Alice Moonflowyr Posted February 2, 2013 Author Report Share Posted February 2, 2013 1. I have NEVER stated it was only from memory. It simply recreates the world around her current position for X metres/feet which I stated in...chapter 5 or 6, I cant remember. 2. If I make every single character fight completely flawlessly every fight, that would not work. They're not even adults yet. 3. [quote]At about five o’ clock, we quietly exited the van.[/quote] I'll admit to the lack of scenery, slipped my mind, but I did state what time it was. 4. Uh...ok. 5. Thats what a cliffhanger is for :3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nathanael D. Striker Posted February 5, 2013 Report Share Posted February 5, 2013 Okay, I read all seven chapters in a span of an hour or so. All I can say is wow. I love the cliffhangers. As I've already told you over Skype, I am a major fan of suspense, then cliffhangers are satisfying that. I also enjoy a fast moving plot, which this provides as well. Action and suspense together just make this a beautiful piece of work! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alice Moonflowyr Posted February 12, 2013 Author Report Share Posted February 12, 2013 BUMP. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alice Moonflowyr Posted February 21, 2013 Author Report Share Posted February 21, 2013 Sorry I've been really behind with the chapters. Been busy again DX I hope to have the next chapter out by this weekend. and bump. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alice Moonflowyr Posted March 12, 2013 Author Report Share Posted March 12, 2013 [spoiler=Chapter 8] I felt an emotional fire raging through my body. Jay was gone, either left or kidnapped. Most likely the latter. I slammed my fist against the side of the van, fighting off tears. Kyle looked like he didn’t quite believe what was happening, and Rain had a hand on my shoulder. Will had his back turned. Ashton looked around at all of us, and then went into action. “We’ll do a sweep of the area,” he said gently, although his eyes betrayed what he was really thinking. “He might still be here.” I dragged my feet as I made my way around the west side of the house. It was surrounded by woodland, and I forced myself to resist the urge to call Jay. If whoever took him was still here, I would be a sitting duck. I was with Kyle. We stayed silent as we neared the northern end of the house, at least, until we heard a rustling in the bushes behind us. We both jumped and darted towards the source, Kyle stripping away the bush with blades of Auric origin. Collapsed, under the bush, was the filthy, disheveled version of the man I had known as James Hodge. … Ugh. My head hurt again. I quickly ran through my recent memories to check them, and remembered what happened. I had made a rage-induced dive to the throat at Horo, a rough dagger already formed in my hand. Kyle had to knock me out with a rock. I pulled myself up, groaning. I was in the back of the van, which was moving. Rain turned to me. “Hey, you’re up.” I tried to smile. I think I succeeded. “What the hell? Where is the bastard?” I growled. Will, who was sitting to my right, indicated with a short not toward the figure of Horo tied up in various ropes. “We can’t kill him. Not yet. As much as it pains me to do so, he probably knows where Jay is.” Will sounded genuinely disappointed. I was too tired and angry to argue. So I fell back on my sleeping bag and crashed. … We had pulled over on some god-forsaken road out in the middle of nowhere. Horo was sitting on the ground. The ropes were gone, replaced with Crysteel cuffs around his wrists and ankles. His head was bowed forwards slightly. “Where. Is. My. Brother?” I asked him in a deadly whisper for what felt like the tenth time. “I…don’t…know…” Horo muttered. “Haven’t….seen…him…” “What the hell were you doing in that bush?” Will said, coming up to stand next to me. “Figured…that’s….where you…would…go next,” Horo said again, straining for breath. “Have…information.” Now I was confused. “What the hell are you talking about you…” I couldn’t find a word suitable for what Horo was. Horo tilted his head up. “Lily. I need to tell you something. I currently am not the creature that you faced at my house.” I kicked him. “Stop messing with my head.” I said harshly. “Where the hell are you keeping him?” “No…I’m serious..let me tell you…” Horo picked himself up from the ground and began. “My name is, as you know, James. I’m 34 years old. At least, I think I am. I died of an aneurism when I was 27. I don’t know how long I was buried. “The creature you know as Horo is a thing of ancient origins. He hails from many centuries past, probably Egypt. He invaded my body with the help of some greater power, so I know some things about him. “Horo died of arson. That much is true. He rose out of his grave of his own power, wrapped in those bandages, and set fire to the one who killed him. But that wasn’t enough. Horo had too much rage and hate in him to rest peacefully. “So he became a demon. His soul, attached to this world. He can possess another person’s body with outside help, but when that body dies, his soul must be re-attached. It’s easier to use an empty host, which I guess they thought I was. “My soul had not completely departed my body yet though. I wanted to check on my wife and kids. Make sure they made it through life. So when they unknowingly shoved Horos soul in my body, we ended up having the equivalent of a split-personality disorder. Horo can use my body or his, but can only use his Fire and Necromancy in his body. I can only assume my body though. “He’s in control most of the time, he’s so strong. But after you managed to escape him, he was in such a rage that he wasn’t paying attention to me. I crowded him out, and hopefully have shut him out for the time being.” James slumped to the ground. I think he passed out from the heat. It was high noon, and this was a desert area. I clenched my fists. I wanted to punch this guy so bad. But the words he spoke had a ring of truth to them. I turned to the rest of the group. “Do we believe the bastard?” I asked sullenly. Kyle immediately shook his head, while Will and Ashton looked more thoughtful. Rain had a look of total bewilderment on her face. “No. We shouldn’t. It’s too dangerous, and he’s probably lying anyway.” Kyle said, kicking James’ unconscious body. “But if he really is James and not Horo, he might have valuable information for us.” Will put in, running a hand through his hair. We hashed it out. Eventually, we agreed we would ask James some questions, and then either kill him or set the bastard free. Kyle was shaking his head as we re-entered the van with James in tow. … About an hour later, James woke up. He saw us, and immediately guessed what was going to happen. “I don’t have much. I can tell you one thing. The name of the being that is behind this.” James smiled slightly. “I only know his name, and that he isn’t completely human. But he calls himself Krono. Supposedly after Chronos, the Incarnation of Time.” James let out a large breath. “I suppose you’re going to kill me now.” For an answer, Kyle pulled out an Auric dagger. He was about to throw it when Rain piped up. “Wait! If we kill you, Horos soul will simply be attached to someone else by this Krono guy, right?” James’ smile grew. “That is correct.” “Kyle, then we can’t kill him. We won’t kill Horo, which is our mission, and then we’ll have no idea who Horo is possessing. He could turn into anyone.” An idea was in my head. A very disturbing, and if true, very very bad idea. I was about to speak up, but decided not to. My idea was that…Jay had been taken to be the next host of Horos soul. … A dark, dank room was all he could see. His arms, shackled to the ground in front of him. His right leg, chained to a heavily-weighted ball. He could not reach the ball with his hands. And the shackles were tight. The only sounds he heard was the skitter of a rat, the drip of water from the ceiling. And his own breath and heartbeat. He could hear voices sometimes. Talking. Whether they were talking to him or to each other, he could not tell. They whispered. They giggled. He would think they were laughing at his pitiful condition. He had no sense of time. He did not know the hours from the days. All he knew was that someone came into this dank, wet room at regular intervals to shove pieces of bread and gulps of water in his mouth. He was alone. He was afraid. But he would win. He had his friends. … I had no idea where to start looking for my brother. We had let James off at the nearest truck stop, and we were headed to another safe house of Ashtons. We would have to deal with Horo and Jay later, I realized. James had given us one last piece of information before we dropped him off. A name. A location. And an identity. Barock. The sewers of LA. And he was the leader of the Fallen Angels.[/spoiler] ITS FINALLY HERE! I've now set the group on an actual goal, with one of them in dire circumstances. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alice Moonflowyr Posted March 14, 2013 Author Report Share Posted March 14, 2013 I can has bump? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alice Moonflowyr Posted March 17, 2013 Author Report Share Posted March 17, 2013 Cmon guys, pleeeease? bump Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alice Moonflowyr Posted March 18, 2013 Author Report Share Posted March 18, 2013 y u all meen to me. BUMP Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alice Moonflowyr Posted March 25, 2013 Author Report Share Posted March 25, 2013 I can has bump? ;~; Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alice Moonflowyr Posted March 31, 2013 Author Report Share Posted March 31, 2013 BUUUUMP Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nathanael D. Striker Posted March 31, 2013 Report Share Posted March 31, 2013 Calm down little bro, I'm here. Now I do feel that the introduction of a more dire conflict is good along with an apparent weakness in the antagonist. Story is doing alright with those, but I think I'd like to see more before I say anything else. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alice Moonflowyr Posted April 5, 2013 Author Report Share Posted April 5, 2013 Calm down little bro, I'm here. Now I do feel that the introduction of a more dire conflict is good along with an apparent weakness in the antagonist. Story is doing alright with those, but I think I'd like to see more before I say anything else. ty for review~ And bump. New chapter tomorrow! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alice Moonflowyr Posted April 5, 2013 Author Report Share Posted April 5, 2013 [spoiler=Chapter Nine] I remember waking up for about ten minutes after the van parked. We had gone up a large mountain, and I saw a less than fancy cabin situated on a plateau. I dragged myself in, found a couch, and collapsed. My dreams were filled with screams, and Jays face. I woke up in the middle of the night, screaming, and covered in sweat. Someone stroked my forehead until I went to sleep again. I think it was Rain or Will. After that, my dreams were of emptiness. The next day arrived, and with it, a bout of planning. We had to figure out how to get into the sewers of LA at a good point, and from there, find Barock. I refused to participate in the planning. No matter what I did, Jay would pop up in the front of my mind, my fists would clench, and I couldn’t concentrate. I took a walk to clear my head. The gravel crunched under my feet as I took a path up to an overlook on the mountain. I was breathing heavily, the sunlight beating down on the back of my neck. I had fashioned a walking stick out of Crysteel, and its pointed end made indents in the ground. There were random groups of pine trees, scattered in twos and threes, all over the mountain. I took a break under a group of three, sitting on a soft cushion of pine needles. I think I fell asleep. As I was sitting under the trees, I saw a fox come out from behind a rock. But it wasn’t an ordinary fox. It was slightly smaller than a normal fox, and had five tails instead of one. It walked right up to me, and tipped its head to the side curiously. I made as if to touch its head, and it disappeared with a flourish of its tails. I saw two eyes looking down at me from the tree, and saw the fox. It still had its head tipped to the side, and it cautiously made its way down the tree. It curled up beside me, and then I definitely fell asleep. I woke with a start, and looked for the fox at my side. I didn’t see anything there, except a small star, weaved of pine needles. I took the star and pocketed it, then proceeded back down the mountain. It was early evening by the time I got back. I felt strangely light as I walked through the door into the shabby cabin. The cabin was a gray color on the outside, and the inside was burnished wood with rough stone counters, and a cloth couch with holes in it. The whole thing was about one floor I think, not counting the attic. I wasn’t sure how everyone fit. Ashton was firing up a grill outside, and he waved to me as I walked in. I didn’t wave back, instead making my way out the side door. Will was sitting outside playing with his hand again, and didn’t notice as I walked by. I followed a path that was previously unknown to me, walking like I was in a trance. I had a strange sense that I knew where I was going, but at the same time, I had no freaking clue. I might have walked for ten minutes, or I might have walked for an hour. Eventually I reached a clearing, surrounded by mighty oak trees. The grass was a soft blanket on the hard ground, flowers growing in random spots. I thought I heard a bird in one of the majestic oaks towering above my head. I felt a sudden urge to lie down. I lied down in the center of the clearing, putting my head in my arms. Closing my eyes, I began to hear whispers in the back of my mind, coming from the oaks. “Whether this is for good or for naught, I cannot tell. She has no mentor.” This voice sounded female I thought. The voice of someone overly maternal. “She has the Ashton fellow. True, his kind have never been our friends. But this one is different.” This voice was male, and had a deep double timbre in his voice. “Besides, I think she has enough potential and raw instinct to find her way without a mentor.” This voice was young, neither male nor female, and very bright. “But….without proper teaching….she….may not….prevail.” This voice was deep, deeper than the male voice of before. It rumbled deep within the primal part of me. It stumbled over the words, as if it was hard to force the words out of its mouth. “Then we shall lend her our wisdom. Are we agreed?” came the double timbre of the male again. “She has already been blessed by one of the Spirits of this mountain. Does she really need our guidance?” this was the maternal voice, sounding doubtful. “The….Spirits of the mountain….are…not…of this world.” Came the ancient rumble once more. “I don’t think It truly understood what it was doing. She will find the blessing useful, but it will not guide her properly. If only her kind still walked this world.” “The world is much better off without them. She is different because they and their ways are gone.” The young multi-gender voice was speaking again, with a gentle firmness. I imagined the other voices nodding in agreement. “Then….we…will guide her……give her…..give her the ring. And plant…..plant the link.” The ancient rumble spoke with a finality that was not to be argued with. I felt something cold, so cold, wrapping itself around my finger. It squeezed my middle finger in a rather reassuring, and odd, way. A serene, unnatural calmness settled over my mind. The human fear of the unknown resisted vehemently, but the calmness won out. I passed out. … “Lily! Lily, wake up!” A voice was calling out to me from very far away in the fog. “Ungh….five more minutes….” I heard myself mutter. “Well, at least she’s somewhat conscious,” I heard another voice say. Someone shook me. “She still needs to wake up,” the first voice said gruffly. “Lily! Wake!” I felt fingers on my closed eyelids, and a wash of heat, then cold, then heat again, then cold run through me. The rapid change of temperature was enough to jerk my body upright, and my eyes open. I rubbed my eyes. “I’m up, I’m up,” I said, yawning a little. “What's the big deal?” “We found you passed out outside the side door. What happened?” Rain was looking at me, her eyes as big as dinner plates. I smiled a wan smile, and placed my hand on her cheek. “Nothing happened you big goof. I was exhausted. So I passed out. It happens,” I patted her cheek a couple times to reassure her, then proceeded to get up and stretch. Ashton was looking at me through narrowed eyes. I knew he didn’t believe me, and I wasn’t quite ready to tell him the truth about what I think happened. I checked my hand. Nothing. Other hand, nothing there either. I shook my head. “Anyway,” I said, turning to the group. “I’m starved. Bring on the food please.” Rain lightened up a bit at this. Ashton had apparently made burgers, and she brought me one, which I tore into like a ravenous wolf. I pondered over LA. I got a flash of insight that seemed to come out of, well, freaking nowhere. I grinned. “Guys, I have a plan. Gather round…” I explained my plan. It was well-received. We hashed out the finer details, and agreed to leave tomorrow evening. The delay was my personal want, and I got it by arguing vehemently about needing to recuperate a little more. What I really want to do is find that clearing again. And figure out what the hell just happened to me. I stared at Ashton. The voices had mentioned “his kind have never been our friends”. I resolved to not trust Ashton with anything big for the time being. The voices were to be trusted if they were real, and even if they weren’t, I still felt uneasy. I hope I’m not going crazy.[/spoiler] Chapters rather short this time, i know. I'm gonna give this a week. If I dont get any new readers, than I dont think this story will be worth keeping up. It was worth it back when I had the 2-3 readers who gave regular reviews, but now it seems i have one, maybe two, readers who give irregular ones. So if within a week this gets no new readers, I'm just gonna ask Rinne to lock this. It honestly is a timesuck, and while I do love writing, it's rather pointless without someone to read it. And I do have a life :I So yeah. One week. And as this story is most definatly the largest anchor keeping me on YCM, if this goes, I will probably soon follow. It's possible that I wont, but it's like a 75% chance that I will. One week. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nathanael D. Striker Posted April 7, 2013 Report Share Posted April 7, 2013 Okay, things just got interesting with this. Implying that the protagonist is not human is interesting and does make me want to read more. You have me hooked, but I'd love to read more about her and her people. It does give more of a purpose and a goal for readers to understand as they continue reading. Oh, I love the kitsune reference (yes, I got that.) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
~Tico~ Posted April 8, 2013 Report Share Posted April 8, 2013 Alright, so read both chapters in one sitting. So time for a bit o' reflection on what I think. Chapter 8: To be a bit blunt, this one wasn't bad, but not entirely great. We learned a bit more about who exactly Horos was and about a possible Big Bad skulking about in the background, as well as an actual destination for the gang to head to. And I do like the fact that Jay disappearing may have had more significance than we know. It's this sort of mysterious air that makes readers want to know more. That said, the chapter was almost all exposition and talk, which isn't a bad thing in and of itself, but a story essentially stops when information is being handed to you and thus I felt slightly bored after reading it. So all in all, it wasn't necessarily bad, but lacked a little something that could draw me in and make it go from an "okay" to "good". Chapter 9: This was a bit more of what I'd call "good". We do have info coming at us again, but actual things are happening to smoothen its entrance into the story and later our brains. While the dream sequence form of hearing voices and whatnot is not unheard of, you didn't write it in a corny way that made me want to facedesk, and that's good. Cliches are't bad every now and then so long as it isn't written so unappealingly that a reader would want to throw up at the sheer predictability, which again isn't the case here. it could be a bit better than just telling us about the various sounds of the voices, but that isn't all too much of an issue. More importantly is that we now have various hints as to the much more complicated backgrounds and secrets that the characters will eventually end up uncovering, which is (again) good, because now I want to read more, simply to await those bits of information. It was a bit short, but considering we were getting more info, it'd be much more tedious if dragged out. So yes, these chapters may not have been absolutely wonderful, but they did what they needed and didn't meander out into pointless blathering, which some writers nowadays have a tendency of doing and which puts me off. Good work, Spike. I await your next update (although you'll have to forgive me if I don't hold my breath.) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Astolfo Posted April 9, 2013 Report Share Posted April 9, 2013 Spike wants me to put my Skype review of sorts here so: First thing to note about me: I'm really easy to impress with writing and stuff. UNLESS IT HORRIBLY SUCKS, I'LL PROBABLY LIKE IT. So... Rain is my favorite. She has a decent personality and pretty cool power. Favorite Part(s)? Probably the sudden non sequitur at the beginning about collecting bones randomly when eating pancakes. Strikes me as mildly amusing. And where Rain tells Lily her boobs are pressing against her. *shot* Favorite Chapter(s)? 3, 5-7, and 9. 3 collected the different parts, 5 gave more info about the group, 6 gets lily ready to kick ass + pairings, 7 with it's action and cliff, 9 with its way of making you think more about Ashton, the voices, and the cliff. Apologies for this horrible review. ._.;; Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alice Moonflowyr Posted April 9, 2013 Author Report Share Posted April 9, 2013 Spike wants me to put my Skype review of sorts here so: First thing to note about me: I'm really easy to impress with writing and stuff. UNLESS IT HORRIBLY SUCKS, I'LL PROBABLY LIKE IT. So... Rain is my favorite. She has a decent personality and pretty cool power. Favorite Part(s)? Probably the sudden non sequitur at the beginning about collecting bones randomly when eating pancakes. Strikes me as mildly amusing. And where Rain tells Lily her boobs are pressing against her. *shot* Favorite Chapter(s)? 3, 5-7, and 9. 3 collected the different parts, 5 gave more info about the group, 6 gets lily ready to kick ass + pairings, 7 with it's action and cliff, 9 with its way of making you think more about Ashton, the voices, and the cliff. Apologies for this horrible review. ._.;; Yeah you're right it was horrible *shotgunned and then stabbed multiple times* But still, ty~ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Warden Posted April 25, 2013 Report Share Posted April 25, 2013 I know this has been dead for almost 3 weeks, but I decided to stick my opinion in here anyways. So, you've been, wait for it... [url=http://forum.yugiohcardmaker.net/topic/299580-wait-for-it-heart-breakers-episode-7-the-offender/?p=6187594]HEART BROKEN![/url] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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