Blood Blood Posted January 11, 2014 Report Share Posted January 11, 2014 'Mother, no!' 'Your mother is no more!' 'Mother! Mother!' The words were ringing in her head, so long had passed since it happened. She had failed her mother, if only if she had won that duel that day, then her mother would still be with her. She vowed that from that day on she was going to win all the duels she dueled in, or her life would be meaningless. Now, she was about to be up against the best duelist in the city, Blood Blood. "Are you gonna sit there thinking or duel!?" shouted Blood Blood. She said nothing. "Come on! Duel or get lost!" Blood Blood snickered. She still said nothing. "Afraid you're gonna lose! Your silly vow is about to fade away." That angered her, she got up and punched Blood Blood into a traffic light. She smashed his head against it and threw him onto the road. "LET'S DUEL!!" she said. "No, you're crazy, y-you almost k-killed m-m-me!" "So you're chickening out of a duel," she said. "N-never, let's duel Belle!" BELLE: 4000 BLOOD BLOOD: 4000 "Wait, why only 4000 LP?" asked Blood Blood. "Because I don't have time for an 8000 LP duel!" she said, "I draw! I activate Meteor of Destruction! Which inflicts 1000 damage to you! Then I set a monster face-down and end my turn!" BELLE: 4000 BLOOD BLOOD: 3000 "I draw! And I draw just what I needed! I activate Dark Hole!" "No my Marshmallon!" "Marshmallon? That's a nice card. I activate Monster Reborn to Special Summon it. Now I summon Feedback Warrior! I overlay my two monster to summon Leviathan Dragon (ATK 2000)! By detaching a material I can make my dragons ATK 2500! Attack her directly." "I summon Battle Fader!" "I end!" BELLE: 4000 BLOOD BLOOD: 3000 "I draw! I tribute Battle Fader to summon Frostasaurus (ATK 2600)! Then I activate Fissure to destroy your dragon! My dinosaur! Attack him directly!" "NO!" "I end!" BELLE: 4000 BLOOD BLOOD: 400 "I don't know what to do now, I have nothing strong in my hand, I set a monster face-down and end." BELLE: 4000 BLOOD BLOOD: 400 "I draw! I summon gene-warped warwolf (ATK 2000)! Destroy his face down my wolf!" "No! My Inpachi (DEF 1900)!" "Finish him Frostasaurus!" BELLE WINS! "You're supposed to be the best in the city... you're nothing!" "You didn't beat me 10 years ago!" "What do you mean 10 years ago?" "When I killed your mother, Belle, when I killed your mother." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
coolspy74 Posted January 11, 2014 Report Share Posted January 11, 2014 Ok. One thing. when that dragon attacked her directly, her life points didn't decrease. Was there a trap I overlooked? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blood Blood Posted January 11, 2014 Author Report Share Posted January 11, 2014 Ok. One thing. when that dragon attacked her directly, her life points didn't decrease. Was there a trap I overlooked? you overlooked battle fader Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
legendhiro Posted January 22, 2014 Report Share Posted January 22, 2014 Wow, just...wow. Is this it, or did you just not finish the chapter yet or something? I'm not trying to be offensive or anything, I really want to know, because from what I can tell there are only twenty lines of story in this chapter, from the start to the point when Belle (I'm assuming it was Belle anyway) says that she only has time for a duel using 4000 LP, and the last four lines where Blood Blood (really?) reveals that he killed Belle's mother. Aside from a brief description of why Belle duels so hard and seriously nothing is explained. No other backstory on either of the characters introduced here is given, or even suggested, neither is described aside from Belle's gender, and the duel serves no purpose. In a story like this the duels are there for one of two reasons, narratively speaking, aside from the fact that it's a Yu-Gi-Oh! story. Either the duel is there to entertain, or it is there as a framing device for revealing something about one or more of your characters, or some combination of the two. Since no dialogue was exchanged during the duel that wasn't related to the duel, neither character learned anything about the other aside from what cards they use (which I guess could count as a reveal in such an early chapter, maybe), and since there was no description of anything that happened during the duel and the duel itself only took [i]fourteen[/i] (short) lines to tell, it wasn't very entertaining. Maybe if, during the duel, Belle had recognized Blood Blood either by his cards, his appearance, or his attitude as the man who killed her mother it would have had a purpose, but this still would habe necessitated some description of events. I'm assuming that these characters are playing on some kind of Duel Disk or the like, since this seems to be a world where duels can be life or death, like in the anime, and if this is the case there would be plenty to describe. Of course I don't know this for sure because you didn't tell us anything about your world. Hell, we don't even know why these two are dueling, just that Belle has to go up against him because...bluh. I have no idea what it is that you were trying to accomplish by writing this. I'm sorry if anything I've said is offensive, I really don't mean it to be, because whether you wrote this for yourself, to share, to impress others, or whatever, everyone has room to improve if they have the patience and the willingness to do so. If I could only give you two words of advice it would be "reason" as in "what is the reason for what's happening?", and "describe", as in "describe things!" If you continue with this, I hope you keep these things in mind. ~Legendhiro Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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