Admiral_Stalfos19 Posted December 24, 2013 Report Share Posted December 24, 2013 *Image Credit goes to Merciful Idiot for the main title. Background stuff was done by me* Early-Story Opening Theme: I'm With You, by Avril Lavigne Late-Story Opening Theme: Broken, by Seether ft. Amy Lee Ending Theme: Wanted You More, by Lady Antebellum As I said before, I was gonna make a PMMM fanfic that I was gonna call Puella Magi Takara Magica. Now though, after fighting through what spare time I could spare from Role-Playing, I've finally managed to write up the very first chapter for said fanfic! Obviously, I'm not expecting this to be the best PMMM fanfic ever, but it's the first one I've seen since I signed up to this forum (granted, I haven't seen a lot of fanfics during the three years I was here, since reading them is not my forte, but anyway). As I tried to do with my very first fanfic, I'll probably push on with this one regardless of any feedback or lack of it, but I'm more than willing to read any reviews and adapt to any of the good criticisms I receive. Well, "good" as in "that's a good point", obviously ^_^ But that's enough intro stuff: I present to you the very first chapter of the first PMMM fanfic to call itself remotely recent. [spoiler=Chapter 1: Nothing Comes to Mind]Takara Rumiko slowly stirred to life, and absorbed her surroundings for the first time in a long while. She was on a single mattress bed with white sheets, and to her side was a table, which had some daffodils set inside a jug of water on top. Takara also noticed curtains that were drawn and surrounded her... until they were pulled back by a woman wearing a lab-coat, and equipped with a stethoscope. “How are you feeling, Takara?” the woman asked. “I...” Takara paused in confusion, still unsure about this woman, “Uh... who are you? And how do you...? You know my name?” “Takara...! I'm your mother! And I'm the one that gave you your name in the first place!” Takara's eyed widened the moment she heard this. Here she was, having realized she made an innocent mistake, and she instead reacted as thought she made a cardinal sin. “M-...Mom?!” Takara yelped in shock, “I'm so sorry. I... how can I...?” “It's OK, I'm here. Good thing I insisted that I be assigned to look after you rather than the other doctors,” that said, Dr. Rumiko hugged her daughter tightly, before gazing straight at her eyes, “Honey, we've already determined you have amnesia, but... is there anything you remember, Takara? Anything at all?” “Well, I... um... I'm sorry, I've got nothing,” Takara looked away, this time catching sight of a mirror, “Hey! My eyes! There's something wrong with...! WHAT'S WRONG WITH MY EYES??!!” “You were born like that, dear,” “I...! I was?” “Yes, you were.” “But... they're not normal. They might've been if they were the same color, but...” “I... never thought I'd have to explain this again, but...” Dr. Rumiko exhaled a sigh in her pause, “...it's because you have heterochromia. It's a genetics thing; if there was anything wrong with it, I would've fixed it a long time ago. And I wasn't gonna let anyone risk blinding you in one eye to just to fix one little imperfection. It was never worth it to begin with, and it still isn't today.” “...but won't anyone think I'm a bit... weird-looking?” asked a nervous Takara “And why would they think that; because it's so rare?” Takara nervously chuckled at this. ... Three months later, Takara found herself walking to school with her mother. Here, Takara was practically exploring a whole new world within Sinatra City. None of the streets, none of the shops, none of the banks, none of the hotels, none of the people... none of it looked familiar, except a single girl. The girl was standing at roughly 5' 9” from what Takara could make out from the distance, and was wearing a simple white blouse and a simple red skirt. Her long, ocean blue hair flowed beautifully as the wind caught, and her whole body was so exquisite... Dr. Rumiko slapped Takara on the back of the head, which snapped her out of her trance. “Mooooom! Why did you do that for?” Takara asked as she rubbed the back of her head. “Just making sure you weren't chasing skirts is all,” Dr. Rumiko shrugged her shoulders as she said this, before putting her hands on her hips and adopting a jealous look, “Y'know that's the sort of things boys do.” Takara suddenly gasped, a red hue slowly consuming her face as the thought of 'chasing skirts' slowly bore into her mind. She'd completely frozen still for a few seconds, before, unable to take the embarrassment any more, she took off away from her mother, who could only sigh as she left. Oddly, it was more of a sigh of relief from Dr. Rumiko than a sigh of disappointment. But regardless, Takara continued to run away from her until she collided into the side of the building. And then everything went black... if only for a few seconds. ... “Hey! Are you alright?” Takara awoke after hearing this, only to see the face of the girl she remembered, and consequentially stare into her aquamarine eyes that seemed so inviting towards her soul. All of a sudden, there was no denying it: Takara had seen this young girl before, but for the life of her, she couldn't figure out where she'd seen her or why she was here now. “I remember... seeing you before,” Takara told the girl, “Have we met at all?” “Well we haven't introduced ourselves yet, that's for sure,” the girl replied, “My name's Galina Hikari.” “Oh. I'm Takara Rumiko. ...nice to meet you again.” “So you're saying we've met before, huh?” “Yes, but I can't remember where. And every time I try, all I see in my mind is those lovely, beautiful eyes of yours.” “Um,” Galina chuckled nervously as she said this, “Thanks, I guess,” “Oh no, that's only the beginning; your whole body's a work of art in its own right. I mean... your arms and legs are so slender, and your waistline's so well-toned and your...” Takara was about to mention the word 'breasts' until... “Stop it! Please!” Galina intervened, before sinking her head in shame, “You're creeping me out.” “Huh? OH!! I'm so sorry; I didn't mean to objectify you like that. But... I stand by what I said before. Your body really is a work of art. I just can't help but admire it.” “Right. Er... if you don't mind... I wanna apologize for something too.” “What is it?” as Takara asked this, Galina immediately directed her into a random alleyway that she had just found. There seemed to be no-one around, save for a strange, white felinoid creature that neither girl had paid any attention to. Apart from that, the only thing about this alleyway that signified the touch of society were a closed dumpster and an assortment of trash bags and trash cans strewn across the ground, as well as graffiti on the walls. It seemed like it would ward off most anyone, but for Galina, it was the perfect place to share a little secret with Takara. ... “What I wanna apologize for...” said Galina, when the coast was clear of by-passers, “...is for having distracted you while you were fighting that four-legged glass spider thing.” “Excuse me?” queried a confused Takara. “It was huge!” Galina exclaimed, “If I had to guess, it would've had to be a hundred feet tall! And its whole body was made of stained glass, even the heart that you can plainly see!” “That just sounds preposterous,” Takara flatly stated. “But... you were there, I'm sure of it!” Galina insisted, “And just how the hell are ya supposed to...?! Never mind, I've tried explaining it to way too many people and they all think the same thing.” Galina laid her back on the dumpster in a defeatist manner, beginning to shed a tear or two. Takara felt the sadness that was now enamating from the poor girl, and laid a hand on her chest. “I'm sorry; forget what I said before,” said a now equally sad Takara, “How long ago was this?” “Oh... five or six months ago I guess,” Galina answered, “But it doesn't matter now...” “Of course it matters; truth be told, it explains...!” Takara paused, breathing a heavy sigh before continuing, “There's something you need to know about me. I have an advanced case of amnesia; I can't remember anything at all past three months ago. If you don't believe me, then ask me anything.” “Fine, what's your exact birthday?” asked Galina. “Oh, that's easy; the twelfth of November, nineteen ninety...” Takara stopped, wondering what she was saying and quickly changing her mind, “No, it must've been two-thousand and something.” As Takara was still trying to force herself to think when the year of her birthday was, Galina continued to remain doubtful, believing that Takara was faking it this whole time. After all, faking amnesia was no hard task. “Just give it up already,” she said in a disinterested tone. “Wait, hang on!” Takara exclaimed contrarily, “The year's 2017, so I wouldn't have been born on that year since otherwise I would've been a baby, but since I'm a teenager instead, that must mean...” Takara had pretended to have a brainwave at that instance, but the look that Galina just saw in her eyes said otherwise. Takara remained wide-eyed, and distressed over what would normally be a simple task involving a simple memory. Galina had to put a stop to this... right here and now! “Did you not listen to me earlier?” Galina asked again, now sounding concerned. “NO!!” Takara snapped back, “I'm not dropping this until I can prove my case about this...” “Isn't the look in your eyes enough for you?!” intervened Galina, apparently having to resort to shaking Takara in order to snap her out of the suicide of her brain cells, “You already said that you had amnesia, and I believe you now! I just wish you could have believed me in return.” “That's just one example of a wish I can grant you, Galina Hikari,” a voice made itself known, before the strange felinoid creature hopped down from the wall and approached the two girls, seating himself on Takara's shoulder, “Or perhaps there's something deeper, more meaningful.” “Who are you?” Galina asked the creature, “...and what are you?” “I am Kyubey, an Incubator and Messenger of Magic,” he explained, “It's a rare occurrence for humans to be able to see me, but those that do have already proven themselves as potential candidates to become Magical Girls! All they need to do from there is to make a contract with me.” “Oh?” Galina's interest was peaked. “Making a contract is simple; all you have to do is make a wish and, provided it's neither meaningless nor ridiculous, I can grant it and give you a Soul Gem in exchange,” Kyubey lectured on, “You also gain a special ability upon the transition of becoming a Magical Girl. The way you word your wish can determine what ability you get, as well as its power.” “That's so cool!” Galina exclaimed, her eyes lighting up as she did, “I wanna make a contract now!” “I'll do the same if you don't mind,” Takara chimed in. “Well, since you're so eager, I can make your contract this instant, Galina!” Kyubey said, before turning to Takara, “Unfortunately, I can't say the same for you, Takara Rumiko.” “Wait, why not?” asked Takara, “You just said you can do it for Galina, and we both know I can see you too. So why can't I make a contract with you as well?” Kyubey said nothing at first, as if he needed the time to think. In truth however, he already knew the answer to that question, and was merely stalling for the sake of making Takara a little uneasy. However, as soon as Takara motioned for Kyubey to continue... “...you already have,” he solemnly stated. [hr] What exactly did this mean for Takara? Was she in for a rough future? And how would Galina's wish make anything better? Chapter 2 awaits, and may contain the answers... [hr][/spoiler] I plan to do 19 chapters on this, but I may do more if I manage to stretch the story out enough. Reviews are welcome as well as C+C on either the fic itself or the logo. If the moon looks unprofessionally done, it was probably my fault; I may have rushed the rendering of it, and I can see where I accidentally nicked a few pieces of -_- So... yeah, rate, comment, do whatcha do best, peoplez! EDIT: Shifted Table of Contents down a post where I intended it to be. It also serves as a more meaningful bump. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Admiral_Stalfos19 Posted December 26, 2013 Author Report Share Posted December 26, 2013 Table of Contents Chapter 1: Nothing Comes to Mind Chapter 2: Like Riding A Bike Chapter 3: A Frozen World Chapter 4: Under Construction Chapter 5: Under Construction Chapter 6: Under Construction Chapter 7: Under Construction Chapter 8: Under Construction Chapter 9: Under Construction Chapter 10: Under Construction Chapter 11: Under Construction Chapter 12: Under Construction Chapter 13: Under Construction Chapter 14: Under Construction Chapter 15: Under Construction Chapter 16: Under Construction Chapter 17: Under Construction Chapter 18: Under Construction Chapter 19: Under Construction Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Thar Posted December 28, 2013 Report Share Posted December 28, 2013 This definitely feels like Madoka Magica. Very well written, though I find Takara's "incident" with the side of the building rather blunt. Was she really that panicked from embarrassment to have not noticed it? I mean, I can understand that her persception was impaired, but still. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Admiral_Stalfos19 Posted December 28, 2013 Author Report Share Posted December 28, 2013 This definitely feels like Madoka Magica. Very well written, though I find Takara's "incident" with the side of the building rather blunt. Was she really that panicked from embarrassment to have not noticed it? I mean, I can understand that her persception was impaired, but still. That specific part was kinda rushed so I could get into the rendezvous with Takara and Galina, though Takara really being that panicked would be about right. I could go over in detail in the next chapter, but I've had trouble getting round to writing it; mostly because I still need to think of a Witch whose Barrier to get into. Though it kinda sucked that I didn't get a chance to respond before now <_< Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Admiral_Stalfos19 Posted January 3, 2014 Author Report Share Posted January 3, 2014 Right, so after a long while of scratching out ideas for a first boss Witch, I've been writing up Chapter 2 piece by piece... and now I have the finished product ^_^ This one's hardly gonna be battle-orientated either, but Chapter 3 definitely will be; I can reveal that much. Here, we have the overall view of the first Barrier of PMTM, as well as the brief introduction of another Magical Girl, Amaya Zawanaga. Hope you enjoy the read. [spoiler=Chapter 2: Like Riding a Bike]“Since WHEN??!!” Takara screamed frantically, “I don't remember much, but if this was supposed to be one of those once-in-a-lifetime events, then I sure as hell...!” “Takara!” yelled Galina, “Didn't you have amnesia or something?” “Well yeah, but...! Yeah I do.” Takara sank back down, defeated by the epiphany that she must have made the wish a long time ago, “I guess it's possible to forget anything.” “Hmm, this is troublesome... most troublesome indeed,” with that said, Kyubey turned back to Galina, “Sounds like we'll need your services earlier than I realized,” “What kind of services are we talking about?” asked Galina. “Witch Hunting, of course,” said Kyubey, before moving on to explain, “Witches have been plaguing this world with despair for a long time, without humans being the slightest part aware of their actions. And more and more have shown up, more specifically around this area. It's making our jobs as Messengers of Magic harder, as we need to find suitable Magical Girl candidates to try and defeat the Witches, and that's mostly because they just keep coming.” “Then make me a Magical Girl so I can kick their butts!” Galina cried enthusiatically, “Oh, and maybe you can re-teach Takara on how to fight too. Who knows? Maybe it's like riding a bike!” “How so?” asked Kyubey. Galina was about to explain, when all of a sudden... “I'm... still not sure about this whole mess. I mean, I'll be sure to sleep on it, but...” said a downcast Takara, before looking at her watch, “Shoot! Look at the time! We have to get to school, quickly!” With that she took off, with Galina running in order to catch up. But Kyubey? Aside from having to jump off Takara's shoulder and back onto the fence on whence he came, the Messenger of Magic hardly moved a muscle, doing nothing more than watch the two girls from the distance. “One more normal day, huh?” Kyubey mused aloud, “She'll have to get back on track sooner or later...” “Or maybe she should just stay out of it,” with this voice coming from behind him, Kyubey turned to see another Magical Girl on the opposite side of the fence, taking a drag from a lit cigarette, and exhaling the smoke down the alleyway that she herself had walked down. “Y'know, it's people like you that are thwarting my efforts, Amaya Zawanaga,” Kyubey told the Magical Girl, “You should be out killing Witches yourself, not listening in on conversations I engage with other Magical Girls,” “Really? Cause I could've sworn I've gathered plenty of Grief Seeds right here,” “That's only because you've taken a liking to killing other Magical Girls; half of which you've been attacking completely unprovoked. As to why though, I'm curious...” “You know what I say to that? I say you're letting your standards slip.” “And what makes you say that?” “Just a few random observations, nothing major,” Amaya took a second drag before continuing, “You see, a lot of these Magical Girls you've been recruiting are rather weak. Not just physically, but mentally too. Truth be told, it's the latter that's causing the uprising in Witches lately.” “I noticed, and I'm trying to work on the quality of the Magical Girls that I make a contract with,” Kyubey said somewhat defensively, “But that doesn't change the fact that you're not helping my cause.” “Why not? I'm weeding out the weak, aren't I?” “Even one more lesser Magical Girl can make all the difference.” “Oh yeah, it can make the death toll go up from a triple digit figure to a quadruple digit figure. That's really helpful Kyubey. And besides, we both know you're figting a losing battle by continuing to recruit Magical Girl after Magical Girl. So why do you keep doing it?” “For the sake of balance. We can't eliminate all the Witches from the Earth; that's just impossible. But at the same time, they'll only spread despair to the whole world if we don't keep them in check.” Amaya said nothing more... if only because Kyubey had a point. Even though the Witches were putting the pressure on Kyubey, it was still his job to make contracts with Magical Girl candidates so that they could fight back, and stop the world from being overrun by despair. Still, all he was doing is completing an endless cycle. The populations of Witches and Magical Girls could only rock back and forth as both sides grew stronger and stronger. Still, it was much more beneficial to maintain this balance than let it slip in favor of the Witches. “So about those two girls you were talking to earlier,” said Amaya, changing the subject, “You're not seriously pushing them into fighting Witches, are ya?” “And what if I am?” asked Kyubey “I can't believe you,” Amaya rolled her eyes before saying this, “The only Magical Girl of the two has amnesia, or so I heard. And you think you can just send them along on a suicide mission?” “It wasn't your business to overhear us for one,” Kyubey said in a matter-of-factly tone, “And for two, the only chance she had of snapping out of it was to return to the scene in whence she got it in the first place. I'll just have to task this one risk and put some faith into the girl.” Disgusted by this, Amaya spat the cigarette out of her mouth, before stamping on it with her boot. She was about to leave, but stopped at the end of the alleyway. “And here you are calling me the villain,” she spat. … Meanwhile, Galina and Takara were still running to school, with Galina leading the way since Takara still couldn't remember how to get there. However, as they took a detour into a freezer-works, Galina stopped in her tracks. Not because she ran out of directions to take; she knew all the shortcuts to school like the back of her hand. No, she only stopped because she saw someone go inside who shouldn't have, and recognized this someone who went inside. “ELISON!!” Galina screamed, before charging into the freezer-works. “Wait, where are we going?” asked Takara, “And who's this Elison person?” “She's my sister!” Galina exclaimed, “Now come on, we gotta stop her before she does something stupid!” “Er... OK,” acknowledged Takara, “I'll just... go 'round the back. Maybe we can cut her off.” With that, the two girls split up, and Takara ventured around the back entrance and slowly opened the door. As was to be expected, cold air had run rampant among the whole building, and rushed past her as the door creaked open. A chill ran down her spine, but she had to push on. Finding Elison would mean a lot to Galina, and the sooner Takara could find her, the better. And yet Takara was in luck. In the distance, an unmistakable presence of a young, pink-haired pregnant girl could be seen going into what appeared to be the heart of the freezer-works. However, there was clearly something wrong with the girl, as Takara could tell. As Takara followed her inside, she could see the girl had a dark, strange mark on her neck in the form of a badly deformed snowflake. It seemed like nothing at first, but only grew more ominous as the girl turned to look Takara straight in the eye. The girl's pink eyes were barely half-open, and the irises and pupils of her eyes seemed to fuse perfectly with her retinas. At first, the pregnant girl was expressionless, but as she gazed into Takara's eyes, she made for a smile... which was so weak that it was barely registerable. “Elison?” Takara asked nervously, to which the girl nodded to, “My name's Takara. I'm a friend of your sister.” Elison's smile, as faint as it was, quickly vanished as she heard this, and her head sank low as she turned away. Takara, however, persisted with trying to reach into her. “Galina's very worried about you,” she said a bit more sternly, “There's not a person in this place, and it's very cold in here. We have to get out of here right now!” Takara reached for Elison's shoulder, but as soon as she touched it... “UNHAND ME THIS INSTANT!!” Takara's eyes widened, and she recoiled at the sound of Elison's voice. It sounded as though she'd been possessed by... Takara should have known. That mark was none other than the Witch's Kiss, and Elison must've been inflicted by it when she entered the freezer-works in the first place. Nonetheless, Takara had to initiate Plan B. “I'm sorry, but I'm not leaving these freezer-works without you!” Takara exclaimed, as she got behind the possessed Elison and tried to force her out. But that was thwarted too. “AND I'M NOT LEAVING HERE UNDER AN IOTA OF CIRCUMSTANCE!!” the possessed Elison spat, wrapping her arms and legs around the doorframe of the door that Takara tried to push her out of, and using her strength and extra weight to resist the latter's efforts. But Takara remained stubborn, and the good news was that Elison gave out first as a result of Takara's stubbornness. The bad news was that, unaware that Elison would give out so suddenly, Takara had accidentally slammed her into the opposing wall, crushing her unborn child, and rendering her unconscious with a solid blow to the head from the inertia. The snowflake-shaped Witch's Kiss slowly, but surely faded into nothingness, but Elison being unconscious wasn't the price Takara had in mind to pay. “Are you OK?” Takara asked out of concern, “Elison?! Can you hear me?” No response, as to be expected. Takara gulped as she rolled Elison over onto her back an tried shaking it. She then leaned over it to try and get a pulse, but felt something kicking her in her stomach. It must've been Elison's baby, which could only mean the young expectant mother was still alive at the very least, and would eventually recover. But still “Oh god... Galina's gonna kill me, isn't she?” Takara murmured, before opening Elison's, “It's OK, Elison. I... I'll make sure it doesn't happen again. But for now let's focus on getting out of here.” Takara was about to try and see if she could lift the poor Elison up so she could carry her out herself, but all of a sudden, a glow pulsated from her upper chest. Takara instinctively dug inside her dress and found her Soul Gem, but before she figure out what was going on with it, it was already too late. Ratchet & Clank Nexus OST: Winterizer Theme - Faintly Playing In an instant, Takara and Elison were both transported into a different marble reality, where thick snow layered the ground and multitudes of snow flakes were falling from what appeared to be the sky. This thick layer of snow seemed to stretch for miles, but Takara managed to make out the inside of the freezer-works where she and Elison once were. Takara bolted through the snow and dragged Elison with her, the only thing on her mind being the possibility of freedom... until she collided with a barrier that appeared was made of glass. In desperation, Takara banged her fist on the barrier multiple times, hoping there was someone on the other side. “HEEEEEEEEEEEEEY!!” Takara yelled, “Is anyone out there?! I have a pregnant girl with me who needs urgent medical attention! You have to come out here and help her right now!” Nothing... again. Frustrated, Takara aimed a few punches at the barrier, and even struck it with several forceful jabs of her parasol. But it was all futile; all Takara accomplished was to attract the attention of a Familiar that was patrolling the Barrier for any signs of life. This one, a Familiar with a felinoid body made of snow, immediately soared straight into Takara as it spotted her. Screaming as she did so, Takara opened up her parasol and cowered behind it, using it as if it were her only means of defense against the charging Familiar. [hr] Could Takara survive the encounter with the Familiar? Would Elison wake up in time to see the Marble Reality with her own eyes? Chapter 3 awaits, and may contain the answers. [hr] [/spoiler] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Synchronized Posted February 5, 2014 Report Share Posted February 5, 2014 So, as I prepare to be hit with a huge blizzard overnight that will probably prevent me from going anywhere for most of the day tomorrow, I figured it was a solid time to start the third review. I happened to notice that we’ve got a newcomer in the section today with Black’s new Yu-Gi-Oh! story that debuted and reviewing that has definitely caught my interest, but I’ve done Yu-Gi-Oh! for the past two and I figured it was time to try something a little different. Anyway, this one’s called Puella Magi Takara Magica, and I have no idea if this is a reference to some anime or manga or whatever, but I’ve never heard of it and so I’m going into this story with literally zero idea of what’s going on. For those who missed the last review, Yu-Gi-Oh! Spirit Caller Genesis, I do recommend checking out the story despite its flaws as I think the author has a lot of potential and it’s always good to encourage others. Anyone who wants to do so can click the link in the main thread and get up to date with the story. Here we go! Episode 3: Magic What Now? [spoiler=Puella Magi Takara Magic – Chapter 1: Nothing Comes to Mind] Takara Rumiko slowly stirred to life, and absorbed her surroundings for the first time in a long while. She was on a single mattress bed with white sheets, and to her side was a table, which had some daffodils set inside a jug of water on top. Takara also noticed curtains that were drawn and surrounded her... until they were pulled back by a woman wearing a lab-coat, and equipped with a stethoscope. [Just something to note, too; there’s a bizarre color situation going on here with bright yellow and pink dialogue, and it really hurts my eyes so I made it all a default color so I could make it through the chapter without wanting to claw my eyes out. I’m not sure how I felt about this first paragraph but it definitely wasn’t positive. It felt awkward and clunky, and the descriptions that were included didn’t feel like they added anything.] “How are you feeling, Takara?” the woman asked. “I...” Takara paused in confusion, still unsure about this woman, “Uh... who are you? And how do you...? You know my name?” “Takara...! I'm your mother! And I'm the one that gave you your name in the first place!” Takara's eyed widened the moment she heard this. Here she was, having realized she made an innocent mistake, and she instead reacted as thought she made a cardinal sin. [I’m not really sure what’s going on here, who Takara is, or why she would forget her own mother, but I guess we’ll get to that. Still, this is a really weird hook to open a story (especially the first chapter).] “M-...Mom?!” Takara yelped in shock, “I'm so sorry. I... how can I...?” “It's OK, I'm here. Good thing I insisted that I be assigned to look after you rather than the other doctors,” that said, Dr. Rumiko hugged her daughter tightly, before gazing straight at her eyes, “Honey, we've already determined you have amnesia, but... is there anything you remember, Takara? Anything at all?” [I wonder how they determined that. Oh, I know, forgetting who her mother is would definitely be a sign.] “Well, I... um... I'm sorry, I've got nothing,” Takara looked away, this time catching sight of a mirror, “Hey! My eyes! There's something wrong with...! WHAT'S WRONG WITH MY EYES??!!” [Okay so we have no idea what’s going on here. You haven’t given any visual descriptions, so as far as we know her eyes could just be green and she could seriously dislike the color green. If this is supposed to be an important point, you really should have done more to emphasize that.] “You were born like that, dear,” “I...! I was?” “Yes, you were.” “But... they're not normal. They might've been if they were the same color, but...” [This dialogue was really bad and felt completely forced. It was like you wanted to make the most generic conversation possible and still, all you’ve given us is that her eyes aren’t the same color. Even if you are trying to lead into something, you’ve given the reader absolutely no reason to care so far.] “I... never thought I'd have to explain this again, but...” Dr. Rumiko exhaled a sigh in her pause, “...it's because you have heterochromia. It's a genetics thing; if there was anything wrong with it, I would've fixed it a long time ago. And I wasn't gonna let anyone risk blinding you in one eye to just to fix one little imperfection. It was never worth it to begin with, and it still isn't today.” “...but won't anyone think I'm a bit... weird-looking?” asked a nervous Takara [All I took from this is that her mom seems like a total douche. Not only that, but obviously this girl is worried about whatever is going on and her mom just...isn’t likeable. The entire thing felt forced and not at all like a mother would talk to her daughter, especially not given the situation.] “And why would they think that; because it's so rare?” Takara nervously chuckled at this. [This was not funny. There’s no reason for her to chuckle, or even say that. Again, dialogue is definitely a huge problem here. None of it is unique, it’s like every character has the same exact personality traits.] ... Three months later, Takara found herself walking to school with her mother. Here, Takara was practically exploring a whole new world within Sinatra City. None of the streets, none of the shops, none of the banks, none of the hotels, none of the people... none of it looked familiar, except a single girl. The girl was standing at roughly 5' 9” from what Takara could make out from the distance, and was wearing a simple white blouse and a simple red skirt. Her long, ocean blue hair flowed beautifully as the wind caught, and her whole body was so exquisite... [None of the...ENOUGH. You repeated it like five times, we get the point. What, were none of the other descriptive terms available? Yeah, I see what I did there too. But seriously, it’s the same thing over and over again, why would you possibly think that was okay? The description at the end was pretty solid especially compared to everything else we’ve seen but it doesn’t do much to offset the absolutely disappointing tone so far.] Dr. Rumiko slapped Takara on the back of the head, which snapped her out of her trance. “Mooooom! Why did you do that for?” Takara asked as she rubbed the back of her head. “Just making sure you weren't chasing skirts is all,” Dr. Rumiko shrugged her shoulders as she said this, before putting her hands on her hips and adopting a jealous look, “Y'know that's the sort of things boys do.” [So she doesn’t want her daughter to be a lesbian? I think? At least that’s what I took from this. I’m not up-to-date with the ‘cool kid’ lingo but talk about an unsupportive mother. She really is a douche.] Takara suddenly gasped, a red hue slowly consuming her face as the thought of 'chasing skirts' slowly bore into her mind. She'd completely frozen still for a few seconds, before, unable to take the embarrassment any more, she took off away from her mother, who could only sigh as she left. Oddly, it was more of a sigh of relief from Dr. Rumiko than a sigh of disappointment. But regardless, Takara continued to run away from her until she collided into the side of the building. And then everything went black... if only for a few seconds. [None of this is making any sense. You haven’t really established any kind of a setting or a tone; like it’s so random and not in a good way, not in the way that keeps you guessing. There’s just no sense of order to this story at all so far.] ... “Hey! Are you alright?” Takara awoke after hearing this, only to see the face of the girl she remembered, and consequentially stare into her aquamarine eyes that seemed so inviting towards her soul. All of a sudden, there was no denying it: Takara had seen this young girl before, but for the life of her, she couldn't figure out where she'd seen her or why she was here now. [You’re also not handling the ‘show, not tell’ thing very effectively. Everything that happens is followed by “Takara etc.” and it gets somewhat repetitive. You can use pronouns too and sort of change the wording around so it isn’t so repetitive throughout the story. A little bit goes a long way with that.] “I remember... seeing you before,” Takara told the girl, “Have we met at all?” “Well we haven't introduced ourselves yet, that's for sure,” the girl replied, “My name's Galina Hikari.” “Oh. I'm Takara Rumiko. ...nice to meet you again.” [Like what is even going on here? Even if this IS based on an anime or a manga, you’ve done nothing that would suggest you were continuing a story here. I don’t understand what you’re trying to convey or why I should care about any of these characters. Like they all seem so...bland.] “So you're saying we've met before, huh?” “Yes, but I can't remember where. And every time I try, all I see in my mind is those lovely, beautiful eyes of yours.” “Um,” Galina chuckled nervously as she said this, “Thanks, I guess,” “Oh no, that's only the beginning; your whole body's a work of art in its own right. I mean... your arms and legs are so slender, and your waistline's so well-toned and your...” Takara was about to mention the word 'breasts' until... [What...? That whole thing was really bad too. I don’t get it; is this some kind of love novel? It’s all just really awkward. If I had some idea of what you were going for maybe there would be some semblance of sense to all of this, but I doubt it. Your writing skills aren’t bad by any means especially when it comes to descriptions but the way you’re actually piecing this together is so far from enticing it’s not even funny.] “Stop it! Please!” Galina intervened, before sinking her head in shame, “You're creeping me out.” “Huh? OH!! I'm so sorry; I didn't mean to objectify you like that. But... I stand by what I said before. Your body really is a work of art. I just can't help but admire it.” “Right. Er... if you don't mind... I wanna apologize for something too.” “What is it?” as Takara asked this, Galina immediately directed her into a random alleyway that she had just found. There seemed to be no-one around, save for a strange, white felinoid creature that neither girl had paid any attention to. Apart from that, the only thing about this alleyway that signified the touch of society were a closed dumpster and an assortment of trash bags and trash cans strewn across the ground, as well as graffiti on the walls. It seemed like it would ward off most anyone, but for Galina, it was the perfect place to share a little secret with Takara. [So your descriptive ability is good. That’s awesome. In fact, I seriously think if someone were to write a CW story and ask you just to piece in all the descriptive pieces, you’d be right at home. But the rest of it...wow. I promise I’m not trying to be a douche here I seriously am trying to critique you but this is a whole nother level of random and pointless. Nothing about this story makes sense so far and you’re telling the story not taking into consideration that even though you might know what’s going to happen in your own head because you’re the writer, we as readers have no idea. That just doesn’t work.] ... “What I wanna apologize for...” said Galina, when the coast was clear of by-passers, “...is for having distracted you while you were fighting that four-legged glass spider thing.” “Excuse me?” queried a confused Takara. [This. Do this more often. It makes your dialogue so much less bland.] “It was huge!” Galina exclaimed, “If I had to guess, it would've had to be a hundred feet tall! And its whole body was made of stained glass, even the heart that you can plainly see!” “That just sounds preposterous,” Takara flatly stated. [This whole story is preposterous. The glass spider makes more sense than 90% of what I’ve read so far, and I don’t even know what a glass spider is.] “But... you were there, I'm sure of it!” Galina insisted, “And just how the hell are ya supposed to...?! Never mind, I've tried explaining it to way too many people and they all think the same thing.” Galina laid her back on the dumpster in a defeatist manner, beginning to shed a tear or two. Takara felt the sadness that was now enamating from the poor girl, and laid a hand on her chest. “I'm sorry; forget what I said before,” said a now equally sad Takara, “How long ago was this?” “Oh... five or six months ago I guess,” Galina answered, “But it doesn't matter now...” [Seriously the dialogue is so uninspired. You’re doing nothing to establish characters for these people. I don’t see how this is really any different from her talking to her mom.] “Of course it matters; truth be told, it explains...!” Takara paused, breathing a heavy sigh before continuing, “There's something you need to know about me. I have an advanced case of amnesia; I can't remember anything at all past three months ago. If you don't believe me, then ask me anything.” “Fine, what's your exact birthday?” asked Galina. [Didn’t these two just meet? How would Galina even know when he birthday is? She made it clear they hadn’t introduced themselves before...] “Oh, that's easy; the twelfth of November, nineteen ninety...” Takara stopped, wondering what she was saying and quickly changing her mind, “No, it must've been two-thousand and something.” As Takara was still trying to force herself to think when the year of her birthday was, Galina continued to remain doubtful, believing that Takara was faking it this whole time. After all, faking amnesia was no hard task. “Just give it up already,” she said in a disinterested tone. “Wait, hang on!” Takara exclaimed contrarily, “The year's 2017, so I wouldn't have been born on that year since otherwise I would've been a baby, but since I'm a teenager instead, that must mean...” [Takara is a real scientist. Wow. Such sound logic.] Takara had pretended to have a brainwave at that instance, but the look that Galina just saw in her eyes said otherwise. Takara remained wide-eyed, and distressed over what would normally be a simple task involving a simple memory. Galina had to put a stop to this... right here and now! [Why is she suddenly getting so drastic? The girl’s trying to remember something; I don’t see why that’s reason to panic? Again, none of this makes any sense at all. You’re rushing through plot points that we as readers have no idea even exist.] “Did you not listen to me earlier?” Galina asked again, now sounding concerned. “NO!!” Takara snapped back, “I'm not dropping this until I can prove my case about this...” “Isn't the look in your eyes enough for you?!” intervened Galina, apparently having to resort to shaking Takara in order to snap her out of the suicide of her brain cells, “You already said that you had amnesia, and I believe you now! I just wish you could have believed me in return.” “That's just one example of a wish I can grant you, Galina Hikari,” a voice made itself known, before the strange felinoid creature hopped down from the wall and approached the two girls, seating himself on Takara's shoulder, “Or perhaps there's something deeper, more meaningful.” “Who are you?” Galina asked the creature, “...and what are you?” [A cat, maybe? I’m not sure but that’s how I’m going to picture it regardless.] “I am Kyubey, an Incubator and Messenger of Magic,” he explained, “It's a rare occurrence for humans to be able to see me, but those that do have already proven themselves as potential candidates to become Magical Girls! All they need to do from there is to make a contract with me.” [Oh man! Make sure you read the fine print. Those random fees and stuff always get you. Damn 7.8% interest rates.] “Oh?” Galina's interest was peaked. [Of course it was. Why wouldn’t you be interested in a random cat approaching you in a shady alley filled with trash and asking you to sign a contract? Seems totally normal to me.] “Making a contract is simple; all you have to do is make a wish and, provided it's neither meaningless nor ridiculous, I can grant it and give you a Soul Gem in exchange,” Kyubey lectured on, “You also gain a special ability upon the transition of becoming a Magical Girl. The way you word your wish can determine what ability you get, as well as its power.” [None of this is making any sense. I feel like I’ve repeated that so many times. I feel like no matter how many times I repeat it, it’s still going to be true. How did we get to this point already? You’ve got like 15 episodes of content in like three pages of writing.] “That's so cool!” Galina exclaimed, her eyes lighting up as she did, “I wanna make a contract now!” “I'll do the same if you don't mind,” Takara chimed in. [Oh sure, she has amnesia and can’t remember anything, but let’s trust the talking cat without even trying to understand the situation. What a genius.] “Well, since you're so eager, I can make your contract this instant, Galina!” Kyubey said, before turning to Takara, “Unfortunately, I can't say the same for you, Takara Rumiko.” “Wait, why not?” asked Takara, “You just said you can do it for Galina, and we both know I can see you too. So why can't I make a contract with you as well?” [Clearly he’s just rude.] Kyubey said nothing at first, as if he needed the time to think. In truth however, he already knew the answer to that question, and was merely stalling for the sake of making Takara a little uneasy. However, as soon as Takara motioned for Kyubey to continue... “...you already have,” he solemnly stated. What exactly did this mean for Takara? Was she in for a rough future? And how would Galina's wish make anything better? Chapter 2 awaits, and may contain the answers... [Acknowledging the fact that there’s another Chapter in the Chapter itself just looks bad.][/spoiler] And we’re done. Much of the review is going to come across as overly critical, but I don't intend anything to be rude. In truth, I want to help the section become more active and doing so requires that a lot of the great writers (and those with potential, too) can learn from where they go wrong and try to improve and create a better story. There's an interesting comparison to the past few stories I've reviewed so far, as the first one was really well-done with a few inconsistency issues but not many errors other than grammatical ones, whereas the second one was very generic and felt like rip-off of Yu-Gi-Oh! GX, though well-written. With this, the issues weren't grammatical so much as they were actual problems with the story. There was so many things thrown into one chapter and so few of them actually made sense. Your writing ability is solid and your descriptions most of the time are very well done. But the praise ends there. This story is very poorly planned out and I feel like you're failing to realize that as readers, we don't know what's going on. You might know in your head and that's fine, but when you write as though you know and expect us to be on board with everything because of that, it makes for a very poor story. I would like to review further chapters as well and I anticipate your responses to this. What I Think: Logical inconsistencies, poor storytelling Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Admiral_Stalfos19 Posted February 5, 2014 Author Report Share Posted February 5, 2014 Wow... I almost have no idea what to say. But I'll try to explain what was going on in my head at the time. ... First and foremost, I'll explain the dialogue. English isn't exactly my strong suit, which may explain why the dialogue's bad in here, but I'm not exactly sure on how I can improve on that. That's probably the main reason why I was so eager to get a review in; I knew something was wrong with the dialogue in particular, but I had no idea on how to improve on it. As for all the different colors, I've mainly used them to help the readers keep track of who's saying what. I've tried to keep them all of similar shades, but there are only so few colors I can choose from YCM's palette, and I'm relying on my own eyesight, which is stronger than that of a lot of other people as I've discovered some time ago, to judge which colors blend in too much with the white background and which stand out enough. I've been trying to do the whole "show, not tell" thing ever since reading a few of Crab Helmet's reviews, but I can't say whether I was trying too hard here or going about it the wrong way or what. Though I guess you're right in saying that I've done the latter, and it probably explains the lack of exposition as well. I just wasn't sure how much exposition I could actually afford to add without thwarting my own efforts of showing and not telling, and kept it to a minimum as a result. I've opened up the taps a bit more in the next chapter, but I'll still probably refuse to do any major exposition dumps as they distract too much from the story in my eyes. Another problem I have is that I have difficulty focusing on things properly, and for extended periods of time. I guess that's a glaring obviousness that shows in my writing as well, and that's why it might seem all over the place. I've tried to tone down that over the course of writing each fic that I have, and as a result, this isn't anywhere near as bad as my very first fanfic in that regard. But I'm guessing have said would only make me more worrisome as a writer :/ ... Regardless, I'll keep going. I don't see much I can do with the second chapter since it's already released, but I can definitely work on the next ones. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Synchronized Posted February 5, 2014 Report Share Posted February 5, 2014 It's pleasant to see your ability to handle the criticism well. That alone makes you a very promising writer because anyone who's willing to acknowledge their mistakes can always get better. It's better than anything I was writing when I first started; it took me a long time to get to a level where I was actually comfortable with the work I was putting out. As for the second Chapter, I've already planned to do a review of that coming up within the next couple of Reviews, so I'll try to analyze and delve a little further in some examples of how you could improve! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dr. Cakey Posted February 20, 2014 Report Share Posted February 20, 2014 I'm not entirely opposed to coloring the dialogue, if only because it gives things a unique flavor, and also because it feels sort of PMMM, since each girl in the show is pretty much one color. Nonetheless, the colors you chose are absurdly bright. Glancing at the preset text colors the forum has available, you should restrict yourself to the two darkest shades of each hue at most, if you want to continuing coloring dialogue. That said, I never had a problem knowing who was talking, but I can't remember whose dialogue had what color, so I don't think it's working for its intended purpose. Also, reduce your usage of italics by about 90%. Italicization means spoken emphasis, and when I'm emphasizing all these words in my head it sounds really silly. It sounds like SOMEONE talking like this all the TIME. In terms of exposition: this is a fanfic. You have no obligation to explain the world to the reader; they should already know it. You do not need to explain your world any more than The Avengers needs to explain why Tony Stark has an awesome robot suit. +Salamander might now know about Madoka Magica, but that's his problem. Frankly, I disagree with him on a lot of points, but that's neither here nor there. Your chapters are much too short. In terms of 'story ground' being covered, I think the first chapter has enough material while the second ought to contain about twice as many events, but both she about double their current length. Everything is being breezed through without giving us time to be in each scene. The essential thing to do in the first chapter is to let us experience Takara's amnesia. In fact, you might want to dump the entire hospital scene, and replace with an actual scene of her living with her amnesia. Telling the story from first person might make that a little easier, but point-of-view is up to you. If you're not sure what to do, go back and watch some of the early episodes of PMMM. It's full of short, simple scenes that give you a good grasp of everyday life. Also, your names hurt my brain. If English, Japanese, and Fantasy names all got drunk and had a three-way, your names would be the resulting child. I use this as my main resource when I need to look up a name, but if you want advice on names you're free to ask me, as I have some knowledge in the area. There are definitely other people here with more capability than me here, but I'm afraid I don't know who they are. Alright, that was way too much text. I'm not going to claim that I liked it, but I don't like anything, and I definitely encourage you to continue, because I get the impression you can improve very easily. glhf Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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