The Monkey King Returns [ Fantasy ]

[Envoy of Twilight]

Hey guys. Depending on your reactions, I may or may not continue writing this story. This is just an excerpt, really. I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it, and please let me know your honest opinion. ( Also, feel free to tell me whether or not I should keep going. Thanks~ )

[b][i]The Monkey King Returns -[/i][/b]

[i]As I leaped from one tree to another, I felt my mouth maneuver into a large grin. I could not stop it, nor did I want to; the feeling was unlike anything I could have imagined. As the cool breeze flowed across my brow, I could feel the smallest of hairs on my face stand erect, as if they were also glad to be home. Everything felt so very right; the trees were as lively as they had always been, the bananas were a beautiful shade of yellow, and I could hear the familiar sound of my brethren in the distance. While the forest felt simply wonderful, it was also different in some way; perhaps my years of training with the Jade Dragon had me ready for conflict, even in the calmest of places. As I ventured further into the forest depths, I tried to let the thought of violence slip away. For the most part, it was working. In the midst of all that was running though my mind, one subject in particular stood out the most; the thought of my beautiful Queen. Has she remained as lovely as she was all of those years ago? Did she still have feelings for me? These questions only drove me to get to my village far more hastily. It had been so long since I felt the caress of the one I love, and I was ready to love once again. I once again focused my attention directly on my surroundings, hoping that it would trigger some pleasant memories that I could reminisce on once I reached the village. Brown bark and green leaves; that is what I expected to see. However, I was mistaken. Where proud trees once stood were now burnt, decrepit piles of bark. The very sight of these new trees horrified me, so much so that I could not help but feel endangered by even laying eyes on them. The moment my foot made contact with a branch on once of these trees, I knew that something was very wrong. We monkeys can feel the life-force within trees; in these, there was none to be found. I raised my eyes just in time; I had reached the opening into my village. With great force, I leaped from the last tree I had landed on. My body floated to the ground, as if I were a feather. The leaves on the forest floor blew away softly as I made contact with the ground; to be honest, I was quite impressed with myself. However, once my eyes fell upon my village, all the happiness within my mind, my heart, and my soul vanished.[/i]

[?someone?]

[b]"DUDE, I SWEAR, THEY WERE SO ERECT."[/b]

Haha, I kid. This is good, you should definitely keep going. Your descriptions are nice, they're simple but lend the forest the vibrant, natural atmosphere you were probably going for. Not much I can say apart from that I'd like to read more than an excerpt.

Also, you need a word here: "[i]hoping that it would trigger some pleasant memories that I (could?) reminisce on once I reached the village."[/i]
Just saying.

[Envoy of Twilight]

[quote name='?someone?' timestamp='1354069044' post='6079756']
[b]"DUDE, I SWEAR, THEY WERE SO ERECT."[/b]

Haha, I kid. This is good, you should definitely keep going. Your descriptions are nice, they're simple but lend the forest the vibrant, natural atmosphere you were probably going for. Not much I can say apart from that I'd like to read more than an excerpt.

Also, you need a word here: "[i]hoping that it would trigger some pleasant memories that I (could?) reminisce on once I reached the village."[/i]
Just saying.
[/quote]

Thank you very much! I appreciate that a lot. I will most likely continue.

Also, [i][b]YOU'RE RIGHT[/b][/i] D: How did I miss that?! ~__~

[bury the year]

First of all, no text walls. This gigantic internal monologue would be better off split into two- or three-line paragraphs.

Now, onto content. Spelling and grammar's fine. However, although I hate the phrase "show don't tell" it certainly applies here. Sentences like "The very sight of these new trees horrified me..." are laughable, just because what may horrify your character may not even disturb me, which disconnects me from sympathizing with his plight. There's also some syntactical things that are odd ("With great force, I leaped from the last tree I had landed on. My body floated to the ground, as if I were a feather." - I'd expect someone who jumped with great force to hit the ground harder) and a lot of the drama is simply melodramatic. In sum, I'm guessing you tried to pull off a tragic feel, but the flow of the writing was too clunky and the description too overblown for me to take it seriously.