EndGame (Pg-13)

[PhoenixNight]

[size=3] The winds raged and the thunder roared, the sky covered with pitch-black clouds, and the moon shown in its full glory. The only light seen for miles, other than those that lined the sidewalk, was that of the local movie theater. The bright neon sign radiated through the night like an opening to heaven. The parking lot to the theater was empty, and although they had yet to be closed, it appeared as though there were no employees either. Three teenagers walked through the deserted lobby of the cinema and walked through the exit to the barren lot. [/size]
[size=3] “Great, guys night out and they all forgot about us.”[/size]
[size=3] “Well, it’s not like there was a hell of a lot of other people here to begin with. Oh well, let’s just get back to your place.”[/size]
[size=3] “And [i]why[/i] didn’t we just get a s*** ton of free popcorn? Really. C’mon guys.”[/size]
[size=3] “Ah shuddup. Let’s get goin. I gotta take a leak.” The one in the middle tossed his cup into a trash can and put on a brown leather jacket. “Besides, the sooner we get out of this cold the better.”[/size]
[size=3] “Why don’t you just call your brother to pick us up?” The one on the left pulled his cell phone out of his shorts pocket and immediately put it back in. “Oh yeah, no signal. Damn.” He threw on a large baseball cap over his short black hair and started running across the lot. “Race you there!” [/size]
[size=3] The girl on the right adjusted her purse strap and put her hands in the pocket of her sweatshirt two sizes too big for her. “If you think I’m running, you must be a bigger idiot than I thought!” [/size]
[size=3] “Come on Kayla, it could be fun!” The guy next to her smirked and then started running after the guy with the cap.[/size]
[size=3] “Not you too Dominic!” Kayla yelled after them then chased after them giggling. Outside of the lot there were lines of streets and back allies. Both the boys ran into the ally nearest to the theater and continue their race kicking trash and broken beer bottles as they run. Kayla continued chasing but soon noticed that both the guys stopped in their tracks. “Callum? Dominic? You two tired already?”[/size]
[size=3] “No, we got some drunken guy over here that looks like he’s been in a little too many fights! Just stay there!” Callum spoke with an English accent but his voice sounded worried. “Come on Dom, let’s just leave him”. The drunk who was hobbling towards the two boys was covered in cuts and lesions. His eyes were sunken in and scabs were forming all over his body. He was bald and his skin looked like it was graying.[/size]
[size=3] “Oh, he’s harmless! Aren’t you boy?” Dominic clapped a hand on the drunks shoulder and the drunk snapped back by trying to grab Dominic by the head. “s***! This guy’s strong!” Kayla walked up to the three off them as Callum was getting ready to punch the drunk in the jaw. “Don’t! He’s just a bit tipsy, he doesn’t know what he’s doing. Keep Kayla back, ok?” Dominic pushed the drunken back and moved some of his hair out of his face, but this time the drunk ran back yelling incoherently. Dominic got knocked to the ground and the man got on top of him and was now trying to bite Dominic’s neck. While fighting back the attacker Dominic yelled back “Keep her back!” [/size]
[size=3] Dominic picked up a nearby empty beer bottle and smashed it against the head of the man on top of him. The glass shattered and pieces stuck themselves in the face and eye socket of the howling drunkard, but he didn’t slow down at all.[/size]
[size=3] “Stay here!” At this point Kayla was weeping and Callum couldn’t wait anymore. He ran towards the man on top of his friend and kicked him in the throat. The man flew off of Dominic and hit a dumpster behind him, sending an echo through the ally. Callum helped Dominic up and they each grabbed one of Kayla’s hands and the three started running through the winding corridors filled with the smell of booze and urine.[/size]
[size=3] “Callum… there wasn’t something right with that guy…”[/size]
[size=3] “C’mon man, he was just drunk is all.”[/size]
[size=3] “No…he didn’t…he didn’t…”[/size]
[size=3] “Didn’t what?”[/size]
[size=3] The three stopped running and Dominic dropped Kayla’s hand. His head hung low and his brown hair covered his eyes. He started trembling and mumbled “He didn’t have eyes man. He had no eyes.”[/size]
[size=3] “You’re joking, right? You were just seeing things!” Kayla talked quickly and grabbed Dominic’s arm. “It isn’t funny Dom!” [/size]
[size=3] “[i]Does it look like I’m-“[/i][/size]
[size=3] “No, he’s right Kayla. I saw it too. I don’t know what just went down, but that man didn’t have any eyes. And he didn’t even flinch when he got a bottle to the face.” A moan was heard far behind them and they immediately kept running. An hour later they walked up to a house and immediately walked through the front door and sat down on the couches in the living room. “At least it’s over.”[/size]
[size=3] From a room down the hall, an older man ran out and hugged Dominic. His beard ran across Dominic’s face and tears fell onto his brother’s face.[/size]
[size=3] “I thought I lost you little brother! Thank god you’re home!” The man let go of Dominic and followed up by hugging the other two teenagers. “Where on earth where you Dominic, you idiot!?”[/size]
[size=3]“We were on our way home! We got attacked by some-“[/size]
[size=3]“[i]Were you hurt?![/i]” [/size]
[size=3]“No! I’m fine! What the hell is the matter with you Justin!” Dominic grabbed a remote on a table next to the couch and switched on a TV which blared [i]“And now we must sign off for our own safety but we wish all of you out there luck in what seems to be the end of the world. We may not know what started this outbreak of zombies, but God help us all.” [/i]The teenagers just sat there motionless, speechless. The screen on the TV had gone black; all the stations had quit programming and gone home to their families. [/size]
[size=3] “While you were gone…something happened. No one knows what yet. Cars don’t work, phones don’t work, it’s like God decided to play a sadistic game with everyone on Earth. There’s a gathering of…survivors at the baseball stadium. We’re going to need to walk.” Justin laid a hand on Dominic’s shoulder. “Mom and Dad never came home. I’m sorry, but there’s nothing we can do. We have to find everything we can here to protect ourselves. We don’t have much time before this neighborhood goes to s***.”[/size]
[size=3] Tears were rolling down Dominic’s face as he stood up and walked across the room, into the kitchen. “Then I guess we have to get going, right? No use staying around here.” He started pulling out drawers and throwing them across the kitchen, knives and utensils scattering themselves around the room. [/size]
[size=3] “Dominic…” Kayla walked to Dominic and laid her hand on his shoulder, with Callum and Justin following in suit.[/size]
[size=3] “None of this seems real, dude. It’s like a nightmare. But we need to keep strong. We don’t know that your parents are dead. We don’t know that any of our families are but we need to go. If they’re alive we will find them. Until then…” Callum knelt down and picked up all the large knives on the floor. “We need to stock up and kick some ass.” [/size]
[size=3] “We’ll go in 20 minutes, take whatever you can.” Justin grabbed four backpacks and threw them on the kitchen table. The four of them scattered around the house searching for whatever they could use to defend themselves and food to bring along with them on the trip to the stadium. 20 minutes later the four came together and presented what they had decided to equip themselves with to each other. Justin grabbed a large wooden pole that he had fixed multiple knives onto along on both ends. Callum chose a thick metal link chain along with a pair of thin fingerless gloves with knives sticking out the front. Kayla had only managed to find a low caliber pistol and two boxes of ammo, while Dominic picked up a machete and a hatchet. They each took a few knives and tucked them away and left the house, and left their old lives behind.[/size]
[size=3] The street outside was bare except for an infected feasting on the innards of a man still struggling to cling onto life. The zombie looked up and started running at towards the four armed survivors with a small intestine hanging out the side of his mouth. “Oh God…” Dominic armed himself with the hatchet and took a step back.[/size]
[size=3] “God has nothing to do with it. Any God there may have been has forsaken us.” Justin spun his wooden staff and sliced the head off of the oncoming undead. “I know this is all terrifying but you can’t hesitate anymore, Dom. After all, you need to protect her, right?” Justin nodded his head back at Kayla, who was quivering with fear. Dominic, nodded, put the hatchet in a belt loop on his jeans and put an arm around Kayla, guiding her forward. “We’ve got 30 miles to go, we’re gonna run into more. Count on it”.[/size]
[size=3] So they continued walking across the neighborhood that they grew up around. They walked and looked in the windows of the houses they had passed countless times, knowing that they would not see them again. They walked away from their childhood and their memories in search of a new sanctuary. Over the course of the next few hours they ran into several infected, killing them quickly attempting not to think about the hell that they were experiencing. Miles later they came across a large outdoor supply store and the four of them jumped on the opportunity to stake it out. They did it more so in the hopes that they would run into another living being than finding more supplies. [/size]
[size=3] They found that for the most part the store had already been cleared out. People had taken whatever they thought would help protect themselves.[/size]
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[?someone?]

Dunno why nobody's commented, but... I'm not a good reviewer. I can't say much, but it's better than nothing, right?

Ehhhnyways, for starters, paragraph breaks are a reader's best friend. It's easy to get lost while scrolling without them.

Secondly, there're a couple grammar problems, such as in the first sentence: "The winds raged and the thunder roared, the sky [u]was[/u] covered with pitch-black clouds, and the moon [s]shown[/s] [u]shone[/u] in its full glory." Also, you're gonna need to sprinkle some commas around, otherwise it sounds a bit hurried and run-on, like here: "Dominic grabbed a remote on a table next to the couch and switched on a TV[u],[/u] which blared [i]"And now we must sign off for our own safety, but we wish all of you out there luck in what seems to be the end of the world. We may not know what started this outbreak of zombies[u],[/u] but God help us all.” [/i]

Thirdly, although it's probably just me, this all seems to start really fast. First it's like "Yay we're having fun", and then "My parents are dead.", and then "Zombie beatdown!" Then again, being that I haven't read many fanfics or original stories online, I'm not sure how the pacing is supposed to go anyway.

Finally, this isn't bad. Besides the grammar and lack of paragraphing (which could also be affecting my perception of the pace), it seems generally competent, and the dialogue avoids being stilted. Heck, it even leans towards quotable at times, with “God has nothing to do with it. Any God there may have been has forsaken us.” being especially credible as something you'd hear in a trailer for a zombie movie. I'd like someone who actually knows their stuff to review this, but my uneducated opinion is this: keep going. You've clearly got some strengths, but polish up the rough stuff if you wanna get really good.

P.S. post some more sometime, don't leave me hangin'.

[ListenToLife]

A bit rushed and pacy, especially near the end, but not bad...not bad at all. Perhaps put it in a spoiler and put some paragraph breaks, so it isn't as much of a wall of text. It almost put me off reading it straight of the bat, expecting it to be some half-assed newb work.

I cant find any major problems with the plot; it follows the generic Zombie apocalypse storyline well - almost to the dot. The eye thhing seemed like a plot-point, for that isn't generally seen in Zombie apocalypse scenarios, but you dont seem to have used that much.

One question i do have is what kind of parents does this Dominic have? In twenty minutes, these guys managed to pull together a Machete, a Hatchet, a home-crafted, double-bladed bo-staff of sorts, a pistol with two full boxes of ammo, Wolverine Gloves, a metal link chain and an assortment of knives. And apparently, Justin is some sort of ninja, being able to talk and slice the head clean off an approaching zombie by spinning his weird, home-made, double-edged spear.

All in all, good story. Perhaps expand it a little, at a few unique things to it to seperate it from other, generic Zombie Apocalypses, think more about realism, and touch up on the grammer/organisation. That should be all.