Drakenguard [ OOC / Started / Not Accepting ]

[Tormented]

Okay I completely rewrote the personality and bio for my character. I feel it is much improved. 

 

A review would be nice Kyng

 

So here is a a quick link

 

Yeah it's a little long, I spent like an hour or so just thinking of stuff to write.

[.:Blu:.]

Alright, thank you for the fixes, Raine.

I recommend you guys to start reviewing each other's apps instead of just asking Kyng to do it. Although if Kyng agrees to help, that's fine but just don't always rely on one person.

[Tormented]

I will be more than happy to review others, so If anyone wants me to review them let me know.

[Aix]

I will be more than happy to review others, so If anyone wants me to review them let me know.

I don't see how he can be a Psychotic fighter while at the same time dislike fighting. You should explain that more clearly.

 

Considering how we don't actually know much about the recruitment process and stuff, I don't think it was necessary or a good idea to write a passage about it in the bio.

 

Love the flaming wings, though fire storm could do with a better explanation. What are the fire heavens? Does he simply make fire fall from the sky? Is it really powerful? Limited accuracy doesn't seem like a good reason because against an army, it's bound to hit something, costing a lot of energy could be a reason to hold back an attack though or it may simply not be his style.

[Super Chaos Sonic]

[quote name="Spectre Sonic" post="6255736" timestamp="1376329921"]Alright, I have my app finished (so far).   I would like it to be critiqued, por favor! Just in case I need to add something or not.   [url=http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/topic/305479-drakenguard-ooc-not-started-accepting-limited/?p=6254039]My App[/url][/quote] Xel... if you could please. I'll try to look over yours...though...I'm a bit slow with that stuff.

[Tormented]

I don't see how he can be a Psychotic fighter while at the same time dislike fighting. You should explain that more clearly.

 

Considering how we don't actually know much about the recruitment process and stuff, I don't think it was necessary or a good idea to write a passage about it in the bio.

 

Love the flaming wings, though firestorm could do with a better explanation. What are the fire heavens? Does he simply make fire fall from the sky? Is it really powerful? Limited accuracy doesn't seem like a good reason because against an army, it's bound to hit something, costing a lot of energy could be a reason to hold back an attack though or it may simply not be his style.

 

Well someone who is Psychotic doesn't necessarily have to enjoy fighting. Although I see where you are coming from, I'll give a better description as to why he is Psychotic but doesn't like fighting soonish.

 

As for the recruitment process I would rather have put something there than having nothing at all. So that's something that can be changed at a later date when the recruitment concept has been fully finalized.

 

I agree that the firestorm was extremely poorly descriptive and alas I should probably fix that up. 

 

And yes Sonic I can have give you a little bit of personal advice.

[Kyng's Old Account]

I recommend you guys to start reviewing each other's apps instead of just asking Kyng to do it. Although if Kyng agrees to help, that's fine but just don't always rely on one person.

[Aix]

Xel... if you could please. I'll try to look over yours...though...I'm a bit slow with that stuff.

Hard to tell how tall your guy is, especially with an Elsword picture.

 

Nothing wrong with the bio or the personality. You manage to cover plenty even though it's relatively short (something I can't do for some reason).

 

I see nothing really wrong with your Combat. He's probably weaker than most other applicants, but that's perfectly fine and it's great that you give him room for improvement. Though I don't see the point of a Z-shaped fireball.

 

 

Could anyone else also skim over my app?

[Tormented]

So changes have been made, I removed the Fighter bit altogether so it just says psychotic and gave a better description for Fire Storm.

[Aix]

So how many are you accepting now? You say 2 in the OP, but you said somewhere that you would be increasing the number of accepted applicants, so 3 now?

[Super Chaos Sonic]

[quote name="-AixDivadis-" post="6255812" timestamp="1376334971"]Hard to tell how tall your guy is, especially with an Elsword picture.   Nothing wrong with the bio or the personality. You manage to cover plenty even though it's relatively short (something I can't do for some reason).   I see nothing really wrong with your Combat. He's probably weaker than most other applicants, but that's perfectly fine and it's great that you give him room for improvement. Though I don't see the point of a Z-shaped fireball.   Could anyone else also skim over my app?[/quote] 1. OK...I'll add height to it 2. Thanks. I've been practicing lol 3. Weaker? Hmmm...didn't think of that. As for Z fireball...dunno really. I'll fix that too.

[.:Blu:.]

Aix, I'm thinking three or four; maybe even five if I'm feeling the story would be able to move along smoothly.

EDIT: Sonic, did you add your character's height? I don't see it under the "Appearance". I'm reading from the app on the front page btw. Nvm, you said you will add it, my mistake. Also, your wyvern pic is no longer working.

[Super Chaos Sonic]

No longer working? Oh no... I'll see what I can change for it...

[The White Wolf]

*One sleep later*

 

Thirty two notifications... I am beginning to regret following this.

 

ANYWAY, I'd love to have a third opinion on my app. I'd be happy to (try) and give a review in return, too.

[Astolfo]

If someone can review my app, tell me how it can become better, I'll do the same for them.

[Asriel Dreemurr]

If someone can review my app, tell me how it can become better, I'll do the same for them.

 

About your appearance, I'm really not certain why you said he didn't have a tail.  Last I checked that's not even remotely normal for humans.  About his battle appearance...seems just a bit too much like Natsu Dragneel for me but other than that I have no real problems with it.

 

Raionhāto seems...well almost contradictory.  You say several times that he isn't a coward but also that he isn't a fool, yet the only examples for this behavior you give are of how he would behave foolishly.  I'd recommend that you give a few examples of how he would "act according to his chances" or however you specifically put it.  Now this could just be how I interpret your wording, but when you talked about his opinion on the hatred he has for dragons it almost seems like he knows  that the dragons are not extinct while pretty much every other human doesn't have the slightest inkling of that truth.

 

His bio doesn't really fit with what it seems we're going to be.  You've got him set up as a sort of veteran of the Wyvern Corps when we're supposed to be new recruits without any real combat experience so far.  The bit with Reiki doesn't really add up as well since I'm pretty sure he'd get his Wyvern upon actually joining the corps, and it seems to me that you think that there's been war between the dragons and humans recently which quite honestly there has not.  Not sure how long ago the Draken-Hume war was but I get the feeling that time could be measured in thousands of years.  You also make him out to be something of a prodigy, which I'm not saying is bad but again a lot of your specifics rely on him having live combat experience which I'm fairly certain that we, as recruits, ought to not have.  And now we get to the comment you made at the beginning about his life being rather sad.  Honestly it seems fairly ordinary given that we're in like the middle ages for his father to die when he's young.  I would not describe that as being "rather sad" when there are likely children living in their own filth on the streets with none but themselves to look out for them.  Then there's the fact that you mention something about him being able to "link with his Wyvern" and then never say anything about it in the abilities section.

 

Weapons seem alright, link to Reiki's appearance is broken but you do a decent job of describing him.  That said, I really  REALLY think you're pushing it a bit too far with him considering the wings as you describe them don't sound like they'd even lift him off the ground.  Having fur and feathers is fine, but flying with arms doesn't really work.  Overall the design sounds much more like a Pokémon than a Wyvern.

 

Manipulating the Energies of Heaven is just...well...Godlike.  That's not a good thing when we're supposed to be starting out as recruits.  Rekka Shōkyaku  has much too long of a range and is definitely too wide especially since it can "incinerate almost anything."  Other special move doesn't seem bad but I think you ought to be more specific on how frequently it can be used, and maybe for both of his special moves you ought to put in a more severe penalty to using them.  Both of his normal spells seem alright.

 

Overall opinion is that the way you built your character with such a magic-centered moveset you ought to have made him primarily a member of the Magic Brigade and quite honestly maybe not have a Wyvern at all.  

 

Now then, since you offered to review your reviewer's app in return, here's the link for ease.  http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/topic/305479-drakenguard-ooc-not-started-accepting-limited/?p=6255392

[Super Chaos Sonic]

Height, wyvern pic, and edited move for wvyern....DONE!! XD

 

Dunno what else to change...so, imma leave this here: O_O

[Astolfo]

About your appearance, I'm really not certain why you said he didn't have a tail.  Last I checked that's not even remotely normal for humans.  About his battle appearance...seems just a bit too much like Natsu Dragneel for me but other than that I have no real problems with it.

One of the links for his appearance had a tail in it, so I was saying he didn't. And the battle appearance was based more off of Tsuna actually.

Raionhāto seems...well almost contradictory.  You say several times that he isn't a coward but also that he isn't a fool, yet the only examples for this behavior you give are of how he would behave foolishly.  I'd recommend that you give a few examples of how he would "act according to his chances" or however you specifically put it.  Now this could just be how I interpret your wording, but when you talked about his opinion on the hatred he has for dragons it almost seems like he knows  that the dragons are not extinct while pretty much every other human doesn't have the slightest inkling of that truth.

Alright, I'll fix that. However, he loves dragons, not hate them. And he doesn't know if they exist or not, but it was saying he wished he could, if they still existed. And where did it say that he acted like he thought dragons weren't extinct?

His bio doesn't really fit with what it seems we're going to be.  You've got him set up as a sort of veteran of the Wyvern Corps when we're supposed to be new recruits without any real combat experience so far.  The bit with Reiki doesn't really add up as well since I'm pretty sure he'd get his Wyvern upon actually joining the corps, and it seems to me that you think that there's been war between the dragons and humans recently which quite honestly there has not.  Not sure how long ago the Draken-Hume war was but I get the feeling that time could be measured in thousands of years.  You also make him out to be something of a prodigy, which I'm not saying is bad but again a lot of your specifics rely on him having live combat experience which I'm fairly certain that we, as recruits, ought to not have.  And now we get to the comment you made at the beginning about his life being rather sad.  Honestly it seems fairly ordinary given that we're in like the middle ages for his father to die when he's young.  I would not describe that as being "rather sad" when there are likely children living in their own filth on the streets with none but themselves to look out for them.  Then there's the fact that you mention something about him being able to "link with his Wyvern" and then never say anything about it in the abilities section.

He's joined the Wyvern Corps rather recently, then he joined the Brigade with money he earned from the Corps, as well as other small jobs, and he's in both now. And I'll fix some of the other stuff you said. And "linking" with his wyvern is more just of a bond, rather than an actual ability. Also, where did it talk so it seemed there was a recent war?

Weapons seem alright, link to Reiki's appearance is broken but you do a decent job of describing him.  That said, I really  REALLY think you're pushing it a bit too far with him considering the wings as you describe them don't sound like they'd even lift him off the ground.  Having fur and feathers is fine, but flying with arms doesn't really work.  Overall the design sounds much more like a Pokémon than a Wyvern.
 
Manipulating the Energies of Heaven is just...well...Godlike.  That's not a good thing when we're supposed to be starting out as recruits.  Rekka Shōkyaku  has much too long of a range and is definitely too wide especially since it can "incinerate almost anything."  Other special move doesn't seem bad but I think you ought to be more specific on how frequently it can be used, and maybe for both of his special moves you ought to put in a more severe penalty to using them.  Both of his normal spells seem alright.
 
Overall opinion is that the way you built your character with such a magic-centered moveset you ought to have made him primarily a member of the Magic Brigade and quite honestly maybe not have a Wyvern at all.  
 
Now then, since you offered to review your reviewer's app in return, here's the link for ease.  http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/topic/305479-drakenguard-ooc-not-started-accepting-limited/?p=6255392

The links should be working, and the wyvern's appearance is based off Yveltal.
Also, I'll tone down powers and all.
And I'll review yours.

EDIT: Hey Blu, I'll finish up my app around tomorrow or Wednesday.

[Asriel Dreemurr]

One of the links for his appearance had a tail in it, so I was saying he didn't. And the battle appearance was based more off of Tsuna actually.Alright, I'll fix that. However, he loves dragons, not hate them. And he doesn't know if they exist or not, but it was saying he wished he could, if they still existed. And where did it say that he acted like he thought dragons weren't extinct?

 

 Also, where did it talk so it seemed there was a recent war?

He's joined the Wyvern Corps rather recently, then he joined the Brigade with money he earned from the Corps, as well as other small jobs, and he's in both now.

I didn't say your character did, I'm saying the way you wrote things made it seem like he knew they weren't.  Namely things like wanting the hatred "between the two races" to end.  That implies that he knows dragons hate humans, and to hate something you have to be around to care about it.

 

You didn't specifically say there was a recent war, but "All the war in the world could not change that about him." implies that he's seen war in his life.

 

 

And that's just it, we're not supposed to have joined it recently.  We're going through the recruiting process now.  We've all literally just signed up and are off to basic training.

[.:Blu:.]

Just to clear things up for you, Keto, the Draken-Hume War took place just over 300 years ago.

Also, Neph, one of your wyvern pic links (the first one) is broken so you might wanna change that. Although I would recommend replacing your wyvern with one that looks more dragon-like. Yveltal looks more akin to a bird.

[Asriel Dreemurr]

Just to clear things up for you, Keto, the Draken-Hume War took place just over 300 years ago.

 

Alright, was just a bit confused because no definite times were ever given.  Now to Neph, a decent example of what is meant by Wyverns are the Dragons in Skyrim.  Technically they are Wyverns.

 

Also, I'd like to have the opinion of anyone who wants to give it on my app.

[Admiral_Stalfos19]

There we are. This should acceptable on a technical stand-point, but as for how it stacks up to the others...

 

...

 

Care to review, Kyng? I don't mind reviews from anyone else, but I wouldn't have asked for you specifically if Alayna didn't fit your criteria ;)

[Enrise]

I changed the username of my app.

 

I really think a Carbonado dragon would be sick to see.

[a bad post]

I feel like we abused Kyng a little ^^'

 

Anyway if anyone wants to review my app, I'll review theirs. I have made changes to height and weight, because of Kyng's suggestion.

[Enrise]

I feel like we abused Kyng a little ^^'

 

Anyway if anyone wants to review my app, I'll review theirs. I have made changes to height and weight, because of Kyng's suggestion.

 

Speak for yourself, I only raped used Kyng's position to review apps once.

 

Which was well worth it.