, wait for it... HEART BREAKERS! [Episode 14 - Don't be so Cold Hearted]

[Northern Sage]

So, what if a fic had a character that had a legitimate reason to use almost gratuitous Japanese? Like the character's first language was Japanese?

Then make it somewhat genuine. Don't just have the character spout random phrases outside of a context where that could work. (for example, ordinary conversations is an example of where you do not do such things in most cases).

I remember reading a ZEXAL fanfic where all of the narration was done in english, but then switched over to an interpreted version of the japanese phrases commonly used in duels in the anime. Needless to say, the flow was kind of awkward.

Good work. by the way, Broken.

[The Warden]

Precisely my point. Look at the fic I just reviewed Sere: It has a Japanese name, but uses NOTHING from animeland. It's just using gratuitous Japanese for the sake of using gratuitous Japanese, in other words, completely pointless.

[Thar]

"By using a Japanese title, I am a great person and other people are stupid."
Roughly adjusted from google translate, and I wish they had a Romaji option for Japanese so I can translate the title from my phone.

[The Warden]

As I said, what I originally wrote doesn't translate well into Japanese, they don't even have a translation for turd.

[Serefin]

You know, I'm kinda starting to want to make a My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic fic just to have you review it. I would love to see that. You could tear it to kingdom come, but I would find it hilarious.

[The Warden]

You can try, lord knows you can try.

[Saiba Aisu]

I do hope you're not talking about my story as one of those that uses Japanese randomly for no purpose... Seeing as I speak Japanese =/

[The Warden]

Granted. I despise weaboos really, because they're painful to watch.

[Saiba Aisu]

You should review my story! I could do with some laughs. Just as long as it's not the first chapter, because those are always awful (in every story or anime, it's just such a tough balance to establish between action and exposition).

[The Warden]

Oh god no, yours has already been done to death by Umbra and Saber. Any attempts I make would be the equivalent of dumping a bucket of water into a lake.

[Saiba Aisu]

Their comments weren't humorous, though?

 

Suit yourself boo ^o^

[The Warden]

irregardless of humour, there'd be no point, it's been done. That's why I didn't bother with Accel II, Agro beat me to it, the bastard.

[L0SS]

You could review my Raging Sun story, simply because it might encourage me to continue with it. If not, I'm sure there are plenty of other rich pickings. These always make for enjoyable reads, so keep it up. 

[The Warden]

[spoiler=Episode 10 - Double the Freshness, Double the Fun!]
Caloo calay you brobdingnagian makulacutties, Broke. N here making his tenth try for fun, yay me. *Tosses handful of confetti* Today, for a slight change of course, I’m going to review two fics for the price of one, since you people haven’t been leaving out big enough gift baskets for me to snack on. Shame on you all. You know trolls get hungry if you don’t feed them right? Hmph. Either way, we’ll make a shining start on Plainview’s Superluminal, or somefin’.

[spoiler=Episode 10.1 - Subumbral]
A photon travels at 299,792,458 metres per second, the speed of light;-

It is by far simpler to merely say c, people get that. Or 3.0x10⁸ m/s. I mean really, if you have to get super technical from the start the reader feels you’re not showing faith in yourself.

-theoretically the fastest speed that an object can move at. Why? Because an object with mass would need an infinite amount of energy to move at such a speed, and procuring an infinite amount of energy is impossible.

Jake the Sage would probably be a definitive argument against that case. His bullshit exceeds infinity.

This simple fact makes the idea of faster-than-light travel seem a mere fantasy; constrained to the realm of Science Fiction.

Because this is clearly centred within the basis of reality.

Why then, you may ask, are the crew of the UNOSO Aurora attempting to do just that? Why are they attempting to move an object across space faster than a massless particle, a photon? Surely the laws of physics are against them.

They called me mad. MAD! But I will show them! I WILL SHOW THEM ALL! AH HA HA HA HA HAAAAAA! Insanity aside, why do you keep asking questions? You’re writing a work of fiction not assigning us homework.

Not quite. You see, Special Relativity only applies on a local scale. In other words, intervals of time and space vary depending on when and where you are.

Gee, you’d expect the, I dunno, Law of Physics to be absolute wouldn’t you? But I guess being just outside of the loser zone makes you exempt from them huh?

This variance can be thought of in the form of a sphere, a curvature which can be distorted to change the way matter and light move in this surface.

So, the vast majority of reality is inside a sphere, where all Laws of Physics matter. And then going outside, they cease to do so? I’m no physicist (I hate physics honestly), but seriously, where would you even have to go in order to have the Laws of Physics no longer apply?

This means that things are relative to the observer, and moreover, that it is possible to move an object at Superluminal speeds without breaking the fundamental laws of physics.

And even if you did, scientists would create a new law to explain it anyways. Though as of now I’ve ceased expecting a punchline.

So, we begin with the crew of the UNOSO Aurora, currently orbiting around the moon. Their mission tinged with pride, uncertainty, and fear. Their ship, a small, but immensely fast space vessel, designed for deep space exploration. Their goal, to achieve the impossible: Faster-than-light travel.

What does UNOSO stand for anyways? I’d put in a stupid remark about it, but frankly UNOSO is hard to take the piss out of by extending it.

“Reaching maximum orbital velocity, standby for thruster engagement.”

“We read you, Hyman. Commencing alignment. Setting space trajectory at 14h39m35.90s by -60°50'07.0" at a distance of 1.347 parsecs.”

Hymen? Boy, their parents must not have loved them enough.

“Thrusters engaged. Ship systems at full capacity.” Hyman replied, resolutely. The crackle of the radio could be heard as the channel was left open. Hyman evidently had more to say. “And… it’s just hit me that we’re going to travel faster than anything has ever travelled before. That’s quite something. Hyman out.” The channel closed with a buzz.

Is it just me? Or is anyone else getting TREMENDOUSLY BORED right now? I dunno if it’s the fact that the idea concept is not fitting for a fiction, or if its Hyman’s distinct lack of personality, but I would much rather be doing other things that read this fic right now. Be grateful for how much I suffer for you people.

Hyman stood up from his chair, surveying the sparse, silver interior of his command quarters. To one side of the room lay a small bed on a hinge, jutting vertically from the wall. The water dispenser, which obtained most of its supply from purified urine, was situated next to his bed.

Huh, usually you wait until you’re lost in space before you begin the urine drinking. So, is it his private reserve? Or do they all share the same delicate mix?

His command console was on a slight incline from the rest of the room, and included a monitor that could relay visual response throughout the ship, the aforementioned radio, basic thrust controls, navigational array, and an assortment of sensors. This is where the exploration assignment of the vessel was fulfilled. This exploration area was unlikely to see much use on this particular task, and Hyman took no shame in using it as his own personal captain’s quarters.

So, the captain of the ship, is using what I assume to be the pilot’s area, as well as navigational room as his bedroom? You certainly earned your stripes didn’t you Hymen?

He took a deep sigh. The magnitude of this voyage had yet to make its impact. Setting off for deep space in his little tin can, Hyman felt like the loneliest man in the world; despite the fact that his crewmates were not more than a two minute walk away.

Forcefully, he prised open the metal door of his quarters, and walked into the small access corridor. A mass of tangled wiring and intricate piping hung above his head. Hyman glared across the corridor; straining to make out the silhouettes of his crew as the lights of the corridor began to turn on in a uniform fashion.

You sure this rust bucket is even remotely safe to travel in? I’d feel much safer flying around in a cardboard box than this deathtrap. Hell, the doors don’t even work properly.

He walked towards them, seeing that they were observing the space outside through the large window that was set against the far wall of the ship.

So, instead of doing things like ship maintenance, calibrating their warp drive or doing something useful, they were quite literally staring out into space?

The light from the distant sun shimmered brightly on the aluminium frame of the ships walls, casting looming shadows from the wiring above. Hyman couldn’t help notice that they resembled limbs and appendages, creeping along the interior of the corridor. The light twisted and contorted the shapes, making it seem as if coiled and constricted creatures were lurking above him.

I would be completely enthralled by that imagery if I weren’t already blown away by how boring this is.

[hr]

Analysis time, well, there is really much to say. It’s a short prologue and as it is, it’s pretty insubstantial. We had some talk about the speed of light, and some other science goobledygook including the fact that apparently there are parts in space where you are exempt from the Laws of Physics. A magical place where time and space are no longer relative to the area inside, which, to me with a literal and logical mind, consider really dumb.

But, the issue isn’t just that. See, the Prologue/First Chapter, their purpose is to grab the reader, to ensure you have them for the fic’s duration. This current form is more or less speaking to an incredibly tiny portion of the forum, ultimately alienating the vast majority of the reader base. That’s the reality Plain, this Prologue is just boring, really, unbearably boring.

You call this a rough Prologue, and it shows, it really does. But, here’s my question for you, since you’ve thrown so many the reader’s way in some of the text: Why did you post it rough AND unfinished? Surely you should know that if you feel a little unconfident, or don’t quite feel you have the finished work, that you should have another person look it over. See, it’s much like writing an assignment, in that constant proofreading is paramount, otherwise, mistakes WILL be made. Besides that, all I can say is, boring.[/spoiler]

[spoiler=Episode 10.2 - Naked Beach Party]
Hello again, time for my second stab today, with a special little snack. Though some of you may not remember: Several years ago one of the members on this forum, Fusion X Denver (currently Eureka Fusion) wrote what had become the most read fic of YCM history. This was a fic known as Trio of DEF (DEF stood for the first letter of the three protagonist’s names), a story that took to inherent fame and a lot of readers through a devilishly clever usage of Member addins. That’s right, it was a fic based loosely on a good deal of YCM members, a rather clever idea I’ll shpeal about later. (I will note I wasn’t a regular reader, and in NO WAYS show ANY kind of bitterness that my insert was killed off so unceremoniously. NO BITTERNESS HERE! *Eye twitch*) But now someone else is attempting to make their claim at the crown: Jake the Sage. His progress has so far taken up quite a bit of time, with zero results, typical eh? But, being so desperate to please (and show off), he decided to share through his Hotel an excerpt from his work. And I’m sure we can expect nothing but the best from him.

-Location Change: Point Isle-

Obviously not a Prologue, but I digress, trailers never give you the start.

The ‘Saint Anne’ pulled into the Point Isle dock and hissed in protest as the propellers slowed to a halt. Stepping off of the boat first Daniel rushed onto dry land and fell to his knees, “About time! Finally, solid ground . . .”

Saint Anne? Isn’t that the ship from the first season of Pokemon? So, did they dock in Kanto?

Ah yes, the very casual “LAND!” remark after being on a turbulent ride. Thumbs up for creativity Daniel.

“Come on Daniel look up!” Al stated added in, stopping beside his friend, offering his hand, “Enough with the pity party. Look at this place!”

Yes, look at all the land you just described in beautiful detail. Why I can see it now, it’s just so there, isn’t it? My gods I simply cannot escape the beauty of this land.

Daniel glanced up, his eyes stinging from the sunlight reflecting off of the white sand.

I know that sand can be reflective, but I highly doubt you could find sand white enough (short of Vanilla Ice’s private beach) to cause actual physical discomfort.

Standing up his mouth hanged open a bit as he looked in awe at the beautiful sprawling white beaches in front of his eyes. Just beyond the white sands was some palm trees gently swaying in the light breeze which still smelled like the sea. Taking in a deep breath he raised his hands up, the warmth of the sun beating down on his neck, then exhaled.

Okay, here’s a list of every word that completely missed the proper tense/use: Hanged, was, (that were) gently, which still smelled. Come on man, you have three proofreaders and such simple things were missed? Who were they? Your right hand, your left and Lora?

“Oh Wow!” Kari shouts stepping off of the ‘Saint Anne’ and kicked off her shoes to feel the soft sand between her toes. Standing beside Kari, Akane gasped in amazement too and had to catch her hat when the wind blew it off, putting it back on, “I forgot how beautiful this place is.”

Shouts is present tense, the sentence is past tense. There is something wrong with this picture. Also, where did this boat dock? Since one would logically conclude something called The Saint Anne would be a luxury liner, which are not really known for docking on beaches.

Even the trio was amazed at the sight of the clear white sands shinning in the sun’s rays. Unfortunately their bliss was ruined when Sarah and Keiko shout from behind them, “Make way!”

Did you just miss out on part of a sentence? Or did you suddenly forget what commas are for?

Turning Fusion, DL, and El’s eyes grew wide before all three were ran over leaving them twitching on the ground as the twins run down the beach. Watching the twins run down the beach Rue laughed, her hands on her hips, “Wow look at them go.”

It’s run over Jake, not ran. You get ran down, but not ran over. But seriously though, THREE proofreaders? With English being their native language? How old are they? Five?

“It’s good to see that they’re enjoying themselves already,” Kari stated helping DL up off the ground and gently brushing the powdered sand off of his face. Turning to look at the boardwalk Fusion motions towards the Spring Festival, “Who’s ready to go have some fun?”

They’re surprisingly resilient for people who just got ran over, but then, this fic is borrowing from animeland, so I guess who am I to argue with an already skewed sense of physics and biology?

“I wonder if we’ll have time to do everything,” Aka wonders tilting her sunglasses down to look at the hundreds of vendors of every shape and size squeezed into the limited space on the boardwalk, each with their very own operator trying his or her hardest to attract as many customers as possible; a shifting wind also brings with it the delicious smell of all of the food carts.

You’re doing it again. You keep using present tense actions in a past tense fic. Stop it, just, stop it. Stop butchering English damn you!

“Afraid you’ll get tired old woman?” Kari giggles bumping her hip against Akane.

“Ha! If only,” Aka bumps Kari back, “I’m just worried about you Kari.”

*Thumbs up* Hawt. Now, bump her a little more vigorously and maybe some lesbian romance will save this fic.

“Well let’s go!” David shouts and then runs off with the parents following behind him. Stopping Aka turns to the other children still on the beach, “Daniel! Al! Sarah! Keiko! We’re going to the Festival! Are you coming?”

Oh come on! This CANNOT be accidental. Would you kindly STOP USING PRESENT TENSE VERBS IN A PAST TENSE SENTENCE!

“No thanks Aunt Aka!” Al shouted back waving. Aka nods her head, smiling, and turns her back to let the teenagers have their own fun.

“Can you believe this place?” Sarah shouts spinning around on the white sand, kicking it up with her heel.

No I can’t. I am still too enraptured by the inherent beauty of the white sand, that was described in such alarming amounts of detail. Why, it’s almost as if the buildings or surrounding scenery were never described at all.

“This place really is paradise,” Keiko admits removing her sandals then laying down on her stomach so the sun warmed her entire body. Opening one eye Keiko looked back at Al, who was waving his hand at her mother, “What does Mom want Al?”

“She wanted to know if we wanted to go check out the Festival.”

White sands and sparkling ocean do not paradise make. Also, I will point out that it takes roughly five minutes before sunburn takes effect, and you didn’t use sunscreen. Somebody’s going to get a red back just ripe for the smackin’.

“Can’t you tell I’m working on a tan?” Keiko answered back closing her eyes resting her head back on the ground. Narrowing his eyes at her Al mumbled, “Yeah I can tell that . . .”

No, because lying down on the sand does not make it automatically indicative that you are trying to tan. For one thing you need a deckchair, sunglasses and a wide rimmed hat with tropical fruit before you are even allowed to tan.

“So what do we do first?” Daniel asked picking up a shell and tossing it into the rolling surf. Sarah clapped her hands, a grin on her face, “Well we’re at the beach so let’s catch some waves . . . but first!”

Catch some waves? Hmm, wait a moment… isn’t that from, like, the eighties or something? Catch some waves, seriously? *Clutches head* I won’t survive this.

Walking over to her sister Sarah kicked some sand onto her back to get her attention, “Come on sis, time to lose the baggy shirt look.”

She’s wearing a shirt? Hmm, there goes my theory of her running around butt naked.

“Oh, okay,” Keiko agreed standing up and grabbed the hem of her shirt, pulling it up past her stomach with all intent on taking it off right there on the beach.

Oh yes, that’s it. Just a few more inches to go come on girl you can do it.

“W-Whoa! Hold on Keiko!” Daniel shouted looking away as his sister, “Aren’t you supposed to change in a room or something?”

Not now cockblocker, this fic needs some T&A if it wants to survive.

“Why?” Sarah asked her shirt already off and the button to her shorts undone leaving the front open, “It’s just a bra and panties. Seriously a bikini is the same thing when you think about it . . .”

Yes, yes, yeeeeessss, that’s it. (Note, I’m noticing you have an aversion leaving out words and to commas, except in places where they’re not supposed to be. Just to be clear, your splits are not adequate proofreaders.)

“Yeah, but,” Daniel began stopping when Sarah and Keiko threw their discarded cloths at him. Standing in the middle of the beach Sarah shook her head to get all of her hair then pull the one braided strand back into place, “Much better.” Turning to look at Al the blond grins, tugging on the frilly black bra, “How do I look?”

*Thumbs up* Now, lose the lace. Slowly, to make this more enjoyable.

“Uh . . . well . . . ah . . . .” Al took a minute to say something, “I think you should at least stop pulling on your top before everything pops out for the world to see.”
“Oh please, I’m just straightening it,” Sarah stated waving him off, but released her top all the same, “Besides you’re the pervert staring.”

For those who are not aware, Wom is the appropriate sound effect for bouncing boobs. Also, for emphasis, he’s a victim of circumstance. You’re the pervert who insisted on stripping on the beach as well as deciding to play with yourself… which is alright by me, since, y’know, you have boobs. Boobs control the world. Boobs control TIME!

“I was not!” Al snapped back, but Sarah and Keiko had already dived heard first into the waves. Staring at the ocean Al and Daniel spotted Keiko surface first, Sarah coming up a few seconds later. Looking over at Al, arms still full of clothes, Daniel asks, “What do you think we should do with this stuff?”

Panty raid?

“Sorry man,” Al said shoving the pile of cloths into Daniel’s arms, waving as he started to walk away, “But they’re your sisters so that’s something you have to figure out for yourself! I’m going to go get something to eat!”

I say, dump em and let the raccoons take what’s left.

“Al! Don’t leave me hanging here man! AL!” Daniel shouted. Looking back at his sisters swimming in the ocean, down to their clothes, then at Al running off Daniel groans, “Damn it!” Running over to a bench Daniel puts the set of clothes down and chases after Al, “Hey I’m coming too!!!”

It’s not as if I can’t- Okay, if I finish THAT one, it will come out horribly, horribly wrong. I’ll just abort it early.

After Daniel had finally caught up with Al both walked through the booths, corndog in hand. The vendors were nothing special or at least not any different from the city fair, but they were entertaining nonetheless. A man with a swirly mustache tapped the end of a cane against a wooden box to get Daniel and Al’s attention, though only succeeded in catching Daniel’s. Grinning he motioned at the prizes his booth offered, “Try your luck lad?”

Conman at twelve o’clock, danger level: Moustache.

“What’s the game?”

“A test of skill!” the vendor stated pointing to the tank with a small bulls-eye on it, “Just dunk someone in the booth in three tries and you’ll win a marvelous hand carved mask! Only $3 per game, $10 for 3 tries!”

Caution, mask may include horrible demonic entity that will force you to sacrifice all your friends. If you put on mask see your local doctor for assistance.

Daniel looked at the masks, “They look more plastic than wood,” he thought before shrugging his shoulders. They were here for fun anyways and he was certain he could dunk someone in three tries, “Hey Al, why don’t you climb into the booth?”

Daniel didn’t get an answer. Al had been thinking about Lisa the entire time they were walking and by now he was lost in through.

Oh yeah, Lisa, that… other girl who was totally mentioned. Okay, I know I can’t make that joke against an excerpt.

“We could win some masks . . . they’d be sway souvenirs, right?”

Again Daniel got nothing.

What does sway mean? In this context anyways.

Stopping and turning, arms crossed, Daniel waits until Al walks into the corndog stick, “Dude pay attention when I’m talking to you.”

“Sorry,” Al apologizes though still mostly lost in thought. Groaning Daniel runs a hand over his face, shaking it, “Dude I get that you’re disappointed Lisa decided not to come, but you can’t keep sulking over it.”

She’s probably with all the boys right now, ALL of them.

“Who said I was sulking!?” Al snapped

“It’s all over your face man,” Daniel pointed out shrugging, “I’ll just leave you to yourself then. Come find me when you’re ready to have some fun.”

Yeah, it’s not as if you were lost in quiet thought and obvious lament over something that is so seemingly important you completely missed a corndog stick.

[hr]

Okay, analysis. BLEH HEH HEH HEH! Bleck. Are you being serious Jake? I know I said it multiple times, but, three proofreaders. Three people, plus yourself as well, for that matter, missed every single one of those present tense verbs? I simply refuse to believe that you had three people doing it, I refuse. Four people COULD NOT miss that many errors, it’s strictly impossible in most senses. The only way I could consider it possible is if those four had no idea how tenses work, and, given this work you posted with such pride, I believe that to be the only logical conclusion.

Though because this was an excerpt, I can’t make justifiable remarks on the characters, so I won’t. But really, I see you’re trying to emulate how Fusion used anime-esque logic and situations, but, your lack of proper tense was really the ruining factor here, plus the obvious sluttiness of the characters that I know you get a real kick out of.

I’m going to keep this short here, but Fusion, I can say this with confidence: You should have no fears about losing your crown just yet. Unless Jake really picks up on his writing no amount of planning will ever be able to save it unless it’s REALLY good, and, if some of his prior ideas are an indication, I don’t think they will be… actually, I would like to get personal with you guys on something.

I have a rather good memory, especially for certain YCM events, so naturally I remember the long running fame of Trio of DEF; especially Fusion’s clever usage of Member inserts that really netted him all those views. In fact, he ended up making so many he simply couldn’t add anymore because he had no idea what to do with the ones he had. But, after reading, that thing above me, a phrase comes to mind: “Just because you can, doesn’t mean you should.”

See, during the climax of Trio of DEF, the entire population of Earth was sent into space just in case the detonator tied to Life’s life did in fact go off and destroy the world. The final battle involved ninjas, Duelists summoning real monsters, swordsmen, friendship and a somewhat decent Final Boss fight. It was given a sound conclusion, and a somewhat decent ending.

A wise man by the name of Ben Yahtzee Croshaw once said this: “Once you’ve gone into space everything after that feels like a step backwards.” The same remains true here, with not only the entire evacuation of earth but also all the things I mentioned in the climax. You literally can’t go better than that, or at least, it would be incredibly difficult to do so. So, my final question is: Why bother?

That question, and the given evidence, is why I feel Trio of DEF doesn’t NEED a sequel, it simply doesn’t. It was given a good send off and should stay that way, buried as a memory of those who were able to see it. More so, I don’t feel a sequel should be made by someone who had no stake in the original either; but that’s just my two cents.

I’m Broke. N, and I WAS pissed about Ken getting put on a bus and also getting killed off-screen.[/spoiler][/spoiler]
 
 
[spoiler=Broke. N's aside]
You know, I spend a lot of time ripping on fics, but I rarely do comment or discuss in depth certain techniques. One I know of is one I am guilty of, as well as the one Fusion used to immense success. This technique is called "Reader Submitted Characters". Not particularly eloquent, but that’s hardly the point.

I’m bringing this technique up because, well, it’s just so god damn effective. Why? Well, it’s pretty obvious, but I’ll explain anyways. See, human beings are prideful creatures (don’t say you aren’t because that would be a blatant lie), and they just love having their creations identified. And, what better way for such a thing to occur than by seeing their characters in use in someone else’s fic. They will hang off every moment their character is there, securing their readership for many chapters to come. A fic’s life is typically tied to the number of readers it has, and by securing a guaranteed readership until the end of the work, or until that character is dead, ensures you have a lifeline for a good deal of time.

It sounds sinister, but it really is an effective strategy when you think about it. More readers equals more views and comments which in turn equals more readers which equals even more views and comments. It’s all about being clever enough to get that snowball rolling. It might start small now, but give it a mile or so down that slope and you’ll find a monster worthy of an Indiana Jones movie waiting for you at the end.

Of course, I am aware that sometimes the strategy fails, or in some cases, works too well; such as when a person gets way too attached to their character and they moan at you when you aren’t ‘using them right’. It happens, trust me, it does, but you have to take the good with the bad sometimes. It’s all about finding the right balance.[/spoiler]

[Jake the Sage]

That was surprisingly funny Broken, you do have a gift for ripping on other people's works. Now, if I may, I'd like to address some of the things you mentioned.

 

Yeah the ship is called the Saint Anne and that is the one from the first season of Pokemon. If I'm gonna call a ship something I figured it'd be nice to give a Pokemon reference. After all there is a Club Pikachu . . . at least I didn't call it 'Titanic'

 

Yeah white sand can cause physical discomfort. Ever been on a white sandy beach on a bright sunny day and no sunglasses? Stuff if blinding . . .

Well actually considering you didn't know white sand beaches can cause physical discomfert I can assume you've never been to one.

Saint Anne is a steamboat, which is docked in a normal, well, dock. Thanks for catching that in all honesty since you are right, most people who hear the name will assume it is a luxury cruise ship, but all it shares with the ship in Pokemon is the name. I'll remember to fix that.

My proof readers haven't read this part yet Broken. And they're all above 21 in age. While it is okay to rip me, do not insult them, please.

 

You’re doing it again. You keep using present tense actions in a past tense fic. Stop it, just, stop it. Stop butchering English damn you!

 

*is holding a bloody hatchet*
Stop doing what to what now?

"I say, dump em and let the racoons take what's left."

Broken out of my head (=_=)

"What does sway mean? In this context anyways."

Sway, if you watched Batman Beyond, is a slang for 'cool'. Since Fusion had used Batman Beyond references before I figured, hey, why not add a bit of the lingo too? Besides sway does sound kind of . . . sway (XD)
 

And finally I'll address your constant ripping of me using the present tense. That is my habit, bad but still a habit I've formed from role playing. When I wrote in role plays I always wrote in present tense because to me all of the action was happening right then and there- in the present.

 

In fact for this fic I still think all of the events should be happening right as the reader is reading it, but that is just me. If my proof readers, when they do manage to read this section I decided to show you (after being asked by Creator mind you, not to show off as you claim), if they think it should be changed I will change it.

[The Warden]

Australia isn't well know for its white sands, we're trying to keep a constant look out for things trying to kill us. But if it wasn't proof read, why show it off then?

 

And I know it's your habit, but if you insist on using present tense then make it first freaking person, that's where it fits. You can't combine third person writing with present tense, it just doesn't work.

[Not-so-Radiant Arin]

I do recall an earlier DA fic with the same kind of twist that Crab reviewed, so it isn't really unique in that manner.

Oh dear God, I don't want to remember that. X.X

 

That was back when I was a bigger scrublord noob than what I am now.

[L0SS]

That was actually really funny. As I stated, it was a very early experimental draft, so I was messing around with tense, and a mixture of some sort of non-fiction style interlaced with the narrative. Gave me a good chuckle though, I think I'll start building on it.

 

I posted it because my story planning was getting no feedback what so ever, so I figured posting even a very early planning chapter, and then linking to the other thread, would hopefully drum up a little more attention. Evidently so. But yeah, there is a loooong way to go yet.

 

 

 the fact that apparently there are parts in space where you are exempt from the Laws of Physics. A magical place where time and space are no longer relative to the area inside

As far as I'm aware, the idea of space-time being a sphere of matter and energy that can be distorted is actually quite a scientifically accurate understanding. I actually looked at some research done by Stephen Hawking, as well as a couple of other sources, when coming up with the basic idea.

 

It's the basic principle that makes wormholes theoretically viable, literally warping and moving through the fabric of space-time in a quicker time than light.

 

This isn't the same as moving a a faster speed than light, but taking a short cut across a distance that is quicker than light across the normal route. 

 

In other words, it should be pretty viable, scientifically. I gave a factual opening so as to not alienate a whole group of people, although it is a delicate balance between factual and boring. I'll have to work on that.

[Serefin]

I unanimously agree with you Broke. That first fic was ungodly boring. I would've thrown a Space Kraken in there just to liven things up!

[The Warden]

But that's not quite my point. I just find the notion of no longer following normal time and space to be completely retarded on the face that it is always relative. It simply cannot be changed or viewed from a seperate viewpoint. You simply cannot be exempt from space.

 

I wouldn't go so far Serefin.

[L0SS]

But that's not quite my point. I just find the notion of no longer following normal time and space to be completely retarded on the face that it is always relative. It simply cannot be changed or viewed from a seperate viewpoint. You simply cannot be exempt from space.

Ah, well, that isn't quite the idea I was attempting to convey. This isn't being exempt from space, so much as moving through it in a different manner to regular matter (if we're thinking in a 3-dimensional view of space). Although that point alone means that I need to make that clearer.

 

Fusing scientific notions with a vast space odyssey (sort of what I was going for) isn't easy... maybe I need to take a step back. 

[Spirit of DMG]

Just my two cents on Jake's excerpt: 

It is a fundamental law in the realm of animation that every series needs to have, at the very least, one reference to either Pokemon, or else Dragon Ball Z.

By naming the ship "Saint Anne" Jake has fallen into compliance with this law.

 

While DEF runs on Nonsenseoleum, DEF II appears to be tapping into Pikachu's Thunder Shock.

[The Warden]

I guess that's why it's just not as goood; though I suppose it's bias in tems of the author... as the usual bias goes in regards to the Fic/RP section.

[The Warden]

Due to a lack of flow again, I'd thought I'd take the time to muse another oen of my favourite subjects when it comes to the fiction genre.
 
[spoiler=Broke. N's musing]
One thing that always takes me in a work of fiction are the Heroes, but more importantly, the Villains. I’ve always understood the logic that heroes simply cannot exist without villains, as villains are what allow heroes to appear; whilst the heroes are there not just to thwart the villain, but to provide hope for the general populace. A logic I’d take should I ever want to do a superhero/villain fic.

But, one interesting thought as always is: What truly makes those archetypes? You can follow the usual clichés and understandings, such as heroes are good and villains are evil, but, I find that the true defining trait of those archetypes is this: Restraint. See, when you think about heroes, they tend to be a lot more restrained, focused, if you will towards only one particular goal. A good way to understand this in movies would be to look at their particular songs. Most hero songs have some ideal or dream they hope to achieve, whilst villain songs include their plots, their schemes, and what they KNOW they are going to do. I guess that’s why villain songs are much more fun.

And while heroes tend to always be railroaded to destiny, (good) villains spend much of their time doing whatever the hell they want because they can. They have so much more freedom in morals and actions than the hero ever had. You can have the usual tyrant, the morally-ambiguous but clearly deranged scientist and so on; doing whatever they want for their own purposes clearly ignoring the needs of others. This contrasts to heroes, due to the general template of a hero is either your Chosen One, your Hapless Teen forced into the job, your tired and Grizzled Veteran forced back into the war he hates. I could go on, but I can’t spend all day naming archetypes. But still, those hero types, despite having some form of freedom and free will, will always end up being railroaded towards defeating the villain. The tracks may differ, but the end destination is always the same.

I think that’s what makes a villain likable really. Their complete and absolute freedom to do what they want for the hell of it, to do things to people just because they can. A villain is completely unrestrained in their position, since there is no one for them to defeat; they’re on top so they’re having a ball. A hero starts at the bottom and works their way up through mooks until they reach the villain and beat them. The hero is hailed for their heroism, then fade into obscurity until the next big bad comes along.

The reality is, villains are a lot more fun due to their unrestrained nature. Their absolute freedom of action. The hero has no luxury, as he is forced by fate and reality to go down one path and one path alone. Heroes may be hailed for their heroics, but unless they do it on a constant basis, in the end they’re just another name added to a wall, nothing special. You can at least remember what a villain did. I guess Voltaire was right really, since It’s so Easy When you’re Evil.[/spoiler]

[Serefin]

I'm glad I'm not the only one that prefers villains over heroes. However, my reason is because I grew up during the time of Superman and the Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers, where the heroes were perfect. I, for one, HATED that perfection. If you do something perfectly, it becomes boring to do. Superman had practically no flaws, while the Power Rangers were always helping out with Fundraiser X or Charity Y. There villains? Respectively, the genius but insane Lex Luthor and the evil space witch Rita Repulsa.