Maxxion's First Story in YEARS (Futuristic, has aliens and weapons)

[VictorSempra]

So, I haven't written an actual story since...10th grade or so, so about five years ago. I finally had a bit of inspiration, and this is only the first chapter as of right now. I hope you enjoy:

 

 

 

 

 

In 2014, there was a massive meteor storm, which peppered the Earth with space debris. These fallen rocks were immediately investigated by each countries' respective governments, and the world was astonished to find out they contained alien lifeforms. The parasitic life-forms inside, Sarcocytes as the scientists dubbed them, were simple being that simply sought symbiotic nourishment. By attaching themselves onto the arm of a human, they were able to feed on their life-energy, sustaining itself. In exchange, it would morph its' shape into a form of gauntlet, bestowing unbelievable powers to the "wearer". This wasn't received well at first, (after all, when an alien sticks to your arm for the first time, would you think it's just giving you power?), but after many experiments over several years, Sarcocytes became nothing more than an accessory like your iPod or smartphone, only with an empathic link straight to your brain.

 

Now, these powers weren't over the top, just small stuff, like what you see in sci-fi games. Creating energy based weapons and whatnot, which for the most part didn't affect the world. Energy beams replaced guns, knives were replaced by plasma swords, and the world kept revolving, only now everybody has a source of protection. The military of course utilized more than one Sarcocyte to increase these abilities, however the drain from the parasites dramatically reduced their lifespan. And here is where we start our story, in a symbiotic society of weaponized parasites.

 

My name is Thomas Braddock. I live with my parents, Jack and Dana, and my sister, Ophelia. Oh, and my Sarcocyte, Horx. Mom and dad opted not to get one, and Ophelia hides her like it's an ugly tumor or something. We're a pretty happy family, about as average as average gets, except for me, of course.

 

I love to get in trouble. Namely, trouble with the law. If I'm not free-running across rooftops with my friends, I'm usually speeding down the street in my Viper or blow stuff up with Horx. I've only been arrested twice, once for blowing up a park bench, and another for running...what was it, five red lights in a row? That was a fun night. Anyways, on to the good stuff.

 

Every year or so there is a festival to celebrate the bond between the Sarcocytes and us, and usually hosts a tournament to showcase your Sarcocyte. This year, I'm finally old enough to participate, and both Horx and I were brimming with excitement. The rules were simple : Don't hurt anyone, don't destroy anything. As the day approached, me and Horx practiced out in teh backyard, doing all sorts of tricks.

 

Finally, the day arrived. The entrants were brought into a holding area, where most everyone was relaxing. Save one person, who reclused themself in the corner of the cantina. I took a seat with a few people my own age, trying to make small talk to kill some time. One by one people began filing out to the arena, and soon enough my age group was called out. We split into two teams of four, in a mock-battle format.  The reclusive figure stood next to me, covered by a deep purple cloak. 

 

I didn't have time to inquire, before the starting bell rang and we were at each other. We each chose a weapon of choice, my favorite being a polearm. I extended my thoughts to Horx, who glowed slightly before a polearm formed from my palm. Gripping it tight, I rushed up to meet somebody with twin swords, the "blades" of these energy weapons dulled so they would only deliver a mild sting. On and on we went, for about an hour, before the figure finally de-cloaked, revealing something not quite human.

 

To put it as simply as I can, this person looked like a Sarcocyte if it completely covered a human. It was was a dark purple like the cloak it wore, pulsing faintly wiht energy as it's yellowy eyes scanned each of us. The seven of us paused our combat, as we wondered what the figure would do. Slowly but surely, it too procured a weapon, an axe about as tall as I was.

 

The figure leapt forward agile as a cat, jumping into the mix of us. It swung in an arc, nearl ymissing us, and I felt the front of my shirt rip open. Whatever this guy was thinking, he was clearly insane. We all jumped back, but the audience assumed it was all part of the show, so we intended to give them one. The eldest of our group began shouting orders, quickly getting us into a rhythm as we all dueld the thing. Another hour of fighting before the beast finally collapsed, the many hits causing too much wear to his body. A few of the boys had some deep wounds, including myself, as the beast got me good across the cheek. I kneeled down, panting heavily, grabbing the front of its' shirt and lifting it up.

 

"The hell is your problem?" I screamed at it, shaking it violently as Horx recalled my weapon. "You can't use lethal weapons in here, and furhtermore, why do you look like a giant Sarcocyte?"

 

The being gave a garbled answer, something in another language perhaps, before it simply melted away in my hands. Sighing, I stood back up as the audience cheered, before we were ushered out to get stitched up. While we sat in teh medical room, a doctor sewing my wound closed, two men in black uniforms came inside. They asked a load of questions about the person, and Horx had me relay an answer:

 

"It was an elite Sarcocyte guard, and it was a warning to humanity. They're coming for us."

[DragonDust]

The story is about life cosuming aliens O.o.......... Cool. :)

[Alice Moonflowyr]

This, while a notch above the normal stuff you see here, isnt very...interesting.

 

I have no semblance of setting here, or what the characters look like.

 

What does the arena look like? What does our main character look like? I dont even know what a Sarcawhatsit looks like, so this sentance right here:

 

To put it as simply as I can, this person looked like a Sarcocyte if it completely covered a human.

Is almost totally meaningless. You save it a little with the

 

 It was was a dark purple like the cloak it wore, pulsing faintly wiht energy as it's yellowy eyes scanned each of us.

But I dont get anything more detailed than that. And that isnt a good thing.

This also brings us neatly into the multiple typos I found throughout this, and although that isnt a huge issue, its an eyesore. Run your stuff through a spellcheck next time.

 

I have no reason to keep reading this, the plot fails to really intrest me. Why do I care about these characters? Why do I care about Thomas and Horx? Why do I give a shit about whatever happens to the shallow criminal and his parasite?

 

In something like this where you're using a 'aliens come to earth to invade' plot, which has been used tons of times before, the characters are your saving point here.

 

tl;dr: Needs a lot of work. Take your time to write out descriptions of the characters, and any important settings. I speak from experience, having made these mistakes multiple times over. You should also run this through a spellcheck.

 

Also, isnt this a little short? Its just a hunch, but I dont think you're meeting the length requirements. That might be just me, but I'd double check if I were you.

[DragonDust]

 I dont even know what a Sarcawhatsit looks like.

 

Hahahahaha~! :D

[?someone?]

What Kitsune said; also, give me a descrption of the fight, man! That'd be the meat of the story, and help you get over any length issues. Have some descriptions of the characters during the fight, too, 'cause I kinda feel like they're nameless entities who have no purpose. Besides dear ol' Mr. I-run-red-lights, of course. Descriptions and elaborations would be nice all 'round, basically. I like the concept, the laser weapons, and the Viper. Just work on the execution. :P