Assassin's Creed: Legion

[Ezmoe]

Alright, this is, what I hope to be a success in the creative commons section of the forum. I'm pretty sure anyone who's played AC has always dreamed of being an Assassin. This is my own interpretation on AC, though I based Xavier off parts of me and certain buddies of mine to make a great character. I have recently started working on the first chapter of this story, but I wanted to release a prologue, in order to give the reader a taste. CnC is wanted, just not insults as the Jack-Clause says. Now honestly, I'm not the best writer in the world, but I hope to better myself through this.

[spoiler= Plot]

There is small patches of major bases in secretive places. This one is at Sea, it's called The Board,  an ex-soviet aircraft carrier given to Assassins in 1978, where the mentor at the time struck a deal with a Russian General who favored the cause. It is now 2013, and British Assassin, Xavier Thompson, was trained on The Board, along with countless other masters today. Assassins now have a chance to get the upper hand on the Templars, and recover a piece of Eden, however it will take Xavier to do the job.

[/spoiler]

[spoiler= Prologue]

 

    “Never in my life have I thought it went that far back.” Xavier said as he stepped out of the animus.

 

   “Yes, our heritage goes as far back as Christ itself.” The Mentor explained, “We were our best during many times in history, the 3^rd Crusade perhaps, The Renaissance of Italy, Colonial America, the brotherhood has even had a pirate's life at one point.”

 

   “The history seems off somehow,” Xavier exclaimed, “As if it-”

 

   “It was never in any history books you'd read in the library?” The Mentor spoke, “That's because it wasn't, no one even knows about the Assassins, why, one might ask, is because unfortunately, history is remembered, written, and told, by the victor.” The Mentor said with a look of depression.

 

   “With all do respect Mentor, I needed the history lesson, with the way I've been acting lately, I needed a reminder of why we do what we do.” Xavier said, “But that's not the only reason I'm here is it?”

 

   The Mentor, hesitantly, said, “Xavier, I have your file here in our database. It reads that your father enlisted you at the age of 16, your psych records say that you were lost, depressed, possibly contemplating suicide, but as your time as an Assassin passed, not only did these thoughts pass, you reached the rank of Master at 25. Not to shoot you down, but that's close to our record.” The Mentor went on and on about Xavier, until Xavier cut him off.

 

    “So you know me....” Xavier said with a grin on his face.

 

   “More better than you think, now we need your skills once more. You may just save this fragment of the order, but only if you comply.” The Mentor pleaded.

 

   “In that case, just say the word, Mentor, and my blade is yours to command,” Xavier said.

 

   “We need more of a private place to talk.” The Mentor said as he walked over to his desk. He typed on his computer until gears and mechanics started going off and on, and the chest behind his desk opened, revealing a stair case.

 

   “Follow me.” The Mentor motioned the surprised Xavier in his direction, “We have work to do..”

[/spoiler]

 

I've read the rules, I will respect and follow them. 

[NoshpalStefan]

Okay, as a fellow writer and a huge fan of the AC franchise, I'll attempt, though perhaps in futility, to give you some helpful tips:

 

1) There was already a movie called Assassin's Creed: Lineage and I think a Game (one of the smaller PSP or DS titles) called AC: Legacy; thus, change the name. Be more creative!

2) The plot is, admittedly, interesting; however, not enough so for me to be as intrigued as I was expecting to be. I wouldn't recommend you change it, but be weary of the standard AC Story Structure; in other words, plot twists. You need lots of them.

3) The prologue is rather generic and cliche. A prologue needs to capture the reader's attention! This does not. A meeting with the Master is generic. And although I liked you giving a throwback to other AC games with one of the first lines, you need to step it up a notch. A creative method that I've always loved is starting with a later dramatic scene - the character dying or in an intense battle or something - and then starting to tell the story from the beginning. States of time are yours in the world of Creative Writing; use them wisely!

 

In short, if you were a tad lazy to read that, he's a short summary: too generic. Fix it and if you want take my advice. Has potential. Not clearly presented in the prologue. But, don't do the usual and give up, just try and fix some of the things I've pointed out.

[Ezmoe]

Alright, I'm going to fix it up! I didn't know about the AC:Legacy, I'll think on that. I wanted to do a scene from the story, but I didn't want it to be too revealing. I want to add more to the plot, All I think I wrote was just fun facts, and then a one-sentenced plot. I'll look into this, thank you for a good review, you sir, have earned a rep! I'll look into changing this up a bit...

[KindredTether]

"The prologue is rather generic and cliche. A prologue needs to capture the reader's attention! This does not. A meeting with the Master is generic."

 

Sorry about copy-paste, but this sums it up pretty well.

[NoshpalStefan]

"The prologue is rather generic and cliche. A prologue needs to capture the reader's attention! This does not. A meeting with the Master is generic."

 

Sorry about copy-paste, but this sums it up pretty well.

Why thank you. Here's a cookie like.