The first chapter of my novel - Blindness: The Unforgivable Sin (Title Prone to Change)

[NoshpalStefan]

Okay, so this is the first chapter of a novel dealing with the blindness of the main character, and no reason for me to say more. I require objective reviews, and it would be great if someone could say how "interesting" the opening chapter is, because we all know that a dull opening = unsuccessful piece. So, go wild, attack the movie as long as it's objective, and don't worry about me being...heartbroken. (eyes blatantly turn to reference a previous story and a rather dissatisfied member). Here we go:

 

[spoiler=Blindness Novel First Chapter]

 

It is customary for the blind to be the worst sinners; after all, they cannot see their mistakes.

 

People say that the blind don’t dream. They say that I shouldn't dream. Perhaps they are right. Maybe I’ve lost the right to dream. No, I am sure as hell that I haven’t! I deserve pity! I need comfort for what has happened, for what I've done! I should not be forbidden the right to dream; somehow there must be a way for me to drown these memories of sorrow! Someone give me a way to reassure myself that what I've done can be repaired! I need to murder those horrid memories; I must be given the option to create new life. Rid me of my “illness”, as they call it, and let me forget what blinded me.

 

 

Yet, the memory never fades. It just flickers before my eyes, and the flashing light screams to me: “You will never be the same. You will always fail. You are nothing but ashes that will turn into more ashes, and even that is too good for you. You don’t deserve to live”.

 

The dream never leaves me. I was fifteen during that warm summer day, in a rather large village. I was so young and ignorant! But, besides my flaws, that shouldn't have happened. I shouldn't have been stricken with such an awful fate. During sleepless nights, my mind wanders to the thought “What if?” Oh god, how that thought penetrates my fragile mind! What if, god? What if I deserved what happened to me?

 

Sitting in front of my canvas, spending yet another sleepless night, confusing myself with thoughts of pain and misery, I could not help but fall on my knees and try to find god. But, it matters not. The mind cannot go further than the painful dream. Oh, how I wish that the image left me. But, the mind still recollects the same memory – again, and again, and again.

 

The date was the thirteenth of July, a warm summer Friday in a year that I can’t seem to remember. I was sprinting, running from the police. Occasionally, I turned back to see whether I had lost the cops, but doing so proved to be in vain – I just couldn't escape.

 

The police simply wouldn't stop chasing me! No matter how fast I ran, no matter how cleverly I tried to escape, they were persistently after me! “They’re getting closer and closer” – I thought to myself fearfully, panicking as sweat dripped down my face. “Oh god, oh god, this is the end of me, this is my ticking bomb!” – I blabbered uncontrollably.

Why were they chasing me? Well, I murdered a banker.

 

“Don’t judge me!” – I screamed as they ran after me, trying to somehow prove to them that I needed the money. And I hated the banker anyhow. Always dressing smart as a goddamned snob, relying on nothing but his money! But, he wasn't a god – in fact, there’s only one god; but, it is best not to dwell on such implications for the time being. He was such a detestable person, so, I killed him. He was a weakling that was apparently protected by a wall of wealth. Yet, where was that wall when I stood in front of him?

 

Oh god, you know that I did it out of pure need! My family was in need of money—they needed my help! But, nothing matters to you, I suppose. It is you that brought me to this blind husk of worthlessness!

 

Soon enough, I was running so fast that I must have appeared as a blur to the cops. I was sure I would get away with it – surely, the fates loved me. Yet, I was wrong: the fates actually struck with a horrid knife, much like the one I used on the banker. Only this knife struck with an immense stab to the eyes. That was the final light I saw. I didn’t know whether it was an object that struck me, but I could not forget that gleam of light. In a moment’s time, it was gone, replacing itself with pain.

But, the pain faded. Now, there is nothing but darkness, and the loneliness that I feel as I sit in front of my canvas, trying to draw my dream. And yet, none can draw such pain, such sorrow to the soul - none can fix this gaping hole!

 

I hope my prayers reach you. I sincerely hope that you aren't too busy on your divine table, pin-pointing who you shall punish and who you shall reward next. But, even if you didn't listen to my constant cries, I must ask this: What do you look like? I know many ask you this, and I know many imagine you as the white-bearded mentor and healer of pain, but I absolutely had to ask. Because if you look anything like that blinding flash, if you feel anything like the stabbing pain, if you sound like that final, penetrating punishment, then you truly must be one heartless bastard.[/spoiler]

[NoshpalStefan]

Bumpity bump people.

[NoshpalStefan]

People, seriously, bump...

[The Warden]

Just an fyi; reviewing you again would be showing blatant favouritism, and everyone deserves their fair share of scorn. So, rest assured that I won't be chewing you out again, at least not for a good while anyways. Though, nice to see that you aren't holding a grudge.

[NoshpalStefan]

Although lacking modesty, I must say that when regarding something I really love like writing, I don't hold grudges. That would show subjective views towards my writing and render it worse than it should be. As I said in another post, I'm not attacking you or your critique on my snow piece - as a matter of fact, I'm glad that unlike some people on this forum, you had the internet guts to actually break down my piece and look at it objectively.

 

However, even though you don't want to show favoritism, I'm hoping you have friends that like reading and reviewing writing so that you can point them to this - you don't have to, I'm just politely suggesting.

 

Now that that is out of the way, anyone else willing to look at this piece and review it objectively? It's slowly but surely turning into a novel (or a novella at least), so I need to know if it has a good intro / does this chapter live up to be the opening to a novel(la)?

[The Dark Magician*]

it does have a good start but i think it could use more detail like when he/she murdered the banker

[NoshpalStefan]

Well I wanted to keep a bit of intrigue by not revealing too much about the scene, but rather tell it later in the novel; however, maybe it would be good if I extended the first chapter to describe more of the scene - in any case, I'd like more opinions on it before blatantly changing the whole pace of the chapter.

[Merci]

Alright, as a fellow novelist, I'll review this for you. That okay?

 

First off, for the level of quality you seem to be aiming at, this 'first chapter' seems to be rather short, but maybe that's just my standards clashing with yours. I've noticed your writing style is a bit extravagant, as it tends to overuse exclamations too much! And the way you put it – yes, the way you put it! It's a little odd in this modern age. I'm sure plenty of much older readers will enjoy it, but I can't say the same about the younger. Don't misunderstand, your way of writing is fairly rare, and absolutely captivating in its own way. It may take some time for the reader to get used to, but I'm sure that if they manage to get past it, they'll ease into your writing. Also, you put thoughts "like this" instead of like this. Again, fairly minor and I'm sure the reader can get used to it pretty quickly, but hello? This is the 21st century?

 

The first line 'It is customary for the blind to be the worst sinners; after all, they cannot see their mistakes.' is great and is an obvious hook for a reader. By the way, if you're aiming for a 'story about physical blindness', maybe you should research about it first before you launch yourself into this - blind people do in fact dream, but if it's just the ramblings of the main character, I suppose I can let that drop.

 

But as for the second paragraph, it's such a large turn-off that I'm sure a fair amount of readers would put the book back into the library right there and then. How do I say this...it doesn't introduce anything. The setting, the character. If the first line is an attracting magnet, then this is a repelling magnet. The reader gets to know that the story is related to blindness with this amazingly put line, but suddenly they're launched into all this incoherent rambling that only tires them. If I were you, I'd emphasize the darkness the character is experiencing first (maybe a description on how much the character relates to this line), just so the reader has gotten used to and understands the concept that the main character is in fact, blind.

 

Now, rambling isn't exactly a bad thing. I do it too. It's just not healthy to introduce the reader to rambling straightaway, and they need to know the reason about why he's rambling before he starts doing it, since they're seeing the world through his perspective. A reader can't relate to anything he says without having an idea why.

 

As for everything else, there's not much for me to say. The story is good, understandable, and enough for the reader to relate with the main character. Whether it's a masterpiece, that's for your audience to decide.

[NoshpalStefan]

Kirei, thank you, first of all, for your honesty. Now, as for why the first chapter is so short - don't worry, not all chapters are that short; however, maybe this was an influence from The Kite Runner, but I just wanted to make a short first chapter to just catch some interest in the reader. In any case, I can make it longer by describing the murder of the banker, or perhaps elaborating on the feelings of the character, and so on.

 

As for research on physical blindness, I did quite some research on it. I realize that the blind do still dream but since the MC (main character) was blinded when he was a child, he still sees and imagines and dreams of the world as it was then. He is not blinded from birth so normally he does have the capability to dream vividly. I also researched something and for the sake of the literary elements I decided that his blindness allows him to see fractions of light so he can see the sun's rays.

 

It would be helpful if you could tell me what I could change about the second paragraph (and the whole chapter overall) so that it doesn't seem like a disappointment after the hook. I could introduce more about the feelings of the character and his past overall, but I was planning on doing that in the second - third chapter. Would introducing the murder of the banker / the chase scene and the way he felt during that. I need the first chapter to be something interesting and intriguing - it needs to be the obvious hook so that the reader doesn't immediately put down the book. After all, an intriguing first chapter is enough to cover for the staleness of a whole book - not saying that it should or that it will, but that it can.

 

As for my writing style, it's definitely old-fashioned - I know this because the influence comes from me constantly reading classics / writers from pre-20th century. I'm trying to change that - I recently began reading contemporary works such as The Kite Runner, The Color Purple, some works from Haruki Murakami, and so on, but I'm still influenced from old classical works. I think I know my own defects because I do see writing objectively after the first week of writing it, and I do understand a couple of things that I'm missing, but it's helpful for other people to pin-point them as well. I realize I often lack subtlety in my writing, conciseness, and descriptions. If you, or anyone else reading this, can provide helpful websites of books which could help me with these things (subtlety, conciseness, descriptions, and possibly any other suggestion you may have which are lacking in this piece), I would be immensely grateful.

 

In any case, I am deeply thankful for your comment - helpful criticism is always appreciated.