The Vital Existence [PG-13]

[.Rai]

[center][img]http://i47.tinypic.com/7beh.jpg[/img][/center]

[color=#3366cc][u][color=#000000][size=3][b]Arc I : Liberté[/b][/size][/color][/u][/color]

- [color=#3366cc][u][color=#000000][b]Dramatis Personæ 1: Down the Rabbit Hole (In Progress)[/b][/color][/u][/color]

- [color=#3366cc][u][color=#000000][b]Chapter 0: The Fire[/b][/color][/u][/color]
- [color=#3366cc][u][color=#000000][b]Chapter 1: Halcyon Days (In Progress)[/b][/color][/u][/color]

[spoiler=Chapter 0: The Fire]


[center][b][url="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gsgyJC0HmHc"]Start[/url] | [url="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MrWd0m7pmq8"]End[/url][/b][/center]

[center][i]"I noted the spot there, the one where perhaps all hope was lost, and returned to it. I scattered the ashes of the past, and the seeds of the future, and there is where I thought of a thousand blazing stars lighting my path to liberty."[/i]
- Aria de Néis[/center]

Winter's evening mist settled over the town of Thared, obscuring its features and rendering it a ghost town. The borders of Thared were marked by the distinctively purple-and-silver birch trees that had been planted there many an eon ago, but their shimmering bark had been ripped earlier in the night, strips of paper peeling off in claw marks. The ground offered clues, damp from the winter dew, and fresh with the impressions of tracks of any recent passing. A hurried mess of human footprints intermingled with a fauve's - this particular one was somewhere between dog's print and that of an eastern lion's. Yet, this peculiar event had passed the town much like a storm and those involved had already travelled far - either to safety or to death. Fauve attacks were always unpredictable. Those stones by Fleuve Puissance could save you, but they were for the rich or the devious in these wartorn times. A dagger or sword often had to suffice, even if it wasn't the best of defences.

And, indeed, that is what the young Aria de Néis had to cope with, now resting in a clearing in the woods a little south of Thared. Clutching her silver-inlaid and wood-handled dagger, one of the last gifts from her father, the sleep-deprived girl rested over the rudimentary fire she had made. The winters here were harsh and she was dressed in nothing but the tattered rags of her misfortunes. She'd just survived an encounter with a bloodthirsty fauve, and was displaced from her home and her family by rebels in an assault of flames. A tear began to roll down her cheek, as her flustered thoughts surfaced, and staring at the fire in the night helped not. The body of the fauve had been dumped next to a tree, and it was a peculiar thing. Its head was canine, but had eyes as black as jet, and its mouth was lined with at least two rows of teeth. Its smoky fur was matted with blood and dirt, and a large patch was dyed a fresh scarlet from a surprisingly large dagger wound. Some flies had already started to gather around the festering thing, and it was a sickening smell. Only the charred embers and the smoke of the fire masked the scent, and Aria took it upon herself earlier to gather some herbs to put on the flames to at least help. She was sure she'd be able to survive the rest of the night if she was sensible. Fire tended to work well to keep fauves away, provided you had time to put one up. She estimated perhaps a couple of hours before sunrise, but a lot could happen in those hours, but she dared not think of the possibilities.

In an attempt to pass the time, Aria tried to think of Gavon, the town she'd grown up in. It was close to Thared, the town where she had been attacked. Her brown hair glowed a smouldering red in the vicinity of the crackling fire and the patches of dried blood on her face seemed to look like fresh cuts. Her eyes, however, seemed wistful despite the flickers of flames in them. She was desperately trying to hold onto the mental images of her family. Only the gods knew where they were at the moment, if they weren't dead. In those moments, the imagined scent of homemade food caught her nostrils, but quickly was interrupted by the pungent fauve corpse. It was nigh impossible to concentrate on all that was dear to her when her world had suddenly been plunged into all but hell at the moment. For some reason though, Aria still found comfort in a particular trinket she had received from her mother - a peculiar wooden chess piece - a queen - that was kept in good condition but was relatively simple. She kept it attached on a piece of string she wore around her neck, and she had already grown a habit of fondling with it whenever she felt stressed. Aria wasn't really sure what it was supposed to symbolise, or if it meant anything at all, but memories were scarce and she had to hold on to what she could.

Reminiscing was a luxury she could hold onto for only so long, because her solace was soon interrupted - this time by human voices. Faint mutterings suddenly picked up on her ears, and looking up from the chess piece, her troubled brown eyes darted around the surroundings in an attempt to locate these sounds. First, to the left and quite far, but they quite clearly were coming closer, whoever they were. Was there a shout? An order? Whatever it was, Aria was clearly not welcome here in the woods. Quickly trying to rationalise the situation, troops could not possibly be out at this hour - Red Territory soldiers were a self-valuing lot, pieces of misshapen lumber of a ramshackle house. This could only mean thieves, or rebels, or bandits. In the haste to escape any more fauves, this possibility had been unfairly neglected, and it came to no good to do so. The voices were still coming, and she could hear their cries. They'd obviously seen her fire by now, but perhaps hadn't realised she was still there - a chance.

[center]"Allez! Allez!"[/center]

A bandit's cry pierced out, much nearer now. It was a language Aria had not learnt in her childhood. She knew that the dialect was usually used by northern rebels, and it was just similar enough to others she knew of in order to understand. Why northern rebels were this far south escaped Aria's thoughts presently. Clenching her fists and teeth, she stood up from the fire she was sitting at and ran. Aria ran back into the woods, away from the fast approaching rebels. The light of the fire slowly faded behind her, and Aria was hurled into shaded obscurity. She could hear their footsteps, and, looking back, caught a glance of one nearer to the fire. What she saw was vague: the man was wearing a black hood, his face was obscured from sight, but she did see a dagger, not unlike her own, still in her hand quite tightly. She couldn't afford to look back for long, if she didn't want to trip. She was not wearing any footwear, and the debris-strewn floor of the woods unbalanced her step. But still, the running could not stop. No, for Aria had suffered too much already, and she was not about to fall victim to petty rogues. Her breath had started to draw short, and she could only gasp at the cold, dry air of the woods. Aria tried to pick up her speed, holding back her wavering hair from her face. She was blind in the darkness of the night, and all she sensed was the frenzied shouting from behind her. Further onwards, and further onwards, she had to run.

"Arrêtez-le!"

[right]"Vite!"[/right]

[left]"Attrapez-le!"[/left]
[center]"Vite!"[/center]

Rebels were still on the chase and, losing all sense of direction, Aria began to cry in her hurry. What had she done to deserve such tragedy? She wouldn't wish such a fate on anyone, but it seems the cosmos had turned against her. Suddenly, Aria felt something catch her leg - a vine or stone perhaps; she couldn't tell in the dark. She was still rushing with fearful momentum, and tumbled there onto the ground, accidentally letting go of her dagger somewhere. Stinging heat rubbed against her, as she slid across the dry forest floor. Aria urged herself to get up. She would surely be dead otherwise. Without warning, a blistering pain surged up her left leg, and she only just managed to stifle a scream. Blindly grasping out in front of her for something to hold, Aria finally grabbed hold of a tree. Pulling herself up onto it, she rested on her right leg, but she couldn't stay for long. Her dagger was somewhere behind her, and she was not willing to go back to retrieve it. It would surely mean forfeiting her life. Aria tried to take a step. Once again, an electric pain rushed through her leg. Groaning in discomfort and annoyance, she instead, in a quick decision, began to scout the near area. She immediately turned away from the still audible rebel cries, and saw the ground simply cut off - a drop, no less. It could offer her a place to hide out from the rebels. So, Aria limped with great difficulty at a floundering speed towards the drop. Then, she began to notice something she hadn't heard before. Rushing water. Both the shouts and her own thumping heart had masked it, but, as she reached the slope, she looked down and saw a stream. Noticeably wide and deep enough to need to swim in, and Aria was in no good position to do so.


[center]"C'est par ici!"[/center]

[right]"Elle est là!"[/right]

The approaching calls worried her, and she had little choice. In sheer desperation, she edged closer and closer to the stream, before diving in.

[center]______[/center]

Aria gasped. The water was colder than she had expected, and the currents were faster. The stream was much deeper than it was wide, now she was in it, but narrowed the deeper you went. She dipped into the murky water, and only just managed to keep above it again. Her left leg was relieved of some pain in the water, but it was still impossible to move it well. She realised her mother's chess piece might be gone. She grabbed her neck to check - the string was still there, as was the wooden queen. Aria took another breath and went underwater again. The distorted mumbles of rebels passed her water-filled eardrums, and as did another paralysing fit of fear. She went underwater again. The more time she could spend underwater, the less chance the rebels would see her. It was indescribably dismal and turbid under the surface of the stream, and it was as dark as the night itself. Once again, Aria was losing breath. She tried to surface, but breathed too early. Engulfing a horrendous gulp of the waters, she choked sporadically.

…

…

Recollecting her thoughts in utter stillness, Aria felt no distractions of pain. The currents seemed to slow to a halt as she was still underwater, but could not care less. It felt like home now, and that was the only place she wished to be. The turbulent clouds of dust suspended in the water moulded itself into shapes to her: that of her family, that of Gavon, that of her home. The claustrophobic feeling of being underwater began to numb Aria's thoughts. Drowning felt but the simplest way out. And, in those moments, the young Aria de Néis let the waters take full control of her.

[/spoiler]

[bury the year]

Will review more fully later. But, as a preliminary note, the mixing of Japanese terms and (unrealistically rudimentary) French dialogue is jarring to say the least. Pick one or the other - you have no reason to use both.

[.Rai]

[quote name='Rinne' timestamp='1354539652' post='6084057']
Will review more fully later. But, as a preliminary note, the mixing of Japanese terms and (unrealistically rudimentary) French dialogue is jarring to say the least. Pick one or the other - you have no reason to use both.
[/quote]

Well, rudimentary at the moment simply because of the fact that it's about seven or so random exclamations. I'll probably drop Japanese terms all together. The French Revolution played a bigger role in inspiration than Japanese folklore. Switching 'yokai' with 'fauves' makes an amusing change to me.

[?someone?]

Well, well. Something other than fanfiction has once again surfaced... bravo!
And, because my opinions are ever so mediated, professional and accurate, I'm gonna make a whole bunch of nitpicky grammar fixes that may or may not be valid. Enjoy!
__________

"...but their shimmering bark had been ripped earlier in the night, as strips of the papery wood shaved off the claw marks on them."
Confusing, probably should be something like "...but their shimmering bark had been ripped earlier in the night, with claw marks running across the papery wood."
Or just end at "...night."

"...these war times."
Warring sounds better. Or wartorn.

"...the sleep-deprived girl rested over the rudimentary fire she made in the woods here."
No need to state again.

"...upon remembering the thought, and staring at the fire in the night helped not, even though it was the only thing close to comfort here"
She remembered that she had a thought? A bit too meta, maybe. Better to just remember. Also, maybe take out the part after the last comma and end it at "helped not."

"...but a lot could happen in those hours, but she dared not think of the possibilities."
Replace a but with an and, and you're golden.
(That sounds slightly dirty... )

"where she'd had the tribulations of being attacked."
"Where she'd been attacked" is a tad smoother.

"...if they weren't dead that was."
Comma after "that", or change to "...if they weren't dead."

"...pieces of misshapen lumber of a ramshackle house"
Nothing wrong, I just really like this line.

"Vite!"
Well, hello there. I almost missed you, all the way out there on the side of the screen.
(I get what you were going for, and it works. Just poking fun.)

"What had she done to deserve such tragedy? No person could possibly deserve such a fate, but it seems the cosmos had turned against her"
Deserve doesn't have to be there twice.

"And she began to notice something she hadn't heard before"
Starting with an and is iffy. I suggest "Then, she began..."

"The stream was much deeper than it was wide, now she was in it, for the ditch the stream was in went down much further, but narrowed as it went down."
A bit run-on. I suggest "The stream was much deeper than it was wide, now that she was in it. The ditch the stream was in went down much further, but narrowed as it went on."

"The water was colder than she had expected, and the currents were faster than she had expected."
Last part, kinda repeating... you should probably just end at "faster."

"...turbid"
+1 point for making me use google.
__________

Okay. Now that I'm done with the silly bullsh*t, I'd just like to say: this is good. It is. I like the atmosphere established, the setting, the french people... It's well done, and I'm interested in reading more. A setup like this could go any number of ways, most involving swords, stabbing, intruige and magic; all of which I like. You're clearly good at this, and better than I, however easy that may be. Not much I can say besides that it's well written fantasy. Three thumbs up. (I need that extra one for N64.)

[.Rai]

[quote name='?someone?' timestamp='1355200819' post='6090458']
Well, well. Something other than fanfiction has once again surfaced... bravo!
And, because my opinions are ever so mediated, professional and accurate, I'm gonna make a whole bunch of nitpicky grammar fixes that may or may not be valid. Enjoy!
__________
"...but their shimmering bark had been ripped earlier in the night, as strips of the papery wood shaved off the claw marks on them."
Confusing, probably should be something like "...but their shimmering bark had been ripped earlier in the night, with claw marks running across the papery wood."
Or just end at "...night."
"...these war times."
Warring sounds better. Or wartorn.
"...the sleep-deprived girl rested over the rudimentary fire she made in the woods here."
No need to state again.
"...upon remembering the thought, and staring at the fire in the night helped not, even though it was the only thing close to comfort here"
She remembered that she had a thought? A bit too meta, maybe. Better to just remember. Also, maybe take out the part after the last comma and end it at "helped not."
"...but a lot could happen in those hours, but she dared not think of the possibilities."
Replace a but with an and, and you're golden.
(That sounds slightly dirty... )
"where she'd had the tribulations of being attacked."
"Where she'd been attacked" is a tad smoother.
"...if they weren't dead that was."
Comma after "that", or change to "...if they weren't dead."
"...pieces of misshapen lumber of a ramshackle house"
Nothing wrong, I just really like this line.
"Vite!"
Well, hello there. I almost missed you, all the way out there on the side of the screen.
(I get what you were going for, and it works. Just poking fun.)
"What had she done to deserve such tragedy? No person could possibly deserve such a fate, but it seems the cosmos had turned against her"
Deserve doesn't have to be there twice.
"And she began to notice something she hadn't heard before"
Starting with an and is iffy. I suggest "Then, she began..."
"The stream was much deeper than it was wide, now she was in it, for the ditch the stream was in went down much further, but narrowed as it went down."
A bit run-on. I suggest "The stream was much deeper than it was wide, now that she was in it. The ditch the stream was in went down much further, but narrowed as it went on."
"The water was colder than she had expected, and the currents were faster than she had expected."
Last part, kinda repeating... you should probably just end at "faster."
"...turbid"
+1 point for making me use google.
__________
Okay. Now that I'm done with the silly bullsh*t, I'd just like to say: this is good. It is. I like the atmosphere established, the setting, the french people... It's well done, and I'm interested in reading more. A setup like this could go any number of ways, most involving swords, stabbing, intruige and magic; all of which I like. You're clearly good at this, and better than I, however easy that may be. Not much I can say besides that it's well written fantasy. Three thumbs up. (I need that extra one for N64.)
[/quote]

Thanks for all of that. Definitely not that good a proof-reader. Simple mistakes that I should have seen though Fixed it through.

Hope I get the next chapter out so people can read it soon.