The Prank - Short Story

[DL]

The Prank

 

 

 

    Leaves blew wildly with the strong wind, serving to ease the sun’s unforgiving heat. Most citizens of the small town were inside their homes, bathing in their air conditioners and cooling fans. However, despite the less than adequate conditions for being outside, there was still a small group of three teens. Silently, they sat on a park bench. They looked no older than fifteen, but in a moment, one of them put a cigarette in his mouth and lit it, softly inhaling and blowing out a gentle cloud of smoke. He had shaggy brown hair that almost covered his hazel eyes, and wore blue jeans with holes on the knees. He also had an olive-colored hooded sweatshirt on. He was the first to break the silence.

    “So,” he began. “Who’s gonna go in first?”

    A girl that sat next to him, on the left side of the bench, turned to look at him. She tilted her head slightly, causing her blond hair to fall in front of her face, which she quickly swept away with her slender fingers. 

    “What are you talking about Jack?” she asked, leaning her head on the shoulder of the guy next to her. “And come on, I told you not to light those disgusting things near me.”

    Jack chuckled, ignoring her complaint, and looked at the other guy in the group, who looked back at him and smiled, his thin lips curved slightly upward, then parting as he began to laugh as well. The girl looked to Jack, and then to the other boy, and got up. She glared at the other boy, her blue eyes forcing a piercing gaze upon him. His laughter died down a bit.

    “What’s so funny? What’s this delinquent’s plan now, Chris?”

    Chris shook his head, causing his dark, smooth hair to cover one of his emerald green eyes, then slid his hands into his pockets. He looked down at his t-shirt, which today happened to be a black t-shirt with a picture of a pale, screaming girl, with wide eyes. Underneath, it said “Death to All”. Perhaps from some underground rock band or another. 

    “See this shirt, Laura?” Chris asked, stretching it a bit.

    “I’d rather not,” she replied, looking away from the ugly thing.

    Not seeming to notice her comment, Chris continued. “We’re going to put a pillow inside this thing, and get it on Mrs. Shelly’s bed. Then, when she wakes up, she’ll get a nasty scare.

    “So you seriously have nothing better to do than bully old ladies?” Laura asked, with a sigh.

    “Hey, it’s not bullying,” replied Jack. “I bet she’ll look back in the future and laugh about it.”

    “I bet if she wakes up to that sort of scare, she won’t be having much of a future, but…” Laura began, then decided to drop the topic. She knew it was useless to try and get these two out of an idea. Especially if it was a prank. And of course, she was going to go along with them. She always did, for some reason that escaped her understanding.

Laura rubbed her temples gently with her fingers. “Well, I guess someone has to be there ready to call an ambulance.”

    “That’s the spirit,” Jack commented, and got up, dragging her by the arm. Chris followed along silently, smiling at Laura’s small protests at being dragged. Soon, however, they were at the lady’s house. Laura then raised an eyebrow.

    “So how are we going to get in without her noticing?” Laura asked.

    Jack smiled and pulled a lock pick out of his pocket. He casually made his way to the house and in a matter of seconds, the door slid open. Silently, he crept in. The lights in the house were turned off, but a faint sound from the air conditioner echoed from the floor above. From outside, one could see the house’s wide garden, filled with vivid-looking flowers and light green grass, always with a few drops of dew in the mornings. The house itself stood tall, at two stories. It was painted a pale peach color, with white outlines where the doors and windows were. It even had an attic. Obviously a wealthy person’s home. And not only that, a wealthy old lady’s home. An old lady who Jack bet would be their perfect target for his prank.

    “So who’s gonna do it?” Laura asked. “I sure won’t, and you can’t make me.”

    Jack snickered. “Don’t get your panties in a knot. I’ll set it up, you just sit nice and tight. Chris, you place the video tape on her desk drawer. I want to be able to relive this glorious life-changing moment.”

    Chris grinned, and grabbed the edges of his shirt, sliding it off. The motion showed off his abdomen, which, while it was not toned or muscled, had a lean, composed feel to it. After taking it all off, he looked a bit at the shirt, before tossing it to Laura. She caught it with her face, and snarled at Chris as she slid it down, rolling it into a ball and throwing it back to him. He caught it with one hand and then made a basketball toss to Jack, who caught it and began chuckling but soon silenced himself as he remembered the elderly person sleeping upstairs. Then again, this was the same elderly person that had slept through a building being demolished right next to her house. 

    Jack began climbing the stairs quite swiftly, while still holding the camera steadily. Chris went next, and Laura followed along, grasping Chris’ hand tightly. After they reached the second floor, Jack signaled to the right-most door on the white, carpeted corridor. Jack walked along slowly, before he noticed neither of them was following him. A few yards behind him, at the edge of the staircase, Chris smirked, and began showing off his muscles, that had an interesting light shining on them due to the overall darkness of the house, except for a few small glass openings near the ceiling. Laura giggled, and hugged him. Their lips met for a split second, causing Jack to grimace almost unnoticeably.

    “Get a room, you two!” he whispered. “Come on, the old lady’s gonna wake up soon, at this rate.”

    As he mentioned this, Laura kissed Chris again, as if to test Jack’s patience. He frowned more visibly, and walked quickly towards them. After he approached them, there was a still moment. Out of nowhere, Chris' arms moved forward, as Laura fell back onto the stairway by a sudden force. Her body tumbled down the steps in large thuds and several cracks. Her skull smashed against the wall, as blood began to drip from several places, dirtying the wooden steps. Her half-closed eyes revealed lifeless pupils within, along with arms limply hanging by her side. There she was, sitting almost as if she were a doll; that is, if most dolls were bloody and had limbs sticking out in weird angles. Arm outstretched, Jack gazed with wide eyes, upon the scene. His body trembled slightly and he quickly turned to Chris, whose hair was partly covering his face. Jack’s heart began pumping faster, and quickly dashed away, and into the old lady’s room. As he slammed the door shut, Mrs. Shelly finally woke up, with a startle. 

    “You’re the Butlers’ son!” she exclaimed. “What are you doing here?”

    He covered her mouth and got his face close to hers.

    “Don’t make noise…” Jack whispered faintly. “Or he’ll hear you.”

    The old lady jerked a bit, but Jack held on a bit tighter. He looked straight into her eyes, his heart racing. He turned towards the door, growing wider as a dull pounding could be heard on the aged wood. The doorknob began shaking; steadily, at first, then more and more violently.  Jack looked back at Mrs. Shelly. Her eyes had slowly begun rolling to the back of her head, which flopped motionless onto the bed. Assuming she had passed out from the stress, he quickly scuttled off the bed. His eyes darted around furiously, before they focused on a wooden door. He dashed for it, and managed to open it and slam it behind him. As he locked the door and sat down with his back to it, he heard the bedroom door slam open; then, footsteps. A low gasp, and more footsteps could be heard, but Jack ignored them and began searching around the large, tan-colored bathroom. The bathroom had a bathtub with a golden faucet, and next to it sat a small table with shampoos and conditioners. There were also a pair of scissors and nail clippers on another side of the table, on top of a small pink cloth. Jack ran over to it, and grabbed the scissors. 

    “Jack!” a familiar voice shouted.

    A drop of sweat slid down Jack’s cheek. He gulped, and held the scissors tighter, hands shaking. He knew he couldn’t let Chris catch him.

    “Jack, I know you’re in there!” Chris yelled again. “Come out the easy way, man!”

    Jack’s breathing was shaky and deep, and his hands’ shaking lessened. He closed his eyes, and didn’t utter a single noise. His eyes darted open again as a loud knocking echoed on the door, sending shivers down his back. He quickly spun around and backed away from it, scissors pointed at the door, but shaking more than they were before. After a few moments, the knocking ceased. Strong slamming followed, causing the door to shake. Finally, the door gave in and a baseball bat’s upper part crashed into it, causing a hole to open. Wooden splinters fell to the floor and dust dispersed itself through the air. As it settled, a piercing emerald-green eye stared straight at Jack. He began audibly gasping, as more and more sweat began dripping down his cheeks, and he darted inside the bathtub.

    “Oh God, oh God, I…” he began muttering, his breathing rate rapidly increasing. He hid behind the bath curtain, closing it completely, and sat silently inside the bathtub with his chin resting on his knees. He hugged his knees tightly with one hand, as the other held the scissors slightly downwards. A forearm slid in through the hole the baseball bat left, carefully moving around, feeling the surface of the door. It finally grasped the doorknob and turned it. The door slowly slid open, as Jack saw the figure slowly approaching.

    “Where are you, Jack? Come out and I won’t have to hurt you…”

    Jack’s breathing became heavier and heavier, almost coming out in gasps. He noticed this, and shut his own mouth with one hand, as hard as possible. His body was shaking so violently, the scissors were clacking on the side of the bathtub. He moved them away, staring at them intently. His heartbeats were so furiously loud he was sure Chris could hear them. A moment later, Chris slid the curtain open. As he did so, he jumped back, eyes wide. In the bathtub lay Jack, blood sliding down from his neck violently. A pair of scissors was embedded into the side of his neck, and his mouth was slightly agape. His eyes blankly stared at the ceiling, as the blood soon mixed with the tiny water puddles in the bathtub, washing down the drain. 

In the next hour, the old lady’s house had been surrounded by cars with flashing red and blue sirens. In the next few days, every newspaper in town had been reporting on the events of the teenage boy, Jack Butler, who, under heavy influence of drugs, had assassinated his friend, Laura Ashworth, and soon after committed suicide by stabbing himself on the neck with a pair of scissors.

[Fusion X. Denver]

That was...something.

I don't know why I expected this to be more lighthearted after reading that MLP thing you wrote >.>

Glad to see you're still good at description. I'm just confused how Chris switched to Daniel towards the end of the story. Were those typos?

Good stuff overall. Horror kinda suits you actually.

[DL]

Son of a b-

That was a typo, cuz I didn't know WHAT to call him...Chris or Daniel, before the story......so Chris IS Daniel! XD

We'll assume that's his middle name o3o

 

And thank you ;D

I tried XD tho I guess comedy might suit be more, idk

 

o3o

 

All I know is I'm good at characters.

[Fusion X. Denver]

I was just remembering that one horror one-shot you wrote one time and it did a good job at creeping me out.

Though yeah, you should do a comedic short next time.

[DL]

I'll try ;D

I actually did this for a contest, where the p[rize money is 750 for 1st place, 450 for second place, and 250 for third place...hopin to win somethin, but kinda nervous cuz of my mistake xD

[The Warden]

You've been, wait for it.... [url=http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/topic/299580-wait-for-it-heart-breakers-episode-12-count-to-20-die/?p=6278373]HEART BROKEN![/url]

[Catterjune]

So... let me just make sure I got it all straight:

Jack, his friends Chris/Daniel, and Lauren were discussing pranking an old lady, by using Chris/Daniel's shirt, which had a scary face on it, to scare the daylights out of her.

At the house, Chris/Daniel takes off his shirt, then takes off his shirt again, kisses Lauren, murders her, then chases Jack upstairs only to find Jack had already killed himself.

I originally thought Chris/Daniel was just a figment of Jack's imagination and, after realizing he killed Lauren he killed himself. But that doesn't make sense because Lauren interacts with Chris/Daniel, and his shirt is important to the plot or whatever. So ultimately, Chris/Daniel gets away with murder? Seems like a pretty random ending, no motive and no reason but whatever. =\

 

Still probably better than half the stuff written on YCM though. I give it a B-, which is like a YCM A+.

[DL]

Nono, you see

 

Jack THOUGHT Chris (Daniel was my mistake) killed Laura...but in actuality, Jack had killed Laura, he just wasn't aware of it. The whole story. you are supposed to think Chris did it, but the ending reveals it was actually Chris.

 

So the whole point is to make you go "WTF, he was the one who did it all along? O.o" 

 

:3

[Catterjune]

So... what really happened then? Just including him there in the ending sentence would have been enough, if he existed at all.

I mean, it's not clever or anything. Just confusing at best and frustratingly stupid at worst.

[The Warden]

Yeah, basically that. If it actually requires explaining, them it's not WTF? worthy. It's just poorly conveyed meanings. As I said in my review, this story should be fleshed out more to improve pacing.

[DL]

@Pika - Adding him at the ending sentence? Then who would run away from Chris, thinking he was the one who killed her?

Now THAT would remove the point of the story....the WHOLE point. The point is that a guy kills a girl, but he thinks his friend did it, so he runs in desperation, but in the end the viewer understands it. Unless you mean Chris, in which case that would leave us with no chase. Besides, anyone who can leave a whole in a door with a baseball bat seems pretty real to me.... I showed this to my friends in class and THEY understood it so, either foreign people who speak English only moderately well, and are learning, can understand it better, or you just didn't pay enough attention.

Though I do admit the Daniel thing was a slip.

 

@Broke - I'm readin your review now, gonna comment in your thread shortly.

[Catterjune]

Re: "Adding him in the ending sentence":

What I mean is:

"In the next few days, every newspaper in town had been reporting on the events of the teenage boy, Jack Butler, who, under heavy influence of drugs, had assassinated his friend, Laura Ashworth, and soon after committed suicide by stabbing himself on the neck with a pair of scissors. The crime was reported by Chris/Daniel and Mrs Old Lady Face who's name I can't be asked to scroll up and look at."

We know the ultimate ending of Laura (she died) and Jack (He died too) but we don't find out the fate of Chris/Daniel. So it's unclear whether he really existed or what exactly was really and what really happened.

Re: "The point":

You claim "The point is that a guy kills a girl, but he thinks his friend did it, so he runs in desperation, but in the end the viewer understands it."

But... I really disagree that "the viewer understands it". Otherwise we wouldn't be having this discussion still. The plot twist is "ZOMG! Drugs are bad!" but I still think there's two possible endings and not enough evidence to discredit either:

a) Jake somehow killed Laura with his psychic powers (he was up a flight of stairs when she died), then fled into an old lady's bathroom and killed himself. Drugs are bad, m'kay. Also Chris/Daniel may or may not have really existed.

B) Chris/Daniel killed Laura, and Jake was an idiot who killed himself for no reason. Chris/Daniel got away with murder.


If ending A is valid, Jake hallucinated enough to kill Laura, then pretty much the entire story is discredited as being a pointless waste of time, because pretty much everything could have been a hallucination other than the ending. And since the ending makes zero mention of Chris/Daniel, it's implied the character and his involvement were also hallucinated, along with the chase scene, the baseball bat sized hole, and Jake's reason for killing himself.

If ending B is valid, then Chris/Daniel played a prank on Laura and Jake, and his prank was murder?


tl;dr - "It's not clever or anything. Just confusing at best and frustratingly stupid at worst."

[DL]

I actually did have a sentence at the end mentioning Chris and another one mentioning Mrs.Shelly but....I took them out at the end XP

I forgot why, now that I think about it. I think it felt cluttered to me.

 

 

Also if you paid attention, they were all upstairs XP Chris and Laura followed Jack up the stairs. When Jack stepped in front of them, he pushed her off the stairs.

 

The meaning of drugs are bad was actually not my intention, just a sort of Chekhov's gun or whatever, in which he is seen smokin, then they revealed he was under the influence of drugs.

 

Who else would just randomly wanna prank an old lady? XD

[Catterjune]

I think what really gets me here is that you purposely know the right way to ruin your story and, even after being told how to fix it you either make excuses and explanations, focus on smaller details and try to refute them instead of the actual complaint, or agree with the complaint and then go ahead and not fix the errors anyway.

I think I'll revise my original grade to a YCM B-, which is like and IRL D+.

[DL]

I think what really gets me here is that you purposely know the right way to ruin your story and, even after being told how to fix it you either make excuses and explanations, focus on smaller details and try to refute them instead of the actual complaint, or agree with the complaint and then go ahead and not fix the errors anyway.

I think I'll revise my original grade to a YCM B-, which is like and IRL D+.

I ain't gonna fix the errors of a story I already wrote x.x

Though I will keep the advice in mind for future works (I definitely gotta pay more attention)

 

And with that said, whenever I don't agree, I refute it because I want to point out what my point is, to see more of what points you have on the subject are, ebcause people can see stuff from other's perspective.

 

=P If I refute somethin, then I just ain't seein it from the angle you are

That said, I DO try to defend my story cuz I do kinda like it, but also because I dont see why not satiate my curiosity

 

 

And though this doesn't really matter, getting a different grade on the same written piece (not that getting a grade on a written piece at all reeeeally matters) means quite little to me.

 

Though perhaps it was changed based on your newfound knowledge on the story based on my arguments, though if that's the case there could be an alternate universe in which I didnt argue and just silently accepted the criticism (refer to point 1 as to why I dont change the story) and your grade woulda been final :3

 

...ok that last paragraph was pointless xD

I DO appreciate the criticism tho :3

 

so thank you~ 

[Thar]

One thing I will start doing that is actually the best advice anyone active in Creative Writing can get: Find some people to be your beta readers / editors to read your story before you post it. Send them the story with your mind set firmly on editing whatever your beta readers find and suggest changing. Once they're satisfied, then post it. At least the small bits will be out of the question, but since everyone's tastes are different, the odds of something being butchered for collective reasons by the reviewer (Broken) is still quite high.

 

Also, I learned this as well: Don't write a story and consider it something that it is not colloquially considered to be. Wait until the public (aka Broken's followers) labels it, then compromise.

[DL]

Guess all that time away from writing made me a bit rusty when it comes to receiving criticism XP

 

And yesss, actually, I DID have someone proofread it, but when they pointed out daniel, I fixed a couple in the beginning, but I did NOT see it later into the story X___x

 

 

Sidenote: fixed all Daniels to Chris, and fixed the taking off the shirt twice.