some feedback on my lyrics would be appreciated, as I hate actually physically showing them to people in real life. You'll notice a psychedelic leaning, usually relationship orientated. Not all are finished, but I'll update this accordingly. Any level of feedback is welcomed with open arms. [spoiler='Seeing in Sepia']I’m mixing a brew of distilled passion. Please take a sip with those ruby lips, I promise there’s nobody watching.They all left the room in an orderly fashion. When you sit dead still I can see the light catching, your sea-blue eyes When we’re together it’s like I’m seeing in sepia, we’re a part of this wonderland theatre. I can see that the show’s drawing near the end. I can see that you’re drawing on the confusion. I’m like an interstellar magician. Please don’t strain too intently with those tear-drop ears, or else you’ll forget how to listen. I want to set off your heart with some nuclear fission. Please peer in deep because I’m on a mission, there’ll be secrets and lies. When we’re together it’s like I’m seeing in sepia, we’re a part of this wonderland theatre. I can see that the show’s drawing near the end. I can see that you’re drawing on the confusion. I’m casting a light on this grandiose deception. Please get behind me with those silky hands and be a part of the prevention. To scare you was not my original intention. When we’re together I can feel the tension, and cut it with a knife. When we’re together it’s like I’m seeing in sepia, we’re a part of this wonderland theatre. I can see that the show’s drawing near the end. I can see that you’re drawing on the confusion. I’m casting a net of pure sensation. Please run alongside me with those drop-dead legs, and let’s vent our pent up frustration. I can feel myself on a constant rotation. We must both be feeling this sense of elation, and I won’t ask you twice. [/spoiler] [spoiler='Unfinished']She’s caught in a dance of despair, but her energetic air has done something to enhance her beauty. And I’m enchanted by the way she seems to consistently move me. And every time she talks, the white-hot beams of thought pass straight through me. She’s spinning a web of deceit, and the boys at her feet have done nothing to receive her attention. And I’m receptive of the way she constantly tries to return my affection. And whenever she glares, the lightning trails of intent come towards my direction. And she’s as relentless as a bull-dozer. A relationship with her is a bit like time-travel, except it lasts much longer. Fix me a drink but I think I need something stronger She’s biding her precious time, and they’re all waiting in line just to confirm her cruelty. And I’m conscious of the way she conformingly finds time to use me. And when she turns to leave, the pulsing steps of her unease make me go crazy. [/spoiler] [spoiler='Cosmic Biscuit Tin']Dive in to my cosmic biscuit tin. My one-a-penny, pun-heavy jokes have started to wear thin. I can see you’re getting hungry and eager to begin. I’m setting out the rules. My rather sorry, scumbag story should get you in the groove. It’s not too hard to tell that you want to acquire these moves. I want to shut you up, because you just put me down. I don't always see the point, of having you around. But if you step inside, come see what I have found. Drive in to my seaside beach resort. Your overly stressed god-complex has been my only thought. I can see you’re getting nowhere and allow me to retort. I’m lifting up my game. My rather puny, backstreet conscience should make my position plain. It’s not too hard to tell that you desire me all the same. I want to shut you up, because you just put me down. I don't always see the point, of having you around. But if you step inside, come see what I have found. I want to shut you up, because you just put me down. I don't always see the point, of having you around. But if you step inside, come see what I have found. I’m opening the door. My rather dreary, heart-felt theory should prove that you don’t love me anymore. It’s not too hard to tell that you’ve heard it all before. [/spoiler] [spoiler='Bonfire Butterscotch']She tastes like bonfire butterscotch, with fire on her lips. Makes like a siren, out of touch, with all that exists. With all the panache of a film-star, she moves in for a kiss. Like playing a blood-red Stratocaster, the right notes are hard to miss. And in her mind’s eye, those people on the outside can’t understand why. She doesn’t try, to rearrange the telling facts of her jigsaw-puzzle life. She moves like a dance-hall predator, a tingle between her toes. Approaches like a love-laced messenger, and everybody knows. With the audacity of a dream-weaver, she keeps herself composed. The world’s best kept secret, and time and space just slows. [/spoiler] [spoiler='Caricature Clown']You think you’ve made a fool of everyone, but really the humiliation has just begun. And I’ve just had a tantalising taste, of your fall from grace. I can’t help but lick my lips whenever I see your face. You think you’ve reduced it all down, when really you’re a caricature clown. And I’ve just felt a monumental shift, the scale of a continental drift. I can’t help but step right back when you walk on in. And when did your street-light patter, become such a laughing matter? Should I change the subject matter? It’s a case of mind-over-matter. And when did you debonair air, become such a dull affair? Here, there, and everywhere. Here, there, and everywhere. You think you’ve made a fool of everyone. X3 And you’re not wrong. You think you’ve made a fool of everyone, but really the humiliation has just begun. And I’ve just had a tantalising taste, of your fall from grace. I can’t help but lick my lips whenever I see your face. -solo- And when did your street-light patter, become such a laughing matter? Should I change the subject matter? It’s a case of mind-over-matter. And when did you debonair air, become such a dull affair? Here, there, and everywhere. Here, there, and everywhere. You think you’ve made a fool of everyone. X3 And you’re not wrong. You think you’ve reduced it all down, when really you’re a caricature clown. And I’ve just felt a monumental shift, the scale of a continental drift. I can’t help but step right back when you walk on in. You think you’ve made a fool of everyone. X3 And you’re not wrong. [/spoiler] [spoiler='Dining Room of Dissonance']Trying to discern the future through a clouded crystal ball. A sentimental venture with no purpose anymore. A heavy-handed gesture wrapped up in a metaphor. Thought expanding wisdom through a mirrored looking glass. A dark and dreadful chasm which you simply cannot pass. A translucent phantasm that has finally been unmasked. Sit in the dining room of dissonance and feast upon my words. Close your mouth when you’re eating so all my words are heard. Remember your etiquette, don’t start until all the quests are served. [/spoiler] UPDATED: Comments appreciated. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Umbra Posted January 30, 2014 Report Share Posted January 30, 2014 I'm getting a pretty heavy Across the Universe vibe from these - like you said, psychedelic - but could you give some example of how it's supposed to be sung? Like, a small sample of one of the songs, just to get the feel of it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
L0SS Posted January 30, 2014 Author Report Share Posted January 30, 2014 I'm getting a pretty heavy Across the Universe vibe from these - like you said, psychedelic - but could you give some example of how it's supposed to be sung? Like, a small sample of one of the songs, just to get the feel of it. I can, just not right now. Probably tomorrow, and I also some have ideas for chords which I'll post, too. Across the Universe (if we're talking about the song and not the film, although the film is also Beatles songs anyway so either way my point still stands) was a heavy influence on my writing style, as I think it's lyrically absolutely something else. I'm in love with some of the poetry in there, and that's what I wanted to get across here, but in a more grounded, real-world setting. I think I need to working on spinning a more compelling narrative in my songs. Thanks! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Umbra Posted January 31, 2014 Report Share Posted January 31, 2014 Yeah, I was more thinking the song than the film, which is great in and of itself. I'm just having trouble hearing a melody for this. Feels more like spoken word. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
L0SS Posted February 11, 2014 Author Report Share Posted February 11, 2014 Bumping due to update. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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