Need help with continuing this...

[Dark Strawberry]

Okay, so some time ago I had started writing my own Yu-Gi-Oh fanfic with my own original characters but then I got stuck on how to continue the story. I have tried to create a plot for it but I've ended up discarding all my previous ideas because of how silly they seemed. Here's what I've done so far, any ideas for where to go with this would be greatly appreciated.

 

[spoiler=Here it is...]

The skies had darkened considerably and it was evident that a storm was brewing. Behind the windows of her classroom, seventeen year old Kelly Meadows looked out at the scenery outside. She had thought that she had seen a glimpse of something outside but she wasn't sure now. Kelly was a smart girl, the best student and best Duel Monsters player at the New Orders Institute of Learning. She had beautiful blonde hair tied back into a ponytail, her eyes radiated an enchanting green and her face was as innocent as a dove. She was dressed in her school uniform, which consisted of a blouse, a short skirt and thin black tights wrapped around her legs. 

 

A silver heart necklace dangled around her neck as she fondled with it while looking out the classroom window. She sat with her palm to her chin and her legs folded, it was dull in the classroom so her attention had been diverted. In a moment class would end and they would have to go down to the assembly hall where they were going to give a memorial speech for a teacher that had passed away yesterday. Kelly never understood why people grieved over other people dying. To her, death was commonplace and something she had accepted a long time ago. She saw no need to remorse over someone passing away. People died everyday, so why should it concern her? At least, that's what she thought.  

 

Kelly was seated at a window seat, giving her a perfect view of the scenery outside. Not that it ever cured her boredom, but it did help her deal with it. It began to pour down heavily, the loud hammering sound of the rain against the window was almost deafening. At that moment, the bell rang and everybody stood up simultaneously as the teacher reminded everyone about the assembly. Kelly packed her notebook away and began to head out of the classroom.

 

"Kelly! Kelly wait up!" Kelly turned round towards the source. It was Clover. Clover Faye was the only duelist to have ever even come close to beating Kelly in a duel and they had only ever dueled once. Since then, Clover had continuously tried to befriend the rather stoic Kelly. Why Clover even bothered to talk to her was beyond Kelly. 

 

"It's pretty sad that Mr. Rodriguez had to die, don't you think?" Clover said.

"Not really." Kelly replied in her usual cold manner.

"You don't care that someone died?"

"Why should I? People die everyday, you don't see this school mourn about them."

"Yeah but you can't expect people to mourn for everyone. Especially if you don't even know their name, when they died or that they even died to begin with."

"True." Kelly didn't say anything else after that, she simply continued to walk towards the assembly hall. Clover decided it was best to talk with Kelly later on instead. She had been trying to get closer to Kelly for a whole month now and she felt she was getting there. Despite how things looked, she was certain that Kelly considered her to be her friend. 

By the time the assembly had ended the rain had stopped and the skies were clearing up. Kelly and Clover were walking home together, they lived right next door to each other and they were almost halfway home. None of them had spoken a word since leaving school. Clover wanted to break the silence but she wasn't sure how. 

Kelly's been awfully silent, but then again, this is normal for Kelly. She's always trying to put on a tough front. I wonder why. Hmm...maybe I can ask her for a duel.

 

Duel Monsters was the probably the only game that Kelly played and actually enjoyed. It was a popular card game, previously called Magic and Wizards until a copyright claim caused them to change the name. Now it was known simply as Duel Monsters and boy, was it popular. Thanks to technology originally developed by the Japanese company KaibaCorp, the game had evolved from a normal card game to card game where users could use equipment known as "Duel Disks", which according to some scholars may be based on an Egyptian artifact called a "DiaDhank". Duel Disks are essentially a portable form of a Dueling Arena, they allow duelists to duel anywhere, anytime. They contain a hologram generator which enables Duel Monster cards to manifest into lifelike holograms. It was a thrilling sensation and the popularity of the game had spread from Japan to all over the world. 

 

"Say Kelly, do you want to duel at my place?" She asked. 

"Why? Didn't you lose to me last time we played?" Kelly replied.

Why does she never agree to a rematch?

"Yeah but what if I win this time?"

"Impossible. No-one can beat me." 

"Aw, come on. It'll be fun. Besides, it's not like you have anything else to do."

"I see no reason to duel someone I've defeated before."

"You know you want to." Clover said in a teasing tone. Kelly knew she wanted to duel, but at the same time, she wasn't sure about dueling anyone she had beaten before. She never really considered thought it would be worth her time since the result would just be the same. However, Clover was persistent. She had been nagging Kelly for a month trying to be her friend, Kelly wasn't sure why, but today she decided to accept Clover's proposal.

"Alright, let's duel."

[/spoiler]

[Blood Blood]

They should duel, Clover should be winning then Clover notices Kelly cheating to win the game there's a big argument, Clover storms off and tells the teachers, the teachers ask Kelly whether she always cheats, she says yes and Kelly is expelled.

[Bahamut - Envoy of the End]

Hi.

 

Well first of all, it's great to see another new face around here trying their hand at fanfiction writing. You brave, optimistic... poor, unfortunate soul, you have not got the slightest idea what you are letting yourself in for! :)

 

All encouragement aside, I know it's hard to get real good critical analysis, and to be honest I'm not the greatest for supplying that, but I'm going to try and support any new writer I can, so here goes.

 

First of, the first thing I'd say is the opening chapter, which I assume this isn't going to be the entirity of, needs a real hook of some kind. To often I've seen people post in response to critisism about the excitement or pace or whatever of the story with "Oh, but the plot begins up in the 4th/5th chapter..." Well those chapters could be the best written pieces in all existance; that ain't gonna matter a jot if everyone's got bored and stopped reading at Chapter 3. So you'll need something, anything to happen in this chapter, that grabs people by the throats and makes them want to read more. Nothing of such an ilk has happened yet, but that's fine from such a short extract.

 

Regarding plot, no idea is silly. Okay, some of them are. I have really bad ideas sometimes :) But you're going to need a plot sometime. My advice would be to start at the end, and just outline three points that make up what you want the story to be about. Just three points that cover the main three things in the story. For example; the plot of The Hunger Games in three points would be 1) Katniss survives an arena deathmatch in a post-apocolyptic future. 2) Try and juggle rapidly escalating state of upheaval without being killed, without being able to pick from a blindingly obvious choice of partners <_< 3) Unite all districts into overthrowing the Capital. Job done. Then it's just a case of joining the dots to get between these points. So if you have character's down, I'd maybe suggest thinking about your villians, what you want them to achieve, and how the heroes are going to stop them. Then it's just a case of building everything to that point.

 

As for the scene above, as stated, there's not much in way of action. The mood is morbid in quite a good way, and the descriptions of characters are about the right level of detail in enough without going into boggy insane nitty-gritty. Kelly comes across already as Mary-Sueish though. Coming right out the bat with stuff like "X was the only duelist to have ever even come close to beating Kelly in a duel" and "Impossible. No-one can beat me." is... well, not good. A lead character who is perfect is almost immediately dislikable, and Kelly's cold and rather aloof attitude doesn't help, and is better for a side character. If Kelly isn't the leading lady in all this and is actually a side-character being introduced before a real lead, that's fine, but if she is the lead... to be honest I'd be concerned. Clover seems... alright, not really enough on her to form an opinion yet.

 

I'd say the pacing is good, no detail of the assembly was needed and rightly skipped over, it just needs to be continued into something of substance to get it started and throw us into the plot.

 

I dunno if anything I've said helps, but if you need the odd word or suggestion or tip then fire away (emphasis on odd though). And anyway, nice to have another person hanging out here in CW and hope you enjoy your stay. Not gonna lie, writing can be endlessly frustating and unrewarding sometimes and there will be hard spells where you think 'why the hell am I doing this crap?', but if you believe in your story, do what you want to do and live it as an adventure, especially if you can bond with the characters you give life to, it is a very rewarding and breathtaking experience. Good luck :)

[legendhiro]

I see Skel posted, so I don't need to say anything. Well, except good luck, keep at it, and I'm open to PM's if you need advice.

 

In all seriousness, though, I really am not sure where it should go, and really its your story, so I wouldn't feel comortable telling you where I think it should go anyway, unless you want to make the story straight up collaborative, but if I think of anything I'll let you know anyway.

[Dark Strawberry]

I see Skel posted, so I don't need to say anything. Well, except good luck, keep at it, and I'm open to PM's if you need advice.

 

In all seriousness, though, I really am not sure where it should go, and really its your story, so I wouldn't feel comortable telling you where I think it should go anyway, unless you want to make the story straight up collaborative, but if I think of anything I'll let you know anyway.

 

Hi.

 

Well first of all, it's great to see another new face around here trying their hand at fanfiction writing. You brave, optimistic... poor, unfortunate soul, you have not got the slightest idea what you are letting yourself in for! :)

 

All encouragement aside, I know it's hard to get real good critical analysis, and to be honest I'm not the greatest for supplying that, but I'm going to try and support any new writer I can, so here goes.

 

First of, the first thing I'd say is the opening chapter, which I assume this isn't going to be the entirity of, needs a real hook of some kind. To often I've seen people post in response to critisism about the excitement or pace or whatever of the story with "Oh, but the plot begins up in the 4th/5th chapter..." Well those chapters could be the best written pieces in all existance; that ain't gonna matter a jot if everyone's got bored and stopped reading at Chapter 3. So you'll need something, anything to happen in this chapter, that grabs people by the throats and makes them want to read more. Nothing of such an ilk has happened yet, but that's fine from such a short extract.

 

Regarding plot, no idea is silly. Okay, some of them are. I have really bad ideas sometimes :) But you're going to need a plot sometime. My advice would be to start at the end, and just outline three points that make up what you want the story to be about. Just three points that cover the main three things in the story. For example; the plot of The Hunger Games in three points would be 1) Katniss survives an arena deathmatch in a post-apocolyptic future. 2) Try and juggle rapidly escalating state of upheaval without being killed, without being able to pick from a blindingly obvious choice of partners <_< 3) Unite all districts into overthrowing the Capital. Job done. Then it's just a case of joining the dots to get between these points. So if you have character's down, I'd maybe suggest thinking about your villians, what you want them to achieve, and how the heroes are going to stop them. Then it's just a case of building everything to that point.

 

As for the scene above, as stated, there's not much in way of action. The mood is morbid in quite a good way, and the descriptions of characters are about the right level of detail in enough without going into boggy insane nitty-gritty. Kelly comes across already as Mary-Sueish though. Coming right out the bat with stuff like "X was the only duelist to have ever even come close to beating Kelly in a duel" and "Impossible. No-one can beat me." is... well, not good. A lead character who is perfect is almost immediately dislikable, and Kelly's cold and rather aloof attitude doesn't help, and is better for a side character. If Kelly isn't the leading lady in all this and is actually a side-character being introduced before a real lead, that's fine, but if she is the lead... to be honest I'd be concerned. Clover seems... alright, not really enough on her to form an opinion yet.

 

I'd say the pacing is good, no detail of the assembly was needed and rightly skipped over, it just needs to be continued into something of substance to get it started and throw us into the plot.

 

I dunno if anything I've said helps, but if you need the odd word or suggestion or tip then fire away (emphasis on odd though). And anyway, nice to have another person hanging out here in CW and hope you enjoy your stay. Not gonna lie, writing can be endlessly frustating and unrewarding sometimes and there will be hard spells where you think 'why the hell am I doing this crap?', but if you believe in your story, do what you want to do and live it as an adventure, especially if you can bond with the characters you give life to, it is a very rewarding and breathtaking experience. Good luck :)

 

Thanks for the feedback! :) I'll be rewriting Kelly's character, I'm mostly struggling of thinking of a good plot that I can work with. I tried thinking of an ending but I'm still having a hard time, lol. But hopefully I'll get there. Just need some sort of inspiration. Again, thank you so much everyone for your help. It's greatly appreciated. :)

[Umbra]

Contrary to Skel's concern about Kelly, I wouldn't say it's inherently bad to have a very arrogant and self-important character take center stage in a story; Sherlock Holmes does so rather excellently. Combine the arrogance with Kelly's apparently callous disregard for human life, and you have some degree of sociopathy in your main character. If you haven't watched BBC's Sherlock already, you should. Not only because it's a great series, but the titular character has exactly the sort of personality that you seem to be aiming for with Kelly. 

 

EDIT: What you need to balance out Kelly's character is a "straight man"; a Watson to her Sherlock, someone to bring her down a few levels. Clover might be filling that role.

 

As for Clover, I only really have one thing to point out, and that's the lack of description. You went very in-depth when describing Kelly (which I suppose might be intentional, giving her inflated ego) but then only casually mentioned that Clover was a person that existed and dared approach Kelly's presence. It's only halfway down the chapter that we see that Clover is actually a girl. 

 

Other than that, I mostly agree with Skel's post. The chapter lacks a bit of a hook, something to make you interested in the story. Right now, we have two characters, talking, who are most likely going to play a card game at some point in the near future. Not too interesting, just off that.

[Dark Strawberry]

Contrary to Skel's concern about Kelly, I wouldn't say it's inherently bad to have a very arrogant and self-important character take center stage in a story; Sherlock Holmes does so rather excellently. Combine the arrogance with Kelly's apparently callous disregard for human life, and you have some degree of sociopathy in your main character. If you haven't watched BBC's Sherlock already, you should. Not only because it's a great series, but the titular character has exactly the sort of personality that you seem to be aiming for with Kelly. 

 

EDIT: What you need to balance out Kelly's character is a "straight man"; a Watson to her Sherlock, someone to bring her down a few levels. Clover might be filling that role.

 

As for Clover, I only really have one thing to point out, and that's the lack of description. You went very in-depth when describing Kelly (which I suppose might be intentional, giving her inflated ego) but then only casually mentioned that Clover was a person that existed and dared approach Kelly's presence. It's only halfway down the chapter that we see that Clover is actually a girl. 

 

Other than that, I mostly agree with Skel's post. The chapter lacks a bit of a hook, something to make you interested in the story. Right now, we have two characters, talking, who are most likely going to play a card game at some point in the near future. Not too interesting, just off that.

 

Thanks for the feedback. I watched the first 3 eps of Sherlock and I can see what you mean. He's pretty much how I envisioned Kelly's character but I think it'll be quite difficult to pull of in writing, since Sherlock's visual experience is just as good as its story telling experience. Also, with regards to the "bit of a hook", that's exactly the problem I've been trying to point out. I'm having trouble with thinking of a hook that will grab readers, or at least, grab my own attention.