Astolfo Posted May 16, 2013 Report Share Posted May 16, 2013 [hr] Their days of having fun will be cut short when a trio of friends discover an innocuous object, which will matter all the world soon enough. Embark on a journey through time and space as they must break away from their normal lives, which will be forever changed when a cruel organization comes hunting for them and the precious object with a earth-changing power. Whether the trio will survive the oncoming hunt, well, that's for fate to decide… [hr]PRØLØGUE [spoiler=ZERØ]ZERØ: [hr] Some armed bank robbers who had hit dozens of such buildings in [acronym='Fay-url-nia']Feirlnia[/acronym] laughed out loud, having hit the jackpot with this bank, with a nice sum of a hundred million [acronym='1 Jewell is roughly around $1.02']jewells[/acronym]. Shooting grapple guns mounted to their arms, they flew up to the building's roof. They took their time however, due to having put the men who worked their to "sleep". With their handy silenced guns, they didn't have to worry about the usually loud recoil, as long as they were careful not to hit anything else. There was no way anyone could've found out yet. The "bulkiest" of the four had just struggled up his rope, before landing in a haphazard heap tiredly at the top. The boss, who was distinguishable through his nicer clothing and arrogant posture, rolled his eyes. Dumb fatass keeps holding us back. Do I even need this retard? Looking towards the sky, the custom built helicopter the boss had been loaned from one of his contacts was quietly flying over to where they were. Jeez, that money-begging wise-crack really did it. He really made that silent helicopter. Those strange rotor blades he replaced the old ones with look so ugly though. Pah. At least it works. Unfortunately for them, the escape they had planned was about to be interrupted. Trusting in their stealth and illegal - albeit outdated and rusty - revolvers, they hadn't bothered with any other defense mechanism or get-away back-up. Normally, with them having so much money, they'd probably have some super powerful gun. With the strict restriction on some of the core parts though, even other criminals had a hard time obtaining any, and thus, the rather "less-than-preferable" quality of the guns. However, they were some of the few long-range weapons, and they still outmatched plain weapons, giving the thieves quite a hefty advantage. "Oy! Up there! It's not polite to take people's money. I'd suggest returning it to that nice little bank you happened to take it from. Shame the men are dead though. Wonder who killed them?" Surprisingly, the voice that rang out wasn't anything of an adult, but had some qualities of a younger person, perhaps around the age of nineteen at the most. Towards the end of the call-out though, the voice took on a warning tone that any sensible person would notice. Completely astounded anyone noticed them, the men all stood still for a second, frozen. The boss was the first to recover from the shock and pointed at one of his subordinates, a rather ordinary man with a pinched face. "Look and tell me what you see." Peering over the edge of the building, the rather dull man didn't correlate the signature features of a certain figure with them. Not much about the gender could be told through the inflections that had been spoken so far and neither did the body of the person, and the man assumed it to be a male, due to the lack of a bust. Squinting his eyes for a closer look at the self-invited guest, he noticed that the person seemed to be dressed in a dark blue uniform, which was eye-catching, when overlaid with the gold trim around the garb. A fluttering cape of a crimson shade was revealed to be the same blue coloring on the back when a sudden gust of wind pushed it up though. The part that drew the bandit's eyes though was the rather nice sword the figure seemed to own, a class in its own, with a beautiful golden inlay and lustrous silvery blade. A fancy butterfly mask of sorts donning the face of the figure down on the ground finished his appearance, covering his face with only thin slits for visibility. The boss became annoyed when the man he told to take a look failed to respond timely and yelled at him what he saw. Trembling in fear of his boss, the man stuttered out a semi-garbled blab. "H-h-he had a butterfly mask and a sword with a hole boss!" The other three members all suddenly froze. "You goddamn idiot! That's the Phantom Paladin! Damnit! HURRY UP AND LAND THE HELL DOWN PILOT! NOW!" The boss angrily yelled at the others, thinly veiling his own fear, panicking of the legendary rumors about the Paladin. Killing with a single stroke. Teleporting. The speed and strength of a god. [hr] "Well this is unfortunate. For you." The Phantom sighed. It was a pain to dealing with these kind of highwaymen. Holding his sword in a guard stance, he tensed up in preparation for his next move. With a sudden resounding push, he spun his sword to the side and accelerated through the air at a terrifying pace towards the roof. Flying a few feet above the edge on purpose, flipping, he lightly landed. Flicking the sword around in a flurry of moonlight, he pointed the tip at the boss. "Now. Am I going to have to do this the hard way or the easy way?" [hr] Shrieking in terror, the boss pulled out his revolver and aimed it at the Phantom, and shouted to his subordinates to do it as well. Funnily enough, the other three members did the exact opposite and surrendered in front of the Phantom, laying down their money and weapons before bowing down to the ground. Going insane with terror and the frustration of having their plans cut so close, he yelled involuntarily before clenching his finger to pull the trigger… And suddenly started coughing violently as a sword slid right through the bullet, through the gun barrel, in, and then out of the boss' chest smoothly. Pulling his blade out, he flicked the blood off the blade before resheathing it, ignoring the now dead man who had toppled over, in a pool of blood. [hr] [The next day] The police officer who was stationed at the jail for his shift last night jolted awake when he slipped out of the chair he was reclining in and hit his head. Blearily wiping his eyes, he looked around. "… what…? Oh crap! I fell asleep. Need to check… need to check…" Quickly standing up, he walked over to the sectioned off room where the prisoners were, taking his role count sheet with him. "…Mandel… check…Santiago… check…Maxel…check… Hm? Who're these three?" Noticing three new members that weren't on the list, he was perplexed. How did these three get in here? Who the hell would break into a jail anyway? Looking for clues, a sudden gleam of metal caught his eye. Peering at the wall next to the cell, he noticed a strange metal card. On - what he assumed to be - the front side, he noticed a golden butterfly-esque logo, and immediately called his officers. Not for anything bad though. Quite the opposite. Quite the opposite. [hr] "Looks like the Phantom gave us a few new guests." [hr][/spoiler] [hr] Please comment in this thread for reviews and the like. Reps will be given to good reviewers who write something more than just a few of sentences and actually have a meaningful intent, and not just "fluffed". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
a bad post Posted May 16, 2013 Report Share Posted May 16, 2013 I liked it, it was well written, though it did seem to be a little short, but its just the opening chapter. I liked the visuals provided that was a nice add-on. My suggestion provide a little more description, while the whole chapter had nice flow, it lacked imagery. Not much else to say, but I hope to see more. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Umbra Posted May 16, 2013 Report Share Posted May 16, 2013 Do yourself a favor. Read this to yourself, and read it aloud, preferably in as dramatic a voice as possible. Do it now; I'll wait. Doesn't it sound odd to you? From the un-pronouncable Feirlnia, to your less-than-appropriate placements of emphasis where they don't really fit the context, to the lack of continuity (are they climbing up to the helicopter, as the text seems to imply, or is it landing?) to the... oddities of a world... a silenced helicopter? Really? I'm no professional when it comes to helicopters, but I'm not even sure how you would silence one. Pad the rotors? And I'm not even past the first paragraph yet! The word "further" appears at random intervals when you describe the Phantom for no good reason, breaking the flow of the reading entirely. Also, I'm going to read The Phantom with Bane's voice from here on out, simply because of his word choice. There's much more I could cover, but I think you get the point. This could use a fair bit of editing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Astolfo Posted May 16, 2013 Author Report Share Posted May 16, 2013 Thanks Sapphyre/Umbra. I'll fix it when I get back to my computer. Apologies for the bad prologue. D: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bury the year Posted May 17, 2013 Report Share Posted May 17, 2013 Also, why do you need two threads for this? Post everything in one. 'Tis the rules. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Astolfo Posted May 17, 2013 Author Report Share Posted May 17, 2013 Any better now? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Astolfo Posted May 18, 2013 Author Report Share Posted May 18, 2013 Reviews pweaze? ;3; Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Warden Posted May 22, 2013 Report Share Posted May 22, 2013 You've been, wait for it... [url=http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/topic/299580-wait-for-it-heart-breakers-episode-9-gratuitous-japanese-title-sub-holder/?p=6206219]HEART BROKEN![/url] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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