Hide & Seek (short story)

[Thar]

The reason why I said the 20th is because that's when Creepypasta's "closed submission time" will end.

 

DISCLAIMER: H.N. Elly suggested this idea, and I followed through on it. In the mean time, enjoy! ^^

 

[spoiler=Hide & Seek]“… 17… 18… 19…… 20! Ready or not, here I come!”

 

Samantha’s expression was glowing. Her blushed, speckled cheeks were lifted by a spirited grin that could make a soldier submit in front of his drillmaster. Her eyes glistened in the moonlight as she started to find her friends, who were hiding throughout the house during her favorite game of all time: Hide and seek. She skipped down the finished oak flooring in her pink, fluffy socks, not making a sound or even a creek. Her hands held themselves together against her back, restraining her arms from flailing around from her skipping.

 

It was midnight; much too late for a girl Samantha’s age. But tonight was an exception, for she was having a sleepover. This was Samantha’s mother’s only excuse to have her stay up this late, and Samantha couldn’t be happier with it. She always hated going to sleep because she was always full of energy, primarily to play games and watch cartoons. There wasn’t a single light turned on in the house, which Samantha prefers in a game of hide and seek – the game isn’t much fun with the lights on, because in the dark, at least people can sneak around with less of a chance of being seen.

 

The only light that Samantha relied on to see was the moonlight. This made things even more interesting for her to seek out her hiding friends. She imagined herself as a werewolf that, if she doesn’t find her friends soon, she will transform and doom us all. She giggled at the idea, prancing along blissfully and bubbly.

 

“Come out, come out, wherever you are!” she sang, looking around every corner she passed. The house was an exceptionally large manor laced with a labyrinth of long hallways that looked endless with the ends of them being shrouded in darkness. A typical guest would look down such a hallway and be driven mad by the sight of it stretching away and seemingly pulling you in, but Samantha looked at it as just another hallway to get from one part of the manor to another. Over the past few weeks, she’s gotten over her past fear of the dark simply by playing Hide and Seek with her friends every night. She enjoyed every day of it, and from what she understood, her friends did too.

 

After a few minutes of aimlessly looking, she began pulling curtains, lifting covers, and ducking under crawling spaces. She sighed, though she kept her bright composure and kept searching, “Come on, guys! Can you give me a hint?” Not a sound was heard except from the echo of her own voice.

 

A few more minutes passed before she let out a slight grumble, beginning to take heavier, poutier steps, “I’m serious, guys, I can’t find you!” It was when she said this that she saw a shadow fling across the moonlit floor around a corner. Samantha gasped, smiling as she galloped over to where the shadow landed.

 

“Found you!”
 

She whipped around the corner to see her first find in the game. Her friend Stephanie, wearing a turquoise sleeping gown with daisy decorations, laid motionless on the floor by the wall, paralyzed and attempting to blend with the unlit hall.

 

Stephanie giggled and tugged on her shoulders, “C’mon, Steph! I found you! We got to find the others!”

 

Stephanie said nothing, still motionless. Samantha pouted her lips, “Aww, you don’t have to be so embarrassed! You hid very well! Now let’s find the others!”

 

Stephanie still didn’t move. She wore a grave expression, as if depressed from being found at all if not the first to be found.

 

“Okay, you can stay hidden. I’ll go find the others! I’ll see you back in the living room!” Samantha skipped away to continue her search. Stephanie still did not budge. Another shadow whipped across the floor, matching that of a leaf blowing across the window.

 

The night creeped along as the moonlight stretched further along the manor’s floors. Samantha’s expression itself could’ve lit the place up, but no such light could be shown in a game as exciting as this. She went down another hallway, cloaked in darkness as she snuck along the walls like a cat. She heard a whirring sound like that of a werewolf in need of Ricola. Samantha failed to keep back a burst of laughter from the simile by tightening her lips.

 

The noise led her to where she thought it was… in the study. This is where her father would go while he is at home and needs to get some work done. Samantha didn’t like it when he was busy at home. She would rather have him play with her. Regardless, she snuck into the deserted room – normally she isn’t allowed in here, but her father was in his bedroom asleep, so she made this an exception. As the wind continued to blow outside, the door leading to the closet creaked open a hint, prompting Samantha to look into it. Her face brightened up again.

 

“Found you!”

 

Another friend of hers, Daniel, sat in shame, looking down at the ground before her, pouting. She didn’t say a word.

 

Samantha frowned, “Why is everyone such a poor sport today? This is supposed to be fun!” Samantha lifted Daniel’s chin up, looking at her pale expression. Her eyes were closed. “Oh!” Samantha realized, “You’re aslee-!” she lowered her voice, “…you’re asleep. I’ll carry you back to the living room.” Samantha hoisted Daniel up by her armpits and dragged her out of the closet and through the study door, onto the carpet in front of the firepit and the leather sofa.

 

Samantha looked the other direction, “I guess Steph is asleep as well. I should bring her back here, too.” Samantha pranced again back to where Stephanie was lying face first into the hardwood floor, not even snoring, which she usually does, “My my, Steph, this isn’t you to be sleeping this deep…” Samantha snickered with a wide grin, dragging Stephanie over to where Daniel was lying.

 

“Now to find the last person!” she declared, again, catching herself yelling in hopes she didn’t wake the other two up. Making sure she didn’t, she bolted down the remaining hallway from the living room down toward where the kitchen was. The kitchen was her favorite place in the manor. This was where, at pretty much ANY time, she would walk into it and see her mother cooking something delicious. Samantha can still smell the soothing aroma of chicken noodle soup on days where she was sick, and she would feel better almost instantly afterwards.

 

Another shadow coming from the kitchen pretty much gave away her last target’s position. She snuck up on the doorway, careful not to spook her and make her run into the next room. She slowly peeked around the corner into the kitchen, finding Flora’s body trying to crawl into the cupboard where the kitchen sink was over, “Found you!” Again, Samantha’s friend was motionless in humiliation, not uttering a word. Samantha groaned in frustration, “Why is everyone being so grumpy!” Samantha stormed over to Flora and pulled her out, seeing she was also asleep. She sighed, “I guess they can’t stay up as late as me. Oh well, I think I should get to bed, too.” She hoisted Flora up like she did with Stephanie and Daniel, pausing as she just passed the kitchen doorway into the hallway. She looked down it and could see her parents’ bedroom door. She placed Flora down gently to glance into the room to see, of course, two lumps in the blankets that were her folks’ butts. As he moonlight revealed the silhouette of this image, she spotted a red stream along the side of the bed. It had a bit of a glare to it, but Samantha figured it out, “Oh, that must be dad’s new robe! He said he’d be getting a new one recently!”

 

Samantha went back to dragging Flora to the living room where everyone else was sleeping. With that, all four girls were in the same room, three of them asleep and one about to. Yawning and stretching, Samantha saw some red marks on the floor that, precariously, trailed to each of her friends’ sleeping bodies. She put her hands to her mouth, nearly squealing…

 

“Oh my gosh, you guys trailed flowers in your sleep! You all will be there at my wedding! I love you all! Thank you so much!”

 

Tears ran down her glowing face as she yawned once more and snuggled next to her pals, savoring the moment, “Let’s have sleepovers every night, okay?” she whispered as she closed her eyes to go to sleep, knowing that tomorrow night, she will still not know that her friends and her parents have been dead for weeks from the plague that hit her state. Embracing her long late friends, their dried-up bloody cheeks kissed hers, which were still blushed and speckled.[/spoiler]

[Northern Sage]

You mixed up the names at one point, and the tenses at the end.

I think you captured the situation well, even if the setting is slightly on the stereotypical side. You've got some classic elements of build-up during the search.

However, the reveal doesn't come naturally. With the rest of the story working somewhat subtly, the directness here feels very abrupt and written like it is, the narration becomes a mess.

[DARKPLANT RISING]

Overall, I think it’s not bad, but that it could be much improved.

As aforementioned by others the situations are done nicely. Repeating and repeating is indeed a classic, but surprisingly effective method to foreshadow something nasty in the ending.

I think you could have maybe done a better job with the description, though. I can see you like describing, but as a result I found each sentence too long to read – you could split them into several, more rhythmical sentences so it’s easier to interpret. And yeah, Concrete Images. Perhaps you could add more of the five senses for then, sprinkling up the tension with vivid detail. You want the reader to feel like he’s there, you want to shove that fatass internet addict grinning in front of the screen into the body and brain of the innocent, young (if not creepy) girl that makes our one character.

You could also add some more hints as to what happened to the others, besides the everyone-being-silent thing. A lot of famous Japanese mystery authors love this Narration Trick – mentioning only a portion of the truth, hiding all the important parts, to make a surprise ending. I suppose it could be used nicely in here if you know how.

For instance, maybe, a mention of the smell in the house or something. Or the buzzing of flies. You could use Samantha’s narration to make it sound natural – tons of possible ways. Well, I’m not your editor so I’m not gonna be any more specific, but anyways.

Mind you, it was still a nice read.

[Thar]

Thanks for the feedback, guys!

 

You mixed up the names at one point, and the tenses at the end.

 

I tried to check where you meant. If you meant the part where "Samantha dragged Stephanie to where Daniel was", then that's right. She dragged Daniel to the living room before she decided to drag Stephanie, because she left Stephanie there until after she found Daniel.

 

As for the tenses... I'd have to do a full scan of the writing, because I know I might have slipped them in a few places, but the end seems fine to me.

 

I think you could have maybe done a better job with the description, though. I can see you like describing, but as a result I found each sentence too long to read – you could split them into several, more rhythmical sentences so it’s easier to interpret. And yeah, Concrete Images. Perhaps you could add more of the five senses for then, sprinkling up the tension with vivid detail. You want the reader to feel like he’s there, you want to shove that fatass internet addict grinning in front of the screen into the body and brain of the innocent, young (if not creepy) girl that makes our one character.

You could also add some more hints as to what happened to the others, besides the everyone-being-silent thing. A lot of famous Japanese mystery authors love this Narration Trick – mentioning only a portion of the truth, hiding all the important parts, to make a surprise ending. I suppose it could be used nicely in here if you know how.

For instance, maybe, a mention of the smell in the house or something. Or the buzzing of flies. You could use Samantha’s narration to make it sound natural – tons of possible ways. Well, I’m not your editor so I’m not gonna be any more specific, but anyways.

Mind you, it was still a nice read.

 

That sounds like a good thing to consider. And yeah, I tend to get over-descriptive. I'm the kind of guy that looks at things in a very sophisticated way, be it physical appearance, application in the setting, history, and/or meaning to the character. It's been that way for me since kindergarten.

[The Warden]

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