, wait for it... HEART BREAKERS! [Episode 14 - Don't be so Cold Hearted]

[The Warden]

None of them really have defining traits. All we have is a little backstory, a fancy magic planet and the beginning of a plot. But, that's all I felt like doing anyways. Since, I did read the Prologue. It's a kid summoning a demon, big floppy whoop. But, if you want to draw people in, maybe a bit more backstory in the introduction would help create context. Like Kismet: We have no idea what it is, but apparantly it's very important.

 

Granted, comics aren't really my field anyways. I can comment on how each piece of written, but to what end? They're written in that way to explain what will be drawn later. It's an entirely different context than written fiction. That's why I'm not going to take requests anymore, they're such tedium, like 3 unwanted pms.

[Northern Sage]

http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/topic/299799-the-academiad-book-i/

This is hilarious and you need to look at it. Good work, by the way.

[The Warden]

Honestly, I don't think so. I wasn't really feeling this review at all.

[The Warden]

Just so you guys know, I haven't been working on a new Episode due to the fact that all of my Assignments and a test decided to be due in the same week, this week specifically, go figure that one. Once I get this crap outta the way, I'll have a lot less to worry about and will be able to continue as normal.

[The Warden]

Okay viewers, now that I have surgically removed all four pains in my ass, it's back to business as usual. So here comes the next stirling episode of, wait for it... HEART BREAKERS!
 
[spoiler=Episode 7 - The Offender]
Greetings dear viewers, it’s been a while, like, a whole week. So, knowing how much you all missed me, I made haste to produce this newest instalment of, wait for it… HEART BREAKERS! (Said haste has nothing to do with the fact that I still don’t have access to DN and the MMO I play is down for maintenance.) Today’s victim subject was one that I’ve been noticing for a while, but like almost every other apathetic YCMer, I’ve just ignored it outright. Welp, now that I’m a reviewer, I guess now I’m interested. So, I’ve decided to take a light browse through Spike’s The Defenders. Despite being dead for some time, I decided to give it a go anyways, cause that‘s the kind of man I am. And, no, despite what you all think of me, I WILL NOT be making gay jokes in regards to the supposed relationship between Striker and Spike. I would like to think that I am much more mature than that. Okay, now that’s out of the way, let’s begin.

The room was a bit fuzzy as I opened my eyes.

Oh god, another first person fic? I just hope this guy keeps his inner monologues to himself at least.

And my head hurt a little. After my eyes adjusted, I attempted to wiggle my toes, succeeded.

Methinks you’re missing a word there.

I swung my legs over the side of the bed I was in, and got a head rush. I felt around my head and realized two things. One, I had a bandage around my head, and two, I couldn’t remember a thing. More investigating also revealed a cast on my left leg. Moving it caused no pain, so I broke the cast and inspected my leg. Aside from being a little pink, it looked just fine. I decided to look around the room a bit.

Most medical doctors would typically recommend against breaking your cast. More to the point, how the hell did you even do that? Those things are built sturdy for a reason, and I think you should get some more bed rest if you believe you could break it open with just your bare hands.

My investigation of the room brought up some more interesting new pieces of information. I was female, with brown hair and blue eyes. I wasn’t very tall, but I looked around 5’6.

My sizes are 22, 55, 24. I like long walks on the beach and I prefer men who aren’t afraid to cry.

According to some plaque on my bed, my name was Lily Aroughs and I was seventeen. And after some pondering, I concluded that I had been in some sort of accident, due to my leg and head bandages, which I had removed. I was also attached to an IV drip.

You can make succinct deductions, but you aren’t even capable of the simple logic that removing bandages and casts is a very bad idea? Sherlock Holmes you ain’t sweetie. Also, a plaque? Seriously? Was she so damn important that her name and age had to be engraved to the bed? Or, did you mistake the ledger at the foot of the bed for a plaque?

I wondered if I should remove the drip and go to the front of the building and figure out what the hell is going on. On one hand, it’s insanely awkward to move around with. But I do need it for balance, and who knows. Maybe I need it or something.

Yes, because I clearly know what the pretty hose dripping fluid into my arm is, but I am clearly incapable of comprehending its purpose. Could someone sedate this girl already before she tries to eat a urinal cake? Or at least teach her to be more expressive?

I weighed the pros and cons, and decided on waiting for a nurse or someone to walk by. I opened my door. After about an hour-long wait, a nurse came by, saw my open door with me sitting on the bed, and started a bit. She concealed it quite well though. She cautiously entered and looked me over.

Nice segue way there. I opened my door, then an hour later. Good lord, is this girl suffering from amnesia or retardation? She seems way to cognitive to be amnesiac, so my money’s on the fact that her accident took out a fair few brain cells.

“Oh…you’re awake.” she said. As she said this, her eyes flitted towards the door, and started edging out. As if she was afraid of me or something.

Gee, the nurse seems scared. It’s not like I didn’t just break open a cast with my bare hands and am clearly walking about when I shouldn’t be. No, the nurse is clearly afraid of something else entirely.

“Uhm...yeah. Care to tell me what the hell I’m doing here?” My voice had a croak to it. I assumed I’d been under for maybe two to three weeks, and living off that drip. So that explains why I’m so weak. I haven’t had a proper meal in weeks.

*Ring ring* Hello? Hey Amnesia, it’s Broke. N. Oh hey there, how are you? Okay, fine, fine. I’m just ringing up to ask you something. Yes? How is it that this girl, who is clearly suffering from what I assume is a total memory blank able to make such succinct deductions? Gee… I can’t remember. Thanks Amnesia. *Puts phone down*

If that wasn’t clear enough, my conversation with Amnesia makes about as much sense as to how this girl is making advanced deductions when her brain should still be mush from typical hunger weakness and being in a coma for three weeks.

“I’m not at liberty to divulge that information…” the nurse said, and then I realized she truly was edging towards the door. “I need to go get the doctor...” and with that, she darted out the door. Wondering what the big deal was, I just waited. The doc could explain this.

It takes you an epiphany to realize that someone is moving? What, with all your advanced cognitive ability you couldn’t even deduce that someone was trying to get away from you?

After about five minutes, a man who I assumed to be my doctor entered my room. I could see he had a hypo loosely held, and not very well hidden, in his right hand. I was on my guard instantly, and got up, using the IV stand for support.

Jesus Christ girl. You’ve been KOed for literally three weeks. If anyone actually tried to pull such an action off their legs would buckle and then they would make passionate love with the floor.

“Hello Lily, my name is Doctor Higgis. I need to give you a shot now, so if you’ll please sit down on your bed…” his voice had some quality that just screamed untrustworthy, so I stayed back.

I think you’re mixing trust with caution. You’re doing things that are clearly not possible for someone bedridden for three weeks. If one of my patients did that I would certainly be quite cautious. Or maybe, in your lunatic fantasy, this all makes sense and he is clearly evil for wanting to do what you desperately need done.

“Um…do my parents know about this?” I asked unsteadily, stalling until I figured out what to do.

This caught him rather off-guard, and after a brief hesitation of about two seconds he said; “Of course dear, now you need to take your shot.”

That one hesitation told me a few things. Firstly, whatever the hell he was doing, it was probably illegal. Secondly, my parents believe I’m MIA.

How the hell do you even know what MIA is? More to the point, what if your parents were dead? What if he was just trying to calm you down a little with a pleasant lie? If I woke up after three weeks and was unstable, I sure as hell wouldn’t want to hear that my parents died in the car crash and I was the only survivor. Stop thinking you’re a commando and take the sedative already.

“Sorry, I wanna see some sort of proof that you’re allowed to do this, and that my parents OKed it.” I felt my body moving into some kind of subtle stance, but it was subconscious. I then felt that if this guy attacked me, I could take him. I had no idea why I felt that, maybe my head injuries were more serious than I thought, but I definitely knew I could take this moron.

Yes, because the guy who is more than likely twice your age with a medical degree is the moron eh? Also, my advice to you sweetie is to stop listening to your head. You have clearly suffered brain damage and have gone crazy; because, your body is like spaghetti. The only way you could take this guy on is if he happened to be made out of styrofoam.

“I’m authorized to give you a shot young lady, now sit down!” The doc moved towards me, hypo at the ready.

My body responded with reflexes and skills I didn’t even know I had. I immediately dropped into a crouch, and went into a sweep-kick, knocking the guy off his feet. While he was falling, my other foot shot out and kicked him into the wall. I then proceeded to collapse onto the floor as dignified as possible. Again, the problem of having not eaten properly for a couple weeks manifests itself.

Oh, after you did all that the fact that you’re malnourished now takes effect? I would like to point out to you this: Adrenaline doesn’t work that way. If we consider that you’ve been on an IV for weeks, you’d have: 1) A low fat content, 2) Little to no energy reserves, & 3) Your body would’ve weakened from lack of movement. From that, the only way I could even THINK you’d be able to do that is if your body begins to eat itself in an incredibly damaging way.

From all this, I can only figure that we’re in her schizophrenic delusion. It’s the only logical way to deduce why she has such incredible cognitive powers for someone suffering head trauma, and how she literally drop kicked a man twice her size and weight without having eaten a solid meal for three weeks.

I pulled myself up on the IV stand, and pulled the thing out. I retched at seeing the place where the needle went in. I hated needles. As the IV came out, I got a dizzy spell and reached a hand out to steady myself on the wall. After my head cleared, I slowly made my way downstairs. Oddly, the place seemed empty.

Okay, are you freaking serious? You should be convulsing on the ground with limbs made out of spaghetti. You should not, in any ways, be able to take on stairs when you would have no energy to move yourself.

The clerk at the front desk had a thin mustache and bushy eyebrows. He was also bald. I resisted the temptation to laugh, and put on a serious face and went up to him. He started, and immediately reached for the phone at the front desk. Now, I wasn’t gonna put up with any of that crap, and my hand shot out and chopped his wrist. While he was gripping his arm in pain, I ripped the phone cord out.

How? How? How? How? How? How? How? How? How? How? How? How? How? How? How? How? How? How? How? How? How? How? How? How? How? How? How?How?How?How?How?How?How?How?How?How?How?How?How?How?How?How?How?How?How?How?How?How?How?How?How?How?How?How?

“OK buddy, I have some questions, and you better have some answers or this won’t pan out well for you, alright?” I said angrily. The clerk nodded nervously, still holding his wrist.

“First question, where the hell am I? Second question, who put me here? And lastly, I want an out-of-court settlement for all this trouble you caused me. A thousand should do. In cash. Now.”

Okay dear, that’s cute, it honestly is; but, you’re not a commando, you probably don’t even have any military training. How are you actually keeping a man in a death grip when you shouldn’t even be up in the first place? Unless you’re Supergirl, you cannot give me a reasonable answer beyond insane delusion.

“Well…you’re in Greenwood hospital.” The clerk was stuttering. “S...some men brought you here…said you were in an accident.”

Well. So I was right. I had never heard of Greenwood in all my life, but at least I knew the cause of my hospitalization.

See prior statement about parents dying in car crash.

“As for the money…I don’t have a thousand on me. But I might have five hundred in the safe.”

“Go get it then.”

Are you freaking serious dude? You’re at the front desk. Where the hell are the other people? More the point, where the hell is your mace or tazer? You’re the front freaking desk, obviously you’d have those. And are you f**king serious? She’s in a weakened state. Show a backbone and deck her, just for me at least.

He went to the back wall and opened a safe I had noticed before. He counted some bills and came back saying he had four hundred fifty. I accepted, mostly because I didn’t want to leave prints in the safe. I got my money and prepared to leave, when I felt a hand on my shoulder.

Okay, you made safe distance, why the f**k didn’t you just run? It’s not like she’s in a state to catch you.

“Now, now…we’re not leaving already are we?” A voice that was like poison honey flowed from behind me. “I have yet to make your acquaintance…Lily.”

I turned, and saw a man in his mid-thirties, wearing a black suit with a black tie. He had dirty blonde hair, and was wearing glasses. He had a wart on his left cheek.

The wart’s name is Ricardo.

“My name is Professor James Hodge, but you may call me James. And you are Lily Aroughs, and I need to speak with you.”

He had my hand, and started leading me to some back room of the hospital. I felt no immediate desire to resist. The room he led me too had a television screen mounted on the wall, and a long table with comfortable-looking chairs. He went over to the mini-fridge and asked if I would like a drink.

You king hit anyone standing in your way? But someone asks you to do something nicely and you comply? How many brain cells DID you lose in that accident?

I thought that I liked Coke. So that’s what I asked for, and that’s what I got. Ice cold too.

“Now, you probably have billions of questions, so let me put many of those off by telling you a few things.

Namely, why you felt the need to attack my staff and steal money from me without any cause. You think you’ve got grounds for suing? I can take you for more than ten times what you stole from me.

“You were in an accident on Mare Creek Road with some college boys driving back to their dorm from a trip to this town. They say you suddenly stumbled into the road, and couldn’t stop in time. Thankfully, you only suffered injuries to the head and leg, and they got you here in good time.

“Now, you have some friends, don’t you Miss Aroughs? At least, you thought they were your friends. They were the cause of your accident.”

Nice, vehicular manslaughter. Course, the question still mains for the reason as to why she was stumbling onto the read.

It occurred to me that this guy was either a monumental moron, or didn’t know I had lost my memory. So I played the Loyal Hero and said; “My friends wouldn’t do that.”

Nice acting, and oh so modest too.

James smiled and said; “I knew you would say that. Thankfully, I managed to get some footage of the accident.” He picked up a remote and flicked the TV on. A road which I assumed was a stretch of this Mare Creek Road was on the monitor, with a group of kids on the side.

You can magically get video recordings of some random road now? Tell me more of this magical technology of plot convenience.

I could recognize one as me, but since the video wasn’t exactly high-def, I couldn’t really make out the others. I seemed to be struggling with a boy. After about two minutes of the struggling, it looked like he shoved me out into the road. Then I could see a black van, tinted windows, slam into me. Two boys came out, made appropriate ‘holy s*** what did we do’ gestures, and shoved me into the van. The van disappeared towards town.

It only takes five minutes to get to the hospital, yet they took ten minutes. We do not know why, it’s just that we saw the van was oddly bouncing up and down.

The group of kids had somehow disappeared when the van arrived, although I wasn’t really watching them at that time, so I supposed they just ran off.

James turned the TV off. “Those kids were your so-called friends. Now do you believe me?”

Yes, I believe your magic plot convenience.

I nodded nervously.

“Good. Now, you’re probably starving aren’t you? Well, it’s just about dinnertime, so why don’t you eat and spend the night at my place?”

STRANGER DANGER! STRANGER DANGER!

A meal did sound good. So I accepted. We arrived at his house, which was huge, and had a huge dinner with a woman I assume was his wife. Roast chicken seasoned with garlic salt, mashed potatoes and steamed carrots drowned in gravy, and a delicious chocolate cake with vanilla ice cream for dessert. I opted to go to bed right after dinner, and as I lay there, one thing about this entire event bugged me more than most. Admittedly, this day had been very odd and strange, but just one thing confused me so much.

They don’t usually have security cameras on roads like Mare Creek.

Oh, out of EVERYTHING in this, it was his plot convenience that confused you? Girl, out of everyone here, YOU, are the colossal moron.

[hr]

I just, just… my god. Without a real explanation, a bedridden girl was able to manhandle two adult men with minimum effort, whilst running on exhaustion and probably atrophy (kudos to Bailas for that one). How does that even happen? It doesn’t, without good explanation, it simply can’t. That’s why I honestly believe that this world is all her insane delusion, a coma dream that she’s living while her body and mind recover from her traumatic experience.

I don’t like Lily, not one bit. She is a little too cognitive for someone with head trauma, and she certainly has quite the high and mighty sense of her own intelligence if the people with legit medical degrees are, by her classification, morons. I seriously fail to see how amnesia can even allow us to like this tart when she does things that are so completely irrational and logic defying that, it’s just impossible to like her. My sense of logic and reasoning simply won’t allow it.

As for the context, I truly believe she’s insane. It’s the only way I can honestly perceive all that she did without taking it with large scoops of salt. Like, when she harassed the doctor about her parents. There are numerous reasons as to why he could have lied, and how convenient that apparently the reason she classifies as right happened to be so. That’s the delirium again no doubt, since I rather support the idea that he was dodging the question because her parents probably died in the car crash, and she was the only survivor. If that were the case, I’d lie through my teeth to provide comfort to an obviously disturbed patient.

Then we get to the crux of things: The Stranger Danger’s magic video of plot convenience. I’d like to think that it’s her subconscious trying to break through, that something is wrong with the world. But our little bubble brain was of course too ignorant to get it. UGH!

In the end, I was literally forced to read through (see: breezed) the next three chapters in order to actually get context. Maybe this was a success in regards to making me read further, but that doesn’t mean I liked it. What I got to wasn’t exactly satisfying, and it STILL didn’t explain to me how an amnesiac still has such high qualities of deduction and being able to tell a person’s alignment. This girl should be sitting in a bed and smiling pleasantly as the nurse greets her as she wakes up; NOT sitting in a bed and demanding things like a delinquent.

In all, I don’t like it honestly. While it does make you read further, if only for context, we get stuck with someone we don’t even like for three chapters. I’d much rather be listening to the exploits of the wall than hers honestly. Also Spike, you failed to understand was Super Strength is. It’s not magical, it is still technically metabolic, and hers would be dead. She shouldn’t be able to move as she does, super power or not. The laws of biology wouldn’t allow her when she’s only been on a measly IV drip. It’s scientifically impossible with all her energy being needed in order to keep her brain and heart functioning. And adrenaline isn’t an answer, for reasons I’ve already stated.

I dunno honestly. Maybe it’s just bad luck that I constantly get set up with protagonists I simply don’t like, or maybe annoying tits is the norm now. If it is, then maybe I shouldn’t bother commenting when everyone is just unlikeable.

My name is Broke. N, and I went the entire review without even making fun of disgusting Striker and Spike sloppy make out with that double ended dildo.[/spoiler]

[Nathanael D. Striker]

Interesting read Broken, but you overlooked one important detail. Spike snd I broke up about a month ago. Looks like that ruins your outro, eh?

[Desu the Blue Nerd]

I'm sorry I'm just now commenting but as you know I've been following this from the start and I've only managed to enjoy it more and more as this has progressed.

 

Interesting read Broken, but you overlooked one important detail. Spike and I broke up about a month ago. Looks like that ruins your outro, eh?

 

No, it was still hilarious.

[Kyng's Old Account]

No, it was still hilarious.

That's subjective. On this pluralist forum, there's no right or wrong answer to it being hilarious or not.

 

I found it rather, well, draining to read. The review seems to me like a really poor attempt to take the piss out of someone's work. I just managed to find some degree of salvation in the latter, more "serious" (if one could even call this review serious) section of the review, which I would agree on many of your points made.

 

tl;dr version: while I agree with the points that the message conveyed, I thought it was a very sloppy message in itself. It really seems, to me at least, like you've tried too hard when writing these 'funny' remarks.

[The Warden]

Well, I have learned my quality of review is in direct proportion to the quality of what I am reviewing; that is, if the fic is good, then my approach to it will be good. The entire point of my reviews is that I just deliberately take the piss out of the fic during the first part, then hunker down for a more professional analysis.

 

Granted, I still am working on my reviewing style, to try and accrue maximum humour and insight. Some things are easy to overlook when you're raging about something else.

 

@Striker: Oh, well, I didn't honestly figure it would last, but it's not as if I stalk the status bar relentlessly, so this is news to me.

[Kyng's Old Account]

Well, I have learned my quality of review is in direct proportion to the quality of what I am reviewing; that is, if the fic is good, then my approach to it will be good. The entire point of my reviews is that I just deliberately take the piss out of the fic during the first part, then hunker down for a more professional analysis.

 

Granted, I still am working on my reviewing style, to try and accrue maximum humour and insight. Some things are easy to overlook when you're raging about something else.

I'm glad to hear you're still working on it then. I'll give you that when expressing humour through text, it generally cannot best auditory mediums of communication.

 

I'll keep lurking and checking your reviews to see how you go in terms of reviewing. I'd like to see your skills flourish.

[The Warden]

Eh, honestly it would be better if there was audio, but I hate dicking about with that kind of stuff. It's just a headache personally.

 

But, going to the brass bones of things, there has to be a balance if you will. I could focus on the humour (attempts) so much that any professional stance is just crushed, whilst at the same time being too professional is just boring. My greatest issue really is trying to find the right balance, so I'm not boring or just a joke. As can be seen, it appears I focused too hard on humour in the prior Episode, that apparantly my professional stance was squashed under it.

[The Warden]

I decided to try something different here, and yes, I do know how much viewers like change, but, bare with me.
 
[spoiler=Episode 8 - Legend of the Tighty Whities]
Greetings mine fine viewers. Tis I once more, Broke. N, no, no, please, hold your applause. Now, very recently I have been told that I’ve been forsaking my professional views and appearance for the sake of cheap jokes, as such, I have decided to do this review COMPLETELY STRAIGHT. You heard me, no jokes in here, no funny little quips. It’s all business suits and paperwork today. And to prove it, I brought in a clown. Everyone see the happy clown? Good… *Draws a pistol… BLAM! Thud!* There, I shot a clown. I officially killed comedy. Now then, let’s begin, all prim and proper. And remember, no jokes here.

The Next King of Games

Honestly, why? King of Games as a title has been disposed of ever since 5Ds began. Can we just let it drop? It’s not even an attractive title anyways.

Blackness. Dark gray clouds streaked the sky in thin tapers, yawning fingers stretching out to smother all of New York City in its grip, blotting out the sun so completely it was indistinguishable from night. Rain was usually beautiful, mystifying, bringing joy and sadness to whomever it visited, but now it was a thick smattering dirty hailstorm.

I see here that the author is building scenery, and perhaps some suspense. It’s a well used trope that when strange happenings are afoot, it’ll always be in a storm.

Maya scampered as frantically as a frightened hare, bolting past the sluggish people, hopping past sidewalks, and almost killing herself sidestepping speeding cars. She didn’t even bother to put her backpack over her head, leaving her completely unshielded to the cold, heavy storm. She was a fast, but it wouldn’t save her from being late to the Academy.

She was a fast? You mean she was fast? It’s always good to read aloud what you’re writing, since your mouth can reveal what callous reading cannot. Though, I do like the casual remark about how she narrowly avoided death by playing in traffic. Even though it did help the hare analogy alongside the other descriptive text.

The Academy of New York City was one of many Duel Academies around the country and the world, prodigious schools that trained unassuming duelists into renowned champions. But just to enter, applicants had to pass two difficult tests. Maya already passed the written exam mailed to her with an average score. Now she had to arrive in person to pass the practical exam.

Average score? *Sighs* It’s such a cliché trope to have the main be an underdog. That’s why people hated Jaden, aside from telling us every episode what Pot of Greed did. And that’s also why people liked Yusei; he was actually competent, even if his deck was pretty much continual lucksack.

Though, still to this day I find the idea of duel academies really laughable.

What was a duelist? A duelist was a strange human being: a warrior and an artist, a star athlete and a fantasy gaming nerd, a clown and a philosopher. And what tied all those idiosyncrasies together was the nature of their art; a mass-produced trading card game of magic and fantastic creatures known as Duel Monsters. It was a game given such weight by the public an expert reaped as much wealth and fame as a Super Bowl star.

Honestly, I couldn’t take that seriously. Just, the sheer, the sheer… the sheer over the top description of it. It just takes absurdity to a heightened level that is really hard to take seriously, even if this is a real world perspective. Granted, it was good until the mass-produced trading card game bit.

But the best thing of all was to be a true duelist, a champion player who embodied the best qualities of the game. And the greatest True Duelist that ever lived was the King of Games himself, Yugi Motou. No duelist could ever hope to be him. The best a duelist could do was climb near to him as possible.

Well, I dunno about that. He probably stopped duelling after Atem left (spoilers). Though since no one knew about Atem, I guess that’s all the more reason to idolize that pint sized duelist. Though stating you could never reach him is laughable, considering how far the game evolved. Granted, he DID have Envoy of the Beginning before GX, which would let him rape hard in most duels.

The academy was right ahead! In her carelessness Maya tripped and fell, plummeting to the mud and grit below. Her backpack ruptured open scattering everything in it. She doubled in agony, bitten by pain in her scraped palms, arms, and chest. After a few red, searing moments she scrambled on the sidewalk for her things. She quickly recovered a dozen cards from her Structure Deck, and a strange contraption for playing the game (or “dueling” as it was called) called a Duel Disk.

Structure Deck? She didn’t even bother changing the cards around a bit? I think I can aid laziness to the list, right under underachiever. Though, despite not telling us the position, I’d assume her backpack was on her back, so I don’t really think that the fall would cause enough force to break it, unless it was really old and crappy. And knowing Susan here, it probably was. Granted, why didn’t she keep her cards in a safe container? Seems like there’s more laziness on her part.

But the rest of her deck was completely missing, lost somewhere in the mud, streaming away to a gutter somewhere… Just as she was about to give up, she heard a haggard voice croak, “Aren’t these yours?”
She looked up. It was a bum, a small, dirty, dark old man with haggard hair and beard, crumpled in his hideous clothes like a brown paper bag. He huddled against a towering wall where a cornice of the Academy building gave him small protection from the bitter elements. With a wrinkled, sinewy hand, he offered her missing card.

Maya quickly snatched her cards.

Oh, that’s charming. Even if he was a bum, it really is just plain rude to not even thank him. I mean, those cards are pretty much your life, and you didn’t even say thank you. I guess we can add ungrateful to the list as well. Though, you did miss an ‘s’ from ‘card’ on that last paragraph.

The bum held up a small plastic cup and shook it, shackling a small jingle of pennies. “How about some spare change.”

She lurched back as if licked by a slimy ghoul, and dashed off.

Forgive me if I’m wrong, but are we supposed to, like this character? She seems like a shallow rip-off of Jaden (structure deck, underachiever, lazy), except that this version seems to have removed all of his optimism early. I find that this is rather a poor way to start things with a main character. If we want to watch Jaden, we’ll watch GX. If we want to read a Duel Academy story, we’ll be looking for someone who isn’t Jaden.

Maya burst through the front door, wheezing and panting, her face blue and her arms limp from exhaustion. But that dizzying, simple happiness vanished only after a few seconds and was replaced by the usual mists of anxiety. She was very late.

Blue? Wouldn’t brown be a better description, since she face planted and you never did say if the rain washed away the grime. Heck, would security even let her in when she’s in such a state? They’d probably mistake her for the bum.

She staggered to the stadium inside. There was a large arena surrounded by an amphitheatre. Within the arena were a dozen sprayed tennis courts where applicants dueled proctors for their Practical Exams. The amphitheater was a ghost town. Hardly any spectators remained. Even the last applicants were wrapping up their duels and leaving.

I would say something, but I only need direct you viewers to the first episode of GX.

She tugged the coat of someone who looked like an administrator, an aloof and neatly dressed man with suave sunglasses, an elegant, neatly trimmed goatee, and adorned academy uniform. “Can I please take my exam?”

The administrator glanced back at the dirty girl, a small glean of contempt in his eyes. “No! I’m sorry but all the tests are over.”

“Please, let me take it! I came all this way in the rain!”

Let’s also add petulant to the list. By the looks of it I think we’ll have to wait until a blue moon for a positive character trait to appear.

“You’ll try again next year. Have faith. Everything happens for a reason.”

She showed her scraped arms and palms. “Like me slamming myself on the sidewalk?”

“Well, yes. I’m sure it was either a test of your character or a way of telling you to try again next year.” He waved her off dismissively. “You’re too late. Come again next year.”

“No, let her try out.”

Both looked up in surprise. A young man in a top-ranking student’s uniform, a long white and blue blazer, stood on the top tier of the amphitheatre. He was a short and portly but handsome young man, with a tumble of thick black hair and warm but brilliant and piercing brown eyes. He carried an air of nobility but also what would have been a rustic’s charm if it weren’t for his uniform and the rank it suggested.

“I don’t think you can do that, Matthew.” The administrator protested. “All the tests are finished and all the proctors are gone. It’s a violation of academy rules and is simply aggravating to make an exception.”
“I am one of the top students here.” Matthew sharply rebuked. “I choose to duel her because every duelist should have a chance. I choose to challenge her as a proctor.”

I’m very sorry, but, what? Since when do students get to tell the administrators what to do? Even the best wouldn’t have the brass ball bearings to challenge authority like that. She came late, she can’t duel. If she had the sense to leave earlier, she would’ve made it on time. Quite clearly it is by her own laziness that she be hoisted. But ah, we can never glance away from the ‘give them a chance’ trope can we? *Sighs* I think I would be better off watching GX.

The administrator tried to object, but gave up midway. “Whatever.” He sighed. He shook his head. “Duelists are crazy.”

I think it prudent here to state that periods after the last line of speech aren’t all that necessary, and they detract from the emotion being described after. Though for that last line, it would be more eloquent to go with ‘Shaking his head, the admin muttered “Duelists are crazy”.’

He turned to dirty and obnoxious girl before him. If it weren’t for her he would have been at home by now to watch a James Bond marathon on TNT. “What’s your name?”

“Marina Božović, but you can call me Maya.”

“Uh huh.” He scribbled her name nonchalantly on a pad he was carrying. “Interesting.” He pointed to one of the exit doors. “The duel will being in ten minutes. You may want to clean yourself up beforehand. The bathroom is over there.”

I hate main character special treatment, it’s so prevalent in Duel Academy fics. Why couldn’t she have been turned away like regulations state? It would’ve made for a more interesting story to see her actively sneak into the DA, and then get herself onto the student register a’la Blair. Which reminds me, add selfishness and obnoxiousness to the list.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Maya winced as she scrubbed off her wounds and tried her best to get the grime off her clothes without soaking herself. She checked herself with the small, cracked bathroom mirror. A small, dark, insignificant girl of seventeen years old stared back contemptuously. Her face, smattered by a handful of red blemishes she was dumb enough to keep touching was made worse by her swarthy skin and her mess of unruly short hair she herself had cut and dyed with disastrous results.

Pathetic.

17? Are you being serious here? A 17-year old isn’t even remotely capable of managing her time better? More to the point that she even acted like a child who didn’t get that lollipop she wanted? Pathetic truly is the best way to describe her. I’d call her a shallow Jaden rip-off with some Bella issues, but Jaden himself would call her that.

She saw Matthew in his majestic, platinum regalia, his tussle of “rebellious but charming” hair and healthy tan standing somewhere high above wherever she stood. A hard but not stern stare, merciless but always forgiving, the embodiment of power but also of kindness… He was Yugi himself, a mighty yet humble king.
And Maya…

I see, the author here is building up the attraction that, given the circumstances, feels like it will build into a rather creepy obsession as things progress. In that respect, I am a touched frightened to think what her bedroom looks like.

The grime was hardly off. Her purple jacket was tarred from her fall. Her tight wrist chains – she noticed they looked sinisterly like handcuffs – chain necklaces and black skirt were all smeared with grime. It was bad as her technicolor mess of toothpaste purple and puke green highlights. Her gashes were now a sickly dark red. She looked like as if Yugi was beaten up at school and left crouching and moaning on the floor.

A small but powerfully hot flame burned in her skull and traveled down her spine, spreading throughout her body in waves of simmering boiling water. With a heavy sigh she stumbled away.

I am starting to grow quite a bit afraid at this moment. Since she is travelling with all the speed of a ballistic missile right into creepy fan girl territory. That’s… new to me, though, rather unnerving to say the least.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The futuristic elevator below effortlessly pushed Maya upward through the floor to make her debut. Matthew stood opposite her, already ready for combat. Maya strapped the Duel Disk around her wrist. It spun into place; its two “wings” snapping together to form a portable gaming platform. She quickly slipped her deck into a large slot above her wrist.

Maya: 4000 || Matthew: 4000

“You get to go first.” Matthew said. “Good luck.”

No DUEL! If there’s something you didn’t copy, why was that it?

“Thanks…” Maya drew her first card. She didn’t have a bad opening hand. She had a powerful combo she could use… “Alright. Here goes. I summon Mermaid Knight in attack mode.” She slapped her card on one of five slots on the arm blade. And behold! A dazzling holographic display of lights and energetic, technological sounds! A shape suddenly appeared on the stage! A monster was summoned! Maya’s monster was an amazonian mermaid with 1500 ATK, with sea green skin and wearing purple armor, brandishing a short and shield.

A short what? Honestly, I find it would be infinitely easier to just link the card from the yugioh wikia. It’s a lot easier and cuts down unnecessary explanation.

“I set two cards face down.” She slid her two spell or traps cards into two narrow slits beneath her monster slots. Two huge holographic face down cards materialized behind her warrior mermaid. “Turn end.”

“My turn!” Matthew announced. “I draw!” He barely glanced at his hand. “I summon Horus the Black Flame Dragon LV4!” The holographic lights formed into a small, sleek, silver hawk with 1600 ATK on Matthew’s side of the field. It looked more mechanical than organic with its jointed limbs and armored metal body. “I set two of my own face-down cards.” Two oversized cards appeared behind his “dragon”. “You’re move.”

Either he’s going easy on her, or he’s very afraid of her backrow. I know she gets to win in the end, but you could at least, I dunno, make it difficult for her in the least.

Now was the time! “I activate A Legendary Ocean!” Maya slid her card in a special sixth compartment on the side of her arm blade. . The space around them began to twirl into a glowing, holographic rainbow. The whole arena itself changed into the bottom of a sunken city. The bright yellow of the sun high above danced with the aquamarine, mossy buildings and the ocean blue fishes in an evocative ballet.

Her amazing combo was ALO? I think she might need increase her standards a little bit.

“My Ocean increases my monsters’ ATK points by 200. Mermaid Knight’s effect allows it to attack twice when Legendary Ocean is up. My Ocean also downgrades the Level of all of my monsters by 1. Now I can summon a Level 5 monster. I summon Giga Gagagigo.” A bulky reptilian monster, sporting a whooping 2450 ATK with blue-green armor and scales, now 2560 ATK, marshaled next to Maya’s amazon mermaid.

Funny, I don’t recall Giga Gagagigo in the SD for that attribute. Must’ve been a Japanese import. Wait, no, no he wasn’t. Hmm. Ugh, god I hate those stupid card explanations. Give the guy credit girl. This guy probably isn’t the best duelist because he has the most cards.

“Go my monsters! Destroy Matthew’s Horus and then his Life Points.” Both monsters instantly threw themselves at Matthew’s dragon with the speed and directness of a javelin.

“Not so fast!” Matthew countered. “I reveal my trap, Negate Attack!”

One of Matthew’s face down cards lifted up. A barrier, transparent but with impossible hardness, effortlessly shoved Maya’s monsters away, forcing them to retreat. “Negate Attack negates all attacks.” Matthew elaborated. “Furthermore, it ends the battle Phase all together.”

See, one of the annoying things about the anime was that they constantly explained the effects of cards everyone knew. You do have the luxury of providing a link, then have the character inherently know it, seeing as how they are playing cards that are pretty much basic knowledge, even to an underachiever.

Maya cursed. All the air was punched out of her lungs as if she slammed against a wall. She couldn’t even graze him!

“Strange. You’re pretty reckless for a water duelist. That doesn’t really fit in.” Maya noticed a narrow squint in Matthew’s eyes, a small pique in his stare. “You walked right into my trap. Didn’t you ever stop to think why I didn’t attack you?”

Water decks from then were pretty much no brainers. It’s all about being reckless really, due to some of their combos like ALO + Gravity Bind. Also Amphibious Attack Bugroth being able to attack directly. Rise from the Deeps was derp much of the time, since it had Tribe-Infecting Virus to boot.

Maya bit her lip in frustration. A flame of embarrassment fanned with a flame of resentment.

Matthew drew his next card with an incomparable grace, as if he was practicing the motions for years. “Now I’ll show you how to make a proper attack. First, I activate Mystical Space Typhoon to destroy your Ocean field spell.” A cyclone of whirling lightning and fury whiplashed the whole field into frenzy. The buildings of the ancient city crubled instantly and the entire ocean scene was vaporized. Matthew summoned yet another monster. A boiling, oozing elemental ball of molten earth took to the field, Gaia Soul the Combustible Collective, a monster with a whooping 2000 ATK!

“And that’s not all! I activate Level Up!!! In case you haven’t noticed, my Horus monsters come in Levels; LV4, LV6, and LV8. With Level Up!! I evolve my Horus to the next level!” Matthew’s silver hawk glowed in a soft, green light. Thunder burst from its form as its body grew in size and complexity, morphing it into a greater creature. This was Horus the Black Flame Dragon LV6, a larger silver hawk shaped more like a dragon. “Battle! Gaia, destroy Mermaid Kn-”

Level Up! has only one exclamation mark.

Maya reacted, flipping one of her cards in defense. “I activate Gravity Bind! Monsters above Level 4 can’t attack!”

“I activate my trap, Royal Decree!” Matthew retorted. “All of your traps are negated!”

Maya’s card cloaked in a red hue and later faded to black.

“Now where was I? Oh yes. Gaia, destroy Mermaid Knight!” the boiling elemental shot a blazing torch of flame from its eye, incinerating the warrior mermaid before it even got a chance to scream. Maya’s Duel Disk made small beeping sounds as it trickled Maya’s Life points down by 500.

“I’m not done yet! Horus, attack her reptilian beast with Blackheart Fire Blast!”

“But Horus is weaker!” Maya protested.

“I activate Shrink from my hand!” The spell card reduced Giga Gagagigo’s ATK from a mighty 2450 to a mediocre 1225. With a loud screech, Matthew’s dragon launched a volcano of flames, bursting Maya’s monster into ashes. Maya winced as she was mercilessly singed from the backburner of the inferno.

And Matthew still wasn’t done yet. His Horus dragon once more began to glow. “If Horus LV6 destroys a monster it evolves at the End Phase into Horus the Black Flame Dragon LV8!” Horus expanded, doubling in size, developing every angle of its body until it reached its highest state, one of the mightiest of dragons. There was a fiery aura around Horus, or was it intimidation from its sheer size. Matthew set one final card face down.

I was doing a little think just now, he couldn’t have set this card. His first turn, he played Horus and set 2 cards. Next turn, he played MST, Level Up!, Gaia Soul & Shrink, meaning he expended his entire hand. You should do well to keep track of Hand and Field a little more.

Defeat began to set in. – But there was still one more measure.

“I set one monster face-down.” A huge card appeared horizontally, right in front of Horus’s aim, waiting to be obliterated.

Matthew gave Maya a pitying glance. “I activate Nobleman of Crossout. Your monster is banished instead of being sent to the Graveyard.” A blinding flash of light shaped as a sharp blade stabbed through the card, vaporizing it instantaneously. Maya was wide open.

Isn’t that too convenient? I mean, he had a perfect hand from the start, well, near perfect, but the point still stands. That was an unreasonably good top-deck of a card, considering it was perfect for the situation. So, I guess he’s not the best because he’s good, he’s the best because he has plot convenience.

“Horus the Black Flame Dragon, finish her off with Blackheart Fire Blast!” His dragon screeched for one final time before firing a cannon of darkened flamed at its victim. Maya blew up and was consumed by the remorseless fire. The flames sizzled out and died. Smoke rose up, clearing the arena. Maya was conquered, beaten.

Maya: 0 || Matthew: 4000

“Well, that’s it.” Matthew concluded in a matter-of-fact tone. He almost wiped his hands of the matter. “Good game.”

Honestly, I am surprised. I was expecting her to win by some incredibly stupid means, like Tribe-Infecting Virus. But, this is even better, watching her lose I mean.

Maya remained silent. Black tar and ash settled in her chest and smothered what little remained of Maya’s fighting flame while only fueling the heat of her flame of resentment. She tore her duel disk and threw it on the floor in disgust.

I’ve been seeing that you have a habit of leaving out words. As I said before, it’s good to verbalize what you wrote.

Matthew sighed. “You really need to work on your game if you want to come here. You didn’t even scratch one Life Point from me. Come back next year.”

And none of what I’m saying has anything to do with the fact that I lucksacked hard the entire game. It’s clearly not my fault I get unreasonably lucky draws.

Silently nodding, Maya scooped herself up and left the arena to the dark world outside. Home and school were the last places she wanted to go to. They were like tight prison cells or small black houses in a dark, deathly quiet forest… coffins.

But then she saw a few faint rays of sunlight managed to pierce through the black, raining clouds outside. And some of the heavy ashes blew away.

I rather liked that she lost, it subverted my expectations quite considerably. Maybe there is a little ray of sunshine for Jadeneline.

[hr]

Seeing as how this is a Duel Academy fic, I won’t bother dealing with analysing it, you know that stuff already. So, I’ll explore characters. From the start, I did not like Maya. And in the end, I still didn’t like her. She is, more or less, just a shallow representation of Jaden, except that while he was optimistic, Maya is, well, creepy. Her fan-girl worship of Yugi is borderline obsessive at most points, and her negative traits greatly outnumber her positive ones, considering she doesn’t have any. Her view of the world is effectively gothic, and I won’t deny I felt really satisfied when she lost and got turned away. Almost makes me think that Matthew just wanted to kick the dog a little. I don’t blame him, personally I’d want to kick her too.

Speaking of which, he feels pretty shallow as well. His role in this case was to establish his superiority, and we also got a taste of his superiority complex. It’s one thing to ordering the newbies about, but a school administrator? It’s just, maybe I don’t like authority at times, but I wouldn’t go out of the way to break the rules for someone, especially not someone like Maya.

The only character I could feel sympathy for was that random admin. Why? Simple, he was just trying to do his job, and the plot was forcing him into some annoying crap. I sympathised with him for wanting to go home after dealing with kids who are insanely attached to a TCG. And then being told what to do by a student of all things, it’s no wonder he got frustrated.

On the whole, I didn’t much like the characters, or the Deck choices for that matter. The FIRE SD vs. the WATER SD with minor changes to each? If that’s the best you could conceive, well, I wouldn’t exactly hold my breath in waiting for the next duel. At least Cyber Style was pretty interesting as Decks go, and Zane was pretty badass too. I gather this is between the times of Invasion of Chaos and, let’s go with Enemy of Justice; but surely there was more interesting deck choices that could’ve appeared.

On the whole, I was pleasantly surprised by the ending, since it truly did subvert my expectations quite a bit. I can at least congratulate you for that, though, I will add you do have a tendency to leave out words or not finish their spellings. I can’t quite recall if you omitted words entirely, but that sort of thing was probably there too. Granted, I won’t deny that this still was an average read, and even with all your pretty language. That is something to remember for later: No matter how much you pretty up something, even the most average reader can see through it if the plot sucks. After all, we’re always more likely to see and remember what we dislike, compared to what we like.

I WOULD be saying that last bit with sincerity, had I not decided to read further. I was genuinely surprised… to a degree, of what I read. Normally I would turn things aside after Chapter 1, but, I’m a big boy, so, gotta move on. In all, I found a deliciously, corny gothic fantasy awaiting ahead of me. It was pretty hilarious since it had all the real drama of a boiled egg, but the way it was all taken so seriously really did make up for it. Honestly, I cannot help but feel that you were trying to emulate Yugioh as told by Dueling Network, because, honestly, I think you are. This is EXACTLY what the world of Yugioh would be like if it were like DN, and by gods is it funny. We have Maya (as likeable as a brick), running what is classed as a ‘fun’ deck, whilst all the top dogs are always running the high tier stuff, not that I call FIRE SD + Horus high tier, but you get the point. Granted, it started going a touch psychotic deeper in, but on that note, I don’t really care, I LIKE that sort of thing.

I offer you my congratulations Mew, you have, finally, impressed me. I stand before something, a Yugioh fic, that is FINALLY, original (to a degree), and that is something I can appreciate. But, for the sake of things, post your chapters in Spoiler format, it’s easier to find things, kinda.

I’m Broke. N, and, I promise you more jokes in the next episode. Ciao.[/spoiler]

[Northern Sage]

I do recall an earlier DA fic with the same kind of twist that Crab reviewed, so it isn't really unique in that manner.

[The Warden]

Well, it's the first one I ever saw, and besides, Crab stopped reviewing centuries ago. That DA fic is more or less gone and buried.

[Serefin]

Okay, just finished reading all of your reviews. Is it bad that I read your parts in Linkara's voice? Anyway, I wouldn't exactly classify you as funny, at least, not yet. You're certainly amusing, but nothing you said actually made me laugh or even snicker. Maybe it's because these are text-based, maybe it's because I legitimately don't think you're funny, I don't know, but I will be looking forward to (hopefully) laughing in the next review.

 

Now, just because I don't find you funny doesn't mean I think you're bad. Quite the contrary. I think you are an exceptional reviewer, and I wish for your success in your future endeavors. Keep doing what you're doing, and I can see you becoming super popular, even outside of YCM.

[Toffee.]

And none of what I’m saying has anything to do with the fact that I lucksacked hard the entire game. It’s clearly not my fault I get unreasonably lucky draws.

I LOL'd
Then again, its not like its hard to make some kind of tension, unless such an event occurs.

[The Warden]

I won't lie, these would sound MUCH better if they had some kind of verbal accompaniment, since I have a tendency to verbalize what I'm expressing quite passionately.

[The Warden]

The drought has finally broken, ane life has sprouted from the earth. It's time for the reaping. Though, I do so despise being forced to break my own rule.
 
[spoiler=Episode 9 - 私はバカです糞人考えている私はとても素晴らしい使用することにより日本語タイトル]
Hello once again fine viewers. It’s been some time since the last episode, and things were running a little dry recently. But now the drought has broken, and new fics have popped up from the verdant soil to reach for the sun. But, as usual, with new growth comes weeds; and I think it’s high time for a weeding. So let’s take a pleasant look at Neph’s 心のグリッチ, to see if it needs pulling.

ZERØ:

Huh, the prologue is titled ZEReu? Well, anything to be different I suppose. Too bad it’s countered by the gratuitous use of Japanese, so you lose those points Neph.

Some armed bank robbers who had hit dozens of such buildings in [acronym=Fay-url-nia]Feirlnia[/acronym]-

Here’s a new point I did like, using the ‘acronym’ code to provide quick information on certain points of your story. It doesn’t break flow, so I can commend you for that.

-laughed out loud, having hit the jackpot with this bank, with a nice sum of a hundred million [acronym="1 Jewell is roughly around $1.02]jewells[/acronym]. Shooting grapple guns mounted to their arms, they flew up to the building's roof. They took their time however, due to having put the men who worked their to "sleep".

Worked their? Worked their what? Was it an old fashioned? Was it a work out? Please, I must know what was worked.

In seriousness, you zip if you use grappling hooks. Flew is for running and/or actual flight. Also, the usage of flew conflicts with taking their time, because if you flew, it means you went fast. When writing descriptive text you always need to be sure you don’t use conflicting actions; we don’t want another case of doing things passionately lethargically, or crying sexily (memo to self, consider My Immortal for a joke review).

With their handy silenced guns, they didn't have to worry about the usually loud recoil, as long as they were careful not to hit anything else. There was no way anyone could've found out yet.

Found out yet? They’ve hit over a dozen other buildings. The whole place should be swarming with cops like ants on a fat kid’s cupcake. Also, I’m beginning to notice that your prose is fairly simplistic in terms of describing things.

The "bulkiest" of the four had just struggled up his rope, before landing in a haphazard heap tiredly at the top. The boss, who was distinguishable through his nicer clothing and arrogant posture, rolled his eyes.

The boss is defined by nice clothing and his posture? That’s all, really? If a gay man joined he’d be to the top in five seconds flat.

Dumb fatass keeps holding us back. Do I even need this retard? Looking towards the sky, the custom built helicopter the boss had been loaned from one of his contacts was quietly flying over to where they were.

How old is this guy? Dumb fatass keeps us holding us back. Retard. Also, it would be nice to use Quotation marks, just for the sake of doing so.

Helicopters, silently? Did you take writing lessons from Tara Gillespie? If not, please enlighten me to where I might find a silenced helicopter.

Jeez, that money-begging wise-crack really did it. He really made that silent helicopter. Those strange rotor blades he replaced the old ones with look so ugly though. Pah. At least it works.

So, strange rotor blades that are capable of silencing the motor needed to power it? I might be good at guessing some things, but even I don’t think even the greatest savant could understand the fridge logic needed to get this one.

Unfortunately for them, the escape they had planned was about to be interrupted. Trusting in their stealth and illegal - albeit outdated and rusty - revolvers, they hadn't bothered with any other defense mechanism or get-away back-up. Normally, with them having so much money, they'd probably have some super powerful gun.

If they’re already stinking rich… WHY DON’T THEY JUST RETIRE THE STUPID BASTARDS!? Oh right, because they have the mentality of 12 year olds.

With the strict restriction on some of the core parts though, even other criminals had a hard time obtaining any, and thus, the rather "less-than-preferable" quality of the guns. However, they were some of the few long-range weapons, and they still outmatched plain weapons, giving the thieves quite a hefty advantage.

I don’t even understand what the hell that last line even was about. And I don’t exactly recall side arms being particularly long range in comparison to a rifle. Also, if the world is so futuristic to allow laser weapons, then how the hell are the authorities having so much trouble capturing these bastards? They’d have the best weaponry feasible, so how are they losing to childish burglars with a token fatass?

"Oy! Up there! It's not polite to take people's money. I'd suggest returning it to that nice little bank you happened to take it from. Shame the men are dead though. Wonder who killed them?" Surprisingly, the voice that rang out wasn't anything of an adult, but had some qualities of a younger person, perhaps around the age of nineteen at the most. Towards the end of the call-out though, the voice took on a warning tone that any sensible person would notice.

I happen to know some people who are 15 and already sound like adults. Again, you’re just taking the easy way out with your text. It’s too simplistic and doesn’t add anything, it just reads poorly. Not to be mean… okay, to be mean, you should spend a quiet date with a dictionary. Then, you would have realized that it would’ve been easier to say this mysterious hero had a youthful tone, with a slight edge appearing at the end.

Also, some random hero found the criminals before the cops did? Ugh, I should stop questioning this, I’ll get a migraine otherwise.

Completely astounded anyone noticed them, the men all stood still for a second, frozen. The boss was the first to recover from the shock and pointed at one of his subordinates, a rather ordinary man with a pinched face. "Look and tell me what you see."

Gee, it truly is amazing that someone spotted people taking their time ascending a building in what I assume is the stereotypical black jacket, pants and balaclava ensemble, in broad daylight, because you failed to mention what time of day it was.

Peering over the edge of the building, the rather dull man didn't correlate the signature features of a certain figure with them.

So, is the mysterious person hanging out of a window? Are they walking up the side? You seem to enjoy describing pointless detail while neglecting the important ones.

Not much about the gender could be told through the inflections that had been spoken so far and neither did the body of the person, and the man assumed it to be a male, due to the lack of a bust.

In case of gender confusion, stare at breasts. (I should get that as a .img, hint hint Arm.)

Squinting his eyes for a closer look at the self-invited guest, he noticed that the person seemed to be dressed in a dark blue uniform, which was eye-catching, when overlaid with the gold trim around the garb. A fluttering cape of a crimson shade was revealed to be the same blue coloring on the back when a sudden gust of wind pushed it up though. The part that drew the bandit's eyes though was the rather nice sword the figure seemed to own, a class in its own, with a beautiful golden inlay and lustrous silvery blade. A fancy butterfly mask of sorts donning the face of the figure down on the ground finished his appearance, covering his face with only thin slits for visibility.

You… didn’t even bother TO WRITE UP AN ORIGINAL CHARACTER?! *Twitch* LIFELINK!

The boss became annoyed when the man he told to take a look failed to respond timely and yelled at him what he saw.

Your prose lacks DISCIPLINE! You NEED RECONDITIONING! RECCCOOOOONDITIONNNNN!

Trembling in fear of his boss, the man stuttered out a semi-garbled blab. "H-h-he had a butterfly mask and a sword with a hole boss!"
The other three members all suddenly froze. "You goddamn idiot! That's the Phantom Paladin! Damnit! HURRY UP AND LAND THE HELL DOWN PILOT! NOW!"

A butterfly mask and a sword with a hole is no match for my Sound Sword. It’s a SOUND SWORD!

The boss angrily yelled at the others, thinly veiling his own fear, panicking of the legendary rumors about the Paladin. Killing with a single stroke. Teleporting. The speed and strength of a god.

God Moding is UNACCEPTAAAABBBLLLLEEEE!!!!

[hr]

"Well this is unfortunate. For you." The Phantom sighed. It was a pain to dealing with these kind of highwaymen. Holding his sword in a guard stance, he tensed up in preparation for his next move.

UNACCEPTAAAABBBLLLLEEEE!!!! What was the point of giving us a link that didn’t even work?

With a sudden resounding push, he spun his sword to the side and accelerated through the air at a terrifying pace towards the roof.

UNACCEPTAAAABBBLLLLEEEE!!!! ONE MILLION YEARS DUNGEON!

Flying a few feet above the edge on purpose, flipping, he lightly landed. Flicking the sword around in a flurry of moonlight, he pointed the tip at the boss.

"Now. Am I going to have to do this the hard way or the easy way?"

Oh, so once we’re two-thirds the way through you finally decide to tell us that it’s night. How considerate. UNACCEPTAAAABBBLLLLEEEE!!!! Okay Lemongrab, you can go now, I think the point was made. NNNNGGGGHHHHHH!!! Yeah yeah, we’ll mail you the gift basket, ya basket case.

[hr]

What is up with all these random ass horizontal bars? You use them to help represent the split inbetween scenes, not just because you feel like it.

Shrieking in terror, the boss pulled out his revolver and aimed it at the Phantom, and shouted to his subordinates to do it as well. Funnily enough, the other three members did the exact opposite and surrendered in front of the Phantom, laying down their money and weapons before bowing down to the ground. Going insane with terror and the frustration of having their plans cut so close, he yelled involuntarily before clenching his finger to pull the trigger…

This is why you can’t get good help these days. Seriously, one sniper bullet and blam, no more Phantom. Though it is a little terrifying to know that, in your mind Neph, as the level of technology increases human intelligence decreases.

And suddenly started coughing violently as a sword slid right through the bullet, through the gun barrel, in, and then out of the boss' chest smoothly.
Pulling his blade out, he flicked the blood off the blade before resheathing it, ignoring the now dead man who had toppled over, in a pool of blood.

I call bullshit. A non-laser sword that not only cleaved through a bullet, but also a gun and a human man with 0 effort in less than a second. Bull-f**king-shit.

Also, he didn’t care a bit that he just murdered someone in cold blood for a crime you DON’T give capital punishment to? Because he was acting like anyone would in a terrifying situation? F**k vigilantism, this guy is the real sociopath.

[The next day]
The police officer who was stationed at the jail for his shift last night jolted awake when he slipped out of the chair he was reclining in and hit his head. Blearily wiping his eyes, he looked around. "… what…? Oh crap! I fell asleep. Need to check… need to check…"

Now I see why the criminals got away with so much crap; the cops are even more inept than they are. I know cops are useless in ANY universe with superheroes and/or vigilantes, but you have to give them more credit than that. It’s personally embarrassing, for me, to read that.

Quickly standing up, he walked over to the sectioned off room where the prisoners were, taking his role count sheet with him. "…Mandel… check…Santiago… check…Maxel…check… Hm? Who're these three?"

You were very close to yet another F-bomb Neph. Cause, not even a fruit like the Phantom would be able to catch Carmen Sandiego. You hear me? NO ONE!

Noticing three new members that weren't on the list, he was perplexed. How did these three get in here? Who the hell would break into a jail anyway? Looking for clues, a sudden gleam of metal caught his eye.

Peering at the wall next to the cell, he noticed a strange metal card. On - what he assumed to be - the front side, he noticed a golden butterfly-esque logo, and immediately called his officers. Not for anything bad though. Quite the opposite. Quite the opposite.

"Looks like the Phantom gave us a few new guests."

Until a few minutes later, where the criminals reveal that the sick bastard murdered their boss in cold blood and then sent a call out for the capture of the sociopath. He was arrested post haste and delivered the capital punishment he was so fond of. The End.

[hr]

*Tick… tick… tick…* I want to know: Were you, serious when writing this? I just want yes or no.

For starters, details. You seem to have very mixed messages in terms on what is important detail, and what is not important. Telling us whether it is night or day, happens to be a very important detail. Telling us how handy their guns are, or the nature of their revolvers, unnecessary. You only need spare a few words, then move on, not devote a whole sentence. More to the point that your detail in general is incredibly simplistic to the point that it really became impossible to understand the intent. Even if English isn’t your first language, I stopped taking that as an excuse long ago. As I said before, you should have a nice quiet date with a dictionary, or a thesaurus. Either/or, I don’t honestly care; just stop butchering my language.

Characters, oh gods. Did intellectual growth just, cease for most adults? Is everyone just a giant manchild except the Phantom Paladin, who is such an extra special godchild isn’t he? Because that’s what he is, god. Seriously, what were you thinking when this creator’s pet sprouted out of the cabbage patch? Did you think he was cool? Did you think he’d be likable? No, he’s not, far from it. Wanna know what he is? An abomination. I retched at his every dialogue, I literally had to break my own rule in order to express my absolute disgust of his (lack of an original) appearance. Forcing a canon Sue is one of the most horrifying things ANY writer could ever produce. He can apparently fly, teleport, and move at such a rate the Flash would call him too fast. Neph, I’ll say this only once: When it comes to characters, go back to get kicked out of RPs for god moding.

I would comment on the world, but you’ve already summed it up in the first paragraph. It has a complicated name, the currency is called Jewells, and everyone is incompetent except for the vigilante who seems to conveniently get away with murder. That's it on your world, those details. You've given the briefest idea of what technology they have, but that's it. Really sad y'know?

In summation, why? I can only ask why? Surely you must be smarter than this. You’ve done RPs, you should be able to understand characterization and what not to do. I find it mortifying that a fellow human being could produce someone like that. To me, your writing is like frying a spring roll for a friend, but when they bite into it they find that it’s empty. In their hand there is just a fried pastry shell in the shape of a spring roll. There is, no, substance.

I’m your host Broke. N, and I have never played a Fire Emblem game.[/spoiler]

[Jolta]

Ah, another hillarious review. I think I can actually learn a thing or two from your reviews. I'm probably taking notes by now.

Hope to see how you fare in your next.

[Serefin]

Freakin' amazing. Nothing is more soothing after reading six different MLP monster fics than an episode of, wait for it, HEART BREAKERS!. Kudos to you, Broke N. Kudos.

[The Warden]

Well, nice to see your opinion of me has changed at least.

 

And I wouldn't go that far Jolta. I'm just here mainly to b***h about things as much as I am explaining what's wrong.

 

Though, I still find it funny neither of you have even asked about what the title of the ep means.

[Serefin]

I could've swore I added it too my last response. Well, might as well ask late rather than never: what the ever loving frig are those kanji supposed to mean?

[bury the year]

Although I don't normally like these styles of reviews, after reading the last few you've posted I must say you've done a good job balancing humor and criticism. My only warning is to pay heed of the Jack Witt Clause, as there are a few line that dangerously skirt the line between critiquing and just insulting. Otherwise, good job. Keep it up!

 

@Serefin: Seems like Google Translate - the first bit is (supposedly) "I am an idiot."

[The Warden]

True enough, what I put does not translate well into Japanese. What I tried ot get it to say is: I'm a stupid turd who thinks I'm special because I used a Japanese title.

 

I could get away with such a thing because different language. I used it because, as my reviews have shown, I HATE IT when people use gratuitous Japanese when they're not Japanese. It tends to rub me the wrong way.

[Serefin]

So, what if a fic had a character that had a legitimate reason to use almost gratuitous Japanese? Like the character's first language was Japanese?