Chronicles of Halmyr: The Emberstone

[Loyalist]

This is my first time writing a story and I am only 15 so please bare that in mind when reading this.

 

Note: "Halmyr" is the name of the world this is set.

 

[spoiler='Chapter 1']Chapter 1

Dusk. The sun resting on the horizon, its reflection dancing across the sea like a lone flame amidst the vastness of a bright blue desert. The air was cool, a soft breeze brushed gently against the cheeks of a solitary boy. His name was Eric. Wearing simple brown clothing, worn around the rim and torn in places. For the most part his clothes were clean but damaged to say the least. His gaze wandered into the inevitable twilight as stars lit like candles in the dark. Eric's hair was brown, his skin lightly tanned from labouring in the intense sun. His attention came to a large object in the sky. The same object that had always been there, never moving, never shifting. A large spherical form. It was impossible to know what it actually was but Eric's best guess it that it was made of metal, possibly a floating structure in the distance. Such things existed in the world, at least this one. Although he'd never seen such wonders he had heard many stories. Of course he was young. His naive mind always curious, wanting to know more about what lay across the azure seas but in the depths of his heart he felt content with his home. His parents became deceased long ago, that was what his adopted family had told him. He had come to like it here, settling on this small island, the waves climbed in vain at the cliff-side in which Eric sat. His mind withdrew from his thoughts as he realised how dark it had gotten. Lifting himself up and brushing himself down he walked hastily from the cliff, picking up a bucket of water and a rope. There was no well where he lived so he had to travel to the seaside for water but Eric did not mind, he liked it by the sea, the cool air, the radiant warmth of sunset, he was content.

Treading through the long grass, swaying slowly in the evening breeze. The sound of his footsteps were the only noise, except for the quite splashing of water from his bucket. The surrounding area was dotted with trees and greenery, a minute forest settling in the centre of the island, beyond it lay the only town, its ports were the source of its income, the ships that arrived brought wealth and tales of the outside world, tales of magnificent cities above the clouds and terrifying beasts that towered even the largest of buildings. Eric often spent time at the port, speaking to passing explorers of great variety. His home was not part of the town however. Instead he resided in a small dwelling that perched itself near the cliff side, sheltered within a small cluster of trees. Along the dirt path leading up to his home a burnt out fire consisting of black stained wood and warm ashes. A make-shift home, made from branches and twigs, far too small for an ordinary person. Then again the man who lived there was far from ordinary. A strange hermit hunched over. His “house” cluttered with obscure relics and stones, objects that would be considered junk to most were prized possession to this particular individual. He had lived there for as long as Eric could remember, always watching from a distance. He was short, no more than 5 feet tall. His aged face was pale and wrinkled. His eyes wide and unblinking, so much so that Eric compared them to that of an owls. Regardless Eric pressed on and ignored him. House in sight he rushed uphill to get there in time for dinner. He was so caught up in his thoughts that he'd nearly forgot how hungry he was.

His home was a small and comfortable place. Constructed from simple pieces of wood from the nearby forest. The house was old. Plants crawled up the side of the tiny house. There were no windows and only one entrance. A plain wooden door, slightly crooked from over the years but his family could not afford to repair it but at least it still worked. Eric put forward the palm of his hand, heaving bucket and rope in the other so that he could open the door. Inside was a little fireplace, a rough rug and a set of wooden chairs. Beside the fireplace a women bent over as she prepared some soup, heating it over the fire. The burning of timber was accompanied by the overwhelming aroma of the soup. Eric lay down the bucket in the corner of the room and sat beside the lady. She was old, well over her 50s.
“Where's Arthur?” Eric asked, warming himself against the fire.
“He went out hunting a few hours ago, he hasn't come back sinc-” The women coughed hard, gasping for breath.
Eric rushed to help her. “Your getting worse.” Eric retrieved a blanket from one of the cupboards and put it over her. “You keep warm, I'll find Arthur.” Eric launched himself up of the ground and headed for the door. “I'll be back. I promise.”[/spoiler]

[Aix]

Your age really doesn't matter. I'm 15 as well. Just take criticism as it comes and don't lose your head.

 

Dusk. The sun resting on the horizon, its reflection dancing across the sea like a lone flame amidst the vastness of a bright blue desert.

Dusk is when you can't actually see the sun any more, only the light. Also, at sunset, the sea wouldn't be blue, much less bright blue.

 

The air was cool, a soft breeze brushed gently against the cheeks of a solitary boy.

Just "solitary boy" sounds awkward, I would add something, maybe like "sitting at the edge of the cliff".

 

His name was Eric. Wearing simple brown clothing, worn around the rim and torn in places.

Should be "He wore simple brown clothing, worn around the rim and torn in places."

 

For the most part his clothes were clean but damaged to say the least. His gaze wandered into the inevitable twilight as stars lit like candles in the dark. Eric's hair was brown, his skin lightly tanned from labouring in the intense sun. His attention came to a large object in the sky. The same object that had always been there, never moving, never shifting. A large spherical form. It was impossible to know what it actually was but Eric's best guess it that it was made of metal, possibly a floating structure in the distance. Such things existed in the world, at least this one. Although he'd never seen such wonders he had heard many stories. Of course he was young. His naive mind always curious, wanting to know more about what lay across the azure seas but in the depths of his heart he felt content with his home. His parents became deceased long ago, that was what his adopted family had told him. He had come to like it here, settling on this small island, the waves climbed in vain at the cliff-side in which Eric sat.

Though if you do my earlier suggestion, remember to change this last sentence.

 

His mind withdrew from his thoughts as he realised how dark it had gotten.

Sounds weird since he was just observing the sky go black and now he suddenly comes to this realization. I'd have him simply remember that he should be heading back.

 

Lifting himself up and brushing himself down he walked hastily from the cliff, picking up a bucket of water and a rope.

EDIT: Lifting himself up and brushing himself down he walked hastily from the cliff, picking up his bucket of water and a rope.

 

There was no well where he lived so he had to travel to the seaside for water but Eric did not mind, he liked it by the sea, the cool air, the radiant warmth of sunset, he was content.

But... it's saltwater... why would you fetch saltwater?

 

Treading through the long grass, swaying slowly in the evening breeze.

Sounds like he's the one swaying, remove the comma.

 

The sound of his footsteps were the only noise, except for the quite quiet splashing of water from his bucket. The surrounding area was dotted with trees and greenery, a minute forest settling in the centre of the island, beyond it lay the only town, its ports were the source of its income, the ships that arrived brought wealth and tales of the outside world, tales of magnificent cities above the clouds and terrifying beasts that towered even the largest of buildings.

Avoid dragging out such a long sentence like this. I really must wonder how the ships bring wealth. You have to export something to gain money, imports cost money.

 

Eric often spent time at the port, speaking to passing explorers of great variety. His home was not part of the town however. Instead he resided in a small dwelling that perched itself near the cliff side, sheltered within a small cluster of trees. Along the dirt path leading up to his home was a burnt out fire consisting of black stained wood and warm ashes. A make-shift home, made from branches and twigs, far too small for an ordinary person. Then again the man who lived there was far from ordinary. A strange hermit hunched over.

Written like out of nowhere there is a strange-looking man who hunched over rather than the man being perpetually hunched over.

 

His “house” was cluttered with obscure relics and stones, objects that would be considered junk to most were prized possession to this particular individual. He had lived there for as long as Eric could remember, always watching from a distance. He was short, no more than 5 feet tall. His aged face was pale and wrinkled. His eyes wide and unblinking, so much so that Eric compared them to that of an owls. Regardless, Eric pressed on and ignored him.

Why, "Regardless"? There was no reason for him to stop anyway, so just say Eric ignored the weird old man.

 

His house in sight he rushed uphill to get there in time for dinner. He was so caught up in his thoughts that he'd nearly forgot how hungry he was.

His home was a small and comfortable place, constructed from simple pieces of wood from the nearby forest. The house was old. Plants crawled up the side of the tiny house. There were no windows and only one entrance. A plain wooden door, slightly crooked from over the years but his family could not afford to repair it but at least it still worked.

Don't use "but" more than once in a sentence.

 

Eric put forward the palm of his hand, heaving the bucket and rope in the other so that he could open the door. Inside was a little fireplace, a rough rug and a set of wooden chairs. Beside the fireplace a women bent over as she prepared some soup, heating it over the fire. The burning of timber was accompanied by the overwhelming aroma of the soup. Eric lay down the bucket in the corner of the room and sat beside the lady. She was old, well over her 50s.
“Where's Arthur?” Eric asked, warming himself against the fire.
“He went out hunting a few hours ago, he hasn't come back sinc-” The women coughed hard, gasping for breath.
Eric rushed to help her. “Your getting worse.” Eric retrieved a blanket from one of the cupboards and put it over her. “You keep warm, I'll find Arthur.” Eric launched himself up of the ground and headed for the door. “I'll be back. I promise.”

Why would he promise? It's kind of a given that he'll be back.

 

Anyway, to be honest, the long exposition at the beginning is a bit boring. Overall, barely anything happened in this chapter, you need more action or maybe a bit of wit during his pondering to keep the reader awake. Also next time, try to write a little more, this barely fits the section requirements.

[Loyalist]

Your age really doesn't matter. I'm 15 as well. Just take criticism as it comes and don't lose your head.

It kinda does since I lack proper education, you can blame my school for that. Moving me to a lower set full of retards, my previous English teach was actually quite upset since she new I was actually rather clever compared to most people in my year.

Dusk is when you can't actually see the sun any more, only the light. Also, at sunset, the sea wouldn't be blue, much less bright blue.

Ah I didn't actually know that. I just described the sea as bright blue because it is more of a clear see through colour at daytime but looked blue because of the sunset, originally I did have it as "dark blue".

Just "solitary boy" sounds awkward, I would add something, maybe like "sitting at the edge of the cliff".

It doesn't sound very awkward when I read it in my head but I suppose :s

Should be "He wore simple brown clothing, worn around the rim and torn in places."

Ok, I'll change that.

Though if you do my earlier suggestion, remember to change this last sentence.

Ok.

Sounds weird since he was just observing the sky go black and now he suddenly comes to this realization. I'd have him simply remember that he should be heading back.

Is there much difference? "Realise how dark it had gotten" -> "Remembered he should be heading back".

EDIT: Lifting himself up and brushing himself down he walked hastily from the cliff, picking up his bucket of water and a rope.

Fair enough, I do make mistakes.

But... it's saltwater... why would you fetch saltwater?

It's not for drinking really, more for washing stuff and if heated you can actually remove the salt (admittedly a tricky process).

Sounds like he's the one swaying, remove the comma.

Just realised, must have gotten carried away with those commas.

Avoid dragging out such a long sentence like this. I really must wonder how the ships bring wealth. You have to export something to gain money, imports cost money.

The port is their source of income. I never said they didn't export but I guess that wasn't clear. Not all the ships that arrive are importing, I said there were explorers etc passing by. These people often buy from the local shops and visit the inns, this gives the town money also.

Written like out of nowhere there is a strange-looking man who hunched over rather than the man being perpetually hunched over.

It is relevant to the story but I did mess up the punctuation there, he was meant to be hunched over already xD. No spoilers though, sorry.

Why, "Regardless"? There was no reason for him to stop anyway, so just say Eric ignored the weird old man.

Regardless of his glaring eyes staring at him O.O

Don't use "but" more than once in a sentence.

I didn't notice that when typing it, I'll try to word it differently.

Why would he promise? It's kind of a given that he'll be back.

It isn't that he doesn't want to come back but that (as you will soon find out in the next chapter) the woods aren't the safest place so he is promising that he will stay out of danger so that he can get back home.

Anyway, to be honest, the long exposition at the beginning is a bit boring. Overall, barely anything happened in this chapter, you need more action or maybe a bit of wit during his pondering to keep the reader awake. Also next time, try to write a little more, this barely fits the section requirements.

I'm not very witty :(